Chapter Text
It felt like his cheeks were constantly wet. The trail of hot tears was like a permanent stream that ran for ages.
Louie was in the bathroom standing in front of the mirror, not looking at anything in particular as he tried to stop bad memories that kept rushing one by one and fed his loud-mouthed demons.
It wasn’t like he didn’t know that his family perceived him as the evil triplet. It wasn’t like he didn’t know that he was different from his absurdly adventurous family, he actually had belonging issues since they joined Scrooge years ago because of it. However, they weren’t really a serious problem to him until the last few months, when the mom he always wished to have came back.
He always thought that their life would be much easier if they had a mom. He used to think that a mother’s presence would make him feel safe, warm and loved. He understood that Della was absent for over a decade of his life, she didn’t know him well, and she tried to be a better mother for them the best way she could; he shouldn’t be expecting to feel those feelings around someone new to his life, he literally was uneasy the first time they met but he expected things to get better the more they got used to each other. However, with the passing months, his feelings regarding his mom only proved to be getting worse and worse.
He wished he knew what was wrong with him. Why was he getting closed off around her more than before. She didn’t do anything wrong. It ate him inside that she was doing her best to be a good mom for them but he still couldn’t perceive her as anything other than a new ally in their adventures.
He still ran to Huey after nightmares, when he needed to talk to someone and preferred his bedtime stories. He always felt home with Donald and was never tired of his hugs and protection. He didn't experience any special feelings around his mom though; sure, he felt protected when she saved him from danger but that could be applied to anyone saving him. If anything, he was sure he was safe physically around her but emotionally? No, he absolutely wasn’t.
He got pretty cautious with his schemes when she was present, he was careful with every behavior not to be Louie-like, trying not to act like himself so he wouldn’t make her disappointed or get reminded of how evil of a kid he was. He felt his actions getting subconsciously restricted, and he wondered why. It wasn’t like she had grounded him a second time after that day.
The day that created an illusionary huge gap between him and her without he even realized till recently.
He knew he was being stupid. That horrible day happened several months ago he should be moving on. His mom accepted his schemes, and they were on good terms. He didn’t even cry that day or thought about it too much as they fought the moonlanders and FOWL together. However, when they fell back to their calm -regular daily adventures- life again, he couldn’t stop the dam from falling.
It was absolutely his fault. If he wasn’t so evil, so conning, so different, he might not be questioning his relationship with his mother at the moment. If he was a good kid like his brothers, she might try to spend time with him.
But he wasn’t so she didn’t.
She could spend all day with Dewey, having fun together without getting tired of each other, clearly her favorite triplet. Meanwhile, all Louie could get was a transient head pat, light chiding, and an awkward silence spreading between them when they were alone. Clearly, her worst triplet.
He didn’t try to spend time with her either. Quite the opposite. He would take every possible chance to avoid her without being obvious. he’d spend his time on his phone or watching TV silently so no one would pay him attention, listening to their laughter as they played and had fun until sleep time finally hit and he’d run away to his room.
He wished he could stay there all day, but they would notice that something was wrong with him and would start asking questions he had no answer to. Especially when the person who knew him best usually had tons of them.
Huey already tried several times to know what was wrong with him. Of course, he noticed the lack of Louie’s snarky comments, his frequent spacing out, and the unhealthy amount of time he spent on his phone and away from everyone. However, Louie would brush it off, lie to him, tell him other excuses, something else that didn't include their mom, or just feign being busy with something.
He couldn’t share any of his thoughts with his brothers. They were her fans from day one. They were able to plant themselves in her life easily and quickly. They were so happy to have a cool mom to share their lives with. He couldn’t ruin that for them because he was being stupid and oversensitive.
Seeing his brothers and mother's bond flow so well made him wonder if he really belonged in this family. He went from thinking of his mother as a stranger to questioning if he was the stranger and it hurt beyond words.
It didn’t help when he got alone with his brothers in their room as Dewey would keep babbling about how amazing their mom was and that they made a good team together while telling his brothers about one of his too many adventures with her and how he must be her favorite triplet, unaware of Louie’s flinching and silent screams.
He also hated when Huey tried to get him to join him and Dewey to hang out with Della, prompting him to leave his phone and have fun with them, but Louie’s psychological state wouldn’t allow that. He just wanted to keep distracting himself with his phone so he wouldn’t cry until it was time for bed without getting anyone concerned or ruining their fun by breaking down.
Huey seemed to notice his annoyance and stopped trying to get through to him. Actually, he stopped talking to Louie at all except for the casual ‘good mornings’ and such for almost two weeks. It made Louie feel even more terrible. He never meant to push his brother away or make him mad, but leave it to Louie to make things ten times worse.
And if there was something he mourned most about his strained relationship with Della, it was that it had created a distance between him and his brothers as well.
He couldn’t risk telling his brothers the truth, though. They didn’t need to know how vile he was, being too ungrateful, judgmental, and unfair to their beloved mother. They already thought of him as a careless snake who only cared about money. He didn’t need them to look at him any less.
He couldn’t risk losing them, too. Obviously, he was failing. And it hurt so much deeper than losing Della.
The stream of tears wasn't stopping any time soon, and he tried his best to stop thinking. He's been in the bathroom for too long he was afraid someone would check on him, and honestly, he didn't trust his own voice right now. He just had to survive the upcoming 2 hours before he would be allowed to his room and hide from everyone.
So he urged himself to stop. He tried to remember Huey’s junior woodchuck guidebook instructions when he had panic attacks or woke up from nightmares. The guidebook was so helpful in tough situations, and Louie wondered if it contained the solution to his current misery.
Then again, Huey answered that question the first night she came back. He accepted her instantly as she was a fellow woodchuck, and the guidebook said not to give up on her. So yeah, even the book said it was Louie’s fault, and he should be better.
He couldn’t breathe properly. His heart beats were crazy and he was shaking violently, trying to keep his sobs in.
Stop thinking and remember the training!!
He tried to control his breathing, inhale, hold, and then exhale. After repeating this for a while, he finally started to calm down. He looked at the mirror, studying his messy face and his red buffy eyes.
How was he supposed to explain this?
He washed his face, still feeling terrible and not at all ready to face his family outside. He opened the door slowly and quietly, praying not to be greeted with questions. Luckily, he was met with no one.
Actually, there was no one at all in sight as if he was all alone in the castle.
Did they all leave without him? Again?!!
Louie was about to panic when he heard a muffled sound coming from the TV room. He went there to find his mom, his brothers and webby were sitting on the couch with bowls of popcorn. The TV rays was the only source of lighting as a stupid action/adventure show he never liked was playing on the screen. He was more into drama, but he wasn’t surprised by their choice.
It was strange to find them gathered here in his spot. They always watched movies outside, he couldn’t find it in himself to complain, though. The faint lighting did a fantastic job at hiding his tired face and swollen red eyes.
“Oh! Great choice. This show is my favorite." he realized how terrible the lie was after he said it. He just wanted to shift their attention back to the screen when everyone's eyes landed on him upon entering. Luckily, none of his brothers commented on it.
“I know, right? This show is awesome. I’m glad Huey suggested it." His mom said cheerfully with her loud voice. She gestured for him to come over before going back to watching.
Louie swallowed all the blooming uneasiness and made his way to sit down on the ground.
Huey tapped his shoulder. “here” he was offering him a can of PEP. Louie accepted it even though he didn’t have the appetite. Then Huey stood up and excused himself to go to sleep. It didn’t seem like he was enjoying the show as the others did, even though it was his idea.
Louie wanted nothing more than to follow suit and run away to their room. He was so tired, and the thought of staying here watching that stupid show for two hours – if not more – was unbearable.
It would be ok to go to bed early one night, right? They wouldn’t question nor suspect anything, right?
Also, no one tried to stop Huey when he said he was a little tired, so Louie might have a chance to escape this time.
He stayed several minutes, not wanting to leave immediately after him. Then he feigned yawning as he stood up and stretched his body. “I think I’m tired as well. Goodnight, guys. " he made his way to leave, but he was stopped by his mother.
“Don’t you want to continue your favorite show?” she asked, and Louie slapped himself internally, feeling like an idiot as he forgot he said that about the show, yet he couldn’t stand watching it for 15 minutes.
“I’ve… watched it several times before already. You just keep watching. I know you’ll love it” he faked a smile and thumbs up, then turned around and finally headed to his room.
As he entered, He closed the door carefully and made his way to his bed as quiet and soundless as possible. Once his head hit the pillow and his body was covered with his blanket, he sighed in relief, feeling relaxed for a bit.
He closed his eyes, and thoughts started to invade his brain once again. They were the reason why he struggled to fall asleep or maintain a well resting sleep most of the nights, alongside his nightmares. Today was intense though, his brain wouldn’t stop working, his eyes were burning from crying and he couldn’t stop thinking even if he tried.
Usually, it was easier before when Huey would stop his invasive thoughts by telling him distracting stories, proving that his dark thoughts were wrong with logical clues and reasoning, and most importantly, his open affection and validation provided the anchor that Louie needed through those times.
He brought that upon himself. He had isolated himself and pushed his brother away, and now he was silently screaming because he couldn’t do this on his own.
Even Uncle Donald was on vacation, so he couldn’t use his help either. He was finally having some deserved time to rest and relax with his new girlfriend, and then he would get back to continue his work with his best friends’ band. He was finally living his life, away from their nuisance, and Louie couldn’t bother him with his problems again. It wasn’t fair for his uncle.
Louie felt so torn and alone with no body to return to. And it was no one's fault but himself.
As tears were forming in his eyes again. He heard some movement from above. The ladder creaked before Huey was suddenly at the bottom bunk and looking at him.
Louie froze for a second, wondering if it was dark enough to close his eyes and pretend to be asleep or if it was too late. His answer came when Huey spoke. “Oh! You can’t sleep too.” It wasn’t a question. Louie tried to reply quickly before his brother could ask why, so he cleared his throat.
“Only five minutes has passed since I got here” Louie raised an eyebrow, trying to sound sarcastic as a way to hide his true feelings and was surprised he was able to despite the slight shaking in his voice. Hopefully, it went unnoticed. “I was about to fall asleep, actually.” he added, trying once again to push Huey away despite himself cause dwelling on his sleep issues would lead to opening unfavorable topics. “Something you want?” he ended up saying, shifting the attention on the other duck.
Huey looked hesitant before replying “Yeah... There is something that’s been troubling me for a while. I’ve tried to work it out on my own, but I couldn’t... I think I need your help.” He was playing with his hands, which reflected his anxiety and nervousness. It meant that whatever issue he had was a big deal.
And frankly, Louie's defenses fell once the spotlight wasn’t on him anymore. He would never mind listening to Huey’s problems. In fact, he was happy and proud each time he helped his oldest brother. It felt nice to get to pay Huey back a little for taking care of him all the time, even though he charged Huey money, but the emotional value was always what mattered.
And the fact that Huey got to admit that he needed help meant that he really needed help, maybe even needed it awhile back, but Louie was inside his own bubble of thoughts, ignoring him and anything his brother might need.
Classic selfish Louie. He failed to be a good son and brother. Fantastic.
“Why me? Why didn’t you ask anyone else who can help?” he found himself asking. He couldn’t help but wonder why didn’t Huey ask someone else for help when Louie wasn’t available. Their mother was as sharp and conning as Louie and Webby could beat up any bully of his. Why didn’t he ask them for help.
“None I can trust as much as you” Huey’s reply hit him like a truck. Louie didn’t expect that answer. He wanted to laugh at him and tell him that he was deceived and naïve to think that the evil triplet deserved his trust.
At the same time, he felt a splash of warmth he didn’t feel in weeks. A tiny ray of sunshine broke into the darkness inside him, giving him a touch of hope that Huey wasn’t mad at him and still cared about him, that they might restore the close relationship they once had.
It surprised Louie to no end that this tiny speck of hope won against the mountains of doubt he buried himself into.
Huey spoke again, interrupting his thoughts “It’s okay. I know you want to sleep. We could look into this tomorrow” he offered a small reassuring smile, then turned around and grabbed the ladder to leave him alone. Louie almost jumped to stop him from leaving. It’s been so long since they exchanged this much words and he didn’t want it to end so quickly.
“I think sleep has escaped from my eyes. I can listen to you, now” Louie sat up and gestured for Huey to come over and sit on the bed.
Huey searched him with a look. “are you sure? You don’t have to-”
“Yes! Now come here and tell me everything. You got the cat curious” Louie interrupted jokingly, making Huey release a small laugh before sitting across from him to face each other.
Louie looked at him expectantly, resting his head on his hands. Huey took a deep breath before saying in a small voice. “I have some issues with mom.”