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The rain pounded on the windows to the agency’s cafe, leaving the droplets racing down the glass and forming into larger droplets on the edge of it. It was definitely a gloomy day, the perfect weather to fit pretty much anyone’s mood in the Agency, especially Kunikida’s and Dazai’s.
They were both currently sitting at their usual booth, except Dazai wasn’t trying to annoy him in any way, nor was Kunikida reprimanding him for any reason. It was dead silent between the two, the tension thick. They both seemed uneasy, especially Kunikida, staring the table with a blank expression.
There was nothing to talk about, even though there was so much in each of their minds. Yet it seemed like none of them were brave enough to talk, to form the words that hung in the back of their throats.
A loud crash of thunder rang through the city, causing Kunikida to jump in his seat, his eyes widening for a quick second. Expecting to hear a laugh, he glanced upwards towards Dazai. But he was only met with a saddened gaze, something he barely saw on his face at all. Not even when he brought up his past.
It was weird, sending chills down Kunikida’s spine.
Dark brown eyes met green ones, both staring at each other, their gazes numb and void of emotion. Trying to hide whatever lay deep inside them, no matter how badly it needed to be said.
Sighing quietly, Kunikida brought his trembling hands up to his face, gently taking the bridge of his glasses between his thumb and index finger, peeling them away from his face and onto the table, needing a break from the feeling of them on his face.
He needed a break from everything at this point.
His gaze drifted to outside, watching as the sky grew darker, causing the cafe to be draped in shadows. Yet somehow, he still felt that if he looked back, he could see Dazai perfectly. Something he’d rather not do at this point in time.
It had seemed that only yesterday everything was fine.
How they spent time together in bed, cuddled up in each other’s arms. The music that played softly through a small speaker, placing as background music while they talked and giggled with each other. The kisses they left against each other’s scars and imperfections.
But now, everything between them felt so wrong, something they could barely comprehend with themselves.
Dazai coughed lightly, clearing his throat and opening his mouth like he was about to talk. Except no words came out. Nothing did. Instead it was met with Dazai looking away, down at the floor, trying to avoid eye contact like Kunikida was doing.
They could both remember it so vividly. The yelling and crying between them. The betrayal Kunikida felt, how a pit opened in his heart, leaving him to bleed out and fend for himself. He remembered everything, and he didn’t want to anymore.
This feeling. He hated it so much. He hated how it made his heart feel so empty. Like a part of him was missing. The nausea he felt, wanting to throw up and cry at the same time. None of this was supposed to happen between them.
~~
“Is that a fucking hickey on your neck?!” Kunikida’s voice rose, his brows furrowing as he saw Dazai stumble into his apartment at three in the morning, completely out of it.
There was no answer from him, only a look of guilt in Dazai’s eyes before he pushed himself past Kunikida and falling onto the couch with a a thud, his face buried in the throw pillow that was on there.
Kunikida didn’t know how to feel about this. He’d let Dazai go out that night to meet up with Chuuya, even after knowing they were exes. Dazai told him they’d just have a few drinks before going back to their respected houses. Except they didn’t.
Dazai didn’t get back until four hours after he was supposed too, completely wasted and a very obvious hickey on his neck. It was just like Kunikida didn’t even matter to him at that point. Like he was absolutely nothing.
Not in the mood to yell anymore, he walked back into their room, sitting himself down on their bed. So many emotions ran through his mind. So many that he couldn’t identify, that he didn’t want to identify.
He wanted to cry, to throw up, yell and scream at Dazai for his behavior. Yet he couldn’t. He couldn’t find himself to do any of that, to go through with any of those plans. He just felt numb.
But a small part of him knew it was coming. That it would one day end up like this, no matter what. No one, especially him, deserved a happy ending. And it was clear he was getting that sign now, that it was the end of whatever.
That night, he didn’t sleep, not one wink.
~~
The silence was unbearable at this point. No matter how many times there was the distant sound of thunder, or the rain hitting the glass. It was all too silent, all too uncomfortable for him. He needed to do something.
He looked back at Dazai, his eyes scanning his face. It was clear Dazai was just as confused on what to do as he was, seeing the uncomfortableness and guilt etched into his expression. At least someone could show emotion in this time.
Dazai noticed and felt Kunikida’s gaze on him, but he wasn’t brave enough to even glance at him, to even think about looking at him. The thought made his stomach churn, his head spin and mind spiral.
Why did he have to do that?
Why did he have to go and ruin absolutely everything that they had?
This was all his fault.
He loved, no, loves Kunikida.
Or does he?
It was all so confusing and complicated for him. His mind a whirlwind of jumbled and mixed up thoughts. Nothing there was clear, it was all a blur in his mind, just like it was last night.
No words needed to be spoken between them. The tension was enough to show what they both meant. To show that thy couldn’t do this anymore, that it needed to end, no matter how much they both didn’t want it too.
Standing up abruptly, Kunikida gathered his notebook and made his way to the cafe door, not bothering to grab an umbrella, knowing he probably wasn’t going to be going to work the next day. But before he left, he hesitated, turning back to look at Dazai.
He looked so guilty, so sad. It was clear he wasn’t trying to show any more emotions than necessary, just like he always did. Just like they both always did. But Kunikida could see the glossiness in his eyes, knowing that Dazai was never one to cry.
His heart ached again, but he couldn’t give it another chance. He needed to end this, no matter what. Feeling his own eyes grow wet, he quickly turned his head around, facing it to the floor so no one could see him on the verge of tears. God. Everything inside his mind hurt.
Sighing one last time, he quietly spoke up, his voice barely higher than a whisper, but he knew Dazai could hear it.
“I’m sorry for ever saying “I love you”, to you. You don’t deserve those words. With how many people you’ve hurt mentally, especially me. Goodbye.”
And with that, Kunikida walked out into the rain. Away from the cafe, from to building in general. He didn’t want to see Dazai again for a while. Not until he was in the right mind and actually able to confront him about it.
Dazai was left alone.
Kunikida was alone.
They were both alone again.
Just like before.