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It was late when Tommy pulled his car to a stop in front of the familiar house. He hadn’t been here often, only once or twice back in the day and another couple of times since he’d started dating Evan. Coming to think of it, he had actually been here to help Hen and Karen move in. He remembers that they had made him carry the heavy boxes with Karen’s books and research papers and science magazines. Not that he had complained. He looked up through the windscreen at the warm light shining through the windows and out into the night. He hadn’t really expected them to be asleep already – it was late, but not that late – and yet he had been half hoping to find an excuse to postpone this conversation. He sighed and unfastened his seatbelt before he slowly got out of the car. He couldn’t believe how nervous he was about this. Sure, he and Hen hadn’t always been on the best of terms, but he had started to try and fix that before Gerrard had even cleared out his locker. She had forgiven him eventually. And now that their lives had become intertwined once more they had easily fallen back into the friendly banter they’d shared before. Still, he couldn’t stop his hands from shaking as he walked up to the Wilsons’ front door. He quickly knocked before he could change his mind again. Three firm knocks that had no business sounding that loud in the evening air.
“I’ll get it!”, Karen’s voice sounded from inside, muffled through the wood. There were steps, some shuffling and then the door swung open. Karen’s face showed surprise before it twisted into worry. “Tommy! Didn’t expect you here. Today. At this hour. Is everything okay?”
“Oh, no. I mean yes, sorry. Everything is fine”, he chuckled almost bashfully. Get it together Kinard, a voice in the back of his head hissed. He stuffed his fists in his pockets to stop them from shaking. “I didn’t mean to bother you this late, I just… Is Hen home? I could use some advice.”
“She’s in the kitchen, we’re just cleaning up dinner. Come on in already”, she stepped aside and motioned for him to come into the house. He smiled and waited for her to lead him through the house. “Hen, it’s Tommy. He wants advice, but he didn’t tell me why yet.” Karen grinned at him and he remembered why he liked her so much back when Hen first introduced her to the firehouse. That woman was wicked and hellishly smart.
“Advice, huh. Is this a tequila advice session or a tea conversation situation? I am equipped for both.” Hen turned around and raised her eyebrows at him, one hand put on her hip. It was her patented mother-hen look, the one that made Denny sigh and groan “Yes mom!” without further arguing.
Tommy took a deep breath and tried to relax his shoulders. “Tea should be fine, thanks. I’m still driving.”
Hen nodded determinedly and put the electric kettle on while Karen rummaged through one of the cupboards. “Aha!”, she said triumph apparent in her voice and presented a box with different teas to him: “We’ve got green, camomile, peppermint, raspberry-vanilla and some generic herbal blend. Not entirely sure where the raspberry one came from to be honest.” She hummed like it was a grand mystery.
“I think I’ll go with the herbal blend then. Who knows what happened to that raspberry tea before it ended up here.”
“Hm. Maybe Maddie or Chimney brought it? I think I remember that Jee-Yun likes fruit tea.” Karen frowned, but shook off her confusion to prepare the cups. Two herbal blends, one camomile tea. “How do you take your tea? Sweetener, honey?”
Tommy tore his eyes away from the perfectly identical “Mrs. & Mrs.” cups. “No thank you. Just the tea. And hot water maybe”, he joked lifting the corners of his mouth only barely. Karen swatted at his arm.
“Careful kids, boiling water coming through. I see that kind of accident enough at work. Don’t need to become one of those dumbasses”, Hen warned and poured water into each cup. “Let’s move this party to the living room. We can tidy up the rest of the kitchen later.”
They each carefully lifted their drinks, Karen also grabbing a cookie tin and they strolled to the other room together. The women sat down on the couch, perfectly in synch, leaving the armchair for Tommy. Sitting opposite them while they looked on expectantly felt only a little bit like being called into the principal’s office. Which had happened to Tommy often enough back in the day that he still remembered the feeling.
“So”, Hen stated. The tone of her voice suggested that there would be no more funny business or small-talk. “You need advice. I can only assume that this is about Buck. Don’t know for what other reason you’d show up on our doorstep at 10 pm on a weekday. Is he okay?” Hen eyed him suspiciously.
Before they had officially started dating Tommy had already heard a lot about Maddie, Evan’s big sister. Even in the stories told by his boyfriend she had sounded fiercely protective of him and Tommy had known immediately that if he wanted this thing with Evan to work? He better get along with his sister. What Tommy hadn’t realised at the time was that aside from Evan’s biological sister, he’d also have to watch out for Hen. It went unspoken, but the same way that Bobby was pretty obviously a father figure to Evan, Hen was the additional big sister he hadn’t asked for but had accepted gladly anyway.
“He’s okay. Evan is great”, Tommy assured her: “This is more of a me problem.”
“Well I sure hope that you problem isn’t anything serious. Cause if you hurt him…” Karen didn’t have to finish the sentence. They all knew that if Tommy ever did anything to hurt Evan the entire extended 118 family would rain hellfire upon him. Which brought him to the crux of the problem.
“I have no intention of hurting him. That’s kind of the problem.” He thought about how to best explain his issue. He was sure that only ten minutes ago when he was still sitting in his car he had known what he was going to say.
Hen tilted her head in concentration. “So you’re worried you’re going to do something that hurts him and you want to avoid that? But it hasn’t happened yet.” Her wife was nodding along next to her.
“I just don’t know what to do. I thought this was going to be- well, not easy, but simple. It’s his first time dating a man, so I figured I’d enjoy whatever this is for however long it lasts. We are on the same page about that, neither of us went in with crazy expectations. I’ve been in his place, coming out and starting dating all over again in your thirties and it didn’t go great for me. So from the get-go I was careful not to put any pressure on him.” Tommy paused and took a sip of his tea. The feeling of a warm cup in his hands had always been a very comforting sensation and he hoped that today, too, it would give him courage. He looked over at Hen and Karen. So far they seemed to be following his explanation quite well.
“That sounds very healthy and mature”, Hen commented dryly yet unable to completely hide her smile.
“I agree. It’s great that you look out for him like that”, Karen said. She looked at her wife and Hen nodded encouragingly. She turned back to Tommy and continued, her voice slightly softer now: “But something changed recently?”
“Not really? But also yes.” His mouth felt bone dry and his shoulders had gone tense again. “We’ve been dating for a little over three months now. It’s going great, we spend a lot of time together. Sometimes shift work is a pain in the ass, especially when our days off don’t line up. Upside to that is we get each other. That’s a nice change, I never dated another firefighter before. But as I said, in general it’s going great. I let him set the pace and I try not to overwhelm him. But lately that has become a little difficult. I feel like I’m moving too fast and I don’t know- I don’t know how to not do that.”
“I might end up regretting I asked this”, Hen said frowning: “But when you say moving too fast, what you mean is…?”
Tommy snorted. “It’s not a sex thing, don’t worry. Besides, it’s not like Evan was a blushing virgin before we met. I was actually the one who was more hesitant about having sex. But that’s not the point.” He tried to brush off the embarrassment that came with the topic. He was over 40 years old and had been out for more than a decade. He hated that it was so hard to shake off the “don’t tell” motto and that he still felt weird talking about these things sometimes even to close friends and other gay people. “As I said, this was supposed to be simple. Not strings attached, no expectations. I want him to enjoy this as something that is more fun than serious. Something light. I didn’t have that when I came out. So I try to hold back a little. Keep a lid on it, so to speak, but I do like him. A lot.”
“Okay? Just to make sure I understand this correctly”, Karen asked her tone indicating anything but understanding: “You’re problem is that you have developed genuine, strong feelings for the man you’ve been dating for three months?”
“Well I already like him before I asked him out, I didn’t just think he was hot and tried to shoot my shot.” He paused, thought it over. “I mean, I guess it’s not exactly a hardship that he looks great. But this is getting out of hand. I think about him all the time and Lucy started complaining weeks ago because apparently I don’t talk about anything else anymore. When we started going out it was just this light little thing, he was cute and it was just one date and now suddenly it’s been three months and a dozen dates and it feels heavier. Not even in a bad way, I don’t think so, but now it’s this big, huge thing that’s taking up so much space in my mind. It’s a lot and I don’t want it to be too much for him.” He sucked in a deep breath and stared into his half empty cup. “I don’t know what to do about it. It feels like maybe I should take a step back before it spirals even more out of control, but I don’t really want that and I don’t want Evan to think I’m pulling away either.”
The silence he was met with was deafening. He didn’t dare look up at Hen and Karen yet, preferring to stare at the coffee table between them instead. They had both set down their cups at some point, the “Mrs. & Mrs.” design mocking him as he couldn’t help but wonder where they had got them and if he should ask about it later until his brain screamed at him to “abort, abort” because that train of thought definitely felt like too soon, no matter how nice the idea was. Hen cleared her throat which finally made Tommy look at her. She and Karen were apparently coming to end of a silent conversation held entirely in looks.
“Tommy. You’re a good friend and a good boyfriend. It’s sweet how worried you are about him”, Hen said. Her voice was gentle with the undercurrent of an exasperated “you dumbass”. “But I believe what you’re experiencing isn’t exactly the problem you think it is. I think most people simply call it falling in love.”
Tommy was floored. He opened his mouth to protest, but nothing came out. His mind was spinning round and round. A million thoughts of why this couldn’t be true cycled through his head. Tommy was a careful guy, he didn’t fall in love easily. He didn’t let people slip through his walls just like that. It had only been three months which was basically just another way of saying a few weeks if you really thought about it. And love was such a big word. Sure, he liked Evan, he liked him so much that he ran in danger of being consumed by the thought. He got lost in his eyes when they looked at each other over the table during dinner sometimes and he regularly stared at his face so much that he forgot to pay attention to the movie they were watching and when Evan laughed his breath would catch in his throat and he bought flowers every other week just because he knew how it would light up Evan’s face brighter than the sun and he melted every time Evan did the same for him because nobody had ever bothered to do that for him before and when Evan touched him it lit his skin on fire with how much he wanted this, needed this and when they stood next to each other in the kitchen while doing the dishes he thought he wanted his life to be like this always and- Oh.
“Oh”, he repeated out loud: “So that’s what that’s supposed to feel like.”
“Have you not been in love before?”, Hen asked carefully after a few seconds and if Tommy didn’t know better he’d say she was tearing up a little.
“I thought I was”, he answered truthfully: “But it didn’t feel like this. It was… different. We had been together for almost a year and I had just moved in with him and it was going fine. I mean, we got along and the sex was good and I genuinely liked him. But we didn’t really think of each other much? It wasn’t just him, I was a bit selfish too I suppose. We took more than we gave, but it felt stable in some ways. Then one day he told me he had taken a job offer somewhere in Florida and he was gone two weeks later. I figured that’s just how it is. Relationships require compromise, so you put up with the bad parts and are grateful for the good parts, you find a way to make it work and that’s love.”
“Oh Tommy.” Hen was almost crying for real now, Karen not far behind.
“It sounds worse than it was when I have to sum it up in short like this”, he reassured them quickly: “It just wasn’t exactly great either. There were some other men, but nothing that lasted long enough to turn into something bigger. Mostly crushes that fizzled out after a couple of months.” The thought brought him back to one of his initial worries about his feelings for Evan. “Don’t you think it’s too soon to call it love?”
“Love doesn’t really have a timeline. It’s different for everyone”, Karen said patiently: “Look at Bobby and Athena. They’ve been going steady for what, six years now? They got married not even a year after they started dating. Maddie and Chimney certainly took their time to even admit they liked each other, but that doesn’t mean anything. Sometimes-” She looked at her wife, smiled and took her hand. “- sometimes you just meet the right person at the right time. It doesn’t have to be more complicated than that.” Hen beamed and despite the chaos in his own head, Tommy took a moment to just be happy for them. He hadn’t been close to Hen back when the whole Eva thing had blown up in her face, but everyone in the firehouse had agreed that Hen deserved better. He was so glad that she had found that with Karen.
“So”, Hen said once she was finally able to tear her gaze away from her wife: “What are you going to do now that we’ve gay-guided you to this new stage of awareness? You’re not actually going to “take a step back” in a misguided attempt to protect Buck from yourself, are you? Because if you do I might have to hit you.”
Tommy sighed. “No. I’m not going to do that. I don’t think I could if I wanted to. I guess I’ll just keep suffering in silence”, he exclaimed dramatically.
Hen tried to stifle her laughter. “Okay tough guy. Be stoic and manly about it. Or hey, crazy idea, but how about you tell him?” Karen giggled at her wife’s antics and even Tommy couldn’t suppress a little smile.
“I know, I know. I probably should tell him. Open communication, talking about your feelings. But what if I was right the first time and it’s too soon and he isn’t ready for this? Isn’t it a little unfair for me to just put all of this on him when he’s so new to this?”
Hen rolled her eyes as Karen sighed and snatched up a cookie. “You take this one, I’ve already tried to tell him love doesn’t have timeline”, Karen said.
Hen raised her eyebrows at Tommy and asked: “Don’t you think that maybe you’re underestimating Buck a little? Like, I get it. You’re older than him, you have more experience with men than him, you’re a military guy turned firefighter – you’re obviously a protector. But Buck is an adult, he’s one of the most resilient and empathetic people I know. He can handle this and he can handle you. You can’t decide for him what he’s ready for. Bobby did that once and Buck literally ended up suing him, but that’s another story. Besides Buck took to being queer like a fish takes to water. It took him a few days to wrap his head around, sure, but Buck has never half-assed a thing in his life and this is no exception. After you kissed him he came out, picked a label, started dating a man and introduced you to his family all in under two weeks and he’s thriving. I’d be jealous about it if I wasn’t so happy for him.”
Tommy could understand that sentiment. It had surprised him more than anyone probably how Evan went from “I’m an ally” to “my sister wants to meet you” in basically 0.5 seconds flat. He had expected Evan to struggle, to be hesitant or even chicken out maybe, but none of that ever happened. Not even at the wedding with Evan’s parents present. He grinned a little at the memory. In front of him Hen smiled and leant forward a little. Her gaze drifted off like she too was deep in thought, trying to find the right words.
“Ever since I’ve known him and even long before that Buck has been searching for something. He was always a little restless, never quite content with where he was at. I’ve seen it in those early days when he thought he could replace those missing pieces by sleeping with every random girl who was interested and I’ve seen it a million times since. I think he found some of those missing pieces with the 118. A home, a family, a purpose. Especially once Maddie, Eddie and Christopher had moved to LA. But even when things were good he never really seemed… at ease, as Bobby put it. He was still searching. But since he figured out he is queer and since he got together with you, he seems more grounded than I’ve ever seen him. Like more of those pieces are falling into place for him. So to ease your anxiety, I don’t think you have to worry about his reaction at all. Buck isn’t looking for easy and simple, he hasn’t been in years. He wants a serious relationship, something real. Even if he isn’t quite there yet himself, if he isn’t ready to say it back, I highly doubt that he would reject you.”
Hen’s words washed over him like a calming breeze. He trusted her, had trusted her since the day she came up with a way to work around that mudslide against Gerrard’s orders – the day he had filed his first complaint against the man. Why else would he have flown a helicopter into a hurricane on nothing but her gut feeling? Not only that he trusted her judgement, she knew Evan. She knew him better than he did, had seen him in relationships before, had probably given him advice just like she had done today for Tommy. If Hen thought there was nothing to worry about and that he should tell Evan then that’s probably exactly what he should do.
“Okay. You’re right, I will tell him. Maybe not immediately, I don’t want to just blurt it out, I need a plan. But I will tell him. Thank you guys”, he laughed sheepishly: “Sorry I freaked out about it, this conversation probably could’ve been a lot shorter.”
“Nah, it’s fine”, Karen reassured him and smirked: “Besides, it’s cute to see that Buck has that effect on you. It means you care and that he’s in good hands. We will tease you about it mercilessly once you’ve calmed down a bit though. And we expect updates, I’m invested in this.”
“Yes Ma’am”, he said and saluted her. All three of them chuckled. “I should probably get out of your hair now and I have to get up for shift in-” He looked at his watch and sighed. “Six hours.” They got up, Karen gathered up the tea cups and Hen walked him to the door. “Thank you, Hen. Really, I needed that”, he said to her.
“You’re very welcome. Just remember to let us know how it went.”
He laughed and stepped out onto the porch. “Promise”, he called out over his shoulder and walked over to his car.
Two days later Hen and Karen found themselves in a similar situation once again. Only this time is was Buck who showed up on their doorstep unannounced after the kids’ bedtime. “Guys, I need your help”, he exclaimed, eyes wide and embarrassment red on his face: “I think I’m in love with Tommy!”