Chapter Text
In all honesty, Buck never meant to eavesdrop. He just paused on the station stairs to tie his shoes when he heard Chim and Hen's voices drifting from the kitchen.
"- I mean, I don't really know how to feel," Hen was saying. Buck raised a brow.
"Yeah, I know what you mean," Chim replied, "Sure he apologized, but it's hard to forget those first months at the 118." Buck was about to make himself known and join the conversation, when he heard his name.
"For sure. I know Buck's dating him, but it's still odd." Buck's eyebrows shot up. So, they were talking about Tommy. He knew Tommy was with the 118 before he himself joined, and that their history was not the greatest, but he was never really privy to any details.
"To be quite honest, I was surprised to find out that Tommy and Buck were together."
"Me too. I thought for sure it was Eddie that Tommy was into," Buck felt a spike of hot emotion in his chest at those words. He thought back to his jealousy all those weeks ago, when Eddie and Tommy were spending so much time together.
No, he reassured himself. It was Buck that Tommy kissed, not Eddie. That's what mattered to him, right? He got Tommy's attention.
"He probably was. He flew Eddie to a match in a helicopter," Buck scowled at the reminder.
"Well, beyond that, I didn't think Buck liked Tommy all that much."
Buck frowned. Of course he liked Tommy! That's why he was so upset that Tommy was hanging out with Eddie!
Chim hummed, "I don't even know at this point. I just hope that if Buck and Tommy are really going to be in this relationship, that it will be a good one. Buck deserves a good relationship after all the bad ones he's been going through."
The younger man smiled, appreciating his brother-in-law's concern for him. He took that as a good point to remove himself and walk back downstairs.
It was nice that Chim and Hen cared and were concerned, but Buck was fine! Everything with Tommy was going great! Sure, there were ups and downs, but every relationship had them!
There was nothing to worry about, right?
Buck decided to breach the topic with his sister. Out of everyone, Buck trusted Maddie to be truthful to him. So the next time he met with her for coffee, he spoke up.
"So, what did you think about Tommy?" Immediately, he could see Maddie's nose flare a little, which raised alarms in his mind.
"He's cool, I guess." Was what she said, her tone careful and even.
He narrowed his eyes at her, "You don't like him, do you?"
Maddie spluttered, "It's not that I don't like him, he's fine, I-"
"Maddie, don't lie to me," He fixed her with a stare, and she wilted.
"I might be a little biased," she admitted, "He was apparently awful to Chim when they first met, and that already puts him in a bad book in my mind. But, it doesn't matter what I think. You're dating him, is he a good boyfriend?"
Buck hummed, "I mean, we aren't really boyfriends. We haven't had that talk yet, but yeah he's good!"
Maddie bit her lip and nodded. "As long as he treats you well."
"He does! I mean, it's not smooth sailing, but nothing major!" His sister raised an eyebrow at him.
"What do you mean?" She prodded carefully. Buck sighed, internally rolling his eyes.
"Our first date didn't end super well, and we're not always on the same page, but it's fine!"
"Didn't end well how?" Buck could see that he had activated some sort of sisterly instinct, and knew it was best to humor her.
"Eddie and Marisol showed up, and I don't think I handled it well since I hadn't come out to Eddie yet. It ended rather soon, and Tommy took an Uber home, but it wasn't horrible, and we worked it out." He reassured her, but she did not look assuaged.
"Was he at least understanding?"
Buck blinked, "Who, Eddie?"
"No, Tommy."
"Well, yeah. He left a little abruptly, but I did force him back into the closet I think." Buck didn't like where this line of questioning was going.
Maddie seemed to sigh internally, "Buck, if he went out with you, knowing you were still new to dating men, he should expect you to be wary to come out. Did he say that you forced him back into the closet?"
"I mean, not exactly, but I could tell he wasn't happy-"
"You said he got an Uber, did he just leave you there?"
"No! Well, technically, but-" Buck realized how bad this was sounding out loud, but it was not as simple as Maddie was assuming, "It's complicated. But I apologized and we worked it out and everything!"
"You apologized?" There was a curt tone to Maddie's voice.
"Well, yes," Maddie didn't look happy at all, but she just exhaled.
"Buck, you are a grown man. I don't want to be the nosy, overprotective older sister who doesn't trust her younger brother to make good decisions, but I just want you to be careful."
Buck cocked his head, "Careful?"
"Make sure that if this thing with Tommy goes farther, he's putting in as much effort as you. You deserve that much, at least." With that, Maddie steered the conversation away from Tommy and Buck's love life to other topics like Jee. Buck latched onto the subject change. At least it kept his mind from running.
Buck waited impatiently in his kitchen. Maddie's words had been ringing in his head all night, and he couldn't stop thinking about it all. Surely Maddie was just being overprotective and dramatic? Everything was fine with Tommy and whatever thing they had going on.
But the more he thought, her concern seemed less unfounded. It had felt pretty awful for Tommy to just leave him on the sidewalk without letting him know the date was over like that. It stung watching the Uber drive away, knowing he'd have to apologize. Yet why did he have to apologize? Maddie was right, Tommy knew Buck wasn't out. He can't have expected Buck to leap out of the closet right away.
That was not even mentioning the bachelor party fiasco. While that had been… something, what with Chim disappearing and ending up in the hospital, he still remembered the frustration he had felt when Tommy showed up.
Maybe he had gone a little overboard with the party, but there was a theme, and Tommy didn't follow it. Sure, he said the Henley was it, but could he not have put a little more effort into his outfit? Just because he had a shift doesn't mean he can't at least get his shirt to fit the theme.
Eddie dressed up for it, his mind supplied, he even did a dual costume with me.
And that was another thing, Eddie.
Were Chim and Hen correct when they said Tommy was likely into Eddie? It would make sense, after all. Before Tommy came over to his loft, he had barely looked Buck's direction. That was partially Buck's fault, but like he said, he was trying to get Tommy's attention.
Yet looking back, Buck realized he wasn't exactly keeping Tommy's attention, at least not how he had expected given their kiss. He remembered what Maddie said about making sure Tommy was as invested in this as he was.
He was pulled from his musings by the knock on the door. Nerves shooting into his throat, he unlocked it and opened it to see Tommy standing there.
"Hey," Tommy greeted, a grin on his face. Buck's stomach was turning.
"Hey," he responded weakly. He stood back to let Tommy in, the hug he received not feeling as warm as he remembered them being.
"So, what's up?" Tommy looked at him, "You said you wanted to talk?"
Buck cleared his throat, "Yeah, I…" He moved to lean against the counter, "I just wanted to clear some things up." He realized very late that he was not sure how to even start this conversation.
Tommy raised an eyebrow, "About what?" Buck exhaled.
"What is this thing, between us?" Alright, good start, he thought to himself.
"What do you mean?"
"Like, are we boyfriends? We went on a couple of dates and kissed a couple of times, but…" Buck struggled, "How invested are you in this?" Okay, maybe he could have worded that better.
Tommy blinked, "Well…" Buck rushed on to clarify.
"I just want to know if it's a serious thing for you." Tommy seemed unsure how to answer, and every second that passed deepened the pit in Buck's gut.
"Look," He rubbed his eyes, "I'm going to ask you something, and I want- I need you to be completely honest with me," Buck looked right at Tommy, imploring him to be truthful, "How do you feel about Eddie? Were you into him?"
The older man opened and closed his mouth, seemingly searching Buck's face for something. Buck tried to convey through his face that he was not going to yell or get angry. Whatever Tommy read in his features, he sighed.
"Yes," It was the answer Buck had been expecting deep down, but it still turned his stomach. He nodded absently.
"And me?" Was I just a rebound? A second choice?
"To be honest, you seemed to want nothing to do with me at first, so I didn't take much notice. But I would have been blind to not notice that you were attractive, and I was into you as well," Buck refrained from asking whether he was more into Eddie, knowing that he probably wouldn't like whatever answer Tommy gave.
"So if you were into Eddie, why kiss me?" Tommy seemed to look at him like he was dumb, and Buck sighed, "Because he had a girlfriend?" Tommy nodded. Buck was silent for a while, digesting this information.
Tommy interrupted the silence, "Why are you asking me this?"
Buck bit his lip, "I… came to some realizations recently. The way our dates ended, the bachelor party, I realized that I wasn't confident you were as invested in… this, as I thought you were."
The older man scrunched his lip, seemingly examining Buck from head to toe. "And how invested are you?"
The firefighter blinked at the sudden turn around, "Me?"
"Yes, you," Tommy laughed, "Like I said, you seemed to want nothing to do with me, then when I came here and talked to you, you said you wanted my attention. I was confused, honestly. The way you were acting, I could have sworn it was someone else's attention you were after."
"But you kissed me."
"Again, you were attractive as hell. You were saying you were into me, and I wasn't going to turn that down."
"What do you mean by me wanting someone else's attention?"
The look Tommy gave him sent a pang of irritation through Buck. He was looking at him like he was a dumb child, and Buck thought back to the times Tommy had called him "Evan" or "kid" that he had pointedly ignored, lost in the bliss of self-discovery and a new relationship.
"I'm just saying, you seemed awfully upset that I was hanging out with Eddie so much."
Buck narrowed his eyes, not liking how Tommy was spinning this around, "What are you implying?"
"Evan," he cringed internally, "Were you really after my attention? Or were you mad I was stealing Eddie's?"
The younger man was speechless, and watched as Tommy went to the door, turning to him one last time.
"Think about it," He said before walking out, leaving Buck more confused and baffled than before.
Eddie was frankly not expecting to be back on this couch anytime soon, but yet there he was.
Coming off the emotions seeing Kim had brought, and then the whole confrontation with her pretending to be Shannon, Eddie had found himself hovering over Frank's contact in his phone late one night. He hesitated, but it only took one look at the picture he still kept, of Shannon and Chris and him, before he was hitting the phone button and scheduling an appointment.
Sitting here now, Eddie wasn't entirely sure it was the right decision, but he was honestly ready to try anything. If the past few weeks had taught him anything, it was that his love life was, not to be dramatic, a fucking disaster, and he was not as healed from Shannon's death as he thought he was.
"So you said to Kim all the things you wished you could have said to Shannon," Frank recapped. Eddie nodded numbly.
"Did you feel any better, getting it out?"
Eddie thought on it. With Shannon dying so suddenly and tragically, after bringing up divorce, there was so much he never got to say to her, so much to get off his chest. All the hurt and pain, the anger he felt, there was no outlet for it all. When Kim had shown up as Shannon, it all bubbled over, and the floodgates holding his emotions back burst.
It was cathartic for sure, but it left him with one major problem, "I think it did, but I… I don't know where to go from here."
"In what way?"
"I- For so long, I've been chasing this vision of the future, of a wife and kids. Growing up, that's what I was told would make me happy. For a while, I thought I had it with Shannon. After she was gone, I tried to find something- someone - to fill that space she left. Not just a partner for me…" He trailed off.
Frank was gracious enough to fill in the blank, "But a mother, for Chris." Eddie nodded.
"Chris was always my priority. I thought he needed a mother, like my parents told me."
"But what about what you wanted?"
Eddie looked up, confused. "What I wanted?"
Frank hummed, "You said you've been so focused on doing it for Chris, but what about you? What do you want, not just in romance, but in general?"
The first thing that came to mind was family. The people around him, who supported and cared for him and his son. Who had his back whenever he needed, and welcomed him and Chris into their lives with opened arms. But more than that? There was something, but he didn't know entirely what it was.
"You don't have to answer right now," Frank assured him, "I don't expect you to know right away, but it's something for you to think about."
And think about it he did. Yet every time he tried, all he could think of was Chris and what he would need. But that wasn't what Frank had asked of him. Eddie's mind wandered as he sat on the station's couch, flipping through the channels.
So lost in his trance was he that he didn't notice the footsteps sounding on the stairs until he heard a voice next to him.
"Well, would you look who it is!" Eddie jumped, whirling to see Karen standing there, grinning at him.
"Karen?" Eddie sputtered, brain rebooting, "Uhh- Hen, she's not here right now," He said dumbly.
Karen just chuckled, "Yeah, I can tell. Man behind?" The man just nodded, head still working to catch up, "That's okay, I can wait for them to return from whatever call they're out on. In the meantime, how are you?"
Eddie blinked, "Fine?"
"Is that a question or an answer?"
"An answer?"
"You sound very sure…"
"Karen."
"Eddie, we've been worried about you," Eddie looked down at his lap, suddenly very interested in his hands, "You've been going through a lot."
"How much has Hen…"
"Not a lot, just that you were hitting rough patches. But I could see how spaced out you were when I walked up here."
Eddie ran his hands down his face, "It's just… It's-"
"Love stuff?" Karen looked sympathetic.
Eddie raised an eyebrow at her, "How did you know?" Karen actually looked sheepish.
"I saw Marisol changed her status to single." He rolled his eyes.
"Well, blatant stalking of my ex aside-"
"I was not stalking! I just happened to come upon her profile!"
"Whatever you say. Either way, I just had unresolved issues to work over."
Karen cocked her head to the side, "Well, have you worked them over?"
Eddie made a vague 'eh' sound, "It's a work in progress. All I've worked out so far is that I'm taking a break from romance for the foreseeable future."
She nodded her head approvingly, "A smart choice."
"Frank said to really think about what I want, and not just what Chris wants."
"And what do you want?"
Eddie groaned, rubbing his temples, "I don't know."
Karen sat in the armchair nearby, humming, "Well, think about it. In the future, once Chris goes off to college," Eddie cringed at the thought, "Yeah, I know. I'm not ready for Denny to grow up either. But anyways, once you're an empty nester, who would you want to be there beside you, asides from us of course. What would they be like?"
The firefighter sat for a minute, brain working, "Someone… someone funny and kind. Someone who knows my past and doesn't hold it against me. Someone who I love and who loves me, who supports me as I support them," A spark came to life as the picture began forming in his mind, "Someone who isn't afraid to call me out for shit, but will also hold me when the memories get too bad, who will not turn their back on me and abandon me."
He breathed, the picture becoming clearer, "Someone who will fight for my son as hard as I do. Someone who has my back as I have theirs," Slowly, the picture formed a distinct figure, and that figure grew features, "A best friend…" As the picture settled, the figure becoming all-too familiar, his heart stopped.
"Fuck."