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You love your big sister so so so SO much. And she doesn’t always have time to show it, because she’s always so busy with Big Important Things and all the meetings she has with Big Important People but she loves you too. Which is good, because without the love and strength and TRUST you have for Sera, you’re not sure how long you could do this job.
Time works differently in Heaven, but you’re pretty sure this is your first client of the day. A little boy, new to Heaven, his eyes huge and dark and scared. St Peter will have welcomed him already, of course, but some winners need a little more than a smile and a musical number to settle in. So they send for you.
“Hey, Kai.” You say, sitting down next to him. “How are you finding your first couple of days?”
“It’s been great, Miss Emily.” He tells you, though his smile does not reach his eyes.
You offer your hand, and give his a comforting squeeze when he takes it.
“Heaven is a happy place, Kai.” You tell him. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t say when there’s something on our minds.”
He looks at you like he’s expecting a trick. Then he bursts into tears.
“I miss my family.” He weeps. “I don’t wanna be up in Heaven! I wanna be down there with them! I HATE IT HERE!”
Your heart breaks into a thousand tiny pieces, but Sera says it’s your responsibility to keep people happy and joyful. So you hold Kais hand and watch him cry and cry and cry. Time works differently in heaven, but he weeps for a long time, his tiny body shaking with sobs.
“You’re very brave, Kai.” You tell him. “I don’t know if i’d be strong enough to open up like that.”
He whimpers.
“I hate heaven.” He says. “I hate it.” He snivels again. “My daddy drinks too much and he swears, what if….He chokes. “What if he never makes it up here? What if I never see him again?”
“Oh, Kai.”
Nobody ever taught you how to have these conversations, and though you’ve had a million of them, each one is another little pinprick in your soul. But Sera is working SO HARD to keep Heaven safe, so you need to work hard too. So you hang around with Kai until he feels comfortable enough to hug you and you tell him it’s not his fault, that the way he’s feeling is normal and natural and understandable, that you know you can never replace his family but that if he ever needs to talk about ANYTHING you’re here, and while you talk you place your hand on his skull. In the middle ages, they used leeches to suck out bad humours from blood. People compare you to a lamb or a dove or a cuddly little duckling. Maybe you’re all those things. But you’re also a leech. By the time Kai is finished, you’re heavy and bloated with his grief.
Time works differently in heaven, but you don’t have time to catch your breath. By the time Kai is ready to rejoin the heavenly throng, you’re needed elsewhere.
Fights are rare in Heaven, but far less rare than you’d think. Every time there’s a war on earth, hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands of newly arrived souls have to reckon with the fact that they have to share Heaven with people on the side that they died fighting. Once, a group of them had got organised enough to continue the war they’d been fighting on earth, and Sera had had to Make a Difficult Decision. She’d been so upset that she forgot to eat, and you had to keep cutting out of work to make sure that she wasn’t starving. Poor Sera. She takes such good care of you, she doesn’t deserve this.
Thankfully, this fight is a lot smaller. Two squabbling winners, one thickset and bearlike, the other lithe and scaly, are being held apart by Lute, one of Adam’s exorcists. She looks at you in narrow-eyed dislike as you land, barely even deigning to talk to you. Instead, she directs her scowl at the two winners.
“The Seraph will handle you.” She snaps.
Lute used to be a lot kinder. You were friends, and you also kissed sometimes (she tasted horrible, of blood and smoke, but she always looked so happy when she did it), and sometimes you’d hang out when you had time to spare, and she’d do her best to share her feelings with you but you always got the sense she was holding something back (Poor Lute, she must have had a hard life), and then after one particularly intense cuddling session she announced she loved you, and maybe you felt the same but Sera said it wasn’t appropriate for you to be spending so much time with an exorcist, and Lute criedcriedcriedcried and called you horrible things and then never spoke to you again.
Anyway, you’re in luck. You don’t know the serpentine winner very well, but you recognise the older one. He calls himself Bronze nowadays, though you can’t remember why, and he’d been a fireman. You remember that because when he came to Heaven he could do nothing but scream and scream and scream about his slow asphyxiatin. You had to sit with him for hours while he wordlessly wailed at you, but you’re pretty sure he trusts you now.
“Bronze!” You say, smiling your best smile. “C’mon buddy, what’s up?”
He looks a little shamefaced.
“This….” He tries to swear, thinks better of it. “....man shouldn’t be here.”
The reptile sinner starts up again, furious.
“Screw you, old man!” He snaps. “I changed! I’m better now than I was when you died. Why the fuck can’t you see that?” He snarls, and begins to stalk off.
You wish there were two of you, so you could follow him. But Bronze looks ready to start a brawl, and Sera will be SO UPSET and even worse VERY DISSAPOINTED if you let the fight happen, so you flutter down in front of him. He glares at you for a moment, but then his shoulders slump.
“My daughter.” He says, finally. “Was meant to marry that man. Fifteen years, they were together. He left her at the altar, so he could shack up with his boyfriend.” He spits the last word like it’s personally offensive. “It killed her, you know.” Bronze says. “She started drinking too much, far, far too much. And…” His voice choked. “And now he gets to come to heaven?”
Sera would rebuke Bronze there and then, for daring to imply that the elders of Heaven could have made a mistake. But you are not as strong as her, so you sit, and listen to him, and cry with him as he talks about his daughter, and hold his hand while it shakes and he weeps, and listen and comfort and, when he’s not looking, draw his rage out of his chest so it stabs you in the gut, the furious burning in your tummy make you wince. You remind him Heaven is a big place, and that you can see what strings you can pull to make sure he and his almost-son-in law don’t see each other again. He tells you he wishes you were the Head Seraphim and that makes you sad because Sera is the kindest, wisest, person EVER, and it’s not her fault that Sera is so busy with Big Important Things that she doesn’t always have time to be nice. You wish you had time to explain, but time is different in Heaven, and you have to help someone else.
Loretta is….strange. Heaven is full of smiling faces, but hers takes that to an extreme, a wide grin fixed almost constantly to her soft, doelike features. Sera finds her a bit creepy, and she’s not the only one, so it falls to you to talk to Lorreta when she’s trying something unhelpful.
“Emmy!” She says, by way of greeting. Her camp transatlantic accent is tinged with just a little desperation. “I want to go to Hell.”
This is blasphemy. Heresy. You’re glad nobody overheard.
“Lori.” You say, softly. “Why do you want to go down to hell?”
You offer your hand to her, but she doesn’t take it. She’s never liked being touched. So instead you give her your most comforting smile, and listen raptly while she talks.
“I’ve been up here almost a century. My son was twenty five when I died. He would have come and found me, if he was here.” She shrugged, eloquently. “But he isn’t.”
The smile remains, but her face is so, so, so tired. Out of nowhere, it lights up with hope.
“Unless….unless…..is there some kind of purgatory?” She asks, desperately. “Some place where souls can earn their way in here? Yes. Yes that’s where he must be.”
“Lori.” You say.
“He did bad things, Em, but he was a good boy, such a good boy, he can’t really be in hell.|
“Lori….”
She grabs you by the shoulders.
“It’s my fault he’s in hell, if it’s anyones. Surely I can swap places with him? Just to make sure….”
“I’m sorry Lori.” You tell her, and her fragile smile snaps.
“WHY?” She screams. “FUCKING BITCH!”
She holds your neck with her right hand, and poundspoundspounds with her left. You’re a seraphim, so she can’t hurt you, but you know you’ll be seeing her crazed, desperate expression in your nightmares for the next few weeks.
“I’M IN HEAVEN! I THOUGHT I EARNED THE RIGHT TO BE HAPPY! WHY CAN’T I SEE MY SON! WHY CAN’T I SEE MY SON?!”
She slaps you and kicks you, shoves you and shakes you. It’s the wild, uncoordinated assault of one unused to violence, and while you don’t exactly enjoy it, at least the skin-on-skin gives her a chance to vent her feelings, hidden under that smile for decades, and lets you drink the poison from her body. The guilt, the grief you take away from her is so extreme that you wince and whimper as it joins the other acids on your soul, and she stops, guiltily as you do so. You give her a soft, “it’s ok” smile, and she slumps to the ground in defeat.
“Oh Al.” She whimpers, slumping to the ground. Clouds form into a cushion to catch her where she falls, and you sit down next to her. It must be hard to have people you’re responsible for. The task weighs on Sera, and Sera’s perfect. “Oh, my sweet boy.”
You search your mind for something to say. Often, Heaven matches children without parents to parents without children, but you’re not sure Lorreta is in a fit state to be responsible for a child. You’re so tired. You’re so so tired. But Lorreta is suffering more, so you stay with her, until….
Time works differently in Heaven. But this has been a long day.
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Sera loves you very very much, which is why she’s given you the room adjoining hers to sleep in. It means that she can tuck you into bed when she’s not too exhausted, and you can be on hand to help her whenever she needs it. At one point you were thinking about moving out, getting your own place, and while Sera didn’t exactly say no, she got really sad and listless whenever you mentioned the idea, so you dropped it.
Poor Sera. She works so hard, sacrifices so much of herself. She looks bad, when you get home, her wings drooping, her eyes sad. You scamper over to her, and lay your head on her chest, smiling up at her as you do so. She likes it when you do that. It makes her feel like she’s looking after you. And she is, obviously! It’s just sometimes you wish….never mind.
Another benefit of this nuzzling is it means you can comfort Sera without her having to look away from her work, so you lay there for a while, listening to the beat of her strong, kind, loving heart. You really want a snack, and there’s some milk and cupcakes in the fridge, but it’s bad form to be doing that while your sister is sad.
Eventually, she finishes her work and wraps you in a hug. You alter the density of your body so you squeak like a rubber duck when she squeezes you. It makes you queasy but she likes it.
“Are you ok?” You ask. “You look stressed.”
She smiles, indulgently down at you.
“Oh, Emily.” She says. “You have no idea what “stressed” means. I’m ok, little one. Just…” SHe sighs. “This job doesn’t get any easier.”
“I understand.” You say. You’re about to tell her how stressful YOUR day’s been, but she interrupts.
“I was in back to back meetings all day. So many arguments. So much backbiting. And Adam….” She shudders.
A thought comes to you.
“Sera.” You say. “I think Adam might be doing Bad Things.”
Immediately, her hug grows constricting, tense, rigid. You can hear her heartrate increase, feel her muscles grow tight. She spins you around to look you in the eye, and there’s something intense in her expression.
“Sera you’re hurting me.” You manage to choke out, and she releases her grip, but she’s still staring like she’s seen a ghost.
“Emily?” She asks. “What do you mean.” She’s practically shaking you. “Who have you been speaking to, Emily?”
“I just….” You flinch. “I saw Lute today and….”
“Lute’s a zealot.” Sera says, dismissively. “I told you, you shouldn’t be spending time with her, it’s not safe. Whatever she told you….”
“She didn’t tell me anything.” You say. “But she looked really sad. I’m worried about how Adam is treating them.”
A strange look of mingled relief and disappointment comes over her face.
“Sweet girl.” She says. “You’re a good person, Emily. But that’s an internal exorcist matter.”
“I know, but aren’t you responsible for Heaven’s defence? So that means they have to do what you say, right?”
“It’s too complicated for you to understand.” Sera says, which you hate.
“Or at least maybe you could let them mingle with other winners more? I’ve organised stuff like paintball tournaments and roller derby before, maybe they’d enjoy that? They all seem so miserable stuck in their barracks all the time. It’s not good for anyone’s wellbeing.”
“Emily…” If you were less tired you would have picked up on the warning tone in her voice.
“I mean, for that matter, why do we need so many exorcists? We’re not at war, we have no enemies strong enough to attack us, but the armed forces have got even bigger since the Cainite Campaign. Why….”
“EMILY!” You hate it when Sera snaps at you. “ENOUGH!” She grabs you by the shoulders and shakes you violently. “We are not discussing this!”
You love her so much. You love her so much. You need to remember, you love her so much.
“I wish you wouldn’t shout at me.” You say, in the most neutral tones you can manage.
Sera heaves a huge sigh, and you can see her trying to calm her raging nerves. (You’re sorry you’re sorry you’re so so sorry.)
“I’m sorry I raised my voice to you.” Sera says. “But you have to understand how it’s frustrating for me when you try to talk about things you know nothing about.”
“Then teach me!” You probably shouldn’t be arguing. “Sera, I want to understand how things work. I’ve been junior seraphim for aaaaaaaaages, why can’t I….”
“Because you’re not ready.” Sera says. “I’m sorry, but your job consists of painting children's faces and having cutesy little singalongs. And i’m sure that’s important, but it doesn’t give you the emotional resilience to do what I do!”
All the grief and pain and rage you’ve taken from Bronze and Kai and Lorretta forms a lump in your throat, and it tastes of tears and bile. You love her so so so so so so much, yes, you need to remember that.
“Ok.” You say. “Sorry, Sera.”
You turn to go, to collapse onto your bed, and spend a few hours cuddling your toy seal and eating doughnuts before you have to think about work again. Maybe a nice hot shower too, and…
“Wait, Emily.” Sera say, and you turn on your heel. She looks so tired your heart breaks. “I….uhhh.” Her wings twitch, her eyes blink fast. “Could you stay here? Just a couple of minutes?”
She needs you. You love her, she loves you, she needs you.
You frown.
“I don’t know Sera, it might not be safe here.”
Sera pales.
“Safe?” She asks. “Why not?”
You flutter closer.
“Because I think I can see….THE TICKLE MONSTER!”
Stern, serious, scary Sera melts like icecream. Within a few moments, she’s breathless on the floor, tears of laughter flooding down her face, holding up her hands in a faux plea for mercy. She pulls you close with a smile, not her usual polite one, but a big, crooked, lopsided grin she only uses for you.
“I love you so much, Emily.” She says, “I’m so lucky you’re my sister.”
SHE LOVES YOU! You cuddle closer.
“What are you doing tomorrow?” She asks, a little sleepily.
“It’s my day off.” You tell her. “I was going to hang out with the Cherubim for a bit. Maybe watch the dolphins.”
She shifts, awkwardkly.
“I need a favour.”
Oh.
“A favour?”
“The Princess of Hell is coming to Heaven tomorrow. She wants to talk about her idea to redeem sinners down there so they can come up here.”
You squeal with excitement.
“Ooooh, I love showing new people around! I can do that!”
She smiles, kisses your forehead.
“There’s something else. I, uhhh….” She cuddles closer, “Whatever happens in the angelic council, there’s going to be a lot of people upset with me. I….Emily, i’ve got no right to ask you this, but i’d feel much more secure if you were by my side.”
You smile up at her.
“Of course, Sera.” You giggle. “I’ll protect you in case anyone wants to attack your weakspot.” You tickle her again and she screams with dismayed mirth. “You know.” You tease her. “You’ve always taught me it’s wrong to keep secrets. Maybe I should tell everyone that the High Seraphim is nothing but a big ticklish wholesome softy.”
She’s laughing too hard to respond, but she shakes her head.
You hug her waist, and smile.
“Don’t worry, Sera.” You say. “All your secrets are safe with me.”
“I know.” She wheezes. “I trust you.”
You bounce happily, all the stress of your previous confrontation melting away.
“I trust you too.”