Chapter Text
It's amazing how much one simple text message has the ability to make Eddie's chest tighten with the unfortunately familiar feelings of panic.
Well, one text message, his son leaving him, and a strong dose of self discovery of the life-ruining variety. So, in fairness, not that amazing. Fairly reasonable, all things considered.
It had all started to boil over the moment that the door shut behind Christopher and his parents. He turned into the hand on his shoulder, collapsing against Buck into sobs he knew he would kick himself for later. Buck navigated them to the couch, holding him as Eddie thought back over every bad decision that had ever led him to this moment. To his world crumbling from under him - leaving him. Though he thought it might be fair. He'd been the one to leave Christopher first, after all, all those years ago now.
Eddie wasn't sure how long it was before he regained some semblance of coherence. Long enough that he felt even more shame crawling hot across his neck. He sat back from Buck, clearing his throat and apologising.
"Eddie," Buck said oh too softly, "you have nothing to apologise for. I'm here. For whatever you need me to do."
Eddie allowed himself to meet Buck's gaze then. The sheen of tears in his best friend's eyes made Eddie hate himself even more. How could he not have thought of how this was going to affect Buck, too? He loved Christopher. And Christopher loved him.
And now Eddie's selfishness had separated them.
"He'll come back." Buck sounded sure in a way that Eddie wanted to cling to like a life raft. "He loves you. He just needs time."
And Eddie was cast adrift, drowning in his own guilt once again. He'd sworn he never wanted to be like his parents, never wanted to be a person his own son resented, and yet here he was.
Probably some fucked up inevitability in his genes.
"Have you heard from Kim?" Buck said some time later, the two of them settled back on the sofa with something on the TV for background noise. Eddie couldn't tell you what it was, instead staring into the distance and rolling his half empty bottle of beer between his palms.
"No. She uh, dipped pretty much as soon as she saw Marisol standing there. Haven't heard from her since."
"Good riddance," Buck muttered, taking a swig from his own beer.
Eddie glanced sideways at him, brows furrowed.
"Come on. The woman finds out you still have messed up feelings about your dead wife and she decides to dress up like her? Like you're some weird drama project?" He huffed out a laugh. "How's that fair to you?"
"I did think it was weird, when I first opened the door. I told her to leave, I told her I knew she wasn't Shannon, I watched Shannon die, but I-" he paused, swallowing, "I got so caught up in the idea of being able to tell her the things I wished I'd had the chance to say, I guess I didn't think any more about it."
Buck looked at him, and Eddie knew he wanted to say more, but thankfully he must have recognised something in Eddie's face that showed him that he was done with emotional vulnerability for the day.
"At least you did get some form of revenge against the crazy," Buck said.
"What do you mean?"
Buck leaned forwards into Eddie's space, putting his now empty beer bottle on the coffee table and clasping his hands together.
"The woman got bangs, Eddie. Maybe she owned the clothes already, but the hair?" He tutted, shaking his head. "That's going to take some time to grow out."
---
Things were strange with Gerrard as captain of the 118 whilst they got the paperwork sorted out to get Bobby reinstated, but stranger still was the way that Buck suddenly became very defensive of his phone. Eddie saw him smiling down at the screen a few times on shift, then slamming it face down on the table as soon as he noticed Eddie. He assumed it was something to do with Tommy, something about the new relationship joy that Buck had been very careful talking about in front of Eddie, awkwardly trying to change the subject as soon as he could.
Eddie felt terrible, but he was secretly grateful for it. He didn't know whether it was his own relationship issues with Marisol, then Kim, and the resurfaced ones with Shannon, but something twisted in his gut every time he was reminded of Buck and Tommy together. The obvious evidence of their kiss at Maddie and Chimney's wedding had made him clench his fists, swallowing against the tightness in his chest.
He really hoped none of the latent Catholicism had manifested as unchecked homophobia. He didn't think so, but the thought did occur to him.
But the secrecy around Buck and his phone grew even more suspicious the next week as they planned their celebration for Bobby's return. Bobby himself had smiled and proclaimed himself clearly 'too old and fragile' for anything sort of festivities beyond a family lunch that he'd promised as soon as he and Athena had sorted out a place to live again, but given his blessing for whatever they wanted to do in his honour. Eddie was in the middle of sending yet another unanswered 'love you, hope your day was good' to Christopher and trying to ignore the screen full of only his words when Hen was struck with inspiration.
"Buck! Have you had a chance to go to a gay bar yet?" Hen asked, eyes alight.
Buck, once again buried in his phone, stuffed it in his pocket and laughed. "Uh, no actually. Kind of been busy."
"Well, I feel like it's my duty to take you. And the rest of y'all have to come, otherwise I'm calling discrimination."
"No complaints from me," Chimney said with a grin.
Ravi shrugged. "I'm game too."
"Eddie?" Hen said, wiggling her eyebrows like she knew something he didn't.
Eddie smiled against the lump in his throat. He'd passed a few gay bars, visited some out of necessity on calls, and the rainbow flags and flashing lights had always caused a twist in his gut that he was too scared to examine more closely. Another point towards his homophobia, as if he didn't already have enough to beat himself up over.
All the more reason to say yes. Especially with the way Buck was smiling at him, hopeful and shy.
"Yeah, why not."
Hen squealed in a way that Eddie had never thought she would be capable of and turned back to Buck.
"Invite Tommy too, if you want."
"Oh uh, actually," Buck tapped his fingers on his thighs, looking everywhere but at the rest of his team, "we broke up. So probably won't invite him."
"What?" Eddie hated how happy he felt. "Why didn't you tell me?"
It felt like everyone else paused, looking between Buck and Eddie. Eddie tried not to squirm, neck hot under the scrutiny.
Buck scratched the side of his face, looking at the floor. "I didn't know how to bring it up. Besides, we only went on a few dates, it wasn't that serious."
"On behalf of me and Chimney, that is a relief," Hen said, leaning back in her chair. "I'd hoped that Tommy had changed since we used to know him, but I was worried."
Buck titled his head in confusion. "Wait, what?"
"I didn't want to say anything at the time because y'all seemed happy together, but I had my doubts."
Eddie leaned forwards, elbows on his knees. Maybe Hen had picked up on the same bad vibes that had been making him feel awful about them together.
Buck still seemed bewildered. "Really, why?"
Hen pursed her lips. "Let's just say he wasn't exactly welcoming to me when I joined the 118."
"Or me!" Chimney added, hands on his hips. "Until I saved his life. Even then he still had some weird opinions."
Buck looked between the two of them, looking wounded. "Yeah he mentioned that you saved his life but not uh. Anything else. He said the environment here used to be pretty toxic."
Hen snorted. "Yeah, in part thanks to him. I mean, you've seen first hand now how Gerard was but we still managed to not participate."
"Why didn't you say anything?" Buck said, accusatory.
"I thought he'd changed!" Chimney put his hands up in front of him in a surrender.
"Well, I thought that or you'd realise the sort of person that he was and it would... fizzle out. It was your first openly queer relationship, I didn't want to get in the way of your self-discovery! Lord knows I've dated some questionable people in my time. And look, you realised and it fizzled out, like I said, so no harm done."
Buck still looked concerned, but he dropped it. "Well, uh, he dumped me. But it does make it a bit easier knowing all of that about him now."
"He dumped you?" Eddie didn't know whether it was the volume or the level of incredulity in this voice that made everyone turn back to him. He thought that both were entirely justifiable. He couldn't imagine anyone dating Buck and choosing to end things with him.
"Yeah, he did." Buck chuckled, his smile sad and directed back at the floor. Eddie was struck with such an intense desire to hug him he had to clench his hands into fists to stop himself from getting up.
He forced his tone to remain casual. "His loss."
Buck flicked his eyes over to Eddie, looking like he was searching for something in his face. Whatever it was, his sad "yeah, maybe" implied that he didn't find it.
"Seriously though, what happened?" Hen said. "You okay?"
Buck met her gaze, then his eyes flickered oh so briefly over to Eddie, and back to Hen. A look of understanding seemed to pass across Hen's face that made Eddie's stomach sink.
"I'm fine. So which bar are you taking me to?"
---
They ended up not venturing too far from the firehouse, somewhere that Hen had termed a good 'beginner bar', whatever that meant. The line curved around the block, illuminated with the sign that claimed to welcome everyone in a rainbow of neon. Eddie tried to avoid looking at the vast expanse of skin on show from the guys ahead of them in the queue, willing away his awkward tension. Thankfully, they were inside before too long, Eddie and Hen huddled around a table whilst the others went to get the first round of drinks.
"Karen and I used to come here all the time. They do great cocktails. She loves anything that comes with a little umbrella."
Eddie smiled. He hoped one day he would find a love as easy as Hen and Karen had. "Surprised you didn't invite her tonight."
"I did, but our sitter bailed. She was already worried about coming out, with Mara only just being back with us after everything, so she thought it best she stayed in."
"How are you doing with everything?"
"Getting there. A lot better now that she's home, but it's difficult to know how to explain it all to her. You know."
Eddie scoffed. He'd let Buck tell everyone a condensed version of events with Kim, too ashamed to explain it all himself, and they'd all been avoiding mentioning it since. "I do indeed."
"I think she's still scared that the councilwoman is going to get revenge some other way. I mean, I'm scared too. But I don't think I'll ever forget visiting her in that group home. I could handle her crying, but seeing her back to being so closed off like that... It was heartbreaking."
"Hey. You're a family now, legally too. She can't take that away from you."
Hen smiled at him. "It does help to be reminded. We had to fight like hell to get here." She fished out her phone from her pocket, glancing down at the lockscreen photo of her and Karen with their kids. Eddie's hands itched to look at his own album of photos. "Is Christopher getting on okay in Texas?"
Eddie cleared his throat, double checking the same unanswered text thread. "I don't know. I think so, but he's still not talking to me."
Hen reached across the sticky table, putting a hand on his wrist. "He will, I'm sure."
"I don't know, I really messed up this time. At least my parents keep sending me updates and pictures."
He had thought the guilt might lessen with time. Frank had told him to allow himself some space to process, and Buck pointing out how weird Kim had been had helped, but every day that Chris didn't answer him ate away at him more. Especially when he saw how happy Chris looked without him, grinning at the lake that he'd loved so much as a kid.
"Eddie, that kid loves you. And you've both been through so much. But you're not a bad dad just because you reacted to some psycho showing up and deciding she wanted to roleplay being your dead wife."
"It sure was weird." Eddie looked away from Hen, searching the bar for where the others had gotten to. This was not a conversation he wanted to have with anyone who could read people as easily as Hen could.
Chimney was wading back through the crowd, three drinks balanced between his fingers. Ravi was hot on his heels behind him with a tray carrying the others.
"Where's Buck?" Eddie craned his neck around the two of them, as if 6 feet of firefighter could be hiding behind them.
"Some guy started talking to him at the bar," Chimney said, placing Eddie's beer in front of him with a knowing grin. "Thought I'd best leave him to it."
Eddie was glad that everyone else also looked in the direction Chimney nodded towards.
Buck was chatting to a guy who was a little taller than he was, close cropped dark hair, and objectively incredibly attractive. Even Eddie could see that. The two were leaning into one another's space to talk, and as Eddie watched the other guy reached out and stroked down Buck's arm. Buck leaned into it, preening at the attention.
And Eddie felt abruptly ill.
He excused himself to go to the bathroom, staring at himself in the decal-covered mirror and willing himself to get a grip. Still, the thought of going back out there and having to see Buck all over the other guy filled him with dread.
Maybe he'd be lucky and they'd already have left together.
He wished the thought brought him comfort, but instead it just made him angry at the thought of Buck leaving them -- leaving him -- before the night had really started.
But when he went back outside, Buck was instead up and dancing with Hen and Chimney, no attractive stranger in sight. Eddie watched as he checked his phone, read something that made him smile, tapped at the screen for a few seconds, shoved it back deep into his pocked and went straight back to dancing. Eddie sighed in relief and made his way back to the table where Ravi was sitting.
"Hi there," came a voice in his ear, stopping him in his tracks. He turned to see a man in an open sheer shirt and leather trousers, unnaturally whitened smile blinding. The way he towered over Eddie made his stomach flip in a way that he shoved into the overstuffed box in the back of his mind that he knew he couldn't think about. He stepped around so he was in front of Eddie, filling his whole view. He swayed side to side. Eddie thought it was probably to the music, but he couldn't hear it anymore to be sure. "Can I buy you a drink?"
Eddie's cheeks flamed at the implication. He stammered through an answer, gesturing at Buck and the rest of the team as he spoke. "Uh, I'm here with him." Looking back after, he would wonder why he chose to say him rather than them, fully knowing what it implied. But it seemed like the logical thing to say in the moment.
"He looks like he's having fun," the man said, following Eddie's gesture to where Buck was still dancing. Buck had chosen that moment to look over though, gaze somehow finding Eddie. He was frowning, dancing suddenly stilted.
"It's his first time," Eddie said, leaning over to be heard better.
"Ah, a baby gay." The man nodded, smiling at Buck. "You never forget your first."
Eddie nodded along. He could attest to that at least. "Yeah I thought I would sit back and let him enjoy it."
The man looked between Eddie and Buck once more before sighing. "Well, I'll leave you be. I would give you my number in case it doesn't work out with baby gay, but the way you're looking at him I can tell that I've not got a chance."
He winked, clapped Eddie on the shoulder (and Eddie wished for a moment it was a different hand, a different person), and left Eddie in the middle of the bar, completely unaware of the bomb he'd just set inside Eddie's brain.
Because it could have been an easy mistake - man in a gay bar, you're going to assume. There had been one or two people before who had made that assumption of Eddie, and whilst it rattled him a bit, shook something deep in his core, he's been able to pack the feeling away into the box labelled DO NOT TOUCH in sermons and prayer books, wrapped in rosary beads and sealed with stern words from his father about the sort of man he should be.
But that wasn't it. The man had taken one look between Eddie and Buck, one look at them separated by half a bar's worth of space, and had known exactly what Eddie Diaz had spent his days since arriving at the 118 fighting to push down.
It was Buck. It was always going to be Buck.
It was video games with him and Chris, comfort given in trust and in faith, trips to the zoo and to equine therapy. It was wills and realisations buried under a collapsing well, jokes and quiet concern and if he's honest with himself, flirting in kitchens. It was the quiet domesticity of lasagna made to a family recipe over his son's homework, and couches that are perfect for falling asleep on.
And it was the sick feeling that twisted in his stomach every time he saw Buck with another man. The jealousy that had been there towards Buck's girlfriends too, though he'd put it down to them taking up his best friend's time.
He was in love with Buck. And apparently, even a complete stranger could see it written clear as day on his face.
He made a beeline out of the bar, chest constricting and breaths shortening. He leaned against the wall next to the bar, hand on his chest, trying to remember any of the grounding techniques that Frank had taught him and wondering how he'd managed to fuck up his life even worse than he'd already realised.
He'd managed to just about get his breathing under control when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He wrenched it out, frantically unlocking it to tap on the message notification that he'd been waiting for since his front door closed two weeks ago.
The screen lit up with one tiny reply that lifted him up only to drop him, spinning and freewheeling back down to Earth again.
Chris
hey dad. i'm good. how are you