Work Text:
Wei Ying was bored. He was slumped over the writing desk, with papers strewn all around him, filled with ink and the telltale crimson markings of a talisman he was developing. With a loud sigh, he sat up again and gazed out into the distance, at the trees swaying in the breeze, and the small coating of snow covering the ground, slowly melting under the weak winter sunlight. Everything was quiet, way too quiet for Wei Ying's mind, which was still spinning away, attempting to fix his new talisman. None of his ideas were working, and maybe it was time to take a break, start on a fresh sheet and rework his thoughts, he reasoned, brushing his papers into an untidy pile near the table, and looking around for an empty sheet, frowning when he realised that there wasn't any.
Groaning slightly, Wei Ying headed over to the wardrobe in the corner that held more writing supplies. But just as he was pulling out a new sheet, he saw something flutter down to the floor gently. Something that looked very much like a letter in a familiar calligraphy that he would have recognized in his sleep.
Curiously, he picked it up and unfolded it, wondering why it was hidden so way deep inside the wardrobe.
I have no idea how this works, no idea what to write. But i cannot say it to you, and i cannot keep it in anymore.
It has been five years now, my beloved.
Oh.
Oh.
It's a letter. Wei Ying thought, feeling suddenly dizzy. Its a letter that Lan Zhan wrote.
There was nothing there to indicate when the letter had been written, and a distant part of Wei Ying's mind reminded him that it was personal, and he was prying into private matters. That Lan Zhan would hate him for reading this. But a larger part of him had been stunned into immobility, as the words my beloved floated in his field of vision.
Wei Ying shook his head slightly, shallow breaths still making him lightheaded, but he couldn't stop himself from reading futher.
I have no idea how this works, no idea what to write. But i cannot say it to you, and i cannot keep it in anymore.
It has been five years now, my beloved. But i still cannot say your name without remembering everything. All my desires, and all my guilt. And i still cannot hear people say your name without wanting to scream.
You would probably laugh, and say that you could never imagine me, Lan Zhan, screaming at anyone. But for you, I would.
The words shook in front of him, and it took a few seconds for Wei Ying to realise that it was because his hand was trembling. He had a sudden desire to hide the letter and instead grab the Emperor's Smile that Lan Zhan had hidden in the jingshi for him, and attempt to drown the sudden explosion of feelings he was being attacked by.
But what am I feeling? He questioned himself, bewildered. There was definitely shock, but beneath the shock, Wei Ying could sense a cold empty feeling that he could just barely recognize as jealousy and sadness.
He had once briefly wondered if Lan Zhan had met anyone in the years he had been gone, if he had ever fallen in love for anyone, had found someone he wanted to let in, to let them understand his heart and his soul.
And it looks like he had. Wei Ying thought bitterly, as his heart clenched. He folded up the letter again, fully intending to shove it back into the cupboard and out of sight, but realised he'd not folded it properly after all, because the next page of the letter sat in his hand, the bold ink shining mockingly up at him.
Once again, his eyes glided over the words Lan Zhan had penned down.
I wish i could have done things differently. I wish i could have been by your side. I wish i could be by your side even now and if not for A'Yuan and Xichen Ge, I probably would be.
There was so much i had to tell you, so many words that i never let escape my lips, so many actions i hid away, so many feelings i shoved away and how i wish i hadn't. Maybe things would have been different.
Maybe then i wouldnt be sitting here saying i love you to the night air, screaming it into the void, because you are gone. And how i wish you would return. Everyday i ask the heavens and the earth and anyone else who might be listening, to let you return to me. Please.
And then, in a messier scrawl, smudged by dried blots of what looked like tears was one more line.
Why did you leave me.
Wei Ying could barely read the last line, the characters blurring together as his eyes swam with tears.
Oh. Lan Zhan had indeed found someone, had loved them so much that he had been mourning about being left behind even after five years.
Wei Ying sniffed, and rubbed away his tears. He knew what he had to do. It had always been inevitable of course. He had always known that he would need to leave, sooner or later. He had become too complacent, too happy, too satisfied with his new life here at the Cloud Recesses that he had forgotten he had no place here. And now after reading the letter, it was even more obvious that his place here beside Lan Zhan in the Jingshi belonged to someone else.
He'd leave, then. As soon as possible. He had the whole world at his feet after all, and maybe he could also go and try to find whoever Lan Zhan had been writing about, give Lan Zhan his happiness back. Even though the thought of someone leaving Lan Zhan made him want to punch them, but he would bring them back if he could, because Lan Zhan deserved to be loved, to be happy. Even if it wasn't with Wei Ying.
Besides, this was nothing new to him after all. Wei Ying had never really had a place he could call home for too long.
A small noise at the door, like a quickly suppressed gasp, jolted him from his thoughts, and made him look up from the letter in his hand towards the doorway. The doorway which had been empty just a couple of minutes ago, but now had Lan Zhan frozen at the entrance.
"Wei Ying." Lan Zhan said, overcoming his shock and striding into the room.
Wei Ying shrunk back, away from Lan Zhan, unable to meet his eyes as he quickly placed the letter back on the wardrobe, and wondered if it was too late to pretend that he hadn't read anything.
"Ah. Lan Zhan, you're back early. How was your day? I was so bored, you know..."
"Wei Ying. Did you read it?" Lan Zhan interrupted, standing much closer now, with a tense voice that Wei Wuxian had not heard directed towards him since their teenage years. When Lan Zhan had barely tolerated Wei Ying, maybe even hated him, while Wei Ying had flung himself at Lan Zhan all the time to get a rise out of him.
With a sigh, Wei Wuxian realised that he couldn't find it in himself to lie. He nodded.
"So you know my feelings." Lan Zhan said flatly.
"Ah. Yes. Im sorry." Wei Ying said, still looking away, as his fingers fiddled with the hem of his robes. He needed to get away. Now. After the way his heart hurt reading his letter, Wei Ying felt like he'd been cracked open. He was sure he couldn't bear the anger, or worse, the disappointment Lan Zhan would express.
"I'm sorry." He said again, and quickly pushed past Lan Zhan, arm tingling where he had miscalculated and brushed against Lan Zhan's arm. He was a coward, but right then, Wei Ying couldn't bring himself to care.
Running away into the dark, his path lit only by moonlight, Wei Ying couldn't help but remember another moonlit night in the Cloud Recesses, when he and Lan Zhan had first met. When they had fought, and Wei Yin had flirted, and given his heart away forever.
Looks like Lan Zhan had given his heart away too, and it wasn't to me but someone else.
Shivering at that thought, Wei Ying pretended that it was just the cold. Nothing else. Nothing at all.
He was fine.
***
It was a little after dawn, when Wei Ying was woken up by voices. Blearily, he sat up and stretched, rubbing his eyes, aching all over due to the night he'd inadvertly spent on the forest floor, leaning against a tree. Lan Zhan's favourite tree, his mind helpfully supplied.
Wei Ying sat there watching the sunrise, trying to soak up the sun. He was unconcerned by the voices, he had set up a powerful shield to hide away from everyone, as he tried to muster up the courage needed to go back to the Jingshi, pack up and leave. He didn't have to meet Lan Zhan, he couldn't. The letter he had written last night for Lan Zhan should suffice, he tried to convince himself. Besides it wasn't a goodbye forever, because Wei Ying was a selfish person who craved all of Lan Zhan that he could get. He was sure he'd make some excuse to visit Lan Zhan again, but for now, he had to accept that he was just a friend and nothing more, and let his broken heart heal.
Wei Ying was startled out of his thoughts for the second time in two days as he heard Lan Jingyi shout loudly. "Wei qianbei, we know you're there!"
Laughing slightly, Wei Ying removed the shield, watching Jingyi run up to him, and Sizhui follow at a more controlled pace.
"How did you know i was here? The shield was powerful enough to hide me from you both." Wei Ying asked.
"Wei qianbei, the shield hid you from view but it also stopped rabbits from entering. Look around you." Sizhui gestured, and sure enough there were the rabbits, sitting peacefully in a rough circle around him.
Oh.
Wei Ying burst out laughing, as Jingyi nodded enthusiastically, pride evident on his face.
And okay, that was clever of them. Wei Ying loved these kids.
Barely a second later though, he was forced to reevaluate when Jingyi snatched up his letter from the floor.
"What's this?" He said and proceeded to read it right in front of Wei Ying, before neither he nor Sizhui could stop him.
"Ah, Jingyi..." Wei Ying snatched the letter back and shoved it in his sleeves.
"Wei qianbei, why are you leaving?" He exclaimed loudly, and Sizhui froze on the spot.
"You shouldn't read other people's letters Jingyi." Wei Ying said, aware of the irony in his statement. He never listens to his own advice, and look what that got him.
"Yes but, why are you leaving? You're leaving all of us, you're leaving A'die!" Sizhui exclaimed. He didn't give Wei Ying a chance to explain, when what Jingyi said next made Wei Ying panic again. "You can't leave! Hanguang-Jun is already ill since last night, he can't..."
"Lan Zhan is ill?" Oh god, when did he fall ill? Was he already unwell when he came home last night? What did Wei Ying do!
"Yes. But calm down Wei qianbei, its not anything very serious." Sizhui said, as Jingyi burst out at the same time. "I dont get it! You both love each other, can't handle each other getting hurt, you'll jump in danger to save the other, but you never actually talk! And now you're leaving and its not fair!"
"Jingyi!" Sizhui said and clamped his hand over Jingyi's mouth, but it was too late. Wei Ying felt as if he had been hit on the head. "What?" Was all he could get out of his mouth, before his knees threatened to collapse and Sizhui grabbed him and led him to sit down gently.
"Forgive us, it's not in our place to say these things, and in fact, A'die had forbidden me from discussing this but...." Sizhui took a deep breath, looking as if he was preparing to battle a demon, and continued in a rush. "All i know is that A'die was always sad and grieving for someone.... for you, for thirteen years. I had asked him once, when i was younger, about who you were to him. And all he told me was, that you were his everything. And then you came back and we can all see how much he loves you, and how much you love him, but now you want to leave him again! Why baba?"
Sizhui was agitated now, not even noticing the term of endearment he had used for Wei Ying. Wei Ying felt hyperalert, as he watched Sizhui avoid his eyes, guilty about having spoken out of turn, but Wei Ying had never been gladder.
"Sizhui. If what you say is true..." he started, ignoring the mocking laugh Jingyi let out. "I will sort it out. I'm not leaving. At least not until Lan Zhan tells me to."
"Yeah that will happen." Jingyi snarked, but then miraculously shut up as Wei Ying's gaze slid towards him. With a small smile, Wei Ying picked up the nearest rabbit and placed it in Sizhui's lap. Sizhui smiled at him, accepting Wei Ying's attempt to calm him down, as he began petting it softly, letting the tension leak out of his body. No one acknowledged the tiny tear tracks on Sizhui's cheeks.
With new resolve, Wei Ying started back to the Jingshi, definitely breaking the Lan rule about not running around, but he believed he was justified. Some things were way too important to be delayed, after all. Like finding out if Lan Zhan's beloved was indeed him. He tried not to think about it yet, his heart attempting to beat its way out of his chest, but somewhere the seed of hope had taken root, and he wished it was him. Oh how he wished it was him.
***
Wei Ying burst into the Jingshi at full speed, kicking off his shoes haphazardly at the entrance, and looked around. It was already long past dawn, and by the insane schedule that the Lans stuck to, Lan Zhan should have already been dressed and having breakfast. But there was no sight of him.
On closer examination, Wei Ying noticed that there was a humanoid lump beside the wardrobe, which he realised was Lan Zhan with his head bent, arms around his knees, slumped against the wall.
Oh no.
Tamping down his panic, Wei Ying ran over and gently placed a hand on Lan Zhan's shoulder, shaking him awake. Lan Zhan sat up, blinking in the morning light, eyes rimmed with red, and hair disheveled. His ribbon sat crooked on his forehead, and before Wei Ying realised, his hand had already reached up to straighten it, stopping just shy of touching it.
What was he doing! Bad Wei Ying. He berated himself, and sucked in an sudden breath when Lan Zhan leaned forward slightly, letting Wei Ying's fingers touch the ribbon, his intention clear in his eyes as he met Wei Ying's own.
Oh.
Oh Lan Zhan. Im so sorry.
Wei Ying only realised he had spoken out loud when Lan Zhan's face closed off and he leaned back, trying to get away from Wei Ying. Wei Ying's arm fell back down to his side, and he watched helplessly as Lan Zhan kept looking down, avoiding his gaze. After a minute or so he said, "I am alright Wei Ying. There is no need to worry about me. I understand if you are disgusted beacuse of my feelings and want to leave.."
"Lan Zhan, what! Of course i am not disgusted."
"But you do want to leave." Lan Zhan said, holding the letter Wei Ying had written last night in his hand. Whether he had pulled it out of Wei Ying's sleeve, of if it had fallen out on its own and Lan Zhan had read it, Wei Ying had no idea, but he had to fix this.
"Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan, look at me." Wei Ying said, grasping Lan Zhan's hand in both of his, pulling away his letter and throwing it to the floor beside him.
"I'm not leaving. I dont want to. I thought i had to, because... well because i thought my love was unrequited. I thought you loved someone else, and they left you, and i thought i needed to leave before i start hurting even more, before i keep demanding more and more from you when i don't deserve it. When you deserve so much more. I thought if i could find your beloved, maybe you could be happy again. I..."
Running out of words, Wei Ying shrugged helplessly, stricken at the sight of Lan Zhan's teary eyes, even though none of the tears had escaped. "Wei Ying." Lan Zhan said in a shaky voice. "Did you not read the whole letter?"
"Huh? No, no i didn't... i was not supposed to read it at all, but i did, and then tried to put it back.... "
The small frown on Lan Zhan's face cleared, and he stood up, pulling Wei Ying up as well. Wei Ying swayed into him slightly, Lan Zhan's palms against his body burning pleasantly, even through layers of clothing.
Lan Zhan reached over and picked up his letter that Wei Ying had left on the wardrobe, and with a slight hesitation that Wei Ying almost missed, he handed it over. "Read it." He prompted. Hands trembling slightly again, Wei Ying opened it up, and read what he had missed the last time.
I have no idea how this works, no idea what to write. But i cannot say it to you, and i cannot keep it in anymore.
It has been five years now, my beloved. But i still cannot say your name without remembering everything. All my desires, and all my guilt. And i still cannot hear people say your name without wanting to scream.
You would probably laugh, and say that you could never imagine me, Lan Zhan, screaming at anyone. But for you, I would. I have realised, probably a little too late, definitely a little too late, that there are a lot of things i would do for you.
And i will start by writing your name here, even though it feels like its ripping me apart, because you deserve to have at least one person remember you with the love and respect you deserve.
Wei Ying.
Wei Ying.
My beloved Wei Ying.
But really, i dont have any right to call you mine. I never did tell you i love you, that i should have walked the single plank road into the dark with you.
I wish i could have done things differently. I wish i could have been by your side. I wish i could be by your side even now and if not for A'Yuan and Xichen Ge, I probably would be.
There was so much i had to tell you, so many words that i never let escape my lips, so many actions i hid away, so many feelings i shoved away and how i wish i hadn't. Maybe things would have been different.
Maybe then i wouldn't be sitting here saying i love you to the night air, screaming it into the void, because you are gone. And how i wish you would return. Everyday i ask the heavens and the earth and anyone else who might be listening, to let you return to me. Please.
Why did you leave me.
***
Wei Ying made a low keening voice as he read the letter, now realising that this was indeed about him. That it was a letter Lan Zhan had written five years after his death.
"I'm sorry I left you Lan Zhan." was all Wei Ying could say before he was pulled close, and Lan Zhan embraced him. Oh, this is nice. Wei Ying thought, even as he realised that his tears had slipped down his cheeks unbidden and he was now probably wetting Lan Zhan's robes. He buried his face against Lan Zhan's shoulder, lips accidentally brushing against his neck, and felt Lan Zhan stiffen for a second before he relaxed and sagged into Wei Ying.
Wei Ying gripped Lan Zhan's robes tighter, willing his tears to subside. They would blur Lan Zhan's face, and that, to him, was a crime! Slowly he drew back, and reached up to cup Lan Zhan's cheek, running his thumb against his cheekbone, brushing away the tears. Then, mind made up, he smiled at Lan Zhan, watched his ears redden immediately, and leaned up to peck his cheek.
"Lan Zhan.." Wei Ying said, dragging out his name in a whine. Then, as if it were a secret, he whispered into the small space between them. "I love you, Lan Zhan."
That was all he could say, before Lan Zhan captured his lips, and oh, this is very nice, Wei Ying thought. It was a bruising kiss, hard and filled with desire, and Wei Ying felt himself light up with anticipation. As soon as Lan Zhan drew back to take a breath, Wei Ying kissed him again, and then still pressed up close, said "Do that again Lan-er-Gege. We have years of catching up to do."
And catching up they did.
A small functional part of his brain reminded Wei Ying that it was the middle of the day, and anyone could interrupt them at the Jingshi. Well, they're just lucky that Wei Ying knows how to cast a powerful shield. He mentioned the shield to Lan Zhan once it was up, laughing at how Lan Zhan's eyes flashed, and the very next second, Wei Ying had been pushed against the wall and all thoughts fled from Wei Ying's mind as he instead chose to focus on the heat of Lan Zhan's gaze and the way they fit around each other like puzzle pieces.
It was only a lot later in the evening that Wei Ying remembered what Jingyi had told him.
"Lan Zhan." He asked, and felt the answering hum against his cheek where they lay together on the bed, Wei Ying resting against Lan Zhan's chest. "When did you fall ill? How are you now?"
"I'm... not ill, Wei Ying" Lan Zhan answered, confused at his question.
"Oh? Oh Hanguang-Jun you have a couple of very clever children." Wei Ying remarked, laughing slightly. Jingyi and Sizhui had completely tricked him, but it was all for the best. Definitely for the best, he thought, then shook his head at Lan Zhan's enquiring gaze.
"Anyway, I'm here to take care of you now. For as long as you'll have me, Lan Zhan." He said and pressed a kiss to Lan Zhan's forehead, against the Lan ribbon. Lan Zhan smiled up at him, and pulled off the ribbon, sitting up so abruptly that Wei Ying ended up in his lap, legs around his waist, chests touching each other. Lan Zhan picked up his hand, and with a small kiss to Wei Ying's wrist, began tying the ribbon around his wrist. "Forever then." He said, and kissed Wei Ying again. And again.
"Forever." Wei Ying agreed.
That evening, they watched the sunset together from the Jingshi's roof, Lan Zhan's ribbon still tied around Wei Ying's wrist because Lan Zhan had insisted " No one will come here, Wei Ying." And "I like how it looks on you." How could Wei Ying say no to that.
***
"Do you think its too early to ask about their wedding?" Jingyi asked Sizhui as they stood a little away from the Jingshi, watching Wei qianbei and Hanguang Jun sitting on the roof, shoulders pressed together, and the Lan ribbon gleaming brightly against Wei Ying's wrist where the sunlight caught the metal piece.
"Jingyi!" Sizhui exclaimed, then begrudgingly agreed. "Probably not too early. Zewu Jun told me that something happened when they were teenagers and Hanguang Jun had to use the ribbon to tie them together. So technically they've been engaged for a long time now."
"I did not know that! Sizhui what else do you know?" Jingyi asked excitedly.
"Nothing much. Just that Wei qianbei is the only one for Hanguang Jun. It was the same in the past and looking at how happy they are now, it'll definitely be the same in the future."
"Do you think if I lie again, and say you're injured and dying, and want them to marry as your final wish, they'll do it?" Jingyi asked, then laughed and ran away, Sizhui chasing him into the sunset.