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Hey Shepard,
I don’t know about you, but I could sure use a little breather. Next time we’re on the Citadel, let me buy you dinner. We should try Apollo’s. It’s that little restaurant in the courtyard overlooking the Presidium.
-Kaidan
Katerina had been re-reading this email for what felt like an eternity. She was full of excitement with a hint of anxiety. It had only been a few weeks since Kaidan returned to the Normandy. She still hadn’t wrapped her head around that fact. This time last year, they were facing off on Horizon. Then, she didn’t hear from him when she was on house arrest, only for him to show up the day she needed to speak with the council.
Anderson asked him to come because he knew it would help her if she saw a familiar face and he was right. It was nice to have him there, especially after the Reapers attacked. If that wasn’t enough, she recused him from an attack on Mars and watched him recover in the hospital, only to later stand gun to gun with him in the Citadel. It’s safe to say their relationship didn’t lack excitement in the slightest.
But what was their relationship? That was the question that she asked herself since he returned. The great Commander Shepard, who had faced Sovereign, Saren, and the Collectors head on was about to face her greatest challenge yet: figuring out her relationship with Kaidan. She who willingly runs into battle without a second thought is now nervous to meet Kaidan one-on-one for a…date? Hangout? She didn’t even know what to call it.
She went to her bathroom to splash cold water on her face. Surely, that will help calm her nerves. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and damn, she looked good.
Things had been confusing, to say the least, since Kaidan re-entered her life. Back at Huerta Memorial, they cleared most of the air. Kaidan apologized for not trusting and believing her about her intentions with Cerberus. He informed her that he wasn’t seeing anyone and that he still cared for her. He also admitted wanting to be in Shepard’s life in whatever capacity she allowed.
He wasn’t sure if the Reaper War would allow them a moment to be together. Shepard had a million and one thoughts she wanted to convey to him at that moment. Every time she tried, she’d see his bruises and scars and suddenly the feeling of guilt; the feeling that she was responsible for him being there crept in and she would keep quiet.
She was happy to have him in her life but she couldn’t just pretend that she wasn’t hurt by what he said, or the fact he missed almost a year of her life. She figured today would be the day to come clean and whatever happened, she would accept it.
She made her way to the Presidium, scanning the room for Kaidan. She saw him sitting down at a small table by Apollo’s and with every step she took toward him, anxiety and uncertainty began to rise in her stomach.
She walked up and heard, “Surprised this place can still get supplies for a menu like this” as Kaidan glanced over the tablet in front of him. “Maybe it’s better if we don’t ask how…or where” She chuckled as she sat down. His eyes met hers and she watched as he took all of her in with a look that could only mean he was thinking of several ways to get her out of that dress later. She felt her face start to turn red and hoped he wouldn’t notice or comment.
“I’m glad we’re taking the time to do this. I could use a sanity check” Sanity Check? She thought to herself. “Things have been pretty crazy” No Shit, Shepard, why would you say that? Shepard was used to giving commands, and dealing with conflict whether physical or verbal. She’s even become used to dealing with politics, not normal day-to-day conversations. This was a chance for them to be themselves and be real people for once. No fancy Commander or Major titles, just Katerina and Kaidan. She didn’t know how to just be. It seemed Kaidan wasn’t bothered by her response as he continued, “You know, my life flashed in front of my eyes on Mars–and there weren’t enough moments like this, with people I care about.”
She knew he meant her. She deflected the statement with a quickness that suggested she wasn't even aware she was deflecting. “How are you feeling these days?”
He took a breath, “Feeling up to whatever the Reapers throw at me. And grateful that I convinced you to sit down for half a second and relax.” Relaxed isn’t the word she would use to describe herself but she was glad that it seemed he didn’t detect her nervousness yet.
“Yeah, I think it’s a good time for us to have a heart-to-heart. What are you drinking?” She asked. There were brief jokes made about steak sandwiches needed to butter him up but ultimately they settled on Batarian Shard Wine. He indulged her with a story about his parent's home in Vancouver. She could see how it pained him to remember the memory, given that his father was still considered MIA.
Kaidan continued to say that he feels good about their chances against the Reapers but only because the thought helps him sleep better at night. Shepard became concerned, “You not sleeping, Kaidan?” She watched as he adjusted his posture, she took note of the slight tremble in his hands. “Maybe a little restless…The war isn’t the only thing keeping me up at night…I wonder about us” She watched as he averted his gaze and started to fidget. It brought her small comfort knowing she wasn’t the only one who was worried about the concept of “us”.
“Us?” She inquired. Without missing a beat, Kaidan followed up with a confident, “I love you, Shepard. I always have.” He was very vocal about his love for Shepard, even when things were tense at Huerta. However, something about the way he said it this time filled her stomach with butterflies. Maybe it was the intimacy of it all, just them, no other Normandy crew around. Perhaps it was the feeling of it being some semblance of a date or maybe simply because it was him. Whatever the reason, she felt something she hadn’t felt since before Mindoir was attacked, safe. She felt the anxiety start to leave her body with ease as she reassured herself that everything would be alright.
“I want to understand what this is between us…and make it real. That’s what I want, what do you want?” His voice brought her back to the present. What did she want? The answer was him but she didn’t think it could be so simple. There were still things she wanted to tell him, feelings and concerns she wanted to get off her chest. She looked into his soft brown eyes and couldn’t form the words she wanted. Instead what came out was, “I can’t bury what I feel for you anymore. And I don’t want to.”
Kaidan picked up her hand in his and held it close to her face, “That makes me so happy…and there are benefits to that happiness” He placed her hand down but not before he placed a gentle kiss on her palm. She made a quick joke about them needing to go back to the Normandy ASAP to explore these benefits. They continued their drinks with pleasant conversations and light-hearted jokes. Katerina found herself laughing harder than she had in years. She wanted to soak up this moment and live in it forever if she could. She promised herself that she would have a talk with him when they got back to the Normandy.
They had arrived back at the ship a few hours ago with hearts and bellies full. Shepard noticed that most of their crew had yet to return. After settling down and decompressing, she asked for Specialist Traynor to send Kaidan up. Within moments he was walking through her door with a sly smile. He wasted no time trying to show her those “benefits” he mentioned earlier. She tried to collect her thoughts but was distracted as he peppered her face with soft kisses as he made his way down her neck–his hands wandering.
“Easy there, Major” she giggled as she finally broke free from him but it was no use, he pulled her back in. “Come on, Shepard. I told you there were benefits and I would love to follow through.” Each word was broken up with a kiss more passionate than the last. She felt herself melting into him but quickly and abruptly pushed off.
“Kat, what’s wrong?”His expression grew more concerned. He contemplated moving towards her. He could see she was tense, nervous, and looked like she could burst into tears at any moment. He kept still and waited.
“Nothing’s wrong. It’s just I didn’t invite you up here for sex.” The words struggled to leave her lips as she held back a tear. “I invited you here because I wanted to talk”
“Oh okay, about what?”
“There were things left unsaid at Apollo’s. Nothing bad, at least I don’t think they’re bad”
Kaidan sits on the couch, gesturing for Shepard to sit next to him. “Talk to me, Kat. What’s going on?”
“If we are to be an ‘us’ then there are a few things I wanted to get off my chest. Starting with Horizon.” She said as she took a seat on the opposite side of the couch. Kaidan sat upright in confusion, “Oh, I thought we cleared the air about Horizon back when I was in the hospital.”
“Well, you did most of the talking that day. I was more of an active listener than a participant.” She said towards the floor. Kaidan’s eyes widened a bit as he was taken aback, “You know what, that’s fair. You are absolutely right. Tell me what’s on your mind.”
She began but quickly found herself unable to speak, “I–well..you see…I just–” The idea of being vulnerable made Shepard nauseous. The idea that she could bare her heart to someone and there was always the possibility that they wouldn’t care, made her anxious. It was this uncertainty that prevented her from speaking her mind.
“Kat..” Kaidan said softly as he gestured to the empty spot next to her. She nodded and watched as he moved closer to her. He offered his hand, and she hesitated before slowly and gently placing her hand in his. “Kat, breathe, it’s gonna be okay. Take your time.”
With a deep breath, Shepard started again, “You hurt me on Horizon.” She could feel his grip on her hand loosen, she looked up and was met with a blank expression. She didn’t know what came over her but once she started talking, there was no stopping.
“I understand that my death affected you. I understand that seeing me after 2 years affected you. I even understand your hesitation about Cerberus. That’s not what hurt me. What hurt me was seeing how you looked at me–like I was disgusting. One minute you’re hugging me, and the next you look like you can’t wait to escape me. From the moment you saw me you bombarded me with questions: ‘Why didn’t you call me? How could you do this to me?’ How could I do this to you? You were the first person I tried to look for. I had only been awake for a matter of days, did you consider that? Did you really think I’d just fuck off for two years specifically to torture you? Then, you refused to listen to reason. I was right there with Garrus and you stood there and called me the enemy. I saw your side of things but did you ever try to see mine? You somehow made my death about you and only you. How do you think that made me feel? The one person I wanted in this galaxy by my side just walked away from me…How could you do that to me, Kaidan?”
Katerina found herself pacing back and forth as Kaidan watched. There was hurt, confusion, anger, and a bit of sadness in her voice. Kaidan stayed quiet, he knew there was nothing he could (or should) say. This was not his moment. “Let’s not forget, your last contact with me was you attempting to apologize. Apologizing by letting me know you were trying to move on, even went on a date, but that seeing me threw everything up in the air for you. I’m sorry, did my sudden resurrection inconvenience you?” She let out a dry laugh.
“You know what else…I got a second chance at life, a second chance I wanted to spend with you, and you missed almost a full year of it. You weren’t there for the Collector ship. You weren’t there when the Collectors boarded the Normandy and Joker and EDI had to save it. You weren’t there when we reunited with Tali and Liara. You weren’t there when we rescued Grunt and took him to Tuchanka. You never even got to meet Mordin or Th–” She attempted to say her fallen friend’s name, but the words escaped her. It had been the first time she tried to say Thane’s name since his passing and she underestimated how difficult of a task it would be.
Kaidan had heard about Thane in passing. He knew he was an assassin, he knew some information about Kolyat. Beyond that, Thane was a mystery but it was clear that he was important to Shepard.
Shepard felt dizzy but managed to place herself on the edge of her bed. She landed rougher than anticipated which caused Kaidan to jump up and rush to her. He made it two steps before Shepard ushered him back to where he was sitting. “It’s fine” she managed to say as tears filled her eyes and her voice began to crack.
“You never got to meet Thane, and now you never will. I went and pieced myself back together finally. I didn’t even hear from you when I was locked up for those six months. I spent time thinking that maybe you would have finally changed your mind. I thought that hearing about the Collectors being destroyed, followed by my prompt departure from Cerberus and the Illusive Man would have been enough to convince you. I was wrong. Only for you to show up back on Earth like nothing was wrong. Even then, a small part of me still had hope that you could be reasoned with and we could put this behind us. What did I get instead? You questioned my every move on Mars–insinuating that I was the same as that Husk-like soldier we found. Suggesting that I was a ‘puppet, controlled by the Illusive Man himself’. Even then you couldn’t let it go. It was insulting. After everything we had been through, you still treated me like the enemy. Back at Huerta, you got to say what you wanted but you never once asked me about how I felt about any of this. Then after that one conversation, it was like everything was back to the way it was 3 years ago. It was jarring, to say the least.”
Shepard took a moment to catch her breath, warm tears streaming down her face. She managed to glance over to Kaidan who was still in shock. He waited a beat before giving a soft “Kat…”. Shepard shook her head, “I’m not done…” She stood up and made her way to where Kaidan was sitting on the couch. She stayed silent as she studied his face. She watched as his eyes quickly darted from her eyes to her lips and back up. “Earlier today you said you love me and that you always have...” Her voice began to shake as she mustered up the courage to finish her question. “...Why didn’t you love me enough back then? Why didn’t you love me enough to believe me?” The floodgates opened as the last words escaped her lips. Shepard began to sob into her hands–a year's worth of tears finally being released.
The sight of her crying shocked Kaidan. Shepard was usually the one consoling others. She was the one people looked to for guidance and assurance. She has never been the one to need assurance–or so he thought. Seeing her like this reminded him that underneath the titles and accolades, Shepard is still human. She has wants and needs even if she was too prideful to express and ask for those things. Kaidan realized that he had never once asked Shepard how she felt about anything or any of this.During dinner may have been the first time he asked her what she wanted. He tried to remember the last time she asked for anything or leaned on her crew for help…he couldn’t recall anything. He left Horizon in order to protect himself, he never stopped to consider that he was hurting her in the process.
She felt a weight lifted off her shoulders and a sense of relief. She wasn’t sure how long she had been crying before she heard shuffling. As she lifted her head from her hands, she was eye to eye with Kaidan who was kneeling in front of her. They stayed there a moment before he slowly reached his hand out, wiping away her remaining tears. It was a welcomed touch for Katerina. She closed her eyes as she tried to memorize the way his hands felt on her face. He took his time as he made his way from her eyes to her cheek. She was not used to gentle yet intimate acts of affection.
“You’re right…”
Shepard opened her eyes and saw Kaidan sitting next to her again, seemingly unable to make eye contact. “You’re right, Shepard. I wasn’t there for any of it. I was too wrapped up in my hurt and my own beliefs I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. I wanted to trust you…it was just too hard. That’s no excuse, though. I abandoned you in your time of need and that is something I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up to you…” His voice trailed off as if his thoughts were unfinished, he shook his head as though he were trying to get something out of his head.
“What is it?” Shepard asked with a sniffle. “It’s nothing, this moment isn’t about me, it’s about you” Shepard could hear the pain in his voice so she pressed on. “Okay, well, I am asking you about it, so tell me.” He let out a sigh, “I watched you die, Kat” She noticed he wasn’t looking at her, instead, he was looking at the floor. The movement of his eyes suggested he was reliving it; the experience of watching Shepard’s last moments. “I should have fought harder, I should have stood my ground and gotten you on the evac shuttle. I could have gotten Joker, but you were my Commander and you gave me an order but I–.”
“Kaidan, if you had disobeyed my orders, you would have been the one underneath the rubble of the Normandy.” She interrupted as she tried to refocus him back to the present to no avail. “Maybe it would have been better that way. You wouldn’t have fallen into Cerberus' hands, you wouldn’t have dealt with the Illusive man, you–”
“Stop it, Kaidan. I understand your sentiment but think about it, had it not been me, I doubt we would have gotten any of the information on the Collectors. We wouldn’t have gotten more information about the Reaper invasion nor would we have been able to surmise the Illusive Man’s true intention to control the Reapers. More importantly, I wouldn’t have you now.” Shepard’s voice was sincere yet firm.
“It’s not just that, Kat. When I saw you, yes I was angry because you were with Cerberus but…you were also with Garrus.” He admitted sheepishly.
“Garrus? What does he have anything to do with this?”
“Seeing you with him…put a lot of thoughts into my head. The idea that you decided to look for him and not for me. The idea that you two could have been…close. It angered me.” Kaidan seemed almost too embarrassed to say it out loud.
Shepard tried her hardest to stifle a laugh, “So…you were jealous?” Kaidan admittedly felt a bit silly at the thought, “Yeah, yeah, go ahead and laugh. It is a bit ridiculous looking back at it.”
“Yeah, especially considering you went on a date with a doctor? Right, something like that?” She teased.
Kaidan turned towards her, “Hey! You had been dead for two years and my friends set me up. Don’t worry though…she was kind of boring.” He heard Shepard let out a chuckle, “Ha, yeah I mean, it’s hard to top some of the adventures I’ve had.” She said looking very pleased with herself.
“Ha, no doubt….sooo you and Garrus never..?” He had learned how to be cordial with the Turian but not enough to flat-out ask if he and Kat had been intimate. Kaidan knew deep down that even if they had, there was nothing he could have done–he was the one who left her. There was a part of him that still wasn’t ready to hear the answer.
“Kaidan, no!”
A sigh of relief escaped Kaidan as he threw his hands in the air, “Hey, just had to ask” He watched as Shepard laughed to the point of tears. He could take a picture of this moment, Shepard in her comfiest PJs, short brown hair let loose from her usual ponytail. Here she was laughing, albeit at his expense. Her laugh was infectious, he could stay like this for hours.
He cleared his throat, “So all of this to say, I was an idiot. A stubborn fool who couldn’t see the truth even with it standing in front of me. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you then but I’m here for you now and I will continue to be here for as long as you let me. Whatever you need.”
Shepard had regained her composure. Her nerves had dissipated and she found herself resting her head on Kaidan’s chest. It caught him off guard but he would never turn her away–not again. He welcomed her in his arms.
“Whatever I need, huh?” Shepard asked in a way that suggested she was plotting something.
“Whatever you need” he replied as he began to rub her arm.
“Even dragging you into a Reaper War?”
“Even dragging me into a Reaper War” He rested his chin on her head.
“...What if I needed you to kill a spider in my new apartment?” She asked, half-jokingly.
“Ha, did you find a spider in the apartment Anderson gave you?”
“...Little fucker was hiding in the bathroom.” She felt his chest move as he let out a chuckle.
“Alright Kat, here’s what we’ll do: When the war is over, we’ll go back and I’ll make sure there are no spiders or any other creepy crawlies. Sound good?” He tried to convince himself that they would both make it out alive in the war.
She nuzzled into his neck, “The best. What would I do with you?”
“You’ll never have to find out” he replied as he placed a kiss on her forehead.
They stayed like this for a moment, embraced in each other's arms. Shepard had felt so much lighter and clear-headed.
“Can I ask a question, Shepard?”
“Go for it”
“Why couldn’t you tell me this when we spoke at Huerta?”
Shepard had hoped he wouldn’t ask. There is no simple answer to this question. She felt responsible for him being in the hospital. Seeing him bruised and fighting for his life gave her the perspective that what she was feeling didn’t matter in the moment. Her feelings of hurt and frustration didn’t compare to him almost dying. She just wanted things to go back to how they were. “I felt like I didn’t have the right words or the opportunity to do so. You almost died and I felt responsible...I still do”
She felt responsible? Kaidan struggled to comprehend how Shepard figured that. He willingly went back to rescue Liara, he willingly went and faced off against Eva. Shepard is the one who got him to the hospital, she saved him. “W-what do you mean you felt responsible? You’re the one who got me to the Citadel.”
“I froze. When Eva was attacking you, I didn’t react in time. I watched as she smashed your head into the shuttle and I just couldn’t pull the trigger fast enough. I’m sorry.” She placed her head back on his chest and Kaidan couldn’t help but notice that she was holding onto him tighter.
“Seems like we’re both too hard on ourselves, huh?” Kaidan asked and received a muffled “mhm” in return. “I’m glad we got a chance to talk like this.”
“Me too, Kaidan.” She truly was happy in this moment. She was happy to have found someone who could listen and reassure her. Someone who could admit and take responsibility for their actions. This night didn’t go how she wanted but it was what she needed.
“So what do you wanna do now?” Kaidan asked as he scanned the room, Shepard shrugged her shoulders as he spotted two wine glasses. “Actually, I have an idea. Give me a moment”, Kaidan quickly left the room. He returned moments later with a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy.
Shepard inquired as she watched Kaidan pour two glasses, “Is that the bottle I bought Dr. Chakwas and why do you have it?”
Kaidan made his way back to the couch, “Yes it is and I asked her for it. It’s not like she was going to finish the whole thing herself. Plus, I think I’m her favorite” he laughed as he sat down and handed Shepard her glass.
Shepard snickered as she took a sip, “Favorite what? Pain in the ass?”
“Oh no, I think that spot is reserved for Joker” They chuckled and shared a toast. They placed their glasses down and went back to embracing each other. Shepard didn’t know what tomorrow would bring but she knew that right now, the only thing that mattered was her and Kaidan.
“So..” Kaidan began, “did Joker really stop Collectors from stealing the Normandy?”
“Ha, he did, with some guidance from EDI. Ya know, I think removing her shackles was the beginning of their beautiful relationship.”
“I do not think that is true, Shepard. I believe Jeff started to develop an attachment to me before he removed my shackles. Although he will deny that if asked.” EDI chimed in.
“What the–?! EDI, have you been listening this whole time??” Shepard asked, not entirely surprised that the ship’s AI had been listening.
“I do not have much of a choice, Shepard. My body may be downstairs but I am everywhere on the ship. You were also yelling earlier so Jeff was worried. I am glad you and Major Alenko have resolved your concerns. I was unsure if Jeff and I would have to throw him out of the airlock”
Kaidan choked on his wine.
“That was a joke” EDI clarified.
“Huh, right. Remind me next time we’re on the Citadel to take you to a real comedy show” Kaidan said, unconvinced that EDI’s “joke” was not in fact, a threat.
Shepard rolled her eyes with amusement, “Alright you two, play nice. Goodnight, EDI.” Shepard made her way towards the bathroom to wash her face.
“Goodnight, Shepard. Goodnight, Kaidan”
“Right, goodnight...EDI” Kaidan headed towards the bed, he removed his uniform and laid down on what had become his side of Shepard’s bed. Shepard followed suit a few moments later, as she nestled into him, she kissed his cheek. “Now what?”
Kaidan reached for her hand and held it over his heart. “You know, I really like this. We can continue to talk if you want?”
“Okay, what else is there to talk about?”
Kaidan took a moment to think. He loved listening to Shepard talk about things she was passionate about or people she cared about. He decided it was the moment to start compensating for the time he lost with her.
“Tell me about Thane.”
Fin