Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

meanwhile, at the hazbin hotel

The first thing Alastor noticed when he arrived at the lobby was the alarmingly large presence of rainbow flags. The second thing he noticed was that residents of the Hazbin Hotel were still running around putting up more flags.

Sidestepping a particularly neon carpet, Alastor turned to the nearest resident: Angel Dust. “Pardon my interruption, but why is the hotel so… flamboyant today?”

Angel Dust laughed even though he’d said nothing funny. “It’s Pride Month, smiles!”

“It’s what now?”

“Pride Month! Ya know, for gay people. And also other people.” Angel sorted through the several dozen flags he was holding and handed a purple, white, gray, and black flag to Alastor. “Here’s one for ya.”

“I’m American,” Alastor said automatically, examining the flag.

Angel laughed harder. “No! Not like that! It’s for your sexuality!”

“Oh.” Alastor had never really given that much thought. “Well, I must inform you whatever…” he held up the thing as if it was a roach- “...this is, I am most probably not it.”

Really, you would’ve thought he had something in his teeth with the way Angel Dust kept laughing. “You’ll get it soon enough, smiles. Hey, ya wanna help put up more stuff?”

Why would anyone want more of this? It was an eyesore! “Uh…”

Princess Charlotte skidded to a stop beside him with large puppy eyes. “C’mon, Al, pleaseee.”

“Oh, Charlotte, thank goodness. This fellow here-” Alastor gestured to Angel with his flag “-gave me...this. I do wonder what it could mean.”

Vaggie, who entered beside Charlie, doubled over in laughter.

“Okay, well, you’re holding the asexual flag,” Charlie explained between giggles. “Which is like, you’re not sexually attracted to anyone.”

That made sense, Alastor supposed. “Hmm. I see.” Well, he had nowhere to put it at the moment, so he accepted his fate of holding it for the rest of the day and dutifully following the rest of the residents around.

He had to admit begrudgingly by midday the color schemes on some of the flags were not completely atrocious. Vaggie seemed to prefer an orange, white, and pink striped one, while both Cherri Bomb and Charlie seemed fixated on a blue, pink, and purple one.

“Hey look, V Tower’s having a celebration too!” Angel switched on the TV to a glare from Alastor. “Aw c’mon Al, I just wanna watch their Pride Parade.”

Hmph. You would not be seeing the Radio Demon watch a boring televised parade, pride or not. “Perhaps I should broadcast a special program for this…Pride.”

“You should totally do that!” Charlie squealed, always the supporter.

“Yeah, go kill homophobes or somethin’,” Angel snorted.

“Are those people who hate germs?” Niffty peered at Angel with her large yellow eye. “I hate germs. Clean, clean, clean, clean. HAHAHAHAHA!”

“Those are germaphobes, Niff.” Charlie explained patiently. “Angel is referring to homophobes, people who are homophobic.”

“Your explanation involves circular reasoning, my dear,” Alastor couldn’t help but point out. “Niffty, what Charlotte means to say is that homophobes are people who detest or dislike same-sex relationships.”

“So fancy voice creepy talk here does know what pride is,” Angel observed, eyes still glued to the televised parade.

“I am aware of homosexual relationships, yes,” Alastor agreed.

For some reason, this set them all off again, and Alastor shook his head bewilderedly. At least they were all enjoying themselves.

meanwhile, at v tower

“Voxxy, give me the remote-” Val whined, reaching for it with all four arms.

“Noooo we need more bi representation!” Vox rolled away from Val ( actually hard with a flat, rectangular head) and made sure V Tower was still flashing pink, purple, and blue as it should be. Pride Month, fuckers! “Please Val, the lights have only been like this for-”

“Two hours!” Val snatched the remote and coded the colors to pink, yellow, and blue. “Yaeaaaeaaeaaeaeaeaeaea-”

“Would you two shut the fuck up ?” Velvette yelled.

They both froze.

“God, it’s like living with a pair of toddlers who have control over the lights of a multi-billion dollar structure. Cunts!” Vel flipped them off. “Fucking Lucifer, can’t a girl sleep in the first day of Pride?”

“Sorry, babydoll,” Val said sheepishly.

“HA! GOT THE REMOTE!” Vox flipped to the other end of the couch, busily reprogramming the colors back.

“Oh my FUCKING GOD! Your fucking flags share two out of three same colors, why do you feel the need to put it in from top to bottom every single fucking time? Just display all four colors!”

“But Velllllll, it’s not the same with four colors-” Val started whining again, so Vel strode over and plucked the remote from Vox’s hands.

Tilting her head in concentration, Velvette carefully keyed in a pink stripe, a white stripe with a purple flower, then a pink stripe again. “And it’s fucking staying like this for another two hours, got it?”

“Yes, Vel,” the two toddlers mumbled in unison, heads hanging.

“Good. Now get out there and make fucking content! We’re expecting at least a 5% following increase from this, bloody hell.” Vel shook her head in exasperation. Youngest Overlord, more like the mentally oldest in the room.

“Voxxy, you should ask the Radio Demon out this month~” Val teased.

“Shut up!” Vox’s screen buffered to a rainbow cut screen. “I don't- he's not-”

“We've all seen your body pillow,” Velvette added with a smirk.

 “Wha- I don't have an Alastor body pillow!” Vox protested.

“Sure….” Vel and Val chimed together.

“Totally,” Val added. “It's not like if I get home later than 2, you cuddle it instead of me.”

“I do not!” Vox’s pixels decided to malfunction red. “Ughhhhh.”

“What-ever. My gossip feed literally just got a tip that he's gonna do a special Pride broadcast,” Velvette shrugged. “Perfect time to ask him out.”

“It's… not like he'll say yes,” Vox buried his head in a pillow. “He's literally my archnemesis.”

“There's only one way to find out, hmm?” Velvette giggled.

Vox got up with a sigh.

“Wait, are you actually going to? We were just teasing,” Val blinked.

“No, I'm going to go oversee our company,” Vox snapped. “Seriously, Pride sales? Vel, make sure to make all our profile pictures rainbow.”

“Already done, V.” she nodded.

meanwhile, at imp headquarters

“Heya, Blitz!” Millie grinned as he walked in. “Don’tcha know it’s Pride Month today?”

“Hmm? Oh fuck yeah, gay sex!” Blitzo crowed. “I love this month. I get to yell ‘Move bitch, I’m gay!’ at random demons, and they have to let me cut the entire line! It’s fucking awesome-”

“Uh actually, sir, that’s not how it works,” Moxxie pointed a finger, the epitome of the uhm akshully meme for a second.

“To-may-to, to-mah-to, same thing,” Blitzo shrugged cheerily. “Hey, should we do a discount or something?”

“Let’s stick rainbow stickers on all our posters,” Loona suggested, scrolling through her phone.

Blitzo thought about it for a second, then grinned. “Sounds good, Loony! I bet we’ll get a shitload more customers!”

“That’s not- you can’t just-” Moxxie sighed.

Almost comically, Blitzo wandered onto the empty street and tacked a rainbow sticker on an IMP poster. Within seconds, it was swarmed with excited clients.

“Aw, cheer up, Moxmox! You’ll get to shoot a lot more homophobes today!” Millie smiled at him. “It’ll be fun!”

(editor’s note: this au is placed BEFORE full moon because full moon damaged me psychologically so hard i had to break the fourth wall. THERE IS NO FULL MOON. IT DOESN’T EXIST.)

Blitzo’s phone suddenly went off. “Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck,” he chanted as he juggled it, trying to grab it. He sighed, seeing the caller id. “Hi, Stolas.”

“Blitzyyyy! Did you know, today is June 1st?” The owl’s excited little voice chirped through the phone. “Isn’t that exciting?”

“Amazing.” Blitzo said flatly. “It’s still two weeks until the full moon.”

“Oh yes, I know, but wouldn’t you like to come over and see my collection of flags, Blitzyyy? Some of them were made with real precious metals~”

“Collection of flags, more like red flags,” Blitzo muttered under his breath.

“Hmm? What was that?”

“I said, I’ll think about it and maybe check that out later. Have to work now. Bye!”

…oh. Stolas stared down at his telephone, blushing. What had he fucked up this time? Well, Blitzy did say he maybe would come later. Yes, Stolas had to get dressed. Blitzy would come by later!

Blitzo sighed down at his phone. Maybe after finishing the 4 new jobs that had just come in. “Alright, IMP, let's go! What's our first target?”

Loona checked her phone. “Our client Nex came out to their extremely conservative dad this morning and their dad killed them. Nex wants revenge.”

“Clean cut single murder, suburbs?” Blitzo checked his gun.

“Portal opening now,” Loona agreed boredly, flipping through the Grimoire. “Be back before lunch if you can, you have the other three jobs blocking the afternoon.”

“Excellent.” Blitzo hopped through the portal with multiple firearms, immediately followed by Millie and Moxxie.

meanwhile, in heaven

“Why is Hell so fucking colorful today?” Adam peered down through the clouds, slurping on a drink.

“I believe it’s ‘Pride Month’, sir,” Lute sneered.

“Ew, they celebrate homosexuals?” Adam gagged, taking another sip of the drink. “Disgusting.”

“We also have that up here, sir,” Lute added. “There’s a Pride parade downtown later.”

“Fucking gross, why? A dude liking another dude is gross. Women are hotter, y’know?” Adam sighed.

“Um, yes sir.” Lute thought about a certain velvet-haired Overlord. “I suppose they-”

“Not for you, obviously,” Adam snapped a plate of ribs into existence. “I fucking love Heaven. Free food, all the time. Hey, when’s the next Extermination?”

“162 days…” Lute checked her phone. “Sorry, 161 today.”

“So it’s fucking after Pride Month?”

“Yes.”

“Dang it. Well, I don’t even understand what those sinners see in the same sex anyway. Guys are ugly. I mean, not me. I’m a hot guy. All bitches love me! I’m the OG di-”

“I don’t really want to know, Adam,” Lute suppressed a sigh. “Wait, what’s that down there?”

“Oh my fucking God.”

“Oh my God.”

“Is that…is that a-”

“One hundred person gay orgy in the Lust Ring? Yeah, stab my fucking eyes out like Vaggie’s cause I did not need to see that.” Adam fake-puked over a golden cloud.

Lute snorted. “Why isn’t there straight pride, anyway?”

“Uh-huh, why?” Adam stabbed another rib. “If it were up to me, every fucking month would be straight pride month.”

“Doesn’t that defeat the point of a specific month?”

“Huh? I don’t really know, honestly. Oh my God, these are so good. You need to try one. Where the fuck are they getting these Heaven cows?” Adam conjured a fork into Lute’s hand.

Lute took a tentative bite. The ribs were good. “These are great.”

“Mhm. Hey, I got an idea. We should go fuck a bunch of bitches to show how straight we are-”

“ We ?”

“-See ya later, bitch.” Adam said, talking completely over her. Then he vanished.

“Not me though, it’d be gay for me to fuck women, right. Right.” Lute nodded to the empty air. “Right. And I’m not gay, soooo. Right.” Why was she still nodding. This was awkward. She should stop nodding. She wasn’t gay.

Then her phone rang, causing her to jump a foot in the air before grabbing it and picking up. “Head Exorcist Lute of Heaven, how may I assist-”

“Happy fucking Pride Month, prude!” cackled a vaguely British female voice. Wait. That was- “It’s Velvette for ya! Let me guess, you and Adam slandering us fags right now? HA HA HA!”

“What- how did you get this number?” Lute spluttered, turning red. “I’m not even on your service-”

“I know a guy who has all the numbers , bitch!” Velvette was still cackling. “Hey, you ever want a good time, fall down to Hell, eh?” Her laughter was replaced by a sudden sultry purr. “I’ll show you real Heaven .”

“I- you- blasphemy!” Lute got out. “Ugh!”

“Eloquent as ever, baby. Catch ya next Extermination!”

“...Fuck you!” Lute screamed into the phone.

“Don’t threaten me with a good time! Ta!” Velvette hung up before Lute had the chance to reply or possibly pass out. 

Lute closed her eyes and mentally counted to five, cheeks still red. She wasn’t a dyke, she was a perfectly normal straight woman (probably? definitely). Time to find Adam. Oh wait, he had gone to fuck women- and there went her composure again.

Her phone beeped.

Text from: Unknown Number.

Hey baby, it’s Velvette again xoxo >:)

Lute’s finger hovered over the BLOCK button, but the rest of her fingers found their sacrilegious ways in typing back. Hi. Delete delete delete. Hey. No. Delete. Block? No. Uh.

Cat got your tongue? Or should I say, your fingers ;)

Stop sending me suggestive emoticons, blasphemous sinner. 

Make me ;)

Lute threw her phone on the ground and buried her face in her hands. Jesus fucking Christ.

I guess I can get you speechless in every way, pretty girl <3 Velvette sent after Lute didn't respond for a minute.

Lute fumbled for her phone. Stop flirting with me!

Make me ;)

Stop saying that!

Make me ;)

Lute growled, portal appearing before she even registered it, angelic spear manifesting, maybe she would go down there, pre-Extermination, just to wipe out one particular sinner-

“Damn, I didn’t mean it literally, bae.”

Lute jumped as Velvette smirked at her through the portal. Close, close, close, close! She commanded frantically. The portal did not close. Why was the portal getting closer.

Velvette watched smugly as Lute’s powers rebelled against her and completed the portal, spitting her out into V Tower’s penthouse. “Welcome to Hell, baby girl.”

“Stop with the nicknames! My name is fucking Lute!”

“Do you know my name, Lute?”

Somehow the stupid sinner made just saying her name sound suggestive. “Uh-” Lute swallowed, suddenly aware she was in Hell at the mercy of an Overlord. “...Velvette?”

“Oh, so you do know me! This is going to be right fun.” Velvette smirked, leaning closer on the couch to Lute.

“What- there is no this. I am going back to Heaven right-” Lute tried to move, only to find her clothes pinning her in place. “Gah, vile demon! Release me!”

“Is that any way to talk to an Overlord, bae?” Velvette’s desire-red eyes were glowing as she leaned closer in.

Lute could technically wriggle out of her clothes and escape, since Velvette seemed only able to control fabric, but that would be mortifying beyond God. And Vel was so close, and it was so hot in here-

As Vel’s face neared, Lute summoned her angelic spear and leveled it at the sinner’s face. “Stay back, blasphemous sinner!” With her remaining concentration, she tried frantically to re-open a portal to Heaven, breathing a sigh of relief when it finally fizzled into existence.

“But do you really want me to stay so far from you, bae?” Velvette purred, eyeing the spear more like a stuffed animal with no fear.

The portal was not expanding fast enough. Hurry, hurry, hurry- Lute’s hands were shaking so much she almost dropped the spear. Infectious, lewd thoughts were racing through her mind a mile a minute because of that stupid sinner!

“ I think you just can't admit to yourself you want me,” Velvette whispered, barely audible, two purple nails moving the spear aside. “You want me to put my tongue in between those pretty lips of yours-”

Lute let out a strangled gasp, blood rushing to her face.

“Tell me if you don't like this, darling, but I think you will,” Vel murmured, then kissed Lute.

The angelic spear clanged to the ground and the portal slowly whirled out of existence as Velvette pushed Lute down on the couch and gave her the best kisses she had ever gotten.

Isn't there something you need to remember? A little voice in the back of Lute’s head asked. The rest of Lute’s head yelled Shut the fuck up, I'm making out with Velvette.

Velvette’s tongue then as promised went inside her mouth, and Lute may or may not have made an embarrassing noise between a moan and a gasp.

“Why don't you stay down here a bit longer, baby girl?” Vel crooned, and Lute did not have it in her to say no.

Chapter Text

meanwhile on earth

“And…” Blitz pulled the trigger. “Boom. Last kill, complete.” The head of a transphobic disrespectful Karen exploded in a satisfying shower of blood. “Eat lead, bitch!”

Moxxie rolled his eyes. “Actually sir , security’s pulling up on the building. We need to leave.”

“ Uhm akshually sir ,” Blitzo mocked, rolling his eyes. “Millie, phone?”

“Loona, we’re ready!” Millie chirped into the phone.

A portal appeared behind them and the IMP members hopped back into Hell gleefully. “Good work, team, good work!” Blitzo said all around as they cleaned themselves off and reloaded weapons.

“Current earnings… a lot.” Loona tapped the board, showing a zigzag of charts. “Take the night off, enjoy yourselves.”

“Wait, Loony, you can’t do that!” Blitzo groaned as Millie and Moxxie left. “We could’ve pulled a night job! Come back! Wait!”

“And miss the first night of Pride? Hell no. There’s absolutely wild parties tonight, not to mention all the clubs are doubling their quality. Speaking of parties, that’s where I’m headed.” Loona slung her coat on. “I’ll text you when I need a ride home.”

“Wait-” Blitz trailed off as the door shut, leaving the room empty. Now what was he supposed to do all night? Partying seemed fun, and he should pay Fizz a visit soon anyway. Hmmm. Yeah, maybe he’d catch an elevator to the Lust Ring. The parties there had to be craz- his phone rang loudly. “Ah, shit, fuck, fuck-” Blitz picked up without looking at the caller’s name. “Hello?”

“Hello, Blitzy~”

Blitzo’s head slumped forward. “...hey, Stolas.”

“Are you still coming by, my darling? Just checking! I’ve been waiting, you know.”

Now he felt bad. “Uh…” Fuck it, he had literally nothing to do. Maybe he’d do Stolas, then. “You know what? I’ll come over right now.”

“Oh, really!? Sins, Blitzy, it’s a date!”

“It’s not-” The call ended. “God fucking dammit!” Blitz sighed and got in the car. It didn’t matter what Stolas wanted to call it, it was just casual sex and nothing more. Nothing more.

meanwhile in the hazbin hotel

“Ya know the feeling when it’s so bad you can’t tear your eyes away?” Angel was buried in blankets. “Yeah…uh…”

The rest of the Hazbin Hotel was huddled around the radio with him, listening with flinches and hanging open jaws as Alastor happily tore open some random sinner.

“Why are we listening to this again?” Husk grumbled.

“B-because we want to support Alastor, during his Pride special p-progra- oh my god, were that his intestines?” Charlie pulled the pillow further over her ears. “Oh my goodness.”

“P- please -” The sinner’s voice begged on the radio.

“No can do, my good man!” Alastor chirped, ever smiling. “Please, do remind me of your daughter’s name?”

“ His name is Jas-”

“Wrong again!” Alastor cheerily stabbed the hyena-demon in the legs, making sure to twist the knife before pulling it out. “I believe her name was Jada, and she went to Heaven after you killed her!”

“ You’re a [bleep]ing lib, Jesus is going to kill all of you, this is the Dems’ plan to support the [bleep]ing commies and Obama!”

“The son of God doesn’t care about us anymore, you woefully ignorant fellow!” More stabbing and squelching and screaming. “Did you need those organs? Hopefully not!”

“ F…uck you…” The demon’s dying gurgles drifted wonderfully to the microphone.

“Oh, he died already. How unfortunate!” Alastor wiped blood off his face with a delighted smile. “In that case, sinners, tune back here in two days for my next queer-related broadcast, in honor of Pride month! Happy Pride, all.”

He switched off the live and was preparing to deactivate the broadcasting equipment when a new voice suddenly popped onto the line. “Hey, Al.”

Alastor muted himself, suspired, and unmuted. “Hello, failed 2.0 version of radio. May I inquire as to why you hijacked my broadcast?”

Silence.

Well, color him crazy. He shook his head bemusedly and reached to turn off the broadcasting equipment once more.

“Wait!”

It was definitely Vox.

“What do you want, Vox?” Alastor gritted his teeth behind his smile that nobody could see anyway.

“Uh, hi, Al.” Vox’s voice was shaky, which was unexpected considering he was always collected and professional in public. Then again, they weren’t broadcasting to the public anymore. “I know we didn’t part on the best of terms, but there was always something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”

“Don’t keep me waiting, then.” His interest was officially piqued. What could it possibly be?

“I…I have feelings for you, Alastor.”

“Oh.” Alastor’s adrenaline instantly spiked, slowing the world down and speeding his thoughts into overdrive. How do I say this without being rude…

“And uh, I was wondering if you’d like to go on a date with me. Tonight. I have this reservation-”

“I’m sorry, I must’ve misheard you. Come again?”

“I have feelings for you. I like you. I love-”

Please don’t. We have an okay relationship already. We fight, we bicker over radio waves, the public likes it. I just- I can’t do this right now. I’m so sorry, old friend. I can’t return those feelings for you. The Hazbin Hotel residents have diagnosed me with something called ‘asexuality’ and the thing is… I think I agree. I can’t do this with you anymore.

Alastor did not say those thoughts aloud. Instead, his smile grew ever sharper. “Wow, that is a new low even for you, picture box! I did not suspect you’d stoop to such tricks of debauchery and spectacle. I suppose I overestimated your intelligence, old friend!”

“Al…I’m not…” Vox’s voice was hurt (oh, irony.) “I’m not joking…”

“Then it’s even more unfortunate for you! I do not return those pathetic little ‘feelings’ you claim to have, and additionally unlike you, I have friends to return to!”

Silence.

I am so, so sorry.

His smile pulled so high the corner of his lip cracked.

“Goodbye, Vox!”

meanwhile at v tower

Lute blinked her eyes open at 2:36am. Where was she? As her senses slowly settled in, she realized she was most definitely not in her bed in Heaven. The Head Exorcist turned to see Velvette sleeping on the other side of her bed. Then her memory returned. Velvette’s lips on her skin, Velvette’s hands on her, Velvette, Velvette-

“Fuckkkkkkkk,” Lute said to the darkness.

Messily tugging on her sweater, she saw she had twenty missed calls and sixty-nine new texts from Adam. Double fuck. Kicking on her shoes, she struggled to unlock her phone with one hand.

Texts from: Adam

bitch where are you its 11

your in bed by 9 literally evry day wtf

You’re, Lute frowned before continuing to scroll.

lute hello?

lute

lute

lute

lute

lute

This continued for fourteen messages, and then:

lute if you don’t respond i am going to call you

The timestamps reflected it was then Adam began attempting to call her, but her phone had somehow turned itself to silent mode and ignored all incoming calls and texts. Fucking blasphemous sinner… the words barely carried venom anymore, though, as Lute remembered the blasphemous sinner ’s tongue with a shiver.

As soon as Lute finished dressing and getting herself together, she slipped into the bathroom and called Adam. “Um, hey,” she said, wincing when her voice cracked.

“Finally, bitch! Where the fuck are you?”

Lute hastily turned the volume down. “Uh, it’s a really long story, but I’m not home right now-”

“Yeah, the fuck you aren’t!” To Lute’s horror, video call activated; Adam’s screen displaying a view of her apartment, drawers askew and doors open. “I looked for ya! Where are you?”

“What did you do to my apartment?” Lute hissed. “Stay there. I will be back in five minutes.”

“Where the fuck are you? I was going to fucking ask Sera to triangulate your location!”

“Please don’t.” Lute shut off her camera and microphone as she tried to focus on making a portal. Close your eyes. Breathe. Imagine the place you want to go, and a string around your wrist. Now pull-

Knock knock knock. “Where are you going, baby girl?” A sleepy voice that had no business being that hot yawned.

FUCK Lute opened the door just a fraction. “Just…using the bathroom.”

“There is a fucking portal to Heaven behind you, babe.” Vel pointed out with a dry grin. “Want some coffee before you go?”

“Huh?”

“I got a machine in the kitchen, I think.”

“No, I heard you-” Lute shook her head. “You’re letting me leave?”

“You didn’t have to sneak out, you know.”

“But… why?”

“Why not?”

“Cause I…” Lute blushed. “Y’know, we…I…”

“Do you usually kidnap people after you fuck them, doll? And you’re welcome to stay the night, leave in the morning.”

“No! You- ugh.” What was it about Vel that made her stumble over her words? “We… performed a shameful activity.”

“Baby, it is not shameful to be gay.”

“Ugh! Yes it is! At least- ugh, you wouldn’t get it. Just- I’m going to go back to Heaven now. Do not expect this to be happening again. I was… distracted.”

“Do you want to be distracted again?” Velvette purred.

Where were portals when you needed them?? “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” Lute didn’t have the will to lean back nor lean forward. “I- really should go… Adam is waiting for me…”

“Yeah, he fucking is,” Adam said behind her.

Lute’s heart leapt into her throat as she slammed the bathroom door very quickly and turned. “Fuck, Adam!”

“What? You opened the portal. It’s not my fault you kept talking to someone else without coming through.”

“Did you… see anything?” Lute asked carefully, eyes darting around the bathroom if anything might hint at fucking gay sinner .

“Nah. And sorry for, ya know.”

“Huh?”

“C’mon Lute, it’s obvious you were with someone ,” Adam grinned slyly. “Showing those homos straight pride, am I right?”

“Uhhh, yes. That.”

“You can go back to sleep there if you want,” Adam offered. “I just didn’t know where you were, so I-”

“Tore apart my entire apartment?” Lute stuck her head into the portal and looked around. It looked like a day of cleaning minimum just from her vantage point. “Whatever. This was just a one-time…thing, that won’t happen again. I barely even know this rando.”

“So relatable,” Adam nodded. “I literally fucking called Sarah the wrong name last night. I mean, Tracy. Shit. Bitches always want to be important like that, ya know? Gets inside your head when it was just a fuck.”

Yes. She did know. When it was just a fuck . “Yeah, it was just a fuck,” Lute repeated, almost to herself. “I’ll come back now, then. I have all my stuff. Could you give me a sec, tho?”

Adam shrugged, turning back to his seemingly-eternal drink as Lute opened the door again. Velvette was now on her phone. “Oh, there’s my little angel! Ready to come back to bed?”

“Shhh!” Lute glanced back at Adam. “Adam is right there . I’m only telling you I’m leaving, and this is not happening again.”

“Deep in denial, are we?”

“N-no! There is nothing !”

“Soooo, friends with benefits?”

“Not friends! I am leaving!”

“See you in a week, then.”

Lute gritted her teeth and shut the door. “Okay, Adam, coming through.”

Chapter Text

meanwhile at v tower

“Good morning, Vees!” Velvette practically skipped into their lounge. “How was day one of Pride Month?”

“Amazing!” Valentino said at the exact same time Vox flatly said, “Horrible.”

“Oh-” Velvette looked between her two associates. “Let’s hear the bad news first then, yeah?”

Vox sat down on the couch and motioned for the robotic assistant to give him some especially strong vodka. “I told Alastor I loved him, and he thought I was joking. After I said I wasn’t, he basically dragged my love through the mud, insulted me, and rejected me.”

“No wonder you look so gutted, mate,” Velvette said sympathetically.

The drink arrived (as strong as Kitty could make it) and Vox tipped it back, not caring he’d already gotten drunk the previous night too. He relaxed, shoulders untensing a bit more as the wonderful alcohol coursed through his technological veins.

“Even I don’t drink this early, cariño ,” Val shook his head. “Did a single rejection really send you spiraling this far?”

“I- ugh.” Vox gagged down more of the clear liquid, embracing the burning in his throat. Maybe if he drank enough, he’d forget Alastor entirely.

“Vox, you have a meeting in two hours. You cannot be wasted.” Velvette snatched the drink out of his hands. “Kitty, a glass of water!”

“Vellllll,” Vox whined, flailing for her outstretched arm. Just the gulp he had already set the world to a pleasant buzz.

“You are Vox, Overlord and CEO of VoxTek. Act like it .” Vel grabbed his shoulders and shook them aggressively. “‘Trust us with your safeness’.”

Vox’s head slowly cleared as he blinked at Vel. “Trust us with your safety .”

“To-may-to, to-mah-to.” Velvette shrugged. “Anyroad, it’s right tragic to hear some old-timer’s opinion matters so much to you, but let’s hear someone else’s story now. Tino, how was your June 1st?”

“Wonderful. My studios ran LGBTQ+ specials, one of which involved a particularly spicy-”

“Not those details,” Velvette interrupted. “More like, personal life details?”

“My studio is my personal life,” Val recoiled in mock offense. “And fine, ratings went up 20% and profits are up 6.5%. This month is going to be maravilloso .”

“And I fucked an angel,” Velvette added.

Silence.

“You…what?” Vox asked, mind finally taken off Alastor. “...what?”

“Even you two dummies should know her. Head Exorcist Lute?” Velvette found a hot pic of Lute covered in blood over a decapitated sinner.  “Always so fun to corrupt Heaven’s highest.”

“The fuck? How did you even get up there?” Vox asked, because Hell would freeze over before Velvette made it through the Pearly Gates.

Velvette lounged back on the couch and gleefully explained how she used the VokTek mainframe to hack into Heaven’s servers (which were woefully weak and unprotected compared to Hell’s), accessing multiple phone numbers and prank calling them as a Pride Month gag. Most of the Exorcists she had called blocked her instantly, and the ones who didn’t blocked her at the texting stage. Even the Heavenly everyday folk, the ‘winners’ blocked her. But not one… none other than Head Exorcist Lute somehow didn’t block her at any point, her righteous ‘fury’ opening up a portal straight to Hell into Velvette’s room. Not to worry, Vel was still here and alive! And Lute was so hot, she just had to-

“And we can stop you there,” Vox put up a hand. “Jesus fucking Christ, both of you had wonderful days, didn’t you?”

“So great,” Vel agreed. “Sorry ‘bout that radio guy, or whatever. In my humble opinion, you shouldn’t be so hung up over that. I mean, you’re literally archenemies, what did you think was gonna happen, he’d invite you over for Voxflix and chill?”

“ Nuestro Vox, el eterno romántico sin esperanza. ” Valentino shook his head. “You still have all month, Voxxy. You should really move on.”

“You two don’t get it. You only understand lust and fucking around, not real love,” Vox shook his head.

The other two Vees stared at him for a second of confusion. Then they both burst out laughing. “Thanks, I needed that today,” Velvette howled. “iT’s rEaL lOvE!”

“Hate to burst your bubble, but there is no love in Hell. Crushes and ‘feelings’ are for those who want un apuñalado en su corazón ,” Val added. “I can’t believe you really think you ‘love’ Alastor.”

“You’re losing your touch, old man,” Velvette teased. “Is it the 1950s upbringing again?” She mocked a preacher, pressing her hands together in prayer. “Oh, I shall love but once!”

The two lost it again, falling backwards and cackling.

Vox just sighed, turning red nonetheless. He would get Alastor to love him back by the end of Pride Month, he vowed to himself. He would not move on. He was Vox, Overlord and CEO of VoxTek, influencer of the deepest recesses of Hell. If he wanted a sinner’s love, he would get it. Turning back to Velvette and Vox, there was a sharp new gleam in his eye. “Don’t worry about that, you guys. I’ll take care of it.”

meanwhile in Heaven

“So, danger tits, who was it last night?” Adam asked, slurping on his drink for the millionth time. “Hopefully not some angel down in the Chastity ring, ha! Uriel would shit himself!”

Lute almost choked, but managed to keep a straight face. “Uh, no, sir.” Velvette was a sinner, right? Those were confined to Hell’s Pride Ring, mirroring… “It was a winner, actually. From the Humility Ring, of course.”

“Ah, Humility. Fucking terrible place. I’ve been.” Adam kicked his legs over the railing-less platform. He and Lute hung out here often, on the balcony of his penthouse, just talking about their days or experiences. “The bitches there are not cool.”

Lute mentally sighed in relief as Adam inevitably got carried away on his tangent about the personalities of ‘bitches’ from each Ring of Heaven. What happened with Velvette was a secret that could stay buried-

Her phone rang. Since the only other person who had her number was yapping on about Diligence women beside her, Lute knew exactly who had called her and promptly declined the call.

Text to: Unknown Number

I am currently busy. Please do not call me back later, or ever again.

ok bae ill call you later then <3

“Who’s that?” Adam asked behind her.

Lute almost jumped a foot. “Fuckity fuck, Adam,” she snapped, shutting off her phone as fast as angelically possible. “Give a girl some warning, would you?”

“Is that the guy you fucked last night? From the Humility Ring?”

“Uh…yes.”

“And he called you? What, does he want another hookup or something?” Adam guffawed.

“Something like that.”

“Well, are you gonna say yes?”

“No,” Lute said very quickly. Adam’s golden eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Uh, what I mean to say is, he wasn’t very good. I-in bed. Very boring. N-not worth repeating.”

Adam’s suspicious stare remained for another second before evaporating with a shrug. “If ya say so, danger tits. Anyway, you got plans for tonight?”

Lute thought about it, but she really didn’t. “No, why-”

“Ha ha ha! Well, I do!” Adam burst into laughter.

Lute crossed her arms. “Bitch.”

“Whatever, man. We need to get you some friends, or maybe a hobby.” Adam took another slurp.

“I have a hobby. Practicing in the training room.”

“Nuh-uh, bitch. That’s not a hobby, that’s an obsession.”

The two continued lightly bickering as the sun set, enjoying themselves and the setting sun. Lute closed her eyes as its last rays washed over her face. This was nice. Even though Adam was a bitch, their friendship was strangely comforting. It had been decades, but she hoped there were decades more to come.

meanwhile at the Hazbin Hotel

Charlie’s newest ‘team bonding’ idea involved finding a partner and discussing their sexualities and love struggles as a way to build trust. “And uh,” she had said with a glance at Alastor. “If you don’t feel comfortable sharing that, just share about other relationships, like platonic ones.”

After drawing out of a hat, of course Alastor had to be paired with the most hypersexual entity in the entire hotel: Angel Dust. He sat down across from the spider and suppressed a sigh. “Why don’t you go first?”

“Nah, you should go first!” Angel offered with a grin. “Once I get started talking about sex, I’m not gonna stop until time’s up. Might as well give you a quick turn.”

“Really, I insist.”

Angel’s grin didn’t waver. “C’mon, old man, bet you have some interesting stories in there. Had a wife, or a husband up there when you were living?”

Alastor laughed in spite of himself. “No, never anything like that. I simply never…” he hesitated. “Got around to it.”

Angel raised an eyebrow. “Mhm. How old were you when you died?”

He saw no reason to lie. “Forty.”

“And in all your forty years, you never had a spouse?”

“Did you?” Times had changed, but he believed unwed people still existed through all stages of life.

“That’s different. I was busy doin’ drugs and partyin’. Plus, the Mafia.” Angel shrugged. “An’ even though I never married, I definitely fucked around a lot. Dated, too.”

“I was also busy with my own affairs, managing a radio show,” Alastor protested. Though he had never dated nor ‘fucked’, as Angel had put so vulgarly.

“Al, you ever think you’re, ya know-” Angel jerked his thumb to a random black-gray-white-purple flag nearby.

“Pardon me?” The conversation was rapidly falling into dangerous territory.

“Asexual?” Angel hinted.

“I am aware of the flag you are referring to, yes.” Deflect, deflect, deflect.

“Oh my fucking god, Alastor, don’tcha think you’re aroace?” Angel finally blurted out.

One would’ve described Alastor’s freezing as ‘a deer in headlights’, but he preferred to think of it as ‘thoughtfully pondering the question’. “Even if I did, my private life would be none of your business.”

“Right. Yeah. But like…”

“I will rephrase.” Alastor’s head swung to a precarious sideways angle. “My private life is none of your business.”

“Jeez, chill. This entire discussion is supposed ta be about-” Angel broke off. “Never mind. I’ll just take my turn.”

The air returned to normal. “Please do. So, you mentioned dating?”

The activity ended blissfully soon, and Alastor slid into the shadows, reappearing in his room. Well, that was horror beyond the Seven Rings of Hell. He’d take a nice torture any day. But as the silence drew on, curiosity killed the fawn.

Finally giving into temptation, Alastor brought out his extremely old Nokia flip phone and booted up the internet, humming an old song to calm himself. Then he keyed in ‘asexual’ and waited.

‘ People who identify as asexual experience little or no sexual attraction to others’ . Hmmm. Well, he just hadn’t met the right person! Of course he wouldn’t be sexually attracted to every conventionally attractive person he saw on the street.

Hmph. He had been an Overlord for decades and was a feared and respected demon. He didn’t need a stupid ‘Pride Month’ and encounter from Vox to throw off his entire identity. Alastor would be just fine with or without labels. Yes.

Everything was going to be just fine.

Then the VoxTek drone clinked against his window.

meanwhile at asmodeus’s tower

“I love this month,” Ozzie grinned at Fizz. “We make so much off LGBTQ+ specials; the newest rainbow line is just flying off the shelves!”

Fizz giggled. “Yeah, I bet. Hey, I wonder what the other rings are doing.”

“Maybe I should give Pride a visit,” Ozzie hummed, making coffee. “Always nice to see what Lucie is up to.”

“Probably moping and making ducks,” Fizz said, and they both cackled. “Seriously though, it'd be cool to give Pride a visit. You wanna go?”

“Why not?” Ozzie shrugged.

“Hang on, I know a friend of a friend who would love to meet you,” Fizz piped in. “Just give me a second to make calls.”

Ozzie nodded. “Take all the time you need, Froggie.”

meanwhile at goetia manor

Blitzo opened his eyes and immediately closed them again. Fuckity fuck fuck. Another peep at the person sleeping peacefully beside him confirmed his sad reality: He'd gone over to Stolas’s last night and shit had happened.

He had to leave before Stolas woke- his phone rang loudly. Ack, ack, ack. Accepting the call, he practically ran to the hallway. “Hello?” he whispered.

“HEY, BLITZ!” Fizz’s raspy voice chirped loudly in his ear. “Happy Pride!!”

“Would you shush?” Blitz glanced back. Stolas: still asleep.

“Oh, sorry! Didn't know you were still in the owl's bed-”

“Am not!” Blitzo hissed, face burning. “So did you just call me to tease about Stolas, or do you have an actual point?”

“Well, that too, but ya know it's Pride Month?”

“No, I'm actually completely unaware of months changing. No shit, I fucking know it's June!”

Fizz just giggled. “Me and Ozzie are thinkin’ of visiting the Pride Ring!”

“Oh, nice.”

“And ya know your friend slash ex, the porn actor? He would loveee Ozzie.”

“... Angel Dust?” Blitz blinked. “Wait, how do you-”

“He's actually gotten #1 on Lust’s trending videos, which is really high for a sinner! And since Ozzie and I are visiting, I thought maybe we could do a lil lunch somewhere, the four of us!”

This was actually not a bad idea. “Sure, why not?”

“Blitzyy? Are you talking to someone?” A quiet voice cooed behind him.

“Ah, shit, I gotta go. Call you back later!” Blitzo hurriedly hung up. “Heyyyy, Stolas. I was just uh, y’know, uh-” he gestured to the hallway. 

“Leaving? At least take some breakfast with you!” Stolas smiled. “Or maybe you'd like to stay for lunch, too?”

“I really… gotta… I have a lunch with some friends,” Blitzo said lamely. Technically, he did, so…

“Oh, okay! Well then, I'll see you next time!” Stolas smiled so sweetly Blitzo almost felt bad.

“Uh, yeah. Bye,” he mumbled, grabbing his coat and boots on the way out. Then on the way to his van, he checked his phone. Loona had gotten home safely last night from her party. Good.

He shot Angel Dust a text: hey angie its ben a wile ! how wod u feel abut lunhc w my freinds + call me wen u c this

Then he got into the van and began the drive to IMP headquarters. Halfway there, his phone rang. Caller id: Angel Dust.

Blitzo brightened. “Angie! Hey!”

“Hi!” Angel replied. “I saw your text, I'm totally down for a lunch date. I mean, ya know what I mean. (We’re not getting back together). Who are your friends?”

“Uh…” Blitzo tried to put this in the normalest way possible. “Fizzarolli… you might've heard of him, he's a clown, some popular merch across the Rings-”

“Hmm, oh right! Val has a Robo-Fizz. Kitty, or something. Damn, you really know the original Fizz?”

Blitz laughed. “Yeah, we grew up in the same circus.”

“Cool, I'd love to meet him!”

“And his boyfriend.” Blitzo then said as casually as possible. “Asmodeus.”

“...” Static crackled. Finally, a lot less emotionally: “The Deadly Sin?”

“Um, yes, him. He goes by Ozzie. He's really nice, sin of Lust and all that, I think you two would really get along!”

meanwhile at the hazbin hotel

Oh, no, no, no. Angel Dust already knew the Overlord of Lust and he didn't even believe in consent. Fizzarolli, that was fine. But a fucking Deadly Sin was where he drew the line. “Hmm, maybe not, Blitzo,” he said carefully. “I don't know if we would really… click.”

“You'll be fine! I'll text you the details!” Blitzo said on the other end, a touch crestfallen.

Angel didn't want to disappoint his friend, but Valentino had a literal mini-altar to Asmodeus. “Uh-”

Blitzo hung up and a few minutes later, place and time details pinged through. Angel put his phone down and sat back with a sigh, eyeing his closet. Might as well look presentable.

When they were both younger and freer, Angel Dust, then just a small star and Blitzo, just free of the circus and trying to make his own business, they'd met at a club with too many drugs.

Of course they'd been smitten, two chaotic souls shooting their way through alleys every day and fucking their way through each other every night.

They had each others’ backs and the sex was fantastic with a capital F. But of course, all good things come to an end.

One night, Blitzo had gone to steal some book or other for his newest business idea, and he wasn't home that night. Angel waited. And waited.

And then those were the six months in which his ten thousand views per video skyrocketed into the millions .

Angel and Blitzo had never pretended they were exclusive, and now it was even more obvious when Blitzo came home in the mornings with owl feathers in his hair and later at night with bloodstains from his business, and when neither of them had the energy to do the one thing they were good at.

Over time, their jobs became more demanding, and one day Val forced Angel to move in with him, and Blitzo didn't object nearly as much as he should've, and the relationship strained and then broke.

They didn't talk for a few years.

Then Angel had found the Hazbin Hotel and Charlie’s encouragement to reconnect and fix loose ends. And he called Blitzo, whose job was now stable. Blitzo had employees now, and an office.

They talked and agreed they were just friends now, and that seemed to work out. They texted and called often, everything was fine, they even met up once a month or two to talk in person. Angel genuinely enjoyed Blitzo’s company.

And now, he was going to meet the fucking Sin of Lust. Angel sighed, examining himself in his sixth outfit. Too much leather for a casual brunch, right?

Ugh. Taking out his phone, he flopped back on his bed and started Voogling Asmodeus. Him going by ‘Ozzie’ was apparently true due to his club of the same name, and he indeed ran a successful sex toy business. Val definitely bought some of those.

Oh, an interview about sex. Angel clicked on it, hoping he wouldn't be traumatized. “Mr. Asmodeus, are you going to sell love potions?” A reporter yelled.

Angel winced. He knew all about those.

Surprisingly, the Sin shook his head firmly. “Part of Lust is the art. Faking it by forcing performers to use drugs is not acceptable by my standards.”

Now that was intriguing. “Huh,” Angel blinked, pausing the video. Another timestamp on safewords and consent: “Consent is key to healthy sex, and without safewords or the ability to tap out at any time, there is no consent.”

Well, damn. Angel laughed out loud. Valentino would have a fucking fit if he ever bothered to research his ‘idol’.

Maybe this lunch wouldn't be so bad.

Chapter Text

meanwhile at alastor’s radio tower

Alastor stared at the VoxTek drone in distaste, flicking his wrist to have a shadow dispatch it. Really, it should be obvious to his electric-headed rival to keep out of his territory by now.

The drone was replaced by another one, this one projecting Vox’s face. “Alastor-”

The shadow returned to hit it down.

Another drone: “Could you stop-”

It clinked to the ground. Alastor smiled. This was quite fun. He decidedly did not think about asexuality, Vox’s stupid little feelings, or Vox at all in general. This was just a professional Overlord courtesy of keeping others out of his territory.

“Can you stop for a second and talk to me, for fuck’s sake!” The steep learning curve was finally crested as Vox piloted the drone around grabby tentacles. “Alastor! I know you can hear me!”

Pity, there went another drone. How many did Vox have?

“I have no obligation for conversation!” he mouthed back idly, knowing full well the cameras would be able to pick it up and transcribe it back to Vox.

But now he had actually spoken, so of course the compulsive need to fix things out overrode his mouth into another sentence. “What more is there to say, Vox? I’ve made it very clear I do not return your romantic affections-”

“Why not?” The tentacles had stopped trying to strike down the drone; the drone had stopped moving and hovered in the air.

“What do you mean, why not? I simply don’t.”

“No, you haven’t even given me- or anyone, for that matter, in all the years I’ve known you- a chance! You just push people away because ‘they’re not the right one’ without ever trying!”

The space inside and outside the radio tower glass had gone silent. Too silent.

meanwhile at v tower

Vox realized his mistake and hastily restarted the drone’s little engines, veering it left a second too late. A massive shadow tentacle, its circumference wider than Alastor’s entire body, surged from the ground far below to shatter the drone.

“Fuck!” Vox swore loudly, adding on a few (dozen) more choice words. He had fucked up again. A replacement drone hovering a few hundred feet away zoomed in on Alastor’s radio-dialed eyes.

Well, fine. If Alastor wasn’t going to let Vox in, he would force his way in. After all, he was in Hell for a reason.

Vincent had been born in an extremely devout Catholic family. He was raised on the Bible, fed its pages, given the blood of Jesus to drink. And while he respected the religion and all, he always knew there was more to it than just the praise of our Father in Heaven.

He watched every night, entranced, as his father spellbound hundreds with words, his hands drawing an invisible picture in the air that caught the audience’s breath in their throats. Vincent watched his father’s loud, angry voice startle the people, his smooth, calm voice lull them, his low whispers spread fear.

And he knew that no weapon on Earth was half as powerful as Voice itself.

Vincent grew, and by sixteen, he could’ve snuck out of the church and ran away with the girl down the road (or her brother) to another city, changing his name. He was intelligent, and it was all too easy.

But he didn’t, because the Church gave him an audience.

He became a pastor, a preacher like his father and his father’s father before that, hypnotizing masses effortlessly even before his hell-granted demonic eye.

Vincent also found the new inventions in technology quite fascinating, and easily persuaded the church’s officials (all in the palm of his hand by this time, his twenties or thirties) to install televisions. “To play some wonderful songs!” or “Watch a good Catholic movie!”

The older ones turned their noses up and turned away before Vincent would be by their sides with a charming smile, an ad for a soap opera, and some compliments about Betsy’s “lovely biscuits last week, how did you possibly cook them so perfectly?”

The younger ones were enamored too.

Then Vox began to hear of this term, ‘televangelist’, in which you could ask for money, in exchange for God! He’d almost laughed out loud. Didn’t the indulgences in the Middle Ages cause mass distrust of the Church?

But his voice was so good, and so persuasive, and people were practically throwing money at him in exchange for Holy love (which was supposed to be free, anyway).

He was a millionaire in today’s equivalent, hell, a millionaire in general! He bought a nice mansion (all the better to reach God with), a nice car (all the better to travel with God), nice things in general.

Things fell a little downhill when his father caught him with his then-boyfriend, which was definitely not supposed to happen. His father’s old wrinkles had turned red, then his spit had started flying as he prattled on about blasphemy, heresy, something else.

Vincent had listened with some amusement at the old man clearly past his prime, someone he’d looked up to once but drifted away from during the televangelist times, and when his father was done, he leaned in real close with that electric voice of his. He said very little, but by the time he was finished, his father had gone completely still, frame rigid.

Before the ranting could begin again, Vincent lazily pulled out a gun and shot him in the head. Before the boyfriend could scream, (boyfriend? It was really more of a friend with benefits) Vincent shot him too.

Then he dumped the bodies in a river, showered, and went to his next money stealing party (sorry, charity gala).

That was supposed to be the end of it, but then someone found the bodies! And technology was great, but not when they ‘fingerprinted’ him, and then some snoopy journalist or other started investigating his ‘fraud’ (hello? It was for GOD)(ok not really)

In the end, Vincent was at his final broadcast, wrapping up after set when the sirens blazed. The church people, faithful to the end, offered to hide him, but he knew a life of running wasn’t worth it and told them he would be going to meet God now.

They understood, and let him out the back door, where he walked into the woods and thought for a long time. Then when he saw the police flashlight, there was a click, a bang, and a thud.

Blood splattered over the autumn leaves, and a startled deer nearby raced into the trees.

Vox spun around in his chair and the corners of his mouth pulled up, into something less charming-smile than vicious-smile. People got him wrong all the time. He wasn’t a soft boy, a crying child.

He had put a gun to his father’s head and pulled the trigger, buried the body. Hell, he’d done it to himself. He had the courage and the charm and the cleverness to pull everything he wanted in life off.

Charming Alastor over was just another goal, and Vincent Populi never failed to reach his goals. 

Chapter Text

meanwhile in v tower

Velvette scrolled through Sinsta in her daily five-hour session, giggling at the occasional funny post and bookmarking the occasional fashion inspiration. Every once in a while, her eyes drifted to the pinboard filled with pictures of Lute, Lute, her Lute.

Okay, maybe she was a little down bad for the Exorcist. But who could bloody blame a girl after seeing the angel come straight (haha) down from Heaven and destroying a hundred sinners?

With a little giggle, she opened her messages.

Text to: hot angel

hii baby im all alone for the night, vee n val went out

After a few minutes (ugh, so long!) she got a reply. I don’t care.

well ya should ;)

Well, I don’t.

meanwhile in heaven

Lute glared at her phone. Okay, so maybe she didn’t have any plans either, but who cared?? Most people probably didn’t have any plans all the time, right? Right?

At least the sinner didn’t reply after that- right on cue, Lute’s phone beeped with another text. Too lazy to unlock it, she glanced at the home screen. Attachment: 1 Image

Ugh, really? She lazily brought up the phone to scan her face and auto-unlock- SHIT SHIT SHIT- Lute almost dropped her phone, going scarlet instantly as a very suggestive picture of Velvette popped fullscreen.

Her fingers were not moving to the delete button fast enough as they accidentally knocked into save . No, no, no- oh God. Lute groaned in shame, trying to avoid staring too long at Velvette’s long, beautiful legs- oh my fucking God oh my fucking God.

She was NOT gay!!! Probably…!!

i see u saved the pic baby <3 u like it?

THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT! Lute typed quicker than she ever had in her life. I DID NOT MEAN TO!

that’s what they all say

I REALLY DID NOT! I AM DELETING IT NOW!

does that mean there’s no chance for a return pic bbg

No, absolutely not, and what does bbg mean?

babygirl

Don’t call me that.

you’re cute when you’re stupid, bbg stands for babygirl

It was hot in here. It was too hot. Lute fanned her face, but her thoughts were already invaded with Velvette. No. She was not going to-

“You really need to control your emotions better, babygirl,” chided Velvette’s ridiculously hot British accent from beside her.

Lute immediately realized she’d created a portal again and started closing it without turning, the golden circle reducing as fast as she could make it. She would block Velvette, she swore to herself.

“Wait up, don’t just leave me hanging!”

Lute turned just in time to see Velvette execute a perfect dive through the portal, which nearly sliced off the end of her dress as it closed.

“Damn, your place is nice . What is this, penthouse?” Velvette whistled as she checked out the view (of Heaven, not Lute).

“Uh-” Lute was trying to yell at Velvette to leave, but instead what came out of her mouth was, “No, Adam has the penthouse. This is the second highest floor.”

“Oh, nice. Your room is cool, too.” Velvette examined her perfectly made bed and wall of Extermination trophies.

“Um, thank you.” Lute began to try to re-open the portal. “Well, you should get going now-”

“I’m not going anywhere, baby,” Velvette crawled onto her bed, over Lute.

Lute turned red, half-made portal crumbling in

“ Did you like the picture, though?” Velvette purred, hands on either side of Lute’s head and legs straddling Lute’s hips. “I could show you a live version.”

Lute was reduced to stammers. “I- you-

Velvette shut her up by pressing her lips to hers.

meanwhile in alastor’s radio tower

Alastor’s shadow, far larger than it should’ve been, flashed around the walls of his radio tower as he sat immobile in his chair, keeping his eternal smile up.

“No, you haven’t even given me- or anyone, for that matter, in all the years I’ve known you- a chance! You just push people away because ‘they’re not the right one’ without ever trying!”

That... wasn’t true. They just weren’t the right ones. Like that one sinner, or that other one, or the other one, or- oh dear. Well, he’d know if he found the right one! Really, he would!

Would you, though? whispered a mocking little voice inside him. What would you detect about the person?

Well, we’d- we’d get along perfectly, like two puzzle pieces neatly together, we’d- Alastor sighed deeply and pulled out his phone again. How to tell if someone is…right for you.

He was instantly bombarded with millions of pieces of advice. They feel like the perfect puzzle piece completing you. You get along very well, you could talk to each other for days and not get bored. Then there was the other side. You’ll never know. If you love them, you have to take the risk.

Alastor kept scrolling. They tell you they love you. They-

This was starting to sound suspiciously familiar. Stupid internet and its stupid workings. He put the phone down and refused to interact with it further.

People who identify as asexual experience little or no sexual attraction to others.

Stupid internet and its stupid workings.

Alastor tried in vain to empty his brain of these stupid thoughts, but it kept criticizing him. It didn’t even make sense. Oh, he was really head over heels for Vox yet also a complete dumbass who didn’t realize he was asexual? How contradictory.

A nice broadcast would make him feel much better. Yes. Alastor started to rise from his chair when his shadow gleefully swiped up the unattended phone and showed him a result.

“What is it, my dear shadow?” Alastor peered at it through his monocle.

aromantic vs asexual

“Those terms are just new fads invented by the youth! They feel the need to label every sort of attraction whatsoever. Honestly, I am perfectly normal and not applicable-”

The shadow shook its head insistently, and although it couldn’t speak aloud, it could communicate with Alastor telepathically.

“What?” Alastor tried for a slight head tilt, head swinging down at a perfect ninety degree angle. “You think I’m homosexual? No? Asexual? Well then, why would you say- what does that even mean? You’re being simply ridiculous.”

The shadow crossed its arms. Alastor pettily crossed his own arms right back. “Oh, is romantic and sexual attraction different now?” Even as he rebuked a literal mirror of himself, a little trickle of doubt found its way into his brain.

Depravity of the coital kind had always repulsed him, and the ‘asexual’ label was steadily entrenching itself into his identity, but now his shadow dared to suggest his ‘romantic’ attraction?

And to Vox, that was just, well, idiotic.

He wasn’t-

Alastor stole another glance at his shadow. This entire conversation was absurd. He had been in Hell for nearly a century, and sexuality crises were for confused children! Probably. Maybe.

The Radio Demon gritted his teeth. Yup, definitely time for another broadcast.

meanwhile at a restaurant in the pride ring

“Angie!” Blitzø grinned when he spotted the lanky spider sinner. He, Fizzarolli, and Asmodeus were sitting in a nice little downtown Pride restaurant (as long as you knew which orders to avoid). “Long time no fuck!”

Fizz snorted. 

“Blitz!” Angel walked over and hugged him. “It's been a while!”

“I still can't believe you dated the Angel Dust,” Fizz shook his head as Angel sat down. “Way above your league, Blitz.”

“Fuck off,” Blitz replied good-naturedly. “You're the one with a Deadly Sin.”

“So you admit Angel’s above your league?”

Blitz took a few punches at Fizz, which he dodged with his raspy laugh. “Ha ha ha!” Then he turned to Angel Dust. “I am a huge fan of your work, by the way, performer to performer.”

“Thanks! You’re Fizzarolli, right? I love your shows as well,” Angel said.

Blitzo was beginning to get the impression he was the least important person at the table. “Any ways -”

“And this must be Lord Asmodeus! It’s really a pleasure to meet you,” Angel shook the Sin’s hand. “My boss is a big fan.”

“The pleasure is all mine,” Asmodeus rumbled. “Please, call me Ozzie. Your boss… Overlord Valentino?”

Angel blinked. Was Val that famous? “Um, yes. He has like, a shrine to you.”

Ozzie’s nose wrinkled. “I’ve heard about that moth’s business methods. They don’t strike me as the true spirit of Lust, but the Pride Ring is Lucifer’s business so I can’t do anything about it.”

“Oh.” Angel was starting to like this guy.

“Anyway, Fizz,” Blitz said, then launched into a story of his latest hilarious commission.

The entire table was laughing by the end.

Soon the conversation moved to relationships, and Asmodeus and Fizz definitely won in that area. Blitz moped about Stolas a lot and Angel simply said he didn’t date anymore, no time for things outside his job. He didn’t really want to think about Val right now.

“Speaking of dates, I had an idea I’ll propose to Lucie when I see him,” Asmodeus eventually mentioned. “A high-end Masked Banquet, in honor of Pride Month.”

“Uh, that might work in the lower Rings, but us sinners are a complete mess,” Angel grinned. “I dunno if it’ll go three minutes without being destroyed completely.”

“It’ll be in a protected venue,” Asmodeus reassured him. “And definitely only extending to higher-ranked sinners, such as Overlords. Not any person can walk off the street here. We’re talking dresses, suits, maybe an orchestra.”

“Am I invited?” Blitz asked hopefully.

“If you behave ,” Fizz said sternly. “And since Ozzie’s hosting it after all, you’ll need a date to get in. No date, no entry.”

“If it’s for the higher-ups in Hell anyway, just take the owl,” Angel suggested. “You can fix your fucking awful situationship.”

“Yeah… or make it a thousand times worse,” Blitz looked away. “Listen, do I really need a date? Can’t I find one there?”

“That’s not how it works. Everyone’s gonna already have a date,” Fizz chided. “Just go with Stolas. You’ll be fine.”

Blitz plunked his head on the table and let out a long-suffering sigh. “Yeah, I’ll think about it,” he said in the tone that meant I’ve already thought about it, the answer is no, but I wanna go and support my buddy Fizz and also fuck someone, but not Stolas, I mean I would fuck Stolas but inviting him to a ball is probably not a good idea-

The conversation drifted on and lunch was over before Angel even noticed. “You guys are really fun. We should do this more often.”

“We’ve all got packed schedules, but yeah, we should,” Ozzie was adding when Angel’s phone rang.

Fuckity fuck, Valentino- Angel scrambled away from the table with a mumbled excuse and picked up. “ Hey Val, I’m kinda busy right-

“I don’t give a fuck if you’re half-dead, you’re coming into the studio now because I decided to start a shoot. Be here in five or you’re working all night.” Val hung up.

Angel sighed. “Sorry guys, I gotta go,” he said, already picking up his things. “Work.”

“One of these days, I’ll give Valentino a talking-to about his work methods,” Asmodeus growled, fire turning a fresh shade of blue.

“But for now, I’m gonna go to work,” Angel said, really not wanting the Charlie incident to repeat. “ Ciao .”

—

Angel had just one foot over the doorway when Val was already on him, hissing. “You’re late .”

He checked the clock. “Aw, only by a minute-” He’d run the entire way there, grateful the restaurant was only a couple blocks from the studio. “I’m sorry! Val- no-”

Val threw him to the ground, crossing his arms. “You have a minute to get changed. We’re already waiting to start the shoot.”

“I can’t change in a minute-”

“You’re going to take it off anyway, it does not fucking matter,” Val turned and sat in his director’s chair boredly. “Fifty-nine, fifty-eight-”

Angel hurried into the dressing room.

—

Val was squinting at his phone during the scene, and when there was a break he approached Angel and showed it to him. A social media picture of Asmodeus and Fizz at the restaurant during lunch, with Angel and Blitz fortunately being obscured. “Did you know Asmodeus, as in the Deadly Sin of Lust, is IN THE PRIDE RING??”

“That’s great,” Angel said as happily as he could manage. “I wonder what he’s planning.”

“Well, his social media just sent an invite out for a Masked Banquet in honor of Pride Month!” Val grinned. “And all Overlords and Sins are invited, though it seems bringing a plus-one is necessary.”

Angel stifled a flinch. “Oh-”

“Now, I wouldn’t want to go all alone, it simply won’t be. And Vox is such a fucking bitch, always has shit to do or a company meeting, he’ll probably weasel his way out of this somehow. Angelcakes, you following my train of thought?”

“You want…me, to be your plus-one?” Angel said, heart already sinking as he predicted the answer.

“Bingo!” Val grinned, showing all his teeth. “I mean, I’m not really asking.”

“Uh-” Angel lied quickly, desperately. “Uh, I already have a date.”

Val rolled his eyes. “Who the fuck would go with you? If it’s a client, make sure they’re paying.”

“O-okay,” Angel nodded. Technically , he had never said it was a client. He only agreed to make sure a client was paying if he was bringing a client. And he would not be bringing a client. So he wasn’t really lying.

Val opened his mouth again, but one of the staff called his name and started explaining some technical details, so he went over. Angel exhaled slowly, realizing he hadn’t even thought about the Banquet after Asmodeus had brought it up.

Truthfully, he’d like to go, being all dressed up for once instead of wearing far too little, but Val was right. Who would go with him? Probably nobody.

There was a certain grumpy bartender at the Hotel he could ask-

Angel immediately shoved those thoughts aside. Husk had already made it clear he was not reciprocating any of Angel’s flirting, and asking him to a banquet was literally the last thing Angel should do.

Right?

Okay, but if he said yes-

Angel sighed as he walked back to the set. He didn’t have enough mental energy to prepare himself for a rejection. Better to just ask some random sinner. Maybe he should take a client, make some money off it or just leave them in a corner.

Ugh.

Chapter Text

meanwhile in lute’s apartment

This time, Velvette woke up disoriented. This was not her bed. One glance beside her confirmed it. This was Lute’s bed. She was literally in Heaven. (Explained why there weren’t constant screams of agony).

Velvette yawned. Lute looked so cute while she slept. She decided to go back to sleep, hugging Lute.

Unfortunately, Lute woke up. “Ah! Why are you here?” she scrambled backwards until the mental puzzle pieces clicked. “Oh, fuck.”

“There’s no way you’re still in the closet right now,” Velvette said. “Also, your morning voice is adorable.”

Lute flushed. “I- you- ugh, what does that even mean?”

“What, your morning voice?”

“No, the closet thing-”

“Oh. Like, you’re literally gay and you don’t even realize it. You literally have fucked me twice at this point. There is no way you’re not gay.” Velvette checked her phone. It hadn’t charged overnight. Bloody hell.

“I’m not!” Lute protested. Oh. Maybe I am. But nobody needs to know that. Especially not Adam or Sera. Nobody.

“Sure,” Velvette said, refreshing social media on her paltry 23%. “Oh, I’ve also been meaning to ask you: wanna go to Asmodeus’s Masked Banquet with me?”

“Asmodeus, as in the Deadly Sin of Lust ?”

“Oi, lighten up. It’s not like he’s gonna fuck everyone at the ball. It’s going to be a fun event! We can dress up and dance and-”

“It’s a Hell event. I’m from Heaven. I can’t and won’t attend your filthy, depraved little masquerades-”

“Pleaseeee,” Velvette pouted, puppy-eyes emoji appearing over her face. “It’s going to be masked, nobody will know anyone else’s identity! Please please please please please?”

“But it’s sin,” Lute protested too quietly. “Fine, fine I’ll go with you.” Maybe the sinner was starting to grow on her a little. Just a little. “Send me the details or whatever.”

“Eeee thank you so much!” Velvette squealed and hugged Lute. “We are totally going to get ready together. It is so sad I can’t post you on social media. We need to get ready together when it’s the day of. I have the perfect matching dresses for us- or suits, if you want- and our makeup is going to be soo perfect. It’s going to be-”

“Okay, okay, calm down,” Lute said, warm smile rising. She patted Velvette. “I’m excited, too.”

Velvette beamed back at her, and Lute felt a sense of rightness that she hadn’t found in Heaven for a long time, her mind swinging once again from denial to absolute faith in their relationship.

Then a knock sounded at her door. Lute’s eyes widened. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, um, hide!” She shoved Velvette under the covers, kicked her boots on, and ran to the door, hoping it was just mail or something.

“Heyyy, Danger Tits!” Adam sauntered in like he owned the place.

“Adam!” Lute squeaked, automatically moving in front of her bedroom door (luckily he was headed to the living room). “Uhhh, now is not really a good time!”

“Why not?” Adam plopped himself on the couch.

Uh… uh… “I just woke up! I need to, uh, get presentable and stuff.” Lute slid backward. “Give me ten minutes, yeah? Don’t. Move.”

Then she promptly ran inside her room and locked the door. “Psst. Velvette! Adam is here. He just let himself in. I’ll portal you out, right now. Put the rest of your clothes on.”

“Oh, are we going public?” Velvette teased.

“No! Seriously, no,” Lute said, lowering her voice. “He is the straightest human being to live. He is literally going to kill me and make me a fallen angel. You need to leave.”

“It can’t be that big of a deal. Are there not LGBTQ+ people in Heaven?”

“Well, there are, but- ugh.” Lute sighed and managed to keep her composure long enough to open a portal to V Tower. “Just go. You have my number.”

“If you say so,” Velvette shrugged. “Byeee, babe!”

“Keep your voice down!” Lute hissed, reaching to close the portal when she noticed two other sinners in the V Tower lounge. “Fuck-” she promptly closed it. Hopefully those were Velvette’s friends, the ‘Vees’ or something. Right? Whatever. People in Hell were generally more tolerant.

Speaking of tolerance… Adam was still happily munching away at something in the living room. Lute had exactly one guess to what he was eating, for the millionth time. She fixed herself up, then took a deep breath and walked back to the living room.

“She finally graces us with her presence,” Adam cackled, taking another bite. “How did you just wake up? It’s fucking 11am.”

Lute checked her phone. It was in fact 11. “It’s a long story.”

Adam squinted at her. “Did you hook up with that ‘one-time’ guy again? You look like you have. There’s a certain morning-after look-”

“I don’t wanna know!” Lute said loudly. “So, do you actually need something, or are you just here to bother me?”

“I’m actually here to remind you that today is initiation day for the new Exorcists!” Adam said. “Y’know I’m supposed to be the boss and all that, except I have no idea what to fucking do. Can you, I dunno, make a training plan or something? Thanks!”

“Adam, you cannot just give me all the responsibility. You are supposed to plan for this!”

“Awww, c’mon, bitch!”

“I will help you make a lesson plan,” Lute finally compromised. “But you need to put in equal effort.”

“Whatever.”

“You say…?”

“Thank youuuu,” Adam drawled, not looking grateful at all. “Okay, so I’m thinking we start with…”

meanwhile at the hazbin hotel

“Uncle Ozzie invited us all to the Masked Banquet!” Charlie announced to the Hazbin Hotel residents. “It’s going to be held soon, and it’s couples only for entry, so pair up! It’s in honor of Pride Month and the attire will be super formal, with masks, of course. There will be enchantments so you can’t tell who the wearers of the masks are!”

“That sounds ssssplendid!” Sir Pentious said, with a hopeful glance at Cherri. “Don’t you think so… Miss Cherri Bomb?”

“Uh, whatever,” Cherri said. “I’m just here to pick Angel up ‘cause we’re going clubbing later, but-”

“Miss…. Cherri Bomb?” Pentious was suddenly in front of her with hopeful eyes. “Will you… attend the Massssquerade with me?”

“Um,” Cherri said, looking him up and down. “Why?”

“Because…I’m going with everybody!” Sir Pentiosu stammered, then immediately slithered to the corner, rolled into a ball, and buried his head in his scaly lap out of embarrassment.

Cherri rolled her eyes, but affectionately. “There might be some hope for you yet, snake. Angie! Hurry up, wouldja?”

“Uh, gimme a sec!” Angel called back, then cautiously approached the bar. “Hey, kitty.”

Husk let out a long-suffering sigh. “What.”

“Ya wanna, um-” Angel cast another glance at Vaggie and Charlie, who were now hugging and jumping together. “Ya wanna go to the Masked Banquet with me?”

Husk blinked. Twice. “Huh?”

“I said, ya wanna-”

“No, I heard you.”

Angel waited hopefully.

“You want me to go with you?” Husk snorted. “In Cherri’s words, ‘Um, why?’”

“Because you can’t resist my gorgeous personality?” Angel tried for an unbothered smirk.

“Evidently, I can.”

“W-huh?”

“That’s a no, Angel.”

“But-” Angel cut himself off. Of course Husk didn’t wanna go with him. Nobody wanted to go with him. He was damaged goods. Maybe he should just go with Val. Val broke him, and now he was the only person that would accept-

“Hey, kid.” Husk grabbed Angel’s shoulders. “You’re overthinking. Stop it.”

But you- and I- Angel set the upcoming night of partying and drugs in the forefront of his mind and fixed on a sleazy smile. “Aww, you care about me, Husker?” One of his hands played with Husk’s.

Husk dropped his hands, scowling. “Whatever. Just keep yourself safe tonight, yeah?”

“Anything for you,” Angel winked, then hurriedly ran after Cherri Bomb, who had decided to leave already. “Fuck, wait! Cherri!”

Husk watched him leave, crossing his arms. Him , go with Angel Dust. Ridiculous. Angel was all this crazy in a bottle, this chaotic everything, this golden retriever guy with a whole life, and there was just Husk, the fallen Overlord on a leash doing nothing but polishing wine glasses all day and drinking. Why would Angel ever want to go with him? He was probably just joking, doing a prank for Cherri Bomb and his other equally crazy hotel residents. He wouldn’t actually want Husk, in any world.

Husk’s attention then turned to Charlie and Vaggie, who were now excitedly (well, one of them at least, the other listening supportively) about matching outfits and color schemes. They had a real nice relationship. That twinge in the back of his mind… was it jealousy? No. It couldn’t- nobody loved him like that.

Did he want them to? Sometimes.

But again, a fallen Overlord on a leash and bound to a hotel bar had limited choices. He would take what he was handed in life, dammit, work his way back up. He’d done it once, he could do it again. He just needed to wait and work, not waste his time on… romance nobody would give him.

Romance nobody would ever give him.

meanwhile at some random back-end hell club

Angel wiped his eyes again as he and Cherri ran, jumping off rooftops, fire escapes, and balconies on their way to the club. It was just the speed and wind pulling tears to his eyes, obviously.

You want me to go with you ? In Cherri’s words, ‘Um, why?’

Husk’s words echoed in his head again. Of course Husk didn’t want to go with him. Husk had seen his lows and knew he was a fucked up whore, a drugged addict and nothing more. Why would he even want to ask Husk? Why would he want to ruin Husk’s reputation and drag him down to his own level? Angel Dust was broken, damaged, not for sale, put in the back room.

Romance wasn’t something he deserved, let alone would ever receive.

It was a good thing him and Cherri were going to the club, Angel thought with renewed vigor, pumping his legs harder.

“Woah, slow down there! Don’t waste all your energy before we get to the club!” Cherri called, trying to catch up behind him. “Christ, that was, like, a fifteen-foot jump.” Angel stopped for a moment, letting her bounce off two clotheslines to him. “Hey, you okay-?”

He pushed her questioning hand away. “Yeah, let’s just get to the club, huh?”

Cherri knew his boundaries and didn’t push them. “Yeah, sure. Let’s go get fucked up! Wooo!” And with that, she was jumping on ahead again, forcing him to stop overthinking and switch his gear to running up to her again.

They arrived at the club and immediately got some drugs under the flashing lights. Angel relaxed as everything went hazy again. He and Cherri went up to the counter to order drinks, but the bartender slid some their way. “That guy down there ordered ya some,” they explained. “Said you were hot, or something.”

Cherri and Angel exchanged glances. Angel asked, “Uh, which one of us-”

“Oh. You.” The bartender pointed at Angel, then slithered down the bar to attend to another customer.

“Well, go get ‘em,” Cherri grinned at him through the deafening music and Angel nodded to her as he spun around, hopped off his chair and went to go find the guy.

Through throng of partyers and haze of drug, Angel squinted at the guy who’d ordered him a drink. Was that- “Angel! Hey!” Blitzo said, sheepishly. “So, I know what you said yesterday, but like, hear me out.”

Angel sighed. “Hear you out on what? I already have a bad feeling about-”

“Soooo, ya heard about the Masked Banquet, right?”

“That is the last fucking thing I want to hear about right now-” Angel said, the drugs coaxing his inner thoughts out without a single filter. “Fuck, Blitzo, this better be-”

“Yeah, yeah, got rejected or something?” Blitzo tugged Angel down to the couch, taking a long gulp of his drink. “Whatever. Makes my idea better. So, y’know how I was telling ya about Stolas?”

“Uh, yeah?” Angel scanned the others at the club and wondered idly which ones were down to fuck.

“He keeps calling me every hour now, asking if we wanna go to the stupid Banquet together, like, ugh! Can you believe him?”

“That’s crazy,” Angel said, gaze lingering on a hot hellhound about twelve feet away.

“I know, right? So I need a fake date to bail out of this.”

“Go for it.”

“And you need a fake date to bail out of your shitty boss, or whatever. Ozzie always rants about him to Fizz, who then rants to me, and plus you know both of ‘em-”

“Wait, your idea is for us to go together ?” Angel wrinkled his nose, re-focusing on the conversation.

“Okay, okay, I know we’re not getting back together or whatever. But it’d just be for getting in! And then we don’t even have to do anything. Plus, we both get out of shitty other people.”

That… was actually good. “Blitz, you’re a fucking genius.”

“I know,” Blitz said smugly, and then kissed him.

Angel rolled his eyes as the imp pinned him to the couch. Blitz, we have TALKED about this- but whatever, anything that drowned out Val’s voice screaming you’re not good enough and Husk’s voice saying why would I go with you? and every other voice telling him-

Angel pushed them all aside, letting Blitz's tongue and the little white powder consume all thoughts. This was exactly what he needed right now. Just to forget everything.

meanwhile at cannibal town

A nice visit to Rosie’s was just what Alastor needed to clear his mind of all this ridiculous Pride Month, Masked Banquet, ‘alloromantic/asexual’, and Vox shit right now. Maybe Rosie would even give him a nice cut of meat to take home or something. It’d be fine. Everything would be just fine.

Alastor had just passed by a cannibal family watching a video through a phone when it shook and zapped, spitting out Vox. The family hissed and bit at him, and he quickly went over to Alastor.

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” Alastor asked, but his tone was clipped and short. “Still here to bother me?”

Vox went in front of him and Alastor tensed, shadows rising, but something was different about Vox’s face. His right eye was swirling the gentlest waves of red, pulsing and pulsing, pusling, pulsing… Alastor felt himself lost in the rhythm.

“ It’s me, your old buddy Vox ,” Vox said, voice honey-sweet. “ You love me, don’t you? You want me so much. You would die if you could go to the Masked Banquet with me. You-”

With some effort, Alastor managed to fight the hypnosis. “Wait, you-”

Vox’s hands gripped his shoulders, tightening, claws almost leaving marks. “ You love me. You would like to go to the ball with me, wouldn’t you?”

“I…” Alastor paused. What had he been about to say?

“You are going to go to the ball with me. You are going to love me. But to everyone else, you act completely normal. Do you understand?”

Alastor blinked, multiple times.

“Do you understand?” Vox barked, eye spinning at full speed.

“...y-yes,” Alastor said. It was really quite warm and tiring out here. He could almost drift off. It was all fading to a black tunnel. “yyye-” To him, the world closed like a television screen clicking off abruptly, all color then nothing at once.

“Good boy,” Vox hissed. “ Now, keep this and make sure to use it often. We don’t want you escaping the spell now, do we? But you don’t have a phone .” He shoved a phone into Alastor’s hand, which took it and peered at it blankly.

Alastor woke up in a room with a TV screen, confused. He tried to summon his shadows, but nothing happened. Finally, he decided to look into it- and what he saw shocked him. It was a POV from his eyes, showing a bit of his hands, his shoes, and mainly Vox occupying the screen with his hypnotic eye. Alastor’s eyes widened as he saw his own hands accepting the disgusting mobile phone technology and personalizing it.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. He had read about this somewhere. Vox had his body physically bound and hypnotized, like a fucking robot, and he was stuck inside his own brain watching it all play out.

“Fuck you, Vox!” He yelled. As expected, his stupid body did nothing.

Alastor touched the screen, disappointed to find it very solid. Then he punched it, hissing and retracting his bloodied fist, but he felt at least one of his knuckles slide through-

In reality, Hypnotized-Alastor blinked at Vox again, eyes starting to flick to radio dials. “W ha- ”

Vox amped up the hypnotizing twice as high with some effort, drawing electricity from the streetlights. “ That’s it, nice and easy .”

Mental-Alastor kicked the screen, but it repelled him now, refusing to give him control.

Well.

He was fucked.

Chapter Text

Mental-Alastor summoned all the mental will he had and launched himself at the glass screen, fingers turning into sharpened claws. Fortunately, he phased through this time, jumping straight back into reality with his claws around Vox’s throat. “ You tried to hypnotize me ?” he snarled, tightening his grip. “I am going to fucking scatter your remains-”

“Wait, wait, wait!” Vox shrieked, legs kicking, not touching the ground. “No, no, no-”

“You are dead , worse than dead. I will tear you apart slowly and savor every scream,” Alastor hissed, already monstrous, shadow tentacles branching out. One of them picked up the phone Vox had given him and tore it in two, a perfect representation of Vox’s future.

“ Wait! ” Vox growled, eye swirling so fast Alastor paused for a moment. “You forget who I am. The Television Demon, Overlord, leader of the Vees. If you kill me,” he threatened, “I will send out a broadcast to every sinner and Hellborn I control- millions- and they will converge upon your treasured Hotel, tearing it and its residents to pieces .”

“ You would not,” Alastor roughly shoved him against the wall with a shadow tentacle. “ You wouldn’t dare .”

“Kill me and see, then. I’ve already set up a digital kill switch. The second my artificial heart stops beating, the slander campaign will already be up. Nowhere in Hell will be safe for your friends.”

Alastor’s tentacle slackened for a second before slamming him against the bricks again. “ There are plenty of things I can do to you without killing you. You don’t even know the beginning of it.”

“Nuh-uh, causing me significant physical or mental distress will also trigger it. In fact, I’m manually overriding it right now,” Vox said, completely unfazed from the fact he was being flung against a building repeatedly. “You have three seconds before I stop overriding. Three.. Two…”

Alastor weighed all the factors in a second, but Vox really was not bluffing. He could tell. Even his silhouette, usually silent, begged him to drop Vox.

“Fine,” Alastor said curtly, reverting to normal form and dropping him one last time.

Vox, to his credit, recovered almost instantly, standing back up. “Thank you. Now, I have a proposal for you.”

“No.”

“Don’t walk away from me! I will release the message.”

Alastor gritted his teeth. “What do you want, Vox? My undying declaration of love?”

“You’re not too far off the mark.” Vox’s usually clear, intelligent eyes were clouded with almost insanity, obsession . “You are going to be mine . You are going to go to the Masked Banquet with me , and only me.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Then your Hotel is torn apart.”

“You don’t even have the power to-” Alastor stopped himself almost before Vox did. He did have the power to, that was the problem.

“I do. Do you want to see?” Vox’s face/screen displayed a highly detailed geographic map of Hell, each ring highlighted in neon blue the individuals Vox controlled. “Every single dot here is a thousand people who own my devices, my apps, my networks. Every single dot is people who are more than happy to oblige my command.”

A lesser demon might’ve cried, begged. You wouldn’t! Please! But Alastor ate people, and he knew they were all in Hell for a reason. This showed why imps stayed below sinners on the hierarchy, why sinners were bound to the Pride Ring. Hellborn were born here to no fault of their own. But sinners? They earned their place in Hell.

Alastor steeled his will and let his smile stretch a little wide. “Is that a deal ?” He offered his hand, glowing green symbols beginning to form.

“Sure,” Vox shrugged. Alastor’s magic began to weave a paper, but Vox’s own digital bytes and bits intercepted it almost immediately, forming a black tablet with glowing terms.

Skeptically, Alastor scanned it over. Alastor….plays role correctly…attends Asmodeus’s Masked Banquet with Vox… does not physically or mentally harm Vox to an extreme extent… Vox does not release the ‘kill switch’... Hmph. “This all looks to be in order, I suppose.”

Vox offered a sleek VoxTek Pencil (why did they feel the need to invent writing instruments that only worked on electronic displays?), but Alastor stared back, unimpressed, and conjured his own very nice ballpoint pen and purposely scrawled Alastor across the screen, pressing the ink into the pixels.

“That’s not… ugh,” Vox said, scrolling up and down the screen and wincing as the signature stayed at the same place. “Whatever. So, the deal is signed. Shall we start over?”

He turned and zapped away in pure electricity, and reappeared. “Why, hello, Alastor! Would you like to attend the Masked Banquet with me?”

Alastor put on the flattest, most sarcastic voice. “Yes, I would love to. I am positively swooning in anticipation.”

Vox growled. “No! You are in love with me. You wouldn’t say it like that.”

“Yes, I would looove to! I am positively swooning in anticipation!” Alastor let his eyes flick to little hearts instead of radio dials.

Vox conjured a holographic display of a meter from green (vox and alastor forever!!) to red (bye bye habzin hotel) and wrapped it around Alastor’s neck like a chain. The dial was currently somewhere in the yellow section (caution! caution!) “How about that, hmm? If it goes to red because of your terrible acting skills, well, you can read the label.”

“You spelled ‘Hazbin’ wrong,” Alastor noted. “Also, I’m not walking around with this simply tasteless thing-”

“It’s invisible to everyone except the people who signed the contract, ie me and you,” Vox said, patience stretching thin. “Now, I asked you a question. Would you like to attend the Masked Banquet with me?”

Alastor inwardly sighed, but warmed his smile. “Actually, I would love to,” he said gently, nicely (a close-watching viewer would note the warmth did not extend to his eyes, which were rather murderous). “I’ll meet you there?”

Vox’s impatient gaze dropped to a blush (ugh, weak feelings, Alastor mocked internally) and he smiled back. “Of course, my dear. Now, I have to get back to work, but please do keep in contact.”

Go fuck yourself! Alastor maintained his smile and bowed. “At your service, ChatVPT .” The meter crept up to a light yellow for that, but it was worth it.

Vox grinned and zapped away, just as a very large jaw clamped around where he had been standing. Its owner sighed and rolled her eyes, mouth returning to normal.

“Rosie! What can I do for you?” Alastor smiled, as usual.

“You shouldn’t have let that ****ing **** a** b***h **** ***** ****-” Rosie paused as every curse was being bleeped by a peaceful radio tone. “Alastor!”

“You know how I feel about vulgarity,” Alastor said pleasantly.

“Well, let me put this in a way you can comprehend,” Rosie narrowed her eyes, pupilless eyes narrowing in distaste. “You made a mistake, letting him walk all over you like that, should’ve torn him limb from limb and made him into a delicious dessert! Though even as food, he doesn’t deserve to be in your mouth.”

“Rosie, Rosie. I understand you have some strong feelings on the subject, but I handled it fine, if I do say so myself. I just have to attend this Masquerade, a masked event, after all, with him. I’ve done harder things.”

Rosie nearly pulled him over to her Emporium to continue the conversation. “You’ve always been dreadfully terrible at relationships, Alastor. You think it’ll end with the Masquerade? He’ll be holding this over your head for eternity , darling. Please let me kill him.”

Alastor shook his head. “I have it all under control, please trust me. And no offense to the lady, but I’m not sure you could kill him.”

“Now, that is offensive!” Rosie planted her hands on her hips. “These teeth can do a number on an unsuspecting sinner!”

“Rosie.”

She relented. “Fine, I suppose I won’t go after him. But are you sure you don’t need relationship advice?”

“ Yes ,” Alastor said firmly.

“Hmph,” Rosie was unconvinced, but steered the conversation away to Alastor’s relief. “So, how’s Pride Month going for you?”

It was like being saved from a pack of dogs only to be shot in the head. Did they really have to discuss such things? “It is going as any other month. The residents of the Hotel have insisted on covering it in colored flags, many of which resemble nation flags. I was confused.”

Rosie giggled, covering her mouth. “Have you figured it out yet? You know, ace in the hole ?”

Dear God. Why was everyone so fixated on this? But even his shadow was siding with Rosie, appearing next to her and nodded vigorously. Rosie patted its incorporeal ears.

“I have researched a small amount into asexuality,” Alastor grudgingly admitted. “Though it seems solid enough, my shadow over here-” he yanked it back under his feet- “has also branched into new ideas of ‘alloromanticism’ and other silly little labels.”

“Hmm, did it now?” Rosie cast the shadow a sly little grin. Alastor mentally warned it to not grin back, or else .

“It’s frankly ridiculous. I’d rather be aromantic and asexual than deal with this ‘oh, you have romantic but not sexual attraction’ stuff it keeps bringing up.”

“Well, have you ever been romantically attracted to someone?” Rosie gestured for a cannibalette to bring them some tea.

I’m still reaching for the memories that are fading, fading

On the radio, playing our favorite song

Say the things that I need, wish I could hear it from you

Baby, please don't leave me, this night is long and lonely so

So put everything aside, hug me, 안아 줘

Baby, don't leave me, only you can make me feel so alive

Take all of my love

Sometimes under the moonlight

Looking for your shadow, where are you?

In this fairy tale

It's up to us how it ends

“...no,” Alastor lied, taking a sip of the tea to hide it. It wasn’t really a lie, the meter around his neck could show.

“Not yet, or not anymore?” Damn Rosie, always too perceptive.

“No,” Alastor repeated.

Some sinners squeaked, others ticked. Rosie made clicking sounds with her teeth. “Hmm. If you say so. Well then, how’s the radio station going?”

Alastor relaxed as the conversation retreated into safer territory. “Oh, just fine! There was this dragonfly demon, the other day…”

Chapter Text

meanwhile in heaven

Lute and Adam had finally finished initiation day (to 99% of Lute’s credit and barely 1% of Adam’s). But they had done it! The new batch of Exorcists were relaxing in their common area now, getting drinks or small snacks, exhausted but happy after their first day.

“Aw, fuck yeah!” Adam crowed to Lute. “We got the next set of murder bitches in! Can’t wait to head down with ‘em!”

“We’ll have to train them adequately,” Lute acknowledged, not really focusing on the conversation. She was staring at two Exorcists, who were blushing and talking together, leaning closer-

“Ew, Exorcists can be gay?” Adam scowled, following her gaze. “I did not think our elite fighting force was capable of this weakness…” He waited for Lute to add her usual judgemental comment.

She didn’t.

“ Right , Lute?” Adam prodded.

“Huh? Oh, yeah. Fuck gay people,” Lute hastily added. “Uh, I’ll talk to them later and ask them to keep it in their bedroom, not in public.”

“Yeah, there are children here! They don’t wanna see that vile shit!” Adam said, satisfied. “Whatever, enough about them. But like, have you checked Sinsta lately?”

The Sinstagram Velvette owns? (Or Vox, whatever) Lute blinked. She should get a social media account. “Um, I don’t have Sinsta…”

“Of course you don’t. Well, there’s gonna be a Banquet on the Ides of March.”

Oh. The Hell one Velvette had asked her to. But Adam didn’t usually care about Hell business-

“Yeah, Uriel’s been sending out evites all week.” Adam pulled up a post. You are cordially invited to Uriel’s (The Heavenly Virtue of Chastity) Banquet on the Ides of June. All are welcome!

Lute blinked at it. Wait, the Ides of June was- she subtly checked her phone and the details Velvette had sent her. You are cordially invited to Asmodeus’s (The Deadly Sin of Lust) Masquerade on the Ides of June. Be of age, masked, and with a partner to be allowed entry. The same time and date . Well, that was fucking unfortunate. “Oh.”

“It’s gonna be fucking epic!” Adam agreed, putting his phone away. “But anyway, I wanted to ask you something.”

“Go ahead?”

“Will you come to the Banquet with me?”

Lute froze. “What?”

“I’ve been meaning to tell you for some time, Lute, but you’re, well, my closest friend. And I want us to be more than friends. Please just come to the Banquet with me?”

“Uh-” Lute bluescreened. Adam was the First Man, the Adam asking her? And she couldn’t even make it to the Heaven Banquet, she was going to the Hell Masquerade with Velvette- but she couldn’t say that… “I’ll, uh, think about it. I have to go.”

“Go where? You don’t even have hobbies aside from Exorcism-” Adam called after her, but it was to a fleeing angel.

Lute flew back to her room at top speed, cursing mentally. This was very bad . She couldn’t make an excuse to reject Adam without revealing her secret . Fuck, when did Velvette become a secret? And even if she did manage to reject Adam (mission: impossible), how was she going to justify an entire night’s absence at the same time of Heaven’s celebration?

This was fucking bad. Heaven’s Banquet didn’t even have royalty-only or couples-only restrictions like Hell’s did, so she couldn’t use either of them to get out of it. (Besides, as Lieutenant Exorcist, she had a creeping suspicion she’d be invited anyway under the elite-only restriction.)

Velvette .

What was she going to tell Vel? There was no way she could attend the Hell Masquerade now, was there? She had to keep up Heavenly appearances. One stupid temptation wasn’t worth it to blow the centuries of perfect image she had kept up. She had to call Velvette and tell her she wouldn’t be making it, and then she would figure out if she was going with Adam or not (though internally, she already knew the answer, didn’t she?)

Lute curled up in a ball on her bed. Heaven was as far away from a cage as a place could be, but everything still felt so restricting. Did she ever have a choice? Could Lute ever choose who she wanted to? No, she always had to pick the one that was ‘better’, the one she was ‘supposed’ to, the one the world picked for her. The heterosexual partner, the Heavenly Banquet, the sword in her hand. If I don’t, it’ll be that sword through my own head , she thought miserably (always justifying? When would it be justifiable?)

This society hates deviations from the norm, despite their preachings of acceptance, Lute knew. She was only spared for now, her head above the water on the lifebuoy that was what they wanted her to be. If she let go of it, would she be able to swim without it? No, she would drown, it was better to hold on even if it meant the lifebuoy was attached to a boat that was ultimately headed toward a worser shore, right?

Yes, it was better to hold on, to live to swim another day. Her reluctant hands unlocked her phone. I’m so sorry, Velvette. I wish I could love you freely the way you love me. But we both had to know this wasn’t going to work out. A demon and an angel? Trembling, she reached for the call button, but she couldn’t tap it.

“Fucking call Vel!” Lute ordered herself, but she just couldn’t. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, Lute! Choose! Let go or hang on, but don’t flounder in the water like this!

But God she wanted to, to sink in this suspension of time between two worlds, wanted to pretend the chasms she was desperately clinging to weren’t separating at a rapid rate. If I close my eyes, it won’t happen. Uriel or Asmodeus will reschedule their events. Adam will love me, but Velvette can love me too. I can satisfy everyone. I have to. I have to satisfy everyone.

Wow, those thoughts spiraled down almost immediately. Lute’s gut clenched. I’m sorry . Then she hit the call button. Every ring sent ripples of sadness and further determination through her.

Then it rolled to voicemail. Velvette was probably at some social media conference. “Hi! You’ve reached Overlord Velvette, Social Media Demon! Leave a message, or don’t. I don’t care. I’ll get back to you in three to five business days!”

Lute took a deep breath. “Um, hey, Vel. This is Lute.” This society hates deviations from the norm. “I…” She couldn’t say it. I love you . “I won’t be able to make it to the Masquerade with you this thirteenth.” Did she ever have a choice? No. She never did. “I- you probably have already seen the Sinsta posts. Uriel is also having a Banquet on the same day, haha. Ha.” How fucking funny! “I am so sorry.” Also, Adam asked me- “You don’t have to call back when you get the message. Just, um,” I love you. I’m sorry. “Have a good life, I guess. I- We both knew this wasn’t going to work out-”

The allotted time elapsed and the harsh dial tone cut her off. “Oh. Alright.” Lute threw her phone, uncaring about the harsh thud when it hit the ground beside her bed, and curled up again.

Now, to deal with the problem of Adam…

meanwhile in some back-end club

Angel Dust was used to waking up in random places beside random strangers, so when his consciousness returned before his sight and all he felt was decidedly not his cozy blankets and Fat Nuggets, he sighed, trying to return to sleep.

He couldn’t sleep.

Angel reluctantly sat up. Who was it this time? Oh fuck , Blitzo. The memories returned to him in sporadic flashes, which as luck would have it were accompanied by coming down from the high of a few drugs. Ugh. Well, time to leave the club and never mention this ever again, something both he and Blitzo excelled in doing.

“Leaving so soon?” Blitzo said behind him.

Angel turned, crossing his arms. “I can’t fucking believe we hooked up. We were not supposed to fucking get back together! Ugh, fuck you.”

“Whatever, bitch!” Blitzo shrugged. “You didn’t stop me.”

Angel gritted his teeth, but Blitzo had a point. He had wanted- needed a distraction from all the shit with Husk not wanting to go with him (Nobody wanted to go with him, even Blitzo was only using him as a tool to get out of his own problems, nobody would ever love him)-

“Are you okay? You’re breathing really fucking loudly,” Blitzo pointed out very helpfully. “Oh my god. Are you having a panic attack?”

Angel slid down against the wall, feeling the still-going music pounding through his bones, trapped in a sinking spiral of thoughts ( No one would ever love him romantically, he subsisted on the twisted sexual love of his clients and his hookups, maybe that was all he deserved, maybe it was his fault, maybe he was in Hell for a reason-)

“Hey, uh, stop,” Blitzo said, suddenly beside Angel, frantically patting him on the head/shaking his shoulders. “I don’t actually know how to help you, uh, uh, think about calming things! Uh, horses! Ponies! Unico-”

I don’t have a fucking horse fetish like you, that does not fucking help , Angel wanted to say, but his mouth was glued shut and his heart was pounding faster than the 200 bpm song blaring in the background, which didn’t feel very safe ( Husk didn’t like him, why would he? Why did he feel entitled to any sympathy at all? He’d signed his own soul away like a fucking idiot, he deserved everything that was happening to him-)

“Jesus Christ! Stop!” Blitzo looked around, found a bottle of water, and very helpfully dumped half of it on Angel’s face.

Somehow, this actually snapped him back to reality and he glared at Blitzo. “Thanks a fucking lot, now there’s water all over me,” Angel tried to snap, but it came out as more of a hiss.

“You’re welcome,” Blitzo hissed right back. He was starting to remember why they hadn’t been that compatible. “I guess next time I’ll just fucking let you die in this random back room.”

“It’s not like you would care if I died anyway, huh?” Angel shot back, blood buzzing at the prospect of a fight.

“It’s not like you fucking sinners would actually die anyway, huh?” Blitzo mimicked right back. “That’s right, you’ll just fucking respawn and maybe in a better state.”

An uncomfortable silence hung between them.

“At least you can leave Pride,” Angel sulked, facing sideways to the wall.

“Uh, you are bound to this Ring for a reason , asshole. You fucking fucked up in your ditzy little happy Earth life and now you’re down here with the rest of us losers.” Blitzo knew he should shut up, but he never could.

“Maybe you’re just jealous of me,” Angel said, knowing a better him would take it back, would apologize, would never say it in the first place, would at least feel guilty , but he wasn’t that person. “Maybe, Blitz o , you’re just fucking jealous that even without leaving Pride, I’m a Hell-famous sensation-”

“Sensation?” The disbelief in Blitzo’s tone was glorious. “No, your fans are worse than Fizz’s. All you are is a fucking sex doll, a glorified set of holes for weird perverts to jerk off to in their weird basements-”

Angel’s physical recoil was immediate.

“-and you would think even with that you’d be able to hold a fucking relationship with me-”

“Oh, so it’s my fucking fault we broke up now, is it? Am I the one who runs away from every relationship?”

“You know what? It is your fault! You fucking chose your shitty job over me-”

“You think I chose to do that?”

They both fell silent again, chests heaving with breaths of apologies they’d never say. Neither had the decency- or the courage- to look away. Even now, the muffled music thudded in the floor and in the walls.

Finally, Blitzo grabbed his phone from the piles of shit around the back room and strode out, stopping near the door. “Oh, and guess what? Fuck you! I’m not going to the stupid Masquerade with you. Take your fucking boss!”

“Fuck you too!” Angel was viciously pleased he could throw up four middle fingers in retaliation as the door slammed.

Then, when he was sure Blitzo had actually left, he buried his face in a nearby pillow and screamed. Who the fuck was he going to go with now? ( Not Val. He couldn’t do this anymore. But maybe Blitzo was fucking right. Maybe he was just a sinful sinner who fucked up, a fucking mafioso who shot people, an idiot who overdosed in the back of a club just like this but here he was, back again! And now Blitzo had rejected him, like Husk-) Angel groaned aloud ( -Husk, and maybe he wasn’t worthy of any romance at all.)

His phone lit up with a new voicemail from Val that one of his arms tapped, almost mechanically.

“You actually think you can change? Addict trash like you doesn't change. I'll see you soon, baby."

meanwhile at goetia manor

Spoons clinked against bowls in the silence of the fresh torture that was ‘breakfast at Goetia manor’. Octavia scrolled through her phone. Stolas sat there. The empty chair between them spoke volumes.

Then, in a flash of blue flame, a creamy white paper appeared before Stolas. He blinked, picking it up and reading it. You are cordially invited to Asmodeus’s (The Deadly Sin of Lust) Masquerade on the Ides of June. Be of age, masked, and with a partner to be allowed entry. “Oh, I was just talking to Asmodeus!”

Octavia finally looked up. “Oh, the Masquerade! We finally got the invite!”

“Finally?”

“Yeah, it’s been trending for ages , Dad. Keep up.” Via showed him the social media posts from @asmodeusofficial. “See? And now, since we’re royalty, we’ve gotten the invite too!”

“What do you mean, we ?” Stolas asked skeptically. “Via, you are not of age! You cannot attend!”

Octavia’s face scrunched up in the way that meant ‘tantrum incoming’. “But Dad! It’s sooo exclusive! It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!”

“Now don’t be upset, my little Via. I assure you there will be more events in your lifetime, and you turn 18 next year-” Stolas tried to say, but was cut off.

“Ugh! I’m not a child anymore! Why won’t you let me do anything fun? I suppose you’ll be going with fucking Blitzo, or whatever.”

“Language!” Stolas frowned at her. “And speaking of Blitzy, why don’t you ask Loona if she is permitted to go, either? It’s a strictly adults-only Banquet-”

“Loona is an adult! She’s older than me!”

“Oh-”

“But Blitzo isn’t letting her go, either!”

“Well, you see, why don’t you girls go hang out together that night?”

“Whatever!” Octavia stood up and stalked off. “It’s not like Blitzo will even go with you! You know he doesn’t even like you, right? He only fucks you for the book.”

“I don’t need your opinions on my sex life!” Stolas snapped. “Blitzy will go with me if I ask him-”

“It’s not an opinion, it’s just a fact. You think he’ll say yes?” Octavia paused, something darkly cold rising inside her, and turned back for a moment. “He’s never loved you. He isn’t going to start now.”

Stolas’s eyes flickered into shades of hurt as Octavia stomped up to her room. For a second, she had been the eerie image of her mother, in an especially terrible way.

“He is going to say yes,” Stolas said, quietly, aware his daughter was long gone. “You’re wrong.”

Chapter Text

meanwhile at some public conference

Velvette rolled her eyes, finally free of the hell Vox liked to call a ‘public conference’. She could practically feel her phone vibrating out of her pocket every minute with dozens of missed notifications she’d have to catch up on, people she’d have to message back. She had a one-hour reply guarantee on weekdays!

The second Vox strode off the podium and reporters swarmed him to his limousine, Velvette tugged her phone out of her pocket and scrolled. A lot of people took her for stupid, but her reading rate was over twice Hell’s average.

Her 532 notifications were quickly swiped through. Someone got married, someone posted Fizzarozzie ship art, some leaker posted about a Heaven Banquet… ugh. Velvette switched to her Heaven alt and looked through the sudden influx of notifs, where winners were bubbling about some ‘Banquet’. Uriel, the fucker, had almost word-for-word copied from Asmodeus’s invite.

Velvette was automatically typing the PR shit expected of her social media account about the event ( Excited for winners attending Uriel’s Banquet! #heaven #vees) when she paused.

Lute.

Fingers flicking to another app, she was already connecting dots of a picture she didn’t want to see finished.

1 missed call from: hot angel

Stomach already sinking, Velvette hit the play button and let it roll. “Um, hey, Vel. This is Lute. I won’t be able to make it to the Masquerade with you this thirteenth. I- you probably have already seen the Sinsta posts. Uriel is also having a Banquet on the same day, haha. Ha.”

Velvette swallowed, but her throat was painfully dry. Ha ha.

“I am so sorry. You don’t have to call back when you get the message. Just, um, have a good life, I guess. I- We both knew this wasn’t going to work out-” BEEP .

The dial tone. Velvette almost dropped her phone for once in her life. What?? Noooo. This couldn’t be happening! She played it again.

“Um, hey, Vel.”

She listened to it again. And again. And again.

No. No! This wasn’t happening! Nobody broke up with VELVETTE! Was this a breakup? “Have a good life, I guess…We both knew this wasn’t going to work out…” That sounded like a breakup! Lute was saying goodbye forever? No. No. No. Velvette ALWAYS was the one to break up. That- this wasn’t happening-

Sure, the Heaven event was on the same day, but- but Lute could just not go! There would probably be more in years to come, or something- Velvette tapped the call back button.

hot angel has: blocked you

What?

Call back.

hot angel has: blocked you

Velvette seethed, aware she was still at the conference center. The reporters were gone now, following Vox, and Val had undoubtedly disappeared to one of his studios or clubs. Velvette sighed and flicked her wrist, allowing the fabric of her clothing to envelop her in a stream of cloth. When the fabric cleared, Velvette had been teleported to Vee Tower.

“You can’t fucking block me , fucking arsehole!” Hacking was more of Vox’s expertise, but Velvette did it anyway, pinning down Lute’s IP address and trying to find other channels of communication. “Twat! Talk to me!” The fucking angel didn't even have Sinsta, VaceBook, or TickTock!

She realized then that it was always Lute opening a portal to Heaven or Hell when she was flustered, and with contact cut off, she wouldn’t do anything.

“Fuck you, Heaven bitch!”

With a mounting headache, Velvette began to attempt to teleport to Heaven. After impossibly long, tangled in silks and chiffons, she was still right where she’d started on the floor of her room. “Ugh! Fuck you!”

No. This was all wrong. Lute couldn’t have broken up with her and blocked her and now she had no way to Heaven or Lute or-

her phone rang.

It flashed into her hand instantly, Velvette's eyes scanning for for Lute’s name, only to be disappointed with Vox’s. “Get down here Vel, it’s 6:15 already. Where are you?”

Oh, right. 6pm was the Vees’s daily meetup in the lounge unless one of them was at work. And they had all been at the conference half an hour ago together. “Jesus! I bloody forgot the time!”

She quickly dusted her dress off, fixed her makeup, and hurried downstairs as Vox yapped something or other. The other two were waiting for her in the meeting room.

“You’re… like, never late,” Valentino commented, his latest obsession being painting his nails gold. “Something- or someone hold ya up, terciopelo?”

“It is a long fucking story,” Velvette sighed, not wanting to talk about Lute at the moment. “Vee, you go first.”

“If you say so. My Pride Month is going just perfect,” Vox grinned, snapping his fingers and manifesting a VoxTek tablet. Both Velvette and Valentino leaned in to read: Masked Banquet… love… kill switch… and at the bottom, in elegant scrawl, Alastor .

“You- got the Radio Demon to sign a contract with you?” Velvette gasped. “Wha- how-” The envy she bred every day in social media began rising in herself.

“Some good old-fashioned extortion by threatening that little hotel of his,” Vox explained smugly. “And now he’s mine, forever and ever, and coming to the Banquet with me.”

“Wow.” The bile in Velvette’s throat didn’t stop rising. “Great for you, mate. Really excellent.”

Valentino looked away, too. It was one of their ‘off’ periods, but Vox’s obsession with the radio freak had always irked him. And now this bonding contract…

Sending their displeasure, Vox switched the subject quickly. “C’mon, you two. How were your days? Val, any luck with Angel?” There. Val’s equivalent to Alastor.

The moth brightened at that. “Actually, I did! He talked to me this morning at work, said he'd come to the Banquet with me. Had a fight with the guy he was originally gonna go with, heh.”

Vox knew. He'd watched the backroom footage of the club in which Angel Dust fought some little imp. “That's amazing! Looks like we all have dates to the Banquet, then.”

“Heh,” Velvette said weakly. “About that…”

“Spill,” Valentino commanded. “What happened?”

So Velvette told her two closest friends all about Lute’s voicemail (as if Vox hadn't already downloaded it off her phone and secretly listened to it). Halfway through, her eyes started shining just a bit too twinkly. “So, um, y-yeah. T-that's what happened,” she sniffed quietly, wiping a hand across her eyes. “I guess she'll be at the Heaven ball.”

“Aw,” Vox said, hugging her. “It's okay, Vel. We'll find a way to get you that angel if you want her so much. Trust me.”

“Enough of that shit,” Vel protested, but she smiled and hugged Vox back. Valentino joined the hug then too, carefully keeping his freshly painted nails away from surfaces.

“Yeah, terci, we'll get that bitch for you,” Valentino added. “I'm sure she has other ways of communication that aren't her number.”

“I checked!” Velvette was about to burst into tears again. “She doesn't! I tracked her IP, disabled the firewall, traced the data-”

Vox nodded encouragingly. “Or you could just use another phone to text her number?”

“Oh. OH! Vee, you're a genius!” Velvette had completely forgotten. “Um, can I have your phone?”

“Well, maybe my company phone? My personal one is very important, being Hell’s leading technological-”

“Thanks!” Velvette grabbed it from his hand and dialed Lute’s number, which she could do blind at this point.

Lute picked up in a few rings. “Head Exorcist Lute of Heaven, how may I assist you today?”

“Heya, babe,” Velvette began. “Uh, this is me, Vel, callin’ from Vox’s phone. I-”

“Don't contact me again.” Lute’s voice was ice. “I already told you everything you need to know- I'm going to the Heaven Banquet, I have to.”

“No, you don't! I could get you out, or I could go to it with you-”

“ No, Velvette.”

meanwhile in heaven

Velvette going with Lute to the Heaven Banquet? That was the worst fucking idea ever; Adam would see, Sera would see, everyone would see Lute was a dirty sinner with another dirty sinner. “That is not going to happen. Now stop trying to reach me.”

In desperation, Lute heard Velvette begin to flirt with her, trying to get her to open a portal. “Baby~ you know you just want to go with me to the Banquet, don't you~”

“Stop.”

Velvette fell silent.

“God, Vel. Why can't you just leave me alone? It'll be better for both of us.”

“Lute-”

Lute hung up and blocked the number, then searched up how to block all numbers that originated in Hell. She did that.

new texts from: Adam

hey danger tits u make up ur mind yet? ;)

Yes. Lute typed back, almost robotically. I'll go with you.

lets fucking goo

Lute stared at her phone for a second more, the temptation of unblocking Velvette growing and waning. It didn't feel like just a few days ago that she was judging Hellish homosexuals with Adam. Too much had happened since. It would've been better if Velvette had never called her at all.

Can't wait to see you there. Lute finally replied. Good night.

gn bbg

That felt wrong all of a sudden, like Lute had been dipped in a pool of freezing water. Velvette called her baby girl. Adam didn't- Well, get used to it, she mentally berated herself. Cause Velvette isn't calling you anything ever again.

Get used to your new life.

meanwhile at the hazbin hotel

“Today is Masquerade preparation day!” Charlie declared happily to the Hazbin Hotel residents. “We’ll be going downtown to pick out outfits, and especially if you want matching outfits, this is the perfect time! We’ll leave in ten minutes, if you want to come, get ready!”

With that announcement done, she retreated to a couch, humming cheerfully. “Vaggie, aren’t you soo excited??”

“Yeah, babe,” Vaggie smiled softly at her girlfriend.

Meanwhile, Sir Pentious was pacing circles around his phone, open on a picture of Cherri Bomb’s face with simple call and text icons. “Jussssst call her, just call her…”

“Hey Pen, whatcha stressin’ about?” Angel said behind him.

Pentious jumped half a foot. “Ohhh, hello, ssssspider. Nothing much…” His tail tried to sneakily pick up the phone, but was stomped down by one of Angel’s boots. “Ouch!”

Angel hooked his foot under the phone and kicked it up to his hand. “You tryna call Cherri? Why?”

“Errr, we are going sssssshopping later, and I wanted to ask Miss Cherri if she would come with me, again…” Pentious fretted. “Only I don’t know if I have the courage to assssk her.”

“I can call her for you,” Angel shrugged, tapping the call icon as Pentious scrambled for the phone. He tossed the phone back at Sir Pentious, who barely caught it just as Cherri picked up. 

“Yeah?” That iconic Aussie accent came through.

“Hiii… Misssss Cherri Bomb. I was wondering if you’d like to come with me today to go sssssshopping for Masquerade outfits…” Pentious glanced at Angel, who gave him a thumbs-up.

“And why would I go shopping with you?”

Pentious panicked. “...because I’m going shopping with EVERYBODY!”

Surprisingly, that got a laugh. “Everyone at the hotel? Alright, guess I could come over. Think we can match in black?”

“I- what?” Sir Pentious stammered. “Miss Cherri??” She’d hung up. “Cherri??” He stared at the phone in horror, as if he’d somehow caused it to malfunction by his very presence. I knew I should’ve built my own fully functioning ballistic-missile-launching-speaking telegraph instead of using this newfound gadget!

“Don’t worry about it, baby,” Angel grinned. “That’s Cherri’s way of saying yes.”

“Yes… as in she and I are going to the Masquerade together?”

“I guess she’s finally giving you a chance,” Angel agreed. “By the way, is it true you have two dicks?”

Pentious opened his mouth to respond, but just then Charlie skipped to the middle of the room and called, “Time to leave! Anyone who wants to come with us, now is the time!”

“But- Miss Cherri is not here yet!” Pentious slithered off to reason with Charlie as Angel watched him, chuckling. He really didn’t belong in Hell with the rest of them. He was quite noble.

“Heh, ha ha…” Angel’s laughs trailed off as he turned away, sighing. Watching his best friend and a clueless snake get closer over the months was cute and all, but it didn’t distract very well from his own fucked-up situation.

“Angel, you coming?” Charlie asked, walking over to him. “We’re waiting for a little longer so Cherri has time to get here, so you can ask that Blitz guy to come with us too. Uncle Ozzie said you’re going together-”

Of course the blue fucking chicken gossiped about him. “Yeah, well, we’re not anymore.” Then Angel felt bad for snapping at optimistic, happy Charlie. “Uh… listen, Charlie. I just-” Shit happened. “Stuff happened. I… I won’t be going with you guys today, but just… don’t worry about me, yeah?”

Her eyes instantly filled with worry. “Why? What happened? No no no, you don’t have to tell me if you’re not comfortable! If anything is bothering you, you can tell me. You don’t have to come at all! Oh, Cherri’s here. Uh, we’ll be leaving now. You don’t have to come. Um. Yeah. Sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong,” Angel consoled quickly. “I’ll see you guys after the shopping spree. Have fun.”

“Yeah! Thanks. Bye!” Charlie still looked a bit troubled, but rejoined the leaving group.

When he was sure everyone had left, he turned to plod back to his room, dejected. He knew nothing was going to happen with Blitz. He was going to have to go with Val. Or you could go with Husk! A little voice chirped in the back of his head. Angel rounded on that voice so fast and harshly it withered in its root. No. He already said no. Besides, (again) HE would not want to go with ME. I don’t deserve-

Husk had evidently been hiding under the counter and chose the moment Angel walked past, wiping his eyes, to pop up. Angel froze. “Shit, were you just hiding this whole time?”

“Oh. Uh, looking for a bottle I left there.”

“Right.” Angel’s grin slid back into place. “Not going shopping?” Fucking satan, why did his causalTalk.exe pick that to talk about?? Of all the subjects between them, shopping for the Masquerade-

“What do you think?” Husk took a drink, then immediately felt bad. Angel’s grin was still in place, but something in his eyes had faltered. Oh, man.

“Yeah. Guess you found a good date, though.” Probably better than me. Definitely better than me. Angel looked away, then slipped into the hall without another word. He did hope Husk found someone better.

Walking down the hall, a melody began to flow into the air around him. Angel didn’t have the energy to fight it tonight, instead letting the music take him. 

“I was pulling out my hair

The day I got the deal, chemically calm

Was I meant to feel happy

That my life was just about to change?”

The music picked up, and he began to walk along with it, speeding up to almost a jog as he spun to his room, out into the balcony, looking up at the eternally starless red skies.

“One life pretending to be

The cat who got the cream

Oh, everybody said, ‘that Angel is a dreamer’

People like to tell you what you’re gonna be”

He spotted the next balcony over and had a wild moment of impulsivity, using his lanky limbs to swing over on it, still examining the blood-red skies as if it could grow stars. It wouldn’t. He’d been looking up at it for decades, and it never changed.

“It’s not my problem if you don't see what I see

And I do not give a damn if you don't believe

My problem, it’s my problem that I never am happy

It's my problem, it's my problem on how fast I will succeed”

Angel took a deep breath, almost drunk on the melody as he jumped faster and faster from window to window, making his way slowly up the side of the hotel like a spider.

“Are you satisfied with an average life?

Do I need to lie to make my way in life?”

No one saw him cry but the sky.

“High achiever, don't you see?

Baby, nothing comes for free

They say I'm a control freak

Driven by a greed to succeed

Nobody can stop me”

He shook his head to clear the moments that never stopped coming back.

“'Cause it's my problem if I wanna pack up and run away

It's my business if I feel the need to smoke and drink and sway

It's my problem, it's my problem if I feel the need to hide

And it's my problem if I have no friends and feel I want to die”

The question kept coming back to haunt him, swinging from the fire escape, hanging only by his knees thirteen stories up.

“Are you satisfied with an average life?

Do I need to lie to make my way in life?

Are you satisfied with an easy ride?

Once you cross the line will you be satisfied?”

Eventually, he ran out of building to climb, ending up at the roof as the pentagram-black moon turned ever so slowly around Hell, the only indication of passing time.

“Sad inside, in this life

Unsatisfied, praying

Sad inside, in this life

Unsatisfied, waiting”

The chorus hit again even harder, still trying to coax the truth out of him. Angel let it.

“Are you satisfied with an average life?

Do I need to lie to make my way in life?

Are you satisfied with an easy ride?

Once you cross the line will you be satisfied?”

He slowly winded down, laying on the roof, still looking up, always looking up.

Black, white (Are you satisfied, are you satisfied?)

Black, white (Are you satisfied, are you satisfied?)

Black, white (Are you satisfied, are you satisfied?)

Black, white (Am I satisfied, am I satisfied…?)

The song ended. Angel didn’t know why he was looking up anymore. The ugly sky never changed, it was stupid to hope that it would. Just like his life (are you satisfied?) He exhaled, trying to force his shoulders to relax. This was stupid. He needed something to take the edge off, now. Maybe he should climb back down, jump off into the alley, go to the nearest drugstore? Find something to make it all go away (unsatisfied, waiting)

With one last glance at the sky ( why? Always hoping), Angel got up to his feet sadly, grabbing the handle to the roof door. It didn’t open. Angel turned to it, pushing down harder. Nothing happened. “Shit!” Kicks didn’t open it, pushing down with all his strength did nothing.

He went back to the edge of the roof and looked down. Swallowed. Thirty stories looked a lot higher when you weren’t lost in song. And climbing down was always harder than climbing up.

Angel was debating literally pulling out a gun and shooting the doorknob when it clicked and opened (it only unlocked from the inside, idiotic design)- and Husk walked through.

“Heard some noise up here; guess I missed a song,” Husk commented, looking at him.

“You didn’t miss anything important,” Angel replied stiffly, trying to skirt around him and down the stairwell. “I was just…” What? Looking at the fucking monotone sky? “...thinking.” Even using drugs would’ve been a better excuse.

“Sure.” Husk causally moved to block him. “Y’know, about what you said earlier.”

“Don’t worry about that-”

“I don’t have a date for the Masquerade. I wasn’t even considering going.”

Angel waited. The way he said it in past tense, as if a hidden but was coming up.

“But then you asked me. And I didn’t know why you would. I mean, look at you-”

“Okay, thanks,” Angel said a bit more sharply than he’d intended to. “You always know how to make me feel better,” was the next sarcastic thing that flew out of his mouth.

“Not like that,” Husk said, and something in his tone made Angel give him one more second. “What I’m trying to say is- I didn’t mean to sound like that, when I said no to you. I didn’t know you were genuinely asking.”

Angel raised an eyebrow.

“I mean, why would you want to go with an old, useless thing like me? You’re… well, everything. And I don’t exactly do a lot around here. It made me feel like you were joking, playing around.”

Why would I be leading you on-? Angel stopped his anger from rising as the other words sunk in. “Wait, you thought- you think I’m… more than you?”

“I’m just some drunk, you’re more than that.” Husk tried to explain. “You’re clearly out of my league. I was caught unexpected-”

“Wait, wait, you think I’m out of your league? It is literally the fucking opposite? I fuck people for a living, and if I’m not doing that I’m getting high off unstable shit-” Angel broke off, stunned.

They stared at each other.

Finally, Angel spoke again. “So, what is the point of all this? You wanna ask me again, or something?” The stubborn hope that refused to die in his heart flared.

“Only if you want to,” Husk said quietly.

Angel opened his mouth, then closed it. “Um. Yeah. Yes. Please. I would love to go with you, I just thought-”

“We’ve established that your thoughts are generally not right,” Husk grumbled, and the joy in Angel flared again.