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For so many years, it had just been you and Natasha. Sure, you both had other groups and other friends and lives of your own, but when it came down to it, it would always be just you and her. It was you and her who met on the first day of SHIELD academy, you and her who partnered for every training exercise and sparred together out of hours, and it was you and her who graduated together, taking your roles as official SHIELD agents, together.
After leaving the dorms of the academy, the two of you moved in together -- a matter of convenience since you shared the same office. You accompanied each other on missions, becoming a formidable pair with your uncanny ability to work in sync as partners, often seeming to predict what the other would do before they'd even decided themselves.
Truly, the only thing you didn't do together, was teaching. Natasha had one cohort, you had the other, and, with every class taught, the rivalry became more infamous throughout SHIELD. Scoreboards were set up, tallies were kept, and even graduated recruits maintained their allegiance to their academy teacher: one side or the other, as you and Natasha used your students to engage in friendly (but ruthless) competition with each other.
The history between the two of you was undeniable, and to just say that you 'had history' would be putting it too lightly. After all, that history had transcended your friendship and become engrained in the SHIELD values for the last few years' cohorts. It seemed infallible, unstoppable, everlasting.
You suppose that's why it hit so hard when it all came crashing down. And what a crash it was.
A partnership so long, severed in the same amount of time it took for your spine to snap.
Now here you were, in an empty apartment across the world from the newest Avenger. Clint will teach the new academy cohort; his group will rival Natasha's. She will continue with her life: a life of missions, secrecy, and public image, all simultaneously. She was picked for the Avengers, to protect the world, and you know that she'll do her job well, like she always does and always has.
You, meanwhile, will never walk again -- a phrase the medics said with such certainty that it left no room for hope -- you will never fight again, run again, spy again. You will never work for SHIELD again.
The organisation provided for you, as 'a thank you for your service', but mostly because you were injured whilst working for them. They paid for your flight to New Zealand, for the house you now live in, and for the transport of your belongings from yours and Natasha's house to here.
You had to get away… as far from SHIELD, as far from the Avengers, as far from her as possible. Reasons for them to be here were few and far between, there would be no random drop-ins and check-ups unless the world was ending in the South Pacific Ocean. Finally, you could relax, drop the facade, and feel the emotions you'd refused to feel since it happened.
You screamed, you cried, and you punched the wall hard enough to give yourself another injury -- one which hurt far less though than any of the others you currently nursed, physically or mentally.
Leaving SHIELD, getting injured... they'd never been in your plan, they weren't your choices, but the move was. Leaving Natasha was your choice. It had been your choice but that doesn't mean you can't miss her, because months later you still do.
You miss the camaraderie, the inside jokes from shared experiences and shared life; the competition that was always more serious between the students than it ever was for you and Natasha, who at the end of the day anyways returned home together. You miss your life before, but you know you can never return.
You don't miss the time after the injury; when you were told that full recovery wouldn't be possible and that your career was over. You don't miss when Natasha, who promised to take care of you, was suddenly forced into endless press to 'maintain a positive image' for the newly formed Avengers, lest she lose her job too. And, most of all, you don't miss the dreadful pit in your stomach from when you had asked Nat, your friend, the person you had spent years of your life doing everything with, about her day. She hadn't said anything, but the tears in her eyes had said enough. Because you weren't partner SHIELD agents anymore. She would still do it all, but you were now nothing more than a civilian. She didn't say anything because she couldn't.
You used to do everything with her, now even the knowledge is classified. Knowing her is above your clearance, so you had to go away.