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Love. A girl's dream.
Falling in love seemed like the ultimate goal to her peers. That special someone made to complete you? Life wasn’t perfect without that person. That’s why it’s important to look for love all your life! You can’t let your soulmate slip away, can you? Many seemed to think Sara was their soulmate, especially on Valentine's Day.
She’d find love notes in her locker, flowers at her desk, and the occasional face-to-face confession. She never understood why she was so popular with both the ladies and the guys- even more so, she couldn’t understand what stopped her from reciprocating such passionate love.
Perhaps it was her age, that’s what her father guessed. Some girls weren’t focused or interested in love as teenagers, but would eventually when they were older. It was a maturity thing. That, or maybe Sara just hadn’t found the right one.
It wasn’t the first time Sara found herself flipping through magazines, viewing celebrities, and browsing advice columns. Surely the hottest and most loved in Japan would tickle her fancy- if not, the love advice might be what would cure her woes!
…That’s what she kept telling herself each time. No dice. She never felt anything in her heart when looking at the perfectly sculpted faces of men and women, and never felt much relation or understanding to the love stories, problems, and advice she looked into.
She’d vented her struggles to one of her best friends, Ryoko. Ryoko had assured Sara that maybe it was because they were in school and she couldn’t find anyone she liked. Perhaps she’d want someone more mature- in appearance and/or mind.
That wasn’t it either, Sara knew that much. She could count the few times she overheard fellow classmates fangirl over a conveniently attractive teacher and how she felt uneasy listening in. She always wondered if those girls and guys actually had feelings for their educators or if it was all appearance-based. It made her worry, her classmate's behaviors and fascinations, but she always brushed it off as another thing she just didn’t get.
Eventually, Sara decided maybe it was experience she was lacking. It’s not like she’d ever been in a relationship before- sure she didn’t know how to act or feel in one, but who did? Especially when they’d never been in one before.
She one day accepted the love confession of a boy named Ranmaru. He wasn’t a very popular boy, nor was he what many would deem ‘hot’ or ‘attractive,’ but he was certainly cute. Made her think of a little dog.
His appearance wasn’t the only thing that made Sara connect him to a dog. He’d often follow her around like a clingy puppy, he’d light up when she spoke to or looked at him, and he always seemed on edge about others being near her. Like a guard dog.
It felt a bit like her two best friends and their ‘if anyone makes Sara cry, we’ll make them cry’ motto come to life. Granted, Ranmaru was a bit on the more “pathetic” side, all bark not much bite. Though Sara had a feeling he’d do just about anything if she asked.
This ‘love’ felt one-sided. He seemed so much more fascinated by her than she was of him. The guilt ate her up inside, a sense that she was the one in the wrong. She needed to ‘fix’ this- she couldn’t let him go until she could figure out what it was she wanted so much.
True to her perception, Ranmaru did pretty much anything she asked. When she asked him to be more romantic, she was swept off her feet by various dates, gifts, gestures, and flirting. They’d even cuddled and kissed a few times.
The more romantic he was, the less Sara wanted to be around him. She knew it wasn’t fair. He was a boy in love trying to appeal to his girlfriend. She should be more grateful, and get over this nonsense.
She never felt more ashamed than the time her two best friends found her crying underneath a tree outside of school. They expressed concern and desire to ‘fight’ whoever or whatever had made her cry, but Sara just shook her head. Ryoko gently touched her hand and asked her to tell them what happened, and she broke.
She exclaimed about how guilty she felt. How empty every kiss and date she’d ever shared with Ranmaru was. How scared she was that all her relationships would be like this- if she ever had any again.
Joe reminded her how awesome she was and Ryoko kindly told her she didn’t have to stay with Ranmaru if she felt this way. That if she wanted a break from romance, she could take it, no matter how long it was.
Sara just wished she could be ‘normal’. She told them how she wished she could fall in love with the idea of a picture-perfect wedding, but the idea of getting in a white dress and saying vows made her skin crawl. How she panicked at the idea of anyone referring to her as ‘theirs’ in any capacity, even if there was innocent intent. How she felt ashamed of all the love letters she’d gotten over her life and how it’d brought her to the point of contemplating homeschooling a few years back. That’s how much she hated it.
What she hated most of all was this self-expectation she’d someday understand. Someday she’d feel butterflies in her stomach, experience sweaty palms, and a racing heart. A sense of euphoria would engulf her once she found ‘the right one’, her one true soulmate- but the more she thought of it, the less it seemed true. The more horrified she felt at the idea of it BEING true. It was embarrassing and shameful.
She couldn’t see herself in the future with another woman or man, married or not. She wanted to live on her own and sleep in her own bed, not in the arms of another. Not concerned with another human being as an extension of herself. Not worrying about a commitment to another person. None of it.
“I wish I wasn’t so… ‘wrong.’” Sara had explained. “I feel like everyone’s in on some inside joke and laughing together while I watch, not getting it. Why? Why do I feel this way?”
Joe and Ryoko hugged her. Joe was more of a ‘squeezer’ while Ryoko opted for rubbing her friends back in an up-and-down motion. In all this despair, her friends made her feel peace. They made her feel love.
She felt so honored and seen, the care and support from her friends was immeasurable with how much it assisted her happiness. The love they had for her and the love she had for them felt like it was radiating from her heart. This love made her feel as if she could carry her head high once more with confidence and acceptance for herself- even if she didn’t fully understand why she was the way she was.
That night, Sara received a text from Joe. It was a link to an article titled ‘Why do I not want to date? An aromantics perspective’. Intrigued and a bit anxious, Sara finished up the last of her homework as fast as she could and opened the link. Her eyes scanned every word of the article- its opening explaining what an aromantic person was.
‘Someone who feels little to no romantic attraction.’
‘Has this happened to you? You’re watching a movie and the happy ending results in a loving couple- and you feel confused. Why is it that the girl only feels complete thanks to her boyfriend? Is this the conclusion we should be satisfied with?’
‘Have you ever looked at the happy couples in your life and felt you’re missing out on an inside joke? All the kissing, hugging, cuddling, dating, and romance- is it a bizarre and alien world to you? There’s a chance you’re aromantic!’
Sara reread the article top to bottom countless times, her heart beating rapidly in her chest. Was this it? No- couldn’t be- this was a label for people who were actually aromantic, not ignorant teenage girls who were too young to understand love. She couldn’t be aro, she’d most definitely find and feel love eventually!
She thanked Joe and told him she didn’t think it fit, but appreciated the gesture. Covering her head with blankets and squeezing her eyes tight, she forced herself to sleep to avoid the thoughts swimming in her head.
Come morning were messages from Ranmaru. It wasn’t anything special, just his usual ‘good morning’ and kind words. A question about if she’d like to eat lunch with him on the school's rooftop.
She didn’t. She wanted to eat with Joe and Ryoko. She didn’t care if Ranmaru was there, she just didn’t feel like being alone with anyone.
She bluntly told him she didn’t feel like it and offered the proposal they eat with their friends. Although he seemed apprehensive, Ranmaru agreed, much to Sara’s delight.
The lunch she spent with the others felt like a weight off her shoulders. It truly felt more like four friends than two couples- even if she was fully aware Joe and Ryoko were dating. They never were obvious or obnoxious about it, which Sara liked.
After lunch, her anxiety returned. Her mind paced over her feelings and Ranmaru. It didn’t seem right to lead him on, at the very least. If her heart wasn’t tied to him, then she wasn’t the one for him. He should find someone who’d love him with their whole heart; the thing Sara knew she herself couldn’t provide.
Her heart didn’t belong to anyone, not like that. She felt it never would.
After school, she went back to the idea of being aromantic. She looked into other’s experiences and stories, finding she deeply related to them. All the romance repulsed or confused people made her heart swell with compassion and happiness. Knowing she wasn’t alone in her attempts to feel romantic love- that so many had tried the same methods she had.
One person talked about how they only liked fictional characters. Another talked about how they didn’t feel romantic or platonic love for their partner, but something else entirely. So many stories, so many emotions, and experiences. It was eye-opening.
Sara’s mouth felt dry as her fingers trembled over the keyboard of her phone, open to Ranmaru's messages. She groaned and smacked her head against the screen, frustrated with herself. Why couldn’t she love him like that? After all he’d done for her! It wouldn’t be fair to leave…
But. It wouldn’t be fair to stay, either. It’d just be hurting him more, the longer she stayed. The longer she played this facade, the longer she’d be giving him hope that their relationship was real. It wasn’t. It was wrong to pretend it was.
She swallowed her pride and worry and clicked the call button, much to her delight and despair he picked up immediately.
“Sara! I didn’t think you’d call- what’s up?”
God. She felt like crying.
“Can we meet up somewhere? Preferably a place you don’t go often or really care about,” she couldn’t dare sour any of the things he loved, knowing how much she would already.
“Uh… what for?”
“Um. I just wanna talk face to face, that’s all!“ She didn’t want to scare him, so she tried to play it cool. “I… found some things out about myself and I want to share them with you.”
“Okay. How about that sushi place we both hate? Not sure why you’d wanna go somewhere that sucks, but it’s all I can think of.”
She smiled, thinking about their date to a local sushi bar in which both of them were food poisoned. How it was wild how badly that place messed up something so simple.
“Sure,” she giggled. “Is now a good time to meet?”
“Yeah, I’m down! I have nothing else to do, really. I’ll be there in maybe thirty or so minutes? It’s a walk for me but you’ll need to take the bus.”
“Mhm! Perfect. I’ll see you soon.”
Sara ended the call and threw on some basic clothing. Just a pair of brown shorts and a white short-sleeved button-up. It was cute, but it didn’t scream ‘date’. She snatched up one of her softest hoodies as a comfort item, it being pink with a strawberry on the upper left of the chest. She had a sinking feeling tears were bound to burst from her eyes, something she didn’t want anyone else seeing- so the loose hoodie would help provide some cover.
She dashed to the closest bus station near her home and was lucky to find just the bus she needed. She hopped on and began to mentally prepare herself for all she had to say.
As per his common habit, Ranmaru was way earlier than she was- not to say she was late, though.
“Hey, Sara!” We waved to her, wearing his usual clothing. “Glad to see you!”
Sara forced a small smile, thinking to herself that he wouldn’t be thinking those words for long. “Hey Ranmaru! I’m happy to see you too! Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.”
She looked up at the Sushi bar's door, “We don’t have to eat here, by the way. If you don’t want to.”
“Eh, I wouldn’t mind it. I’m hungry. Also, remember the wontons? They were pretty good,” he replied, looking her way.
“If that’s what you want, sure! I’ll pay,” she offered. Ranmaru blushed a bit and nodded his head, lord knowing his wallet needed a break.
The pair entered the restaurant and were soon seated. “So, what did you want to tell me?” Ranmaru asked, looking her in the eyes.
Sara felt as if she could burn up and die from his state, her anxiety beginning to boil in her stomach. Was he going to hate her? Yell and throw a fit? Convince her she was wrong about herself? That it was all a phase? Scold her for wasting his time and money? Asking him to be romantic with her only to pull this?!? Oh, how she was ready to shrink into the seat and become invisible.
“Well, to start, I think this is something I’ve dealt with all my life. I just didn’t know there was a word for it until recently,” she began, trying to lift the weight and ‘blame’ off of Ranmaru by noting this was lifelong. “I’m a bit scared I’m wrong about it, though. I’ve never felt this uncertain yet so confident about anything in my life.”
Ranmaru leaned in ever so slightly, showing an interest in her every word, “I mean, depending on what it is, I might understand it?” He paused, a look of horror appearing on his face, “Oh god- Sara- do you have some terminal illness?”
She began shaking her head and waving her arms in front of her, “Oh no no no- this isn’t an illness- um. For most. Maybe it is for me. I don’t know.”
The boy tilted his head and laid his hand out on the table, “What is it, Sara? You can tell me anything.”
She looked at his hand and inhaled, trying her best to collect herself despite her fear and anticipation of rejection, “Well… the thing is…”
What? Thays she’s been lying to him all this time? Using him for her own gain in regards to self-discovery? God, she was selfish and despicable.
“I’ve… never understood a lot of people. I never understood myself. I’d always see my friends and our classmates find themselves in these situations that I myself could never see myself in,” she gulped. “Um… have you ever heard the word aromantic…? Maybe I should start with that.”
To her surprise, her boyfriend nodded, “Yeah, more or less. I mean, I’m asexual. Aromantic is basically that but romance, right? Little to no attraction?”
Her jaw almost dropped, shocked by what he knew. Not only that, but he was… asexual? She’d never heard that before. “Uh- yeah!! I think. I don’t know what asexual means er-“
“Little to no sexual attraction, basically.”
“Y-yeah! Right! Makes sense!” Well, that was something worth checking out.
Sara paused, trying to think a bit, “Well… I think I am. That?” She darted her eyes away from Ranmarus, scolding herself internally for not having the courage to face him. “I’m sorry. Maybe I don’t know what I’m saying.”
Ranmaru went silent, Sara having no idea what expression he’d have. She didn’t want to look, either.
“Ah, I see,” he spoke. “That’s fine.”
She began to breathe a bit faster, “H-huh?”
“It’s only little to none right? I don’t think that’s a problem. I’ve known aro people in relationships before. Er, heard of them. Didn’t know em but uh…”
Sara felt her heart pound more. He didn’t get it. He was focusing on the ‘little’ part. He didn’t seem to realize she didn’t want to be with him at all. This was scarier than the other outcomes she’d imagined.
“Shit- okay you’re panicking uh- sorry Sara, that’s not what I meant. I mean- you don’t have to be in a relationship with me if you don’t want to! Some aros avoid relationships and that’s okay!” Unseen to Sara was the boy's nervous expression, regret for his previous words clear in his knitted brows. “I’m- I’m not gonna make you be my girlfriend if you don’t want that. I want you to do whatever makes you happy, really!”
He was being so kind to her. He didn’t mean to scare her, of course, he didn’t. This was a guy who was willing to bend over backward for her- yet here she was, about to cry.
“S-sorry, Ranmaru. I’m sorry. I wanted to love you romantically, I did! I really did-“She was fidgeting with her hoodie, avoiding his gaze at all costs. “I’m sorry. I tried. I know you tried too- you’ve done a lot for me- I just…”
“Sara, it’s okay! R-relax okay? I’m not mad at you- I’m not going to be mean to you over this. It’s okay, really!”
She sniffed and wiped her eyes with her sleeve, “A-are you sure? God, I’m such a terrible girlfriend-“
Ranmaru held his hand out more with an open palm. It wasn’t an attempt at a romantic gesture like before, but seemed more like a supportive one. She took it, placing her curled fist into his hand. He accepted and gently squeezed it.
“You’re not a terrible ‘girlfriend’ Sara. You’re just uh… god this is gonna sound corny but- I guess you’re just someone who wasn’t meant to be a girlfriend…? Which is fine because I think that makes you a great friend. Or um. Something.”
She looked up from her sleeve with a slightly trembling lip, “O-okay- I agree. Um. Yeah, I’m sorry Ranmaru. I really am.”
“Don’t be. You found out a part of who you are, right? That’s something you should be embracing, not apologizing for.” He scratched the back of his neck, “Sure I don’t know everything, but what I do know is you’re an awesome person. I know you said you’ve dealt with it all your life as well. I’ve had similar with my asexuality.”
He sighed, “Like- I always thought people were joking when they talked about getting ‘turned on’ or being ‘horny’ and whatever. I didn’t realize they were actually attracted to people sexually, I seriously thought it was a strange joke- when I realized that, I felt sort of lonely.”
He moved his other hand down and began fidgeting with his necklace, “I remember I tried to understand, but I just couldn’t. It felt like something was wrong with me. But… I’ve come to terms with it. I want you to be able to come to terms with you being aro, too.”
Sara wiped what was left of her tears and unclenched her fist, now squeezing Ranmaru's hand, “T-thank you. Thank you. I don’t know what else to say just… thank you.”
She finally looked back into his eyes, “Thank you. Thank you for being understanding. If it’s okay… can we keep being friends?”
Ranmaru smiled, “Yeah, I’d like that.”