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When Buck was younger, young enough that Evan was still the best name in the world. Back when Evan only meant a name given to him by his parents because they loved him. Back when Evan was still Just Evan, he was running through his school yard.
A fenced off area separating him from the big kids that had a huge sandbox that had to be better than his, a huge tree that had to be better than the small stick ones he had, and definitely a huge field which he didn’t have. His yard was mostly concrete. One he ran across in this memory.
He was playing tag, at least, he thinks that is why he was running across the pavement. The memory is fuzzy between those young ages and the rest of his time at middle school.
Evan felt the breeze on his face, a grin pushing his cheeks up to his blue eyes making him practically blind. He called out to the little girl in front of him, one of his closest friends at the time. She smiles back at him, her face out of focus as his little brain turns to what is in front of him. A small little critter, a bee. As it buzzes along he goes to finish his sentence, yelling louder until he starts to choke. Only for a second, his breath must have caught. But when you are young you don’t understand such things. And when he looked through his now glittering eyes he couldn’t see the bee.
He felt it, a panic washing over himself. Filling my lungs until he was crawling in his own skin. Crashing against barriers to just take another breath. Why couldn’t he just breathe? It was just a bee, maybe he didn’t even swallow it? It could’ve just gone up? God, just breathe Evan. Breathe-
..When you are young, you don’t understand that your mind isn’t as fast as a bee’s ability to fly. Your mind is your greatest power , they say to you. So his brain failing him at this moment wasn’t even a concept to the young boy. That thought only comes to him years later when he goes to think of this moment.
When you are young, you don’t realize that your brain will fail you over, and over, and over. But it is a concept he thinks of now. Lying in bed with only himself and an AC unit instead of fresh air as a companion.
The concept of that little girl you run after leaves you as fast as that bee flew. It circles your head and adds to that clawing feeling in your throat. The feeling of believing something that wasn’t true. The feeling of believing that you swallowed a bee that flew faster than you ran. The feeling of believing that you could love someone so much that they couldn’t leave you faster than you could run.
Evan, in some cultures, means “youth”. It’s funny and perfect when he thinks about it more. The fact he left that name behind when he finally landed on the career he would become an adult for, dropping the childish ways of Buck 1.0.
Dropping the childish ways after messing up multiple times, failing to get a hang of things, getting yelled at like a little kid. He isn’t a little kid, hasn’t been since he packed his bags and left with Maddie’s jeep.
Hasn’t been a kid since leaving his hometown felt more like he was being left behind more than the other way around.
But that isn’t right. Evan packed the bags. Evan told his sister the plan of him leaving. Evan had that fight with his parents that ended their relationship. Evan drove that jeep away when he had nothing else but spite in his back pockets.
When you are young, you don’t understand that your brain will fail you over, and over, and over. That it will lie over, and over, and over. Even when you want to face the truth. That believing in something that wasn’t true gets you nowhere, that the feeling in the back of your throat was just an itch, that Evan may have packed his bags but only after Maddie gave him her approval to leave, that Evan told his sister the plan of them leaving not him, that Evan had that fight with his parents that ended nothing that wasn’t already 6-feet under, that Evan drove that jeep away with nothing. No spite could be given to the people who already sent him off to die.
Buckley, in some cultures, means “deer meadow”. It’s more ironic when he thinks about it than funny. That the family that wasn’t truly a family had the last name that represents a sanctuary for only themselves.
Evan left that sanctuary behind, slipping from the place of beauty that was only a picture of perfection. Underneath the frame was a prison meant for the death of their son. The death he barely escaped.
He left and he ran. He ran away as fast as he could, anywhere he could. Running around all of America. And when Buck arrived at his final destination, he still ran as fast as he could to catch up to where the others were. He belonged for once, found his meadow on his own without needing to fight it too much. A few hiccups at the beginning meant nothing, right? So long as he was now here. The place he needed to be.
He was comfortable, at ease. In a state he hasn’t been in since he was little, playing tag with a little girl with his worst fear being a bee sting to the stomach.
I mean, when you are young, you don’t realize that your brain will fail you over, and over, and over. But Buck knew that now. He just had to be better than his brain allowed him to be. Be better than anyone allowed him to be. And that fact was the truth, he could identify these feelings. That the bee flew faster than he could run, that Devon was just out of his reach and there was no way he could fall faster than Buck could catch him, right? Buck had to be faster now, he had to be better than that.
Right?
Oh.
Buck wasn’t fast at all. He was weak. He was pathetic. God, could you imagine? Being so childish and so, so foolish. He wasn’t anything. He wasn’t Buck, he was Just Evan. Just a Buckley in a cold home without anyone around.
But he could get better again, Bobby didn’t have to fire him again. He could be better this time. He could be worth the chances.
(When you are young, you don’t realize that your brain will fail you over, and over, and over. The feeling of believing something that wasn’t true. The feeling of believing that you swallowed a bee that flew faster than you ran. The feeling of her nails digging into his skin as she holds onto his thigh. The truth of him asking if she friended him on facebook. The lie that is on her lips that she holds, deciding to say “delete that” instead. The feeling of her lies now on his lips as she kisses him. Her lies spread to his lips as he spoke to his co-workers later. The feeling of believing that someone could love you so much that you couldn’t leave faster than they could touch.)
Eddie, in some cultures, means “rich in friendship”. This is ironic and funny considering the fact that Buck can’t stand the guy. He does everything perfectly like he has done this a million times over. Like he couldn’t make any mistakes even if he tries. He is quiet, mysterious. Completely different from Buck who wanted to be loud and friendly so they wouldn’t dislike him. So they wouldn’t leave him.
But that had to be the wrong approach because they don’t play pranks on him like they did with Buck. Shut down Buck’s attempts to be passive aggressive like they were to him on his first day. Shut down all attempts Buck makes to keep his family as his.
And Eddie, well, he just keeps going. Like this means nothing. Like Buck is nothing but a person he can replace to get what he wants. Like he can be everything Buck wants to be and more.
And Buck, Buck can’t take anyone leaving him again. Couldn’t after his parents, couldn’t after Maddie, couldn’t after Ab-
No, nope. Abby is gonna come back. Just a.. trip without Buck. A break from Buck that he knows everyone needs. No one would stay if they didn’t.
He is just too much. Too much of everything. Too kind, too mean, too stubborn, too much of a pushover, too relaxed, too freaked out, too loyal, too distrusting, too, too, too.
So, he gets it. He gets it, alright? Can everyone just stop looking at him? Can Eddie stop looking at him with that knowing look? With his words of knowledge like he just knows everything about Buck and his whole person. Can Buck just have a break like everyone gets from him?
(When you are young, you don’t realize that your brain will fail you over, and over, and over. The feeling of believing something that wasn’t true. The feeling of believing that you swallowed a bee that flew faster than you ran. The feeling of believing that you could love someone so much that they couldn’t leave you faster than you could run. Wouldn’t.)
Abby will come back and everyone will be proven wrong. It is just a break, not a break- up.
She will be here. She won’t leave him.
Maddie, in some cultures, means “strength in battle”. Which is not funny at all but perfect in every sense. Maddie is the strongest person he knows. Stronger than he will ever be.
And when they get past the awkward part where he thinks it's Abby in her- theirs- his? the shower. He knows it's true. The name’s meaning is shown all over her face. Like she was just given extra strength in a battle but it is slowly leaving her, adreadline wearing off.
So Buck takes care of her like she took care of him, he waits on her, serves her. She gives him his own strength back as he gives her the care she needs to live.
He doesn’t want the strength to ever go away but he knows she will leave again, he isn’t stupid. He just hopes that this time he will get a warning in advance.
Christopher, in some cultures, means “bearing christ”. Like the name Evan, it is funny and perfect at the same time. The fact he met this child and he was given a light into a new world he could never imagine to have for himself.
Perfect, in the way that it makes so much sense. With Christopher being the reason Eddie opened up to Buck in the first place, cracking both Eddie’s mysterious and quiet exterior and Buck’s rude and cocky one. Perfect, in the way that he gained a best friend and a chance to know such a sweet kid all in one. A kid that restores light. A kid that smiles like he is a gift to him. A kid who does and says everything right in a way Buck never did as a kid. A kid who is a kid. A kid who heals Buck’s inner child by just surviving- no- living .
Funny, in the way of a hysteria. A disbelief that all he wants to do is laugh at the world for messing up so bad that he, Buck, was gifted this child. That a man who is nothing could be given everything.
( When you are young, you don’t understand that your brain will fail you over, and over, and over. That it will lie over, and over, and over. Even when you want to face the truth. That believing in something that wasn’t true gets you nowhere, that the feeling in the back of your throat was just an itch, the feeling of believing that you could love someone so much that the world wouldn’t rip you away from them that quickly, taking them faster than you could run, no, swim .)
Chaos, in all cultures, will mean the same thing. Will have the same outcome.
Now, when Buck was older, old enough that Christopher was now the best name in the world and was connected to the best boy in the world. A boy with a name meaning “bearing christ”.
Now, when Christopher meant so much to so many, a name given by his parents but meant love from him, from Eddie, from Eddie’s family, from Buck’s family, from their family. Now, when Christopher was Buck’s best friend and Buck’s was Christopher, he was running through the pier.
On the day of the start of chaos.
A fenced off area separating them from the large body of water that had huge waves that had to be better than whatever movie they were going to see, a huge sky line that had to be better than the small version they would see through the trees at the zoo, and definitely a huge grin that reminded Buck of his when he was still Just Evan. And Christopher said in reply he wanted to be a firefighter. The question, “what do you want to be when you are older”, a question that Buck took years to answer right .
Buck almost forgot they had a conversation about it.
He was too busy thinking of playing tag, at least, he thinks that is why he was running across the pavement. The memory is fuzzy between those young ages and the rest of his time at middle school.
Now, he at least could say why he was running, he knows, he thinks.
Because right now he isn’t thinking about it, he just knows he has to get them out of here.
Later, when his thoughts stop playing Get Christopher to safety, save Christopher, fix this, save him, save- where is Christopher- Where.. WHERE-
.. He will think of the breeze he felt on his face just before, a grin pushing his cheeks up to his blue eyes making him practically blind. Or that could be of course from the sun that shines over Christopher who he is keeping steady. He called out to the little boy in front of him, one of his closest friends. And he smiles back at him, his face out of focus as he turns to see what is behind him. A non-existent ocean until he knows will be the giant wave arriving. It will rush along to the shore- he goes to stand, yelling louder at everyone now until he starts to choke. Only for a second, his breath must have caught. The fear hitting him before it will hit the citizens on the pier. Before it will hit Christopher- because he knows what that non-existent water means.
But when you are young you don’t understand such things. And when he looked through his now glittering eyes he couldn’t see the boy.
He couldn’t see Christopher.
Trauma, in all cultures, will mean the same thing. Will have the same outcome. But Buck isn’t allowed such a thing.
Trauma is for the boy who was lost at sea and was held by a stranger not his babysitter, his best friend who should’ve just held on to him- the boy who was alone but surrounded by people. The boy who asked for his Buck and his Buck didn’t come.
Trauma is for the boy who wakes up with nightmares every night, not the man who does the same. Trauma is for the boy who wakes up and calls for the one person who can’t come, not the man who calls for one of the many, many people who can’t come. Trauma is for the boy who fights every day to just keep swimming with that matra on repeat, not the man who does the same but fails miserably.
Because he caused that boy to wake up with nightmares every night, caused that boy to be unable to call for the one man he wanted, caused that boy to hear those words and see it as a way to live. To survive.
It doesn’t matter if Buck caused those nightmares because he wanted to have a good day for once since the fire truck bombing. It doesn’t matter if Buck sued the department to stop the nightmares he was having. It doesn’t matter if that matra was the one thing keeping them both alive and allowing them to heal after Buck’s attempt only pushed him further into isolation and that boy further from healing.
It doesn’t matter.
Nothing matters but that boy who just called out to his best friend just before fear flooded his lungs like the water he coughed out. Not the boy who called out to his best friend just before panic crashed into him from his throat to his soul, crawled through his skin against barriers until he took another breath, and another, and another-
..When you are young, you don’t understand that your mind isn’t as fast as a bee’s ability to fly. That your mind isn’t as fast as a tsunami’s huge wave.
Your mind is your greatest power , they say to you as children. So his brain failing him wasn’t even a concept to the young boy, wasn’t even one to Evan at that age. Survival of the fittest, comes after when you are older. They never tell you this, not truly. They say this in reference to animals and their prey. But when your mind has finally come to realize it is its own greatest enemy, it learns from itself.
It learns that when it is you against a mindless wave, you will lose.
You will lose it all before then, before you made the decision to go to the pier, before you even met up with the boy and his father. It won’t be when you throw up blood when you finally get better, but when what you are recovering from takes place.
When you crush your leg to a boy struggling in his own mind, you will have lost it all. Survival of the fittest , because when a predator locks onto its target there is nowhere for you to go even when you are the kindest, the smartest, the youngest.
When you are young, you don’t realize that your brain will fail you over, and over, and over. The feeling of believing something that wasn’t true. The feeling of believing that you swallowed a bee that flew faster than you ran. The feeling of believing that you could love someone so much that they couldn’t leave you faster than you could run.
“There is no one I trust more with my son than you.” The feeling of pure disbelief but relief coming from one sentence.
Or maybe it was everything, they way Eddie steps closer. Grabbing the back of his neck in a gentle way, staring into his eyes with so much certainty, so much feeling.
Thankfulness, joy, pride, compassion, .. love, all in their most pure forms. A tension, a feeling, so thick that it could be cut with a knife.
And Buck knows his face shined with the same feelings underneath the confusion and doubt.
Now Buck knows that all his face shows is sadness.
Eddie, in some cultures, means “rich in friendship”. This is ironic and funny considering the fact that Eddie can no longer stand Buck. He does everything with hatred and cruelty like he has done this a million times over. Practicing in his head how to hurt him. Like he couldn’t imagine any mistakes in the speech even if he tried but could pinpoint all of Buck’s.
Now Buck is quiet, mysterious. Completely different from the Buck who wanted to be loud and friendly so they wouldn’t dislike him even more than they did when he first walked into the store. So they wouldn’t leave him behind immediately. So they would let him get a word in before they could say the words, “Goodbye, Buck.”
Buck knew it was the wrong approach just like he did when Eddie first joined the 118. So he went quiet, let Eddie be the loud and cruel one. Let Eddie use Buck as a punching bag if only it would let him stay next to him. If only to let Eddie reach out first, to touch Buck even if it was to harm.
But that had to also be the wrong approach because Eddie shuts down all Buck’s attempts to quietly explain. Shuts down Buck’s attempts to be more than quiet. Shut down all Buck’s desperate attempts to get back into their lives and keep his family as his.
And Eddie, well, he just keeps going. Like this means nothing. Like Buck is nothing but a person he can use and hurt to get what he wants. Like he knows he is everything Buck wants to have and more.
And Buck, Buck can’t take anyone leaving him again. Couldn’t after his parents, couldn’t after Maddie, couldn’t after the first few times he was fired, couldn’t after the bombing, couldn’t after the tsunami, couldn’t after the lawsuit, couldn’t after Ed-
No, nope. Eddie is gonna come back. They are gonna come back. After it is revealed that he dropped the lawsuit they would all come back. They would be a family again.
It will just.. take some time. Some time without the annoyance of Regular Buck. A break from Buck that he knows everyone needs. Knew Abby needed it. And knows they all need it now. No one would stay if they didn’t.
When they stay they see it and have to leave. And when they go they realize how much better it is and just don’t come back.. So no one stays when they need a break from Buck either.
Because he is just too much. Too much of everything. Too kind (Maybe it sounded too condescending?), too mean (Maybe his jokes go too far, he can cut back on the jokes! He can!), too stubborn (He will listen all the time, do everything the Captain Nash says!), too much of a pushover (He can do everything he is told to do but not what the others should, just what his chores are so he isn’t going into others work.. But what if they ask him too? How can he-), too relaxed (How can he be not stubborn but not be a pushover either? Oh! He can’t relax if he is doing what he is told and everything he isn’t, or is that being a pushover? Or what if he should relax? But that could be lazy-), too freaked out (-so maybe freaking out is better than too relaxed? If he is too relaxed then he doesn’t care. God this is-), too loyal (Easy! It’s easy, he just doesn’t interact when they don’t want him to!-), too distrusting (But is that too distrusting? Too much of a pushover? Too stubborn-), too, too, too. (GOD- this is too much!)
So, he gets it. He gets it, alright? But can everyone just, please, look at him? Can Eddie go back to looking at him with that knowing look? With words of kindness and compassion and love.. instead of-
“Because you're exhausted!”
(When you are young, you don’t realize that your brain will fail you over, and over, and over. The feeling of believing something that was true, but now isn’t all because you couldn’t see what was right in front of you. The feeling of believing that you swallowed a bee that flew faster than you ran, flying behind you instead of inside you. The feeling of believing that you could love someone so much that they couldn’t leave you faster than you could run, and then proving you wrong by running further.)
Edmundo, in some cultures, means “wealthy protector”. Like Buckley, it’s more ironic when he thinks about it than funny. But it is perfect. It represents how he holds Christopher over Buck’s head. Protects Chris from the known threat than the one he can not see.
It is easier to hide Chris away from the man who showed him how cruel the world can be, showed him the chill of nature instead of the nurture he would expect at that young age. It is easier for all parties to be able to hide Christopher from the man who took him to the waves and left him when it rushed towards him. Left him in the aftermath to pick himself back up. Left him to the cruelty that is external forces.
So Buck needs to just suck it up and take it.
Even though the little boy is just out of reach and he wants. Wants to be there in the aftermath, taking a cloth to the tears as they stream like a river because of a much larger wave of water. Wants to be there to hide him from it all instead of being the one to hide from. But all Buck can do is sit there and take it. Take the ache in his arm as he stretches it out of his own limitations.
When you are young, you don’t realize that your brain will fail you over, and over, and over but you do understand that when you close your eyes, horrors will be behind them. And that feeling of believing something that wasn’t true will come to you when you open your eyes again. The knowing that you escaped and the feeling that you escaped are two separate things that no one else sees as different.
(The feeling of believing that you swallowed a bee that flew faster than you ran. The feeling of believing that you could love someone so much that they couldn’t leave you faster than you could run.)
Buck knows this now that he is grown, and all he wants to do is hide the best child he had ever met to those understandings.
And when he closes his eyes he wakes knowing that Christopher knows this too. Before the tsunami. Before Buck even came into his life. But not before his mother left the first time. Christopher went through the same realization he did.
That happens to be Buck’s greatest horror. Knowing that the world failed Christopher so much but he still remains the happiest person he has ever known.
(And if Buck stays up one night with the realization that his team- his family - has said the same thing about him, that is his business.)
Maybe that is why Eddie keeps him away from Christopher, because he hasn’t come to the same cruel realization that Buck did. Christopher's nightmares didn’t start with Buck’s actions but his wife’s. Or maybe, Buck is the one who is too cruel by projecting onto a dead woman.
Maybe it is because Eddie knows of that fact, that Christopher knows about the failure of his own mind and he blames Buck for it. Sees that Buck’s understanding runs as a mantra in his head. In his eyes as he looks into the mirror on cold nights. Bags highlighting that numbness, the anger, the grief, the emotion. The pain.
In his blood as it seeps out of his body, onto pavement, onto grass, into water, into bandages they place onto him as he does something stupid again. Something stubborn. Something reckless. It contaminates them. Haunts them until they go through something traumatic like he is a magnet for impurity.
In his lungs as he breathes, on his lips as he speaks. Coughs through lungfull gasps his apologies.
In his chest as Eddie hugs him, accepts the sorries and the tears.
(Beside this mantra are Eddie’s words. To suck it up, that they all have their own problems, that he is exhausting)
Eddie sees all this and understands that he is a danger to their- his son.
Buck, in some cultures, means “deer”. It isn’t funny, or ironic, or perfect. Buck doesn’t even go into more detail on this one. Not like he researches the meaning behind Hen and Henrietta, Chimney and Howard, Athena, or Robert and Bobby. Not like he thinks about Maddie and Christopher and Eddie-
He doesn’t because he knows that whatever nice thing it has to say about him won’t prove to his family that he deserves forgiveness for the lawsuit, for the stubbornness, for the injuries, for the rudeness.
It won’t bring them comfort so there is no point in searching for a good in him that comes from something so simple as a name.
..But Buck means rebirth, healing, strength, and authority. It means to overcome and be devoted to caring.
And even if that won’t make it better for the others, won’t get them to see his mistake the way he does, won’t get things back to how they were.. It comforts Buck, grounds him.
In an unstable place with nothing other than himself, Buck keeps going with the knowledge his name means something. Part of him is healing for others, part of him is strong enough to get him through this, part of him is the gift of the name Buck.
This starts a rabbit hole for him, his new favorite research deepdive being the importance of names.
“ Names stir emotion-” the article states. “ They shape identity, carrying connections from generations, culture, and your own individuality. They give your identity something external, something people can latch onto and get to know you by. They represent who you are by being who you are.”
Buck goes in the next day, with a skip in his step and a faint smile on his face, finally being able to go on calls again.
He heads into the locker room. In his hand he has his duffle bag and when he gets closer to his locker he drops it on the bench, reaching inside to grab his tiny and ripped lined piece of paper.
Looking over the whole space he tucks it into the back of his locker, hidden by gear and his photos of his family- his family of Bobby and Athena and Harry and May and Maddie and Chim and Hen and Karen and Denny and Eddie and Christopher- it’s just a list. It doesn’t mean much, he tells himself.
But he knows if it didn’t mean so much he wouldn’t have it with the collection of photos, wouldn’t have it at all.
-
Robert - Bright Flame
Athena - Goddess of Wisdom and War
Harry - Ruler
May - Goddess of Spring (Maia)
Maddie - Strength in Battle
Howard - High Defender
Henrietta - Keeper of the House
Karen - Pure
Denny - Follower of Dionysus
Eddie - Rich in Friendship
Christopher - Bearing Christ
Buck - Deer Rebirth
-
…
(When Buck was younger, young enough that Evan was still the best name in the world. Back when Evan only meant a name given to him by his parents because they loved him. Back when Evan was still Just Evan, he was running through his school yard.
A fenced off area separating him from the big kids that had a huge sandbox that had to be better than his- it wasn’t. Evan ended up realizing the other sandbox was bigger when he got to the higher grades- , a huge tree that had to be better than the small stick ones he had- it was, and when he switched to the higher grades in the coming years he would sneak back into that yard to sit by the tree- , and definitely a huge field which he didn’t have- Evan got his first concussion in those fields, playing american football with his friends- . His yard was mostly concrete. One he ran across in this memory.
He was playing tag, at least, he thinks that is why he was running across the pavement. The memory is fuzzy between those young ages and the rest of his time at middle school- still he knows it was the best time of his life.
Evan felt the breeze on his face, a grin pushing his cheeks up to his blue eyes making him practically blind. He called out to the little girl in front of him, one of his closest friends at the time- they are still in touch, if barely, he wishes her a happy birthday every year, every holiday -. She smiles back at him, her face out of focus as his little brain turns to what is in front of him. A small little critter, a bee. As it buzzes along he goes to finish his sentence, yelling louder until he starts to choke. Only for a second, his breath must have caught. But when you are young you don’t understand such things. And when he looked through his now glittering eyes he couldn’t see the bee.
He felt it, a panic washing over himself. Filling my lungs until he was crawling in his own skin. Crashing against barriers to just take another breath. Why couldn’t he just breathe? It was just a bee, maybe he didn’t even swallow it? It could’ve just gone up? God, just breathe Evan. Breathe-
This is an overreaction. Evan simply felt it and moved on like all kids do. This panic lasted only a few seconds. The girl didn’t notice and Buck wasn’t going to point it out either because-
When you are young, you don’t realize that your brain will fail you over, and over, and over because most of the time it doesn’t hurt you, just fails you. What you knew to be was all just fantasy. A little voice inside your head whispering all for your suffering. That is the feeling of believing something that wasn’t true that tricks you. The feeling of believing that you swallowed a bee that flew faster than you ran, even though you didn’t. The feeling of believing that you could love someone so much that they couldn’t leave you faster than you could run, even though they are running towards you.
You just have to extend your reach.
You just have to call their name.