Archive of Our Own

Suguru hadn’t known love until he first met you. 

Everything that led up to you was somehow minuscule compared to the emotions that coursed through his veins whenever he saw you. He wasn’t aware of how fast a heart could beat, how his lungs could falter from merely being in the presence of another person. He wasn’t even quite sure what he’d done to achieve someone like you. We were made for each other , you always told him. In his opinion, he believed he was made for you . Crafted and designed to love you. Not because you needed to have someone like him, but because he needed someone like you. Someone to care for and love.

It was your birthday, and just like he had done every year before this, Suguru was planning on making your dinner. He liked doing it, it made him feel like he was doing something right. It was the least he could do for you, after everything you’ve done for him. He thinks you don’t even know the half of it . 

“Shit.” Suguru murmurs under his breath as he searches the freezer. He could have sworn he bought the meat for tonight, but it was nowhere to be found. 

“Did you find it yet?” He hears your voice call from the couch. 

He doesn’t really have the heart to tell you that no , he hadn’t found it. His lip twitches as he pushes aside all the useless ingredients, looking in places he had already checked three times over. 

Suguru is so focused on the fridge in front of him that he doesn’t even hear your feet padding into the kitchen. 

Tender hands wrap around him from behind, yanking him from his despair. When he looks over his shoulder he sees you behind him, peeking over with curious eyes. 

“I'm sorry baby.” He speaks quietly, turning around to the fridge again. 

He shuts the freezer and faces you, taking you into his arms. It’s nice like this, having you pushed up against him. It makes him feel like he’s protecting you. 

“What’re you sorry for?” You ask. 

You reach your hands up and place a palm on either side of his face. Your mouth drops open as you hold him. 

“Suguru, you’re freezing .” You scold. “How long were you looking in there?” 

He hadn’t realized how cold he was until your warm fingers pressed into his cheek. He nuzzles against you and allows his lids to flutter closed, indulging in the warmth you provide. 

“Only a little bit.” He says. He would rather die than tell you he’s been here for ten minutes . 

“No luck though, huh?” You don’t seem sad when you ask this, and Suguru can’t figure out why. 

He feels like he ruined your birthday. 

“Unfortunately no, but I’m gonna go head down to the store to pick it up. I shouldn’t be gone long.” 

“I don’t want you to go, though!” 

You have an exaggerated frown playing on your lips as you tug his arm. 

“Baby, you need food. I promise it’ll be-“ 

“Why don’t we go out to eat?” You propose. 

He’s looking at you with raised brows, watching partly in amusement. It wasn’t an awful idea, but he much rather preferred to cook for you himself. It was like a gift that way, although he bought you plenty of those too . He nearly felt giddy at the idea of how you would react to each present, all hiding in various places around the house. You always told him he didn't have to get you anything, so he had to get creative in his hiding spots.

“What, you hate my cooking?” He jokes, pulling back to straighten your clothes. 

At first you would snap at him when he mindlessly groomed you like this, but you had gotten used to it. It was just another avenue for him to show his love, fixing your attire like a mother would.

“Ugh, it’s the worst!” You joke back. 

Both of you were well aware of how much you loved his cooking . 

“A shame.” He murmurs. 

“We never go out, it’s been ages since we’ve gone somewhere nice. Don’t you think it would be fun? That way, you wouldn’t have to slave over the stove for me.” 

“But what if I want to slave over the stove for you?” 

“There will always be another time.” You squeeze his arm. 

You’re right . He can always do it for you for your next birthday. 

“If you say so.” Suguru presses his lips against yours. 

~~~

It’s a chilly night, the black sky above you providing no heat as you head out of the restaurant. You’re cradling your stomach as if you were 8 months pregnant, while one of your arms is wrapped around his. You’re chattering his ears off, but Suguru doesn’t mind. The night felt perfect, he wasn’t sure how it could get any better. 

The two of you are making your way to your parked car, not in a rush. You have all the time in the world . You’re strumming his hand as you talk, only letting go when he pulls your door open for you.

Suguru crosses the car and slides into the driver's seat, not backing out until your seat belt is on. The drive is calming, your windows rolled down to let in the night air as you quietly sing along to the radio.

“Was it a good birthday?” Suguru asks, tossing a look your way before focusing on the road. 

“It was perfect.” You promise, your eyes twinkling.

Suguru starts to think about which gift he wants you to open first.

“Hey Suguru?” You ask.

“Yeah?” Suguru looks up from the wheel to see your face. 

Your brows are furrowed together as you look forward. Something wasn’t right .

“What is that guy doing?” You speak quietly.

Suguru turns his head forward, his foot on the brake as the car sits at a red light. There’s another car in front of you, driving towards you. He isn’t slowing down for the light, and Suguru can feel his pulse pick up. 

“I don’t-“ Suguru starts. 

The driver presses on the gas even harder, his car jerking, now hurdling in your direction. Suguru only has half a second to throw his arm across your front, shoulder covering part of your body.

…

Love makes you do crazy things . 

Love can make you feel unstoppable. 

Love can make you cover your partner in a car accident without a second thought. 

The movies never get it right , Suguru thinks. People always talk about the pain, how much it hurts. But Suguru doesn’t feel pain. He doesn’t feel anything . He wishes it was more accurate, that way he could have been prepared. 

It was loud, so loud. 

Metal on metal, tires screeching. It also smelled . Gas, fire, and burning something . Was it plastic ? He had never smelled something so atrocious. Suguru turns his head to locate you and sees you motionless, your beautiful lids fluttered shut. Is that blood ? Something’s reflecting on your forehead and he hopes to god it’s not blood. 

He attempts to say your name, but nothing comes out. It’s as if his voice box has been completely removed, leaving a gaping hole in his throat. His fingers twitch as he tries to move to help you. 

Move, move . 

He’s begging his useless body to do something, anything . It’s never cooperated with him, lest of all when he needs it most. 

Suguru thinks he hears yelling. Was that a woman ? It’s a voice he’s never heard before, and she’s saying something he can’t quite decipher. His head is spinning as he tries to focus on the voice, but it isn't easy. It's all becoming overwhelming, each of his senses being amplified. The sight and sound alone was enough to leave him breathless.

Red lights . 

Cops. 

No , not cops. 

An ambulance. 

He hopes it’s an ambulance. You really needed one .

Suguru tries to focus as he strains his ears to listen for your breathing. He could feel his eyelids get heavier and heavier, his sheer willpower being the only thing keeping him awake. There’s more tires screeching and the ambulance has arrived, heavy footfalls running to your car. 

Good.

Good .

Help is here.

It would all be alright. 

Everything would be fine .

~~~

When his eyes open, he sees white. He must have been in a hospital, the clinical setting surrounding him. No one was in his room. Not even you. You were in worse shape from what he remembers, so he understands. 

He isn’t in as much pain as he would’ve expected from being in a car accident, but he’s glad. Suguru looks down and wiggles his fingers, then his toes. Good . He isn’t missing anything. He knows you would’ve taken care of him if he was missing something, but he would rather soon die than make you do something like that. 

Suguru sits up and notices he isn’t attached to any monitors, which is odd. He figures he probably didn’t need them though, so he quickly pushes the thought aside. He might as well look for you since he was able. You could have been really hurt, and he wouldn’t have been able to rest until he learned where you were. 

The hospitals halls are a scary place, even for Suguru. He knows many great things happen in hospitals, but there’s also a lot of tragedy too. He tries not to think about all the death as he walks down the halls. There are nurses and doctors pushing past him, paying him no mind. They were busy . He could see it in their droopy eyes as they locate room numbers and run to codings. 

He finds the nurses station and speaks up, finding two women sitting at the desks. 

“Excuse me?” He says. 

Nothing. 

Weird . 

“Uh, I’m looking for someone.” 

Suguru says your name, but neither of them turn to him. 

Okay, maybe they were too engrossed in their conversation. 

His eyes flick down where he sees a chart, and at the very top of the list was your name. Room A93. That wasn’t too far from here. 

He spares them one last glance before turning around to locate your room. His heart flutters (not in the good way) when he gets closer to the door. Could he handle seeing you hooked up to a million monitors ? Could he handle seeing other people take care of you ? Suguru pushes through it. He needs to see you. He comes to a stop outside your room and hears voices coming from inside, talking to you. 

“And where is Suguru?” He picks up on your voice, the sound instantly warming his heart. 

“He’s… not in good shape.” 

He wasn’t ? 

He felt great. 

Suguru pokes his head around the door and finds a tall woman with tanned skin and long dark hair. She must be the doctor . 

“What do you mean?” You ask.

The doctor straightens, tired eyes looking up at you. 

“He was intubated, he lost a lot of blood and sustained a head injury. My team had to put him in a medically induced coma. I actually was coming here to talk to you about whether or not he wanted to be on life support.” 

What ? 

“I'm sorry, what are you talking about?” Your body is turned towards her, anticipation leaking from your pores.

“You’re married, aren’t you? I trust that the two of you have gone over it?” 

You haven't looked his way, not even once. 

“Let me see him.” You’re sitting up, wobbling as your frail body attempts to hold you up. 

You don’t see him right now ? 

“I'm not sure that’s a good idea.” The doctor comments, her voice heavy as if she knows something you don’t. 

“ Please .” 

The doctor softly sighs and dips her head once, acknowledging your desperation. She relents, aiding you in getting up. You can’t do it on the first try, your face wincing in pain as you ease yourself off the bed. The doctor is patient as she helps you, because of course she is .

Suguru follows you to his room, throat dry as he stares at the IV stand in your hands. What was happening ? 

“Suguru?” His heart shatters at the way your voice cracks. 

He turns the door and comes to a halt behind you, looking over your shoulder. He was looking at himself . His motionless body was laying in the hospital bed, looking more helpless than he had ever felt in his whole life. 

“What happened?” You ask, your eyes never leaving his bed.

“There was an accident. I was told that he took the brunt of the crash to cover you. He’s not…” The doctor looks anxiously between you and him. “I don’t think he’s going to make it.” 

The room is quiet, eerily so as you process the news the doctor gave you. There’s a steady beeping sound coming from behind his body, the only sign of life. By all accounts, he looked dead. Suguru flicks his eyes up and notices a brain monitor attached to him, but the line was flat. How was that possible ? Was he in some space between life and death right now? 

You rip the IV from your arm and run up to the bed, collapsing beside his body. Suguru can see blood begin to pool from your forearm, dark red trickling down your wrist as you force yourself against his bed.

“Suguru! Wake up!” You’re shaking his body, voice trembling and loud as tears begin to fall from your eyes. 

He doesn’t wake up . His useless body doesn’t even flinch.

“You asshole ! Wake up!” You’re in hysterics as you shake him, and Suguru feels himself choke on a tear. 

“We need to discuss-“ The doctor starts.

“ Don’t do this to me ! You gotta wake up!” 

Suguru is beside you now, standing above your crumbled form. You’ve never looked so small before . Your tears are staining the sheets beside his body as you hold his hand, your other arm clawing at his chest. Suguru can’t tell which hurts more, watching himself or looking at you. 

He needs to comfort you . 

He needs to make you smile . 

But he can’t . He can’t do anything. Suguru is forced to stand by your side as you cry until you lose your voice, until all of your words blur together and no one can understand what you’re saying. 

The doctor stays with you the entire time, remaining quiet as you sob. She wanted to comfort you, but she also needed an answer. And the truth of the matter was, Suguru never wanted to be on life support . It was a discussion you had early on in your marriage. He didn't want to be a burden. You respected his decision at the time, never in a million years thinking you would have to uphold his choice.

~~~

It’s raining the day they pull the plug on Suguru. He always did like the rain . It made for perfect nights in with a warm drink and his favorite book. Obviously with you by his side . That’s not what he’s thinking about when he sees the sky the day he dies. All he can think about is how your tears match the droplets, how god must be crying for you. He hated it . You said it was fitting. It was one of the only things you said on that day.

Suguru watches as his body gets whisked away, he told himself he couldn’t watch the embalming process, but when it happens he can’t look away. It felt unreal . His body was cold to the touch, pale as it lay on the metal table. He didn't look real . He watches with curious eyes as they pump him full of fluids in an attempt to immortalize his youth and beauty. He overhears the morticians talking. Not even thirty years old , they mumble. All Suguru can think about is how you weren’t even thirty. The word ‘widow’ was meant for older people whose partners died in natural circumstances, not for someone like yourself. Plump cheeks and a full life ahead of you.

It’s sunny when his funeral is held. He’s glad for that, he dreaded the idea of you waiting out in the cold. You sit in the front with Satoru. Suguru expected you to be a wreck, you were at the hospital after all. But you aren’t . You sit quietly as each person speaks, your chin tucked into your chest. Your eyes are glassy as you listen. You were checked out . He wanted to take a peek into your brain to see what memory you were reliving. Was it the time you both vacationed in the Bahamas? Or was it when you talked for hours about your favorite book? Those were his favorite memories, but he didn't know yours. He never thought to ask before. Now he wouldn’t have the chance to .

You refuse to let anyone help you make it home, I’m fine you said. You weren’t fine . Anyone with a pair of eyes could see that. All the people surrounding you tried to offer words of comfort, promises to help falling from their lips. You wave them off as you set off down the sidewalk towards your apartment. You hadn’t been in a car since the incident .

The second you close your front door you collapse onto your floor, your knees hitting the ground with a hard thud. You let out the most ear piercing wail. Suguru didn’t know people were capable of making noises like that. He didn’t have a body anymore, but he swore he felt chills creep over his skin. 

You keep screaming, and screaming, and screaming . Suguru hears a loud pounding and turns his head to the door. Someone was here . The pounding resumes and he hears his best friend call out, trying to get your attention. You aren’t listening. You don’t care about anything outside these four walls. 

Satoru twists the knob hoping by some miracle it would unlock. Unfortunately, you had the foresight to lock the door before falling to pieces. Satoru relents in using the knob and tries bumping the door with his shoulder. It takes him a couple of tries before it splinters open. He's out of breath as he looks down at your figure. Your crumpled figure . 

Leave it to Satoru to follow you to ensure you got home safely. Suguru tells himself to repay Satoru, buy him that soda he likes , but then he remembers. He will never be able to repay him for anything again. 

He hopes a token of his gratitude is enough. 

You don’t register that Satoru is even there until he’s kneeling beside you, holding your body close to his. You thrash a bit, shoving him back but he doesn’t budge. Satoru takes it all, even though it hurts. 

“Hey, hey , I’m here.” He murmurs quietly to you. 

“He's gone! He's gone !” You’re heaving into the air, letting him rock you back and forth. 

“I know. I know .” 

“He's never coming back, Satoru!” 

You breathe in deeply, your chest sore from the meltdown. 

“Bring him back! Please, please Satoru!” 

Satoru grits his jaw as he holds you tight. It must be hard . Suguru mourns the loss of himself through you. He can feel the pain you’re in, it feels like a forest fire as it claws into him. 

You’re scratching at Satoru, as if you could dig your way back to Suguru.

Suguru has never felt so helpless before . How do you help someone when they’re mourning the loss of the love of their life? How do you console them when they will never see them again? How could he make you feel better? 

He can’t do anything . He's an outsider in his own home, watching the people who were closest to him.

Satoru grips you as you sob, occasionally rocking your frame back and forth. He doesn’t say anything. There really isn't anything to say. The living room quiets down as your screaming becomes sniffling. Suguru doesn’t know how much time has passed. Satoru refuses to let go until he feels your breathing slow down, your body going limp in his hold. 

Satoru never leaves. He just sets you on your bed before making his way to the couch. He looks just as fucked up as you do. Suguru doesn’t think he’s ever seen his friend in such a bad state before. Eyes that had previously been so bright were now dull, his lips tugged down into a deep frown. Satoru slides onto the couch, his eyes shutting the second he makes contact. 

Suguru takes turns watching the two of you sleep. It breaks his heart . Never again will he feel the warmth of your sleeping figure beside him. Never again will he wake up before you to start your breakfast. 

Things are awkward between you and Satoru in the morning. Neither of you know how to approach the subject. 

Satoru is the first to talk. He always was the talker . 

“Good morning.” 

Your eyes flick to him, almost as if you were expecting him to stay the night. Satoru looks uncomfortable, which is a first. 

“I uh, I'm gonna pick up breakfast. Do you want anything?” He goes on.

A moment passes before you speak. When your voice comes out it's brittle, harsh in a way Suguru has never heard before. 

“I'm fine.” 

The hours of screaming must have caught up to you. 

“Yeah, alright.”

Satoru is scratching the back of his neck, a tell that Suguru learned years ago. He has something to say, but doesn’t know how to say it . 

“I really think you should eat something.”

“Satoru.” 

Satoru steps back as if the tone of your voice wounded him. 

“Okay. I’ll back off. I’ll bring back something for you to drink at least.” 

Satoru doesn’t ask so you don’t have the chance to deny him. You watch as he exits your apartment, your gaze fixed on your broken door.

Satoru calls repairmen to handle the door while he’s out. It doesn’t take them long at all to fix the damage he dulled out the prior night. 

When Satoru comes back he has two drinks and two bags in his hands. He bought something for you to eat in the end . Satoru rings the doorbell and waits for you. 

You never come. 

He knows you’re home, because where else would you be ? 

He stands there for thirty minutes before he takes the hint that you don’t want to be seen. 

Suguru wishes he could curl up in on himself at the sight of his best friend looking so dejected as he leaves. Satoru was making an effort . Suguru doesn’t blame you though. He never could. If he was in your position, Suguru wouldn’t stop until the whole world around him was burned to the ground, he wouldn’t stop until there was nothing left.

Satoru comes back hours later to drop off dinner and notices that the bag of breakfast he left for you is still in the same place. You hadn’t touched it . He leaves dinner for you as well, hoping by some chance that you’ll actually eat something.

~~~

Satoru stands at your door, a bag in his hands as he tries to keep up a smile. Suguru can tell it’s a hard task, he’s always been able to look right through his best friend. 

It had been two weeks since the funeral, and Satoru has stopped by every single day.

Satoru says your name again, rocking back on his heels. He’s been here for two hours. Suguru knows because he’s seen him check his phone five times. One of your neighbors comes out and greets Satoru, smiling once he gives her attention. The two had been acquainted because he had visited so often. Satoru didn’t mean to seduce the older woman, but it just came with the territory of being a beautiful man. 

“Hey Ms. Nakamoto!”

“Hello sweetie.” 

“I brought you something.” Satoru searches the bag he’s holding and produces a wrapped piece of chocolate. 

Suguru knows Satoru didn’t bring it for her, but that he couldn't bear the thought of not giving her something.

“You’re so kind, Satoru.” Ms. Nakamoto squeezes Satoru’s shoulder before walking off, popping the chocolate in her mouth. 

Satoru watches her leave with a smile plastered on his face. It feels genuine in the same way a waitress's smile is genuine when she’s working.

“Are you gonna let me in?” Satoru calls, resting his shoulder against the door.

You’re standing on the other side of the door, staring into the wood as if you’d be able to see Satoru if you look hard enough. 

Suguru doesn’t understand why would don’t want to see Satoru . 

He wonders if it’s because Satoru reminds you of him. Suguru would understand, the two have always been inseparable. It was never that way for you, though. You never saw Satoru and thought of Suguru in the past. It was one of the many things he liked about you. He felt like he could be his own person around you. He wonders if the lines are blurred now that he was gone.

“I know you’re there.” Satoru says, leaning against his forearm. 

“Why won’t you let me in?” He waits for a moment until you respond. 

“I don’t want to.” 

“I brought snacks.” 

“I don’t care.” 

Suguru’s heart breaks. You look like a mess, your hair was piled on top of your head and you were wearing the same clothes you had been wearing yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. It was one of Suguru’s shirts, the clothing wrapped around your body as if it was a cocoon. You had been wearing it for so long that the smell of his cologne was starting to fade away. You cried for four hours the night you realized.

Neither of you talk or move for that matter, intent on waiting it out to see who would break first. You have something on your mind, Suguru can tell you’re holding back. 

“Why did he do it?” You ask, your voice muffled through the door. 

You know Suguru as much as Satoru does, but Suguru supposes there’s a sense of relief from the company. 

“You know why he did it. He loved you.” Satoru responds, his voice more level than Suguru had ever heard it. 

“He wouldn’t have been able to stand himself if he didn’t save you.” Satoru finishes. 

You and Satoru both turn around and slide your backs against the door till your butts hit the floor. 

You’re separated by a piece of wood, yet it feels like you’re miles away. Even though you felt so far apart, the two of you were the only ones on the planet who understood each other. 

“He’s selfish.” You say, and Suguru thinks you mean to have a bite to it, but it comes off much more heartbroken. 

“What makes him selfish?” 

“He wouldn’t have been able to live with himself if he let me die, so he’s making me live without him instead. Why didn’t he care that it would hurt me?” You question.

Satoru’s silent as he listens. He’s good at that, although he talks a lot. Suguru is glad you have someone to talk to who listens when you need it.

“I think he did care.” Satoru says, looking at his legs. “He just loved you too much to stop himself.”

“It was my fault, you know.” You start. 

“I was the one who suggested going out.”

Satoru is silent as he listens and Suguru feels like he’s been shot. You were blaming yourself ? If Suguru could talk to you, he would reassure you that you had nothing to do with what happened. 

“It wasn’t your fault.” Satoru says, unsure of how else to comfort you. 

Nothing he could say would take the pain away, he was aware of that much . 

Suguru is on your side of the door, watching as your lip starts to tremble. You must be sick of being alone . You slowly stand up and reach for the door, opening it much to Satoru’s surprise. He nearly falls back before hopping to his feet, facing you.

“Do you want to come in?” You ask, knowing the answer.

~~~

Ever since the night you let Satoru in, you welcome him in. Suguru thinks it's nice, watching the two of you talk. He’s glad you’re opening up to someone. It’s not good to keep it all in, and Suguru couldn’t stand the idea of you shutting down completely. 

In the beginning, Satoru would sit on the furthest end of the couch, but over time he slowly inched closer until the two of you were sitting next to each other. It didn't matter what you talked about. It was always different. Usually it was about Suguru. 

“He waited until the sun set and it was dark out. I didn't really understand why. Anyway, he got on one knee and when I turned around he had the ring out.”

“It was because of the people I’m sure. Suguru was a private guy.” 

You’re picking at a loose thread on the couch, quietly listening to Satoru. 

“I helped him pick out the ring, you know. He was so indecisive. There were two options we narrowed it down to, he ended up asking all your friends what they thought you would like more.” 

Suguru sees your shoulders shake and he thinks for a second you’re crying, but when you lift your head up he sees a tiny grin on your face. 

“ He’s ridiculous . Would’ve loved anything he got.” 

“I know. He only wanted the best, though.”

Suguru loves to listen to the two of you talk, but he loves the silence you share just as much. Satoru always used to dread silence. Suguru thinks you’re bringing him down to earth. It’s nice . Suguru didn't think it was possible. 

“It’s hard. I can't sleep.” You confess to Satoru late at night.

“Why is that?” Satoru asks, but you know he knows the answer. 

“It’s impossible without him.” 

You aren’t aware, but Suguru is there each time you lay down. Sometimes he’ll lay beside you, but he rarely does. You always get a chill when he tries, so instead he sits across the room, listening to your breathing. He’s always loved the sound, but he finds he appreciates it more so now. 

“If you ever need company, I could spend the night on the couch again.” 

“Really?” 

You’re trying not to sound eager, Suguru can tell. He grins to himself as he watches your face light up. 

“I'd just have to bring over spare clothes, but I can.” 

People on the outside may think that something was blossoming between you and Satoru, but Suguru knew better. Satoru would never cross that line . At times, Suguru almost wished he would. He wanted you to find happiness again. And truly, who better to give it than Satoru? The two were so alike that Suguru knew you would be happy. But you wouldn’t do that to Satoru. You wouldn’t want him to feel like a placeholder. Suguru doesn’t know how Satoru feels, but he knows how you feel enough to be positive that nothing was starting between you. 

Satoru sleeps on your couch that night. Suguru notices it’s the first time you’ve slept through the entire night in weeks. You don’t wake up even once, not even when Suguru slides into bed beside you. 

Suguru keeps his eyes on you the whole night, mesmerized by the features on your face. You were so beautiful . He should’ve told you more often. 

~~~

It was going okay . Suguru thought you were healing. One night you have a terrible nightmare. He watches you in horror as you thrash and scream, wishing he could reach out to touch you. 

“Help! Help !”

Satoru is in your room moments later, holding your body against his. You twitch in his hold, body shaking in fear. Your eyes flutter open and you have to hold onto Satoru for several moments before you understand where you are. 

“It was just a dream.” Satoru speaks quietly to you.

Tears are streaming down your cheeks once you understand what’s happening. You have a tight grip on Satoru’s arms, as if they could keep you from floating away. 

“I was- Suguru, he, we needed ,” 

“ It was just a dream .” Satoru says once more.

It wasn’t a dream, not really. It was the accident. The scenes were flashing in your brain, plaguing you with memories. Suguru wishes it was a dream. The worst was already over, only now you were left trying to pick up the pieces.

Satoru sleeps on your floor each night afterward. Always beside the bed, ready in case you have another nightmare. No matter what, he never leaves. 

Each time you had a nightmare, Satoru would reach his hand up and squeeze yours, reminding you that the worst part was over. He pretends not to see the scars your fingernails leave in his skin .

~~~

Suguru watches as you experience life. Finding your first gray hair, he was even there when you bought your first new car. They were all things he should have been experiencing with you, if only he was alive. 

If you asked Suguru the day he died if he regretted his decision to cover you in the accident, he would say no in an instant. It was the same now, all these years later. 

You never move on from him, not really at least. There were men that passed through your life, but you never marry again. 

Suguru wanted you to find love again, but you were always more stubborn than he knew what to do with.

And when the time came for you to pass, he was there too. The hospital room didn't feel the same as his did, yours was much more warm and happy. That was what it was supposed to be like when you lived a full life . All of your loved ones gathered around you, crying as they held you. You don’t cry . You’re ready. You’ve been preparing for it for a while now. You have weathered skin and a full heart. You have smile lines now, and Suguru thinks you’ve never looked more perfect. 

Suguru stands by the door, watching as everyone says their goodbyes. He feels tears begin to drip from his eyes. He knows it only means he gets to see you sooner, but he’s mourning your death just as much as he would if he was alive. He wanted you to continue living . You still had so much to experience, Suguru wanted you to have it all. 

The last member of your family leaves the room, but you have one visitor left. The doctor smiles at the visitor before pulling the door closed behind the two of you, giving you privacy. 

“Thank you, darling.” Satoru says, smiling at her. 

The door shuts and Satoru is hobbling over to you, lowering himself down next to your bed. He's in relatively good condition for someone of his age. 

“Hello.” He squeezes your hand, if Suguru looks close enough he can still see the crescent shaped marks caused by your nails on his hands. 

Scars proving your love of Suguru on another man’s body . 

“You’re here.” You speak.

“Of course I’m here.” 

The room is silent as Satoru takes in your presence. The air is heavy, partly from sadness, but also from the memories and love everyone had left you with. You had lived a long life. 

“Are you excited to see him?” Satoru asks. 

You look down and fiddle with your ring, the same ring Suguru had picked out all those years ago. 

“I am.” 

“When you see him tell him I said hi.” Satoru could say much more than that, maybe even a joke from his childhood, but more than anything he just missed his friend.

“I will, I swear.” 

“I can’t believe the two of you are going before me.” Satoru’s messing with you now, Suguru walks closer so he can catch the glint in Satoru’s eyes. 

“Don’t you worry, your time is coming.” You chuckle to yourself. 

“Is that a threat?” Satoru leans in close to you, the act intimate in a way that only appears between friends that have endured years of life together.

“Maybe. I think I’m going to haunt you for the rest of your life.” You tease.

“ I hope you do .” Satoru’s tone is heavier as he speaks, a nugget of honesty leaking through. 

“Thank you for being so good to me Satoru, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you as much as you were there for me.” Regret is dripping from your words.

“I know you’re dying, but have you gone senile? You helped me as much as I helped you.” Satoru looks at you in disbelief. 

It was true . You had helped Satoru. It wasn’t in the same way he helped you, but instead you provided him multiple chances to relive his childhood. That was worth more than anything in the world to Satoru .

Satoru rubs his thumb along your hand. He sits with you through the silence. He's there with you as the doctor comes back in, voice soft as she asks you if you’re ready. You are, you have been for a long time. Satoru holds your hand, he doesn’t leave as the doctor turns off all the technology that’s assisting you in staying alive. 

Suguru would stay, but he has a date he can’t miss .

When you die, everything is empty around you. Your old body is inching by, walking aimlessly. 

“ Sweetheart .” A voice like velvet fills your ears.

You whip around, jaw and eyes wide open as you come face to face with the love of your life. 

“Suguru!” You cry. 

Suguru’s smile is relaxed on his face as he walks up to you, embracing you once more. He could finally touch you . He had been dreaming of this moment for years. 

The second his skin hits yours, it's like a ripple effect. Your skin slowly rejuvenates, your body regressing until it resembles what it looked like the night he died. You were young again . 

Suguru holds you for what feels like eternity before you pull away. He tries not to frown, reminding himself that he can touch you again whenever he feels like it now. 

“I missed you!” Your lash line is holding on a thin thread, tears welling up, nearly pouring out. 

Suguru doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t think he can put into words how much he missed you. 

“Oh, and Satoru said-“

“Hi, I know. I heard him.” Suguru reaches a hand up and skims your cheek with his thumb.

He no longer feels cold .

“You heard him? You were there?”

“Of course I was. I always was.” 

Suguru chuckles to himself at the expression on your face. It's a shock, for sure. You had no reason to believe he stayed with you. Suguru could have moved on at any point in time, but he wouldn’t. Not without you by his side.

“I love you.” He says it the same way he used to say it, and you finally break down. 

Tears stream down your face as you pull him in for a kiss. 

“Come on, let’s make up for all the lost time.” Suguru murmurs in your ear, wrapping his arm around yours.