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“I’m right here, Kazuki. It’s okay…”
Easier said than done, it didn’t convince Kazuki to let him go. His voice, soft as it may be under the moonlight that spills from the silk curtains, still felt too distant for him. Soushi still felt too far away, and that all he was holding was a husk from memory. Ever since Soushi returned, he started to feel — uncertain, of the reality that Soushi was right in front of him … physical, touchable, real. Maya has brought up how glued he was to Soushi, staying close to him shoulder to shoulder and brushing his fingers against Soushi’s knuckles subconsciously. He wasn’t sure why Maya was that observant of his behavior… maybe she was worried. She shouldn’t be — she wouldn’t — or maybe she would understand. Kazuki didn’t know, he couldn’t know. Maya cared and he knew that but also Maya knows all too well who Soushi was to Kazuki.
… okay, she might be right about one thing though and it’s that Kazuki often could not communicate his needs and feelings to Soushi without fumbling his words. Just speak your mind as you always would to us, she would say to him, he’s special, but no different than any of us. But the thing is, what makes Soushi special to Kazuki is something he couldn’t communicate well to Maya either. And … it’s not like Kazuki doesn’t want to articulate that well. He really wants to, but …
He just can’t. Words are difficult and meaningless if articulated incomprehensibly. Ask his dad. It’s something Kazuki himself struggles with a lot — which is why he’s often the quiet kid in the group. His words run faster than he could think, and he’s so afraid of blurting things aloud while at the same time losing his train of thought and what he wanted to say before it fogs away in his brain.
Kazuki shut his eyes tightly to keep his scattered brain in check, but also to take in all of Soushi. He wanted to make sure Soushi was real to him and that this wasn’t just something his mind was playing tricks with. It’s unbelievable how many times that had happened, how he would wake up from a dream that felt real. Where in one dream he and Soushi reunited, where Solomon mistook Soushi for a Festum but when Kazuki’s team identifies the target … the twist was actually Soushi, every scenario was something he woke up from — and he hoped. God, he hoped this wasn’t one of them. Kazuki curled up to make himself smaller and rub against Soushi. He had his arms wrapped around him and was about to squeeze him, but his grip loosens when Soushi had one arm wrapped around Kazuki’s back and a hand gently placed over his now bed hair.
He wanted Soushi to hold him like this forever. He felt safe and comfortable sleeping around him more than the lonely nights before. He hadn’t realized how much he missed Soushi’s soft hands and soft hair; to miss running his fingers across the scar on his face, to miss feeling Soushi. Kazuki opens his mouth, but nothing comes out of it but a struggled whine.
“You don’t have to tell me, I know.” Soushi says again, following an endearing chuckle as he plants a soft kiss on Kazuki’s forehead. Soushi always had a good read on Kazuki’s general body language. Whenever he frowns, whenever he pouts, whenever he smiles. It’s like Soushi could read into his mind before Kazuki could open his mouth. Half the time Soushi gets his assumptions wrong, but it only made Kazuki love him more. He was so human, so imperfect and so awkward, yet there’s this side of Soushi that enthralls Kazuki. How he could weave words that can only comfort Kazuki and how his tone softens like dandelions in the breeze. He was almost envious, because Kazuki couldn’t reciprocate even if he tried.
He feels Soushi’s hand pick his up, before his fingers brushed the side of Soushi’s face, and Soushi gently kisses his palm — averting his gaze to Kazuki to see if he had any reaction to the sign of affection. Which it did… clearly. Kazuki gives a soft gasp at the tender touch, before he felt his ears and cheeks heat up. Bastard, idiot, sap… He shouldn’t be able to make Kazuki blush so much like this, but he manages to do so — and it’s almost embarrassing.
Does it bother Kazuki? Not necessarily… but he does wish he could make Soushi blush as revenge. He felt a knot from his throat, but Kazuki manages to mutter,
“Sou…shi…”
“Hm?” Soushi hummed into Kazuki’s palm, patient and rubbing his other hand’s thumb across Kazuki’s bottom lip.
“… Soushi…” Kazuki says again, clearer this time, “… Soushi…!” He says again, before tears suddenly welled up. He just wanted to say his name to have some sense of comfort. It was nice to say, but he wished he could say more. He had a list, written in pen and paper that he would never show… because saying it was different than writing it.
The words were at the tip of his tongue, but even then his voice cracked and Kazuki was growing frustrated. However, he felt Soushi’s thumb go from his lip to wiping the tears away, cupping his face gently before rubbing his nose against his.
“Take your time, Kazuki. I know…”
“… you… I… you..” Kazuki tried to say. He had it there, he just needed to say it. He felt guilt waver him. Why did Soushi loved someone who couldn’t say three simple words?
“… you….” Kazuki mumbled, but his lips quivered as he hiccuped broken sobs, “Soushi…”
“… Kazuki, please don’t force yourself. If you need to write it down-”
Kazuki immediately made a noise of refusal, pressing himself into Soushi’s chest and sobbing further. Why can’t they come out? Why won’t his mind and heart and voice cooperate? Sakura made it look so simple… Kenji made it so simple, yet… he’s screwing things up already.
Soushi relaxed while Kazuki tensed up further, Soushi wrapping his arms around him as he rubbed his back comfortably in circles. Soothingly running his hand through Kazuki’s hair, he said,
“I’ll wait for you to tell me for as long as you like… just like you said you would wait for me forever. I believe in you Kazuki, and …”
He gives a soft kiss on Kazuki’s cheek.
“I love you too, ok?”
“Soushi…”
Further they drifted from each other, further Soushi descended into the abyss. Kazuki was needed back there, and Soushi knew that. So he waited, and hoped — believed Kazuki could say it this time before he crossed this horizon.
Soushi smiled, a warmth that Kazuki always loved. A warmth that Kazuki always cradled close to him, but now it’s bittersweet.
“… Soushi…! I—!”
His patience never wavered, and even if Kazuki couldn’t say it he knew in the end what he wanted to tell him.
“… I love you! I love you, Soushi!”
Soushi kept his smile, and so had Kazuki. There was no warmth to it, and he knew why. If only there had been better circumstances, if only fate hadn’t been so cruel to them.
I love you, but I wish I could’ve said it sooner.
I love you, but I wish it didn’t have to be like this.
I love you.
I love you.
“… I love you too, Kazuki.”