Chapter Text
[Beginning copied from Rebecca Yarros Iron Flame]
I walk toward Sgaeyl, feeling Xaden beyond where she sits guard.
"Are you going to let me pass?" I ask her, keeping my eyes on her and not the blood beard she is sporting.
"You fought well today."
"Thank you." A reluctant smile tugs at my lips. " You did too."
"Yes, well, I'm expected to." She shifts her forelegs, revealing Xaden standing at the end of the ravine, his back turned towards me. "Be careful of your words."
"Thats ironic coming from you." I muttered but move forward, surveying him. There's a laceration across his upper back, but that's all I see as I walk to his side, keeping my toes inches from the edge, where his damn near hang over. "What happened?"
"I killed him." His voice is flat, and so is his expression, the noon sun cutting away almost every shadow from his face. "Snapped whatever tether he had on me and killed him. His body fell into the ravine, and now I keep watching the river like it's going to pop back up, even though I know he's miles downstream by now."
"I'm sorry I wasn't here." I reach for his hand, but he tugs it away.
"I'm not. You saved us."
"My mother saved us." My voice cracks. "She had Sloane siphon Aimsir's power and both their life energies into the ward stone. She's gone."
His eyes slide closed. "I'm so fucking sorry."
"She killed your father. Why would you be sorry?" I swipe at another tear that leaks out.
"I didn't want her dead." He says softly. "I could never want anyone you love dead."
Silence falls over us, and it's not the comfortable kind.
"Melgren wants us to come back," I throw out there, looking for some reaction, any reaction.
"Then we come back." He nods. "Aretia's wards are already weakening, and these are intact. Which you'll explain to me later, right?" His gaze flicks sideways at me but quickly leaves like I'm painful to look at.
"I'll explain," I promise.
"Good," he nods "It's safer for you here. This is where we should be." He drags in a shaky breath, then laughs. "You won't be as scared under the full wards."
My brow furrows. "I just fought an entire wyvern army, dark welders, and raised wards, losing my mother in the process. Please, do tell me what could possibly be scarier than that?"
"You love me," he whispers.
"You know I do." I grab hold of his hand, and my stomach twists when he turns to me but lowers his eyes. "What's out there that I should be scared of Xaden? What did he tell you? What did you see?" What could he know that has him this shaken?
Slowly, he drags his gaze up my body, and it feels like it takes years for him to just look at me.
When he finally does, I gasp, my hand tightening on his in reflex.
No . That single word is all I can think, feel, scream internally as I stare up at the man I'm hopelessly in love with. I reflexively step back as a soft 'no' passes my lips.
"Me," he whispers, a faint, almost indistinguishable red ring emanating from his gold-flecked onyx irises. "You should be scared of me."
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I don't feel myself stepping back, but the distance between us grows. I slam my shields up unable to quiet my thoughts.
His eyes fall back down, and his breathing becomes uneven. My head is spinning. How? Why? I focus on my own breathing. In. Out. I can't look away. I can't breathe. I don’t know how much time passes as I stand stuck in place.
As I gain control of my thoughts, I lower my shields and look across our bond to the Onyx I had found comfort in hours prior. I can feel...the ache of rejection? Emptiness mixed with ice-cold terror. Abandonment. My own chest aches overwhelmed by him, but I remain stuck in my spot, willing my eyes to deceive me while my gaze rakes over him.
His eyes are now clenched shut, and his face is lowered. His breaths are tight and uneven. I feel the ice-cold terror getting stronger and the world is spinning. Panic attack. I'm standing yards away just watching Xaden Ridorsin, my Xaden, have a panic attack. His mask and his control is actually shattered, and it's because I was not careful with my reaction.
I close what had become a substantial distance between us. Reaching up to caress the side of his face with one hand as I wrap the other firmly around his back. I pull him in tight and push warmth through our bond while I echo what he not too long ago voiced for me, "You're alive." At that, his legs seem to give out, and I make him slowly fall to his knees, knowing I can't hold him up as dead weight. He stays entangled in my arms as slowly the icy feeling fades, and his breathing steadies.
"We need to go." Xaden's not going to be in any better of a state an hour from now without putting any distance between him and this place.
He nods, but his motion from the ground is slow and falters. He catches himself on Sgaeyl. Already starting to walk around her when I see how pained his movements are, and how tight his jaw gets with each step.
"Is something broken? We can find Brennan," I ask, looping in front of him faster than he can seem to move.
He darts a look at me, unable to keep my gaze. His jaw is tight. "I'll be fine. Not really anything to mend."
Sgaeyl turns to face us and makes sure I hear her. "Let. Her. In."
"Xaden?" I drop any remaining piece of my shields.
His eyes look up to me, then close as he hangs his head. Distantly but very real, I feel the familiar pain of burning out after endless lightning wields. But rather than the heat and fire of lightning burnout, there is an overwhelming cold, heavy burning through every muscle, with sharper pain scattered across him.
"Xaden, you're barely standing. You can't keep your seat like this."
"I don't think Sgaeyl is planning on testing my aerial maneuver skills this evening." He gives me a side smile. But as he goes to turn and climb Sgaeyl, his feet just slide back to the ground.
“Tarin, I need an exception.”
“One can be made again, but we shall not be making this a regular occurrence.”
Again? I’ll address that later.
Tarin lays low to the ground, and I pull Xaden close to me. "You can finally test out the saddle." He raises an eyebrow, but as exhaustion is now plastered on his face, he doesn’t seem to have it in him to object. It’s far from graceful, but I haul him up onto Tarin and get him into the remaining functional straps of the harness. I hook my legs around the front of the harness and face backward toward Xaden. His upper body is slumped against the harness, and as Tarin takes off, I take a fistful of his jacket to ensure he stays seated.