Work Text:
In the cockpit of Starbug, Lister and Rimmer were idly monitoring their course. The colourful lights of the view screens illuminated the small space around them. Lister was sprawled in his chair, one of his legs thrown over the armrest, magazine in hand. (Rimmer always complained if he put his feet up on the dashboard.) Rimmer sat across from him, sitting up straight and watching the monotonous display screen. It had been a quiet night and Lister's shift was nearly over.
Rimmer cleared his throat.
"So, do you have any plans later?" Rimmer asked.
"Yeah, I'm going to teach Kryten how to play cards… Well, I'm teaching him how to cheat at cards." Lister replied with a smile. He looked up from his magazine. "Why? You want to do something?"
"Oh. No, no, just wandering. In fact, I'd wanted a bit of peace and quiet, there's some reading I've been meaning to catch up on." He said stiffly. Rimmer had wanted to do something later.
"Well, you're welcome to join us if you'd like. That is, if you're up for a little rule breaking, but, I'm not sure it's your cup of tea." Lister said, already having returned to his magazine.
Rule breaking… late-night get-together… Lister... Kryten...
Was Lister coyly inviting him in or subtly warning him to stay away?
Rimmer's mind couldn't help but subject him to memories of the Polymorph incident. Strangely, being hunted by a terrifying chameleonic organism had traumatized him less than something else that had happened that day. He had walked in on Lister and Kryten, and no amount of half-baked explanations would change what he saw.
Next thing he knows, he may very well walk in on them sharing Alphabetti Spaghetti.
Rimmer shuttered.
"You two are spending an awful lot of time together these days." He said.
"Yeah, I guess." Lister said.
"You know, Listy, you can tell me if something's going on." Rimmer said, attempting to be conversational.
"Going on?" He asked.
"-With Kryten." Rimmer said and wiggled his eyebrows.
"What the smeg are you on about?" Lister asked, now giving him his full attention.
"Well, Lister, when a man loves a mechanoid very, very much-" He began patronisingly.
Lister snapped his magazine shut.
"Look, man, you can spend your time however you'd like. There's no reason to take the piss out of me for having friends. Actually, Rimmer, you shouldn't knock it 'till you've tried it." Lister said.
"What? That's not even what I meant." Rimmer said.
Lister rose from his chair and headed for the door.
"Where are you going? Your shift isn't over." Rimmer questioned him.
"It's ten minutes left. Call me if we get into a fender-bender with an uninsured GELF caravan." Lister said and walked out.
Rimmer crossed his arms and leaned back into his chair, trying not to let Lister's words get to him. That conversation really swerved in the wrong direction. Many of his conversations did.
⁂
He didn't sit alone for long, as Kryten showed up for his shift early, as he typically did.
"Good evening, Mr. Rimmer, sir!" Kryten greeted him jovially.
"Good evening, Kryten." Rimmer said sourly, his eyes wandering to Kryten's homewrecking groinal socket with disdain.
Kryten took the seat beside Rimmer.
If Lister wasn't willing to admit to his robosexual impropriety, then maybe good old Kryters would. Kryten wasn't given to lying, so it was worth a try. Rimmer only hoped that he had forgotten to activate his shame chip this morning.
Rimmer rotated his seat so that he was facing Kryten.
"Kryten, you enjoy serving others, don't you?" Rimmer asked deviously with his fingers steeped in front of him.
"Why, yes, sir. I am, after all, a service-droid." Kryten answered pleasantly.
"And, am I correct in assuming that Lister enjoys your services quite frequently?" Rimmer asked.
"Why, yes sir. I perform a variety of tasks for Mr. Lister daily." Kryten said.
"I knew it!" Rimmer shouted and jumped up from his seat in excitement. That was easier than he expected.
"Mr. Rimmer, sir... I make no secret of my duties about the ship. Dishes, laundry, trash compacting-" Kryten began to happily list.
"Yes, yes" Rimmer cut him off. And sat back down, composing himself. "But, not those services. I mean your special arrangement with Lister."
"Our special arrangement, sir? Oh! Yes, I always take an extra step when doing Mr. Lister's laundry because I must shake the miscellaneous debris from his undergarments and soak them in a chemically volatile disinfectant until they are once again biologically inert." Kryten said and enthusiastically mimed doing laundry.
"No, Kryten. I'm referring to your intimate arrangement." Rimmer said, grimacing.
"You mean my role in lancing his boils?" Kryten guessed aloud.
Rimmer visibly recoiled. "No!"
"Ah! Then you must mean our bimonthly trip to the infirmary where I remove the majority of his foot calluses with a bone saw, seal them in an industrial waste cylinder and eject them from the airlock. Afterward, I fetch a ten gallon tub filled with a lukewarm saline solution, a tea towel, and a common household cheesegrater-" He said.
"Kryten!" Rimmer stopped him again.
"Sir?" Kryten asked.
"What do you two take me for, a fool? All the long hours you spend together, how chummy the pair of you are, and of course I've walked in on the early stages of one of your hideous smegging rendezvous!" Rimmer accused.
"Sir, What ever are you implying?" Kryten asked, agast.
"Oh, don't activate coy-mode with me, you titanium floozy." He seethed.
"I'm sorry, sir, but you aren't making any sense. Perhaps you're in the grips of another hollow virus. If you don't mind me saying so, you seem to be even more caustic and unpleasant than usual, sir." Kryten said, concerned.
Clearly he wouldn't get any answers from Kryten either. Maybe Lister had sworn him to secrecy. Rimmer knew that he needed to change tactics.
"Fine, just forget I said anything. I've just been sitting here alone too long, my imagination must have gotten the better of me." Rimmer told him.
⁂
Rimmer spent the night lying awake in his bunk, his eyes staring at the blank slate of the partition above him. He could hear the occasional sound of Lister's soft snore or shifting movement rustling his corporate-issue sheets.
Rimmer's mind drifted to the day that he had walked in on Lister and Kryten - on the kitchen floor of all places. Kryten had been between Lister's legs, as they frantically grinded against one another, Kryten simultaneously pulling Lister's shorts off. It was truly a blood curdling site. They had claimed that the Polymorph made them do it, the oldest excuse in the book!
In the moment, Rimmer couldn't be too surprised. He knew that Lister would bonk anything. He even supposed that he understood why it had to be Kryten; the Cat wasn't remotely interested in anyone on the ship (except himself) and Rimmer was incorporeal. However, he wasn't incorporeal anymore! He hadn't been for some time. He had assumed that in the months following his attainment of his hardlight body, he would likely be propositioned by a desperate, drunken Lister, but he never was.
Rimmer planned on rejecting him scathingly, brutally even, of course. He didn't want to have relations with his unhygienic bunkmate. The very thought was mad. Although, he would appreciate the offer. What was he, chopped liver? What did Kryten have that he didn't… other than numerous multifunctional groinal attachments? Maybe that was the selling point, the groinal attachments.
Rimmer wouldn't be so smegged off about their affair if they just admitted to it. It was going to drive him mad if he couldn't force it out of them. Confession was, after all, good for the soul (and probably the circuit board), so why not come clean? Maybe if he just admitted it, Lister would be ashamed of himself and stop treating Kryten as his own personal sex-droid.
The metaphorical gears in Rimmer's head were turning.
What if Kryten wasn't Lister's own personal sex droid? What if there were a way to get all this unpleasantness out in the open? Perhaps he could finally find out what made Kryten such a smegging irresistible conquest.
That's it! It was so simple. All Rimmer had to do was bonk Kryten. Yes, that was it.
One day they could all look back on this and laugh.
Rimmer smiled to himself in bed, excited about his clever plan.
⁂
The next morning, Rimmer got up bright and early - nearly nine o'clock - and got ready for the day's events.
He marched through the corridors to the common area where Kryten was ironing the spare bed sheets.
"Oh, hello, Kryten." Rimmer announced himself with uncharacteristic ambivalence, and sauntered into the room, glancing around with forced casualness.
Kryten looked over at him with skepticism.
"Mr. Rimmer, sir." Kryten greeted him. "Are you feeling alright?"
"Yes, I'm feeling just fine. Say, Kryten, are you free this evening?" Rimmer asked.
"Well, I was planning on polishing the toilet seats on the officers' decks, but it's nothing that I couldn't reschedule." He said.
"Good. Well, in that case, I require your assistance in my quarters at twenty one hundred hours." Rimmer said cryptically. By that time of night, Lister would be away doing something unspeakable in his VR game, and Rimmer would have the room to himself.
"May I ask for what I am needed, sir?" Kryten inquired, slightly concerned.
"There is some filth that I would like you to handle." Rimmer chuckled to himself.
"Of course, sir! Why didn't you just say so?" Kryten replied, perking up.
"Good, it's a date. Oh, and Kryten… bring your groinal attachments." He said.
"Certainly, sir! Which ones do you require?" He asked.
"...All of them." Rimmer said darkly.
⁂
As night fell, Rimmer eagerly awaited Kryten's arrival. He had tidied up the bunkroom, freshened himself up, and put on an ostentatious dressing gown. He then sat down and began contemplating methods of seduction.
As he had expected, Kryten arrived several minutes early. He could hear the mechanoid barreling down the corridors and coming to a stop outside his and Lister's room. Rimmer made sure his seated position in his chair was as elegant as possible as he slowly swiveled around to greet the android.
Kryten pushed a large trolley brimming with diverse groinal attachments through the door before him. He regarded Rimmer pleasantly.
"Good evening, sir! So, where is this filth you were telling me about?" He asked, excitedly looking around.
"Why, it's right here, Kryters." Rimmer said seductively* and cast off his silk dressing gown to reveal his normal uniform beneath. The disrobing was only to set the mood, unlike Lister, Rimmer prided himself on being modest.
"Oh, yes. I see, sir. You are looking rather more sweaty and grimy than usual. Let's pop down to the cargo bay, and I'll hose you off." Kryten offered.
Rimmer sighed.
"No, thank you." He said, willing himself not to get angry. "Go have a seat, make yourself comfortable."
"Oh, sir! I appreciate the offer, but surely my comfort-" He began to protest.
"Sit!" Rimmer ordered.
Kryten complied. He sat on the edge of Rimmer's bunk.
Rimmer walked over to the trolley of parts.
"Let's see what we have here." He said as he began examining the attachments. There was truly an impressive array of equipment. He fished out a short rod with a large, smooth, bulbous tip. "What does this one do?" He inquired.
"It's a darning egg, sir. It's for mending clothes." Kryten told him.
Rimmer was only mildly disappointed by that explanation.
"And this?" Rimmer asked, holding up an oblong, rippled shaft with a large hole in the center.
"That's a pencil sharpener." Kryten replied.
"I'll keep that in mind." He said, putting the tool down. "You don't happen to have a vegetable spiralizer in here, do you?"
"I'm afraid that I do not." Kryten apologized.
"Good." He said. "Tell me, Kryten, which of your attachments does Lister request you use the most in his bunk?" Rimmer asked, eyeing him slyly and hoping to catch the mechanoid off guard.
"Well, I suppose that would be my vacuum suction nozzle." Kryten replied chipperly.
Rimmer nearly dropped the electric milk frother he was holding in shock.
"My god… I always suspected that Lister was a deviant, but I had no idea..." Rimmer shook his head and smiled, staring into the distance and imagining a number of perverse images.
"Indeed, sir. Not to speak ill of Mr. Lister, sir, but he gets quite a lot of crumbs in his bed." Kryten said in a hushed voice.
"He what?" Rimmer groaned as his fantasy-fuel/confession was again ripped away. "Kryten, just admit that you're bonking Lister."
"Bonking, sir?" Kryten questioned.
"Doing the hanky panky. Singing the sideways shanty." He said.
"Sir! Are you asking if I have engaged in sexual activity with Mr. Lister?" Kryten sputtered.
"Yes! I'm so glad you caught my meaning." He said.
"I assure you sir, Mr. Lister and I share a friendship and nothing more!" Kryten told him.
"Are you sure about that? The two of you are awfully chummy together. And, Lister's been out here a long time without another human to pair off with. No one could blame him if he decided that he wanted to… I don't know… utilize one of your attachments." Rimmer posited.
"Mr. Lister would never use me as a sex object! Wait… sir, did you lure me to your quarters under-" He gulped. "false pretenses?"
Rimmer scoffed unconvincingly and began to sweat.
"Mr. Lister chooses to spend his time with me because he views me as a friend and an equal. He has helped me to grow and to overcome my programming. He's a decent man, unlike you, sir. In fact, you're a smee, you're a smee-hee, a smeeg-hee." Kryten's programming prevented him from using his chosen insult.
"I'm a what?" Rimmer asked.
"You're an unpleasant and unscrupulous individual." Kryten defaulted to saying, deeply offended. He crossed his arms in front of himself chastely.
"Well, he must be visiting someone! We've been stuck out here for years!" Rimmer threw his hands up in frustration.
"What makes you think that Mr. Lister must be enjoying someone else's company?" Kryten asked.
"I doubt that there's one biological urge that Lister's capable of ignoring. He'd have given in by now. You say that he hasn't been with you. He hasn't been with the Cat. Now, obviously I have no interest at all in Lister, at all, but, but! I find it just the teensiest bit odd that he has never once, after all this time, shown any physical interest in me." Rimmer said.
Kryten stared at him.
"Mr. Lister, and-and you, sir!" Kryten began to chuckle with disbelief.
"What's so funny, you gimboit?" Rimmer asked, annoyed.
Kryten composed himself, barely.
"I'm sorry, sir. But, I find the concept of Mr. Lister being interested in you romantically to be quite-quite humourous." He continued giggling.
"Is it really so unbelievable?" Rimmer asked, beginning to become self conscious.
"Oh, no, sir!" Kryten waved his hand in a mollifying gesture. "In fact, I think the only reason that Mr. Lister hasn't expressed interest in you before is because he finds you to be an intolerable, micromanaging, sycophantic coward, because he hates your guts, and he'll say as much to anyone who will listen." Kryten explained.
"...What did you say?" Rimmer asked, taken aback.
"Please, don't misunderstand sir! I'm sure that you would be a perfectly desirable partner to Mr. Lister, if it weren't for the fact that he thinks you're a slimy, pompous, good-for-nothing, defeatist mood-killer." Kryten assured him.
"He… what?" Rimmer felt his face turning red and his nostrils flaring.
"I'm so sorry, sir! I didn't mean to imply that Mr. Lister thought that you were a disgusting, weaselly smeghead with fewer prospects than a maladjusted pubic lice who's slowly drowning in a wet urinal." Kryten clasped his hand over his mouth to stop from saying more.
Several moments passed.
"...thank you, Kryten." Rimmer was too despondent to be angry.
"So… will that be all, Sir?" Kryten asked awkwardly.
"Yes, Kryten, that will be all." Rimmer told him.
Kryten raised his finger and opened his mouth as if to try to explain himself again but thought better of it and remained silent. He quickly made his exit, taking his trolley of unique groinal attachments with him.
Rimmer slumped in his chair and hung his head. He stayed this way for a while. He supposed that he was well aware that Lister hated him, but hearing it like this was just sad. Not only had a service mechanoid rejected him, but he had also possibly just been proven wrong about Kryten and Lister's relationship. Kryten had seemed pretty adamant that nothing had happened between them. At least they weren't boinging each other. Perhaps Rimmer should be relieved about that, but right now he only felt embarrassed.
Thankfully, Lister hadn't witnessed his failed proposition.
Rimmer heard a different set of heavy boots quickly stomping towards him from down the corridor.
"Rimmer! You smeghead!" Lister's voice echoed throughout the deck.
Lister stormed into the room.
"Listy, back from VR already?" Rimmer greeted him weakly.
"I just ran into Kryten. He said you tried to make him have sex with you! He's programmed to obey humans, I can't believe you'd take advantage of him like that! He's still working out how to say 'no'. Ethically speaking, that's just smegged, man. It's low, even for you." Lister spoke with disgust and indignation.
Rimmer genuinely felt guilty. His mouth went dry and he was floundering for a reasonable explanation for his behaviour.
"I didn't even want to have sex with him!" Rimmer began.
"Yeah, sure." Lister said sarcastically.
"I thought you had been having sex with him!" Rimmer said.
"Me?" Lister scoffed.
"That's what this has all been about! You can't really blame me for thinking that something was up. I found the two of you on the floor, Kryten between your legs, pulling off your boxers! Don't even get me started on the sounds you were making!" Rimmer said.
"They weren't boxers, they were a smegging homicidal Polymorph!" Lister exclaimed.
"Yes, I know that now." Rimmer groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose, defeated. "I know that now."
"Just now? That happened years ago, man." Lister said.
"Yes." He said.
Rimmer looked at the floor.
"Unbelievable." Lister muttered.
"I suppose I'll apologise to Kryten the next time I see him." Rimmer said solemnly.
Their confrontation simmered down to an awkward silence as they both got ready for bed, the hour had gotten late and they were tired from the day's events. Lister still shot him a disapproving look whenever their eyes met. Eventually, the lights were dimmed and they laid down in their respective bunks.
Rimmer was prepared for another sleepless night when Lister's voice pulled him from his intrusive thoughts.
"God, Rimmer, I can't believe you thought I was availing myself of Kryten's groinal attachments… Smeg, I'd probably have sex with you before I'd have Kryten or Cat." Lister mused as he was drifting to sleep.
In the bunk below him, Rimmer's eyes were wide from what he had just heard, and a smile crept onto his face.
He didn't need groinal attachments after all.