Work Text:
remus lupin, teenage detective werewolf superhero, had been mourning the loss of his friend and sidekick, mary macdonald, better known as the duck, for many months. he shed a lagoon of tears, enough to fill several hundred sultry strawberry bottles, but ultimately realized that she was in a better place now. she was with her husband, who had been killed by cats, and also her ex-crush lily evans, who had been killed by a horrible dark lord who had threatened their entire way of life and also the stupid guy who she had “friend-zoned.”
what a whiny noodle faced man. he’d been a villain too, but his crimes didn’t hold a candle to those of folph festrange, intergalactic super villain: the man who had killed the duck.
filled with the rage of a thousand burning rubbers, remus, better known to the public as moony, stood atop a building and overlooked the city, using his super eyesight to find his new sidekick. after months, it was time to move on. it was time to get vengeance.
as fate would have it, his sidekick found him. a boy tumbled straight from the sky and onto the rooftop like one of the duck’s victims. remus brushed away a silent tear. he was going to miss the duck’s violence.
“who are you?” he asked the newcomer, who was now standing up and brushing off his shirt.
“I CAN SMELL THE ALIENS IN THE SKY!” the boy announced.
“what,” said remus.
“i am alfred bread roll cattermole,” the boy continued. “i am here to seek vengeance for my mother and to hit up the laaaaaaaadies, if ya know what i mean.”
his eyebrows wiggled like two caterpillars trying to do the worm. it was horrifying.
remus accepted his new sidekick nonetheless and dubbed him the duckling, after his mother.
they trained for hours, keeping a close eye on folph festrange, intergalactic super villain, and his new sidekick, bertha jorkins.
“that chickity choo-ra is straight fire, yo,” said alfred about bertha. “she be like aWHOOhahahaha, ya get me? like, GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY! bong bong bong.”
that was, to remus’ great displeasure, alfred’s prime power: to be so vulgarly strange that no one wanted to be around him.
“yes,” said remus, his voice as dead as the cats who killed mary’s husband. “bong. bong. bong.”
“YEAAAAAH. you get me, r-dawg!”
“you’re mistaken,” said moony. “the sky is r-dawg. i am remus.”
“TROLOLOLKOLL!!” said alfred, with two exclamation marks. “you crack my jizzle up, moony.”
remus had never missed mary more.
“anyway,” he said, getting them back on the track of defeating folph festrange. “our first mission is to save bertha jorkins from folph’s evil grasp.”
“yeah! take that, falafel footstrange!”
they traveled under the cover of the night to folph festrange’s lair. remus cried a little bit from his eyeholes, but it was because of the invisible sky onions, not because the journey reminded him of the last journey he’d ever taken with the duck.
when they arrived, folph festrange and bertha jorkins were speaking in quiet tones while folph’s computer wife, fella, screamed at the top of her lungs.
“YOU ASSHEADED FOOLS!” she was saying. “I WILL THROW YOU AGAINST THE WALL!”
“nooooo!” folph wailed. “walls are my mortal weakness!”
“you go, folph!” cheered bertha.
this was the part where mary would normally have busted straight through the wall and hopped in like a rabbit or thrown remus in over the wall. remus wiped away another sky-onion tear.
“all right, the duckling,” said remus. “here’s the plan-“
before he could finish, alfred stride straight up to the wall and started screaming at the top of the lungs.
“what to heck,” said remus.
miraculously, the wall began to move, revealing the door behind it. remus and alfred busted through it, interrupting folph and bertha jorkins mid-conversation.
"NOT AGAIN!" cried folph.
"oh no," said fella, before resuming her screaming.
"who the binky bajangles are yOU?!" demanded bertha.
to the background of fella's screaming, remus stood up, tall and dignified, and said, "my name is moony and this is my sidekick, the duckling."
"AND I'M HERE TO GET REVENGE FOR MY MOTHER!" yelled alfred, before he winked at bertha. "also to hit up the laaaadies, if ya know what i mean."
"you're a blue-footed booby bird," said bertha.
alfred cried the annoying tears of the duckling, shuffling over to the broom closet to find a box of tissues. "i can't believe you've done this," he said.
"hahurr binch," said bertha.
"wHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" said folph.
before remus could reply with his typical superhero monologue, alfred emitted a long wail from the broom closet. "NOOOOO! THEY'RE DOING THE DOOOOO!" the scream was familiar. remus had heard it many a time prior from mary's husband, reginald cattermole. when everyone looked in alfred's direction, they found, strangely enough, james and lily potter, sitting in the closet in a compromising position. remus had been great friends with them both, but...
"aren't you guys supposed to be dead?" remus asked.
"mary sent us back down to punish her son," said lily. "our work here is done."
they disappeared in a flash of bright light, leaving remus with more questions than he had answers. he, remus lupin, teenage detective werewolf superhero, was very, very confused.
"who the hell is mary?!" cried folph.
"DON'T YOU DARE SAY HER NAME!" screeched alfred, suddenly recovered from his trauma as he ran forward, naruto-style, and head-butted folph right in the stomach.
as alfred screamed unendingly in folph's ear, folph cried more, a waterfall of tears streaming down his agonized face, folph yelled, "WHO'S MARY?! WHO IS MARY?!"
remus shouted at alfred, "HIS WEAKNESS IS CHAIRS!" and then turned to bertha.
"go folph!!" bertha cheered, clapping her hands.
fella was less amused. "i hope you die," the machine said. remus wasn't sure if she was talking to folph, alfred, or bertha. or maybe she was talking to remus. a lot of people wanted him dead.
"you're going down," said remus to bertha.
"no i'm n-"
before bertha could finish, remus charged and her and injected his werewolf poison into her veins. his signature move. she wailed as she went down and folph wailed more.
"NOOO! MY SIDEKICK!"
alfred slapped him in the face. "MY MOTHER IS DEAD!" he sobbed, taking a chair out of his back pocket and throwing it at folph.
"SO IS MINE!" folph sobbed back as the life slowly drained out of him, taken away by alfred's horrible screams.
when remus and alfred stood again, both folph and bertha were lying on the floor, lifeless. remus nodded toward alfred. "good work, the duckling."
"jajajaja bingggg," said alfred. he raised his hand for a high-five, but remus ignored him.
"let's go," said remus.
in their hurry to leave folph's lair through the entrance that they came in, they failed to notice one thing. fella, in the back corner, her screen beeping red at the two heroes. fella was, of course, a smart computer, which meant that she had enough life to restore at least her husband.
as alfred screamed into the night, fella pulled out a vial of liquid from her computer underbelly and began to work.