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once upon a time, in a relatively close proximity compared to other franchises, like star wars for example, which takes place in a galaxy far far away instead of some place on planet earth, probably scotland based on the source material, lived a man named the seedless watermelon and his wife, the duck.
the seedless watermelon’s real name was reginald cattermole, but he didn’t want to be called reginald cattermole, because it was a stupid name. so he went by ‘the seedless watermelon, ‘ just like this best friend stubby boardman went by ‘the turnip man.’
the seedless watermelon was a mellow man with a strange disposition. he was prone to getting himself into strange situations. nevertheless, he and his wife, the duck, had been happily married for a number of years.
“hey. hey mary. if voldemort put on a fake nose, would that make him a NOSEY,” said the seedless watermelon one night, at an ungodly hour of the morning.
the duck turned over on her side and said into the pillow, “please go back to sleep.”
“no, you don’t get it,” said the seedless watermelon. “like a furry, but with noses.”
“your entire life is garbage,” the duck replied, voice muffled. “this is why you’ll never be able to have kids.”
this new piece of information struck the seedless watermelon deep in his chest. he clutched his pillow, terrified. what did the duck mean? could he not have kids? was this true? perhaps he needed to ask his best friend, amelia bones, also known as the bone crusher. unfortunately, amelia was a bit busy crushing bones and boinking the turnip man to be bothered with the seedless watermelon’s issues. he would have to figure out how to solve this problem on his own.
“hey,” thought the seedless watermelon, “if i can’t have kids, nobody else should be able to either.”
“please stop thinking out loud,” the duck replied, her eye twitching. “i just want to sleep.”
“sorry, m’duck.” and thus, a plan was born.
the next morning, the seedless watermelon woke up feeling confident. “I’M GONNA BE A SUPERHERO,” he kazooed loudly.
“why. why do we have kazoos,” said the duck, trying to ingest as many buns as she could. the duck was a superhero already, of course, and she worked with the bone crusher to solve the toughest of crimes. she needed the carbs to keep her energy up so she could jump over walls and throw people. she was magnificent and buns fueled her.
the seedless watermelon shrugged and poured himself a cup of cappuccino. “heck if i know. you want some cappuccino?”
“you KNOW i’m allergic to cappuccino, reg,” said the duck.
“shucks.” he did know that. “my bad.”
“anyway, i’m off to work.” the duck was the main provider for this family. but she wouldn’t have to do it alone for long.
“bye, have a nice day,” replied the seedless watermelon, already sketching out his plan.
first up for the seedless watermelon to defeat was the otter.
the otter as relatively easy to track down, on account of him being a father and the constant screaming of his red faced potato baby numbing his once-sharp brain. the seedless watermelon burst through the otter’s wall with a loud scream. the otter’s wife, the worm, aka lily evans (nickname courtesy of her friend r-dawg), looked up from their potato baby. “really, reginald? you couldn’t just go through the door? you had to damage our wall? now i have to fix a giant reginald-shaped wall hole!”
“I AM THE SEEDLESS WATERMELON, HEAR ME ROAR.” the seedless watermelon roared.
the worm did not seem impressed, which the seedless watermelon was highly offended by. he thought he was plenty impressive.
“WHERE IS THE OTTER?” he continued.
"he's in the living room," replied the worm.
so the seedless watermelon went to this mysterious 'living room' to find the otter, who was sitting in the middle of it, legs crossed, eyes closed, as though he was praying to the ancient gods of wisdom to grant him his brain back. his brain was, in fact, in the lost and found locker of the community swimming pool. but the seedless watermelon didn't want to be the one to tell him that. no one did. perhaps one day the otter's best friend, dogboy, would.
the seedless watermelon burst into the room with the fury of a hundred burning raccoons. "I WILL PEE YOUR PANTS," he screeched.
the otter looked up, eye twitching. "WHAT THE FUCK. YOU DISTURBED MY ULTRA GREEN VEGAN MEDITATION TIME, YOU RUDE GARDENING TOOL. WHO EVEN LET YOU IN?"
"did you just indirectly call me a hoe?" asked the seedless watermelon. "I LET MYSELF IN. I WAIT FOR NO MAN. UH-UH."
the otter's eye twitched faster. the seedless watermelon wondered if it would twitch itself right out of his head. "what the heckadoodle are you even doing here?"
"i'm here to avenge the fact that i am seedless and you are seed- seed- seedfull!" he cried.
"that is literally the worst thing you've ever said," replied the otter. "you're just jealous that you're not dignified like harry. or model handsome like harry. or funny like harry."
"i wish you would throw yourself off the astral plane," said the seedless watermelon.
"no," said the otter.
that was the last straw. the seedless watermelon jumped up and landed a crotch hit with extreme accuracy, the only thing he ever did with accuracy. “IF I CAN;T HAVE KIDS, NO ONE CAN,” he screeched, his tagline.
the otter cried tears of blood. “i can’t believe you’ve done this.”
"HEE. HEE. HEE," said the seedless watermelon, landing crotch hit after crotch hit after crotch hit. it was the only thing he could do, but he had no weaknesses. nothing could bring him down.
"AAYYYYYYY YABEEENA AYA BE BANANA!" screamed the otter suddenly, letting out a stream of hot red lasers release from his pupils. they were hot like lava, and red like apples. that is observational humor. reginald emitted a high frequency scream and fell backward onto his tailbone.
"NOT THE LASER EYES!" cried the seedless watermelon.
"TELL ME THAT I SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO REPRODUCE NOW. TELL ME! TELL ME TO MY FACE!" the otter screamed, his laser eyes cutting through the room like a chef cuts through cheese.
"WOULD YOU STOP MAKING SUCH A RACKET?!" screamed the worm from the kitchen. "OUR SON IS TRYING TO SLEEP! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT USING YOUR LASER EYES IN THE HOUSE? THAT IS AN OUTSIDE GAME!"
immediately, both the seedless watermelon and the otter went quiet. "sorry, sweetie!" the otter called back. "love you!" then, he turned to face reginald, eye once again twitching. "please leave."
"never. i can't reproduce! i am seedless! IF I CAN'T HAVE KIDS, NO ONE CAN!"
"SHUT UP!" the worm yelled again from the kitchen.
"sorry!" the seedless watermelon said, lowering his voice to a whisper. "if i can't have kids, n-" before he could finish his sentence, the otter let out a dignified war cry and picked up a broomstick, running straight toward the seedless watermelon.
"oh, no," said the seedless watermelon, paralyzed.
"oh, yes," said the otter, eye still twitching.
in the end, the seedless watermelon decided that being a vigilante was not for him. he was battered in unspeakable places. he was pretty sure he would have a wedgie for the rest of his life.
later that day, the duck came home and asked, "how was your day?"
the seedless watermelon shrugged, remembering when the otter shot laser eyes at him. "oh, you know. same old, same old."
"same," replied the duck. "threw a turnip at the turnip man, ate some buns. oh, by the way, i'm pregnant."
the seedless watermelon fell out of his chair. "WHAT?!"