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It’s late at night when Satoru knocks on Suguru’s door. The long-haired man is halfway through a movie in his living room, some horror flick he’s been meaning to see. He’d taken the opportunity to watch it today, since he was supposed to be alone anyway. Satoru isn’t a fan of gore and horror, but he’s busy tonight, so Suguru has a chance to indulge in his own preferred genre for once, or at least he was supposed to.
Because of all this, Suguru is naturally surprised when he opens the door to his apartment and finds a frazzled Satoru at his door. The man looks like he’s been crying, his eyes bloodshot and wide with panic. He breaks as soon as he meets Suguru’s gaze.
“I made a mistake. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Suguru, I didn’t- I wasn’t-” Satoru rambles, shaking his head and begging for forgiveness. Suguru doesn’t even know what it is he’s asking for absolution from, but it doesn’t matter, Suguru knows he’d forgive just about anything if it’s Satoru who’s asking.
“It’s okay, Satoru, you’re okay,” Suguru is already assuring him, pulling him into the entrance. He closes the door behind them and wraps Satoru into a comforting embrace. It doesn’t matter what it is. They’ll figure it out in time. First he needs to help Satoru calm down. He can’t stand to see the other so distressed.
Satoru keeps rambling, mumbling apologies into Suguru’s shoulder even as he cries and holds onto him like his life depends on it. Suguru keeps his reassurances up just the same, telling him he’s okay and safe and everything’s going to be fine, because it is. Suguru will make sure of it. It takes more than a couple minutes for Satoru to calm down enough for them to separate to get Satoru’s shoes and coat off, and another while before they make it to the kitchen.
Satoru sits at the dinner table, cowering like a child awaiting punishment. Suguru has an idea of what’s probably happened. It’s not the first time, after all. He can only hope that he isn’t right, but if he is, they’ll survive just like they’ve always done. He pours them both a glass of water before sitting down next to Satoru, threading his fingers between pale ones. Satoru doesn’t look up, weighed down by feelings of shame and guilt.
“Satoru… it’s okay. It’s just us here. You’re safe. Tell me what happened?” Suguru prompts gently. He squeezes Satoru’s hand reassuringly, trying to remind him that he’s there, and he won’t leave him to suffer alone. Satoru chews on his bottom lip, eyes still looking glossy. He reaches for his glass, taking timid sips. He’s never been good at talking.
“It’s… I was supposed to… you know I had that thing tonight. But I had to visit my family earlier today and I thought I was over it and I thought I was fine now that I’m an adult and I don’t have to rely on them anymore, and it turns out I’m really, really not, and then I was supposed to go, and I was just stuck in bed and I couldn’t do anything and I- I couldn’t do it, Suguru, and I spiraled, and I relapsed, I’m so sorry,” Satoru explains, rambling anxiously. The words are spilling out uncontrollably now that he’s opened the gate. He’s trembling, both still shaken by having seen his family and not quite out of the consequent spiral.
Suguru nods, letting out a measured breath. He knew it couldn’t be anything else, with how Satoru was acting. It’s unfortunate, Suguru thinks, but it’s something they know how to manage. Satoru’s been doing so well lately, but he can’t really be blamed for relapsing because of his family. It’s as strong a trigger as Suguru can imagine, really, since they’re so entwined in the reasons why Satoru started hurting himself in the first place.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize. I understand, it’s okay, I’m not angry, everything’s going to be okay, Satoru,” Suguru soothes his shaking partner. He wraps an arm around his shoulder, pulling him into a side hug. Satoru tucks his head under Suguru’s chin, curling up for safety and comfort. He nods, letting out what can be best described as a whimper.
“We’ve been through this before, remember? And you’ve never spiraled out of control because of one relapse. And you were clean for almost nine months, Satoru, that’s longer than before. You’re still making progress, Satoru, don’t worry, you’re not back in square one. I’ve got you,” Suguru reassures. Satoru is still trembling, but he’s breathing more deeply, at least trying to calm down, which is a good sign. He’s just shaken up. They’ll make it through this.
“I’m glad you came to me, Satoru. You don’t have to worry about anything. None of this is your fault. Your family’s to blame, and your reaction to them isn’t out of proportion. Now, is there anything I need to know so I can take care of it tonight? Have you cleaned and dressed your cuts?” Suguru asks gently. It’s the last things he’ll really need Satoru’s input for, and then the other can focus on winding down and sleeping.
“I… don’t think so. I wiped them, but not with disinfectant,” Satoru answers, his voice choppy and shaky. Suguru gives him a reassuring squeeze, pressing a little kiss on top of his head in thanks.
“Thank you, Satoru. I’ll get them clean for you, and then we can go to bed, okay?” Suguru says. It hurts to see Satoru like this, but it’s so far beyond preferable to Satoru not telling him when this happens. He’ll sanitize and dress the wounds, just like he’s always done, and then he’ll keep Satoru close all night and ensure he feels safe and loved.
Things will look better in the morning, Suguru’s sure, even if Satoru will probably be feeling down about this for a while. But Suguru doesn’t mind. Satoru’s making progress. That’s all he can ask for. Hopefully eventually Satoru won’t need this kind of support anymore, but even if he needs it for the rest of his life, Suguru will be happy to provide. It’s the least he can do for his one and only.