Chapter Text
Disclaimer: this is not a love story.
No, but seriously it’s not.
It’s about some eighteen-year-old trying so desperately to figure out his shit because God has left him such an unsolvable puzzle.
The thing is, the puzzle is easy to solve. Nishimura Riki is just reluctant to put the pieces together.
So instead, he’ll do what he does best. He’ll ramble.
—
The first time Nishimura Riki feels like, yes he’s gone too far, is when he has someone holding him tentatively by the chin.
He remembers how the latter’s eyes were glazed over. As if they were asking Riki something along the lines of: Is this worth it?
For Riki, it could easily translate to: Am I worth it?
The answer: a world that crumbles around him as he crashes his lips into the other.
But it isn’t how it all began.
It begins with how for the longest time, Riki has loved but has never been loved.
Or at least, he thinks he has loved.
Fine, to be more specific, Riki has liked people. In the beginning, there were moments he would scan a room and pick a random girl to have a crush on. It seemed like a normal thing to do. Seeing how all his friends were crushing on someone, Riki knew it just had to happen to him eventually.
It never did. So he had to take matters into his own hands.
In kindergarten, there was a girl from the year above. He never knew her name, just knew that she would walk past him as he stashed away his shoes after lunch every day. For some odd reason, he decided that this was the girl he would like. He would fantasize about him saving her from dragons, fantasize about slow dancing in a ballroom, fantasize about singing a duet with her. You know, like in the movies.
Elementary school happened. There was this other girl, Danielle. She was just as short as he was, which made them the two shortest people in the class. Everyone was saying that they’d make a great boyfriend and girlfriend. Riki didn't see how. Riki decided he was going to have a crush on Danielle anyway.
But then, he was eleven, and just like any other unsupervised Gen-Z youngling on the Internet, he realized a few things.
Number one: boys can like boys.
Riki didn't see a problem with it, to be honest. His friend said that it was gross and weird. Riki did admit it was kind of abnormal because it’s always been taught that boys can only like girls and vice versa. But he also didn't care.
Number two: So Junghwan from his class is extremely handsome.
Okay, when he was eleven, he just thought he was cool. Junghwan, the most popular kid in class, was a really fast runner and amazing at football. He was also academically smart and even had such a charm with the girls.
At first, Riki thought he was envious of Junghwan. He was always staring at him every time he walked into the classroom. He was also subconsciously dreaming about how nice it would be to get a chance to talk to the guy too.
But then he remembered that boys could like boys. Then, that’s when it all clicked together.
At that moment, he knew he had crushes on girls. But guys? Could you even like guys and girls simultaneously?
The answer is yes.
A year later, Riki accepts that he’s bisexual.
A while later, Junghwan finds out about Riki’s crush. That’s on Riki really, for telling his best friend who swears she’s supportive. Because apparently, being supportive means outing your best friend to his crush.
Fortunately, Junghwan doesn't act on it. He doesn't even look at Riki whenever he steps into class. That’s normal.
Not until he messages Riki on Facebook, asking if he and Riki’s best friend, Maya would look good together as a couple.
Riki still remembers holding back his grimace as he types out an enthusiastic: Yeah, go for it.
They get together, and post a photo of them together on Instagram and Riki wants to fucking throw the hell up.
Two weeks later, they break up. Riki is thrilled. But he isn't so thrilled when another classmate of his jokes about how now it’s his chance to ask out Junghwan on a date. Riki tells him no. Said classmate sneers, picks up a bouquet in his hand and runs towards Junghwan at the other end of the classroom.
“Hey Junghwan, Riki asked me to pass these to you.”
Riki looks at Junghwan. Junghwan picks up the flowers and hurls them right in Riki’s direction.
Riki thanks God every day for his very fast reflexes.
Time flies. Riki still crushes but they all just feel so forced. Riki has no idea if he even truly liked them or not. All the boys did were borrow a pencil or help him out every once in a while and Riki will tell himself that he likes them now. Surely, those weren't exactly crushes.
At sixteen, Riki suspects he is on the aromantic spectrum. Also only into men.
He feels at peace at long last. It makes sense. It’s also pretty pathetic that his only real crush was on a guy that treated him like absolute shit but still. Self-discovery. Or whatever.
Anyway, it all fits into a puzzle. He likes guys. Sometimes. Very rare. But mostly he doesn't like anyone. People around him say that it sounds pretty complicated. Riki can ask them to fuck off for all he cares.
The only thing that matters is that he knows himself.
But that’s only the beginning. The person at his side he was kissing so ferociously at the party has yet to play a part in Riki’s tale, and we’re just barely getting started.
You know how friendships either end up in pairs or threes? How the latter never really works out in the end? It’s odd because according to Google, trinities can symbolize a bunch of things. Like past, present, and future. Or reduce, reuse, or recycle.
Okay, this is getting off-track. Point is, that person wasn't the first, nor the second, they were the third.
Three people who all stem from different points in his life. Yet, still have their part to play in the show.
In true Ariana Grande fashion, one had taught him love, one had taught him patience and one had taught him pain.
Pain isn't all that Riki is heeding. Yet, it’s something he has been forced to grow accustomed to.
The irony of it all? Riki doesn't know himself as much as he thought he did. He could find himself a label to put on, try it on, declare it. Yet somehow, a few days later, that label doesn't feel right anymore and he’s nothing but extremely confused.
Case in point: Thursday’s Elective Class.
Riki hates morning classes. Any sane eighteen-year-old would detest having to process loads of information at eight in the fucking morning on a Thursday, no less. But Riki isn't about to have a whole brawl with the administrator in charge of his schedule. So he sucks it up, plops his ass down in the second-row seats from behind at the back of the classroom and prays he doesn't have to repeat his Sound Engineering class next semester.
Funny enough, the class went okay the entire time.
Because Riki doesn't notice people, he only talks to his deskmate. But then three weeks later, Riki decides to survey the class. Three weeks later, Riki turns around.
“Whoops.”
There's a girl. She’s sitting across Riki from behind, and she’s desperately trying to shut off her computer which is now blaring an announcement that her computer has caught a virus. Clearly, it is a hoax. Clearly, it’s an extremely embarrassing situation for her to be in.
Riki wants to help. He swears he does. It’s just that the lecturer ends up swooping in to assist instead. But it’s also the fact that he realizes that he’s been staring a little bit too hard at her.
Pretty, he finds himself thinking.
He finds himself admiring. He finds himself noticing how she tucks her hair behind both of her ears nervously. How quiet she is, how her deskmate and her seem to know each other but have no clue how to spur a conversation with each other. How every week, he would find himself anticipating her presence. How she would grace his presence with her killer outfits.
Riki never knew her name. He never heard her speak. He didn't know her name, didn't know her voice, barely even knew her personality or who she was as a person. Just that she was a girl Riki was attracted to.
That’s right.
A girl.
Riki was attracted to a girl.
Riki, who spent three years in the making knowing he has never been interested in girls, is now developing some form of a crush on one. Riki who stood firmly on the fact that he has never really been romantically interested in literally anyone is now feeling something similar to what he once felt for Junghwan, for someone of the opposite gender. A gender he swore he never had an attraction towards.
What. The. Hell.
It’s confusing. It’s frightening. It’s terrifying when Riki finds himself waking up so that he can get to his Thursday elective class just in time to wait to see her take her seat behind him. It’s terrifying when he feels the butterflies in his stomach, which he knows have not fluttered in ages, flutter when she walks past him.
Why does his heart thump against his ribcage whenever he accidentally makes eye contact with her? This isn't a crush, isn't it? He just finds her pretty. That’s aesthetic attraction. Right? Could an aromantic, gay man be aesthetically attracted to women? There's no way he wants to date this girl right? Is this just another one of his forced crushes?
This isn't real, is it?
Is what he asks himself every day. He never gets an answer. He doesn't even find the answer in the end.
Because later, a semester would end and another semester would begin. Later, he would learn that she would be in his form class for the next semester, unknowingly tormenting him every time she sat across the room from him.
Later, he would find out that her name is Naoi Rei and that she would be the downfall. She would be the one to ultimately teach him pain.
—
Riki is sitting with Yang Jungwon in the food court when Kim Sunoo dashes over, shrieking his head off.
“Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys.”
Riki gives Sunoo a look. He slightly turns to Jungwon, who’s also giving him a side-eye.
Jungwon sighs. “What is it, hyung?”
Sunoo only responds by fishing his phone out, having the screen face the two boys. It’s an announcement on the page of their college’s portal, where they send out all of the lesson pre-reads, assignments and stuff. Anyway, the announcement is from their production lab module.
“Oh shit,” Jungwon reacts first. He’s always been the fastest reader out of the three.
Riki furrows his brow. “Fuck, I can’t see.” He grabs ahold of Sunoo’s phone and scrolls.
Here’s the gist. It’s only been a week into the final term and they already have a major assignment due. One of their modules is asking for them to rearrange one of the songs they’ve already presented in the module. Not for a fun little project, not as part of some lesson plan, but for their first graded assignment for the module. Not cool.
Some more cons? It’s due in a week and it’s individual work. You’ll be the producer of the re-arranged song and you’re not even allowed to play an instrument in the song. Also, not to mention the fact again, it’s due in a fucking week.
“It’s official. These people are insane,” Riki declares. Jungwon nods in agreement.
“Oh well. No use complaining.” Sunoo shrugs, taking his seat opposite the two. Then, he grins. “Y’all will be hiring me, right?”
“Huh?” Riki blinks.
Sunoo gives him a look. “For your song production. Will I be your pianist or?”
“If I’m not wrong, I think Jake’s available to be my pianist,” Jungwon says.
Sunoo gapes. Jungwon chuckles.
“Kidding. You’re hired.”
Sunoo grins. He turns to Riki. “And you?”
“I guess I will since you want it so much,” Riki says. “Who are you hiring?”
“Well, I need two vocalists. So, that would be Jungwon obviously and maybe Theo? Then a violinist, probably Rakwon. Then, I’ll need a keyboardist so uh, we can get Yoona. Then a guitarist, that’s you, Riki.” Sunoo dramatically raises each of his fingers as he goes on. “But! I think I want to get a female vocalist, though?”
Riki’s eyes widen. “Like, from our class?”
“I mean, that’s what we are restricted to. I tried contacting Yeseo but she’s busy being hired by a lot of other people too.”
Oh no.
“So the only other option I have left is Rei.”
Fuck.
Fucking hell.
“Oh.” He picks up his phone and scrolls through all of his notifications, pretending to be interested in them. Then to quickly cover up his dread, he adds, “Rei has a good voice. I think she would fit your song.”
“You don’t even know what song he’s doing,” Jungwon scoffs.
“Nah, Riki’s right. She does fit.” Sunoo grins. “Which is why I’m super thrilled that she said yes.”
Riki almost drops his phone. “You asked her already?”
Sunoo blinks, giving him a look. “Uh, yeah?” He frowns. “You okay?”
Riki turns to look at Jungwon but Jungwon isn't even looking at him. Great. Thanks, Jungwon. He could have easily given him a cue to change the subject but—
“Hey, we should get going, yeah?” Jungwon prompts Sunoo.
“For what— oh. QSA. Right.” Sunoo giggles. “My bad.”
As Sunoo gathers his stuff, Jungwon turns to Riki. “You know, it would be nice of you to join a session for once.”
Riki may have met Jungwon first before meeting Sunoo, but Jungwon had met Sunoo first. You see, they’re both members of the Queer-Straight Alliance Group on campus. In the first session he attended, Sunoo had initially thought of Jungwon as some quiet little kid he can barely talk to. Riki would elaborate but that’s a story for later.
Riki hums. “I’ll think about it, yeah?”
Jungwon sighs like as if he sees through Riki anyway.
Riki grimaces. He feels guilty, watching the two leave.
The truth is, he’ll probably never attend a session. He knows the group has good intentions. But honestly, he feels like the sessions will be all about knowing that love in all forms is alright. Loving the same gender is alright. Obviously, that's fine. Duh.
But he already feels alienated enough in such an amatonormative world, where love and romance are everywhere. Surrounding him like crazy. He’d hate to feel even more isolated in a safe space where he’s not even supposed to feel alone.
Besides, there's also the fact that he’s still questioning his sexual and romantic orientation. He’d rather die than face that whole internal struggle in a whole group setting. No fucking way. He’ll save the embarrassment, thank you very much.
“Gaeul-ssi! Stop it!”
Riki looks up. It’s a common thing he’s been doing at this point. Natural instinct, he presumes.
Black hair tied into a bun, the latest pair of Sony’s silver wireless headphones wrapped around her neck, decked out in a white tee, denim jeans and her favourite sky blue denim jacket.
For the millionth time that semester, Riki notes to himself how pretty she is. It’s supposed to be a harmless thought.
But every time he does have that thought, it feels like he’s betraying a large part of himself, his identity, everything he’s known for.
Maybe he’s just being dramatic. Maybe Naoi Rei doesn't have to be this thorn in his side. Maybe Riki should just fucking admit he’s into girls now and just be done with it all.
She takes a seat at the table next to him. She’s laughing away at the joke their other classmate, Gaeul, is making. She’s pretty when she laughs. She’s always pretty when she laughs.
She’s always pretty.
Would she look pretty as she laughs at one of Riki’s jokes? Would Riki be compelled to be in a future where Rei is in it, as something more than an acquainted classmate who barely even knows Riki?
Suddenly, she turns to him.
“Hey, are you working with Sunoo-ssi too for his production lab assignment?”
Her eyes sparkle as she asks such a simple question.
Riki gulps down the bile rising in his throat. He nods. At least, he tries to. Fuck, how embarrassing.
But she doesn't notice. Or maybe she did, but she didn't want to be a bad person. So she smiles. “Okay! See you Wednesday morning, yeah?”
Riki nods. He turns back around.
The bile in his throat rises again. He grimaces.
He has got to get out of here.
—
On the last day of the semester when Riki saw Rei leave the classroom for their last lesson ever for their elective, he thought it’d be over.
And it was.
For a while, that is.
Throughout the six-week break, he had not once thought of Rei. He was living freely and regarded those feelings as moments of weakness. Telling himself, telling anyone who would listen on the r/aroace subreddit that his “crush” on Rei was just an obsession. Maybe he was just feeling stressed and wanted so badly to feel something. Wanted so badly to feel something for someone.
He hung out with his friends. He sketched every day. He shredded his electric guitar every chance he could. (By chance, he meant when Konon or Sola are not at home). He spent a little bit too much on SNSD, Shinee and Twice photocards.
Until school reopened and he came back, rushing to reach his first class on time. He slides into his seat, looks up to find the attendance code he’s supposed to put in and—
Oh.
Black hair. Sony headphones. Could it be?
Riki grimaces. It has to be.
But enough of that for now. Let’s talk about the other people in his life. Riki isn't all obsessed with his crushes. Or squishes, in this case.
For the first week back in school, Riki makes friends.
He first meets Jungwon. Deliberately. He knew no one else in the new course he was posted to and he doubted any of his other friends were around. So after class ended, he slowly packs his things, waiting for someone around him to ask him if he wanted to join them for lunch.
That someone happens to be Yang Jungwon. Riki already knew Jungwon before this and he knows how much he likes Jungwon. Platonically. He also knows that Jungwon is just as socially awkward as he is, in need of someone to latch onto for the rest of the year and also has not a single friend to follow around for lunch.
In his third class of the week, he meets Kim Sunoo. There was a third empty seat at the table Jungwon and Riki were at and he simply slid in. Sunoo said he knew Jungwon. Jungwon recognised him from QSA. Sunoo quipped in with his easygoing charm. Sunoo was funny. Riki likes Sunoo. Jungwon likes Sunoo. Sunoo finds them both insufferable but in a more fond, affectionate way. His words, not Riki’s.
So where does Naoi Rei fit into any of this anyway? Well, the thing about Riki is that he also likes to observe.
For a while, as Riki was off busy making friends with Sunoo, Jungwon and a few others, Naoi Rei on the other hand had none.
In fact, it takes her about three weeks to meet Jang Wonyoung even though they have been sharing classes all this time. Rei is shy, reserved, and doesn't talk that much. Riki remembers how he barely even heard her voice throughout the elective they shared when he first saw her.
She’s always somewhat late to class. She usually only arrives about two minutes before the grace period for attendance marking ends. When she does, she would slide into a random empty seat instead of among friends, because she didn't have any at the time.
Then Friday evenings came and that's when their sports module began. From fucking 4 pm until 6 pm. Even when some of them have had classes since 9 in the morning. Because this college is insane in the Goddamn membrane. (On the contrary, Riki spent his entire high school and middle school years with countless days in a row starting at 7 am and ending at 6 pm. He doesn't know why college is any different from that.)
Okay, we are getting off track. Riki loves to ramble. He never focuses on the main points. It’s what his teachers have always told him.
Point is, Rei was sitting in the fancy food court with the Starbucks and Subway because it’s the nearest to where all the sports facilities are. Consequently, so were Riki and his two friends. This is when Rei met Jang Wonyoung for the first time. Riki had watched as Wonyoung chatted away animatedly and Rei simply listened with a smile on her face.
Consequently, Sunoo started a gossiping session about their classmates that day.
“Do you guys think Jinni and Beomgyu are dating?” Sunoo had asked.
Riki frowns. “Aren't they siblings?”
“What? No!” Jungwon cries out. He gives Riki a look before bursting into laughter. “Dude. They barely even look alike.”
“I don't know, I could have sworn they were blood-related or something. Like if not siblings, then cousins.”
“Are you just saying that because they have the same surnames?”
“I mean…”
Somehow the conversation led to dating, and then somehow the topic of Naoi Rei came about.
“What about her?” Riki’s voice has gone soft.
Jungwon gives him a look. But thank God, he doesn't probe. “Just that a few guys and girls find her pretty. Apparently, she’s pretty popular in the whole “eye-candy” area.”
“Ah,” Riki says.
Sunoo rolls his eyes. “Please, I’m way prettier than her.”
“Sure. Whatever you want to believe, babe,” Jungwon says.
Sunoo glares at him. Jungwon returns it.
Riki honestly just wants to off himself at this point.
If that wasn't enough, he somehow managed to have one of his classmates from his form class in his sports module. It’s Rakwon, a guy Riki never talked to before. He shares how he finds one of the girls in their class quite pretty.
Riki takes a deep breath in, shows him Rei’s Instagram and of course… he was right.
Because Riki loves to observe and loves to ramble, he tells Rakwon everything he has learnt about Rei on the train ride with him.
When he returns home, he realizes for the millionth time that he may have caught feelings he can’t exactly figure out for a girl who couldn't even care less about his existence.
Do Jungwon and/or Sunoo know about all of this? Hell no.
Does Riki at least talk to someone about all of this? Yes.
“Is it bad that every time I look through Instagram, I see a post of a couple. They could be holding hands. Doing a mirror selfie together. Whatever. And then I would just like, throw up.”
Riki looks up at Sunghoon. “Real.”
Sunghoon grins. “See, I knew you would get me.”
“That’s because we're literally like the same person.”
In short, Park Sunghoon is probably the only person who understands him.
They may go to different colleges, but the two of them go way back. Park Sunghoon had been Riki’s senior on the dance team back in high school. Funnily enough, Riki hated him at first. Hated how good he looked, better even, when he danced to a new routine. How he pulled all the moves Riki could never even think of attempting.
But then the Youth Festival happened, Riki was feeling like his insides were all jumbled up and Sunghoon was the only one to notice.
“True, true,” Sunghoon agrees.
They’re situated in a small resting area near the main library. It’s nearer for Sunghoon, who goes to the college for broadcast communications. It’s way further for Riki, who has all of his classes in the arts. But the distance never mattered to him, if it meant getting to talk to his best friend.
“You know, I always forget how good the architecture is over here,” Riki comments, looking around. “You’d think a design college would have more colour but no.”
Sunghoon laughs. “How’s the second term been for you so far?”
“It’s been only two days back?” Riki raises an eyebrow at his friend. “But yeah, it’s been fucking shit.”
Sunghoon nods. Riki goes on.
“You remember that girl I had a somewhat crush on even though it wasn’t a crush?”
“Compallo?”
Compallo. Compulsory alloromantic and/or allonormative attraction. Somewhat sibling to compulsory heteronormative attraction. Comphet. Technically, allonormativity relates to the compulsion to feel sexual attraction while amatonormativity relates to the compulsion to feel romantic attraction. Riki feels the latter for Rei. But compallo just slides off the tongue better than compamato.
“Yeah.” Riki gravely nods. “She’s in my class.”
Sunghoon grimaces. “That must suck.”
“It does. It sucks so fucking bad that she doesn't even do anything and somehow she’s the bane of my existence. And I feel terrible about it because she's not even directly involved in this whole ordeal of me figuring out my Goddamn feelings.” Riki sighs.
Riki’s friend scowls. “I’m sorry about that, bro. Have you told anyone else about this?”
“Not really.” Riki shrugs. “They wouldn't get it, y’know. Because they're not like us.”
“Like, they’re not aromantic too?”
“Yeah.”
Sunghoon sighs. “Yeah, I guess that’s true.”
“Whatever. I’ll figure it out, in the end, some way or another.” Riki turns to Sunghoon. “What about you? Any luck with Heeseung?”
To clarify, Sunghoon is aromantic but he’s not asexual. Riki has been trying to pry his body count out of him every time they meet up but his friend is too shy to reveal the number. Riki thinks that for a man who is willing to shove his dick in a bunch of strangers for his satisfaction, Park Sunghoon is one hell of a fucking pussy.
Anyway, Lee Heeseung has been Sunghoon’s latest eye candy. He’s a music production student too but a third year. How he met Sunghoon however was when Sunghoon happened to drop by while Heeseung was helping out Riki’s group with setting up the recording studio. They conversed and Heeseung left. The same day, Sunghoon declared he needed to have one night with him. Riki only sighed.
Also, he is getting sick of the way they flirt every time he hangs out with the both of them. It makes him painfully sick. He wishes they could just fuck and get it over with already.
Anyway, back to where we were.
Sunghoon shakes his head. “I haven't found the chance to catch him alone. There's no way I can ask him out in the middle of a huge ass crowd. I would rather throw my head into a ditch and bury myself there to hide the shame.”
“Hey, but Heeseung might be into that, y'know. If you asked him to fuck you right then and there with everyone watching. Exhibitionism? Is that what that shit’s called?”
Sunghoon rolls his eyes. “You’re insufferable.”
“I’m just saying!” Riki exclaims, throwing his hands up in surrender mode. “If you want his dick so bad maybe you should start begging him or something. Be on your knees with everyone watching. He might like that! You never know!”
“Absolute pain in my ass.”
“Yeah? Well, that’s what your mom said to me last night.”
Sunghoon smacks him in the head. “You need to learn how to shut the fuck up. All these dirty phrases coming out of your mouth. No shame.”
Riki only cackles. “But it’s fucking funny.”
Sunghoon gives him a look. “You are eighteen and you have the same sense of humour as a prepubescent twelve-year-old.”
“Thank you. Compliments like these fuel my ego so much.”
“Insufferable. Annoying. Irritating. That’s what you are, you know. Honestly, I could just go on.”
“Now that’s funny because that last thing was what your mo—”
Sunghoon instantly clamps his hand on Riki’s mouth.
—
Nishimura Riki thinks of Sunoo as one of his dearest friends. But right now he wants to do nothing but strangle him by the throat.
“Sunoo-ssi, why the fuck did you choose to record at 8 am on a Goddamn Wednesday.”
You see, Riki wouldn't have complained so much if he didn't choose at 13 years old to ultimately learn how to play the electric guitar. Now he’s condemned to be known as someone who can play the instrument. Now he’s condemned to lug it every day to school like a fucking maniac. Has he also mentioned it takes him an hour and a half to get to school by train and bus? Don’t even get him started on the crowds.
Okay. We’re getting off track here. Where were we? Riki complaining… and Sunoo pouting.
Sunoo pouts. “It was the only one available! I swear, I wanted a session at 1 PM but they fucking cancelled it and moved me to the morning!”
“When the hell did they do that?”
“The moment I woke up. Boom. Email. ‘Dear Kim Sunoo, your reservation for Rehearsal Room 4 has been cancelled. Kindly make another reservation at any other available time. Thank you.’ It’s not my fault!” Sunoo cries out, exasperated.
“Okay, we get it. The people in charge are fucking shit,” Jungwon cuts in before Riki gets another chance to complain. “Let’s set up the studio before the others get here, please?”
Sunoo scowls but he does as he’s told. Riki helps to move around the two keyboards, he plugs in his electric guitar and helps to set up the microphones as well. He’s so distracted by everything that he doesn't notice two very familiar figures show up at the door later on.
“Oh my God! Rei! Hi!” Sunoo chirps, opening the door for her and the other figure to enter.
Despite knowing what he will see will cause him to probably throw up on the spot, Riki looks up.
Rei smiles at Sunoo that Riki has already etched into his memory for so long. Then she spots Riki in the room and gives him the same smile as well.
“Hey, you’re here!” She exclaims. She gives a wave.
Riki only has the energy to nod.
Rei forgets him shortly after anyway. She had arrived with none other than Rakwon. They’re talking, giggling, sharing knowing looks as Rakwon picks up his violin to tune and Rei checks if the microphone is working.
Riki forces himself to look away at long last. When he does, he sees Jungwon. There's a look on his face he can't fathom.
Riki frowns. “What?”
“Nothing,” Jungwon mutters. “I didn't say anything.”
“You look like you want to say something though.”
“Well, there’s nothing for me to say. So maybe like, fuck off and just check if your shitty and cheap electric guitar is tuned right.”
“You’re being mean.” Riki pouts. “I hate it when you’re mean.”
Jungwon sighs. “I’m sorry. It’s too early for this. I can be a little grumpy.”
“I know.” Riki smiles at him. “I’ll buy you lunch later. My treat.”
“For real?”
“Yeah.” Riki ruffles Jungwon’s hair. “You deserve it for dealing with all of our shit.”
Jungwon’s cheeks immediately turn red. Riki giggles. He’s so cute.
Yoona finally arrives dishevelled. She apologizes and Sunoo waves it off but Riki can still sense his irritation from across the room. Nevertheless, they get a move on, trying to squeeze in as much work as possible.
They run through a few rehearsals. As usual, Jungwon’s voice sounds amazing whenever he sings. And Rei…
Well, Riki would be lying if he said he hated the way she sings.
He’s been subconsciously sneaking looks over at her. He watches as she tries to get the melody to the lyrics. He watches as she thumbs over words on the paper in front of her.
Unfortunately for him, he isn’t the only one staring.
As a violinist, Rakwon could only squeeze into the spot next to Riki who was next to the electric guitar amplifier. So when Riki accidentally makes eye contact with Rei at one point and turns away, he sees Rakwon. Rakwon, who is also staring at her. The only difference between them is that he’s got this stupid, loser of a smile on his face that’s acknowledged and returned by Rei.
Ugh.
Riki wants to die.
“Riki? Could you come over here?” Sunoo calls out for him, breaking Riki out of his daze. “I need some help.”
Riki puts down his guitar and does limbo with wires and microphone stands to get to where Sunoo is. “Yeah, what’s up?”
Sunoo has his laptop cracked open and placed on a music stand adjusted at a 90-degree angle. How it’s able to handle such a weight is beyond Riki. Anyway, Sunoo has Logic open and judging by the endless tabs and windows open on the screen, his friend has no idea what the fuck he’s doing.
“Okay, first of all, let’s delete all of this;” Riki says. He exits all of the open tabs and windows.
Here's the thing about Logic. It looks exactly like Garageband and has the same setup and everything. Yet, somehow it can still be ten times more complicated to navigate through.
“Sunoo-hyung, why the hell is it not recognising any input,” Riki asks. He looks at the audio interface placed gingerly on the keyboard. “And why is there no signal on the interface?”
“I don't know!” Sunoo wails.
Because Riki is the luckiest person in the world to have the most complex feelings about the nicest person he has ever met, Rei is alerted by Sunoo’s complaints and walks over next to Riki.
“Is something the matter?” Rei asks. There's something different about her voice.
“Yeah, Logic is being a bitch and the interface just died on us,” Riki explains. He notices how he’s suddenly speaking faster.
“Hm, is that so? Let me try,” Rei says.
Riki lets her do her thing on Sunoo’s laptop. It doesn't even hit him until Sunoo’s giving the two of them confused looks that they weren't speaking in Korean.
They were speaking in Japanese.
You never forget your native language, of course. No matter how long you’ve been away from home and your friends who speak the language. Riki has met a few Japanese people in his batch, but they always preferred to speak in either Korean or English.
“There! See, it should work now,” Rei adds. She snaps her finger into the microphone aimed at the keyboard and the output plays back from Sunoo’s laptop. She’s still talking to Riki in Japanese.
At that moment, Riki feels the butterflies creep from his stomach and threaten to escape his mouth. He gulps them down his throat. He throws a weak smile from underneath his mask.
“Thank you,” he responds, still in Japanese.
She smiles. She turns to Sunoo. “You want to do a test run?” She asks him, switching back to Korean.
They do a test recording. It’s full of mistakes, but they manage to get by. Riki begs Sunoo at one point to allow him to shred his guitar even if the song is a ballad and Rei laughs at his joke. She laughs even harder when Riki gets slightly shoved back by Sunoo, causing him to smile a little.
Riki’s heart feels full.
After a few more test runs, Sunoo announces that they’ll have their final recording session this coming Friday. They wrap up. Riki and Sunoo bicker. Rei does her giggle every time Riki successfully wins at a comeback. Yoona gives Jungwon a concerned look. Jungwon rolls his eyes in response.
Then, they go for a lunch break before the next class. As promised, Riki buys Jungwon a meal. He gets him a plate of pasta bolognese, who his receiver looks delighted to munch on.
“Dude, it’s just pasta,” Yoona says, raising an eyebrow at Jungwon.
“He’s just happy because I’m the one who bought it,” Riki teases.
Jungwon gives him the finger.
Yoona hums. “Yeah, that makes sense.”
She mouths something to Jungwon which Riki can't decipher. He assumes it’s something mocking because Jungwon twists his hand around to give her the finger too. Yoona only giggles.
Riki takes his seat. Rakwon and Rei are sitting at the table behind them, meaning Riki gets to spare glances at her every once in a while.
“You know what I noticed? You seem happier all of a sudden,” Sunoo notes the moment he takes his seat next to Riki.
“What do you mean? I’m always happy,” Riki replies.
Sunoo narrows his eyes at his reply. “Yeah, I beg to differ.”
“He’s just happy because a certain someone's been giving him more attention recently,” Jungwon says.
Riki immediately shoots a look at Jungwon. He doesn't know, does he?
“Certain someone?” He asks, testing it out.
Jungwon only nods in Sunoo’s direction.
Ah. Riki slightly heaves a sigh of relief.
Sunoo on the other hand, squeals. He throws his arms around Riki, squeezing him into a death-threatening hug. “Aw, I knew you liked me.”
Riki rolls his eyes. He catches Jungwon’s at one point, who’s giving him that same look from earlier which he can't fathom. It disappears when he turns to look at Yoona who tells him something. But it still lingers in Riki’s mind for a while.
He forgets it the moment Sunoo lets go of him, finally being able to breathe air into his lungs at long last.
“Oh by the way,” Sunoo announces. “I have a boyfriend.”
Their table gets a lot of looks after that from how loud the three of them started to scream.
—
Because the world is extremely cruel, Sunoo books the studio at night until 9pm to finally get his own recording done.
It took a lot of bickering, a lot of trouble shooting, a lot of retakes but they all finally finish fifteen minutes before they’re forced to be kicked out of the studio by then.
As they’re all cleaning up, an idea comes to Riki about possibly talking to Rei after. He knows that they somehow take the same train home. Riki just never found the courage to say hi to her whenever he does see her. This could be his chance.
When he does try to approach her however, someone else beats him to it. Rakwon tells her something as he locks away his violin and she laughs, resting a hand on his arm.
Riki goes back home on the train that night. He lugs his electric guitar back and blasts heavy metal from his headphones, not giving a shit if it threatens his hearing or not.
The next morning, Riki only has one class which he is so grateful for. But then his mood immediately sours when Rei and Rakwon enter class late, giggling and taking seats next to each other, ignoring the sharp glares their lecturer gives them.
Riki’s eyes begin to twitch at the sight.
Sunoo’s asking him if he’s alright. Jungwon stays quiet.
The tutorial the lecturer gives on smart career paths isn't even coherent or comprehensible anymore. The moment his lecturer ends teaching to give a consultation session, Riki immediately decides: fuck it.
He gets out his airpods, ensures his hair covers his ears, pulls out SZA’s latest album opener, Kill Bill, flops his head onto the desk and begins to mope.
The worst part is that Riki doesn't even know why he’s so affected. He still hasn't figured out if he likes Rei that way or not. For the time being, he’ll just stay an angsty and dramatic teenager. Just because he can.
He gets back home blasting his heavy metal playlist on the train ride back again. He eats dinner then shuts himself in his room for the rest of the night.
In the midst of the irony, SZA’s Kill Bill has been the only song he’s been looping to aid him in his emotional distress.
I might kill my ex. They never dated. Not the best idea. Real. His new girlfriend’s next, how I’d get here? Rakwon doesn’t deserve such hatred. I might kill my ex. Again, never dated. I still love him though. He is literally aromantic. Rather be in jail than alone. Eh, not really….
Ugh, I want to dieeeeeeeeeee is all he thinks as he buries his head into his pillow and wraps the blanket over his head, kicking his feet into the air. Asa Mitaka style.
Sometime between his tantrum and his millionth replay of his edgy playlist full of emotional and sad heartbreak songs, his phone pings. He grabs it, looks at the screen and …
sunoo
oi dont forget about the beach party tmr
the one jakes frat is hosting
you’re not ditching me right :’^)
Riki blinks.
Fuck his life for real.
—
Riki waits for Sunoo and Jungwon in their dorm’s common area. Ironically for the foreigner, he actually doesn't stay in the dorms. His family actually moved to Korea the year his older sister graduated from high school. They purposely chose an area known for having a few universities around, just in case their children ever wanted to go to one.
His sister decides to take a few gap years while Riki on the other hand just decided to go to college anyway. So that’s how he winds up scrolling through Instagram bored as hell while Sunoo pesters Jungwon on going to the party.
“For the last time, I am not going,” Jungwon huffs.
“But Jungwon, I need you there. You know how it's been between Jay and I,” Sunoo tries again to persuade the younger. “Besides, Sunghoon’s going to be there too.”
“Sunghoon-hyung?” Riki pipes up. He looks up at the two of them. “What does he have to do with anything?”
“Well because a certain someone is still hung up on—”
“Nothing,” Jungwon cuts Sunoo off before he can continue. “Just that Sunghoon-hyung may or may not have invited me to the party.”
“He did?” Riki asks.
“I was talking to Jake after QSA. He’s friends with Jake and he happened to see Jake and then he mentioned the party and then just invited me. It’s not a big deal.”
“It so is a big deal!” Sunoo exclaims. “I bet he wants you.”
Jungwon rolls his eyes. “Whatever. I’m still not going.”
He ends up going.
Even as reluctant as he was, Jungwon is still all smiles and laughter as he chugs down shots during their pre-game. Riki only smiles at him. Sunoo on the other hand gives Riki a look.
“He so needs this party, doesn't he?” He whispers to Riki when Jungwon is out of earshot.
Riki nods. Quite frankly? So does he.
The beach party is held at a chalet Jake’s fraternity had booked for the night. When the three of them arrive, it’s already in full swing with the smell of barbecue in the air and terrible EDM blasting at a volume loud enough for Riki’s ears to bleed.
Jake is the one to answer the door when Sunoo rings the doorbell. Riki isn't shy to admit that he looks extremely good tonight. He’ll never tell him that, obviously.
“Hey guys, glad you could make it,” Jake greets with his infectious grin. He daps Riki up, gives Jungwon a hug and a brighter smile for Sunoo.
“Jay’s in the back somewhere. On the patio? I think he should be grilling. Sunghoon should be coming later,” Jake informs.
Riki watches from the corner of his eye as Sunoo and Jungwon both grit their teeth at the mention of those two specific names.
“In the meantime, knock yourself out.” Jake nods towards the inside. “This ain't your first party, right?”
Jungwon nudges him in the shoulder, earning a yelp from Jake. The older finally lets them into the chalet at long last.
“God, he took forever with the small talk. I need a fucking drink,” Jungwon relents.
“Already?” Riki asks. “Didn't you not want to come?”
Jungwon shushes Riki in response.
“Wait! Before we get any drinks and look like absolute shit.” Sunoo points to the mirror situated on the wall next to them. “Photos. Now.”
Riki groans. “Sunoo-hyung, you always take forever with those.”
“I don't care, we barely even have any photos together! How am I supposed to create a scrapbook of my college years if I barely have any photos to scrapbook with?”
“Hyung, the reason why we don't have any photos together is because you’re always a bitch when we take them.”
“Bullshit. Now come over here and stand at my side.”
Despite their initial reluctance, Riki and Jungwon heed Sunoo's instructions and pose for the camera. Jungwon pokes his cheek, Sunoo simply does his iconic bread smile and Riki does a peace sign.
“Oh my god, we look so cute I swear,” Sunoo comments. He shows the end product to both Jungwon and Riki. The former agrees. Riki, on the other hand, notices something else. He takes the phone from Sunoo’s hand, ignoring his complaint, and zooms in on the top right corner which shows two very specific people at the entrance.
Immediately, Riki feels his heart swell.
“Hey wait, is that Rakwon and Rei?” Sunoo asks.
Riki turns around, even though he would really rather not face reality at the moment. He sees Rei with her hand on Rakwon’s arm. Her hair was dyed a bright shade of hot pink and judging from the pink stains on Rakwon’s hands, he must have definitely helped.
“Do you think they're—”
“Together?” Riki finishes whatever Jungwon was about to ask.
Jungwon doesn't say anything as per usual. He only gives him another look. Riki sighs.
“I’m getting a drink,” he announces.
Sunoo’s head swerves around. “But Riki, you don't even drink.”
Riki ignores him. He turns around, trying to find the beverage counter. He could care less if he was being oh so dramatic at the moment. He could care less if tuning out Sunoo who’s calling out his name is probably a bad thing to do.
The only thing on his mind is that same image of Rei with her charming smile that sends butterflies clawing at his stomach leaning against Rakwon like he was the only thing most special to her in her own world.
Riki finds the beverages table at long last, swiping a cup from the counter and taking a swig of whatever's in it.
“Fuck,” he swears, almost spilling his drink as he reels in from the aftertaste of beer. Fuck. He thinks again, forgetting that alcohol is supposed to taste horrible and bitter. Why the Hell do people even drink this kind of stuff?
“You look like absolute shit.”
Riki looks up, wiping the beads of beer dripping from his lips. Realizing who it is, he scoffs.
“Fuck off.” He rolls his eyes, gulps down another swig of beer, trying not to gag at the taste. He fails.
“You know I love you and all but this is really embarrassing to watch.”
Riki dumps the cup still half-filled with beer back on the table. “What the hell are you even doing here, Heeseung-hyung?”
Heeseung laughs. “Believe it or not, I’m actually very good friends with the hosts.”
“You’re friends with Jake fucking Sim?” Riki asks, raising an eyebrow.
Heeseung nods. Riki gives him a look.
“So does that mean that y’all fucked before becoming friends or—”
“That is really not important right now,” Heeseung says before Riki can finish asking.
Riki grins. “So it’s a yes?”
Heeseung gives him a look.
“Slut.”
His friend gapes. “Unprovoked?”
“Speaking of hookups, I’m not really allowed to say this but it’s not like he’s really secretive about this with you anyway but Sunghoon wants you.” Riki looks down then back up. “Like. Dick-wise. He wants your dick, really.”
“Really? Could have sworn he said he’s into someone else.”
Riki shrugs. “I don't know. I’m just the messenger. The wingman, if you will.” He brings back up the cup of beer to his face, taking a sip. He instantly gags. “Fuck, this shit is nasty.”
“That’s because you’re supposed to spike it, love.” Heeseung takes the drink from Riki’s hands and takes a can of Coke from the counter, pouring a little bit of the latter into the beer. “Here, try it now.”
Riki does. He drinks and it’s… bearable.
“How is it?” Heeseung asks.
“Still tastes like shit but like, less.” Riki hums. “Thanks, man.”
Heeseung smiles. “So, is tonight all about firsts?”
“Um, I’m averse to doing anything romantic with people so fuck no. And I’m still wondering if I’m on the asexual spectrum, so uh, no to… that. So drinking is probably the only “first” thing I’ll be doing.”
“Ah, okay.” Heeseung props elbow onto the table, resting his head on his hands. “So that’s a no to smoking too?”
Riki’s eyes widen.
Heeseung nods to the back, where the glass doors lead to the beach. “Come on, let’s head outside.”
—
Sunoo finds Riki just before he can get a hit of whatever Heeseung had brought. He goes on about how worried he’s been for Riki, how he’s been trying to find him all night. Then he starts talking about Jay.
“I think I need to break up with him,” He drops the bombshell.
Riki stays with Sunoo for the rest of the night.
But then at one point, they get separated. Then, Riki’s feelings catch up to him. His dark, emotional, edgy and very depressed feelings. If there's one thing about being eighteen and feeling like you’re at the lowest point of your life is that you should not be out at a party surrounded by alcohol and weed and bad influence (read: Heeseung).
But Riki doesn't know any better and he’s not really in the mood to care for the fact that he’s going throw up to death in a fucking beach chalet house of all places.
He digs into pocket, fingers finding the joint Heeseung had passed earlier. He digs into his other pocket, where he finds the lighter he was going to use for the joint but swiftly hid when Sunoo had approached him. Because he knows he’ll never hear the end of it from him if Sunoo ever found out that he tried weed along with drinking that night.
“Sorry, hyung,” he mutters. He lights the joint up, lifts it to his lips and inhales.
To no one’s surprise whatsoever, he begins to cough like a madman. One puff and suddenly it feels like his lungs have been poisoned. For the millionth time that day, he wondered why the hell people even indulged in these kinds of things.
Riki slides down to the sand. He’s still on the beach, not so far away from the chalet but distant enough to earn him some privacy at least. He takes a seat, letting his feet settle into the sand. When he looks up, he sees the blue waves and the reflection of stars in them and realises:
He’s high.
One fucking puff and he’s fucking high. After everything he’s done to mock his friends for being such lightweights, it seems that the apple doesn't really fall far from the tree. He sighs, inhales another puff of smoke.
This time around, his gag reflex doesn't act up. His lungs must have given up on fighting because the third inhale feels much nicer, somewhat. The bitter taste feels welcoming. Savoring even. Riki starts to take in longer puffs.
That’s when he really starts to feel the drug affect his brain.
It’s actually insane. How everything you’re feeling suddenly hits you all at once. Every single memory of him and Rei, whatever crumbs of interactions they had scattered before Riki’s eyes like a shitty sitcom movie he would definitely fall asleep watching before he can even reach the ending.
The time he first met Rei. The time she once walked in his way and he slightly moved to the side so that he could give way, avoiding her eyes at all cost. The time he saw her name on his classlist, wondering who else was the other Japanese student in his class, not knowing yet that it was going to be her. Seeing her again after so long. Seeing her transform from being so reserved to someone who had such a charm and social flair. Seeing her smile at him in the hallways. Seeing her with Rakwon for the first time. Seeing her hold hands with him. Seeing the way she looks at him.
It should have been him.
He doesn't even want a relationship.
He should be the most important person in her life, not Rakwon.
He doesn't even like romance. He doesn't even want to do any kind of romantic notions with her. He doesn't want to hold her hand. He doesn't want to go on dates with her. He doesn't want to kiss her.
He doesn't want to be just friends with her.
None of this is making any sort of sense because let’s face the facts:
Riki is drunk. He is so fucking drunk. He never would have guessed that he would be the kind to need to get drunk at a party but that’s before he had met her.
Riki is also high. He is so high that he's starting to wonder if he has snakes for arms. He’s also starting to wonder if it’s normal for sea waves to look such a certain shade of blue. Water is transparent, for God’s sake. Wait. Is it?
Riki has only ever not been into someone or been into men. Naoi Rei is someone. Naoi Rei is a girl.
Riki doesn't like girls. Riki doesn't like anyone.
He can't even have those feelings for anyone anymore. He’s tried. He really has. He’s tried so hard to have a crush that he's convinced himself once or twice that he might have crushes on either Sunoo or Sunghoon or Heeseung and he did not have any of those.
He thinks of Sunoo dearly. He regards Sunghoon as a precious friend. He just finds Heeseung really hot. If the age gap between them wasn't that big and Sunghoon wasn't busy chasing his dick, Riki probably would have beaten the latter to it already.
Joking. He’s joking. He probably doesn't even feel that way. What. Sexual attraction? Or maybe he’s just a dumb teenager who’s terribly horny all the time for no reason.
Man, where the hell is he going with this anyway?
“You look like absolute shit.”
Riki turns.
That's the second time someone said that to him tonight.
The events that happen after this are pretty important, but the details don't really matter right now. What you need to know is this: someone kissed him.
No. That's not right.
He kissed someone.
Pause. Fast forward.
Riki is curled over the toilet bowl. Thank God Jake actually knows how to clean up around here. He’s gripping this toilet seat for his dear life as he hurls out whatever toxins fighting to stay in his body.
“Riki?”
Someone bursts down the door.
Riki winces. Of course it had to be Sunoo. He wants to scream, but all he can muster is a wounded groan.
“Riki-ah.”
Sunoo’s voice is soft.
Riki hurls.
—
So you know about Naoi Rei.
Riki never found peace for her arc. Riki would never want to revisit that arc ever again. Fuck closure, you don't need to get closure. There wasn't even a beginning between him and Rei. An ending for her wouldn’t even be necessary.
All you need to know is, Rei found someone else who isn't Riki. Riki saw it coming a mile away, because it’s been like this for every single one of his rare crushes. It has been like this since he first fell for Junghwan back when he was twelve. Always going for the ones who wouldn't spare a glance in his direction.
Nishimura Riki now declares himself a self-proclaimed idiot.
That’s what he declares as he’s trying so hard to hurl out whatever toxic waste brewed in his stomach from the drugs and the alcohol and whatever food he tried to gulp down.
It is so fucking ironic. The damage he went through figuring out his feelings, his Goddamn sexuality, only for the person to cause such a confusing crisis be smitten for another.
He can't even hate Rei. She wasn't even directly involved. He can't even hate Rakwon. Poor, sweet Rakwon who he has heard rumours of being in toxic relationships before going out with Rei.
Riki is just in the way of a perfectly seamed relationship.
All because of what? The fact that he simply can't get his shit together? Pathetic.
Truly pathetic.
Well, at least there was one good thing out of this whole mess. It all just confirms that he feels some form of tertiary attraction for girls. The same way he does for guys.
Whatever. It’s a fucking spectrum. Enough of the pity party. We’ve got to get a move on.