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The trip back from the dam is quiet, tense, spent replaying the afternoon’s events on an endless loop in her head. How they’d argued. How she’d thrown her hands in the air and walked away. How she’s now out three horses. And worse yet, how they’d left things.
If Maria knows her husband, and she’s pretty damn sure she does, he’s already halfway to wherever his brother needs him to take that little girl. And God knows where the brother is. She’s got half a mind to go after him, hunt him down before he can get too far, and do - what? Beat the shit out of him? It’s what she’d wanted to do earlier, only restraining herself because there was a kid present. But now, yeah, she’d like to hit him.
The rattling of Jackson’s gate, the creaking of an overburdened cart’s wheels as it’s hauled through. It turns Maria’s stomach.
In an attempt to remain professional, she wears the face of an unshakeable leader like a mask and wishes her team well as they disperse to their homes. Surely by now people are catching on, but that’s a problem for another day. More likely than not, she won’t even have a husband to gossip about come tomorrow.
Her eyes land on the handful of families still waiting, the hope in their faces slowly fading as they begin to realize. Bitterness churns in her gut when she tells them what happened to their husbands and fathers at the dam, resentment that she’s here holding them up alone. Clinging to her persona, Maria gives them her time, her arms to fall into, until she’s left stumbling, emotionally depleted, back to an empty house.
She forgoes dinner, instead retreating upstairs to peel off soggy, stinking clothing and wash off a week’s worth of dirt and grime. Rubbing steam from the bathroom mirror with the corner of her towel, she takes stock of herself. Exhausted, run-down, emotionally spent.
Mottled bruising covers her right shoulder, and when she reaches up to check the tenderness of the abused skin, her eyes fall on the simple gold band. Maria twists it around her finger, angry and hurt, as she replays the afternoon once again. How the brother showed up, Tommy’s unabashed glee. How she’d kept her mouth shut, walked on eggshells for fear of ruining it. Should’ve blown his damn head off the minute he tested the gate. Mouth set in an angry line, she removes the ring from her finger and sets it on the vanity.
When she goes downstairs to lock up for the night, the sun is just beginning to set, casting a pink glow over the living room. She’s overcome with a deep sense of loneliness, the sudden urge to cry over a house too quiet, the atmosphere all wrong.
“Maria.”
She whirls around, legs weak. “Holy shit, Tommy!” He’s emerging from the kitchen, slowly approaching. A hand pressed to her heart, she leans on the arm of the sofa to steady herself. “You scared the living shit out of me!”
“I’m sorry.” Tommy rests a dirt-stained hand on her upper arm, thumb stroking, and meets her eyes pleadingly. “I’m sorry.”
Passing relief becomes quickly overshadowed by the cold memory of the afternoon. “Where’s the kid.”
“With Joel. We ran into some more bandits out there, fought ‘em off. Guess at some point he had a change of heart, and - look, it don’t matter. He left with her. It’s done.” Tommy shakes his head and sighs. “But Maria, we really need to-”
With an irritated scoff, she pulls her arm away. “Look, it has been a really long day. Whatever you need to get off your chest can wait until tomorrow.”
She turns for the stairs, frustration pinning her eyes forward, and goes up to bed alone.
As exhausted as she is, though, both physically and mentally, sleep won’t come. Maria tosses and turns, her battered body too sore and achy to get comfortable, her mind too unsettled.
She’s not sure what time it is when the door creaks open, but she’s no closer to sleep now than she’d been when she laid down. The mattress dips beside her and she tenses, feigning sleep as Tommy curls around her, all soft and smelling of lye soap.
“I know you ain’t asleep yet.” His arms around her tighten, a desperate embrace. “Can you just talk to me?”
“Fine,” Maria says, frustrated both by exhaustion and his insisting on doing this now when it will inevitably lead to at least one of them being up all night, then squirms away and sits with her back against the headboard. “Can you help me understand why? Is it that you feel some unwarranted obligation to him? Or to the Fireflies?”
The bed frame squeaks as he settles in next to her, his arms crossed. “It ain’t like that-”
“Then what is it like?” she demands, the irritation from earlier bubbling back to the surface. “Because it damn well looked that way to me, like you were just ready to up and walk away from the life we’ve built here. And for what?”
“Well, for a whole goddamn lot, actually,” he says defensively.
“I’m sure. Do you know how many bodies we loaded onto the cart today? More than were walking alongside it, that’s for sure.”
He flinches, softens. “Jesus Christ, baby, I know-”
But she’s far from finished. “And the horses, Tommy, three of our horses. You know how much we depend on them.”
“Maria. Honey, you’re not lettin’ me finish. And I brought back the damn horses. Well, two of them at least, but that ain’t what we’re talkin’ about here.” A heavy sigh as he struggles for words. “Look, before we took off, I didn’t tell you everything.”
She waits for him to continue, exercising every modicum of patience she’s got left in her as he gathers his thoughts.
“It was more than just a favor, see. The Fireflies, they’ve still got doctors at that lab of theirs workin’ on a cure. And somebody had to get that girl to them, help them finally finish it.”
“And somehow a kid is going to help with that? If you’re trying to convince me this whole thing was somehow justified-”
“The kid’s immune.”
Maria snorts indignantly. “Jesus, Tommy. Are you even hearing yourself.”
“I know,” he placates. “But someone had to do it - or to try, at least.”
“It didn’t have to be you. Do you know how hard it was coming back here today? All those people we lost, all their families…” She swallows hard, the weight of it all stacked heavy on her shoulders. “I needed you here, and where were you? Ready to ride off on some hero’s journey for a fucking pipe dream cure…”
“Maria-”
“And for your fucking brother, of all people? All the things that man put you through, the way he treated you-” She takes his face in her hands, makes him look at her. “You’re forgetting that I saw you, Tommy. I saw who you were when you first got here… You don’t owe any of them anything.”
In the dimness of the room, his eyes are barely visible, but there’s enough light she can see them shining.
“Maria,” he starts again, His hands landing solidly on her shoulders, probably to try to reassure her, but instead eliciting a pained gasp. He pauses, frowning. “Hey, you okay?”
“Goddamnit, yes, I’m fine,” she snaps. “Just sore after the raid earlier. I’m fine.”
“I’m sorry.” His hands fall, coming to rest gently on the top of her thigh, forehead tipped against hers. It’s not what she wants, she doesn’t think, but it makes her throat close up.
“I’ve been here the whole time,” she says finally, voice thick. “Talked you through all the nightmares, all your stories about the Fireflies and your brother and - and I felt like things were finally getting better. Like we were happy.”
“I know, baby. We are happy.” His nose nudges hers, ready to put this conversation to bed. But he’d wanted to have it, they’re having it. Maria turns away.
“Then he just shows up and it’s like none of the past few years even happened. Like he just had you shelved until he was ready to start using you again.” She inhales deeply, fingers curling around his. “And I’m just supposed to sit back and watch you get sucked into all that again. No fucking way.”
“It wasn’t gonna be like that. Quick round trip, I know those roads better’n anyone. I was always comin’ back.” He gathers her to him, her head coming to rest on his shoulder. “As long as you’re here, I’m always comin’ back.”
Goddamnit. She sniffles against his neck, willing the floodgates to remain closed a little while longer. It’s so much easier when she’s not this tired, when her body doesn’t hurt like this, when she hasn’t spent the evening replaying the events of the afternoon, projecting the hollow grief leftover from the families onto her own wayward husband. His hand smooths up and down her back, heavy and warm enough to dissipate the remaining anger until all that’s left is the fear it was concealing.
“How do I know you’re not gonna do it again? He comes back, and…”
“Well, this probably ain’t the best time to tell you, but I did invite him back, the kid too, once they’re done with the Fireflies.”
“Jesus…”
“But it ain’t what you’re thinking, it wouldn’t be like before. And I wouldn’t just take off on you like that. Even today, I would’ve come back and checked on you. Made sure you were alright.” Tommy drops a kiss on the top of her head. “You’re stuck with me. If that’s what you want, that is.”
“If that’s what I want?” Maria squints up at him incredulously. Like she hadn’t spent the day imagining the worst, imagining that their last exchange had been an argument. She almost laughs.
“Well I just thought, seein’ as you left your ring in the bathroom and you’ve never taken it off since I first put it on you…” The soft rustling of fabric as he digs for it in his pocket, then its slight weight returns to her finger. “Just thought maybe you were trying to tell me something.”
“Nothing quite so deep.” Maria sighs. “Those families today. They needed someone with them. You know how it is, Tommy, you can’t leave until they’re ready for you to leave. And after a while, I started to wonder how long I had left until... I just figured I’d better get used to it, you know?”
She swears, wiping at the corners of her eyes with the back of her hand.
“Aw, baby. C’mere.” He tugs at her gently, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead, then to her lips when she doesn’t turn away. “You know I love you, right? Probably don’t tell you enough, but I do.”
He probably doesn’t, but neither one of them is very good at vocalizing those kinds of things. She leans her head on his shoulder.
He speaks softly into her hair, “Are we okay?”
A deep breath, a beat recalling the fear that she’d never see him again and now relief that they’ve still got more time. “We will be.”