Work Text:
Whenever it was just Vyn, Robin and Artem in the NXX Headquarters, it was quite peaceful. They got on with their work with quiet conversations and no terrible, very bad ideas. With Robin present, it stopped Artem and Vyn from their bickering and, thus, it was calm. Serene one could say. The perfect environment to work and not fuck it up. Though it could also be said that this was simply calm before the storm.
So when the quick pounding of footsteps echoed around the hall near the door, Vyn took a deep breath, Artem rubbed at his temples and Robin clasped her hands together, hoping for something normal for the team like a murder or missing persons case.
"CAN YOU BE ALLERGIC TO PEOPLE?"
Her hopes had not been answered and Robin simply stared at where Marius stood at the doorway, looking… Well, like shit.
Poor Marius looked stressed, had crumpled clothes and messy hair. He looked hungover, or like he had just crawled out of an abandoned building or something.
Marius took their collective silence and staring as them wanting an elaboration, which was definitely needed and quickly began his tale.
"Me and Luke we're out last night in an abandoned hospital, we were ghost hunting and-"
So he had just crawled out of an abandoned building..
"Why?"
"Don't interrupt me, Vyn. So we were fucking around and don't ask why I was wearing shorts in an abandoned building because I don't know either, but I had shorts on and Luke hit my thigh as a joke and when I got back home I had a rash where he touched me and I think I'm allergic to Luke Pearce." Marius took a very, very long breath after his rant.
A minute passed and no one said a word. Then another before-
"Were you wearing booty shorts in an abandoned building again?" Robin stared at Marius, more in awe at his continued lack of abandoned building exploration safety than anything.
Marius fell onto his usual chair and shook his head. "They weren't booty shorts they were just shorter than most shorts but can we get to the real problem? Please?"
“What is it with you and shorts? Start investing in trousers when you go to abandoned places, please.”
“Robin, I do not need your input right now-”
"I'm more concerned about why Luke hit your thigh in the first place," Artem never thought such a sentence would leave his mouth but here he is.
"Not important, not the problem. Can you be allergic to people?"
Robin kept her eyes on Marius and you could almost see the lightbulb above her head as her face lit up.
"You were fucking Luke Pearce in an abandoned building!" And, in her most lawyer-ly attitude, pointed an accusatory finger at him with a wide grin on her face.
It was at this point, Vyn started to pack up his shit and was ready to leave, completely ignoring the loud argument going on above his head. He couldn't be bothered to deal with this today and he needed to go to bed, it was 12pm.
("I WASN'T, SHUT UP!"
"WHORE. SLUT. WHY ELSE WOULD YOU WEAR BOOTY SHORTS?"
"THEY WEREN'T-")
Artem was about to follow Vyn's example, he also had no patience to deal with another one of Robin and Marius' arguments, they had already dealt with around seven and it was only Tuesday, he needed a break.. But being the responsible man he was, he decided to take charge and actually try to figure out why Marius got this rash on his leg. He wasn't a lawyer for nothing, problem solving was his whole thing, if he couldn't figure this out he'd have to hand in his resignation ASAP and apologise to Celestine for being completely incompetent… Anyways.
So, in his best ‘shut-the-fuck-up-and-listen’ voice, Artem spoke over the still ongoing argument.
(“YOU SLEPT WITH LUKE! MY BEST FRIEND! YOU BASTARD!”
“I THOUGHT LAWYERS WEREN'T MEANT TO MAKE BASELESS ACCUSATIONS?”)
“Marius.”
“WHAT DO… You want..?” Marius was quick to change his tone when he realised he was no longer being addressed by only Robin anymore, he didn't really feel like yelling at Artem, he did nothing wrong.
“Let's run through what happened, okay? We'll try and figure out what gave you the rash because, and I can confidently assure you of this, that you are not allergic to Luke Pearce.”
Artem could barely believe this was something he would have to investigate and figure out. What happened to the actual NXX work? Where did the cases go? Why did he have to find out Marius's allergies?
Either way, he had to take on this task. Vyn had already left, leaving the room like a ghost as he snuck out and left this nonsense to him. He was truly evil sometimes.
“How can you be so confident, huh? What if I am some freak of nature-” Marius was cut off.
“Well-”
“Robin, do not start.. Please.” Artem rubbed at his forehead as he slumped into his chair, looking at her with a tired look. She was his only sanity in this place, but she always got full of adrenaline and whatnot whenever she got into an argument (an interesting trait for a lawyer) so he wasn't exactly put off by her attitude. He just couldn't deal with that right now, he was blinded by stupidity.
“Artem, this is so serious, I can't be allergic to Luke, I think I'd just straight up die.” Marius was genuinely distressed, taking a seat at his usual spot, staring at Artem and completely ignoring Robin as he really wasn't over her completely baseless accusations.
“You aren't… Allergies don't work like that, Mar. What are you allergic to, if you don't mind? You were in an abandoned building, there are plenty of things you could've come into contact with.” Artem told him, both hoping to calm him down but also actually figure out what was the cause of this allergic reaction.
Robin had pulled out her phone at some point and had been typing away for a couple seconds before letting out a sigh and interrupting them.
“He's allergic to silver, plums, sweetcorn, latex, gelatin, copper, pollen, dust, formaldehyde, glycolic acid and he has mild lactose intolerance. Thank you, Vincent.” Robin listed everything with a blank expression before putting her phone down on the coffee table, crossing her arms and dead eyeing Marius yet again.
Artem and Marius both stared at her in horror, Marius more so, because he didn't even know about half of them? Since when was he allergic to sweetcorn? Artem was horrified, but also impressed by Robin's quick thinking to message Vincent instead of relying on Marius alone; he wasn't sure how trustworthy that account would be.
“Right… Thanks, Robin. So we can rule out a few things, mainly your food allergies… Dust and pollen wouldn't cause a single spot rash, and I can't imagine formaldehyde, or glycolic acid, would be in an abandoned building…”
Artem trailed off, thinking over the other possible options, before Robin jumped in again, fully in her ‘Marius von Hagen Accusatory Era’ and gave him a waggle of her finger.
“Tut, tut.. I bet it was latex… Can't believe you had sex with Luke in a gross abandoned hospital, you freak..” She said, narrowing her eyes at him, very upset at the very notion of Marius and Luke getting down and (literally) dirty.
“For fucks sake, Robin! We didn't do anything! Look if we did, I wouldn't be complaining about a rash, I bet I'd have other marks to worry about!” Marius stared at her, once again ready to start this argument, weapons at the ready, his hands clutching at one of the pillows he had taken control of, his much preferred weapon of choice.
“Shut your face! I don't wanna think about that! Are you actively trying to-” Robin was about to pull out more accusations before Artem just put a finger to her lips, his expression basically begging with her to shut up so they can actually figure this out. Robin felt like she'd been shot, and immediately nodded, putting a hand over her mouth as she accepted his disappointment in her. His expression was wounding, and she would no longer be talking.
“Thank you.. Marius, what were you actually doing with Luke?” Artem was so tired. He was sick and tired of all this but here he was, dealing with what felt like two children.
Marius took a deep breath and began to recount what their abandoned hospital visit entailed, from nearly dying to encountering a raccoon within the building and many more little things they got up to. Artem had no idea how a CEO and a detective ended up having enough free time to go and do urban exploration but he was in no place to question it.
Unknown to Marius, Luke had walked in from behind, listening in with a grin on his face before leaning on the back of Marius's chair, ruffling his hair once he finished retelling their adventure.
“I didn't realise you enjoyed our time together that much, Mari, I'm glad exploration is your thing!” Luke looked down at him, laughing at how Marius jumped out of his skin at Luke's sudden approach.
“Fucking hell, you need to start learning how to walk louder!”
Robin and Artem watched the two of them, Robin having her eyes narrowed his suspicion as she looked at Artem. Artem just shrugged and looked at Luke before noticing something he thought was quite significant.
“Luke.. Since when did you start wearing rings?” Artem enquired over the top of their bickering (why was there so much bickering today?), noticing that he was wearing a ring on his left hand, a simple silver looking band.
Luke looked up at Artem and then back down at his hand, like he had forgotten he was wearing it and gave Artem a casual smile. “Well, I got it as a ‘thank you’ present from someone who's antique music box I fixed, it's pretty cool! It's proper silver, and has a few engravings on it, so I decided to start wearing it.”
And, folks, we have our answer to the great mystery, the solution we'd all been waiting for that was honestly very explainable. Luke must have had that ring on when he touched Marius's thigh, and Marius is allergic to silver. Simple. And now Artem is the one feeling like a detective and feels as if he can finally rest in peace.
Marius seems to have come to the same conclusion and is just gazing out with his lips pursed in embarrassment, his cheeks becoming a little flushed as he realised he was a fool. He looked up at Luke, giving him a weird looking smile.
“Hey, so.. Fun fact… Did you know, my lovely, wonderful Luke Pearce, that I am actually allergic to silver?” Marius told him, side-eying his ring and watching as Luke's eyes went wide, his expression looking quite upset.
“Ah, shit, really? I need to get a list of everyone's allergies, just in case.. Sorry about that, I haven't touched you accidentally with it, have I?” Luke quickly removed the ring, placing it in his pocket and taking a seat on the arm of Marius's chair, giving him an apologetic grin.
Marius just shook his head, watching Luke, not blinking at all as he sat next to him before turning away and looking to the side. Robin had her eyes trained on Marius, smelling bullshit from a mile away before leaning back in her chair.
“He's also allergic to latex, so be extra careful with that one, Luke.” She said, incredibly intentional with her words and not at all giving up on her theory. Artem heard her and just put his head in his hands, fully prepared to leave and maybe even bring Robin with him, who knows what she'd get up to with just her, Marius and Luke.
Luke looked at Robin, the two making direct eye contact for a few long seconds before he just smiled and rested his elbow on Marius's head. “Yeah, I know about that one. Don't worry, I won't be giving him any kind of rash, if I can prevent it.”
Marius let out a weird spluttering kind of noise and Robin immediately stood up, followed shortly by Artem, who was just finally glad to be getting out of here before the conversation turned… Weird.
As she gathered up her things, tossing her bag onto her shoulder, Robin looked at Luke, the two of them obviously doing their scary telepathy thing that they did much too frequently before nodding, and Robin patted Luke's shoulder as Marius recovered slightly, looking disappointed that they were leaving.
Robin headed towards the door while Artem hung around for a second, looking at the two before shaking his head and sighing.
“I hope you're happy together.” He said before heading off with Robin, wondering if that was the right thing to say as he heard Robin immediately burst into laughter, hearing a few crashes behind him, signifying that Luke had fallen off the arm of the chair and Marius once again letting out some weird squawk noise like he often did when embarrassed.
But Artem didn't turn back, no sir, he was completely and utterly done for the day, rubbing at his head as he walked out with Robin beside him, still laughing to herself. He looked over at her, giving her a tired smile as he took out his phone.
“Do you think Celestine would let me have a day off tomorrow?”
“I think she'd cry tears of joy if you asked for a day off, Artie.. Are you going to?”
“No.”