Chapter Text
The morning sunlight filtered through the curtains. The curtains themselves swayed gently in the brisk autumn breeze. The autumn breeze, though invisible, revealed itself with everything it touched. From the rustling of the leaves to the chasing of the clouds. Even the grass displayed the wind, bending in time to the currents and gusts of the breeze.
Jane sat next to the open window with a cup of chamomile tea steaming in her hand. The vapor swirled delicately before a breeze shot through the window. Jane loved to watch the wind, so playful and unconcerned. If only the wind would whisk her away to some far off land. Maybe teach her how to be unbothered by obstacles. The only dilemma was invisibility. Jane both longed and feared being invisible.
Jane sighed heavily. She loved these quiet, contemplative mornings. She hadn’t embarrassed herself yet, and there was no one to impose on her. But sometimes, these mornings took a depressing turn.
Sometimes, she wished that Lizzy could help with her plight, but like the wind, Lizzy didn’t understand what it was to be held down by your own feelings. The customary moment of jealousy rose within Jane.
She loved talking with Lizzy at night. It was one of her most treasured times of the day. Lizzy had a playful manner that shaped problems to be laughable, or at least not as frightening. Jane loved talking until she fell asleep. She could keep Lizzy awake to laugh with and talk with for hours. But eventually, Lizzy would fall asleep, and Jane could only pray to follow quickly, or else she would have hours of self reprimands and reliving embarrassments. In the dark of the night, her memory was infallible. Embarrassments back in her Janie days would make her want to scratch her eyes out.
But thankfully, the sun would rise, and with it, Lizzy for her morning walk. Jane would put a pot in the embers and huddle back in bed until the water was warm enough for tea. Then she would sit in the window and watch the world awaken, from the safety and solitude of her room. She loved these quiet mornings when the only things awake in the house were her and gratitude.
By the time Jane would come down the stairs for breakfast, the rest of her family was already seated. Today, Mrs Bennet was declaring that a Mr. Bingley was single, and not only that, but in possession of a large fortune. Surely he was in want of a wife!
Inwardly, Jane groaned and wondered if it wasn’t too late to feign sickness. “No,” she thought, “this will land at my feet the moment I could pretend recovery. The agony of waiting isn’t worth the momentary reprieve.” She gathered up breakfast as her mother tried to convince her father to marry one of them off post haste.
“I will give my hearty consent to his marrying whichever he chooses of the girls: though I must throw in a good word for my little Lizzy” Mr. Bennet chuckled. Jane bristled at the thought of throwing Lizzy to a stranger.
“A fine thing,” Jane thought, “to marry Lizzy - or any one of us - to a person wholly unknown to us. What of his vices?”
“I desire you will do no such thing. Lizzy is not a bit better than the others” Mrs Bennet announced, to Jane’s further irritation, “and I am sure she is not half so handsome as Jane, nor half so good humored as Lydia. But you are always giving her preference!” Mrs Bennet finished with a huff.
This conversation, while commonplace, was still distressing to Jane. The inclusion of Lydia in her mothers hopes made Jane more fearful of her position. As if to confirm Janes thoughts, her father laughed.
“They have none of them much to recommend them. They are all silly and ignorant, like other girls; but Lizzy has something more of quickness than her sisters!”
Janes stomach rolled anxiously, and she lost her appetite. Jane stared at her food. She didn't want to hear of Lizzy being disparaged, but she felt sick with her father openly disregarding her. Lizzy, however, ate with the nonchalance of a breeze. How Jane envied her. She glanced around the table as her mother bewailed her nerves. Her father chuckled, delighted at the mess, but Jane could see through her father. Like recognized like.
Her fathers nerves would put Mrs Bennets to shame, but he cleverly hid them behind wit and disparagement. He hid his anxieties so well that even his proclaimed favorite, Lizzy, was fooled. But Jane saw and hated that he sacrificed the well-being of his family for his own amusement.
Her mother, on the other hand, was wildly exuberant and single-minded. She had no nerves beyond rational ones. A fear of the cold winter nights, with five children, no husband, and no home. Yes, for a simple-minded woman, she had a singular goal in mind: to escape the hedgerows and save as many children as she could. Even if she had to sacrifice one of them.
Jane had unfortunately inherited her father's anxiety, but her mothers beauty. It was a brutal combination so that she could never live in the shadows, no matter how she wished to. Lizzy was her favorite and helped Jane live center stage of the county.
Lizzy had her fathers wit and intellect, paired with her mothers ease amongst strangers. A charming, endearing combination that Jane coveted.
Mary had her fathers knack for disparagement and a single-minded drive from her mother. Mary wanted Jane's position, to be center stage, the jewel of the county, the belle of every ball. However, Jane’s appearance eclipsed Mary, so Mary strove for talents and exhibitions. Once Kitty and Lydia also outgrew Mary in appearance, she turned to lecturing. By bringing her sister down, then maybe she could rise above.
Kitty was the closest to Jane, inheriting anxiety and beauty, but after watching Jane's constant pressure made Kitty fearful. She rejected any burden, clinging to her space and her things. Her near constant apprehension, from watching Jane’s burden, hearing Mrs. Bennet’s predictions of the future, internalizing Mr Bennet’s disparagements and Lydias bullying the little position Kitty held, caused her to be sickly. Kitty was forever coughing and complaining of stomach aches.
This just added to the stress of the household. Kittywas told it wasn’t as terrible as she pretended. But Jane saw. Jane herself had constant head aches, continual stomach aches that she covered up. Kitty was so anxious that it wrecked her physical well-being.
Then there was Lydia. Jane’s gaze rested on the shiftless, impish girl. She was her mothers daughter, for the most part, save a wicked streak of her father's intelligence. Lydia added to Jane’s burden, almost as if placing a time limit on her. Jane must make an excellent match and save her family before Lydia could ruin them all.
With every passing month, Jane grew more anxious. Lydia grew more wild. She was starting to ignore the scoldings of Jane. Worse, the set downs of Lizzy had less and less effect on Lydia. Jane knew her mother would find some way to throw them in the path of this Mr Bingley. Jane watched Lydias' willful declarations and disregard for any barb Mr Bennet threw and felt that time was indeed waning thin.
Jane’s eyes swept over Kitty, a sweet girl who just needed a reprieve. Mary, who needed to shine and see how exhausting center stage was. Lizzy, her dearest sister, who longed for love and respect. She had to save them!
Maybe Mr Bingley would have to do.