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The girl is nice. She’s pretty. Big eyes, plush lips, a kind smile, dimples.
Fucking dimples.
Her hair’s long and curly, doesn’t remind Steve of anyone in particular.
It doesn’t.
He does not think about someone else when the warm colour of her brown irises makes him remember.
Steve tries to listen when she talks, tries to laugh when she giggles sweetly, tries not to jerk away when she brushes his hand in a flirty manner but it’s hard to focus when his mind isn’t where it should be.
Did she just ask him a question?
“You didn’t even listen, huh?”
Steve shakes his head, looks back up at her, tries for an apologetic smile but to his confusion, she doesn’t even seem mad at him for not paying attention.
No, it’s worse.
She’s got that empathic, knowing look in her eyes. Like she can see right through him.
You’re so easy to read, baby.
Words from the past are echoing in his mind. It's true; he was never good at pretending.
“I’m not boring you, am I.”
It’s not really a question. The girl knows she’s a good catch, knows she isn’t the problem – Steve is.
“No, uh. Sorry, I-“
Who is he even trying to fool? No excuse he’s trying to come up with would be good enough because if he looks how he feels, it must be written all over his face. No way to hide the obvious.
I can see it in your eyes, baby. Your eyes always tell the truth.
Steve should’ve known it was a bad idea the moment he saw her picture, noticed the similarities. She instantly reminded him of-
He shouldn’t have agreed to this date.
Not because he doesn’t like her, no. She’s perfect, really. Or she would be.
They matched on a dating app Steve stupidly downloaded with no real intent to meet anyone, texted a bit back and forth, and Steve couldn’t deny that he liked her. She was fun to talk to, made him laugh. And when she asked him if he wanted to meet, he thought that maybe it would help. That maybe this was his sign to finally get his ass back out there. He’d been holed up at home for too long. Sulking, sad, depressed.
Life just hasn’t been the same ever since.
His favourite meal has lost its taste. His favourite songs all sound off-key. Going to his favourite bar just seems like a waste of time - Steve’s life has lost its light, making everything seem dark and grey and dull.
Nothing is right anymore because everything reminds him of Eddie.
And Steve himself is the one to blame for his misery.
“What’s wrong?” she asks and Steve knows there’s no point in trying to pretend that everything’s fine when nothing ever is. Not anymore.
“I-“ Steve hesitates. He doesn’t want to bother her with his mess, didn’t come here to whine about things he can’t change. She didn’t come here to listen to him talk about his goddamn ex for fuck’s sake!
“I’m sorry for being such bad company,” Steve apologises and means it. She deserves better, could’ve gone on a date with someone worth spending her time with.
Someone actually interested in... something. Anything. Whatever it is she’s looking for.
Steve’s not it, that much is clear.
He’s not ready to move on. Maybe he never will be. Because what he had was all he ever wanted, all he ever needed to be happy. Life was good, perfect, before he ruined it all. Let the love of his life slip away because he was too afraid of the what ifs. So he pushed and he fought and he hurt the one that would’ve given him everything.
Now, Steve is just an empty shell of the man he used to be. Because the day Eddie left, he took Steve’s heart and soul with him, left him empty and broken and sad.
So fucking sad.
“You remind me of my ex.” The words are out before he can swallow them back down.
“Oh,” she answers, expression neutral. “Bad break-up?”
Steve nods. He doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t want to think about the day his whole life fell apart but-
“It was my fault. He left me because I fucked it up.”
The truth still hurts, even after all those months.
“What did you do?”
Steve and Eddie had met through a mutual friend, Dustin. It wasn’t quite love at first sight but close to it.
They quickly became friends, started hanging out on weekends, then, soon, even during the week. Spending the evenings after work at each other’s places, cooking dinner together, watching movies, talking.
Steve had never felt so drawn to another person, had never felt so comfortable in someone else’s presence. Eddie was... he was funny, kind, loud and wild. He had all these big dreams about what he wanted to do with his life. Dreams that were so very different from the small-town life Steve had always resigned himself to. Eddie wanted to travel the country, sleep under the stars, wake up next to a lake, follow the wind to wherever it would take him.
He wanted to be free.
But he stayed.
Eddie stayed because when they shared their first kiss in a weak moment of alcohol-fuelled recklessness, they ignited a fire that became too big too fast, making it impossible to smother the flames before they turned into burning desire that took a hold of them both. Scorching its way into their hearts where it settled, warm and bright, making light in every dark corner of their being.
It was the second first kiss that sealed their fate – a sober, slow, and tentative kiss in the low light of the morning sun that wiped away any worries and doubts Steve had when he woke up in Eddie’s arms after a night spent giving into their unspoken feelings as they took each other apart, not thinking about the consequences.
Knowing what it was like to wake up next to each other – the actions of the night before reflecting on their skin in form of scratch marks and colourful bruises – made it impossible to go back to simply being friends, to stay apart, to not fall in love.
There was this unshakable pull between their bodies they couldn’t fight anymore. A connection from one soul to the other so deep, neither of them had ever felt anything remotely close to before.
Eddie and Steve were meant to be.
Together, everything felt right.
So, Eddie stayed for Steve because he knew he wasn’t as adventurous, that Steve was content with his life as it was – working his 9 to 5 job, living in his small but cosy apartment, hanging out at the same bar with the same people week after week.
Eddie willingly put his own dreams aside for Steve who knew he could never repay him for the sacrifices he made just to be with him, tried to thank him every day by showing and telling him how much he loved him. And things were good, perfect.
Until-
“I don’t understand,” she says quietly when Steve takes a moment to breathe away the ache in his heart and the tears threatening to spill, “that sounds like a dream come true. What happened?”
Steve smiles sadly, sighs.
“Yeah, felt like a dream, too. But the thing with dreams is that no matter how beautiful they are, inevitably you will wake up.”
And a beautiful dream it was. Life was full of love and laughter and happy moments spent together, until Eddie proposed and Steve said No and the world tumbled down.
Because it was in that moment – with Eddie down on one knee, the simple gold ring Steve knew had belonged to Eddie’s uncle held between his thumb and finger as an offer, a promise to be his forever – that Steve realised he couldn’t do this to him. He couldn’t marry Eddie and keep him trapped in a life he never wanted just because Steve was too scared of giving up the safety of his home for a life on the road with no destination ahead and an unforeseeable future.
Steve said no to set him free but even then, Eddie kept fighting for him, fucking apologised for putting ‘so much pressure’ on Steve with his question which- was insane because Eddie had done nothing wrong, ever. He had never been anything but wonderful and considerate and perfect. Steve had been the one not willing to compromise, who inadvertently put Eddie in a cage of his own making.
So he pushed and he fought and he hurt Eddie in order to give him back his freedom, thinking, believing he was doing the right thing. It was only when Eddie packed his bags and left that Steve realised, he had made the biggest mistake of his life.
The moment Eddie walked out the door without looking back, Steve knew he had lost everything.
“Well, shit. I’m sorry but I gotta say it. You’re a fool, Steve. That- Jesus, I don’t even know where to begin.” The girl rubs her forehead, brows pinched together in mild frustration.
“Told ya I fucked it all up.”
“Where is he now?”
“Hm?”
“Eddie. Where did he go?”
“I, uh...” Steve shouldn’t know the answer to this but he does. Because Dustin told him. Tells him whenever he gets a call or another postcard from Eddie, ignoring the fact that it tears Steve apart every time. Or maybe he does it on purpose, punishing Steve for hurting his friend. And Steve lets him, never complains, always holds back his tears until he’s back in his fortress of solitude, where he can drown in his pain and sorrow.
He deserves to suffer for what he did.
Dustin was the one that introduced them. He was so happy for them when they finally came out to him and confessed their love for each other.
Their breakup hit him harder than Steve ever thought it would. And sometimes Steve thinks Dustin still refuses to accept the fact that Steve and Eddie are just Steve and Eddie now. A fact that Steve would give everything to change.
“He’s in Michigan.That’s all I know.”
“Huh.” She cocks her head, smiles. “It’s been what, 5 months you said? Pretty sure he could’ve gotten a lot further by now.”
“What do you mean?”
“For someone who’s always wanted to travel the whole damn country, he didn’t really make it that far.”
“Eddie never made plans on where he wanted to go. Maybe he found a nice place to stay for a while before he lets his heart take him somewhere else.”
“Staying conveniently close for no reason whatsoever. Got it,” she scoffs.
Steve looks at her with pleading eyes, needs her to stop giving him ideas, can’t allow himself to let hope bloom.
“He’s free to go wherever he wants," he says, more to himself than to her.
“Steve?” She sits up taller, grabs his hands across the table and waits for him to look up. “Maybe what Eddie really wants is for you to tell him to come home. Ever thought of that?”
Her words hit him hard like a slap across the face, ringing loudly in his ears.
“What if- what if you’re wrong? What if he doesn’t?” Steve stutters, can’t believe he’s even thinking about it. About asking Dustin for Eddie’s new number or an address, anything to contact him. Will drop to his knees and beg Eddie for forgiveness if that’s what it takes to bring him home. To bring him back into his life where he belongs, where he always belonged.
“You’ll never know if you don’t try.”
It's such a simple answer and she’s right.
That girl is is pretty and smart and she’s absolutely right! Steve has been a coward for long enough. It's time to finally fix his mistakes and even if nothing comes out of it - he needs to at least try.
“I’m sorry for ruining our date,” Steve says honestly, feels bad for wasting her time.
“Ah, don’t worry. I’m always happy to help a friend,” she answers, smiles like she means it. And yeah, Steve will gladly accept her friendship, hopes he can repay her for her kindness and support one day.
“I’m scared.”
“Well, you should be. That’s what makes you human.”
“Thank you. For everything.”
“Go get your man. If you want to make it up to me, you can invite me to your wedding and introduce me to your favourite cousin or something,” she laughs and despite the lingering fear of what he’s about to do, he can’t help but laugh with her.
She is pretty and kind and smart and funny and Steve knows exactly who he’s going to introduce her to.
Robin’s going to love her.
It’s already late when Steve shows up on Dustin’s doorstep with his heart in his throat and his whole body shaking.
But it couldn’t wait.
When Dustin opens the door, he can immediately tell that something isn’t right, doesn’t even say anything, just opens his arms and pulls Steve into a tight embrace.
And Steve lets himself be held together for the time being, before he can’t hold back the tears anymore.
“I need his number, Dustin. Or an address. I know you know where he is. I have to- I have to apologise. I have to make things right. I want-“
“Steve?”
Dustin lets go of him and Steve stumbles backwards, startled by the sound of the voice that isn’t Dustin’s.
“Eddie?!” Shock, relief and confusion resonate in that one word, the name of the man that owns his heart.
“What are you-“
“I’ll give you two some space,” Dustin says quickly, waiting for Eddie to step out of the doorway so he can slip inside and close the door behind him.
They’re face to face now, out in the open, the night air warm and the sky full of stars, and although he can see him, Steve still can’t believe that he’s real.
“Eddie,” Steve repeats, has all these things on his mind, words that are trying to spill over his lips - the apology he owes him, the feelings he wants to confess. But none of these things make it out when he finally opens his mouth to speak.
“You left me!”
He knows it isn’t fair and it’s not meant as an accusation, sounds like one though. And Steve can see in the way Eddie furrows his brows and tightens his lips, that it wasn’t the right thing to say.
“You told me to.” Eddie’s answer is short but calm, not filled with anger like Steve expected.
“I wanted you to stay!”
Steve isn’t calm. His voice is trembling and too loud but he couldn’t care less about disrupting Dustin’s neighbours’ sleep because he’s standing in front of Eddie, his Eddie, and he needs to make this right but he doesn’t know how because all his brain offers is a never-ending loop of I love yous and I’m sorrys but he knows that it isn’t enough. It can’t be enough. Because Eddie is right. Steve did tell him to leave. What right does he have to demand Eddie back? What right does he have to ask for forgiveness?
“I didn’t want you to leave but I was scared that you’d wake up one day and realise that being with me isn’t enough. That being in love isn’t worth giving up your dreams. You shouldn’t have to give up your dreams for me! I should’ve gone with you. I love you. I-”
Steve is crying, can’t stop shaking. He’s so angry at himself, feels so powerless and stupid. And Eddie just stands there and stares at him confused like he doesn’t understand what Steve is saying, like he doesn’t know that Steve would do everything for a second chance.
Just when Steve is about to give up, turns to go because if he stays here any longer, he’ll fall to his knees and make an even bigger fool of himself than he already has, two strong arms wrap around him from behind, keeping him from walking away.
“Don’t go,” Eddie whispers into his hair, tightens his grip to emphasise his words. “Stay.”
It’s what Steve should’ve said all those months ago, when he said the opposite instead.
Slowly, Steve turns within the arms holding him until he’s facing Eddie again. Eddie, who is so close now, Steve could bring their lips together by only moving in another inch or two. Could kiss away the tears running down Eddie’s cheeks.
“I can’t live without you, Eddie.”
“Then let me be with you.”
Their third first kiss is an angry one, rough and desperate. Full of regrets they swallow from each other’s lips, drinking them up to make them go away. To make it better. To make it right.
“Marry me, Steve.”
The answer comes easy this time - one word, a promise.
Forever, never apart, wherever it'll take them.