Chapter Text
“...I used to wish to live a full life with you, until we got old, but now we can’t grow old anyway.”
These words Li Susu spoke to Tantai Jin in their final moments together reverberated in her skull as she hugged the stone where her beloved husband – who never felt courageous enough to claim such a title for himself, even in death – had carved the marker for his final resting place. He had resolutely marched to death and saved her without even knowing whether the sincerity she felt matched his own. His conjuration of her to say the words she’d never spoken broke her heart anew. She agreed with every word her phantom self had said. Why had she never said them herself? He was just Tantai Jin. He wasn’t a monster. He was the person she loved most in the world. But now he was gone, and she was doomed to live without him.
With her divine awareness she also saw the past scenes of this lonely tomb, where an emperor in red and green finery clutched a veil and jade pendant from their doomed wedding day, weeping as he carved the stone for the woman he would search for until his body nearly dissolved in the Nether River. Even with the pain of six soul-slaying spikes scratching his heart meridians, he never gave up on her.
Oh, how deeply he had loved her. And how completely she had failed to grasp that love before it was gone. Tears and screams could only vent a sliver of the pain that boiled inside her, wracking her body as much as the lightning bolts that helped her shed her lingering attachment to him and ascend with the Heartless Way. Now she grabbed every scrap of that love back, feeling its jagged edges in the hope that, by bleeding, she could remember it more clearly.
“I wished to live a full life with you.”
“I wished to grow old with you.”
“If only I had trusted you.”
“If only I had told you.”
She sobbed these words into the cold stone, knowing no one would hear. But someone did.
—
Under a bridge, with the lively sounds of the Qixi festival echoing in her ears, she felt the words she wanted to say to Tantai Jin on the tip of her tongue. Her true name, her mission, his unfortunate fate due to the Evil Bone. Would she be able to stay with him then? Could she avoid the cruelty of using the soul-slaying spikes now that he understood the beauty of the world?
She began to tell him, but they were interrupted by Nian Baiyu. The words were so hard to say, anyway. Perhaps she could tell him another time, once she determined the best way to say words that would undoubtedly be difficult to hear.
But a voice in her mind that sounded like her, choked with tears, said very clearly over and over as if it was an echo in a large room, “If only I had told you.”
So she reached out to grab his sleeve before he could leave with Nian Baiyu, gripping it firmly in her fist. Even if it was late at night, even if the words were hard to say, she had to tell him. She knew it deep in her bones, felt it in the painful clenching of her chest as if her heart was broken.
“Wait, Tantai Jin—what I have to say is important. Please.” She knew she was furrowing her brow like she tended to do when she was deep in thought, and she felt the tears pooling in her eyes in desperation. Surely he could see these signs, too. The black-clad emperor, resplendent in his feathers and emerald crown, turned back to face her. He waved his lieutenant off.
Once again he embraced her, and gently wiped a tear from her cheek she didn’t know had fallen before asking, “Now, what were you going to say, Ye Xiwu?”
With a deep breath, she opened her mouth and decided to start by introducing herself.