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Kurt was due back yesterday and I toy with the idea of calling him. Or should I wait for him to call me? I don't want to come off as too desperate but at this point, I kind of am. We've been "kinda" seeing other for months. Apparently it falls to me to make this official. Which is why I should call him. He also hasn't mentioned anything about his father. I should definitely call him; if it's good news we'll celebrate with a date, if it's bad news I'll pick up a pint of ice cream and head over to his place.
I'm doing it. I'm calling him right now.
"Oh! Hey! Adam, hi," he answers on the third ring. His sweet voice is pitched higher than usual like it was that day he asked me if I'd like to get coffee with him. It's terribly endearing, the way he sucks in a deep breath and seemingly forgets how to let it out when he's nervous.
"Hey, you," I reply lightly, "How was Ohio?"
Another deep breath on his end and I can almost see how his chest puffs out and he draws his shoulders back in perfect posture.
"Good! Good! My dad's cancer free," and here he trails off and I know there's something he wants to say but can't.
"That's great! You should let me take you out tonight. As a celebration of your dad's health and as a welcome home."
An exhale from his side and he's remembered how to release the deep breath from a moment ago. I know he has allowed his shoulders to slump forward again in relief.
"No. Listen Adam. Meet me at the coffee shop by my apartment?"
Okay, not relief then. Defeat is sounding more accurate. Luckily for both of us, I'm much more adept at hiding a sudden case of nerves.
"That eager to see me, huh? I can be there in about twenty minutes?"
"That'd be great. Thanks Adam."
It's probably the same confession I received the last time he went home to Ohio. The ex he just can't shake. It hurt, when he told me they'd hooked up after the wedding. I couldn't find the heart to tell him that made him just as much of a cheater as Blaine. Yet, here I am. I didn't bail on him after a moment of weakness. Maybe I should have though.
As I hailed a cab, I made myself a promise. If Kurt had hooked up with his ex again I'll back off, give up on the idea of "us." If not, I'll bolster up the courage to make it official.
He's already there when I arrive, seated at one of the tables along the side of the building, two cardboard cups of coffee in front of him. I smile to myself as I recall our first coffee date and how he interrogated me regarding my coffee order like it was the most intimate detail to learn about a person.
He's fidgeting, twisting the fingers of his right hand around his left. When he sees me approaching his left hand drops to his lap quickly while his right fumbles for his coffee cup.
He looks like a deer caught in the headlights, his eyes so wide I can see the blue from across the cafe.
I smile reassuringly, even as my own confidence quakes under the intensity of his nerves. I swoop in and press a light kiss to his cheek before sitting down across from him.
"Hello, Kurt," I greet him, making sure my voice remains light and cheerful. I think my efforts must have fallen flat if the pained look on his face is anything to go by.
Here it comes, the deep breath, shoulders pulling back, and I feel my heart start to crack. I wrap both hands around my coffee and force myself to keep holding his gaze.
"Adam. I-" he swallows hard, "I'm so sorry. You've been so amazing."
I hold my breath because really, this could go either way, right? He's twisting his fingers together again and I reach out to put my hand over his left.
He lets out a gasp and I drop my eyes to our hands as my finger runs over a smooth metal band wrapped around his finger. His ring finger. His left ring finger. I jerk my hand away as if it might bite. He's rambling, gesturing wildly, the sun catching on the silver ring but my brain isn't processing anything.
A week, he was gone a week. To see his father. And he comes back engaged. Engaged to the ex he told me he 'desperately wanted to be over.' I've been such a fool.
"Kurt..." is all I can manage, hating my traitorous voice for breaking over that one syllable.
He falls silent immediately, staring at me expectantly but my vocal chords are frozen. I shake my head and push to my feet. I find myself in the back of a cab with no recollection of leaving the cafe or where I told the cabbie to take me. I bring my hands up to my face and realize they're trembling. God, I hope I told the cab driver my address, the last thing I need to do is break down in public.
My phone breaks the silence with "In Your Eyes." It's the song I chose for Kurt's ringtone even though he protested admirably. After he came back from the wedding I made good on my plan to find us a sappy romantic movie of our own but it wasn't easy. So many were shot down, including When Harry Met Sally.
I hit the ignore icon on my phone and moments later a text comes through.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. Please call me.
No. I can't. Not now. I should have realized back in February, if not earlier, that I would never be a priority. I probably didn't cross his mind once until he was on the plane back, or god forbid, when my name appeared on his caller id a little over a half hour ago.
I'm just Adam. Just someone to have around when the loneliness gets to be too much to bear. Someone to fill in the spaces left by Blaine. Only, instead of filling in the cracks, I just covered them, like a bandage. There was no space for me.
They were, are, and always will be Kurt and Blaine. And I’m just Adam.