Chapter Text
He was sitting in the waiting area of the doctor's office, his ears were keep buzzing after the explosion in New York, to the point that even Emily had realised that something more serious must have going on. His last hearing results were very inconclusive, and the doctor was very worried about his hearing in the long term.
She had told him to come back if something was feeling off, and something was definitely feeling off. Every time a sudden, loud noise comes near him, his ears start buzzing so hard that he can barely hear anything, and even though his hearing eventually does come back, his ears won't stop buzzing.
"Agent Hotchner?" he turned to see the doctor, hoping she could make out any microexpression, but he was too tired to even do that. So he just got up and followed her to her office, closing the door behind him.
"Agent Hotchner, are you sure you don't want somebody here with you? It would make you feel more comfortable and soothe your anxiety. We could wait for your wife if you want to." He took a deep breath, bracing himself for the bad news, that he was sure was coming.
"No, it's alright; she is away on a case. Just tell me the results, doctor, please, it's already been a hard week."
"And It won't become any easier, Agent. I am sorry, but I don't have good news for you."
He was losing his hearing, damn. The doctor had told him that the hearing from his right ear was not salvageable, while in his left ear he had some hopes of keeping a small percent with a hearing aid. A percentage that won't give him back his life or his job. A percentage that wouldn't allow him to keep hearing Emily's voice or his children's laughter again.
Oh god, his children, how could he tell them that their dad, wouldn't be able to talk to them again?
How could he tell his team that he was forced into early retirement?
And Emily, god, Emily deserved so much better and so much more of what he could offer her. How would Emily react to the news?
He needed more time; he needed time to process; he needed time to think about what was coming next; he needed more time.
And that was a luxury he didn't have.
His drive home was torture and made his already restless mind even worse. He just kept going through all the things that he wouldn't be able to do and the life that he would have to eventually give up. When he reached the door, he took a deep breath and put on his best smile—not that Emily wouldn't see right through it, but their kids wouldn't, and that was his goal for now.
The moment he opened the door, he was greeted with a tight hug on the leg from their three-year-old, who was screaming.
"Dada is home. Mama, come; Dada is here." Three-year-old Matthew is as loud as they come, always happy to see his parents, and always in trouble. He truly is his mother's son.
"Hey, Matty, how about you let me close the door first?" But Matty didn't really care about the open door; he was already demanding the mandatory cuddles from his father. "Matty, let dad breath for a second." Emily's voice, in the end, persuaded him to let go of his father.
"You know he listens to you, right?" he says to Emily with the biggest smile while she approaches him and envelopes him in the biggest hug possible. He gives into her embrace and kisses the top of her hair.
"Yeah, because you spoil him rotten, and he knows it. How was the seminar?" And then it hit him; that's what he had told her he had scheduled for today.
"Boring, and it caused me a headache; can we go sit on the couch and do nothing for a minute?" He knew that Emily would see that there is something else going on, but he hoped he would give him some time before she started with the questions.
"Matty, why don't you go in Jack's room and help him build his new Lego set?" and Matthew flew away, screaming happily at his brother. "What's going on with you lately, Aaron, and why were you the only one who had to have the damn seminar? He knew he was unfair to her, but he couldn't confront the truth just yet, and so he lied.
"Nothing, I am just tired, and Em, I am the boss; that's why I do all of that."
"Tired and boss, right? When you find some better excuses, I am waiting, Hotch." Referring to him as Hotch inside their house is never a good thing, and it always stings. Usually he deserves it, but today he really didn't. How could she know, though? She couldn't. He didn't have the chance to say anything because she left and went to the bathroom, closing the door behind her.
"Aaron...want...fine...but...." Emily was talking to him, but the closed door, in combination with her frastrating rant, made it difficult for him to understand her. One more thing to add to the list of annoying things. He finally realized that he was still standing in front of the door, so he made his way to Jack's room without answering to whatever Emily was saying, not that he could anyway. He went upstairs and heard the two boys laughing and happily chatting. Jack was giving Matthew instructions about where each of the peaces was going. He opened the door slowly and leaned agaist it watching his two boys.
"Hey dad, why are you standing there? Come and help us." Jack was very much like his mother when it came to looks and attitude. Aaron sat down with his children and starting helping them with the Lego set. "Daaaad, that's not where it goes."
"I'm sorry, buddy. Let's try it again without whining this time, okay?" He took the piece out and tried again, but failed again. He didn't have the chance to try again, because Matty took over and placed it in it's right place.
"I am betterer dad." and he started laughing, causing Aaron to laugh with him. "Dad, mom is talking to you from downstairs." Matthew's words hit him like a hammer, and his face paled at the realization.
"Are you okay, dad? You look weird." Jack was looking at him, with his big blue eyes.
"I am fine, buddy. I'll go see what mom wants, okay?" and with that, he turned his back to the boys and left the room
"Hey dad, I love you." Jacks last words almost made him pass out; he wanted to remember that moment forever
"I love you too, Jack-Jack."
He went downstairs and found Emily on the couch with a cozy blanket on top of her. "You gone deaf or something? I've been calling for like five minutes." that's what destroyed him, that was the final straw on an extremely difficult day. He only registered that he was crying when Emily wiped the tears from his eyes. " Honey, you're worrying me. Whatever it is, I am right next to you, you know that, right?"
"Can you give me some time? I really don't want to talk about it yet." He was basically begging her to let him grieve the loss.
"Okay, I can do that, but you need to talk to me, Aaron; you are not alone." but he was alone. This time, he was alone, and that's what hurt him the most.
They ate dinner in silence, went to bed without talking, and woke up to their alarms without talking. They had breakfast without talking, drove the kids to school without talking, and reached the FBI parking lot without having said a word to each other for more than 16 hours. They made their way to the elevator, and before they became Agent Prentiss and Agent Hotchner, he turned his head and looked at her. "Emily, I love you." Her head snapped and she looked at him, surprised by his first words since yesterday.
"I love you too, Aaron." and the elevator doors open, and the moment is gone, but he will remember it forever.
"Good morning, team," he said, hiding his emotions and putting the face of the stoic Hotch on display once again. He left them and went to his office, closing the door behind him. He was doing the usual paperwork for about an hour when JJ barged into his office.
"Hotch, we have a case; everyone is waiting in the conference room. Are you coming?" Out of everyone, JJ was the only one who knew that something more serious was going on with him, but not the details.
"Yeah, where are the cases?" he was careful on how he phrased his question
"Florida. You're not coming with us, are you?" He didn't look at her, just shook his head. "Does Emily know?" Again, he couldn't look at his friend; he just shook his head.
"Talk to her, Hotch, it's already too late. Don't make it worse." they walked in the room and sat on the round table. He took a moment to look around the table to his friends; he didn't want to leave them, but he didn't have much of a choice anymore. He realized that JJ had stopped talking when everybody's head turned and looked at him, waiting for instructions.
"Rght, Morgan, you're in charge in this case. I am needed here. If you need anything, I am available. Wheels up in 20." he didn't stay for their reactions or questions. He only looked at Emily, but she was not looking at him; she was looking at David. He left his office 15 minutes later to make sure the team was on their way to the jet. He passed by Rossi's office and stopped when he heard Emily's voice.
"Are fucking kidding me? I knew that he was lying to me, but I didn't know he was lying for the seminar too. I am going to kill him, David, I swear.
"Okay, take a breath there Emily. I am telling you what I learned from Erin. I also know that JJ knows something, because she told me the same bullshit as you when I asked her."
"Okay then, I am going to kill both of them and you're going to be my allybi."
"It might not be anything Emily."
"David, he started sobbing in my hug, I asked what's going on and his answer was that he doesn't want to talk about it yet and we didn't have a single conversation until this morning on the elevator. How can it be anything other than serious.
":When you put that way. Come on kid, get up we have to go. We'll more about it after the case it over."
He went back to his office before they saw him or suspected that he heard their private conversation. From his window, he saw them walking to the elevator, and so he let out a frustrated breath. He put the conversation in the corner of his mind and focused all his energy in the reports in front of him. It had been a few hours when his door opened abruptly and Garcia walked in with her phone in her ear, talking to someone.
"Yes, he is right here, sir. Okay, I will tell him. Tell Emily that I will keep her informed." Garcia ended her call, and her eyes went directly to Hotch. He could see that she was angry and she was at him, that was new. He had seen her angry before, and it's always concerning, but he had never seen her angry at him.
"Rossi wants to know that you are an asshole." That was pretty direct. "respectfully sir."
"What did I do exactly to piss him off from Washington all the way to Florida?"
"It's not Rossi, sir; it's Emily that you pissed off. Apparently, she has called you 4 times in the last 2 hours, and you haven't answered any of them. She was very worried, sir." Hotch gives himself a moment for Garcia's word sink in. It was an unsettling thought that he didn't hear his phone, another reminder of the loss that takes over his life.
"I was on a meeting; it was on silent. I will call her once I am home." He didn't know if Penelope would be aware that he was lying about the meeting.
"Just don't do things like that; again, Hotch, she was worried." And with that, she left. Right then and there, he made a decision. He opened a brown envelope and started reading it's contents.
RETIREMENT PLANS
He read the contents of the letter three times before signing and putting the papers back in the envelope and back to his briefcase. He wouldn't give it just yet, because that would be like admitting defeat, instead, he went to Strauss's office. He really didn't want to do that, but he didn't have much of a choice anymore, so he knocked on the door and waited for the confirmation to come in.
"Ma'am, can I talk to you for a minute?" Strauss looks at him and indicates the empty seat next to him.
"I was expecting to see you, Agent Hotchner. What can I do for you?"
"Ma'am, I am sure you're aware of my latest health condition. My team doesn't know yet, neither about my health nor that I am retiring. My wife doesn't know, for that matter. I signed my retirement plan; what I need from you is time." he was aware that his anxiety was showing through his oversharing.
"Agent Hotchner, I am aware, I am not the BAU's favourite person, but you have been a more than capable leader throughout the years, and the beurau is very sad to see you gone. That being said, I cannot give you much time; what I can do is send you home until your team is back, and then you can have a couple of weeks to prepare your team for your retirement."
"Thank you, ma'am; that will do." he smiled at her, stood up and walked up to the exit of her office. He was almost outside her office when he heard her calling his name again.
"Aaron, can I give you a piece of advice? Don't deal with it as a curse thrown at you; confront it as another inconvenience. The world keeps turning, Aaron. But most importantly, talk to Prentiss; she is a far better woman than you're giving credit for." It was the first time he had heard real emotions in his bosses voice and he didn't know how to answer her, but he nodded and made his way to the elevator. Strauss's words were playing on his head again and again. The drive home was more of the same; his mind was restless, and the headache didn't really help.
The house was quiet and that's when he remembered that the boys were with Jess tonight. He had promised Penelope that he would call Emily once he was home, and he knew that his technical analyst would inform Em about it, so he changed his suit, opened the TV for some very much needed extra noise, and pulled his phone out. It rang a while before the call disconnected. He called a second time but the call wasn't answered this time, either. He didn't call a third time, maybe they were busy, she would call him when she was in the hotel, probably. He closed his eyes and to his surprise, he realized that he was tired. When he woke up, he looked at his watch and saw that he napped for about three hours, he had never taken a nap during the day in his life.
"You're awake at last. Aaron, what is this?" her voice rattled him, he didn't expect her to be back so soon
"Emily, what are you doing here? I thought you wouldn't come back until the end of this week."
"Yeah, that's what I thought too, but Strauss called me back, said I was urgently needed here, and now I can see why? So I am asking you again. What is this?" in her hands, she was holding the brown envelope that contained his retirement plans, already signed. "Why do you have a signed retirement plan with you?"
"Emily, I have to tell you something that only Strauss knows so far, and I think that's why she called you back." He watched as Emily's face changed from anger to concern as she sat down. Once she was seated, he took her hand and told her everything that the doctor had told him, as well as his concerns and insecurities with the hole situation. When he finished with his storytime, Emily had the sweetest smile on her face and with that smile on her face, she smacked him on the head.
"That was for worrying me, asshole. I thought you were leaving me or dying or something. Okay, so you're going deaf, so what? You are still Aaron Hotchner, the man that I fell in love with and had children with. You should have told me your concerns from the start. Some things are going to change out of necessity, but you're still you and I still love you"
"Say that again. Say that last part again, please." Emily was hugging him, and her soft voice in his shirt didn't reach his ears; he only knew she was talking because he felt it in his chest. "Emily, please say that again, louder; I want to remember what it feels like." She climbed on top of him and brought her lips to his left ear.
"I love you. I love you so much, so so so much. Never forget it."
It had been three days since he talked to Emily but he had already started realizing the deterioration of his hearing, especially in his right ear. Emily was set on teaching him sign language before he lost his hearing completely. They sat on the bed for hours, just the two of them talking about anything and everything. They would have to talk to the kids as soon as they were back from Jesse's, and they would have to tell the team the truth when they were back too.
He felt a finger poking him on the shoulder, and he saw Emily behind him with a sad smile on her face. He knew what it meant; she had been calling his name for a while, but he didn't hear it.
"The team is back. Do you want to go see them?"
"Not yet, I want to talk to the children first."
"Okay, let's go to bed, Aaron."