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At 5 o’clock in the morning, exactly the time she and her classmates were supposed to start arriving, Grace stood outside the Hatchetfield High School gate, waiting under the pitch black sky. Miss Mulberry muttered when she hopped onto the curb, a pastel pink duffle bag slung over her shoulder. It wasn’t her fault she was excited! Today, her senior class would be taking the 14 hour bus trip down to Washington DC, finally making up for the trip cancelled four years prior, in March 2020.
Before she had the chance to talk to any of the chaperoning teachers, who were desperately drinking from their coffee cups, Steph dragged herself out the passenger side of her car, glaring at the driver. Miss Mulberry put a mark on her piece of paper and breathed out deeply, as Grace pulled Steph into an embrace.
“Morning, Steph!” she said, squeezing her friend tightly.
Once she let go, Steph panted, translucent white wisps glowing in the air as she exhaled. “Hey, Grace. Is this you on - the effects of d- you… did you get coffee this morning?”
“Nope! A strong cup of hot water did the trick,” she answered, folding her arms across her chest. Gosh, even with a sweater, she was freezing half to death.
“How the fuck…” Steph muttered, blinking as quickly as she could, which wasn’t very. Rummaging through her “Fuck Clivesdale” tote bag from Beanie’s, she pulled out iced coffee in a can. “I was gonna save this for later, but I think I’m gonna die if I don’t have some coffee. You’re not having any of this.”
Grace furrowed her brow. “Of course not! Only adults drink coffee,” she said. That was obvious, it was a substance. Didn’t everyone know that?
“We’re- you know what, nevermind. Did you- do you think it’s weird that we’re going on a trip for freshmen?” Steph asked, intermittently taking sips from her drink, savouring each swallow.
“Not really! It’s always important to know how the government works.” Even if all its members were godless heathens, arguing for and against the Bible (poorly) when church and state were supposed to be separated.
Steph just sighed in response. Her eyes were half-closed, thick lashes fluttering against each other as she looked at Grace with a bored expression. “Please, my dad’s the mayor. It’s all about money. Uh, still, it’ll be nice to go explore a couple of big cities. I kinda wanna see what the Statue of Liberty looks like in person.”
One benefit of their trip being delayed was that they were going to New York City as well as Washington, but Grace couldn’t get why Steph thought they’d be adventuring all on their own. “But we’ll still need chaperones. We’re only 18! Ruth’s still 17!”
“Most of us are legal adults, and there’s two days on the agenda for fucking around. Besides, do you really think Mulberry and Young care what we do? As long as we don’t die, I guarantee they don’t give a shit,” Steph said.
“But what about their duty of care?” Grace exclaimed, noticing some figures approaching out of the corner of her eye. Volunteering with primary school kids at church taught her, among many other things, that not sufficiently looking after children she was responsible for would get her crucified upside down. Rightfully so.
“That’s why they don’t want us to die.” Steph raised her can towards Grace, before taking one final gulp. “Hey, great timing.”
Grace and Steph were surrounded by the rest of their friend group: Richie, Ruth, Pete, and Valerie. After Grace had become… somewhat attracted to Valerie while protesting Homecoming, she had enlisted the rest of them in bringing her to her downfall and filming it for the whole school to see. However, Valerie loved their prank, and wanted to befriend them even more when they pulled her away from the breaking floorboards. She talked to Richie a lot about gender and came out as trans. Grace didn’t get why she’d choose a name that wasn’t in the Bible at all, especially when she had the chance to fix it from her birth name, but she said she chose it because it sounded hot. She wasn’t wrong, considering she still appeared in Grace’s sexual fantasies and made her heart race with every thought. It was terrible.
“Hey, Grace,” Valerie said, in that stupid sing-song tone, that made butterflies’ wings flap lower and more furiously than they ever should have for a good Christian like Grace, let alone because of another girl. “Wanna sit together on the bus?”
Truthfully, she’d rather sit next to Richie, but Ruth had already claimed him the week before, and Steph and Pete were already sitting next to each other. Grace didn’t have a lot of other friends in their grade, and her Christian friends in senior year hadn’t been too fun to hang out with recently. At least Valerie liked her and talked to her without writing off everything she said.
“Fine,” Grace said. Her heart began beating out of her chest at the prospect. How wasn’t she used to this already? They’d be hanging out as friends for months, Valerie had been flirting with her for months, she had been dreaming about her for months. What was wrong with her? Other than the bisexuality and sexual desire she had been trying for months to pray away.
Interrupting any more awkward conversations, Ms Young’s voice cut through the freezing air. “Alright, boarding the bus. If you’re motion sick, get on the bus, put your seatbelts on. You’ve all done this before, I expect you to act like it.” What a wonder! Grace couldn’t help but agree.
“Yet we still need to be told what to do,” Pete groaned. “Can’t even go to the bathroom in her class without asking permission.”
Richie nodded, rapidly bobbing his head to keep himself awake. “Indeed. She’s pretty strict, and yells all of the time.”
“Hot,” Ruth and Val said in unison, before looking at each other in surprise and high-fiving. What made those two feel free to be okay with lust? At the very least, they should keep those sapphic wills hidden, like she did. It was the only way.
As the six of them got on the bus, they saw Richie’s evil twin, Trevor, sitting next to his boyfriend at the very front of the bus. His luggage was spread out across a cluster of seats behind the pair. Trevor was so hecking selfish. According to Richie, he had never even vomited in his life.
“Move it, dweeb,” Val said, towering over him. “Ruth gets motion sick, so we’re sitting up here.”
“Oh, yeah?” Trevor asked, trying to filter his fear through a swagger no Lipschitz had ever had.
Simply smiling, she whispered a threat to the theatre boys, a calm before the storm that made Grace’s heart race. “I may not be able to give you a swirly in the boys’ bathroom anymore, but I can still make your life a living Hell. Unless you want me to shove your skull into the Washington Monument, then I’ll give you the trip of your dreams.”
“Sorry,” Rudolph and Trevor said, their apologies overlapping out of their fear. Quickly, the boyfriends grabbed their ridiculous number of bags - at least one, Grace knew, was entirely empty - and rushed to the back of the bus.
“There ya go, Ruth. I know how much you guys hate that asshole. Doesn’t it work out that I bullied him for years?” she said, turning to her friends, beaming like the sun. Not the biggest light ever - that was Jesus - but well surpassing second place.
“You know, you… nevermind,” Pete said, shuffling into his seat.
Recently, Val had loosened her grip on Hatchetfield High, which was a shame, really. She was so beautiful when she was violent. Despite that, she still struck fear into the hearts of her classmates and the occasional teacher, particularly when she had to.
After that was resolved, the twelve hour bus ride began slowly. Aside from the number of drugs Grace’s classmates had taken, legal or otherwise, and the adrenaline rushing through their systems, most of them pulled out pillows or balled up their sweatshirts and tried to get an extra few minutes of sleep. Val was among this group, her head resting against the window. Hushed breaths escaped her lips, tinted the colour of raspberries. Grace wished the girl beside her would wake, that she could bite her lips in a marital kiss, perfect and blessed and holy.
Why was she like this? Why did this type of desperation flood her body and cloud her mind? Why was it so inescapable, as she was trapped here next to the object of her desires?
Deciding to open her colouring book of Bible verses, Grace began filling in a rose with a light yellow pencil. She tried to be controlled, the book resting on her lap. However, her eyes kept drifting to Val, distracted by her gentle skin and curly, honey-coloured hair that had begun to brush the tips of her earlobes. A small smile appeared on her lips as she rested, and Grace hoped she was dreaming of her.
The bus lurched, and the core of Grace’s pencil broke under the pressure of her hand. Looking down in shock, she saw that she didn’t colour inside the lines. She questioned how this could possibly be the case, despite knowing in her heart what it was. Temptation. Maybe she should open the Bible itself, not just a selection of verses that she could ruin.
Grace pulled her pink travel Bible from her bag, and flicked through it, only to be taken out of it by a tap on her shoulder.
“Are you reading the Bible?” Steph whispered, staring at her.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” she replied, almost as quiet in response.
Steph gently chuckled, leaning back into her seat. “Okay, Grace,” she said, returning to the endless scroll of her phone.
Some time later, though Grace only knew it was after the sun had begun to rise, the bus swerved, and her body slammed into Val’s. Looking down at her, her lips inches from the other’s cheek, Grace watched as her eyelashes fluttered open.
“Hey, Grace,” she said, that dumb smile on her face that birthed butterflies in her tummy every time. “Like watching me sleep?”
How dare she tease her like that? Yes she did, not that it was anyone else’s business, particularly not hers. “I was reading my Bible,” she answered, indignant, praying Val wouldn’t ask how much her eyes travelled towards her, a peaceful angel.
“Oh, yeah? What book?” she asked, shifting her body to not be half escaping the seatbelt.
“Proverbs. You know, the book of wisdom written by Solomon,” Grace added. In this school full of heathens, she didn’t expect friends she had made outside of church to know much about God.
Val just smiled. “Yeah, Grace, I know what Proverbs is. There’s like trust in the LORD and don’t lean on your own understanding, right?”
“Proverbs 3:5.” So she did know the Bible. How could she get any hotter? Furthermore, how dare she get hotter? Grace knew she had to keep her beans cool, that everyone would notice if she got too flustered. “Did you, um, sleep well?”
“Lotta dreams. I can’t really remember them - there was something about pirates, maybe, but-”
“Pirates? Like in One Piece?” Richie asked, excited, popping his head between their seats. Where was his seatbelt?
They tried to turn to face him, but were blocked a little too much by their seatbelts. “Wait, there are pirates in One Piece?” Val answered through a yawn.
Richie, affronted, gasped. “What did you think it was about?”
“Y’know. Gold, buried treasure… oh,” Val said, eyes widening in realisation.
“Then what was the movie about someone collecting these six stones which become one so he can kill half the universe?” Grace asked. She knew that someone really liked that one, but she wasn’t really sure who, until Pete piped up across the aisle.
“That’s the Infinity Saga,” he answered.
Ruth lunged around the corner, her head appearing around Grace’s side. “How do you not know that? It was the biggest thing in middle school.”
“What’s it rated?” Grace asked, after thinking for a second.
Pete clicked his tongue. “Infinity War I’d give 4.5, Endgame more a 3, 3.25…”
Val muttered to herself and rolled her eyes. “What kinda horny are you for decimals?”
“No! Like G, PG, PG-13, R, NC-17…” Grace clarified, ignoring her seat partner’s somewhat funny but definitely inappropriate comment.
“Oh, it’s PG-13,” he replied, like it was normal for 13 year olds to watch a movie in that age range. As if everyone did something like that.
“That explains it! I’ve only been allowed to watch PG-13 movies this year, and I have to cover my ears when they curse,” she answered. Swear words were pretty predictable in movies. A couple of signals told her when a filthy word was on the way.
Steph sighed, “Grace.”
“Yeah?” What was she trying to tell her about? Something new?
“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding,” she said. Grace knew her friends cursed all the time, and it wasn’t much of a problem when they did, but she had to watch her own language. That included the language of the media she consumed. It was different when one of her friends said something she wouldn’t; the way it made her feel was different.
The bus ride continued smoothly, conversations ebbing and flowing as the hours passed by. After hours of managing her heart racing and the red flooding her cheeks, they had arrived at the hotel. Finally, Grace would be able to stop worrying about her feelings and desires around Val.
She listened to all the room assignments, not just the ones with her name. Grace loved figuring out how that sort of administrative work was done. Brenda Riggs and Stacy Reid. Ruth Fleming and Sandy De Angelis. Stephanie Lauter and Brooke Donahue.
Grace Chasity and Valerie Jagerman.
What kind of bad luck was that? As much as she tried to tamp down her desires, temptation reared its ugly head yet again, for reasons she couldn’t change. Worse, she didn’t know how much she wanted to. She wanted to spend time with Val, she wanted to kiss her, to talk to her, for her to keep flirting with her.
“Guess we get to be roommates,” Val said, quickly finding Grace through the crowd.
Grace gave a tight smile, trying to suppress how much she wanted to giggle and beam and hug her and- “I guess so,” she said.
After travelling up the elevator with a great group of seniors, Grace opened the door to their room. She paused in the doorway, taking the whole room in.
Tragedy struck. There was only one bed.
“That has to be a mistake!” Grace exclaimed, inspecting the bed. Maybe if she touched it, she would reveal that it wasn’t real. That everything was fine. That this wasn’t happening.
“We could share,” Val joked. What? No, no, they couldn’t do that. Her face softened, if Grace’s perception of her out of the corner of her eye was right. “Hey, I’m only kidding. We could probably switch rooms with someone.”
That couldn’t be an option, either. Grace dropped her pink duffle bag on the floor to punctuate her point. “We’re not switching rooms! I’ll sleep on the floor. Can you pass me a pillow?”
“Wha- you’re really serious about this, aren’t you?” she asked, looking right through her, like she knew everything about her, or could figure it out. Terrifying.
“Why wouldn’t I be? I can’t sleep in the same bed as someone I’m not married to! When has that ever happened in the Bible? As a good thing?” Grace hastily added, knowing that Biblical depiction did not always mean endorsement.
“Pretty sure that Ruth and Boaz did, but that’s whatever.” It very much was not whatever. How dare Val know things and make Grace feel this way? “I can take the floor.”
“No. No, I can’t let you do that.” It was Grace’s purity, not Valerie’s. Grace was meant to gouge her own eye out, not Valerie’s. If God wanted to punish Valerie for Grace’s feelings, that prank in the Old Waylon Place would have been successful, instead of uniting them in friendship. “I’ll go down to the front desk, see if they can fix it.”
The front desk could not fix it. Apparently, all the seniors shared rooms with one bed, a booking nightmare on the school’s part. Grace got an extra blanket and discovered that, as it turned out, the heater in their room was broken. Great.
Once she had managed to return to the fifth floor, she caught Val, having already changed into a hoodie and sweatpants, curled into a foetal position under the white covers. A thought popped into her mind, that it was such a shame she had already settled into bed, before shaking her head to rid herself of it. Just another sinful desire. When would it end?
Valerie flicked her eyes from her phone, face still illuminated by the glow of the screen. “Are you sure you don’t want the bed? I can handle it. We always had a night of sleeping on the floor at football camp. Tradition.” She paused. Grace felt her gaze boring into the back of her skull as she adjusted the path of pillows on the floor. Val had placed another two there while she was gone. “Or I can trade with someone, if you want.”
“That wouldn’t fix the problem. All the rooms have only one bed,” Grace said.
“Still,” Val groaned, sitting up against her solitary pillow, “it might be easier for you to share a bed with a girl who, y’know, isn’t into you.”
Grace tried to ignore the vibrations of her heartbeat in her temple, tried to look at the gorgeous girl in front of her who had invaded her private thoughts without gazing too lustfully. “That’s not why I’m concerned, Valerie,” she said.
“Really? Then what’s the problem?” Val asked, curious and without pressure. All through high school, she had pushed people, forced them into lockers, or forced them to put other people into lockers, except her. She had never gone further with Grace than the line she drew, which was perhaps beyond what she actually feared.
Grace had been the exception. Val had been kinder to Grace than she was to anyone else, or anyone else to Grace, and had always respected her. Val had always seen her, just as Grace had always seen Val. With all that, she owed her the truth, even if nothing came of it. Even if something bad came of it.
The butterflies within her flew throughout her body, her limbs, her head, as if they could carry her away somewhere even more frightening. “I can’t share a bed with someone I like… like that. It’s wrong for me to sleep next to someone I’ve thought of in that intimate way if we’re not married.”
Full silence enveloped their room. Time stood still. The swathes of fabric covering Val rose and fell with her breaths, in unison with Grace’s. Val looked at her unblinkingly, and Grace knew she had to match her gaze, if nothing else. After an eternity, a solitary syllable slipped out her mouth. “Me?”
“You.”
“ Oh.”
“Yeah,” Grace confirmed. She did it. Val was the first person she had told, aside from God, even though she had known of these feelings for months. She had managed to compartmentalise them and accept that they existed and weren’t going to disappear, as much as she had willed it.
“And do you still think of me, uh, like that?” Val asked, whispers of hope - sinful, desperate hope - creeping into her tone.
“Maybe,” she admitted. What was the point of lying anymore? That, too, was a sin. “It’s terrible, I know. I shouldn’t! You’re a girl, and I’m a girl, and it could send me to Hell, and I really don’t want that. I want eternity with God in Heaven.”
“If God doesn’t see that you love Him more than anything else, He doesn’t deserve you.” God didn’t work like that. Grace was the one undeserving of God’s love, not the other way around. How could she pretend that she wasn’t the broken one, torn apart? “Just, uh, if you change your mind, come on in.”
Sacreligious as she was being, Val was just trying to be sweet. “Thanks,” Grace answered with a smile, before wrapping herself up in her blanket and trying to drift into dreams.
The clock ticked over to eleven, later than she had ever stayed awake before, and Grace hadn’t been able to fall asleep. Instead, she had spent the past few hours staring at the ceiling, imagining the girl in the bed above her would meet her on the floor. Bites of cold air pricked her face and wormed their way into her pyjamas. At this rate, she wouldn’t be able to wake up for a Bible study before breakfast.
Dear God, Let this not be a sin. Let my desires not cause Val to stumble as I have. Please, let this all be okay. Amen.
Slowly, carefully, she climbed into the queen bed, the side Val left free in her unconscious mind. Like she knew what would happen next and had been preparing for it. Like she couldn’t break any words she had said to Grace, each utterance an oath. Grace examined her gut, to see if God was leading her in another direction. The only sensation she had was a peace in her heart, and, if her life had taught her anything, that meant it was okay.
“Grace?” Val mumbled, barely awake. “Hey.”
“This doesn’t mean anything, I’m just cold and need to sleep,” she whispered loudly in response, hoping that the other girl couldn’t remember anything in her half-asleep state.
“Mmmmkay,” she answered, turning over.
As she pulled the covers over her body, Val’s arm resting over hers, Grace was filled with a warmth identical to her earlier nerves. She was safe, she was cared for, she was here… and, almost instantly, she fell asleep.
The light of the sun was filtered through the curtains. Opening her eyes, Grace yawned. She had never felt so relaxed in her whole life. At first, she had no idea why, until she fully took in her position. Her leg was interlocked with one of Val’s, head resting on her chest.
That woke her up. She bolted to a sitting position, turning to look at Val, who was so cool and calm. “You’re up,” she said, the lilt of a laugh in her voice.
“What- I- yeah.” Grace said, staring with wide eyes.
Val looked at her knowingly, though Grace couldn’t figure out what it was she knew. “I’m gonna get changed. You want me to do it in the bathroom, or do you wanna watch me, dirty girl?” she teased.
“If there’s any dirty girl here, it’s you,” Grace snapped, as she failed to ignore what she wanted Val to do in the bathroom with her. “Go!”
“Okay,” Val said, grabbing some clothes, not taking a hint of offence to her words. As soon as she disappeared behind the bathroom door, Grace rushed to Steph’s room, knowing it was only across the hall.
Banging on the door until she got a response, barely hearing the groans on the other side, Grace bounced her foot in temptation. Heck. Heck. She was so hecking fudged.
Finally, Steph opened the door, half-asleep. “Grace? It’s 6:30, what do you want?” she asked, stifling a yawn and struggling to keep her eyes open.
“It’s 6:50, actually, which is a totally normal time to expect a conversation. I need to talk to you. Is your room empty?” Grace asked. No one could know about this, especially not the arsonist Steph was rooming with.
“No, Brooke’s asleep, because breakfast doesn’t start for another hour. What’s so… fuckin’... uh, urgent, anyway?”
“I’m bisexual,” Grace said. It didn’t become easier saying it the second time, especially not with the actual word that she had never even whispered.
Steph blinked a couple of times in shock, her eyes no longer half closed. “Ugh, fine.”
“So. You’re bi,” Steph said, reclining in the excessively fancy black leather Chesterfield chair. This lobby was so fancy, and they hardly had the opportunity to enjoy it with all of what was going on.
Grace nodded. “I’ve liked boys a little, only in the way I’m supposed to feel before marriage and… I think I have to admit I’ve liked girls just the same way. But now there’s Val, and I’ve felt a desire for her that’s louder and hotter than anything I’ve felt for anyone else.”
“Grace, that’s-”
“Terrible! I know!” she cried, her face so flushed that it didn’t matter what the outside temperature was. “And I’ve known since last year, and I’ve been trying to pray it away, but it hasn’t been working and then I slept next to Val last night and I thought it was okay but now I’m worried that it’s not and I’m going to Hell. It’s just… she’s so pretty and powerful and just and funny - don’t tell her I said that, some of her jokes are too dirty and I can’t encourage that - and I really like her. I don’t want to like her as much as I do.”
Steph leaned forward, reaching for her arm. The touch of her friend soothed Grace, as did her words. “I was gonna say that it’s normal.”
Normal. Among her friends, it was normal. At least, her school friends. With some of her church friends, or her parents, it wasn’t. It was a nightmare scenario, the worst thing she could do to herself. As if she had a choice in the matter.
“I’m scared,” Grace said, just breathing as much as she could. “I know that not every Christian thinks it’s a sin, but what if it is? Not that you care, but I do. God’s love matters more to me than anything else, and I don’t want to sacrifice that.”
“Well… you believe God loves you and that He knows everything, right? That’s, like, His thing?” Steph asked. Not everyone knew as much as she did about her LORD and Saviour.
“Right,” she answered, her bones shaking just slightly less than her voice.
“If I had to guess, He’d appreciate that you’re trying. That you’re following what you think is the best way to love Him. I don’t really know, but I can’t imagine this super cool, loving guy wants you to suffer and hate yourself.”
Steph had a good point. The parts of affirming theology that made sense were filled in by love. Love that God had already shown for her and love that she wanted to give others, starting with someone in particular.
“Thanks, Steph,” Grace said. She had been so blessed to have a friend like her.
“You’re welcome,” Steph replied, grunting as she stood up. “Now I’m going back to bed, don’t wake me up unless there’s a fire. Even then.”
Grace returned to her room, opening the door to see Val, dressed, collapsed on her bed. Their bed. With the sound of the closing door, she shot up, eager and even… anxious? Grace didn’t know how many times she had seen Val Jagerman anxious, if she was interpreting that expression correctly, but it wasn’t many.
“Hey, Val,” she began, taking a deep breath. She already knew, she already liked her back. This was just a formality, with one caveat. “Do you want to carry my books? No, well, yes, but… do you wanna go on a date with me?”
Eyes lighting up, Val’s lips curled into a beautiful smile, magical and holy, without at all being witchcraft. “Fuck yeah.”