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Evemer had been on his knees at Her Majesty’s feet, and she had been magnificent, and yet, Evemer’s eyes had strayed to glance at Tadek, sitting at Mama’s kitchen table. He hadn’t meant to look away from his sultan, and his eyes had snapped back to hers the moment she demanded his attention, but he had been sure he had felt Tadek’s eyes on him. It had cost him all his discipline not to turn. Do not look. Focus.
Afterwards, he sneaked into Mama’s workroom and leaned against a wall, trying to collect himself, and all of a sudden, Tadek was there.
“Are you part cat?” Evemer shrieked, startled and shaken. The fact that Tadek could sneak up on him unnoticed, with a badly injured leg nonetheless, was concerning.
“I got training for the ministry of intelligence, so…yes.” He shrugged one shoulder, but his eyes on Evemer were as intense as they had been in the kitchen, maybe even more so, and then Tadek pulled back a little and shook his head. "I saw you looking,” he said, seemingly baffled. “You had a fucking Mahisti blazing at you full force, and we both know that kind of thing does it for you, so why in the wide world were you looking at me? I'm an armsman, Evemer. I have nothing!"
Warmth spread from behind Evemer’s sternum through his whole chest and he moved closer. “That's not the point.” He considered for a moment. “Also you have the prince's ear. If you wanted power, wanted influence, it's right there.”
Tadek huffed out a breath. “I mean it, Evemer. I have nothing to offer you. I hardly know who I am without the cobalt. I'm back to being nothing and nobody. They put me in Cadet Whites and stuck me in the dorms, Evemer! Nothing. I have absolutely nothing.”
“That is blatantly untrue. Don't let His Highness hear you say that.”
Tadek briefly closed his eyes. “You're right. It's ungrateful.”
“That's not what I meant. He saved your life, and put you in his colours, and he wants you. Not – like that. But you know what I mean. He wants you to be his. You're not in whites anymore.” He winced. “That was painful to watch.”
Tadek huffed out a bitter little laugh. “You don't say.”
“You must have hated it,” Evemer said quietly, reaching out to rub his thumb over Tadek's cheekbone.
Tadek's eyes closed once more and he leaned into the touch. “I did,” he murmured. “I was… ashamed, and at the same time, I was so deeply in Kadou's debt I had absolutely no right to complain. I was trying to be graceful about it, but –“ He sighed and looked up. “Whites, Evemer.”
Evemer chuckled, nodded, and pulled Tadek close. “His Highness hated them on sight.”
“Yes. Bless his heart.”
An ugly feeling reared its head for a moment as Evemer recalled his own initial reaction to seeing Tadek in whites. Shame. He was ashamed and embarrassed, and he felt like that had happened in another lifetime, like the Evemer who had had those thoughts had been a different person.
“So why were you looking at me?” Tadek said after a moment, stepping back.
Evemer shrugged. “It wasn’t exactly intentional. More like – I don’t know. Like I was drawn towards you. Acutely aware of your presence in the room.“ He felt his cheeks get warm. Drawn to Tadek like a moth to the flame, but he was not going to say that.
Tadek tilted his head to one side and looked at him. Evemer wasn’t sure how to read that look, and he felt his cheeks get even warmer, but he refused to look away.
“Have you felt like that before?” Tadek said, sounding curious.
“For you? Or in general?”
Tadek moved in and wrapped his arms around Evemer’s waist. “I meant in general, but…” he said and pressed his nose into Evemer’s neck.
Evemer was ridiculously grateful not to have Tadek’s eyes on him anymore. He swallowed thickly. “I have.”
Tadek didn’t respond, didn’t move, just waited. “I mean I have felt like that before.” Gods, this was hard. “Never for anyone else though,” he murmured, tightening his grip on Tadek, determined not to let him make eye contact again, and then something… weird happened. Tadek tensed in Evemer’s arms, like a cat trying to get away from an unwanted touch, but at the same time, he clung to Evemer’s back for a moment, using his full strength, as if he desperately needed the contact for some reason. Briefly, Evener wondered if Tadek felt the same way Evemer did about making eye contact.
And then Tadek freed himself with an almost violent shove against Evemer’s chest. His eyes were too wide and he looked pale, and was his lip trembling? “What if I can’t… what if I ruin this!” he exclaimed, his hands coming up and then dropping, useless, at his sides. “What if I fuck this up, Evemer,” he repeated, softer, eyes pleading.
Evemer swallowed. “You won’t,” he said, trying to sound reassuring.
“You can’t know that. You’re so… so much.” Tadek winced. “Sorry. That was poor phrasing. I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong. You’re not. You’re just – so very earnest, and I’m not, and… what if… what if I hurt you? Again? What if I screw this one up, too?”
Evemer was confused, and it probably showed on his face when he asked: “What do you mean?”
“I have ruined relationships before.” The word hung in the air between them, huge and exciting and dangerous.
Evemer inhaled and held the breath for a moment. “How many… relationships have you had, Tadek?”
“Well. One. But…”
“One isn’t a suitable sample size. And was it even your fault that it ended?”
Tadek just blew out a breath and looked very, very tired all of a sudden.
Evemer realised Tadek should probably be off his injured leg. “Sit down,” he said as gently as he could, trying very hard not to provoke Tadek’s stubbornness. When Tadek simply did – no eyeroll, no snarky comment, just pulled a stool close and sat – Evemer felt his chest constrict. He remembered the fancy clothes Tadek had worn for a while, and which, one day, all of a sudden, had been gone. “There were rumours,” he said, more to himself than to Tadek, but of course Tadek heard him.
He chuckled. “When weren’t there rumours,” he said, eyes closing.
“Were they true?” Evemer couldn’t help but asking.
“I’m sure some of them were invented, maybe even by me. A lot of them were hyperbole. And some… well. There’s always some truth somewhere in a rumour, usually.”
“That relationship,” Evemer tried. “Who… can I ask about them?”
Tadek rolled his shoulders and opened his eyes, looking up at Evemer. “His name was Kerim.”
“Is it true that he bought you all those nice clothes?”
Tadek stared at Evemer for a moment, and then he burst out laughing. Wiping his eyes, he nodded. “He did like to keep me in silk and furs, true. And I enjoyed that. The clothes he bought me were more expensive than any I had ever touched, let alone worn.”
“And then you weren’t wearing them anymore.” And people had speculated about Tadek annoying his rich lover enough to –
“No.”
“What happened to them?”
“The clothes? Why are you that – oh.” He glanced around Mama’s workshop. “I see. Well, I donated them. To one of the secondhand shops I used to go to when I was a kid. They were most likely the best quality anyone had ever gotten there. I liked that idea. I had wanted to burn them, originally, or dump them in the trash.”
Evemer winced at the image. It made Tadek chuckle softly.
“Yes. Exactly. What a waste. So. Someone – a lot of someones, actually, are happy now because they found something they would never have been able to afford. That… I liked that.”
“You know a thing or two about secondhand shops, don’t you?” Evemer froze at how that sounded. Inappropriate. Disrespectful. “I’m sorry,” he hurried to say. “Don’t answer that.”
Tadek pulled himself up straight. “Don’t be. It’s true. Before joining, all my clothes came from the secondhand shop. I’d never even seen a piece of clothing that hadn’t been worn by someone else before. None of my family had I think.”
Evemer’s heart hurt at the thought of all the beautiful fabric he had grown up around, sitting right here in Mama’s workshop as she weaved, while Tadek had to make do with what other people had discarded. It hurt even more at the realisation of how much Tadek liked pretty things. Was that because of his upbringing, or just a personal preference? Inappropriate, too. He needed to stop making Tadek uncomfortable. He needed to –
“Honeybee. You’re overthinking. Anyway. Kerim liked me enough to dress me up nicely and fuck my brains out when his parents weren’t home. For anything else though…”
Evemer didn’t like the look on Tadek’s face. His mouth had apparently severed all professional relations with his brain, because what he said was: “You loved him – and he didn’t?” Horror. He could actually feel the colour drain from his face. “Gods, Tadek, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, please, I don’t know what –“
Tadek’s face had closed off. “I would rather stop talking about him if that’s alright with you,” he said, his voice as smooth and as hard as a blade. It hurt just as much as a blade would have. A small part of Evemer felt like a sword injury might actually be preferable.
He swallowed. “I’m sorry, Tadek. How did we even –” Right. Tadek had been spooked by the intensity of Evemer’s feelings, and then Evemer had made everything even worse. He squatted down in front of Tadek, relieved beyond measure when after a brief moment of hesitation, Tadek opened his legs, allowing him to get closer. Evemer did, settling in between them, and gently wrapped his hands around Tadek’s calves, mindful of the injured one. “I’m sorry,” he said once more, and Tadek’s shoulders relaxed.
“It’s alright. I’m just… terrified,” he huffed out a little laugh. “Nobody has ever… the way you look at me, Evemer –”
“Even when I’m supposed to be looking at my sultan?” Evemer tried to lighten the mood.
“Especially when you’re supposed to be looking at your sultan!” Tadek shot back, but there was a tiny smile at the corner of his mouth, and a bit of a spark in his eyes. “I’m scared to death, Evemer. I’m… it’s just me! I still don’t understand what you’re even looking at! Everyone knows what I’m like. I don’t… do emotions.” Evemer started smiling. He couldn’t help it, it just happened. “What?” Tadek snapped.
“That’s not even true, is it? It never was.”
Tadek – blushed, so deeply uncomfortable that it came off of him in waves. Evemer wanted nothing more than to put his arms around him, pull him close, hold him, keep him safe. He wanted to say it. I’m in love with you. I love you. I’m falling in love with you. He couldn’t. None of those, not here, not now. Tadek was in no shape to hear it.
“Hey,” he said instead. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re scared, and I’m sorry I’m making you uncomfortable. I’d say I’ll try to be less intense, but I’m not sure I can. Please don’t be scared? It’s just you and me. Nobody needs to know –“
Tadek’s head snapped up and his eyes narrowed. Evemer felt cold all of a sudden. What? What had he said? And then Tadek heaved himself up off the stool, avoiding Evemer’s attempt to help him. “I’m good,” he said, and it sounded almost truthful.
Evemer blocked his way. “No. You are not going to run out on me like that. What did I say?”
“That you don’t want anyone to know,” Tadek spat, and then he reined himself in. “Which is fine. Suits me.”
Evemer almost rolled his eyes. “Gods above and below,” he sighed. “Sit back down. Do you honestly think there’s anyone in this house who hasn’t noticed the way I look at you? Her majesty probably knows!”
Tadek blanched a little at that, and then he did sit back down. “Oh,” he said, and it was almost comical.
Evemer moved in once more. “I’m physically incapable of looking away from you,” he said softly. “I really, really want to touch you whenever I can, if you’ll let me. The whole palace can know if they want, Tadek. All of Kasaba City. All of Araşt. Please can I tell Mama?”
Tadek’s face did something very complicated, and then he nodded, shoulders slumping. “I’m an idiot,” he said softly.
“Yes,” Evemer agreed. “Yes, you are. So, can I?”
“Hm?”
“Tell Mama!”
“Didn’t you just explain to me that it’s plain to see for anyone anyway?”
“She’s old fashioned. She wants to be officially informed.”
Tadek chuckled and waved a hand. “Fine. Tell her.”
Evemer kissed him, slow and gentle. “Don’t go anywhere. She’ll want to talk to you.”
Tadek swallowed, but Evemer just kissed him again and made for the door.
Evemer found Mama in the kitchen and managed to pull her into the hallway without anyone paying much attention.
“Mama?” he said, ridiculously nervous all of a sudden.
“Yes, honeybee?” She wiped her hands on her apron and looked up at him expectantly.
“Do you remember how you complained about me never bringing anyone home?”
“Yes, Evemer, I do,” she said dry as dust. “It was yesterday.”
“Well.” He bit his lip, and her eyes went wide.
“I'm listening, child?”
“Well. I sort of did? I just didn't know they were... It's Tadek, Mama,” he blurted out, and then he held his breath. What if she disapproved? She was his only family, what if she'd wanted something else for her only child? Suddenly he was aware of the way Tadek presented himself to the world at large. Gods. He had flirted with Mama, the little shit! Evemer blushed fiercely at the memory. And... Mama wanted grandchildren, and although it was way too early to even bring up that subject, Evemer was almost sure he knew how Tadek felt about it. Did they have to have that conversation soon? Did Evemer want –
“Oh Evemer,” Mama said, and were there tears in her eyes? She pulled him into a tight embrace. “I'm so glad! I was so worried you wouldn't find anyone, that you'd be all alone once I'm not there anymore. I'm so, so happy for you.” She pulled back. “He's a handful though, isn't he? Is he treating you right?”
Evemer blushed again at the memory of Tadek assuring Siranos that it was much, much more than a handful. “I have big hands, Mama,” he said, and then he stopped breathing when he remembered his hand wrapped around Tadek's... Well. Around Tadek, in the alleyway.
Mama burst out laughing. “You do,” she said, wiping her eyes. “I take it you have everything under control then, son.” She patted his chest. “Well, well. Very good. I guess I will go and welcome the little flirt to the family then.” She hesitated. “Unless you didn't want him to know that I know?”
“No, I do. He… be gentle with him, please? It's very new.”
Mama's eyes turned soft. “I'm the first person you tell?”
“Yes, Mama.”
“Thank you, Evemer,” she said gently and stood on her toes to kiss his cheek. “I'm happy for you.”