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In the beginning of the notebook, it was things like “do bears have feelings?” and “what the hell is norepinephrine”. The last few written pages include entries that say “the shadows in the corner of the hideout have eyes and they’re watching me while we play. they’re going to kill me if I do something wrong.”. The worst one that Steve had found was “i can hear a voice telling me that my blood has poison in it. i need to get rid of my blood before it kills me. something is wrong with my blood.”
Eddie had become paranoid, scared of everything with shifty eyes and always checking his arms, like he was making sure that nothing was on them. At first it was just little things, triple checking that he locked the door to the trailer before a smoke sesh with Steve. “I’m not getting busted by cops, Stevie,” he said before looking one more time and settling down on the couch and lighting what was left of the roach.
It got worse at the next campaign he planned. Dustin mentioned one of the weird game monsters being in the house, and Eddie freaked the fuck out.
“No no no no no,” he whispered, eyes darting around the room. He got up and sprinted upstairs towards Steve’s room, where he knew there was a weapon, the nail bat. When Steve finally caught up to him, Eddie was huddled in the furthest corner of the room, shaking like a scared animal and clutching the nail bat like it was the only thing that could save him. And to him, it was.
Steve approached slowly, not wanting to scare Eddie or get hit by the bat. “Eddie? Do you know where you are?”
“They got in. I don’t know how but they got in. They’re going to eat me, Steve, I’m gonna die.”
Steve sat down next to Eddie. He put his hands over Eddie’s on the nail bat, loosening the vice grip so he wouldn’t hurt himself. He knew what to do.
Before his parents left him, Steve’s mom was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. This behavior was nothing new to him, but it didn’t stop being painful to watch. Steve’s father let his mother waste away until he shoved her in an institution. That was not going to happen with someone he loved again.
Once Steve was sure that Eddie wasn’t going to break anything, he set the nail bat down next to him, away from Eddie, and held his hands in his own. “This is scary, isn’t it? I’m sorry this is happening. Did someone tell you something was in the house?” Steve massaged Eddie’s scalp with one hand while he held Eddie’s hands in the other.
Eddie opened and closed his mouth a few times before whispering, “I- I heard something- It was like a loud whisper… it was telling me that a chuul was in the house, waiting for me. Dustin said it and made it true. Now it’s going to kill me.” He began crying, his eyes darting around the room, looking for the thing that was going to hurt him.
They sat there together until Eddie’s breathing evened out and he was lucid enough to answer questions. It took four hours.
By the time they walked downstairs to get water and food, it was past midnight and everyone had gone home. The table was cleared, and there was a note left on it. It read:
Mike told me something was going on with Eddie. I made them clean up and drove the brats home. Take care of him. - Nancy
Eddie sat down at the table, head in his hands.
“Shit man, I’m sorry. This keeps fucking happening. Something is wrong with me. Maybe Hawkins royalty is right, I’m fucking possessed.” He said the last part with a self deprecating chuckle that made Steve internally cringe.
He was setting down a bag of chips and water in front of Eddie when he caught sight of the notebook. Eddie wasn’t paying attention, so he opened it. Steve, not thinking much of it, flipped through it, expecting to find notes about the campaign or song idea. Usually, Eddie filled it with song lyrics or his silly little thoughts, so he wouldn’t blurt them out in inappropriate spaces, but recently the thoughts had become scary.
After Steve figured he had done enough snooping, he set the notebook down, only to see a horrified Eddie looking at him from across the dining room.
“I swear I’m not fucking crazy, man. I don’t know what’s going on in my head,” He stood up quickly and grabbed the notebook for Steve’s hands, “I’m not fucking crazy, please don’t tell the kids, I don’t want them-”
“Eddie. It’s okay. I know you’re not crazy.” Eddie started to panic again, and Steve couldn’t have that. He led the other man to the living room, settling him on the couch and getting a blanket for the both of them. When they were both comfortable, Steve started talking.
“You remember that my mom’s in a mental hospital, right?”
“Yeah?”
“I didn’t tell you what she was in there for. When I was ten, my mom got weird. She kept saying shit like the government was spying on us and had whole ass conversations with herself, but like there was another person talking to her. She got scared out of nowhere a lot and stared at nothing like she was watching a movie, even though there was nothing happening.” Steve shifted his body to look at Eddie, gauging his reaction to this information. He didn’t seem grossed out or angry, so he kept going. “After a year of this, she finally agreed to go to a shrink and they diagnosed her with a type of schizophrenia.”
Understanding dawned on Eddie’s face. “You’re saying that I’m probably a fucking schizo, aren’t you? I thought I told you I wasn’t crazy,” Eddie mumbled.
“I wasn’t done,” Steve continued, “She wasn’t crazy, and you aren’t either. All it means is that there are some crossed wires in your brain that make you see shit and make you believe crazy shit. It’s not the end of the world. But it does mean that if you don’t treat it, it’s going to get worse and you might end up in an institution like my mom. I’ve visited her there, and believe me, you don’t want it to get that bad."
At this, Eddie’s face turned from angry to resigned. He shifted away from Steve, curling in on himself to cry once again. He said something Steve couldn’t understand.
“What was that?”
“I don’t want to do this,” he whispered between quiet sobs, “Why is everything so hard? ‘M so tired, Stevie.”
Steve’s heart broke at this. He pulled Eddie in close, wrapping his arms around him and kissing the top of his head. “I know, Eds, I know. I’m so sorry. It’ll be okay.”
“I can’t afford this. It’s so much just for therapy, and then the shrink’s gonna put me on meds. It’s too much, even if Wayne worked double shifts at the factory. I’m gonna go crazy, Steve” Eddie was sobbing in earnest now, the pained cries wracking his body, until he was raw inside and out.
“Shh, no, you’ll be okay, it’s okay.” Steve tried his best to console the poor boy. After a few minutes, he came up with an idea.
“My dad’s disgustingly rich, and so am I,” Eddie gave a weak chuckle at that and let Steve continue. “You don’t have to do this by yourself, Eds. I have more than enough to help. Please let me help?”
Eddie moved out of his lap to make eye contact, and the love they shared could be felt from miles away.
“You’d do that for lil ol’ me?” Eddie’s attempt at deflecting just made Steve fall all the more in love with him.
“Yeah, I’d do it for you. Kinda weird, but I happen to like you.”
Eddie’s eyes drifted from Steve’s toward his lips before making their way back up again.
“Touché.”