Work Text:
“It will be fun!” Dan insisted, standing a foot away from him. Next to him was a horse and carriage, and he was trying to convince Phil to get on it with him. The two of them had decided to go on holiday and found themselves in New York City for two weeks. They only had a day or so left, and Phil was sad to see that the trip was almost over. It had been much needed for both of them.
Phil didn’t know yet that when Dan booked their trip, he booked the couple’s options for a lot of things, restaurants, outings, and sightseeing. Dan booked it. From the day they arrived, Phil has been choking down past thoughts. Dan was sleeping next to him at night since there was only one bed. Something that wasn’t taken into consideration. Nothing was strange about it. Their bond was strong, and past feelings had lingered between them. Sleeping beside each other - especially when there was no ulterior motive - was completely fine.
Until the end of the first week, when Phil woke up drenched in a cold sweat at 5 am. Dan was asleep beside him as he had jumped up that night in a fit. He didn’t have a nightmare, but he wished that he had. Instead, he dreamed that night of him and Dan. Holding hands constantly, embracing one another in a hug, a stolen kiss. Them and what could have been if they had kept pushing through the hard times. He felt sick. But also that Dan was lifting him off the ground and spinning them in a circle. Was it the Dan beside him or the one he dreamed about? Were they the same person? He couldn’t tell.
Throughout this trip, they took photos with their arms wrapped around each other. A smile was on both their faces. In one photo that Phil has, he’s staring at Dan. By now he knows that he can’t stop thinking about the possibility. Waking up to Dan has become a joy. He doesn’t know if he wants it to stop. Or what will happen once they return home. Will they talk about this?
“Phil?” Dan waved his hand in front of Phil. “Come on, please?” Dan asked him and pouted. He stuck his bottom lip out slightly and gave Phil big, sad eyes. Phil rolled his, laughed, and agreed. Dan suddenly was like a giddy little kid again. He spoke with the driver for a brief moment, paid, and held his hand out to Phil.
Phil walked towards him and reached out to grab Dan’s hand. Phil knew that he had to notice how sweaty his hands were. He could feel a blush coming down his cheeks, and his pale skin grew with color. If Dan had noticed, he said nothing. Which Phil appreciated, he was already embarrassed. People were walking all around them, and Phil felt as if eyes were on him. Though he was only focused on Dan. It was a strange feeling that he couldn’t quite figure out.
Dan helped him up into the carriage and climbed in beside him. The driver gently took off, and Dan and Phil sat silently for a moment in the back. Phil was looking around, and they listened to the sounds of the horses trotting along and chatter from others walking near. While he wasn’t looking, he felt Dan scoot slightly closer to him, grab his hand, and make a joke about it being the couple's option. Phil couldn’t tell if it was disappointment or relief that flooded throughout his body. But whatever it was, it made him nervous.
Phil couldn’t lie. He thought about playing up the couples thing. He had been tempted to reach and put his arm around him, and to pull him closer. If Dan could do things, he could too. Dan had been parading them around in a way that suggested they were together, married even. A couple of marriage jokes had come out, but those weren’t the ones that Phil worried about.
On their third or fourth day in the States, they went to the zoo. Per Dan’s itinerary. Phil wanted to wing the entire thing and just do whatever they felt like doing. Dan insisted they have some sort of schedule to make the most of their trip. Dan was four days into planning and Phil couldn’t stop him at that point.
When they were walking around, Dan grabbed his hand and held it. Phil was confused. They weren’t doing anything remotely couples-related. It was a hot day and they were walking around a zoo. He didn’t understand it. We could go out again like this sometime when we get home, Dan said to him and swung their hands. He also didn’t realize a burning flame ignited in the pit of his stomach with those words. One that led him to almost wanting Dan to sleep in his room once they got back. One that wanted more of these days of holding hands and acting this way. Except it wouldn’t be acting.
“You’re awfully quiet,” Dan pointed out and squeezed his hand. Phil just apologized and blamed being tired.
“Are you excited to go home?” Phil asked him. They did have one full day left before they flew back home.
“A bit,” he laughed, “It’s been fun, but I’m starting to miss my bed.” Phil couldn’t argue with him. He missed his bed too. The rest of the ride went silently. Dan inched closer at one point and practically had his head on Phil’s shoulder. His heart was beating out of his chest the entire time. He swore the world could also hear it.
The following few days were a blur. They spent their final day packing up and relaxing before traveling. They took a short walk around to look at a few more spots. That evening they had dinner at a random restaurant that Dan found. Phil learned that Dan had booked a couple's option. Apparently, with the reservation, there had to be a reason. Dan had chosen, for some reason unknown to Phil, an anniversary.
A waiter brought out a small dish that had the words “ Happy Anniversary!” written in either chocolate or icing. The waiter sat two glasses of champagne, which turned out to be complementary, and walked off. Phil had a look of uncertainty on his face. Dan didn’t notice.
“We should do this more often,” Dan said, picking up the glass and drinking it.
Do this more often…
-
It had been four days since they had returned home and Phil found himself avoiding Dan. What did he even say? Hey, I loved it when you and I acted like a couple; can we try that again? It was silly. He wasn’t confident if it was what he wanted. It had been years since anything had happened between them.
Phil was sitting in his room, on his laptop. It was four in the morning, but he hadn’t fully adjusted to the time shift. He knew Dan also hadn’t, he could hear him at all hours walking to the kitchen. He went back to scrolling on a random website when there was a knock at his door, and then Dan opened it and walked in. Phil had to rip his eyes from Dan and look back to his computer, his face definitely red. Dan had on a pair of black sweatpants and must have lost his shirt along the way, as he wasn’t wearing one.
Has he always looked this good? Phil thought to himself. He must have. He handed Phil a mug filled with tea and sat down next to him.
“Are you okay,” Dan asked. Phil sensed a smidge of worry in his voice. “You’ve not said much to me since we got back?”
Phil took what felt like the longest drink in his life. He wasn’t expecting to come into his room, most importantly he didn’t expect him to be shirtless. It’s all he could think about and he didn’t want to answer what the issue was. His plan was to ignore it. But Dan knew something was going on and wanted an answer.
Dan watched Phil play with his cup for a moment before setting it on his bedside table, closing his laptop to move to the side and crossing his legs. Phil was fidgeting with his fingers, and Dan noticed his cheeks getting more red.
“Did the couples' thing make you feel weird? I’m sorry. I didn’t think much of it.”
Phil sighed and rubbed his eyes. “No, that’s not -” he groaned and focused on his hands while talking. “I didn’t have an issue with it, which is the issue.”
Dan looked confused, “Huh?” How did he word this? Was there a right way? There had to be.
Phil picked at the skin around his fingernails. He felt Dan’s eyes watching him the entire time. It was a bit uncomfortable, but he couldn’t muster up any words. Dan looked away after a few minutes, and Phil relaxed a little.
“I realized I missed what we had.” Phil found himself admitting. The silence in the room was tense. Dan hadn’t said anything and looked at Phil. Phil had nothing else to say and resumed picking at his fingers again. He watched Dan nod silently, stand up, and leave the room.
Phil felt the frustration rise inside him. He wanted to shed a tear, but refused and just turned his light off. Laying down in bed, he curled up and pulled the blanket over himself. He stayed there and stared at the wall until the sun came up.
At some point, he must have fallen asleep. He opened his eyes and when he checked the time, it was now 10 o’clock. He heard no noise from the rest of the apartment. Groaning, Phil sat up and rubbed his eyes. He didn’t want to get out of bed right now. His bladder said otherwise.
After his morning routine, he went into the kitchen and made himself a piece of toast and a cup of coffee. Even though he doubted that Dan would come out anytime soon - especially if he knew that Phil was out and about, he made extra coffee. Taking his food to the lounge, he sat on the couch. They had an L-shaped one that was right beside a window. So he ate his toast and watched some birds on the bird feeders they had put out a few weeks before they went on holiday. The same one that made Phil question why he now felt his stomach knot when Dan was too close to him. The one that made him dream over and over of a redo of their first, and terrible, date.
Their first date was years ago. Phil wanted to do something simple like go out to dinner or a movie. Dan told him it didn’t feel like a date idea as they already do those things. It was December at the time and Dan suggested that they go ice skating. Come on, it’ll be fun! Dan had told him, and the same words he told him on their holiday. Phil had agreed and the next day they went ice skating. It was only supposed to last a few hours. Afterwards, they were going to go back to the house and cook a meal together and watch a movie. Phil wanted to do that, even though it had been things they’d done before together, the intentions were now different.
The date was terrible for a reason. A half-hour after holding the rail and gently pulling himself along, Dan convinced him to let go. Phil didn’t make it far and ended up breaking his wrist that night. The two joked about it after it happened, but once they agreed to be friends, it was like Phil never broke his wrist.
Dan had been playing it up while on holiday, Phil kept telling himself. He knew, though, after he looked through some photos on the flight back, that Dan looked at him differently. It was like there was a glimmer of hope behind his eyes that something could come back between them.
Phil turned his head when he heard Dan enter the kitchen. He listened and heard Dan pour himself a cup of coffee, and waited for him to either go back to his room or come out to where he was. He heard Dan yawn loudly and quickly shoved the rest of his toast into his mouth. Couldn’t talk if he was chewing.
Dan walked in moments later, still wearing the same black sweatpants. This time, though, he had on a shirt. Phil mentally thanked him and neither said a word. Phil thought about saying sorry, but he wasn’t sorry. There was nothing to be sorry for. He had a feeling he missed. But they needed to talk about it now that it was out in the open.
“Wanna watch something?” Dan asked him. Phil nodded, and Dan turned on the TV and put a random show on for them. Once more, silence fell between them, even with the noise from the television. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Dan occasionally glance his way for a moment. His chest felt slightly heavy, and he turned his head to look out the window again, and took a long sip from his coffee.
Phil felt like he was trapped in this room with Dan and needed out for a moment. He wanted to ask about hours prior, but couldn’t. It would make things possibly worse. Phil sat his coffee on the table, stood up, and speed-walked to his room. He heard Dan pause the show and call his name, but Phil didn’t answer. He simply closed his door and went and fell face first onto the bed and sighed. His heart was pounding and the feeling of something uneasy came over him again. It made him uncomfortable and he wanted to crawl out of his skin.
Dan left him alone for a while before he came and knocked at Phil’s door. Phil just made a noise and Dan came in, not bothering to close the door behind him. “What is this all about?” Dan asked him. “You just barged out.”
Phil sat up beside Dan so he didn’t have to face him. Every strange feeling that he felt started to mix with butterflies that he was getting from sitting next to him. He glanced down at Dan’s hand and his own, wishing to grab it and lock them together. His palms had started to sweat, and he wiped them roughly on his pants.
“I miss him before too," Dan told him, and Phil felt the world stop. What did he hear? It had to have been a mistake. For a moment, time stopped. Phil felt like he had no time to think or breathe. A heaviness kept coming in waves on his chest. He listened to Dan tell him that there wasn’t a motive behind the couple’s options, but once there he realized they could play it up. Natural, he told Phil. How it felt natural to hold his hand again and right. He continued with it to see what happened.
Phil couldn’t help but laugh and scratch at the back of his head. “A few times it felt like how our first date should have gone.” Dan smiled, and Phil was quiet. He still didn’t know why things ended between them. If there was ever a time to ask. “Why did we stop?” He asked in a hushed tone.
Dan sighed and held his hands together in his lap. “I was scared.” He admitted. “It was moving fast, I was worried about what would happen if it didn’t work.” Guilt riddled his voice, and Phil leaned over and laid his head on Dan’s shoulder. “So, I figured that ending everything before it had become too serious would save our friendship.”
Phil wasn’t sure what to say again. He felt that yet again he was left speechless, and Dan eased his posture slightly. “I never could figure out if it was something I had done or not.”
“No, I don’t think you could have.”
“Our entire trip left me confused," Phil told him. It wasn’t wrong. “You acted one way with me in public and acted like it never happened once we were alone.”
“I didn’t know what to say.”
Phil took a deep breath and sat up and rubbed his eyes. Everything felt like it was a bit too much. His chest was heavy, and he felt his eyes tear up; he rubbed them again. He thought for a while it was him that caused it, and Dan confirmed that it wasn’t. It was an overwhelming sensation. Dan wasn’t sure what to do, and sat there.
“Sorry,” Phil mumbled. Dan told him not to apologize, and Phil stepped out of his room to calm himself. So many unanswered thoughts were running through his mind. More that they would have to talk about. Dan didn’t follow him, which he appreciated. He went and got himself a drink of water before coming back to sit beside Dan.
“I mean it, though, I really do miss what we had," Dan said.
Phil looked at him. “I don’t know what I’m thinking or where we go.”
Dan sighed and hesitantly touched Phil’s hand. Phil didn’t move his hand away, which was a good sign, but he didn’t grab his hand either. He was absolutely clueless. Obviously, they couldn’t pretend this hadn’t happened. And they couldn’t move on potentially, without talking about it.
“The important thing, I think, is can.. Can you see yourself with me again?”
Phil never saw himself with anyone else. From the day he met Dan until now, he thought it would be him or no one. Phil told him that he couldn’t imagine himself with anyone else, he thinks. Dan laughed and made a smart-ass comment about being that great, and Phil groaned. “I’m serious.”
“I know, I know.” Dan fiddled with Phil’s hand, and the two of them sat quietly for a moment. “Do we take it day by day?”
Phil nodded. “I think so.” .