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Ever since I arrived here, nothing has been normal. Well, i guess it wasn't normal before i got here either. I don't really ever recall a point in my life where I fit in. I quickly write that down in my notebook. It makes me sound like some edgy depressed main character. They make looking like a loser on tv so much cooler than real life. I think about it all the time actually, more than I probably should. But it’s not like there's anything else to think of while I'm in this place. I was ‘adopted’ from Luther a few weeks ago. Adopted, meaning taken against my will. I know, crazy. But it's not like I could do anything about it. This place isn't the worst place I could be. At least I'm not starving or living on the streets. I scribbled out the ‘not starving’ part in my notebook, and yeah, I’m still writing all this down. Everyone here seems cool-ish. Sure, Randal is a bit loud at times, but that doesn't mean its bad living here. at least I'm ‘loved’.
I close my notebook after writing for what seems like hours. I glance around the room I'm in. I'm kind of glad I got my own room, it seems like I'm the only one in this house with their own room. Thank god. I stare down at my notebook on the ground, feeling my stomach curl a bit. This nausea is killing me. But what's killing me more is the fact I have no clue what's causing it. Maybe stress, or the fact I can never keep up an appetite. I just want to have a nice warm meal, without feeling like I'll puke my brains out afterward. I try to calm my nausea but there's a knock at my door. I'm too scared to say anything. The door creaks open on its own, it’s Luther. I feel a bit relieved it's him. I can tell he really cares about me, maybe not as much as he cares for Randal, but still. He's nicer than most people. He tells me dinner is ready. Great. As soon as I feel like I'm going to barf, I have to eat.
“Oh... I'm not really hungry right now... Will you save me a plate for later?” I ask hesitantly, scared that Luther might say no. surprisingly, he doesn't mind. I certainly thought he’d make me eat. For fucks sake he probably thinks I have an eating disorder, I mean all I do is barf and not eat. But it's not like that. I just. I just feel sick. I continue to think about this for a while. I wish I had my headphones, im sure music would've calmed me down.
Nighttime rolls around, I haven't been bothered by anyone. I really like quiet nights like this. I don't really get them often though. I continue to think and think and think. It's the only thing I'm actually good at. Other than hiding. From the world. I smirk, knowing I'm just amazing at making my own cheesy and depressing quotes. I reach out for my notebook, jotting it down quickly. My handwriting is pretty sloppy, but it's not like anyone would see it anyway. So it doesn't really matter, as long as I can read it, right? I feel pretty proud and content with myself, which is quickly interrupted by a boom of thunder. I hate thunder, more than anything. It's so loud. And it rumbles the house along with my body. It makes me feel like I can't stop the danger that's coming for me. After taking a few deep breaths, I stand up. Peeking my head over to the window in my room, the glass is foggy and dirty. It probably hasn't been cleaned in years. I rub my sleeve against the glass, staring outside at the rain. Despite my fear of thunder, I actually like the rain. It feels calm. I think that's why I like it so much.
I sit there for a few seconds, admiring the rain. I jump up a bit every time I hear thunder though. It's kind of silly, at my age, to be scared of thunder. I'm a teenager and still scared of thunder. How pathetic. I try to brush off my thoughts because I know I'll just end up not being able to get it out of my mind. I continue to watch the rain and doodle in my notebook for the next few hours. The sun would slowly set. I really love sunsets, not so much the darkness that comes after it though. I close my curtains the moment it gets dark enough. I just know I'll trick myself into seeing things that aren't actually there. I should probably sleep, I'm tired so it works out. Who am I kidding? I'm always tired. I chuckle to myself before crawling into my bed. It's a twin-sized bed that sits on the floor, which is probably growing black mold or something gross like that. It's hard to sleep most nights, my mind just likes to keep going no matter how many times I try to push the power button. But eventually, I fall asleep.
I open my eyes in the middle of the night, my room is dark and the only thing I can hear is the rain outside. I rub my eyes before sitting up. My back rests against the wall behind me. I still can’t see anything. I flick on the lamp on the floor next to me. A face is right in front of me, less than an inch away from me. It has pale skin and dark hair, its eyes are wide, and has a creepy smile. I scream, jumping up. My eyes shoot open for a second time. Oh my god. I take a few shaky breaths to realize it was just a stupid nightmare. I hesitantly flick on the lamp on the floor. No face. Phew.. as much as I'm relieved, I know I won’t be able to go back to sleep. I slowly stand up, biting my nails as I go to the door of my room. I creak it open, peering my head out into the dark hallway. My skin scraws at the mention of the dark. I’m scared someone will jump out at me, which isn't impossible, judging by how the people in this house are.
I shuffled down the hallway, the only thing I can see are my own legs. I can see the loose-fitting shorts that I'm wearing. The same ones I wore the day I got taken here, I haven’t bothered to change my clothes since. I finally make it to a door in the hallway, I try to turn the knob. It’s locked. I continue to walk down the hall, trying my best to be quiet. I find two more doors, both are locked as well. I then get to the last door down the hall. I have no hope left at this point. I’m preparing myself to just shamefully have to walk back to my room and sleep in fear. But no, the door is unlocked. I slowly open the door, peeking my head inside. The scent of cigarettes pinch my nose. I jerk my head back before taking a better look inside. I’m able to figure out whose room it is judging by the smell. It's Nyen’s. I was always kind of scared of him. But he’d keep me safe from any ghosts, right? He's strong, so surely he’ll be able to. I try to convince myself to stay.
As I continue to pressure myself to say I hear a voice. “What are you doing?” the voice is quiet and a bit groggy. It was Nyen. he seemed annoyed. Great. I've already pissed him off and I just got here. I notice I've been standing here, saying nothing so I quickly speak up. “I-I had a nightmare.” I stutter out. Praying and hoping he won’t get angry at me. Not more than he already is at least. “And?” Nyen spoke. “A-and I’m too scared to sleep in my room.” I quickly speak, I’m trembling. Not only fearing what his response is going to be, but the fact I can’t see anything. There’s a moment of silence before Nyen speaks again. “Fine.” he scoffs. I know he’s only doing this for Luther, if it wasn’t for him, Nyen would have probably mauled me to death by now.
I feel a wave of relief that he agreed to let me stay in his room for the night. I shuffle over to the sound of his voice, I place my hand out, reaching for the bed. I hear a grunt. What? Why’d he do that? I think. “Kid. seriously?” I hear Nyen grumble. I squeeze my fingers around the spot on the bed only to realize where my hand actually is. Oh. my. God. I remove my hand quickly. “I-I’m so sorry.” I quickly apologize. I can’t believe I fucking touching his fucking dick and then have to sleep next to him. I swear to fuck I’m going to kill myself in the morning. My mind continues to run, thinking and thinking and thinking. My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of Nyen’s voice again. “It’s whatever.” he doesn't care? But how? I keep thinking, I try to push it away as I more cautiously climb onto the mattress. I make sure to scoot away from him as I lay down. My head rests against the mattress, judging by the smell of his sheets, they haven’t been washed in ages. I try to pinpoint what the smell is, it’s a mixture. Body odor, cheap cologne, cigarettes, and sweat.
I gag quietly to myself, but loud enough that Nyen probably heard it. I feel bad, he probably thinks I smell too. It’s like my brain is trying to make me feel bad. But I push those thoughts away. I’m trying to sleep, that’s why I came into his room in the first place. I sigh, pulling a blanket over myself. I continue to think and think and think. My mind is racing at this point. I'll never get any sleep if this continues. I start thinking about how my life was before coming here. Depending on how you look at it, it’s equally as bad. I come to realize that I’ve always sort of been self destructive. I glance at my arm that peeks out from under the blanket. I’m surprised no one has asked about my scars. I really wonder. Do they not actually care about me? Was it all some front? I keep overthinking to the point I’m holding back tears. I take a breath, letting them fall. The sheets under me soak up the small droplets. Out of instinct, I sniffle. Shit. Shit. Shit. how could I forget Nyen is right next to me?
I slowly turn my head, making sure Nyen didn’t hear that. And of course, he was staring right at me. Fucking great. My face is still wet as I keep eye contact. I'm scared that he’ll yell at me for being too loud or that- My thoughts all come to a stop once I feel a warm feeling on my lips. I push myself out of this state of shock to realize that he's kissing me. I hesitate, but I kiss him back. His lips are dry, his breath smells like cigarettes, which I figured. I hope I'm doing this right. I’ve never kissed anyone before. Nyen pulls away after a few seconds before turning over and facing his back to me. What? Why is he turning away? I'm too scared to ask why. So I just move back before turning onto my side, facing away from him as well. Why did he kiss me? Me out of all people? I think about this for a few minutes before my mind slowly quiets itself, for the first time in a while I was about to sleep without any interruptions. I hope tomorrow morning is more peaceful than tonight.