Chapter Text
March 12th, 2288
It has been one week since I have been transferred from my robotic assembly and into a synth one. Since then, we have remained in Goodneighbor for precaution. Madame expresses concern and wishes to ensure that if any abnormalities occur, we may see Dr. Amari immediately.
While we wait, I am discovering and experiencing so many new sensations and emotions all at once that I find myself feeling so overwhelmed and confused. So madame has suggested that I keep a journal of my development and thoughts. Or anything my heart desires, as madame had put it, while I learn more of my now human cognition; much like how I maintain my data for research. After her suggestion, she has gifted me this journal and a modest collection of pencils and pens.
I have to admit, my initial reaction was similar to when Dr. Collins had requested I keep a log on my own terminal he assigned to me, I did not know how to accept. Then, I did not understand as robots cannot own property, as per RobCo policy but now as I think back I find myself feeling something both happy and sad at the memory. The sadness feels like when I shared with Dr. Amari my strongest memory and madame suggested to me that I might be experiencing grief. I feel grief for Dr. Collins as I felt grief for Dr. Burrow.
My mind wandered to this conclusion shortly after madame gave me a present and I did not show proper gratitude. Instead my eyes malfunctioned and I felt rather embarrassed.
How I wish now I could thank Dr. Collins for his kindness, but of course I cannot and the same sadness grows inside me with intensity. However, I shall focus on what I can do; I must thank madame properly and tell her how happy it has made me. Not just this, but everything she has done for me. She has once again saved me.
March 13th, 2288
We have finally left to embark on great adventures! I am excited to finally see new things with new perspectives. It is so wonderful but also so dangerous. Now I find myself with new concerns and fears. I am not so easily repaired as I was before. Reattaching a limb could likely prove difficult, if impossible.
Madame seemed to understand my worries and offered me words of comfort. She promises to keep me safe. Even though she is also human and easily harmed as well, I find myself calm with her words. I know I can trust her, she has had her whole life to be human and she does it so effortlessly.
I must get a handle on this but I find so many tasks now to be difficult. Even as I write, my hand aches. Such simple tasks I am no longer used to doing and I have to relearn these functions. However, I will press on to further pursue science.
March 15th, 2288
I am finding this journal more helpful than I had originally anticipated. As I no longer possess an efficient data storage system as I did before. I am forgetting even the simplest of things from my original data bank. Even standard data such as the mortality rate of influenza C. I cannot remember if it was 88% or 89%. Now, with this influx of new data, I am struggling to process it all even more. Writing down my experiences is helping me remember important things and gain a better understanding of certain aspects.
Such as today, I made a nearly grave mistake of observing a mirelurk nest up close out of curiosity and to gather data, but in my fascination I became complacent and madame had to save me from an adult mirelurk. I survive the hostilities but it is a wonder how humans have survived this long using only eyes and ears to sense danger. I would be dead if it wasn’t for madame and I feel embarrassed as I think about it now. I must remain more aware while in my studies.
There are also all these new bodily functions to keep track of. When I first experienced hunger, I nearly panicked. I understood that people required nourishment on a fundamental level but I did not know that it could be so painful when they are deprived of this. I expressed my condition and madam laughed, though she did not make me feel a fool. It was strange, I found myself laughing as well after she explained. Such a silly thing. She also apologized for not considering my necessity to eat now, she admitted to having a bad habit of letting herself go hungry for days when traveling at times and so she did not think of this. I am upset with myself for not observing this disregard for her basic needs. Now I will make sure to carry food for us both, and ensure madame has had proper nutrition.
March 21st, 2288
Today was a pleasantly quiet day. We spent most of our time at Diamond City so that madame may replenish some of her supplies. Witnessing madame barter is such a curious thing. How uniquely human it is.
Afterwards, we visited the power noodles. I have learned I very much enjoy them. They might even be my favorite source of nutrition. It is unfortunate that they have yet to repair the robot that serves them. Perhaps by the next time we visit.
March 24th, 2288
We have had such great luck! Today we were to visit the library. There were of course hostile inhabitants occupying the building, though they did not seem to be difficult for madame to clear out, as they say. Afterwards, madame allowed me to tour and examine what was left to my heart’s content.
I spent so much time searching through the remains, hoping to find something intact within the tragedy. Fortunately I found two works of literature and madame was able to procure a Massachusetts Surgical Journal. I was just happy to have found anything when everything was in such disrepair.
Afterwards, I experienced guilt. We had spent the rest of the day searching through the library until it was too dark to travel. Madame found a key to a secure room and so we will rest here for the night.
Even though we linger here longer than necessary, I find it pleasant to be in madames company. I rather enjoy our conversations together. Times like these, she shows me how useful the garbage she has collected can be and how they can be used to improve our weapons or armor. It is quite fascinating.
I now reconsider many thoughts I had previously. Maybe it is not so bad that we stayed.
April 1st, 2288
Today it is customary to make joke. I made an attempt at this, though it did not work. In fact, it failed terribly and I feel embarrassed. Even too embarrassed to write down what happened. I wish to forget today.
April 2nd, 2288
I did not forget, neither did madame. She is laughing still but I feel as though at my expense. She apologized, but she still laughs. I will dedicate my focus to research for the next few days with hopes this will be soon forgotten.
April 29th, 2288
We have been taking more journeys to help the Railroad. I will exercise caution when writing, I understand it is meant to be secret. But I must record some peculiar data I have accumulated that is unrelated. I have been experiencing curious biological things, they happen at random times but I notice them most often when I am within close proximity to madame. I do not have a single word to describe these feelings, they are a tangled ball of yarn. It is distracting and I find it hard to focus on my research. Before I struggled with basic functioning and now I have many inconsequential thoughts, they are a whirlwind in my head. They seem to grow exponentially as we assist these other synths together.
I also find that sleep eludes me now as we travel. On our earlier journeys, we would rest at settlements if they had beds to spare or hotels. Now, we are often resting where we can and in close quarters. Sometimes we even share a bed or sleep mat due to insufficient space. In these times I find it impossible to sleep, with the thoughts and the feeling overheated.
There is also another thing, something that happens when we are to help synth or agent. I feel a warmth and perhaps admiration, but also something else. I should not be surprised of her showing compassion to humans and synths. She has shown me a great deal of compassion, even as I was a robot. But it is that thought that exacerbates my earlier afflictions.
I wish to understand these feelings more. I fear that I cannot focus on my research until I do. However, I require more data.
May 24th, 2288
Madame has been taking visits to the Institute more frequently to further the Railroads cause. I now find myself with more time to examine my data I have collected and further my research while she does this. It is a good thing and I have made some progress, though not as much as I would like. Certainly nothing remarkable. Even as madame is away, my mind wanders to other things still. They linger on her. I have made no further progress on understanding this and I worry that I may never move forward.
Despite my tribulations, I have made a potential discovery with the use of a particular strain of mutfruit. It is still a work in progress but I hope to share my findings with madame once she returns.
May 29th, 2288
I could no longer ignore the turmoil of emotions that I have. They spin and spin so much I am confused. I have tried to collect more data but I find it difficult to decipher on my own.
I approached madame about these feelings so that maybe she can help me understand them better. I must say, I feel lighter in a way that is not physical. I can now confidently say that madame is my friend. Such a new and strange feeling I experience. It is nice.
June 3rd, 2288
After my previous conversation with madame, I felt a brief moment of clarity. Having defined my emotions tied to madame as friendship. Though as I dwell on this conclusion, there is a certain wrongness to it.
A friend is someone that brings you joy, good feelings when they are about. Someone you desire to help and make happy. Someone you respect. These things are true but there is a nagging feeling that there is something else, something deeper. I cannot make sense of this still, though I understand it is more profound than what madame suggests.
I will analyze this further.
June 10th, 2288
I worry for madame. There has been a developmental change to our relationship it seems. Even though we are remained as friends, there is an unpleasantness that wasn’t there before. We no longer hold conversations as before, there is a hardness to madames words. They are not unkind, though they offer gentleness either. I am unsure what there is to do.
I try to focus on my work instead. I am pleased to note that I have made great progress. As much as this has made me happy, I hope that once I am finished, it will also make madame happy as well. She is, afterall, largely the inspiration for this discovery.
June 15th, 2288
I am saddened by the turn of events. It would seem that I have upset madame when I conveyed my feelings for her was something more than friends; contrary to what she had suggested before. Besides the other incontrovertible data, she has asked that we terminate our arrangement to journey together. She offered me to stay at any of the settlements she has helped establish or she would take me back to Vault 81.
I do not wish to go back there, I have already spent far too long kept inside those walls. I have gathered all the data I can, there is nothing more there for me. But the thought of staying in any of the settlements also brings me sadness. I have now a taste for the life we live on our journeys together. Even though it is terribly dangerous and oftentimes I find it difficult to be next to madame, the thought of not being near her at all is far worse. It makes my eyes malfunction as they do now.
I am deeply pained by the fact that we shall no longer continue our journeys together, but I shall respect her wishes. Perhaps she will change her mind in the future. At least I can only hope.
July 8th, 2288
It has been nearly a month since madame had escorted me to Sanctuary. Everyone has been very kind to me since my arrival and I am grateful. However, I feel listless in my day to day routine. Before I felt so full and now I feel empty, but not of hunger, it is of something else.
Monsieur Sturges offers to teach me many new things outside of my scientific knowledge. It is all very fascinating and it is often what I had dearly wished for upon first exiting Vault 81. Though I do not feel the satisfaction I had hoped for.
My experiments and theories also feel insipid upon reviewing and I do not have the inspiration that I thought I’d have to move forward with my research. I do not understand why and I grow frustrated, so much so that I have spoken poorly to some of the settlers for no justifiable reason and I am most regretful for doing so.
Monsieur Preston has tried to comfort me in these moments. I feel terrible even though he says that it is okay and that it can occur when people have emotions they do not understand or do not know how to express them. It is true, I do not understand my current mixture of feelings, they are like a storm circling inside me constantly. Anger, sadness, confusion, pain, the list goes on and on. It is so much for me to comprehend. Before it was too much experiencing two emotions at once and now I am experiencing them all simultaneously. I become overwhelmed and my eyes malfunction once again.
Though his kindness is appreciated, I wish that I could speak with madame about these feelings. Maybe I would have a better understanding and therefore could express them better. However, I know she wishes nothing to do with me.
August 19th, 2288
I have not written in sometime. I have not felt the need or the want to do so. This journal has become a reminder of madame and it pains me now to look at it. I only write in it now so that I may leave a message if madame ever comes back, if she so chooses. She will not have to worry about me and my sudden absence.
I am leaving Sanctuary on my own. I do not know where yet, but I hope to find inspiration again. I was advised that inspiration can be influenced by happiness and I now understand that I am not happy here. Even though I know where I would find myself the most happiness, I cannot be there. Instead I shall find something elsewhere. At least I hope I can, I understand it is not guaranteed.
If you are reading this madame, I hope you are well. I ask that you not worry about me. I believe that you have taught me well how to survive in this new world we live in. I fear that I must do this for my well being. I thank you for all that you have done for me, I am eternally grateful. I am sorry for ever making you upset.
-Curie