Archive of Our Own

For the first eleven years of Remus’ life, his wrist had read a number around one hundred and eighty-two. Sometimes it fluctuated, of course, but it never read under one hundred and forty-eight. This meant that, much to Remus’ frustration, his soulmate probably lived somewhere in London.

For the first eleven years of Remus’ life, his wrist had read a number around one hundred and eighty-two.

Until September 1st, 1971.

It wasn’t until about 12:30 that he really noticed that anything unusual was happening. At 11, Remus noticed the number rapidly going down, but that wasn’t out of the ordinary. Cars and trains existed, and considering he’d used both in his life, he had no reason to believe his soulmate hadn’t.

At 12:30 though, the number had reached seventy. Based on Remus’ calculations, which he had done extensively, that put his soulmate in Birmingham, or maybe in Cheltenham, or Stoke-on-Trent, or one of the other towns around there. Remus sat at the kitchen table, looking between his wrist and his map, as the numbers kept going down, and down, and down. And then they went up, and up, and up. Ninety-five, one hundred and twenty, two hundred and one, three hundred and ten, up and up and up until it stopped.

Four hundred and forty-eight miles. Two distance records, beat in the same day. Remus wasn’t really sure what to do with that information, he poured over his maps again and again, trying to figure out what that distance meant.

“Looking over your maps again, cariad?” He smiled slightly when he heard his mum  sit down next to him.

“He’s further away, mum,” Remus sighed. “He got closer, and now he’s as far away as he could be!”

“Let me take a look.” Hope pulled the map closer to herself. Her eyes widened, and then she smiled slightly. “Remus, your soulmate…”

“What? What is it?” Despite her smile, Remus only felt nerves.

“Your soulmate is at Hogwarts.”

***

For the next seven years, Remus watched his wrist on September 1st as the number dialled down to seventy and then back up to four hundred and forty-eight. For the first two years, he went home during Christmas and Easter. The next two years, only Christmas. In his fifth year, he didn’t go home until the end of the school year. In the sixth year a new permanent location was unlocked, which put him even further away than before, at two hundred and fifty-two miles away. He never went back to being one hundred and eighty-two miles away.

For the next seven years, Remus cursed the gods and the stars and the moon and everything else that stopped him from getting on that train when he was eleven. He’d met Professor Dumbledore, who had sat in their tiny Welsh kitchen with a cup of tea and a smile on his face and told Remus how he would do so well at Hogwarts, how it would be the safest place for him, how it would be a perfect place for him to learn and grow.

For the next seven years, his father told him he couldn’t go. He said it was too dangerous, he said Remus was too dangerous. He said that until Remus could get his problem sorted, he couldn’t leave.

For the next seven years, his mother taught him. She took him to Diagon Alley, bought him his first wand, his cauldron, all of the books on the letter Professor Dumbledore had sent them. She was a muggle, but she stepped up when his father wouldn’t. It wasn’t perfect, but it worked.

For the next seven years, Remus cried. He cried when he fell down the stairs and broke his wrist, he cried when his mum died, he cried when his dad left. He didn’t cry during the full moons though. He had to prove his dad wrong, that he wasn’t a monster, that he wasn’t broken, that people would love him like his mom had. He cried when he realized he wasn’t sure if he believed himself.

***

In 1984, Remus finally decided to leave the farm. It was sad, of course. He was the only child, and it was weird leaving behind the family home. The rooms were taken over now, his room changed into a nursery, his parents’ taken over by a young couple excited to start their life together. He only had a backpack to his name, equipped with an undetectable extension charm but still not nearly as full as it could be.

He started his long journey to London with a walk. The train station was only twenty minutes down the road, but that was in a car. Walking, it was more like four hours. The winding road had never scared him before, but it felt a bit like walking into the unknown. He knew these bushes, these trees, these paths but somehow they were unfamiliar this time.

He pulled out a cigarette while he walked, stopping for a moment to light it before continuing on his way. The smell of the smoke and the familiar feel of it between his fingers grounded him, and he could feel some of his anxiety melting away. The slight drizzle wasn’t really helping, but it felt perfect somehow. Like Wales was saying goodbye to him just as much as he was saying goodbye to it.

When he could finally see the lights of Knighton’s major street in front of him he couldn’t help the sigh of relief. He’d made it, and the first part of his journey was over. He walked over to the ticket office, and stopped in front of the window. The man behind the glass looked bored, not that Remus could blame him. Knighton wasn’t exactly a thriving metropolis. It was entirely possible he was the first person to go through that train station that day.

“One ticket to London, please.”

***

Remus tried to ignore the counter on his wrist as he watched the English countryside flash by the window. He’d put his backpack on the seat next to him, and he reached in to get an apple.

One hundred and ninety-eight miles. It was a bigger jump than Remus was expecting, and he nearly dropped the apple on the ground of the train in his haste to pull his map out of his backpack. The map had certainly seen better days. It had pen marks in all colours from countless years of trying to figure out where his soulmate could possibly be.

One hundred and ninety-eight. That put him…

No.

Remus could hardly believe it. He pressed his eyes closed, and then covered them with his fists, and then slumped down onto the table. It was entirely possible that his soulmate had also decided to go to London.

***

Remus’ arrival into London King’s Cross was boring, to say the least. It was his first time ever setting foot in the station, and he had to admit he was underwhelmed. It was just another station. Busier than he was used to, but nothing special. He wondered if he’d have felt the same seeing it at 11 on his way to Hogwarts.

As a 24-year-old wizard who’d barely stepped foot outside of Beguildy, Wales, Remus had very little idea of where to start. He remembered The Leaky Caldron, the entrance to Diagon Alley, but he wasn’t entirely sure if he could get there on his own.

He walked over to a big map of the underground, and scoured it for any names he recognized. Since he’d only been in London for Diagon Alley, he knew whatever he recognized would surely be for there.

Sure enough, after a few minutes, he finally noticed some names that looked familiar. “Piccadilly,” He muttered to himself under his breath. Someone walked up beside him, and he internally cringed, hoping they hadn’t heard him talking to himself.

He found the station he recognized, and then followed signs for the Piccadilly line going south. Everything was overwhelming, the people, the number of lines, how loud everything was. He managed to squeeze onto the train as the doors were closing, making sure his backpack wouldn’t get caught in the doors.

The trip to the station was short, only about ten minutes, but it felt like an eternity. It was later in the day, close to the time people were all getting off work, so there were no seats available for him to sit on.

His backpack, despite having very little in it, felt heavier than it had leaving home. His whole body felt heavier, like the city was weighing him down somehow.

He’d been avoiding looking at his counter ever since noticing his soulmate’s move to London, but he looked at it then. Twenty-seven miles.

That proved it, without a doubt. His soulmate was in London, only twenty-seven miles away.

Remus had thought that knowing that might uplift him, like the soulmate bond had healing power, not that that made any sense. Instead it filled him with a weird dread, something oppressive and harsh.

The closer he got to The Leaky Cauldron the larger the number got, so he knew his soulmate lived somewhere in the west. Remus decided to file away that information for later, as a reminder to avoid west London at all costs.

Not that he’d admit that to himself, or anyone else.

By the time he got to The Leaky Cauldron his bones were aching, he was hungry, and he just wanted to sleep. The door creaked when he opened it, and the bell above the door chimed. The room was dead, with only a few people scattered around, mostly individually sat.

“You alright?” The man behind the counter smiled at him as he approached. He was missing a couple teeth, but the smile was genuine and kind. “What can I get you?”

“A room, if possible,” Remus said, collapsing down into one of the chairs at the bar.

“You got it,” He said, turning around to a big board lined with room keys. There were only a couple keys missing, not that Remus was surprised based on the lack of people around. 

“New in town?”

It took Remus a second to realize someone was talking to him. He turned to the left and saw a guy, only a few years older than him, leaning against the bar next to him. He had bright red hair and more freckles than normal skin. Remus noticed a silver piercing on his right ear, something he’d never seen a man have before.

“Yeah,” Remus said, apprehensive.

“I’m Gideon,” The guy smiled and then gestured to the corner of the room, where a group of guys were sitting. There was another man who looked just like Gideon, as well as two others who were kind of hidden by the shadows in the room. “Those are my friends over there, would you like to join us?”

“Sure,” Remus smiled gratefully. He took the key the barman was holding out and then followed Gideon to the back of the room.

“Where are the beers, mate,” One of the guys Remus hadn’t been able to see before asked. His hair was dirty blonde and he looked a bit mousy. “Or were you too busy flirting to get them.” He raised an eyebrow at Remus, who blushed a deep red.

Was it obvious? He didn’t think he’d done anything to make anyone think anything. They hadn’t pulled out any slurs, so that was good. He braced himself for what he was sure would be a lashing, whether physical or otherwise, but nothing came.

Instead, Gideon was laughing. “Is that really all you think of me? I’m wounded. You wound me, Peter.”

“Am I wrong, though? Just last week you made us leave without you because you were too busy chatting up some bloke in the corner,” The man, Peter, said, rolling his eyes.

Remus stayed silent, stunned by their open language, and how they didn’t seem to care who heard them. He’d never been around other gay people, assuming that’s what they were, let alone other out and proud gay people. The conversation continued around him, with the fourth guy also piping in occasionally, until Gideon stopped and looked at him, finally noticing how quiet he’d been.

“Oh Merlin,” Gideon said, looking at him. “You’re not one of those homophobes are you? I thought I got a queer vibe but if I was wrong please feel free to move along.” All four guys were looking at him then, eyes locked and waiting for his answer.

“No!” Remus’ voice was a lot higher than he meant it to be, and also a lot louder. The barman looked over at them, and Remus smiled back, trying to pretend like he hadn’t just caused a huge scene. “I’m definitely- Well, you see- I’m just-“ Remus stuttered, not fully able to get any words out, let alone the ones he wanted to say.

Yes, Remus was queer. Of course he was. He’d just never exactly said it out loud. He’d grown up in a tiny town in Wales, he’d never met a queer person before, he got all his understanding and knowledge about it from his dad. He’d been pretty terrible about the werewolf thing, and the ‘being a parent’ thing, but he’d been surprisingly good with the gay thing. He’d explained it to Remus early, that there was nothing wrong with being gay, and that the muggles weren’t always as right as they liked to say they were.

“Yes, I’m gay,” Remus spoke so quietly the other guys had to lean in closer to hear him. “I’m sorry if I seemed… rude. I’ve never actually,” His voice faltered a bit and he trailed off.

“You’ve never met another gay person before, have you,” Gideon’s voice was amused, and Remus shook his head, eyes downcast. He felt ashamed, almost, which was weird. He’d figured he’d feel ashamed to be gay when he moved to London, not ashamed to not be able to say it.

“Well, now you have,” Gideon’s brother clapped him on the back. “And Gideon knows almost every other gay wizard in London, so you basically do now too. By association, at least.”

“That’s not how that works,” Peter rolled his eyes, taking the last sip of his beer. “Another round?”

The other guys all nodded as Peter stood up, and he looked over at Remus. “Anything for you,” He paused. “What was your name again?”

Everyone at the table erupted into laughter, and even Remus was holding back a chuckle. Somehow he’d managed to tell a table of guys his sexuality before his name. “I’m Remus,” he smiled. “And sure, I’d love one.”

“I’m Fabian,” The other redhead said when Peter was officially walking away. “I’m Gid’s more handsome older brother.” He ended his sentence with a wink, which made Remus laugh. They were identical, or nearly at least, although Fabian’s nose was a bit slimmer and Gideon’s hair was longer.

“Older by three minutes,” Gideon corrected. “And never lets me forget it, either.”

“Hey, three minutes is three minutes,“ Fabian laughed. “I’ll take what I can get”

“Before these two completely derail the conversation,” The last guy interjected. He had brown hair and a kind smile, and looked about the middle age between everyone. Remus noticed a wedding ring on his finger, the only jewelry he’d noticed on any of them except Gideon’s earring. “I’m Frank.”

“It’s nice to meet all of you,” Remus smiled. He was beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed, by all the information and attention, and was very grateful when Peter appeared with their drinks.

“Drinks for the masses,” He said, setting three beers down on the table. The barman was right behind him with the other two, and Peter thanked him before siting back down in his seat. “What did I miss?”

“Not a lot,” Gideon said. “Mostly just Fab being a prick.”

“Ah, so nothing new then,” Peter grinned. Fabian let out an offended noise, but it was lost under the chuckles.

“So,” Remus said, trying to make himself more active in the conversation. It was his chance, he realized, to make some friends and maybe find a job or a place to stay. “How did you all meet?”

“Hogwarts, of course,” Fabian said, throwing an arm over Gideon’s chair. Frank was two years after us, and then Pete was three years after him. We were all in Gryffindor, so we saw each other around in the common room and the great hall and all.”

Hogwarts. Of course. The thing Remus himself had never gotten to experience. He wondered if he would have also known them, if he would have been in Gryffindor too, or if they’d have passed by each other entirely.

“Say, how old are you,” Peter asked. “You look about my age, but I don’t recognize you at all.”

“I’m 24,” Remus said, rubbing the back of his neck. He wondered, for a moment, if he should have lied. He realized that too late though, and the look of confusion covering Peter’s face told him everything he needed to know.

“So am I,” Peter said. Remus could nearly see the gears turning in his head. “I think I’d remember you, if I’d seen you.”

Remus winced, knowing he was talking about the terrible scars that tore across his body. He could hide some of them well enough, but the ones on his face and neck were impossible to conceal.

“I didnt go,” Remus admitted. The shocked look was mirrored on all four of the guys, and they all opened their mouths at the same time.

“Why not,” Peter asked. It was abrupt, but not unkind, which Remus appreciated.

“My dad,” Remus trailed off. “He didnt think it would be a good idea. My mom taught me at home instead.”

“Was your dad against magic,” Frank leaned forward a bit, resting his elbows on the table.

“No,” Remus shook his head. “Not at all. My mum was the muggle, actually. No, he just didn’t really, well.” He stopped talking, unsure of really what to say. “It’s a long story, I suppose.”

“We’ve got a long time,” Peter said, clearly wanting him to continue.

“It’s okay,” Frank interjected. “If Remus doesn’t want to tell us, he doesn’t have to.”

Remus smiled appreciatively, and Frank smiled back. It was an unspoken thank you and you’re welcome, something Remus was grateful for.

The conversation moved on, then, to work and their other friends. Remus sat quietly, listening as they spoke highly about the people in their lives. They laughed a lot, and loudly, and Remus loved it.

Before he knew it, it was 11:30. The barman was starting to close down, wiping a table as a charmed broom swept the floors. He flipped the open sign to closed with the flick of his wand, and Gideon took that as their cue to leave.

“Right, I’d say it’s time to clear out, eh,” He slapped his hands on the table as he stood up, making the empty glasses clatter a bit. “After you, Remus, please.” Gideon was gesturing out the door with an expectant look on his face, confusing Remus completely. 

“Oh, no, I’m just going upstairs,” He shook his head. “It was nice meeting you all though, hopefully I’ll see you around?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Fabian scoffed. “We’re not leaving you here, come on. We have a comfy couch you can crash on.”

“I couldn’t impose,” Remus shook his head. He definitely didn’t want to put anyone out or be an inconvenience. No, staying in the Leaky Cauldron seemed like the right option. The safe option.

“It’s not an imposition,” Gideon shook his head. “We’re offering, remember?”

“Well,” Remus shook his head. “If you’re sure?”

“They’re sure,” Frank nodded. “They’re not going to take no for an answer, so you may as well just come along.”

“Precisely,” Fabian clapped him on the back. “Listen to Professor Longbottom, Remus. He knows all.”

“Yeah right,” Frank snorted. “If you want herbology knowledge I’m your guy though.”

“Good to know,” Remus smiled, following the four friends out the door and onto the street.

It was largely empty, save for a few muggles hurrying to escape the heat that didn’t disappear despite the late hour.

“You can apparate with Gid,” Fabian said when they turned into an alley. “I’m going to Molly’s, I promised her I’d babysit for her and Arthur tonight once we’d left the pub.”

“See you later,” Gideon said, but it wasn’t to Fabian. No, he disappeared with a loud crack, leaving just Remus and Gideon on the dark muggle street.

“What just happened,” Remus asked, still staring at the spot where Fabian had just been standing. “Where did he go?”

“Our sister’s,” Gideon shrugged. “Why he’s going there at 11:30 is beyond me, but that’s between them I guess.” He held out his arm to Remus with an expectant look. Remus wished he knew what he was expecting.

A look of realization flashed across Gideon’s face. “You’ve never apparated before, have you?”

“I have not,” Remus confirmed. “I didn’t even know it existed until about five seconds ago.”

“Just hold on,” Gideon wiggled his arm a bit and Remus reached out to link his arm. “You might feel a bit disoriented, but just don’t let go.”

Remus nodded, and then without warning the ground was gone from beneath his feet. All he could feel was Gideon’s arm, and he had to close his eyes because of how disorienting the world spinning around was.

When they finally landed back on solid ground, Remus stumbled down onto his hands and knees, leaning as far down as he could to regain his balance.

“You did better than most people,” Gideon kneeled next to him. “The first time I side along apparated with James he nearly fainted, and Peter threw up the first time.”

Remus chuckled a bit, but it came out a bit shallow. He recognized James’ name from their conversations earlier, when Peter had mentioned how he’d roomed with two guys named James and Sirius at Hogwarts.

“I guess I get bragging rights then,” he said weakly. “Although maybe I shouldn’t say anything yet, the night is still young.”

“You look a bit pale, mate,” Gideon put a hand on his forehead. “You alright? Want some water?”

“Yes please,” Remus muttered, pressing a hand to his forehead as if that might alleviate the headache. It didn’t, but the water did help a bit. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” Gideon smiled. “I’ll give you some space, just holler when you’re ready and I’ll give you a tour of the place.” Remus nodded, and listened as his footsteps got further away. He was beyond grateful for everything Gideon and his brother and friends had done for him, even just giving him a friendly face in the city, and he sat in silence for a while to soak it all in.

He’d never really had friends before, since he’d been homeschooled on a giant farm. There were other kids in the village, but he’d never interacted with them outside of selling their family eggs or wool, and had otherwise kept to his family. It was weird, sitting on Gideon and Fabian’s carpet, listening to Gideon whistle to himself in the kitchen.

Once the weird feeling in his head and chest went away, he rose slowly and followed Gideon into the kitchen.

“Hey,” Gideon smiled. “Feeling better?”

“Much,” Remus set the empty glass on the counter. “Thank you, for everything.”

“Of course, don’t mention it. You’re our friend now, and we help our friends.”

And with that, Gideon dismissed Remus’ apologies and instead focused back on making sure Remus felt comfortable and at home. He gave him a tour, and Remus looked around the house. It was small, but not tiny. Two bedrooms, one bathroom, and a spacious living room. It was messy, but not unclean, and Remus could see how lived in it was. Just like his own home had been, when he’d been growing up. He’d almost forgotten what it was like to live somewhere that was filled with happiness and light, after being alone for so long.

“I’ll just be in my room if you need anything,” Gideon gestured to the door at the end of the hall. “Goodnight.”

Remus stared at the closed door for a few seconds, and then turned back to the couch. It was small, and he’d have to really squish to fit his tall legs, but it was somewhere safe and warm. The blankets Gideon had left him with were old and a bit ratty, but Remus could see they were made with good quality wool once upon a time.

He fell asleep quickly, for the first time in a very long time.

***

He’d been in London for about a month when Gideon had a day completely free. He sat down next to Remus at the kitchen table, a perfectly cooked scrambled egg in front of him, and stared at Remus as he drank his tea.

“Yes,” Remus asked, not looking up from his newspaper. It was a muggle one, pictures stagnant and one dimensional, which looked weird to him since he’d gotten used to the Daily Prophet. He liked to read the muggle ones too sometimes, although these headlines left something to be desired.

“Those headlines sure are something,” Gideon said, putting another spoonful of sugar into his coffee. Remus looked up briefly, knowing Gid was talking about the hateful vitriol being spat by muggle politicians towards queer people in the UK.

“If only muggles were as accepting as wizards, eh,” He set down the paper, tired of the same old articles as what he’d seen before, just in a different package.

“Indeed,” Gid shook his head, and then smiled. “On that note, actually, I have somewhere I want to take you.”

“Oh,” Remus asked, trying to look unbothered. In truth, he was excited for the chance to do something other than apply for jobs he knew he wasn’t going to get.

“Its a cafe, over in Earl’s Court. You’ll love it,” Gid finished his egg, and then flicked his wand to make his dish fly into the sink and then start to wash itself. Despite having lived with Gid and Fab for a month, the casual magic they used in their every day lives still amazed him.

“Can’t wait,” Remus said, taking another sip of tea.

“Great,” Gid stood up. “Let me know when you’re ready to go, but no rush.”

Remus nodded and waited until Gid was gone before he stood up and rinsed his mug in the sink. The plate was clean by then, and back in the cupboard. Remus, however, didn’t trust himself to not break a dish - or several - cleaning things the magical way, so he turned on the tap and began to clean it himself.

Once he was done, he laced up his boots and met Gideon in the entranceway. He held out his arm without speaking, but Remus was used to that. He hadn’t felt ill since his first time apparating, and was even growing to almost enjoy it. He imagined it probably felt like a roller coaster, like the ones his mum had told him about when he was young.

Gideon had been right, Remus knew before even stepping into the cafe. It was a white building, in between a muggle clothing store and a muggle hardware store. It was clearly a magical establishment, he could tell by how the muggles’ gaze seemed to slide right from one store to the other without landing right on the cafe.

“This cafe has been around for years,” Gideon said, standing next to Remus. “Earl’s Court is the muggles’ gay hub because it was the wizarding one first.”

Remus looked around as Gideon narrated the street for him, pointing out the bars and clubs, both wizarding and muggle. He told him about the singers who’d performed in these buildings, the history and culture and familiarity of the queer community that was all around him.

The cafe was well lit, with plants everywhere Remus turned. Three of the walls were purple, and the fourth one had a bunch of colours spilled over it like someone cut up a rainbow and put it back together.

Gideon walked through the centre of the room to reach the counter, and Remus followed slowly behind. The whole place was packed and noisy, filled with laughter and cigarette smoke.

“No, I’m not kidding,” The girl behind the counter was laughing with Gideon when Remus walked up. “I really wish I was!”

“Remus,” Gideon pulled him forward a bit. “This is Mary, Mary meet Remus. He just moved here from Wales.”

“Nice to meet you Remus,” Mary smiled up at him. Part of her hair was pulled back by a headband but most of it spilled over her shoulders in tight ringlets. Her nails were painted a light purple colour, and she tapped them on the counter almost absentmindedly.

“You too,” He smiled, hoping she didn’t think he was staring to judge her.

“What can I get you,” She asked, holding up a piece of paper and a pen.

“Just a tea please,” Remus said. Mary nodded and then wrote it down on the paper, followed by Gideon’s order - which she had memorized, so Gid clearly frequented this place. Not that Remus could blame him, if everyone was as nice as Mary.

He’d definitely noticed the look of confusion pass over her face when she didn’t recognize him and he said he was new in town, but he was grateful she didn’t say anything.

“Ooo who’s this,” A girl walked over from behind Remus and stood next to Mary behind the counter. Her hair was long, down to her waist, and pulled into more tiny braids than Remus could count. He idly wondered how long it had taken her to do them all, or if she’d had help.

“This is Remus,” Mary said, and then handed her the paper with their order on it, and she started making their drinks. “He’s new in town and has had the misfortune of meeting Gideon before anyone else.”

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” The girl said to Remus as she passed him his tea, and then Gideon his coffee. “How’d you manage to meet this loser?”

“Let me guess,” Mary interjected. “The Leaky Cauldron?”

“Yeah actually,” Remus laughed. “How did you know?”

“Lucky guess. He insists on still going there despite there being so many nicer places around,” The girl said. “I’m Dorcas by the way.”

“Remus,” Remus held out his hand to shake hers, which had more rings than fingers. “I like your rings.”

“Thanks,” She grinned, wiggling her fingers. “I like wearing them ‘cause my girlfriend likes taking them off.” She punctuated her sentence with a wink, which made Mary laugh and Gideon roll his eyes.

“Don’t roll your eyes at me, it’s not my fault you can’t hold down a guy,” Dorcas grinned.

“I’ll have you know, that’s not the problem,” Gideon shot back, making Remus snort out his tea.

Gideon and Dorcas bickered back and forth a bit and Remus turned back to Mary, a slightly confused and amused look on his face.

“They’ve been friends for ages, since before Hogwarts,” Mary explained. “They weren’t in the same year, because Dorcas is younger, but they grew up near each other. They were both shocked when Dorcas was sorted into Slytherin, but still kept up their friendship.”

“That’s nice,” Remus said, unsure of what else to say. He knew about the houses and their rivalries, but since he hadn’t lived it, it didn’t really mean a lot to him. “What about you?”

“Me? Oh, well, I was in Gryffindor like Gid, but later. He’s five years older than me, we met but didn’t really talk or anything until after I graduated. Our friend groups kind of all melded together.”

“I met some of them as well,” Remus said. “Fabian, Frank, and Peter.”

“Knowing Gid you’ll meet the rest sooner or later, but we’ll see. We used to hang out a lot more, but we’re all getting older. It’s not like it used to be,” Mary said wistfully. Remus nodded, but didnt say anything. He’d never had the same experiences that Mary was talking about, and he was almost glad he hadn’t. It seemed like a lot of work.

Remus drank the rest of his tea standing by the counter with Gideon, and by the time he was done his legs were tired and aching.

“It was nice to meet you,” He said as he set his empty cup on the counter.

“You too,” Mary smiled.

“Don’t be a stranger,” Dorcas added on as he followed Gideon out the door.

“I won’t,” He promised as he left, and he realized that he genuinely meant it.

***

Remus had dealt with a lot of full moons, but the ones in London were by far the worst. Since he no longer lived on a farm, he had to take the tube and then a bus and then walk three hours to get to an abandoned house he’d found one day when he’d been scouting for somewhere to go on the full moon. It was clear no one had lived there in years, based on the layer of grime and filth that laid over everything. Full moons had always been cold and dark, but for some reason they had never been lonely before, not like they were in London.

Something about home. He wanted it, he craved it. But home wasn’t in Wales anymore, no matter how much he wished it was. No. Instead, home was just over ten miles away.

After arriving, when the counter had read twenty-nine, it kept going down after. First twenty-five, and then twenty, and then fifteen. It was like his soulmate was testing the waters, seeing how close he could get, and Remus wasn’t really sure what to do. It was like his soulmate was giving him a chance to say no. There were times they got closer, to nine or seven, but never anything under six.

That fact felt sacred somehow, like some line neither of them were willing or ready to cross. He would spend his whole life staring at that number, if he could. Instead, he read. He walked, every day, scouring the city for a job. He read every book in Gid and Fab’s apartment, and then got a library card when he finished them.

It took Remus four months to finally find a job. He was walking down one of the main streets, popping into shops as he went, but having no luck. He was just about to give up for the day and head back to Gideon’s when a shop he hadn’t noticed before caught his eye from across the street. It was small, the smallest storefront on the block, but the sign above the door read HILLSIDE BOOKS in a bright blue font. There was also a smaller HELP WANTED sign hanging in the window, next to a display of children’s books.

The bell jingled when he stepped through the door, and a cheery woman smiled at him from behind the counter. “Just one second, love,” she said, before turning back to her customer. “That’s right, Mrs. Mapleton, your son will love this one I’m sure.”

The woman purchased her items, and then Remus took her place at the counter when she hurried out the door.

“What can I do for you, hon,” The woman smiled. She was older, around 70, with glasses resting on the end of her nose and light grey hair.

“I was wondering if I could apply for the job,” He gestured back to the sign. “My name is Remus.”

“Nice to meet you, honey. To be honest, we’ve had that sign out there for weeks and no one’s applied.” She sighed, looking a little dejected. “When can you start?”

“That’s it,” Remus asked, shocked. “I can have the job?”

“You seem like a nice young man,” She said. “My name’s Donna, I run the store because the owner isn’t around a lot. I’ll give you the job, with a three month probation period. We’ll call it a trial run.”

“Thank you,” Remus said, nearly collapsing in relief.

He hadn’t thought of it, when he’d agreed to move in with Gid and Fab, but he’d never lived with anyone who hadn’t known about him being a werewolf before. It was getting increasingly hard to convince his new friends there was nothing wrong, especially when he disappeared and then came back with scrapes and bruises that turned into more scars. A constant reminder of how quickly everything could go downhill, if they ever found out.

“When can you start,” Donna asked, moving out from behind the counter. She started walking down the aisles, fixing books as she went, and Remus followed her.

“Anytime, really,” He said, trying to hide the slight limp he was stuck with after the most recent full moon. He knew it would heal soon, but soon wasn’t coming quick enough for him this time.

“How about now,” She asked, looking at him from over her glasses.

“Perfect,” Remus said, determined to get through the next few months and prove to her that she was right to trust him.

He made it through his first shift, and then his seventh, and then his eleventh, before he told Gid and Fab about his new job. He hadn’t wanted to jinx it, and wanted to make sure he’d have some money set aside and a place in mind before he told them he’d be moving.

“What do you mean, you’re leaving,” Fab asked over their coffee on the morning of Remus’ fourth shift.

“It’s time,” Remus said. “Thank you, so much, for your kindness, but I’ve secured a job now and it’s time for me to move out.”

Fabian started coughing out his coffee, and Remus awkwardly patted him on the back, unsure of what else to do. “I thought you meant you were leaving London, you twat,” He said once he’d stopped choking. “Not that you’re just leaving the flat.”

“Sorry,” Remus laughed. “I definitely could have phrased that better. No, I’ve got a job and now it’s time for me to get my own place and stop mooching off of you and your brother’s kindness.”

“I appreciate that,” Fabian said, taking a sip of his coffee. “Please don’t feel like you have to though, you’re more than welcome to stay as long as you need.”

“I know,” Remus assured him. “I am so thankful for what you and Gid have done for me, I just think I need to really start living here, you know?”

“Of course,” Fabian smiled. “I’m happy for you, mate. You’ll have to have us over to the new place.”

“I will,” Remus said, taking a sip of his tea. “You are still stuck with me, after all. I still don’t know anyone else here.”

“Too true,” Fabian smiled. They finished their breakfast in a mutual silence, the only sounds being the soft scrape of Fabian’s utensils on his plate, Remus’ mug being set back down on the table, and the lighter flicking when Remus lit his cigarette.

Remus knew it was time, but that didn’t mean leaving didn’t hurt a little bit.

***

Remus woke up every day, went to work, and watched that number on his wrist change. A lot could change in an eight hour shift, and he never wanted to miss a second of it. Unfortunately, there were occasionally other things he had to do.

“Would you stop staring at your counter,” Donna said from the front table where she was organizing the new display. “It’s not like she’s going to get any closer than six today, as you and I both know.”

“Do we, Donna? Do we know that,” Remus asked sarcastically. “You never know what could happen.” Remus ignored the obvious gender assumption, Donna was a muggle, and he had no interest in becoming a number in a very depressing statistic.

“She’s been getting closer since you started working here, as you’ve told me, but never less than six. Do we need to go over this again? The new order of cookbooks arrived just before you got here, please make yourself useful and put them away.” She turned away after saying all that and Remus rolled his eyes as he moved to do as she said. She might be annoying and they might get along but she did outrank him.

The heavy boxes definitely weren’t helping his stiffness, the full moon had only been a couple days ago and he always felt aches and pains the days leading up and following the change. He was lucky this time, he’d managed to come out of it with minimal scarring but the pain was still fresh.

“Hello, I was hoping you could help me with something,” Remus could hear a man’s voice in the store, it sounded aristocratic which was out of the ordinary for the area of London he worked in. He ignored it, figuring the man had just lost his way and needed directions to the tube.

“Of course honey,” Donna responded. “What can I help you with?”

“I’m kind of looking for someone,” the man responded. “I think they might be here?”

Remus tuned them out a bit, not really caring and instead trying to focus his energy on the task at hand. It wasn’t until he was lifting down a box that he noticed his counter.

10yd. He’d never seen the little yd for ‘yards’, although he’d heard it was what happened when the distance got too small for miles to make sense.

Ten yards. There were only ten yards between him and his soulmate.

“What’s their name, or what do they look like,” Donna asked. Remus could hear the maternal notes in Donna’s voice, and couldn’t help but smile when he clued back into the conversation.

“I’m honestly not sure… I’m sorry,” the man seemed a bit hesitant, and Remus nearly dropped the books in his hands in shock. There was only one reason someone would be looking for someone they didn’t know anything about.

His soulmate was inside his store. That somehow felt more real than anything else could have, more real than the number on his wrist even. He held his breath, waiting for whatever came next. Donna gasped, and then there was a small chuckle.

“Oh I’m sorry dear, it’s only me and my male coworker in right now. That short of a distance though, wow. She’s probably in the flower shop next door! I hope you find her.”

Remus never thought he’d feel grateful for the homophobia running in his life. He wasn’t ready, wasn’t prepared for the first meeting or anything that would happen after that. Being in the back of the store was the best hiding spot he could have had, and he couldn’t have organized it better if he tried.

He was holding his breath when the door opened, the bell jingled, and the door closed again, and finally let it out when he realized he was safe. He had no way of knowing if his soulmate really believed Remus was next door or if he had felt an inner pull to Remus, the same one Remus was feeling to him. Something in him wanted to sprint out the door, screw his aches and pains, screw Donna’s homophobia, screw his lycanthropy and the feelings his father instilled in him from such a young age.

He’d read everything he could about soulmates so of course he’d come across people talking about that pull that happened when your soulmate was close. Everyone always said it was strongest before you met, something that helped the final part of meeting, just in case the counter wasn’t quite enough. Remus hadn’t really believed it before. He’d had no reason to, really. Whatever was left of his parents’ soulmate bond died when Remus had been bitten, something that haunted Remus’ waking and sleeping moments. Considering everything a soulmate was supposed to be, maybe that wasn’t always how it worked out.

That was something else that made Remus hesitant to close the distance. What’s the point of having a soulmate if they just leave like everyone else?

“Remus?” Donna’s voice broke through his inner monologue. “Are you almost done unpacking?”

“Yeah,” Remus’ voice cracked over the word and he winced. “I’ll be out in a second.”

“Are you okay,” was her concerned response.

“Of course,” He called back, trying to push down every single emotion running through his veins. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

***

The next time Remus went back to the cafe, he went alone. It was just as busy as it had been the last time, despite being three pm on a Wednesday.

He took his time walking up to the counter, deciding to take a look at some of the stuff on the walls and around the room as he went. Close to the front there was a little bookshelf with a sign reading “Library: Please Read and Enjoy But Don’t Take” on it.

There was artwork on the walls, all from varying artists with their names on papers next to them. Some of them were for sale, and Remus wished he had the space or money for some of it.

About halfway down there was a big cork board with stuff pinned to it. Mostly Help Wanted ads, but also some clubs and groups to join and people offering their services. One person was looking for a copy of a book Remus had never heard of, someone else was offering piano lessons, and a third person was advertising a lesbian exclusive hiking group.

“Hey,” Remus said when he got to the counter. “I'm not sure if you remember me, I’m-“

“Remus!” Dorcas looked surprised to see him, but he was more surprised she remembered him.

“Yeah,” He smiled. “It’s nice to see you again.”

“You too,” She agreed. “I thought we’d maybe scared you away.”

“Definitely not,” Remus shook his head. “Just busy.”

“Remus,” Mary exclaimed when she saw him. She’d been in the back, and she came back out with a jug of milk in each hand. “You’re back!”

“I am,” He nodded. “I was hoping to get a tea, if you don’t mind?”

“Of course,” Dorcas smiled. “With milk, yeah?”

“Yes please,” Remus smiled. Their conversation continued but Remus was only half listening, focused instead on the warm feeling in his chest.

He’d had it when he was young with his mom, and then in the Leaky Cauldron on his first night in London, and then for a third time there with two girls he barely knew. It was proof, to him, that he’d found people who he could really care about, and who could really care about him.

Mary handed him his tea and he sat down in one of the comfy chairs to sip it. The whole room was filled with not just metaphorical magic but also real magic, and it was something Remus still wasn’t completely used to. Gid and Fab used it, almost constantly, but he’d never been around anyone else who did. His dad had very rarely used magic, basically turned his back on the whole idea of it after Remus was bitten.

He’d been trying to use it more, but old habits were hard to break, and he was around muggles more than anyone else. He wondered briefly if he should apply for a job in the wizarding world, before reminding himself that he needed the muggle anonymity to avoid anyone finding out he was a werewolf.

There was a blonde girl in the opposite corner from him, probably about his age, entertaining a little boy by making butterflies shoot out of the end of her wand. He kept reaching up to them and giggling, and she would make more and more and more.

Remus sipped his tea and smoked as he watched Dorcas take off her apron and go join the pair, kissing the girl on the cheek. He watched as the little boy turned to her and jumped into her arms. The little boy didn’t look like either of them, not that that necessarily meant anything. His face was covered by big round glasses, and he kept having to push them up his little nose.

Remus tore his gaze away, focusing on the other people instead. There was a gay couple in another corner, sharing a piece of cake. One of the guys was smoking and blowing smoke rings into the air, while the other guy rolled his eyes and laughed.

Remus finished his tea and then walked over to the counter. Dorcas was still gone, and Mary was leaning against the sink facing them.

“Hey Mary,” Remus smiled. “Here’s my mug.”

“Thanks Remus,” She pulled her eyes away from the trio to smile at him, and followed his gaze when she saw him looking too. “That’s Marlene and Harry.”

“Are they…” Remus trailed off, not really sure how to ask.

“The parents,” Mary finished his question for him. “No, they’re not. Trust me, if you saw him with his parents you’d understand. He’s a spitting image of his father. We just all pitch in to help, when we can. His parents both work on Wednesdays, but Marlene doesn’t so she takes care of him.”

“That’s nice,” Remus said, smiling over at them. “To have that community and help.”

“‘It takes a village’,” Mary put air quotes around the phrase. “It’s a cliche for a reason, I suppose. Never really paid attention until it happened to us, if that makes sense?”

“Yeah, it does,” Remus pulled his eyes back to Mary.

“Can I get you anything else,” Mary asked, moving his mug into the sink and then waving her wand to have it start cleaning on its own.

Remus hesitated, debating if he wanted another or if he should just head home. His eyes flicked, by chance, to his counter, and he watched as the number went down. It had been at 6 miles the last time he’d looked, but as Remus stood there he watched it count down from 6 to 5, and then down and down and down.

“No thanks,” Remus said hastily, putting out his cigarette on the ashtray on the counter. “Gotta head to work now, but it was nice to see you again.”

“You too,” Mary smiled, but Remus was already gone. She called out “Don’t be a stranger,” to his back as he ran out the door.

He stood outside for a couple seconds, debating which way he should go. 929yd, 924, 918. He turned left, but the numbers went down faster as he walked, so he turned around and bolted as fast as he could.

He kept running, headed towards the tube station, until he saw his counter go up to 1093yd, and then 1.2mi, and then finally 1.8 when he made it to the station.

***

Six months passed before his counter read under one mile again. He was taking a walk in St. James’s Park, since it was right between full moons and his body felt well enough to spend some time doing something active. It was a surprisingly nice day, something that didn’t happen very often in gray London. He was just getting close to leaving the park and heading towards the Piccadilly Circus tube station when his jumper’s sleeve rode up and he noticed how low the number was.

It was getting lower the closer to the station he walked, but slowly, like his soulmate was also walking. Obviously, he just turned around. There were other stations, why did he have to go to that one? Any of them would get him to work, even if it took him a bit longer.

“Hey Donna,” Remus said over the bell as he walked into the shop. “You alright?”

“Yeah, hey Remus,” Donna didn’t look away from the person she was helping, but Remus didn’t mind. He went into the back to put his jacket away and by the time he went back into the shop the person was gone so it was only him and Donna.

She was chattering about something, but Remus wasn’t really listening. He was too busy thinking about how close he’d gotten, and how cowardly it had been to turn away. Then again, he reminded himself, his soulmate knew where he worked. He hadn’t come back since that first time, either scared away by Donna or the fact that Remus had been essentially hiding, and Remus couldn’t figure out how he felt about that, no emotions really did the swirling in his chest and the pounding in his head justice.

She went on her break, so Remus was the only person in the store for the next hour. A few people came and went, with very few transactions, until a girl with red hair and more freckles than face walked in.

“Hi,” She smiled cheerily at him while the bell rang. “You alright?”

“Yeah, you?” The girl’s smile was certainly infectious, and Remus felt instantly drawn to her. It wasn’t the same as the soulmate bond had been, but he could tell they could be fast friends if they wanted.

“I’m looking for a novel to read, I’m not super picky about what it’s about or anything, just whatever you recommend,” The girl moved further into the shop, resting her hands on the counter across from him. “I read mostly fantasy and historical fiction, if that narrows anything down for you.”

“Well lucky for you I love both of those genres,” Remus smiled. “Here, I’ll show you where the section is in the store. They’re both closer to the back, we don’t get a lot of people looking for books like that.”

“I can see that,” The girl laughed, eyeing the extensive cookbook section.

“Our cooking section is second only to gardening, if you catch my drift,” Remus pointed down to the end of the little hallway where the gardening books sat. “That and the Bibles.”

“Understood,” She nodded, with a look on her face like she was trying not to laugh and failing. “So I take it I’m not the typical patron?”

Remus gave her a once over, one eyebrow raised. “The only way you’d be our typical patron would be if you were an elderly lady asking how to garden for Jesus.”

“Garden for Jesus,” The girl snorted. “What does that even mean?”

“Do I look like I know,” Remus threw up his hands as he laughed. “I haven’t got a clue but if I’m not an expert then that’s apparently a sin, so.”

“Scandalous,” Her green eyes sparkled with laughter, and Remus chuckled too.

“This is the section,” He smiled, gesturing to the two shelves. “Fantasy is here, and this is the historical fiction.”

“Do you have any recommendations? If you have other things to do I totally get it, I don’t want to take too much of your time, but if you have a second?”

“Well I suppose, if you really need me to,” Remus sighed as if it was a massive hardship. “I could give you a couple recommendations.”

Remus pointed out a few different books, pointing to their spines or fully pulling them down to hand to her if they were high up. She was engaged and interested, which made Remus smile to himself a bit. It had been a while since he’d met anyone he truly got along with, or really since he’d had a long conversation with anyone other than Donna and his bedroom mirror, and talking to someone his own age was really nice.

“Well,” The girl said as she picked her book off the counter and turned to leave. “It was really nice to meet you.”

“You too,” Remus smiled. “You’ll have to tell me if you like it, okay? I expect a full report.”

“Of course,” She laughed, one hand on the door. “Have a nice day.”

“You too,” Remus said to her back and the doorbell. “See you next time.”

Remus knew very well there likely wouldn’t be a next time, the chances of the girl finishing the book, liking it, and then coming back to tell a stranger that was slim to none, but it was a nice dream.

He needed those sometimes.

***

“A girl was asking for you yesterday,” Donna smiled with a little knowing look when he walked into work two weeks later. “She was pretty. A redhead, and a bit pudgy, but pretty still I suppose. Nice eyes.”

“Hello to you too,” Remus muttered, ignoring the rudeness of her comment in favour of trying not to be too grouchy. He wasn’t feeling well, considering the full moon was approaching.

“You look sick, dear,” Donna frowned, leaning up to put a hand on his forehead. “Are you poorly?”

“No,” He lied through his teeth. “I just have a headache.”

“Oh dear,” She tutted. “That’s no good.” She paused, as if waiting for him to bounce back and announce how good he was feeling so she could continue talking as if nothing was wrong.

“What?” Remus sighed. He could feel her thinking, like the wheels were turning louder than any words.

“This girl, she didn’t know your name but she said she was in here a few weeks ago and you recommended a book to her,” Donna said, seemingly forgetting her concern for Remus’ well-being as she pressed on.

“Yeah, I know the girl you’re talking about. She came back?” Remus didn’t mean to sound so surprised, but he couldn’t help it. Even though they’d only talked for thirty minutes or so, it was the friendliest interaction Remus had had in a long time. Unless you counted Donna, which Remus decidedly did not.

“She seemed quite taken with you, if I’m not mistaken,” Donna pressed, and Remus did his best to hide his eye roll.

“I think you’re mistaken,” He said, moving to start putting away some books that were left behind the counter.

Donna shook her head. “I rarely am. In fact,” She trailed off. “There she is now.” 

Remus turned to face the door so fast he could have sworn his neck cracked. Sure enough, the girl was walking up the couple of steps and opening the front door. The little bell went off, shaking Remus out of his shock.

“Hello again,” The girl said, letting the door close behind her. “I was hoping you’d be in today.”

“I told you,” Donna hissed as she walked closer. Remus did everything in his power to avoid hitting her, and if he didn’t feel so I’ll he might have, but he had the self restraint.

“I was hoping to get another book recommendation, I loved the last one. I nearly devoured it, to tell you the truth,” The girl tucked her hair behind her ear, and it drew attention to her wrist. Remus saw it at the same time as Donna did, if her sigh was anything to go off of. The girl’s counter showed her soulmate was 3.1 miles away, meaning it wasn’t him.

“Of course,” Remus nodded, stepping towards the back of the store. “If you want to come with me, I can show you some of my other favourites.”

“Lead the way,” She nodded. They walked in silence to the shelves, where she reached out to put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make your life complicated.”

“What?” Remus’ gaze turned to the girl’s hand, which she immediately pulled away.

“Your coworker,” She leaned her head towards the front of the store. “I think she thought I was your soulmate, after I came in and asked for you.”

“Oh, yeah,” Remus shrugged. “That’s not surprising, she’s possibly more excited for me to meet my soulmate than I am at this point.”

“I hope it’s okay I flashed my counter, I figured it was the most subtle way to show her it wasn’t me,” She paused for a second. “My name’s Lily, by the way. Lily Evans Potter.”

“Remus Lupin,” Remus held out his hand for her to shake and she returned it. He turned to the bookcase. “Did you actually want a recommendation? It’s okay if you didn’t, but I figured I’d ask. Since you’re here.”

Remus winced, trying to get himself to shut up. This girl was nice, and friendly, and had just introduced herself. Don’t make it weird , he thought to himself.

“Sure, that would be nice,” Lily smiled. “Truthfully I don’t have a lot of time to read, between my three year old and my husband, who sometimes acts like a three year old, but I did really love the last book.”

As they talked, Remus was struck again by how easy it would be to be friends with Lily. She was so kind, something Remus’ life had lacked.

“Thanks for stopping by,” Remus smiled as he put Lily’s new books in a bag for her. “It was nice to meet you.”

“You too,” She smiled. “I’ll let you know how these ones are.”

“Can’t wait,” Remus hoped he didn’t seem too eager as he watched her leave.

***

Remus had been a bit scared to go back to the cafe, ever since the last time. He’d gotten a bit too close to his soulmate, and he wasn’t eager to have it happen again.

However, he was missing real human interaction with people other than Donna, and he knew Gideon and Fabian liked to spend their Thursday afternoons at the cafe, so he figured it would be a good time to go back.

He watched his counter carefully the closer to the cafe he got, but it stayed around five while he got off the train and turned down the street, and then started going up as he walked to the cafe.

By the time he got to the cafe he was feeling a lot more secure in his decision, and when he opened the door he had a genuine smile on his face. The cafe was just as busy as it had been before, but it was quieter too. More people were sitting with books, and the library shelves looked emptier than they had in the past.

He decided to take a look at the cork board on his way to the counter, and he skimmed all the help wanted and in search of papers to see if anything was new.

One further down caught Remus’ eye, half covered under a missing cat poster. It was the brightest paper on the whole wall, which was saying a lot, and the top of it said “Book Club: All Queers Welcome” in pretty cursive. 

The details listed on the poster said they met on the final Friday of every month, in Holland Park. He wasn’t entirely sure where Holland Park was, but he did know the final Friday of the month was the next day, and he’d do whatever he could to be there.

“Welcome back,” Mary smiled at him from behind the counter. “I was beginning to think we’d scared you away.”

“Not at all,” Remus answered as he walked the rest of the way to her. “Just been busy.”

It was a lie, he’d spent most of his time sitting in his flat, but it wasn’t hurting anyone to not say that.

“Well I’m happy to see you,” She said, grabbing a mug and a tea bag without Remus ordering anything. “And I’m sure the others will be too. They’re over in the corner.”

Remus followed the end of her hand to where she was pointing to a group in the corner, spread out over sofas, armchairs, and the floor, all surrounding a rug under a coffee table.

From where he was standing he recognized Gid and Fab right away. They were facing away from him, both with their heads back and laughing. It struck Remus just how identical they were, as if he could have forgotten somehow.

Facing him was the blonde girl he’d seen the last time he was there, Marlene, and little Harry, sitting in the lap of a man who could have only been his father.

Mary had been right, of course. Seeing Harry in his father’s arms really showed just how alike they were. They had the same black hair, the same tan skin, even the same round glasses.

Dorcas was there too, and she was the first one to notice him. “Remus,” She called over. “Come join us!”

“Remus,” Gid said, clearly surprised as he turned around. “Remus! It’s been too long, mate.”

“I saw you like two weeks ago,” Remus laughed. He sat down on the only available seat, next to Marlene and Dorcas on the sofa.

“Exactly,” Gideon answered. “Too long.”

“I’m not sure if you’ve met everyone,” Mary said from behind them, setting Remus’ tea on the coffee table.

“Thanks,” Remus said appreciatively, taking his first sip.

“I’m Marlene,” Marlene said, reaching out a hand to shake Remus’. “Dorcas’ girlfriend.”

“Nice to meet you,” Remus smiled. He decided not to mention seeing her the last time he was there, worried it would be weird and make the conversation awkward.

“I’m James and this is Harry,” James said, also reaching out to shake his hand.

Remus noticed his finger nails, painted black and red, and clearly bitten down. “I like your nails,” He nodded to them.

“Thanks,” James smiled. “My best friend did them, he’s been really into painting nails recently and wanted to practice on someone.”

“He did mine too,” Mary wiggled her fingers. They were painted white, and Remus could see some light purple flower designs on a couple of them as well.

“That’s so cool,” Remus said, taking another sip of his tea. “I like the flowers.”

Mary and James went on for a bit, talking about their nails and the other colours their friend had done on them.

“He’d paint yours too, if you wanted,” Marlene offered. “He’s obsessed with it, I’d find it cute if I didn’t find him irritating.”

“Shut up Marlene,” James rolled his eyes affectionately. “We both know you’re lying.”

“You have no proof,” Marlene shook her head.

“Actually, I’m pretty sure I do,” James scoffed. “I’ve definitely got a photo of the two of you singing a duet in the common room in year seven.”

“Well, that’s irrelevant,” Marlene said, holding back a laugh.

Remus watched them, clearly so in tune with each other that they just knew what they were all thinking. It was clear to him, and probably everyone else, that these people were clearly a family. The exact thing that Remus wanted, longed for, craved, like he craved chocolate and cigarettes, and it was sitting right there in front of him, as clear as day.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Gideon leaned over to whisper in his ear.

“Me too,” Remus smiled.

“So, Remus,” Dorcas leaned around Marlene - where she was still bickering with James - to talk to him. “What are your plans for the next few days?”

“Working,” Remus shrugged.

“Where do you work,” Mary asked. “I realized I never actually asked that before.”

“I work at a bookshop on Oxford Street,” Remus answered. “It’s just a small one, a muggle shop.”

“Oh,” Mary sounded surprised. “Why not work somewhere in the wizarding world?”

“I didn’t exactly grow up with a lot of magic, so I figured a muggle job would be better for me. Easier, I guess.” It was only half a lie, but he couldn’t exactly tell them the whole truth. They were nice, and Remus would even consider them friends, but that didn’t mean they’d accept his furry little problem.

“I guess that makes sense,” Mary said with a shrug. “Play to your strengths.”

“Exactly,” Remus agreed.

“What else do you do,” Dorcas asked. “What do you spend the rest of your time doing?”

“I read, mostly. Mostly muggle books, because I work at a muggle bookshop, but I have gone to Flourish & Blotts a few times. Just finished reading Advanced Rune Translation the other day.” He went on a bit, getting a bit lost in the information he’d learned.

“You’d get along great with my wife,” James chuckled when Remus paused to take a breath.

“Merlin, no kidding,” Fab grinned. “You’re just like her, really. She was telling me all about a herbology book she was reading the last time I saw her, and it was a muggle romance book the time before that.”

“At least she knows how to read,” Marlene shot at him. “Jury’s still out on you.”

The group burst into noise, a mix of laughter and indignant sentences, and Remus couldn’t help but laugh along.

“If you like reading you should go to the queer book club,” Mary said to Remus through the noise around them. She had one hand with her wand entertaining Harry with little sparks and ribbons as she spoke. “It meets tomorrow, in Holland Park.”

“I saw the poster for that,” Remus said, reaching out a hand when it looked like Harry might make a run for it. Instead, the little boy decided that was an invitation to sit with him, and plopped himself down in Remus’ lap.

“Hi bud,” Remus smiled down at him.

“Hi,” Harry said, looking up at him with big green eyes. His glasses were a little smudged, and Mary reached over and cast a spell to clean them. “‘m Harry.”

“I’m Remus,” Remus said, leaning over Harry to put his mug on the coffee table. “I’m a friend of Gideon and Fabian’s.”

“And mine,” Mary said, setting a hand on his shoulder.

“Ours too,” Dorcas said, joining the conversation.

Remus looked away from Harry to smile at them. He wondered if they could see the emotion in his eyes, the thankfulness and appreciation, that he felt like was pouring out of him before he could stop it.

“That’s nice,” Harry said, turning away to face his dad. Remus smiled softly, and then turned back to Mary.

“I saw the poster for that,” Remus restarted the conversation. “I was actually going to ask about it, I don’t know where Holland Park is.”

“Oh, it’s super easy to get to,” Mary smiled. She gave Remus the instructions of how to get to the park from the nearest tube station, and even wrote them down on an old receipt for Remus to take with him.

“Just in case,” She smiled as she handed it to him. “Just look for me, I’ll be there.”

“Thanks Mary,” Remus smiled, folding up the paper and putting it in his wallet.

“No worries,” Mary said. She looked behind Remus, and Remus followed her gaze to a couple people walking in. “I should go help them. Be right back.”

“Bye,” Remus said to her retreating form, and then turned back to the rest of the group. Harry was still sitting in his lap, listening intently to Dorcas as she read from The Tales of Beedle the Bard. Marlene, Gideon, and James were deep in a conversation about quidditch, a sport Remus had heard of but didn’t fully understand.

Remus looked down at his watch, and did a double take when he saw the time.

“Sorry guys, I’ve gotta go,” Remus said, carefully setting Harry on the floor, and then standing himself. “I’ve got a shift pretty soon.”

“Always running off for work,” Dorcas teased, and Remus chuckled awkwardly. He felt bad that he’d lied the last time, but he couldn’t exactly say anything now. ‘My soulmate, who I’ve been avoiding, was super close so I had to leave’ sounded stupid, especially because he had no reason to give for why he was avoiding him. Hiding such a big secret from these people, ones who he could call a friend and who called him one too, was a lot harder than he’d been expecting.

“Gotta pay the bills somehow,” He smiled, putting his jacket back on. “Bye everyone.”

They all chorused their goodbyes as he left, and when he got outside he put his hood up as he made his way to the train station. It was raining, almost like the sky was crying for him. He wished he could join it, but instead he just kept walking.

***

It was nice when Remus woke up the next day, which was a relief. He’d been dreading sitting outside in the rain, regardless of who he would be spending the time with. He rolled out of bed, catching himself before he fell on the floor, and then got dressed for the day.

It was sunny but cold, so he put on a jumper over his t-shirt and laced his boots up all the way in an effort to protect from the wind he could see blowing the trees outside his bedroom window. He got dressed quickly, and then drank his tea with his almost-broken record player playing David Bowie in the corner. It was peaceful, just like he liked it.

He stayed calm and quiet even as he moved through the noisy streets, onto and off the tube, and then walked to Holland Park. He was grateful for the written out instructions, unsure if he would have remembered the directions without them. Once he reached the park, he kept his eyes up, searching for Mary’s familiar curls. He’d forgotten, however, that she had a knack for finding him first.

“Remus!”

He craned his neck, trying to find where her voice was coming from.

“Remus!”

Finally he spotted them, sitting under a giant tree. Mary was standing, waving her arms around on her tip-toes. Around her were two girls and two guys, all sitting in a circle. He made his way over, crossing around people to reach them. They clearly weren’t the only people making the most of a sunny London day.

As he got closer, he recognized Peter and Frank, but not the other two girls. One of them was facing away from him, with long red hair pulled back from her face with a claw clip. The other girl was facing him, and he could see her round face and short brown hair. Her smile was wide as she was looking up at Frank, and he was leaning down to say something in her ear.

“Hey Mary,” Remus smiled as he got to them. “It’s nice to-“

“Remus?” One of the girls interrupted him, where she was sitting on the grass next to his feet. He recognized her hair first, and then her voice, and then the tote bag sitting next to her on the grass.

“Lily?” He asked incredulously. “What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” She laughed. “You’re a wizard?”

“Wait, you two know each other already? How?” Mary laughed.

“She came into the bookstore I work at and I recommended a couple books,” Remus said as he sat down. Mary followed suit, pulling her knees up to rest her arms on them. He crossed his legs, idly playing with one of his laces.

“Lily is Harry’s mom,” Mary added. Remus looked over at Lily, noticing her bright green eyes for the first time.

“I can see it,” He smiled. “He has your eyes.”

“I know,” Lily chuckled. “At least he got one thing from me, everything else is so James.”

“I could tell,” Remus laughed. “I understand what you meant before, about how your husband was like a three year old.”

The rest of the group erupted into laughter at that, making Remus and Lily laugh harder.

“I can’t believe you said that,” Mary wheezed.

“I’m telling James,” Peter managed to get out through his laughter.

“Are either of you going to look at me and tell me I’m wrong?” Lily asked. “You’ve all met him, you know.”

“Oh we know,” The other girl said, and then turned to Remus. “I’m Alice, by the way. Frank told me about you, it’s nice to finally meet you.”

“Only good things I hope?” Remus smiled back at her. “Frank mentioned you as well, it’s nice to meet you officially.”

“All good things,” Alice assured him.

“Shall we get to it?” Mary asked, pulling a small paperback book out of her bag. It had a fairly plain cover, just a backlit silhouette of two guys looking out over a cliff. The top of the front page had the title in big block letters, and then the author’s name was under it but smaller.

As his friends started to discuss their book, Remus just enjoyed being in their presence. It was true, after all, that having friends really was a healing experience. Remus had no idea how he’d managed to get through so much of his life without any kind of support system, but he was glad he was finally somewhere where he’d found one.

Despite not having read the book himself, he found their discussion of it quite fascinating. It was interesting to him, hearing what each of them had found interesting in the book. He’d never discussed the books he’d read before, preferring to read in private, but the idea of being able to tell his thoughts to someone other than his bathroom mirror did excite him.

The sky slowly grew darker, the warm summer day giving way to a cold summer night. It wasn’t until the streetlights flickered on that they all realized what time it was.

“Merlin, it’s getting late,” Lily said, looking down at the small gold watch that was sitting next to the 3.1 on her wrist. “I can’t leave Dumb and Dumber to do the bedtime routine again, the last time I did that Harry was sneezing bubbles for days and my bathroom was flooding water down the stairs.”

Lily said her goodbyes, looked around for muggles, and then disappeared with a loud crack. Once she was gone, everyone else started standing up too. 

“We’d best get home, relieve your mum from watching our boy, eh?” Frank stood up, and then pulled Alice up too. When she got to her feet she kept her momentum going, leaning forward to kiss Frank. 

Remus looked away, feeling bad for intruding on their private moment. He felt a rush of envy, for what they had. He wanted that, deep down, even if he’d been having such a hard time getting there. He wanted that easy familiarity that you only get with a soulmate, something you couldn’t really get anywhere else. 

Frank and Alice said their goodbyes, and then Peter, until it was just Remus and Mary left. 

“I’m glad you came,” Mary smiled up at him. 

“I am too,” Remus reached up to rub the back of his neck. “Thank you for inviting me.” 

“Anytime,” Mary said, eyes focusing on something on Remus’ arm, before moving back to his face. “Actually, speaking of. We’re having a little watch party tomorrow night at James and Lily’s. Would you like to come?”

“Watch party?” Remus moved his hand down, subtly trying to figure out what Mary was looking at. It was his counter arm, his soulmate was 3.1mi away, but that wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. 

“Lily has a muggle TV, we’re going to watch The Breakfast Club,” Mary smiled. “It’s new, have you seen it?”

“I don’t have a TV,” Remus shook his head. “I’d love to come though, it sounds like fun.”

“Great!” Mary pulled a notebook out of her backpack and wrote down the directions to Lily’s house and the address, and then ripped the page out and handed it to him. “It’s on a wizarding street, so don’t ask any muggles for directions. It should be fairly easy to find though!”

“Thanks,” He folded up the paper and put it in his back pocket. “See you tomorrow.”

Mary smiled, waved goodbye, and then also disappeared. Remus waited, staring at the spot all his friends had just disappeared from, and then turned around and walked to the tube. 

He couldn’t decide if it was weird that his soulmate was the same distance away from him as Lily had been to James. He kept thinking about it as he went home, trying to figure out what the chances were that somehow, in the entirety of London, Remus had managed to befriend people who knew his soulmate.

***

It wasn’t until he got off the tube by Lily and James’ house that he really looked at his counter. He’d been mostly ignoring it the whole train ride, because he’d come to realize over the last twenty-odd years that the worst thing he could possibly do was look at his counter when he was going somewhere fast. 

Somehow, the 2.5 mile gap he’d had between him and his soulmate had shrunk down to only three hundred and fifty-four yards. 

Remus pulled the instructions Mary had written for him out of his pocket, reading the first couple before starting off in the right direction. He kept looking at it as he went, watching with curiosity as the number kept going down. It went to three hundred and thirty-one, and then two hundred and sixty-one, and then one hundred and nine. 

He kept walking, turning left and right and going straight on and on until he reached their street. Remus looked down at his counter. Only sixty-five yards stood between him and his soulmate. 

He could see their house, he knew it was theirs because Mary had written down on the paper that there would be a motorcycle outside, and one of the bushes was stained purple from a spell that went wrong that Lily refused to fix. 

Remus kept walking, practically pushing himself to their front door. When he reached the top step, his counter read six and a half yards. Then, without Remus moving an inch, the number went down, and down, and down. 

His soulmate was one yard away.

His soulmate was standing on the other side of the door.

His soulmate was standing on the other side of the door, in Lily and James’ house.

His soulmate was standing on the other side of the door, in Lily and James’ house, and Remus was ringing the doorbell.

“Can someone please get that,” Remus heard Lily yell as the door unlocked and then the knob turned and it was open and the most beautiful man Remus had ever seen was standing there looking at him.

His hair fell down his neck, just barely stopping over the collar of his flannel. The front part was pulled back, showing off his high aristocratic cheekbones and bright grey eyes. He looked as shocked as Remus felt, but the longer they stood there Remus could see a smile starting to appear on his face.

“Hi,” He said, playing with the fraying sleeves of his jumper. Remus wished he’d thought to put something else on, something that didn't make him look like a mixture between a librarian and a poor Welsh farmer, but the way the other man was looking at him made that thought go away. 

If Remus was looking at his soulmate like he was every star in the sky, beautiful and bright, his soulmate was looking at him like he hung the moon.

“You found me,” His soulmate said, reaching out a hand towards him but stopping halfway, waiting to see what Remus would do. He could see his counter, could see the little 4.7in written on his wrist, right in front of him.

They were down to inches.

“I’m sorry it took so long,” Remus said, so quiet it was almost a whisper. He reached forward the rest of the way, taking his hand and intertwining their fingers so their counters were right next to each other.

It was surreal, seeing a zero on his wrist that used to read one hundred and eighty-two.

“Sirius, did you get the-.” Lily came around the corner and then abruptly stopped. She looked at his soulmate - Sirius - and then Remus, and then their hands, and then their wrists. “Door.”

“I got the door,” Sirius laughed, a bit wetly. He had tears forming in the corners of his eyes, and Remus realized his own were glassy too. He reached out the hand not held in his Sirius’ to wipe away the water before they touched his cheeks, and Sirius looked down a bit as he did. “Are those my tears?”

“Yeah,” Remus laughed a little, sliding the pad of his thumb under Sirius’ eye, making sure it stayed dry. Sirius closed his eyes, and Remus watched his long lashes fan over his cheeks. He could feel the tears falling down his own cheeks a little and moved the hand to his own face, but Sirius beat him to it.

He opened his eyes when he noticed Remus’ hand leaving his face, and reached up both hands to cradle Remus’. Sirius wasn’t short, but he was definitely shorter than Remus, and Remus watched him have to tilt his head up to look into his eyes. He swiped the pads of his thumbs under Remus’ eyes, causing Remus to close them.

Sirius leaned forward, and Remus leaned forward to match him until their foreheads were touching. He rested his hands on Sirius’ hips, over his shirt but under the flannel.

Sirius started laughing, seemingly out of nowhere, and Remus opened his eyes to look at him as he did, a slightly questioning laugh bubbling out of his mouth. Sirius’ laugh was so contagious, his happiness was thrilling, and Remus knew right then that he’d do anything he could to make him laugh forever.

“What?” Remus asked through his chuckles. “What is it?”

“I don’t know your name,” Sirius laughed louder, and then Remus joined in. His hands curled around the back of Remus’ neck more, almost by accident, resting in the curls of hair at the back of Remus’ neck. “I’m Sirius.”

Before Remus could respond, there was the sound of loud small footsteps and then Harry’s, “Wemus!”

Remus turned towards Harry, only registering his black hair before the little boy collided with his legs, pushing him away from Sirius a bit and causing him to drop his hands from Sirius’ waist.

“I’m so sorry, I tried to stop him,” An out of breath James caught up to his son and pulled him up into his arms. “Harry, I told you to wait for me before coming to see Remus. Please apologize.”

“Sowwy Wemus,” Harry said, eyes downcast. “Sowwy Uncle Siwius.”

“It’s okay, bud,” Sirius laughed, reaching out to tousle his hair. Remus found his hand going back to Sirius’ waist without him realizing, resting his hand back where it had been before the interruption. Sirius turned to smile at him, his hand reaching up to Remus’ face again.

“What’s all the commotion,” Marlene rounded the corner, Dorcas following close behind. Dorcas’ eyes almost instantly zoned in on the little zero on Sirius’ wrist, causing her to gasp and pull on Marlene’s hand. “What?”

“Look,” Dorcas breathed, nodding towards the number.

“We’re just gonna,” Marlene paused awkwardly. “Go, I guess. C’mon babe, let’s get some crisps.”

“I want cwisps,” Harry exclaimed, running after the two women.

“Sorry again,” James said, following quickly behind his son.

“If you two wanted to just, I don’t know, sit outside? It’s a really nice night and probably a lot quieter than it is in here,” Lily said, gesturing to the still open door. Remus smiled sheepishly, embarrassed that he’d managed to leave the door to his friends’ house open that whole time.

“Thanks Lils,” Sirius smiled, and the two watched as she walked away before turning back to each other.

“So,” Sirius said, nodding to the door. “Shall we?” Remus nodded and then led the way out, sitting on James and Lily’s porch swing.

They sat in silence for a few seconds, listening to the sound of the breeze moving through the trees and the birds settling down for the night.

“So, Remus,” Sirius said, trying out the name on his tongue.

“Remus Lupin,” Remus confirmed. “And you’re Sirius.”

“Sirius Black,” Sirius said, and then hesitated, like he was waiting for Remus to say something rude. Remus just smiled and reached for his hand.

“It suits you,” He said, running his fingers over the lines on Sirius’ hand. “The brightest star in the sky.”

“That’s right,” Sirius’ voice just barely showed the shock Remus could see in his eyes. His eyes changed suddenly, his face changing into a look that Remus couldn’t quite place, but he stayed silent.

“What?” Remus asked, running his hand through Sirius’ hair. “What is it?”

“Nothing,” Sirius answered, shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

Remus tried to ignore it, tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his chest, for the rest of the night. It stayed there, in the back of his mind, despite all his efforts to forget. Even as they held hands, as they smiled and laughed and shared tiny glances as the sun went down, Remus had that tiny feeling of dread sitting in the back of his mind.

Dread that Sirius was realizing he didn’t want to be with Remus after all. Dread that he’d have to tell Sirius he was a werewolf, something he’d never said out loud to anyone before. Dread that he’d have to face Sirius telling him that it was too much for him, that he couldn’t get past it, that they couldn’t be together.

Remus had gotten so close to the fire, and he knew he was going to get burned, but he’d do anything he could to hold Sirius in his arms, regardless of the length of time. Even if Sirius decided tomorrow that Remus was too much, he’d stay. Even if their time was numbered, he wouldn’t step away.

His whole body, every fibre of his being, burned for Sirius. It didn’t matter, then, what Sirius did next. If he asked him to go, he would, but he’d spend the rest of his life unable to get over Sirius Black.

They sat together as the sky continued to darken, as the moon appeared and then the sun disappeared. It was a half moon that night, and Remus let the light of it wash over his skin in a way he couldn’t do during the full moon. He could feel Sirius’ eyes on him, but he stayed silent. Maybe, if Remus didn’t speak, didn’t move, didn’t breathe, Sirius would stay. Remus heard Sirius move, and then felt his leg press against Remus’.

“You’re so pretty in the moonlight,” He whispered, lips so close to Remus’ ear he could feel his breath. “Ethereal, almost. Like a painting.”

“You flatter me,” Remus turned his face to Sirius’, so close he could feel his lips nearly brush Sirius’, and opened his eyes as Sirius’ fluttered close.

“You just don’t see yourself the way I see you,” Sirius answered, almost before Remus had finished speaking, as if he’d already known what Remus was going to say.

“I guess I don’t,” Remus conceded. He didn’t have the heart to tell Sirius that everything he thought about Remus was probably wrong. He wanted one night, just one, of peace.

He’d tell him tomorrow.

***

Remus woke up happy, which was new. He had a feeling it had something to do with the man next to him, with his black hair spilling over his pillow onto Remus’, but he couldn’t say for sure. The zero on his wrist was just one more reminder that he’d done it, the hard part was over, they’d met.

And then everything about the night before came crashing down around Remus.

There were so many things Sirius still didn’t know, things he had to know, things Remus had to tell him.

Sirius was still asleep, lying on his side facing Remus. He had one arm thrown over Remus’ torso and the other curled under his own head like a pillow. He looked so peaceful when he slept, Remus couldn’t help but lie there and admire him for a bit.

He allowed himself that, knowing that he’d have to break his own heart later, knowing he’d be watching Sirius’ back as he left. He let himself dream, for just a moment longer, about the life they could have together.

Remus wasn’t really sure how long he laid there, but it was long enough for the sun to peek through the blinds, morning sunrise spilling onto Sirius’ still sleeping form. As the sun turned from calm ambers to the bright light of the morning, Sirius began to wake.

It started small, with his legs moving a bit, one of his sock clad feet rubbing against Remus’ bare leg. Then his arm shifted as he ran his hand across Remus’ stomach and up to his chest. His lips curled into a smile slowly, and then his eyes flickered open, until his gaze met Remus’.

“Morning,” He said, voice deep from sleep. He lifted his head, leaning onto his hand and propping himself on that arm. “How long have you been awake?”

“Not long,” Remus lied, holding onto this image of Sirius, burning it into his brain so he would be able to see it even after he was gone. “Do you want some breakfast?”

“No thanks,” Sirius shook his head. “Coffee would be nice.”

“I think I have some in a cupboard somewhere,” Remus said, shifting away from Sirius and turning to stand. He sat on the edge of the bed and stretched his arms up, trying to prolong this quiet moment for as long as he could.

“I’ll come with you,” Sirius said. Remus could feel the bed dipping behind him as Sirius moved towards him, and he stood up to give him some room. He looked at where Remus had been sitting, and then up at him. His eyes had a question in them, one Sirius didn’t want to ask and Remus didn’t want to answer. “If that’s okay?”

“Of course,” Remus assured him, reaching out a hand and pulling Sirius to his feet. Sirius leaned in a bit, hesitant, and Remus pulled away. Slowly, so it didn’t look intentional, but enough that he didn’t feel tempted. He couldn’t kiss Sirius, not yet. Not until he knew the truth. He squeezed his hand instead, intertwining their fingers and pulling his arm slightly. “Come on.”

Sirius followed him into the kitchen, and if he noticed Remus’ intent in pulling away he didn’t say anything. 

“Thank you for letting me come over,” He said when they crossed into the kitchen and Remus dug around in the cupboards for the coffee he was sure he’d bought the last time Gideon had been there.

“Of course,” Remus said, having no luck and moving to a different cupboard to continue the search. “I figured it would be quieter here, less chaotic. So we can talk.” He found the coffee, could just barely feel the bag on the tips of his fingers, and pulled it out as carefully as he could.

“Yeah,” Sirius said, reaching out to take the coffee and then setting it on the counter. “That’s probably a good idea.”

They were silent for a bit, as Remus did his best to work up the courage to tell Sirius everything. He pulled out two mugs, set the kettle on the stove, and then turned it on. He pulled two mugs out down and hoped Sirius wouldn’t care that nothing in his kitchen matched.

It was a stupid thing, he understood, to be thinking about while being about to tell his soulmate he was a werewolf, but he couldn’t help it. He’d seen Lily and James’ house, with the best of both wizarding and muggle technology. He’d seen Sirius’ room, with its brand new record player and his fancy clothes and his brand new motorcycle outside. It was clear to Remus that Sirius was used to a certain standard, and Remus was nowhere near that.

“I can hear you thinking, Re,” Sirius murmured, taking Remus’ hands in his own. Remus hadn’t realized it, but he was shaking. His hands stilled in Sirius’, which he clearly took as a good sign, squeezing Remus’ fingers. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”

“I have to tell you something,” Remus said, louder than he’d meant to. Sirius didn’t move though, he just waited for him to speak, with Remus’ hands still clasped in his own. 

Sirius didn’t say anything out loud, but his eyes spoke for him. Just like the day before, Sirius was looking at him like he’d hung the moon. Remus wished he could tell him it was true, but instead he had to tell him that every full moon all he wanted to do was tear it down.

“I’m not,” Remus paused, looking up at the ceiling as he felt the tears coming into his eyes. “I’m not who you think I am.”

Sirius didn’t say anything, but he moved slightly, pulling one of his hands away and putting it on Remus’ face, pulling it back down so their eyes locked. He wiped the tears from Remus’ cheeks, and then he did something he hadn’t done the day before.

He traced every scar on Remus’ face. His touch was feather light, almost nonexistent, but Remus felt it everywhere. He felt that touch on his face, in his brain, running through his bloodstream. Sirius’ eyes stayed on Remus’, like he’d memorized every scar already. Remus didn’t move, didn’t think, barely breathed, as Sirius’ fingers trailed down his neck, and then over his shoulders, and then traced down the scars on his arms.

“I know who you are,” Sirius whispered. “I love all of you, every eyelash, every smile, every hair.” Every scar , laid unsaid between them.

Remus inhaled sharply as Sirius took his hands again. He was smiling, just barely, and Remus felt like he was floating. Somehow, some way, Sirius already knew.

“I’m a werewolf,” He said anyway. Sirius nodded, and his smile was still there.

“When did you figure it out,” Remus asked, almost scared of the answer. He felt weightless, like everything that had been holding him down was lifting off of him until just his relief remained. Sirius was smiling. 

“In second year. The second full moon of the term,” Sirius squeezed his hands, and Remus felt himself moving back down to earth, but slowly, and he suddenly really needed to sit down. Sirius seemed to sense that, and he pulled Remus to the couch, their drinks forgotten. The kettle started to whistle, and Sirius stopped it with a wave of his wand.

“Before I even started at Hogwarts, I’d already noticed that once every month you would go somewhere away from where you normally were. You were normally one hundred and eighty-two miles away, but one evening a month you were one hundred and eighty-seven. It was always at night, and then you’d go back to normal the next morning. I used to stare up at the sky from my bedroom window, wondering if you were looking at the same full moon that I was looking at. 

“And then at Hogwarts, I would still sit at the window at night, watching your number change. It never changed a lot back then, but it still felt like a big deal, since it only happened once a month. It was cloudy that night, and cold. I got up to pull my blanket off my bed, and when I got back to the window the full moon was breaking through the clouds. I don’t know why, but it was like it all hit me then,” Sirius paused for a second, looking off to the side, like he was trying to find the words.

“I don’t know if I really believed it, or if I was just young and obsessed with knowing something, anything, about you. I’d assumed you were a muggle, since you weren’t at Hogwarts, but the idea that you might be a werewolf,” He trailed off, moving his eyes back to Remus’ face. 

“It made you more real, somehow, thinking I knew something about you. A lot of people around me met their soulmates early, like Lily and James. In that world, I needed something to hold onto, something that not only made you real, but that tied you to the night sky I kept looking at.

“We had to take astronomy, and everyone else in my year absolutely hated it, but we learned about the moon. Even after the assignments were finished, I kept charting it, learned the patterns and when it would be full, or half, or waxing, or waning. I used to think it was a coincidence, but once I had that chart I realized that every single night that I was staring from my counter to the night sky, it was always a full moon.”

Sirius paused for a second to search Remus’ face. Remus wasn’t sure what he was looking for, but after a few seconds he kept talking.

“When you moved to London I realized how right my theory was. I was sitting at my bedroom window, watching the sun set, and then I couldn’t find the moon. It was dark, and the stars were there, but I couldn’t see it. Your number changed a lot though. You’d never moved that much, possibly ever, but you moved faster and for longer than I’d seen before,” Sirius smiled softly.

“I had my chart, I knew it was a full moon, but it didn’t matter. I needed to see it. I ran to every window, and when I still hadn’t seen it I ran out into the middle of the street, turned around, and there it was. It was so bright, possibly the brightest one I’d ever seen. I sat out there all night, staring between my counter and the full moon, wondering what you were doing, hoping you were okay.”

There were tears in Sirius’ eyes when he finished talking, ones Remus was sure were mirrored in his own. 

“I’ve spent every single full moon for the last nineteen years staring between my wrist and the sky.” Sirius said it so plainly, like it was the easiest thing he’d ever said.

Remus wasn’t really sure who moved first, but Sirius’ hands were on his sides and Remus’ were in Sirius’ hair and then their entire bodies were colliding. Every single fibre of his being was yelling ‘Sirius’ at the top of its lungs, and no touch, no kiss, nothing would ever be enough. There was a fire under Sirius’ fingers, something Remus wasn’t even sure he knew how to put into words. It made him feel warm, as he traced his fingers everywhere, on Remus’ cheeks, his neck, his arms, his hips. Over every scar, every bump, every imperfection. 

When they finally pulled away, Remus’ cheeks felt warm, and there was a smile on his face that he was sure rivalled the one on Sirius’. 

“I always wanted to find myself in the sky, and I never could,” Remus said quietly as he rested his forehead against Sirius’. “It worked out though, didn’t it? I could find you, and you could find me.”

“Even the heavens wanted us together,” Sirius leaned back a little, searching for Remus’ eyes. When their gazes met, he kept talking. “I guess it was written in the stars.”