Chapter Text
“Ah, the night started off so well,” Shion sighed in frustration.
A heavy downpour blocks out everything around. Just white noise. Can't see a thing. Drops pound the roof of an emergency exit of some restaurant. Shion and Ryoga hide from the rain under this roof. They were returning to GokuLuck's temporary shelter after a night sneak out when the light rain turned into a relentless downpour. Now they stand, half-wet, close together under the small roof, waiting for the weather to calm down.
Cold drop rolled down Shion's hair onto his back. He shudders and then pulls the fur part of Ryoga's jacket closer to his neck.He is definitely the one who is soaking wet. Not that it's a big problem. Even if Kaida caught a little cold, he would just take a sleeping pill later and forget about it until the morning. But Ryoga still insisted. Without asking, he threw his jacket on Shion's shoulders and muttered under his breath, "Don't get cold".
Thunder rumbles over their heads. The albino rises his head, hoping to see at least a glimpse of the night sky. However, everything is covered with dark clouds.
The measured patter of rain on puddles, a slight chill on the skin and the warmth of other cloth. The time passed 4 am, the body starts to creak a little from fatigue. Even though neither of them had drunk today, Shion's head feels like it is stuffed with cotton wool. Everything around is so inviting to sinful drowsiness. But they are stuck here.
Shion should have listened to the meteorologists and stayed in bed. But staying long awake at night has always been an integral part of his life. Especially when he has a company with whom he can let go of worries and share the fun of the night. Despite all the warnings from the smart guys on TV, Shion couldn't pass up the opportunity to have some fun. Especially when his company himself suggested this night sneak out.
Shion makes a tiny step back to avoid the raindrops falling from the roof to his head, and presses his back against his teammate's chest.
Ryoga clicks his tongue in tiredness.
Yeah, he’s right. If they stand here too long, it won't end well. Firstly, one of them will definitely freeze to the bone and tomorrow, practically today, will not get out of bed. Secondly, their absence will be noticed by Inukai, who usually, to the misfortune of his cohabitants, gets up really early. If Inukai finds out his charges' run away after lights out, expect a three-hour lecture, increased community service, and even stricter supervision of their actions.The very thought of it made both of them grind their teeth.
Shibaken will not cover for his comrades. Out of harmfulness. Even if he gets hit too. He will be blaming these two for his increased punishment every five minutes. Impudent brat.
Shion's sudden sneeze interrupts his negative train of thought. Apparently, he is the one who will end up freezing off all his private and not only areas.
Ryoga tilts his head slightly.
“Still cold?”
“Hair tickles my nose,” Shion whispers playfully.
A lie. But Shion doesn't want to put more problems on Ryoga than they both already have. He can handle his own snot.
“Have something to tie it?”
“Hm-m. Lemme check.”
Shion puts his hands in the front pockets of his jeans, then in the back ones. He finds the hair tie that.. Visty gave him? Or it was Akanyatsura kids. Hokusai mentioned a few times that white hair would look beautiful braided. Or some kind of hairstyle. Shion didn't bother to prove it.
He raises his hand and puts it behind his back.
“That's all”
Shion feels a shiver run down his spine again. This time, it is from the contact of Ryoga's warm hand, which is gathering white wet hair into a high ponytail, with Shion's cold neck. No wonder Ryoga isn't cold in just a tank top: he is hot in any sense.
Surprisingly, this phrase sounded decent in Kaida’s head.
He tilts his head slightly down and watches the circles spreading across the puddle, one after another.
Damn it. It would be a shame if after 9 pm his only option is to stare at the ceiling for the next couple of months. Tch, Shion liked the carefree night time. And then at once he can lose such pleasure. Not a death sentence, of course, but it would be a shame. Given this set of circumstances, he would have to appease the leader so that Inukai would drop his guard again.
Ryoga lowers his hands, and Shion shakes his head, testing the strength of his hairstyle. The high ponytail remains firmly on his head. For someone who had probably never dealt with long hair in his life, Ryoga got it right on the first try.
“Not bad. I am impressed,” Shion whistles.
“Nothing hard,” Ryoga mutters in response. He'll never admit it, but Shion knows how much Ryoga values praise from others. Shion can hear it from the slight change in his voice tone. “ I saw you and Shibaken doing it.”
“That so? How honest.”
Kaida's quiet laughter drowns out another clap of thunder.
Despite the angry nature in the morning, this escape was entertaining. Although they didn't do anything special. The first half of the night two members of GokuLuck were hanging out on the roof top of a local club, and the second half they were loitering in the streets. Shion gets lost in his thoughts as he listens to the sound of raindrops hitting the metal roof.
For several nights now he has not got a partner for intimate hours. He simply doesn't set a goal to find one. Lately, he's been more drawn to the idea of being alone with his thoughts than wasting time on one-time relationships. The silence of the night helped him to concentrate, to think about the essentials: about the future, the present, about the acquaintances he had made, about GokuLuck, about...
Never mind.
If Shion wanted to chit chat about something and nothing, surprisingly, Ryoga didn't mind becoming his interlocutor, or listener. He's not going to talk with Inukai, a disgustingly positive and morally correct adult, how BAE irritates him or how boring TCW and 1nm8 are. So losing these casual walk-and-talks with Ryoga would also be unpleasant. Shion liked them too. Even more than talking to Hokusai.
Hokusai is always kind and patient, in a sense, with Shion. But one fact remains constant no matter what: they do not belong to the same world. Yes, chatting from time to time, occasionally going for walks and petting cats are a good way to spend time. Although not too long. Hokusai was too pure, too kind, too good - too perfect. He is a lucky devil who caught the lucky star by meeting the elder Suiseki. This aroused…
Envy. Well hidden, but rotten and furious. This cat-guy and, in fact, almost any participant of the Paradox Live, lives in a fairy-tale bright world where people have the right to happiness. Shion lives in a world where the meagre joy of life has to be gnawed out of other people's hands, where true love is an unrealizable childhood dream…
The prerogative of listening to Inukai's lectures 24/7 is more pleasant than feeling bitter inferiority next to such peace-loving babes.
Therefore, GokuLuck's communication with anyone is very limited. Well, lately, Shibaken has been spending more hours chatting with his peers, unlike Shion or Ryoga. These two spend their time either alone or together. And Shion, deep inside, gritting his teeth and heart, is glad that the second was happening more and more often.
It's hard to admit that some of the best nights he'd ever had were the ones he'd spent with Ryoga, no matter how poetic and ambiguous it sounds. It's not that they were incredibly memorable. Rather, on the contrary, they were similar to each other, often following the same scenario. However, Shion isn't looking for crazy adventures on his butt. During his life he had already collected a bunch of different types of ratings stories. Shion wanted comfort and peace. And he feels comfortable with Ryoga.
Ryoga was easy-going and undemanding. A noisy club or a quiet rooftop smoking cigarettes - he didn't mind either of these activities. Shion even took him a couple of times to visit the cats that Hokusai was feeding. It was quite a show to see how the large man, almost two metres tall, who used his fists instead of words, was awkwardly playing with curious cats.
"For someone with anger issues, you're pretty calm," Shion noted as he watched the ginger kitten playfully attack Ryoga's palm.
“I have no reason to be angry when I'm with you.”
It’s good that Tosa was busy with the little animals at the time and didn’t see how the albino’s face stretched out in surprise after his words. Probably, he should have said something at that moment. But neither of them is used to expressing feelings in words. It seems stupid and reckless.
Perhaps, Ryoga didn’t need an answer at that moment. Tosa doesn't have as high IQ as Mikoshiba, but he isn't a complete idiot either. Also problems with speech and constant silence taught him to notice certain details and, as Shibaken would say, to read the atmosphere. Ryoga understood what was going through Shion's mind at that moment. Probably. At least, Shion hopes so.
Usually they have no difficulty in understanding each other. They understand each other in half word. They even have their own secret signs. Created unintentionally, of course. During their penultimate concert, inner Inukai was furious, high pitch curses poured from Shibaken's mouth, and GokuLuck was supposed to have a battle with Cozmez in ten minutes. The other two members had to do something quickly, so that the entire Paradox club wouldn't go up in flames.
Shion sighs heavily again.
Shion feels like the reason he is comfortable with Ryoga is because they are, well, similar. Two kids who had never really known love, either from peers or from elders. Two criminals who went to extremes out of pain, frustration and fear. Two prisoners with hot feelings in their hearts, who passionately cherish the dream of getting at least some recognition. With him, Shion doesn't have to pretend: put on the mask of a frivolous ladies' man and shoot dirty jokes before anyone tries to insult him because of his appearance or status. There was no need to explain why Shion is looking (or was looking) for a one-night stand. Ryoga understands.
He understands what could not be explained. He belongs to this adult, emotionless world, just like Shion. That's why he understands from glance.
“Hope rain will stop. So we'll be back home before they get up.”
Shion can't hold a laugh.
“What?”
“It's funny that you call this place "home".”
“I'm not about that shitty apartment, but-”
GokuLuck, hah?
If someone had told Shion two years ago that he would not only be performing, but would be living in the same apartment with two completely random men and one shamelessly annoying teenager, he would have laughed sarcastically in the face of this person and advised them to work on a sense of humor. But here he is.
“Chaotic pack?” Shion jokes.
“”Gathering of idiots", but “pack” suits us better.”
Shion hums meaningfully instead of answering.
“Ya think differently?”
It must be admitted that Inukai's efforts were not in vain. GokuLuck really became to each other… something. Something Shion thinks about on the roof at night. To be completely honest, Shion likes the other three of GokuLuck. With a strange, unconventional, most likely desperate and needy…
Sym-pa-thy?
Shion thinks about calling it a little different. But could their relationship be called "love"? Yes, stupid squabbles with or without reason, eternal disagreements about everything and incompatible characters have already become something commonplace for him. Yes, he is equally worried and concerned about those three. Well, equally about two of them, for sure, but about the other one…
“Maybe.”
GokuLuck is something to him.
But is it something for the other three?
It is not customary for them to have open, heart-to-heart conversations. Everyone is afraid to bare their scarred souls and be betrayed again.Even Inukai, the best and kindest person of all with a straightforward “I trust you” attitude, has never revealed more about himself than necessary. After all, nothing stops his charges from turning around and simply leaving.
The mood is blown away by the cold wind. Shion raises his hand and straightens the long strand of hair that was lying behind his ear. The wet hair immediately sticks to his cheek.
He feels like they are getting closer. At least, that's what he wants to think. But in reality, he has no idea what the others thought of him in general and of the group as a whole. Shion can easily notice the slight changes in the mood of Inukai, Ryoga, or Shibaken. But he can't read minds.
Can Shion, out of loneliness, have begun to mistake imaginary for reality?
“...on?”
In fact, GokuLuck is nobody to each other. Teammates - yeah, roommates - yeah, cellmates - yeah. However, these are all relatively weak connections. These four created the group not out of great friendship love, but because they were pursuing the same selfish goal. Inukai, initially, also did not choose his charges. The cards fall in such a way that the four of them had the most potential in hip-hop.
“...ion?”
There is really nothing stopping the members of GokuLuck from ending their group activities right here and now. Disbanding the group and dispersing like ships at sea, as if Paradox Live had never happened. This thought makes Kaida's insides shrink and his eyes begin to sting.
“Shion.”
Goosebumps run down Shion's spine once again. Ryoga's voice sounded so clear and loud in his ear, like a bolt from the blue. Although, in the current circumstances, more like sunshine from the black.
Shion's eyelashes stuck together from the moisture. He rubs his eyes. He glances when he feels a weight on his shoulder to meet a silent question in a pair of pale green eyes. Kaida loses his composure for a few seconds, trying to find what to say. Not long enough to give him away, but long enough to make Ryoga suspect something.
Ryoga gives a sideways glance as a completely natural grin appears on the albino's face.
“Don't fall asleep on me.” Shion purrs as usual in an ingratiating voice.
"Didn't plan to."
Okay, that should be enough to calm any worries, if there is any, Ryoga might have about Shion's state. After all, GokuLuck maybe aren't really highly moral and trustworthy people, but respecting personal space is always an unspoken rule of the group.
Ryoga rests his chin on Shion's thin shoulder.
Was the rule.
“What’s wrong?”
“Hah? Nothing.”
“You straighten your hair when you're uncomfortable.”
Shion inhales sharply. Fuck. They understand each other that well so Ryoga has already knows all Kaida's habits?!
Shion has already raised his hand to tuck his hair back, but stops it when the red eyes meet his teammate's gaze again. He smiles carelessly, tensely, shrugged, and imperceptibly lowers his hand.
“Oh, really? Didn’t know it.”
What's the point of putting on this show when he's already been caught red-handed in his pretense?
“By the way, won't you freeze in this weather? Or are you one of those hot guys, mm?” The last attempt, and it was a failure. It seems that Ryoga not only didn't believe in this one-performer concert, but also noticed Shion's confusion.
Pale-green eyes look straight into his soul. On this dark rainy morning they seem as bright as lanterns. And their light acquires a clear motive of worry.
Why does Shion suddenly feel so ashamed?
He clicks his tongue and looks away.
“Home is not a right word that can be used to describe us. Well, it’s not for me to judge: I’ve never had one”. Continuing to dig into himself was a bad decision. He is already starting to feel sick from the thoughts coming into his clouded head. “…But I've heard how others describe it. It is a place where they want to see you, where they will wait for you”
Shion always spoke beautifully and attractively. Because his loose tongue is just part of a costume show. Now, when sincere feelings are exposed to the harsh cold wind, choosing the right words is a difficult challenge.
“ A place where even a cripple and a crazy idiot will be accepted,” Shion uses an effort of will to stop the hand that was already rising towards his head. “We're all just victims of Inukai trying to turn us into a family. Nothing more or less.”
A storm of emotions arise inside in an instant - light a match and everything will catch fire - but there is still not a single sensible thought in his head. Like, to shut up before everything goes to hell.
Shion squeezes his wrist.
“After all, some things are permanently unsightly.” He lowers his gaze. His corpse-like white skin stands out even in complete darkness. Just like his disease that gave Shion a snake-like appearance, it is noticeable even in the crowd. “No matter how you look at it.”
The rain is still drumming on the puddles and the small roof. But now it has become a background noise. Because the buzz in the empty head has moved to the foreground.A vile drowsiness has seized consciousness with its claws. The brain works automatically. It becomes more and more difficult to perceive reality clearly.
Shion runs his thumb over the noticeable 'scales' on his palm. Ugly outside and inside. People see him as a freak, no matter how loud he shouts otherwise.
His interlocutor remains silent.
Kaida chuckles. And his chuckle sounds strangled.
Perhaps, by the end, they are not destined to become more than members of a one-goal group.
“I like your skin.”
Shion gasps, his eyes widening.
Wait.
What did he say? Like?!
Everything suddenly goes silent. Seems like Shion's heart also just stops.
Of course, not everyone wanted to burn him because of his strange appearance, although there were some. Some people were desperate to look at him and touch him, as if he were an endangered species of some kind of animal. It was easier with those who didn't care, but they were quickly repelled by Kaida's way of life. Orphan from the street, even with money, will remain orphan from the street. Nevertheless, Ryoga said he likes...
What kind of freaking joke is this?!
Ryoga really doesn't joke often. Especially not with such black humor…
As if to confirm his words, Ryoga turns his head slightly, pulls down Shion's collar and presses his lips to Shion's neck. Right next to the vein where the heart beats madly.
Oh no, Shion's heart won't stop today. He'll die of tachycardia today.
The heart beats so loud that it drowns out the sound of the rain.
The cold wind freezes the skin. But the whole body is insanely hot. The surroundings dissolve, sink into oblivion, and Shion does not understand how he is still standing on his feet. He feels neither the ground under his feet nor his feet. At all. He clearly feels only three things: Ryoga's strong arms that wraps around his waist, Tosa's hot breath on his shoulder, and his fucking heart that pounds so painfully in his ears, as if it would immediately jump out of his rib cage and run away as far as possible.
Oh, shit.
Shion exhales hard. He bites his lower lip and squeezes his eyes tightly.
“...be with you.” Shion doesn't hear the beginning of the phrase, because of the hammering in his ears. It is clear anyway. “Truly.” Shion's head explodes from a stream of thoughts: decent, indecent, frank, false, strange, passionately desired…
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! Fuck!! Fuck!!!
Shion swallows nervously and opens his mouth to take a deep breath. Air is as necessary as water right now. And the cold air burns his throat.
Fuck it. All or nothing.
He raises his trembling hand and leaves it on Ryoga's large palm, squeezing it. He feels Ryoga flinch and hears a ragged breath of surprise from him. Shion feels a blush spreading across his face. Such an unusual feeling.
Fuck everything. Come what may.
Shion takes Ryoga's hand and places it on his chest, right on the spot where his heart is dancing the mad polka, and presses his back into Ryoga's strong chest.
“I want too,” Shion opens his dry lips, forcing out a hoarse voice. His breathing is completely lost. There is no point in trying to get it back to normal. “Be with you.”
Shion opens his eyes and looks down. His hand on top of Ryoga's hand. So childish, so cutesy and romantic. But just from this sight, so much warmth and tenderness spread inside that Shion would have preferred for time to stop. Let this downpour never end, let him stay in Ryoga's arms forever, let him melt from their heat, from their closeness, from the twisting feelings in his stomach. He feels so good now than he ever did before.
“Let's go home. When rain stops.” Ryoga hugs Shion tighter, pressing his hot cheek against Shion's neck.
“Yeah.” Shion responds in a whisper, smiling briefly.
“…I have a question,” Inukai’s voice is the first thing that Shion’s consciousness catches when he barely wakes up from sleep. “Actually, I have a few…”
How long did he sleep? It feels like five hours, but in reality, most likely, no more than two or less. Is he still sleeping? The prison guard flashes before his eyes on a constant basis to be present even in the unconscious part of Shion's life. If this is a dream, then its continuation is somehow weird…
But it has to be. The same warmth envelopes him, the same scent. Only the pillow is a little hard today.
“Glad that your lovey-dovey finally happened,” Oh, no.“ Not from the bottom of my heart though.” Oh, shit. “Why is water everywhere?!”
Even his most realistic nightmare will never be able to recreate the yell of real Shibaken so accurately. This means…
“Shibaken, fuck off.” Ryoga snorts at the top of Shion's head.
“You fuck off!”
Oh, shit, he really fell asleep in Ryoga's bed. He fell asleep on Ryoga. On his chest.
This explains some things...
Shion exhales noisily. He bites his lower lip to at least slightly restrain the spreading feeling of shame, and rises from his place. He sits up on the blanket and rubs the bridge of his nose.
“We’re caught in the rain.”
“So you brought it with you.” Kenta's eyes positively exude poisonous skepticism. Well, this look is nothing new for Shion.
“H-how did you get caught in the rain?” Inukai mutters, deeply astonished. “We all went to bed at the same time together…”
All three prisoners roll their eyes.
Shion quickly glances at himself and his bedmate. At least they have clothes on. This is a little reassuring. Not that Shion expects that what happened under the little roof could spill over into an intimate setting. Not that he would mind either: his teammate has an incredibly built body. But sex between them now would feel so inappropriate.
“Shion, if my stuff burns because of your wet mop on the head, I'll bury you both alive!”
“M-Mikoshiba-kun, there's not that much water!-”
“Oh, yeah?! Want me to poke your nose into puddles like a pup?!”
“Why are you like this from the early morning…”
The disgruntled teenager, with steam coming out of his ears, grabbed the policeman by the elbow and roughly dragged him to show the “crime scene.” Shion shakes his head, hearing Kenta babbling in the hallway and Inukai unsuccessfully trying to pacify him. He looks over his shoulder, but immediately lowers his gaze as soon as his red eyes meet Ryoga's pale-green ones.
“Did I at least ask?” His insidious smooth voice decides to go hoarse right now? Damn, even his own voice betrayed Shion.
Ryoga remained silent for a moment, clearly thinking about the answer. Then he sits up in bed.
“I guess. Don’t remember…”
“Sounds about right.”
An awkward silence hung in the room. Shion clenched his teeth. Something needs to be said. But what? And How? How can he talk to Ryoga when he can't even look him in the eyes? Well, it seems like Ryoga has the same problem.
Fuck.
Shion takes a deep breath. Why does the air become so cold again? Doesn't matter.
He moves his hand and presses it to Ryoga's large palm.
“Wanna start?..”
The remnants of the phrase disappears into oblivion, as does Kaida’s voice. He feels how his cheeks burn.
“Terrible idea…”
Oh.
Well, of course.
What does he even expect?
Two prisoners, one worse than the other. Disappointed not only in life, but also in themselves. They barely learned to trust each other. What kind of romantic love can be here? There was no real reason in being fooled by stupid childish hopes. He knew this from previous times.
After all, it was all just a dream, wasn't it?
But the feeling still unpleasantly stings his eyes to the point of tears.
“…But,” Shion flinched when Ryoga suddenly continued. “We…”
Tosa placed his hand on top of Kaida's cold palm.
“Ahm, we can try.”
In a second, the stopped heart accelerates to the speed of a racing car.
Albino raises his head, finally plucking up the courage to look at his teammate. The same bright blush, almost the colour of Ryoga's red hair, pursed lips, ragged breathing. Pale-green full of the same innocent hopes for reciprocity. Was Shion wrong, is it different this time? Is everything?..
For real.
Shion intertwined his fingers with Ryoga's. He smiles tenderly and tucks a long lock of hair behind his ear with his free hand.
“Sure. We can.”
Ryoga's face brightens with joy at Shion's answer. Shion could not describe in any possible word the feeling that this smile opens in his heart. A little more, just a little, and Kaida will move closer to Ryoga's face and…
“Kiss and I'll puke.”
Shion couldn't help but chuckle as he turns towards the door.
“Eavesdropping, you two.”
“I-I’m so sorry,” Inukai immediately raises his hands disarmed and starts chattering. “I didn’t mean to-”
“Damn, the walls here are cardboard! We live in a freaking anechoic room.”
Shion raises an eyebrow. A kind smile keeps remaining on his lips: he is too happy to be angry with this little gremlin. Kenta puts his hands on his hips and begins boring into the albino’s overly pleased face.
“I will stand here and interrupt whatever you two have until you mop the floor.”
Ryoga growls quietly: not annoyed, but tired.
“I’ll do it. Shut up already.”
He reluctantly opened his hands with Shion and got out of bed.
“You had to do it in the first place, instead of getting on my nerves.”
“You’re getting on my nerves.”
“Oh, I am so freaking scared of you, bullbag!”
“Mikoshiba-kun, stop this. Tosa-kun, you're older, be more reasonable, please. You two, I beg you.”
Shion watches with undisguised pleasure as his teammates staged a theatrical showdown over a couple of small puddles in the hallway. Noise, din and eternal chaos are synonymous words for GokuLuck. But Shion is glad of this noise and cannot wish for more. For the first time in his life, he has found a place where he wants to return, a place where he is surrounded by people who will wait for his return, those who truly accept him in any way.
For the first time in years, Shion found someone he wants to spend the night with outside of the bedroom. With whom he wants to spend more than one night, many, and not only nights, but also days: walking, talking, fooling around, silently contemplating the fast city life with cigarettes. With whom he could and wants to share the joys and sorrows of life. Shion fell in love for the first time in many years. For real. He fell in love with a man who was outwardly his complete opposite, but, in fact, understood better than others, being the same. Fell in love and was loved in the same way.
For the first time, Shion could confidently say: he has, albeit not ideal and not easy, but happy here and now.