Chapter Text
Lucifer asked Adam for a favor, promising Adam the ability to another favor at a later date. Unfortunately, Adam fully agreed to the favor before knowing any information about it. Apparently, the king wanted him to go attend a meeting at the eyesore that is Heaven’s embassy. Great.
Adam was reluctant to go at first, until he realized he could use the meeting to get Heaven on board with his redemption plan; his previous idea was just to send sinners up when he felt they were redeemed and hope for the best. On further thought, it wasn’t a very good idea.
Upon entering the embassy, the first thing he noticed was how fucking creepy it was. It was extremely spacious for no reason, looking like a cathedral of sorts, and it appeared like it hadn’t had a soul touch it in years, despite the dust-free environment. The feeling of unease was only pronounced by a scroll ascending in a beam of light from the ceiling with no warning.
Overcoming the shock, he signed his name on the scroll, causing a door to open up just behind the parchment. Inside the doorway was a large and tall hallway that led to a singular room at the end. The entire building looked like it was just made for intimidation, and it was completing its purpose well, in Adam’s opinion.
A few paces later, Adam reached the door and opened it. Upon entering, he immediately laid his eyes upon two angels, one sitting and one standing. The sitting angel had long blonde hair, sickly-white skin, and six large wings. She was wearing a blue-and-white suit. In Adam’s always correct opinion, she looked like Lucifer, but holy, and a woman.
The other angel, who was standing to the side of the previous (despite an available chair), was quite obviously an exterminator. He couldn’t really place anything more than that; he was too focused on the death stare it was giving him. Really a great fucking audience, woman-Lucifer and an exterminator; though for a meeting a week after the extermination, he should’ve expected this.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t know if you would end up showing!” woman-Lucifer said in a sickly-sweet voice. Adam was around ten minutes late to this meeting on further recollection. He guesses that Heaven must be much stingier about people arriving on time; of course, those fuckers would; they should’ve been happy he didn’t show up thirty minutes late.
Seeing no reply, the woman continued, gesturing to a seat across from her on the table. “I haven’t seen you before; are you new? My name is Charlie. What’s-?”
Wait. No wonder the woman looked like Lucifer. It was probably his fucking child. He nearly forgot about that time Lucifer gave up his only child to Heaven 200 or so years ago. “Like the daughter of Lucifer, Charlie?”
This comment obviously made Charlie uncomfortable, as she started biting her lip. “Err, yeah. That Charlie.”
Adam couldn’t help but mutter under his breath after that comment, “No wonder Lucifer asked for me to go to this meeting.” Judging by the angel’s ( was she really even an angel? ) smile falling, she picked up on what he said, but ended up choosing to ignore it.
Charlie continued, “So anyways, what’s your name?”
“Adam.”
“Like, first man Adam?”
“That’s me.”
This information seemed to bring great joy to Charlie. “Wow, that’s so cool! I’ve heard wonderful things about you!” She proceeded to reach over the table for a handshake, an action Adam reluctantly accepted, only for his hand to go right through hers. “Shit! I forgot I was using a hologram. I’m so sorry about that!”
Fucking bitch. “Yeah, yeah. It’s all good.” Adam replied, followed by a long, awkward pause. Charlie finally broke the silence with, “Well anyways, the purpose of this meeting shouldn’t take too long to discuss, so how about we get to know each other?”
No fucking way. He just got granted the time to talk about his hotel project without even having to fight for it. “Yeah, yeah, that sounds great! I’ve wanted to talk to you about an idea I’ve had to solve, like, our biggest fucking problem!”
This seemed to captivate Charlie: “Like when people disrespect lower-class angels? Wait, you’re in Hell, that isn’t a problem for you. What about when there aren't enough pancakes for everyone at breakfast?”
Exasperated, Adam replied, “No, no! Not that! The thing about pancakes isn’t even a fucking problem!”
“Speak for yourself.”
“The problem I’m talking about is overpopulation in Hell!”
“That’s not a problem, though. We have the exterminations!” She energetically replied with a tone of confusion.
“But the exterminations kill my descendants!”
Her face now fully morphed into confusion: “They are sinners; why do you care?”
“And who do you think I am, bitch? I’m a fucking sinner! The original one!” The angel by Charlie’s side finally spoke up at this comment, pointing her spear at him. “Don’t speak to Charlie that way.”
Fuck! He couldn’t be killed by an exorcist today; he’s avoided them for far too long for this to be the end. “Shit! Okay, okay, I think we got off on the wrong foot. I’m sorry, for one.”
The exorcist put down her spear after Adam’s fumbled apology, and Charlie regained her smile. “It’s alright. I just struggle to understand why you would support them with all the depravity that goes on.” She said before seeming to contemplate something for a few moments, eventually saying, “You can continue with your idea, if you wish.”
He’s so fucking lucky. He didn’t blow his chance to explain his idea by insulting Lucifer’s daughter, of all people. “Okay, well, my idea is to, y’know, well, actually, you don’t know. It’s to redeem the fuckers down here and get them out of Hell! You won’t need to come down and kill them, and we won’t have any more overpopulation bullshit to worry about! Both the people down here and up above would be happy!”
So enamored by his own speech, Adam didn’t even notice the lackluster enthusiasm in response to it, his bubble only being broken by a question. “Sorry if this is insensitive, but why would sinners be redeemable?”
This question pissed him off: “You may not notice when you guys come down here to slaughter us, but sinners aren’t just fucking abominations! They love people; they have families; some have morals!”
Charlie was confused and, above all, unbelieving of Adam’s plan. “Well, if that was the case, then why would Heaven conduct the exterminations?”
“Maybe Heaven’s wrong about the exterminations.”
That comment seemed to be the wrong thing to say, as it moved Charlie from confused to defensive. “No, no! Heaven is always right; don’t say that.”
“Nothing can always be right; that’s just fucking delusional.”
Defensiveness turned to annoyance as her smile dropped once again, and she replied, “Heaven always makes the right decision.”
“So why-” Adam couldn’t continue his questioning as suddenly a loud buzzer went off, indicating the end of the meeting.
Charlie became flustered. “Sorry! It seems like our meeting is over; looks like our discussion went a bit long. I hope to see you again sometime soon!” She proceeded to stumble up from her chair, attempting to use some controller—possibly how they operated the holograms.
The exterminator, who hadn’t yet moved from her spot, spoke up. “Charlie.”
“Huh?”
The exterminator continued with a friendly and reassuring tone, seemingly misplaced as she continued to coldly stare at Adam. “You forgot the reason we came here.”
“Oh, right! Thank you for reminding me, Vaggie!” Charlie replied, sitting back down at the table and refocusing on Adam. “This is going to be reeeeaaaally awkward to tell you now that I know your opinion about the residents down here.”
She took a few seconds to speak after that, fiddling with her hands before suddenly blurting out, “We’re cutting the time between exterminations in half. Six months.”
This entirely caught Adam off guard. Fuck, why couldn’t Lucifer have done this meeting? This was a complete waste of time; all that fucking happened was the angels telling him they wanted to murder more frequently. “What, what the fuck, why?”
Charlie, now looking guilty, yelled out, “Sorry, I can’t really tell you, uh, bye!” while swiftly getting up and working the remote, disappearing with the exterminator, and leaving Adam alone in a dimly lit room.
“Fucking bitches! Fucking tells me that shit with no explanation!”
Those fucking angels and their inability to explain themselves. Still consumed in rage, he began yelling and jabbing in the direction of the ceiling, “Fuck you guys!”
“Fuck you!”
“Fucking cunts!”
“Fucking, fuck!” He finished shouting by saying, kicking a wall, and leaving the meeting room to head back to Lute and explain how horrible everything had gone.