Chapter Text
The faster a clock moves, the slower time passes
The marriage didn't last long, almost three years if he had to be exact, and in retrospect Jaehyun knew why.
Ever since that day, 11th of october 2012, he couldn't help but always think of the face Inguk made in that photo they took by the end of the ceremony. It was heartbreaking to say the least- the smile was not genuine at all. He had seen him smile many many times. All, no, most of them were real, genuine smiles that warmed his heart and reached the darkest parts, even when he was feeling down. His laugh too- always sending a comfortable feeling through his body, making it echo in his ears even hours after.
There was no denial that he spent more of his thoughts thinking of his best friend than of his wife or the future they should be having. Instead, he was always caught off guard by thoughts imagining his future with Inguk.
At first he tried to excuse it, those strange recurring feelings, to himself because the situation he was in now was just so new, that he was definitely only overwhelmed and everything would settle down the moment a normal routine would find its way back into his, their , life. But still, even over time, the feelings and thoughts didn't vanish. They only got more and with them his confusion grew, too the longer Inguk was away.
One day, he had just left like this. Without telling him a word where he would go. Not even his grandmother knew to where he left. He only left a note saying he needed a break.
It left a large hole in his chest, and by night he would dream of him. It slowly got out of hand. So much so, he consulted friends over this issue. Wondering if they’ve ever felt the same.
Then, they would only look at him dumbfounded, having more questions than answers, laughing even, making awkward jokes about how it seemed like he was looking for a missing wife instead of just a best friend or if he even thought of him in bed, next to his wife. Jokes he could only cringe to, jokes that felt like nothing more but pure mockery
and stabs into his heart.
Because no, they had never felt this way towards their friends after their marriage, not even before. And then he had to explain himself why he would even ask such strange questions and they would ask if he wasn't happy in their marriage and if he needed something new. Something new. He knew what they meant by that.
Of course he was happy. It was never as if he hated her, he liked being around her- with her- but was it truly the happiness he had always desired?
No. Not when the person who had suddenly disappeared out of his life, almost right after the marriage, now sat right next to him, in his house. How ironic it was they reconnected at a friend's funeral, at 6:20.
Wearing the same usual smile he always had on his face. As if three years ago didn't happen. As if he didn't disappear just like that, one day he was there and the next day gone. And Jaehyun wasn't angry at Inguk, how could he after seeing that look on his face in the photo. Now he sat there next to him, wearing the watch he had handed it to him as a gift for his birthday a long time ago. He still remembered the very first time he had put it around Inguk wrist, brushing across his pulse point and feeling the beat against his fingers. He saw him smile awkwardly then, something he quite liked looking back at it. The wristband all faded and worn out, adorning cracks. But it still suited him so well.
He sat there next to him, on the ground, in front of the couch and a small table. Filled will small snacks and glasses and bottles of alcohol. Inguk wore a white loose sweater and his hair down, it covered parts of his forehead but not his eyes, always so expressive, always hiding so many emotions at once.
He himself did not wear his wedding ring tonight- why should he, when everything had been over just a few days ago? When Inguk asked him why and where his wife was, he made up some stupid lie about her being away on a trip. He had no idea why he couldn't be true to him tonight. Maybe he didn't want to drag down the mood, he didn't want to explain himself why he broke up something that seemed so perfect and ran into something strange he couldn't get out of anymore.
How ironic it was they reconnected at a friend's funeral because if he had any idea how the night would end, for both of them- one would stay in the warmth of their home while the other one would take in the cold breeze of the night alone, full of regret and pain, never to be seen again alive- would he have invited him home then? Would he perhaps have then told him the truth of where his wife was and the reason why he was no longer wearing the wedding ring? Would he have just told him another lie so bold, just to see him smile and stay a little longer? Or would he have never laid down on the couch and instead drowned another glass?
But in this moment, he just sat there next to him- drowning another glass after another. Both of them slowly getting quite obviously tipsy, faces flushed from all the alcohol flowing through their blood. Jaehyun wanted to see it up closer, just a little closer as much as it was possible so he picked up whatever was left on the plate- vision slightly blurred- and pushed the fork into Inguk’s face. He refused at first, only upon begging did he agree.
Just once.
Jaehyun chuckled quietly. Inguk still couldn't resist his begs.
So he moved closer, head slightly tilted.
Jaehyun could feel the warmth spreading from tInguk’s body, brushing across the sensitive skin of his hand. Jaehyun let his eyes wander, stopped at the mark right under Inguk’s left eye and could see his eyelids flutter. A smile crossed the other one's lips when he took the small piece from the fork, lips parted slightly.
And it was the very first time Jaehyun couldn't look away from them. If it wasn't for Inguk who now looked back up to him again, if it wasn't for him, he would still look, reach out and maybe—
The alcohol definitely got into his head now, too. What was he thinking? Of him and his best friend. What was he thinking of doing?
He shook his head and he fork fell down, clanking against the plate, then he poured himself another one. How much did he drink by now, that he suddenly had those thoughts circling around his mind? How long had they been in the same position, so close to each other. And had Inguk always worn a scent like this? So intoxicating to his drunken, very confused, nerves? Was it all just because he was drunk, that he began to imagine things that shouldn't even happen to begin with? How he thought of things he wished to be real?
If Jaehyun knew how the night would end for them both, would he have told him to stay the night, maybe forever? Would he have buried his hot, burning face into Inguk’s shoulder, gripped his sweater tight and held him close this very moment to tell him to never ever leave his side again? Would he have told him he would stay by his side too, until they were old and would die of age, side by side?
Instead, they just got more drunk. The fourth and final bottle clinked against the others, rolled down the table and fell down on the dark green carpet under them. They looked at each other and laughed. There wasn't even anything funny about it, and yet they did. When was the last time they had done this together? It felt like an eternity, and not just a few years. How long had it been since Jaehyun had heard and seen him laugh like that? With all his heart, slightly bend over with his face all flushed? Making him want to reach forwards, wrap his fingers around Inguk’s wrist and pull him closer until their faces were just mere inches apart to the point he could see their future in his eyes. Instead he just leaned back, let out a heavy sigh, then dragged himself up the couch. His heavy head buried inside a tower of cold pillows, eyes closed as dots and stars began to dance around his vision.
It was quiet around him for a moment, only hearing a glass clink and clothes rustle from time to time, from outside he could hear the faint sound of cars. It was a quiet evening and even though this had been his home for such a long time, with Inguk next to him it was the very first moment he actually felt at home. The one he had missed for so long. Drifting into a light sleep, he felt a sense of warmth spread through his body as his hand lightly grazed over Inguk’s arm, feeling him tense up under the touch.
He didn't know how much time had passed when something shuffled next to him, weighing down on the couch. A blanket slid down its back , followed by a pillow which fell onto the ground with a soft thud. The light, shining from above down onto Jaehyun's face, now blocked from his vision too. And when he opened his eyes again it was the very image he had just thought of. Inguk so close, right above him, hands planted right next to both of his shoulders, pressing into the couch with such a force like he was so desperately trying to hold back- eyes staring right into Jaehyun’s, then drifting down to his lips, biting down on his own, and up again.
For a moment it was as if the time stood still. Nobody said anything, outside noises vanished too. Just both breathing and inhaling each other, feeling the presence and the tension. Not even looking away for one second. He wanted to reach out- he was about to reach out. But then suddenly, there was fear all over Inguk’s face as he dug his fingers deep into the fabric of the couch, gripping it, before he pushed himself back up again. Only now could Jaehyun reach out for him but was met with coldness as the other one ripped himself free from the grip, scrambling to his feet.
When he looked up he saw it.
Those beautiful eyes swimmed in tears now, reflecting the endless longing he had hidden for so long.
He let him go. He couldn't do anything else. He let him go that night, the only thing that would linger on forever was the scent of lilies.
And if Jaehyun just knew by then how the night would end for the both of them, would he have run after him, blocked the door and told him how he felt, too? How he had tried to understand what he had begun to feel those past months but didn't understand any of it? Would the outcome have been different then? Would he just have made it worse? What did he do wrong that night and what could he have changed? What would have been the solution to not lose him so many times? What was the moment he messed up their future together? When was it? When did he ruin everything for them? As best friends, or more.
Whatever Inguk wished them so desperately to be.
What happened next was the reason why he even stood here now- alone, wreaths of white lilies, chrysanthemums, roses, carnations and orchids filled the hall at 10:11 am. The smell clouded his senses as he looked down to the portrait- in the far back, sounding as if he was underwater. He could hear Inguk’s grandmother cry and fall to her knees. He could hear her scream out his name, begging him to come back. But he would never come back. Not like this.
Inguk died that day at his wedding. And once again the night when Jaehyun didn't run after him, pulled him back, close into his arms and let him scream at him, be angry at him, pour all his feelings out on his shoulders.
He died that day because Jaehyun was a coward who didn't understand those confusing feelings, who always pushed them away in favour of people around him, in fear- if he would ever show them, let alone allude to them- he would get pushed away. Left alone. Laughed and pointed fingers at.
The reason why they decided to divorce. Maybe Dasom had felt it first, maybe she had tried to explain it to him, with all those words he heard from her- so serious, so hurtful, so cold. So real. But then, why did she leave him? Pushed him away like that?
The scent of the flowers once again made its way up to his nose. Filled his mind. That's when he remembered- that night, when Inguk had been surrounded by the same scent. Foreshadowing his demise.
That's when Jaehyun remembered and his feet began to carry him across the floor and corridor, past people mourning. He couldn't even spare a look at Inguk’s grandmother- the woman he had promised to always stay by her son's side, always be the one to make him smile because for her, he always seemed so sad- too embarrassed he was of what he had done to him. He ripped the door open and stumbled outside, hit in the face by the burning sun laughing at him, so out of place for such a horrible day, and made his way across the parking lot to where his car was parked. Stumbling over his own feet again and again while his vision began to blur.
Jaehyun ripped the trunk door open. there it sat. An ocean blue coloured box with nothing much for others inside- but everything for him. It held his soul. And he had been carrying it around with him for 2 days now, like a maniac, taking him back to the place they had met the first time. Their middle school.
Ever since he got that call. Ever since he heard Inguk’s grandmother on the phone crying, unable to form coherent sentences. Telling him he had to come, because there was something he had to pick up- it belonged to him. Her grandson wanted him to have it.
His most prized possessions.
Taking the box out of the trunk, he fell down on the ground to his knees, dirtying his clothes in the process, and pulled open the blue ribbon sealing it like no one else was supposed to see the content. Like no one was supposed to discover his heart. The lid fell off. Inside there was his watch. The watch he had once gifted him- or at least that's what was left of it. A broken crystal, the short hand showing 10, the longer 11. He was holding time in his hand. The time when Inguk decided to leave this world behind because Jaehyun was such a coward, always afraid and confused. He let it sit there untouched.
His fingers curled around the heavy manuscript. The cover was blue, showing a beautiful ocean by evening. It reflected a single star shining most brightly on the sky - the sun. Colouring parts of the water in a light purple hue.
It was the beach they had visited many times when they were younger.
Beautiful, cherished memories of a time already gone by. Way too fast.
Jaehyun flipped open the first page, then the next and the next and the next. And the scent was back again. Every page was drowned in it. The scent of freshly picked lilies. Filling his thoughts, staining his fingers with warm tears rolling down his face, burning on his skin. He couldn't read a single word written in the manuscript. Not even the title.
The last day he had seen Inguk, he had smelled just the same. Back then, he thought, it was mere imagination. Stupid imagination of someone who was so desperate.
He still hadn't got the chance to read it. Too fresh the wound. Maybe he could do it tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow he could take the watch and get it fixed, so it would run again, live on with him. Maybe tomorrow he would wake up and realise it was all just a bad, agonisingly, long dream.
But the “tomorrow” never came. He did not go and get the watch fixed the next day. He did not start to read the book the next day. His mind too plagued by nightmares, his body fighting through sleepless nights. And so the time passed. On his own watch- on everyone's watches.
Never on Inguk's. Still stuck in the past. Still showing the same time. 10:11.
Somewhere, at the back of his shelf in his bedroom there stood the box.
Untouched
For 9 long years.
Every day he woke up for the past 9 years and hoped that maybe one day he would get past the grief and pain. Past the nightmares and past the guilt eating him up. Past the empty spaces next to him in the car, in his home.
In his heart.
9 long years he had hoped that maybe someone else could make his heart feel things like this again. But they never came.
But who did he even try to fool, exactly? Inguk was irreplaceable. No one could ever take his place.
It was late in the evening, on a cool spring night, when he decided to sit down on his balcony. The manuscript on his lap.
An oath until the moment we fade
The first time he was able to read the title without tearing up so badly it felt as if his heart would burst.
The first time he realised just how beautiful the title and the cover itself were. A piece of Inguk’s soul had been there, always with him, for 9 years. And the smell of the lilies still stuck to it.
The first pages were blank. As if they had been waiting to be filled all time long. Or as if the author had no idea what to write at first, struggling to find the right words. Just small numbers adorned the lower right corner of the pages.
He was at page 10 when he read those words.
I’m sorry
Followed by one more blank page. When he flipped to the next, he was met by the past, unprepared, no chapter title. Not giving him a heads up.
“You. The kid who had unusually fair skin and a larger build compared to peers our age. I became close friends with you during the second year of middle school when we were placed in the same homeroom. I called you "Hyeon", the reason simply being that the last character of your name was Hyeon (현). Those were the days when we were assigned seats according to height. You, Hyeon-ie sat at the back end of the first row, next to the window like an unknown character of some third class internet novel. Maybe because you wore a dark expression on your face throughout the day, the kids in our class rarely approached you.
What would be a nice way to go talk to Hyeon? I think I had a hard time sleeping one day thinking about that. Staying up all night thinking about someone? How strange. As someone who would fall asleep as soon as their head touched the desk, it was something I had never imagined doing. The next morning, I got hit on the back of my head hard by father, as I sat chewing my breakfast, eyes bloodshot red. All because I couldn’t stop thinking about you.
I wondered how many days had passed since school started. During the break right after third period, I mustered up the courage to talk to you. I had missed the timing during the first period break. During the second period break, you weren't in your seat. Only once the third period break had started was I able to walk across the third and second rows and get to the first row where you were sitting. With the footsteps of a 160cm something tall middle schooler, it took me a few days to approach you.
Looking back, I knew why.
Those days in school I spent without you from that day on made me feel like I was stuck, drowning even. All I could do those days then was thinking about you. Hoping you would jump into the deep water, grab me by the back of my shirt. Pulling me back up to the surface, help me breathe again. But you weren't there so all I could do was wait.”
Oh . He remembered that day still, like it happened just yesterday. He had seen his reflection through the window, shifting from one foot to another. The movement made Jaehyun turn around. There he stood, looking at him with those shy eyes, trying to find the right words. What to say to him. When Inguk finally spoke, a smile spread across his face. Jaehyun knew, from this day on, he would be the one to spend not only his school days with, but they also would see each other after. Inguk would often take Jaehyun to the beach too, after hearing just how much he loved going there.
The first chapter followed right after. Titled 15th of october, 2012. A few days after the wedding.
“ I saw you holding her hand and smiling at her. I heard all the people cheer for you, your luck, saw my own grandmother’s smile, felt her nudging my shoulder wondering when I would tie the knot. I just smiled at her, forced. Knowing I would never, not here, at least. Maybe even never.
When you took my wrist again, at the balcony, I was hoping you didn't feel it. My heart, that would usually race when you grabbed me this way, stood still. Of course you know hearts could never stop beating, unless the person was dead. But it felt like I had died. It was beating so low one could think it died. Died the moment you tied the knot, walked down the aisle. But I wanted to stay happy for you, for both of yours sake. So I kept smiling. Pushing through the pain .
And now I left. Who knows how long I will stay away.”
The words weighed heavy on his heart. How did he not pick up on what he was going through in those moments? Why did he only realise he was hurting when he saw the photo?
The second chapter was titled October 11th, 2014.
“You probably have noticed how I wrote the first chapter almost immediately after your marriage. Picking it back up 2 years later, on your anniversary, feels strange. I’m out of the country right now. Have seen a bit of the world. Beautiful sceneries which I hoped could ease my mind and my thoughts but whenever I come across news from home I get reminded of you. I enjoy being away.
Also, I’m sorry I changed my number. But I probably wouldn't have picked up your calls either way. I don't know if I could bear to see your face again”
More blank pages followed, one of them had been crumpled once. Under the light of the lamp right above Jaehyun's head, he could see faint lines of something previously scribbled on it, crossed out multiple times with a pen.
The next chapter read May 5th, 2015.
Just two weeks before they would met again
“I’m home. Or what someone would regard as home. I don't know if I can still. Home still feels strange but also oddly familiar, maybe even more now. Nothing much has changed for me, unlike for you, probably. I wish I wrote just some more chapters. Maybe to explain to you what happened in those 3 years apart. What I had been trying to leave behind. But I don't know what to say except that one word. That one word I could never tell you in fear you would hate me, leave me alone.
Instead, maybe I could tell you I’m an author now but I’m pretty sure by now you have already seen my first and only book on the shelfs of stores. I wish I would've written more, then you wouldn't be stuck with the only version of me being so awfully miserable. I wish a happier version of me would've written something. I wish somewhere there would be a happy version of me, writing happy stories from my own experiences. Stories that would make people smile, you smile But instead, there exists only one- and the one you're holding in your hands now.
Remember when I wrote I don't know if I could bear to see your face again? Being home reminds me of how much I actually miss you.
I wish we would meet once again. When I’m happier, when I wouldn’t drag down the mood. One day. It doesn't even have to be this month, or even this year. I don't mind if we meet in the future. In 4 years, 6 years or even 9 years. Or longer. We don't even have to talk to each other. It would be enough for me to see you from afar. Smiling happily, laughing.
And then there is that other part inside of me. The one that wishes we would meet and talk to each other again, somehow, in a perfect life. Where you would call me to come over to your workplace. I would get up immediately, rush out of the house. Would arrive there way too early. You would tell me to take the side entrance and I would sit down next to you, watching you work, staring at your side profile, let my eyes wander and then stare in your eyes. You then would turn around to tell me you're divorced, proudly show me your hand and smile shyly. I would pretend to be shocked but I am not. You would invite me to your home.
I wish I would then try to confess to you, through a kiss maybe. Then you would kick me out. Perhaps I would rather tell you just how much I like you at the tunnel we both used to be afraid of when we were younger.
Ask you for one last hug before I leave. You would move on, but I wouldn't. I would still be there, somewhere, but without you. You without me, growing old.
I know this is all egoistic.
I’m egoistic but love has turned me into this type of person.”
The fourth and last chapter was titled Remember when we sat by the ocean? May, 21st. One day before, Jaehyun would invite him home. It was only one page long.
“Remember how often we would visit the ocean? And you would always talk about how much you love the sound of the waves crashing against the shore? I used to tease you for it so many times. But yesterday I was sitting there alone to take this picture at night. So that these pages, I would never turn into a book, will have a perfectly matching cover.
Whenever you get this book or decide to read it; it probably means we have moved on. But there will always be chances to meet again. Look beyond time. Listen.”
Look beyond time. Listen.
Those last words stuck to him as he carefully flipped the last pages, one after another. They were empty. Just like the first ones. Only the last page adorned an outline of a small butterfly.
And it was as if it added just more weight to the already heavy block of paper. It weighed heavy on his lap, burning into his finger as he leaned back in his seat. Eyes drifting across the stars filled sky as tears made their way across his cheeks once more, rolling down his jaw and dripping down on his hands.
Everything hurt. It hurt not being able to hear those words spoken by Inguk himself. It hurt he could only read them and do nothing anymore. It hurt how he couldn't tell him just how much he still cherished him no matter how he felt, how he couldn't hold his hands and pull him into a warm hug until those tears were dried.
Why did those words do so much to him? Why did they make his stomach feel so tight and his heart so heavy? Was it because they spoke what he had been thinking for a long time too? Was it because one of them had been brave enough to talk about their feelings, even though it was through written pages? Was it because he was fascinated by how easy it seemed for Inguk to understand his own feelings? He thought about all the what if’s again. What if he had never married, what if he had thought it through more and came to the conclusion that maybe, at the end of the day, he couldn't commit to be what the others wanted him to be. How he couldn't be the perfect husband when his mind would constantly drift back to his best friend.
What if he had pulled him down that night, connected their lips and ultimately sealed their future? What if he had kept him tight, reciprocated all those feelings back when Inguk was still alive. All those feelings his best friend had held back years long for his sake.
Only to be in pain the whole time.
He put the pages down inside the box again and took out the watch this time. The crystal still broken. The hands still showed 10:11. What type of friend was he to keep it waiting for so long? It should be right there where he was too. In the future. The wristband felt heavy in his hands as he traced the cracks and wrinkles. It was so worn out, now that he held it so up close to his face- the crystal reflecting the lantern light above his head.
Inguk must've worn it every single day- on his left wrist, cose to his heart. Jaehyun imagined when he went to sleep every evening, he probably had always put it aside, in the drawer of his nightstand. To keep it safe from any harm. And the following day he would put it on again, to work. He would repeat this, every single day, until he couldn't anymore.
Until they would find the broken watch on the pavement, next to his lifeless body. Dead by 10:11 pm.
Grabbing the watch and the box tight, he got up from his seat- the chair creaked under him, scrapping over the ground. Maybe it was 12 years too late to fix what broke then, but he wanted to at least fix what shattered 9 years ago. He wanted to do what he couldn't all those years.
So he went back inside, the lantern light flickering just as he closed the door, then its light went out. Jaehyun made his way upstairs to the attic, having only one goal in mind. Somewhere here, he remembered, he had stored the repair kits for watches he bought right after the funeral.
If Jaehyun had to be honest to himself, he had never even repaired a watch, let alone knew how it would work on an outdated model- but no matter how long it would take, how much time it would take and money it would cost, he would try and do his utmost best to fix what had been broken. By time. By feelings unrequited.
When it hit midnight, he fell asleep. The still broken watch in his hand, wrapped in a tight grip as if he was in fear someone would take it away from him. The dial showing 10:35. He didn't get far, the hands somehow got stuck in the process.
Who knew fixing an old watch would take so much time and effort.
Jaehyun woke up not long after, at daybreak- or at least, that's what he was supposed to wake up too, wasn't he? But then, where was the singing of the birds that would usually wake him up, reminding him yet another day had just started. Why was it, when he got up and pulled the curtains aside, still dark outside? Where was the watch? Why, when he looked up, did the clock, with a crack right across its display on the wall, above his desk, show 10:30 instead of 12? And why was there his old phone model on the desk, the one he had lastly used at Inguk’s funeral 9 years ago? What had happened when he fell asleep at the same desk, in the same room, in the same clothes? Why was everything the same but somehow, nothing added up? Something fell down from the desk, under a stack of papers, when he got up.
A calendar.
A date circled.
May, 22nd. 2015
He remembered the date. Something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong. This had to be a dream.
And then the phone on the table began to ring, too.
His nervously shaking hands reached out, accepting the unknown call. He should know who was calling.
The voice at the other end of the line was in so much pain. Breaking in and out of tears, taking shaking breaths. Then she whispered He died at 10:11.
The phone slipped out of his hands. And so did he, slipping away, collapsing to the ground. Why was he here again? Was it one of his many nightmares again? When he looked up, the clock on the wall showed 10:35.
Why was he here again, so suddenly? Why was he once again surrounded by the smell of the flowers and the cries of Inguk’s grandmother ?
And how did he wake up the next moment, drenched in sweat- holding a broken watch, showing the exact same time like in what must have been a dream. And how was it possible the clock on his wall showed only 15 minutes had passed from when he had fallen asleep to now?
Jaehyun turned the watch in his hand, reflecting the light of the small lamp on his desk on its surface.
Then he continued on. Every single moment of his dream replaying in his head over and over again.
By around 4 in the morning, he fell asleep again. Hand clutching the disassembled watch at 10:11.
And he was back at the time of his death, and woke up once more- over and over again. Anyone would've gone crazy by now. This was the strangest dream he ever had- if it even was a dream? What would happen if he could go forwards in time?
He laughed at himself. Did he really think the watch got anything to do with what was happening now? Maybe he was going insane after all those years.
But he did it anyway. Carefully turning the hands forwards. Then he rested his head on the table and waited. Waited for sleep to get him.
Now he was back at the funeral. Eyes wide, filled with tears. And then would relive those 9 years again. Reliving regretting so many decisions, upsetting his mother, making her cry. He relived all those tears spilled and how he cried in his sleep, the nightmares. Relived feeling 9 stabs in his heart- each of them at one anniversary when he would see the photo of him under a small tree which would grow more each time.
Look beyond time.
And then he woke up. Face stained with tears, he felt so incredibly sick and so tired, eyes falling close every second. Of course because he had been doing all that the past hours. It was a monday, he should be at work. Instead he was having the wildest imaginations and played what if's with time. But still, there was no way for him to stop yet.
If he wanted to sleep, he could in that strange world. So with a racing heart and eyes about to fall shut again, he went back to fix a promise. To reassemble the watch.
It took him so long, the sun was already up.
At midday, he rewinded time. Sometimes it felt like he was playing god, other times it felt like he had lost his sanity.
He jolted up from his chair. It was the same spot and same place again. The desk scattered with documents. No watch next to him. Frantically, he brushed sleep and hair out of his face as his eyes scanned the room. There was no clock on the wall this time, no phone next to him on the desk either. Where had he put both of them? He had to check the time. He had to know what time it was, how much time was left to save the person he couldn't the last time. He had to make it right. Not only for his sake, but also for everyone's sake. He didn't want to see Inguk depart like this again, forever. He didn't want to stand at the funeral hall again, hearing his grandmother weep. He didn't want to smell the flowers again or see how only a handful of people filled the tables to pay him respect one last time. Even if this all was just a repeating dream, he had to make it right. Maybe then he could finally let go too. Jaehyun pushed the chair back, hearing it hit the ground with a loud thud, the calendar slipped out from a stack of paper again.
May, 22nd 2015.
Circled.
Fast steps carried him across the floor and he almost slipped before he could reach the door which he ripped open. Making him stumble forwards into his living room. Why wouldn't he remember where he had put both his phone and the clock? Where was—
The ringing of the doorbell ripped him out of his messy thoughts. He sprinted and once more almost slipped, reaching the front door just mere seconds after.
It was dark outside. And there he stood again. Alive and well. Wearing the exact same clothes like on that day.
Oh how he had missed him. Missed him standing there so awkwardly.
He must've looked at him in shock, eyes wide and big because now Inguk tilted his head in worry.
“Is something wrong?” He spoke. The first time he heard him talk after so long. And all he wanted to do was to cry and pull him close. Tell him how sorry he was. But no words came out, he was stuck in the moment, struck by who was there in front of him. So he shook his head and stepped aside, letting Inguk in. He closed the door then. Inclined to lock it up so he couldn't leave later.
At this point, Jaehyun would do anything to save him, even if it was just in a dream.
He followed him close by.
There it was again. The flowery scent that filled his senses. That would, together with the alcohol flowing through his blood, cloud his mind and play tricks on it.
The evening went about the same. They would talk, or dont talk , about the same things. They would exchange the same looks, the same touches. Everytime, Inguk would tense up just the same as before. And when they were so awfully tipsy, Jaehyun couldn't help but let his eyes wander, again. There were just so many things he hadn't taken in previously.
Like for example the small necklace, framing his neck, disappearing into the collar of the sweater. The hands that gripped the glass so tight or the eyes that looked so distant even though he was here, with him.
Why did he look that way and what made him die tonight? Was the expression on his face connected to what would happen later?
The next things that happened were just like back then. But why, when he laid down on the couch awaiting the kiss, there was none? Why was the warmth gone and why were they here, instead?
At a tunnel. Was it the tunnel he had mentioned in the manuscript?
At the tunnel where he turned around and asked him if he could hug him just once.
At the tunnel where he suddenly was alone, above him the ringing of an impending train.
At the train station when he saw it for the first time. His lifeless body lying there. Covered in blood.
He rose up from sleep, hair a mess, clinging to his sweaty forehead, choking. He felt as if he was choking. The image of him there on the ground, the blood- so much of it-, on his mind.
Taking deep breaths, he counted from backwards, from 10 to 1 and then forwards again. Trying to collect his thoughts.
There were two things he had now realised:
First: The watch. It , something , was connected to where and when he woke up in those strange dreams. Back to the funeral, making him take in the scent of all the flowers again. Hearing his grandmother cry out his name again.
The first time it had happened was when he had tried fixing the time but the hands got stuck at 10:40. The next time it happened was when he ran them back to 10:11.
And that one time he ran the time forwards, he woke up at the funeral.
The one and only time he got sent back to hours prior to the accident was when he ran back the time. How much could he even run back time? Was it something he should test out? How dangerous was it?
He maybe had figured out about the time.
Second: Something about the tunnel and the train. Something about those things were connected to his passing. But why did it happen?
What happened that night, the night of the accident. Was him dying not an accident? Had it been Inguk’s plan all along? Was him dying his plan? This whole time he wanted to leave, that night? He had to stop him. Even if it meant reliving the same moment over and over again, draining his energy, making him weak, tired and feel sick like he was on one of those large roller coasters. He couldn't just give up now, now that he had figured out how to play with the time, how to make the time work with him instead of against him.
He would go back and fix it. Jaehyun lifted the crystal against the dim light colouring the living room he woke up to.
Swinging himself off the couch, his feet dragged him over the cold floor. Jaehyun was shivering all over his body even though the house was warm. It was last spring overall. This was obviously all getting to him- but he had to get the hands fixed enough they would be able to bring him back in time to their friend's funeral. Or at least do something else about it.
Maybe he should go to the library tomorrow.
It was the next day. A Tuesday. He was barely able to stay awake, barely able to function at work. They had to send him home.
Instead of actually going to sleep, recharge, he went straight to the library. Wanting to know everything about time travelling. Maybe he looked crazy to others there. Hair so messy, rushing through each and every aisle. Pushing past people, accidentally stumbling against them as he pulled book after book out of the shelves and the basket filled itself up.
One of the books slipped right out of his hand, hit the floor.
Page 620- he was losing his mind.
Predestination Paradox:
It is defined as a situation when a traveller going back in time causes the event which he is trying to prevent from happening. It implies that any attempt to stop any event from occurring in the past would simply lead to the cause itself. The paradox suggests that things are destined to turn out the way they have happened and anyone attempting to change the past would find himself trapped in the repeating loop of time. For example, if you travel in the past to prevent your lover from dying in a road accident, you will find out that you were the one who accidentally ran over them.
So... this is what he was doing? How big were the chances he would just make everything worse? And get killed in return?
He chuckled to himself, running a hand through his hair. He would die for Inguk. And second, any moment. If it meant for him to stay alive
He didn't know how he got home. But there he stood now, in this empty place he had to call home.
Next to him, the stack of books. Everything about time travelling. All the things he could find.
And each time he would mess up again. And again and again. He would take the books to work, he would sit there during break swallowing each and every word. Read them all over again. He would pass out and wake up like nothing had happened. By now, his colleagues had noticed. Tried to talk to him. But he would push them aside. Oh he himself had long noticed the changes- in him. He was so agitated why nothing worked out the way he wanted it to. Travelling back and forth messed with him. Sleepless nights gave him headaches. The watch that, for whatever reason, didn't want to let itself get fixed. He just wanted to throw everything away and follow him.
It had felt so long, time passing, but when he checked the calendar only a few days had passed.
He was so angry. And it only got worse every second. If he hadn't been so stuck up back then, Inguk would still be alive. Here. He was angry about the life both had been stuck in. He was angry at the people who had hurled all those hurtful words at his best friend in middle school, in highschool, made those strange distasteful jokes. None of them knew just how much they had hurt, how real they were- Jaehyun did not neither back then. But now he did.
It chimed midnight once. And god how much he hated the sound of the clock on the wall. Then again. The ringing echoing in his ears. Jaehyun was sick of it, he wanted it gone. In rage, he got up from the chair making it fall over and hit the ground, then reached out, pushing a stack of paper from the table in return. Forcefully, he ripped the clock from where it hung. Before it could chime once again, he hurled it against the wall.
Shattered, it fell to the ground. Its hands twitching, stuck now at 6:20.
He was definitely going crazy.
He definitely was because now everything around him was filled with quiet chatters.
The watch on his wrist showed 6:20 pm. He looked up to the portrait. It wasn't Inguk anymore. It was the day of their friend's funeral.
When they would meet again, after 3 years. How did he get here? No matter how much he tried coming up with a solution, he couldn't.
But he was there, at least. The only thing that mattered.
And he could start again, carefully.
When he would go outside now, they would cross paths. He would sit down on the bench, hand Inguk a cup of coffee and then they would exchange numbers.
But this time, he didn't call him. He didn't make him turn around, being met with sad eyes. Jaehyun watched him making his way across the pavement, disappearing into the shadows of the trees. He smiled at the phone's screen before slipping it back into the pocket of his pants and took the keys of his car out in return.
He promised to himself to call him in exactly 3 days. He would call him from work. Just like Inguk had expressed in those pages that smelled like lilies. He would tell him the truth, he wouldn't dance around his feelings anymore.
Maybe he would mess up once more, maybe he would mess up many many times again. Maybe it would take him a few more tries until he got Inguk where he wanted him to be. But the watch around his wrist was ticking again and the crack was gone, too.
However, that happened.
All he had to do was try until Inguk would stay, until he would overcome his own fear and reciprocate the hug. Letting them become one in the tunnel. He would listen to him confess and then his heart would pick up at speed because he was afraid he would lose him again. But he wouldn't. He couldn't.
When Jaehyun saw Inguk disappear between the shadows of the trees, he too got up, brushed the non existing dirt from his clothes and lifted his head up, towards the sky where the sun shone bright. He let a few of its rays dance on his skin and warm his face.
The cicadas buzzed when he made his way over to his car.
I have missed you.
It was 3 days later. By now, Inguk must've written his last chapter. Writing about the ocean and reminiscing about their days spent there in a past long gone. He still remembered every single thing he had read in the manuscript left behind and it all started with him calling Inguk from work.
That's where he would start and then, gradually and carefully, work his way through every single thing Inguk had begged from him. Maybe this way he could ultimately prevent 10:11 from happening. Maybe this way, too, was the easiest way for him to stand true to his own feelings.
To apologise for letting him down so many times.
The line at the other end clicked, an exhausted sounding voice replying with a quiet yes?
It was strange hearing his voice like that, so real and close, again. Last time was 9 years ago when he had invited him home. Just a few hours before the accident.
“Long time no see” He began, letting it linger in the air. It probably sounded ridiculous to his best friend. “I have to tell you something different. It's important, I wouldn't want to discuss it to you over the phone. Why don't you come over to my work?” Jaehyun smiled. How he wished he could see Inguk’s face now, reacting to the words he spoke. How it was exactly what he had written down in the manuscript he probably had just put aside. When he didn't get any reply, he added a
“I will text you the address.” then hung up, keeping the phone pressed to his ear just a little longer. Only when someone in the back, a colleague, called for him did he let go. All he now had to do was hoping. Hoping he would come. Every and each moment, his eyes would drift to the big window front allowing him to have a good view at the street. Either it took Inguk too long, too long to convince himself to actually go there, or Jaehyun had become increasingly paranoid over the course of every life he went through. Worrying way too much.
And then he looked back up again and Inguk stood there, wearing the same clothes he wore 9 years ago. Of course he was, waving at him with a shy awkward smile he had missed seeing so much on him. Making his heart feel both at ease and full and heavy and empty at the same time. He should never ever lose it again. And if Jaehyun himself would ever be the reason again he would make sure to pay the price. Inguk’s love was way too pure to go to waste, just like that. He deserved to stay alive.
Reciprocating the smile, he gestured to him to take the side entrance. Wasn't it just like in those pages? Was Inguk getting suspicious of it? Was Jaehyun messing it up like that?
And so they sat there, just like it was written down. Inguk to his left, looking around, getting to know his workplace. Then he leaned over the table- not too much as it was cluttered with important documents- and watched Jaehyun. Watched every move and followed every gesture with his eyes. Looked up to him. Jaehyun knew what was happening just now- how he got lost in his eyes but he didn't mind. It was a welcoming feeling. He caught him staring when turned around and with a beating heart, lifted his left hand. There was no ring anymore. It was empty just like it was that day when he lost him first. But this time he spoke the truth. No longer hiding under lies. Because the person next to him deserved nothing but the best in the world, no lies and to live on with him in the future.
Inguk quietly looked at his fingers, nothing much of a reaction- at least that’s what others would say. Jaehyun knew better. From the corner of his eyes he could see him stare in disbelief. By now, he definitely should have catched up on what was going on. How wouldn't he, when it was so evident? When it was so evident how the story, his wishes, overlapped with reality now. If he knew, he kept it a secret. If he didnt, he surely was a bad author who didn't even know his own story.
They went home together afterwards. They sit down on the floor, in front of the table and filled their glasses over and over again. Until their faces were flushed, again. So close- when Jaehyun couldn't help but have those thoughts again. When he stared at Inguk’s neck again, eye trailing down the line to where the necklace fell over his collarbones and disappeared into the collar of his sweater. Unlike last time, he couldn't hold back, so reached out and brushed over the cold material, feeling just how tensed up the other one became under the touch. How he didn't look at him while the delicate material glid through his fingers and fell back into place once Jaehyun let go. He wanted to say something but the words were messy in his head. Inguk didn't say anything either.
Nobody said a word.
Maybe they were doomed to be like this forever, from the beginning. Caught in the same moment, to experience the same feelings again. Maybe he had messed with time too much, now everything had become a mess too.
Jaehyun just smiled at him then before letting off of him. Feeling just how relaxed the other one was now again.
The stars danced around his vision once again when he laid down on the couch, before falling into a light sleep, just enough for him to still feel and hear what happened around him.
Just like the last past life, Inguk didn't bend over him, didn't try to kiss him. Instead he felt this warm familiar touch on his wrist. Carefully placing something around it. When he opened his eyes just slightly- not to disturb and scare Inguk away- he saw him fastening the wristband of the watch. It sat heavy there. But the crystal was untouched. No cracks. Only the worn out leather.
He would keep it safe up until the day they would meet again.
Inguk’s fingers then slide over his skin, circling around his knuckles before intertwining their fingers, slowly. It was a feeling that made him warm up. Jaehyun could see him smile just a bit, from the corner of his eyes. It was beautiful- for him personally, it had just felt as if he got engaged once more.
Maybe this was what Inguk also noticed because the next moment the smile left his face and he pulled away, a little rough. Then buried his face in his hands. Shaking his head over and over again.
And Jaehyun couldn't do much except to watch, in fear of what could follow if he would react this very moment. Recalling the first time .
“I will leave now.” Fabric rustled and feet shuffled over the ground. He couldn't let him go like that. Not this time. So he got up. Vision blurred for a moment before he swung himself from the comfort of the couch down to his feet. Reaching the other one by the door in fast steps to block his way. To block him from leaving like that.
“I will come with you” Only gaining him a look of something that screamed to please leave him alone from Inguk. But he didn't say anything so he joined, bending down to put on his shoes when he saw it. The clock he had been looking for. With its broken display, the hands ticked back and forth. It made him stop in his movements, brought those awful headaches, making him take deep breaths. Flashes of something awfully bright passed by his visions, ringing echoing in his ears.
What had he done? No matter how much he tried to remember, he couldn't. How did he get here? What was the ticking he heard, the ringing?
When Jaehyun came back, Inguk had crouched down too, already. The previous replaced with worry now, a hand lifted but not touching. Inguk’s eyes searched his.
“Is everything-”
“Let's go.” He stumbled up on his feet again. Maybe if he would get away from this place, from the clock, it would stop hurting. Maybe the cold fresh air outside could bring him back to his senses again.
It was dark outside as they silently walked next to each other. He took a look at the watch around his wrist again. Reminding him when he had lost Inguk. Reminding him how. So Jaehyun reached out, fingers only- barely brushing - his but Inguk drew back immediately. Taking fast steps forwards before he stopped.
No, he couldn't let it end like this again. He couldn't let him go, just like that. He had done everything right, hadn't he?
“There is something I never got to say to you…” Inguk’s voice trembled. “Can I just hug you once?” The same voice, so desperate, so broken and ruined by things he had done. Wanted to do. Ruined by words of others, words that had settled deep inside his best friends soul as baggage.
Jaehyun didn't even have to say yes because he charged at him either way. Arms desperately wrapped around him and face buried inside the crook of his neck. Jaehyun felt his warm and wet cheek pressed against his skin there, heard the shaking breaths and felt the beating of his heart pressed against his chest. It was impossible to ignore all the things it moved inside of him.
And Jaehyun lifted his arm and let fingers run through Inguk’s soft hair, slowly travelling down to place his hand around his neck. The other arm tightly wrapped around the other one's waist.
“I know. You don't have to tell me. I read it all.” Jaehyun whispered quietly, pulling him closer just a bit more. “Stay like this as long as you want. I don't mind.” It was as if time stood still once. But when he lifted his wrist the watch showed 10:11
I will wait for you here. Don't you forget. He whispered, once more.
Above, it rang. And then a train passed. At 10:11 pm
______________________________
Pain jolting through his body made him wake up, making him almost fall down from the couch. That was strange, he was pretty sure he fell asleep at the desk. Frowning, he looked to the side. The place next to him was empty but it was alright. Because the watch on his wrist was ticking, the display was just as pristine as the day they had gifted it to each other. The dial showed 9:30. It was evening.
If everything worked out the way it was supposed to, he would meet by 10:11 pm. In less than an hour. He slipped into his shoes and pocketed both his phone and the keys to his home. Then he rushed out, his feet carrying him faster than everything. When he arrived there, at the tunnel, it was empty. Of course it was, he was there way too early. He paced the tunnel up and down, on repeat
It was a warm summer evening on a Wednesday when the clock hit 10:11 and footsteps echoed through the tunnel. They were right under the bridge now like the very first time they parted ways. Right under the bridge mentioned in the pages.
Jaehyun had let Inguk go, so many times, so many wasted moments, so many times he didn't do the right thing. But tonight, tonight it was different. Tonight they stood here. A fresh breeze of wind brushed through their hair as he kept a firm grip on his best friend and the one he loved so dearly.
More than time. More than fate.
After so many trials and errors, they had finally reunited. Embraced in a warm hug. The same day he was supposed to lose him
Tunnel drowned in warm light as Jaehyun whispered.
“I have missed you”
On the table at home, the box with the manuscript set. Sealed with a red ribbon.
—May 22nd 2024