Chapter Text
“I can’t believe he would say that to you, Kelli!”, Joanne said as she took a bite of my breakup pizza. “I mean, I thought he really liked you! You'd think that after two whole years, he would have said if he was unhappy?” I wanted to laugh a little despite how awful I felt because of how right she was. I had thought that Darin and I’s relationship was built on mutual love and respect; but at the end of the day, he hadn't even bothered to tell me he wanted to see other people before bringing his new girlfriend home. The pain of his betrayal had me wanting to swear off dating entirely. Instead, I opted to respond to Joanne’s comment with a bit of sarcasm to cover some of my upset.
“I mean yeah, clearly he must have really really liked me, to tell me I had no place in our home.” I scoffed, “I’m sure he just felt he had no other choice than to cheat on me, rather than say he wanted to break up!” I felt tears start to stream down my face and immediately started trying to wipe them away. Joanne gently grabbed my hands and pulled me in for a hug. I broke down into body-shaking sobs. I didn’t know what to do anymore, anytime I thought of Darin my heart broke all over again.
“You know” Joanne started, “nothing you could have done would have prevented him from doing this right?” I wanted to scream at her that she was wrong, that Darin and I’s relationship had always been great, and that something must’ve happened for him to do this. But, I also knew that even if Darin was unhappy, he never told me, never communicated that something was wrong. He never even tried to reach out and repair our, supposedly, fracturing relationship. I also knew that Joanne was just trying to comfort me, so I nodded my agreement and continued to hold onto her.
“It’s just,” I began speaking but my voice broke with a sob, “ I loved him. I wanted to marry him, to spend my life with him. I wanted to have kids, to buy a house and car and boat. I wanted the picture-perfect life I knew we would never have. But it wouldn’t matter if that dream never came true because I would still be with the love of my life, with him.” I heard Joanne inhale a surprised breath and looked up to see her shocked face. I wondered what was so shocking about what I had said. Just as I was about to ask, she spoke.
“I didn’t realize.” her voice came to an abrupt stop. “No, I guess I didn’t want to realize,” she continued, “How serious you were about him. I guess to me, it always seemed like you two would break up.” She looked like she wanted to say more but she stopped herself. I was in shock, I couldn’t believe what she had just said. I wondered if Darin and I’s relationship had truly looked so fragile to outside observers. If everything I thought about our relationship was made up in my mind. Then, suddenly, I felt a kind of primal rage I had never known before take hold of me.
“What, you were just waiting for me and him to break up? The whole time, through the good and the bad, you were hoping for our downfall?” I was so furious I was shaking as I pushed myself away from Joanne. She looked stunned like my rage was the last thing she expected to see. I kept going, “Were you ever going to tell me that you apparently thought me and Darin were destined for failure? That our relationship looked so awful from the outside that you thought we wouldn't last!” I started toward the door when Joanne grabbed my wrist tightly.
“That wasn't what I meant!” she rushed out, “Or, I guess, that's not how I meant it. It's just you and Darin were constantly at odds Kelli! Every time I asked how things were, all you had to say was how Darin did this or that thing that upset you! I guess, I just thought that at some point you guys would break up and you could finally be happy.” She concluded with some desperation, gripping my wrist even tighter. I felt my rage evaporate like it was a physical thing. I took a breath, trying to hold back another fit of sobs. I know that Joanne cares for me; and that seeing how badly Darin and I’s fights affected me, must’ve been awful for her. I just never realized how much my pain was hurting her too. My body felt hot all over with embarrassment for how angry I had gotten with her.
“I - I’m sorry,” I started, “I just - I don’t know what to do anymore.” I looked down to where Joanne was gripping my wrist. “I didn’t think that the hard times between Darin and me mattered all that much in the long run. I thought that every fight we had was worth it because we still chose each other in the end.” I flicked my gaze up from Joanne’s hand to look into her eyes. They looked saddened and pained; like my proclamation had truly hurt her in some immeasurable way. I continued, “I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving him. I don’t think I know how.” The confession broke me, tears streaming down my face again. “I can’t help it, I know that parts of our relationship were unhealthy. But I truly believed that Darin and I could make it, that we were each other’s forever.” Joanne let go of my hand to hold my face.
“He wasn’t worth it.” She said severely, her tone laced with anger. “He didn’t deserve you, your time, your effort, but most of all your love.” Her voice was but a whisper towards the end, her eyes looking steady into mine. “He didn’t deserve your love, Okay? You need to understand that, even if you felt like he was your destiny, he never treated you like he was. He hurt you, over and over. Even if you can’t see that now I know you will one day. I’ll always be here for you okay? But I can’t watch you break yourself for someone who doesn't care.” I didn’t know how to respond. Joanne’s earnest words left me utterly speechless.