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I wake up to a little girl jumping up and down on the bed. She puts her lips around my ear and asks in a normal volume, "Mama, is it time to go to the wedding yet?"
"Excellent whispering skills, Ana,” I say, trying to wake myself up enough to figure out what is going on. I look at the clock. “No, honey, it’s not time yet.”
I’m more alert now. A wedding. I haven’t been to a wedding in a while. I search for a minute. It’s Daisy Smith's cousin’s wedding. And he’s marrying… He’s marrying Rhiannon. My Rhiannon.
“Uh, let’s go down and get you some Cheerios, okay?” Ana zooms down the stairs while I extricate myself from my blankets, trying not to wake the sleeping man and woman next to me. I go downstairs to give Ana the Cheerios I promised. One bowl to eat, plus another handful just to play with. While she’s busy making a flower out of the playing cereal, I find Daisy's laptop and log into my email.
Logan’s already emailed me, telling me today they’re the janitor at NASA headquarters, but I don’t have time to read the whole email. It’ll have to wait until tomorrow. I send them a message.
Remember the girl I told you about, Rhiannon, the one I told about me. The one I fell in love with. I’m supposed to go to her wedding today. -A
I feel like I should send something more. Something about how I’m handling all this, how I feel. But I haven’t got a damn idea how I feel, so I send it as is. They reply quickly.
Oh my god. Wow, that’s…that’s heavy. What are you going to do? I’m in Washington still. I could maybe make it if you want. My number today is 202-457-0000 if you need me. Love you. -Logan
I text them to say they don’t need to come, I’ll figure it out. As for what I’m going to do, there’s only one choice. I have to go. I can’t not go. I just can’t. I don’t know that going will be a good idea, but I know that I can’t sit here and ignore what’s happening. Besides, Daisy should see her cousin get married.
The man, Daisy’s husband, walks into the kitchen. “Hey, peanut,” he says, kissing Ana on the top of her head.
“Wedding day! It’s wedding day, Daddy!” Ana shouts.
“Wedding day!” Paul joins. He kisses me on the cheek. “Jamie woke up. Maria’s feeding him. They’ll be down in a minute. And then,” he says, grabbing my arm and spinning me around, “Wedding day!” I smile at him.
I still think about her a lot. Not every day. Not anymore, but a lot. I avoid looking her up on the internet because I know it’ll make me crazy. I’m glad she didn’t become a famous movie star or anything like that. I couldn’t handle seeing her that way all the time.
Ana wants to leave now, but I tell her we won’t even start getting ready for another two hours. She looks devastated. “We can watch Mommy, Daddy and I's wedding video one more time before we get our dresses on." This brightens her up a bit.
When Daisy told her Adam was getting married and they were going to go to a wedding, Ana had looked worried. “I’ve never been to a wedding before, Mama.” Daisy had soothed her, telling her it was okay. Ana was always worrying she wouldn’t know how to act. It was Maria’s idea to show Ana their wedding video so she’d know what to expect. Since then, Ana has watched it constantly.
I watch with her, it looks lovely, but I can’t focus. Maria comes downstairs five minutes in with the baby. Logan texts me a couple times, but I tell them I’m okay. I get to watch her on the happiest day of her life without her having to know I’m there. I’m sure she still wonders about me, but I stopped being a part of her life a long, long time ago. She doesn’t need to think about me. She’s moved on with Adam now. I’m glad. I genuinely am.
When the video finishes, it’s still a little early to be getting ready, but I know there’s no stopping a 4-year-old determined to wear a pretty dress now. She races up to her room to get it out of her closet. Maria stops me on my way to follow her and wraps me in her arms. Paul comes over to us. “I’ve seen that video more times than I would’ve chosen to in the last six months, but it really was a beautiful day,” he says and kisses us both. I kiss Maria too. It’s nice, standing here in their embrace. The moment ends with Ana’s wail from upstairs, saying she can’t find her dress. Paul goes upstairs to help her just as Ana’s screams are matched by the baby's.
Finally, the chaos calms and everyone is changed into their “fancy party clothes,” as Maria keeps calling them. Just getting ready has distracted me enough. I haven’t even figured out what I’m going to say to Rhiannon when I see her. Maybe I’ll just keep it brief. It’s their wedding day. They don’t have time to be talking to all the cousins anyway—Daisy and Adam have a big family. At the ceremony, I’ll just tell them both I’m happy for them and move on.
Traffic to the hall is busy, which is now giving me plenty of time to realize how nervous I am. My nerves are only matched by Ana's, terrified we’ll miss it if we don’t go faster.
We do make it in plenty of time. I choose seats for us near the back on the groom’s side. I take out Daisy’s phone to text Logan. I tell them I’m at the wedding and I won’t be texting much until after, but not to worry about me and I hope NASA has some cool stuff for them to snoop around in and maybe they can sneak into space. I shut off the phone and take Maria’s hand. I don’t want Logan to worry about me, but that doesn’t mean my stomach isn’t still doing somersaults. I’ve imagined meeting her again, but never like this.
The wedding should start in five minutes and Jamie starts to cry. I take him from Paul and go out into the hallway. I rock him back and forth, trying to calm him down.
“Awww, don’t worry, Jamie. You’re not the first person to cry on my wedding day,” she says over my shoulder. I turn around and see her. She looks magnificent. She could be walking down the aisle in sweatpants and look amazing, but the radiance that comes with her utter joy in addition to putting on a gown and having people fussing over her hair and makeup all day has made her look magical.
I stammer for a second, unprepared for this, but I choke out, “Happy tears. He’s just happy for you."
“Me too, Jamie. I’m happy for me too."
She touches my arm to show she’s happy Daisy’s here too. Jamie has quieted down, so I head back in to the hall, avoiding looking Rhiannon directly in the eye.
For the whole ceremony, I just watch her. I try not to think about what she’s been doing since the last time I saw her. That’s never a safe road for my mind to go down. But however she got to today, she’s clearly doing well. She looks not just happy, not just wedding-day-happy, but content. Satisfied. I want to kiss her. That was predictable. But on top of wanting to kiss her, I’m also just so happy that she’s happy. It’s all I have ever wanted.
Instead of a big entrance for the newlyweds, they greet everyone coming into the reception. I hug Adam and then I grab Rhiannon’s hand. “I’m so happy for you,” I say. I hope she doesn’t notice my eyes are welling up with tears. Being near her again is overwhelming.
I can barely eat my dinner, but once the toasts are through and the traditional first dance, Ana wants to dance too. She doesn’t want to dance alone, so we dance, as a family. They seem happy too, this five person family I’ve joined for the day. I watch Rhiannon more than I should. I even stare so long once that Ana pulls on my dress so I won’t stop dancing. Daisy bought a twirly skirt for the wedding and I spin around and around until I need to sit down. Rhiannon slinks up next to me and sits down.
“I had a weird feeling you’d be here somewhere today."
“What?” I splutter.
“I’m glad you are. All the most important people in my life are here today. Let’s not talk. Too messy. Come dance with me."
I don’t say no. I let her lead me onto the floor. And we dance. She’s right. We can’t talk. I don’t want her distracted by my presence. If we met any other day, it would have to be all about that, but today, we can just coexist. Our story is over, it has to be, but we can take one more day to just be.
Ana’s tired herself out and is falling asleep in Paul’s arms. It’s time to go.
I hug her one last time. “Goodbye, Rhiannon."
“Thank you for being here. Goodbye. Goodbye, A."