Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Step one: realize you and your best friend are pining idiots

“Tsukasa!! Help me move this!” A loud, bubbly voice echoes across the stage. Tsukasa had just gotten backstage to put some props away, as the troupe does after their shows, and he had only left for barely a moment before hearing Emu yell out for him. Sighing, Tsukasa runs back on stage, seeing Emu trying to pick up one of the bigger background props all by herself. The thing is taller than her, probably almost weighs the same as her too. 

She picked it up.

But not before stumbling around with it a second after. 

“EMU! PUT THAT DOWN!!” Tsukasa huffs out a breath of air before running up to Emu, slowly letting the big prop back down. “You couldn’t have waited a single second longer for me? Nevermind, let’s move this backstage now!”

Emu let out a clueless giggle and a cheery ‘Okay!’ before grabbing back onto the prop, and with the help of Tsukasa this time, lifting it back up and successfully moving it backstage with relative ease. Not without a few bumps though, as Tsukasa was walking backwards and Emu was a bit vague when directing Tsukasa. However, they got better as they continued to move the large props back.

Cleaning took a lot longer than it usually did, twice as long. Probably because their troupe was cut in half. Somewhere else, Rui and Nene were working on some repairs on Robo-Nene. For some reason, they both had to leave. But it was fine, really, as their leader, Tsukasa was sure that he and Emu would be able to clean up without them just fine. Except for the fact it kind of took a little longer than he expected. And a lot more energy.

But after everything was said and done, Tsukasa took it upon himself to rest by sitting on the edge of the wonderlands stage drinking out of a bottle of water he got backstage. It’s difficult to run shows while dehydrated after all. He simply looked out, it was sunset now, the bottom of the sun just barely hitting the horizon. The sky looked all glowy, beautiful pinks, oranges, and yellows lit up the sky, and you could see the moon and stars if you looked up into the sky. The fleeting sunlight softly hits Tsukasa and the stage, keeping the day warm and glowing for its final moments.

Tsukasa took a long sip out of his water bottle. It was truly gorgeous out, the only thing that felt wrong was that he was sitting there and taking it all in by himself. Tsukasa looked around him, he was alone at the stage. It felt a little weird since they’re usually all together, but it wasn’t like he was alone alone. Emu was backstage doing god knows what and Rui and Nene were working on Robo-Nene for their next show. He wasn’t alone anymore, he had his friends here with him.

Well, not at the moment, but in spirit.

Thinking about his friends, Tsukasa started to hear the sound of rapid footsteps getting closer and closer to him. Quickly whipping his head around would reveal it to be the only other person there with him at the stage, Emu. 

She was running towards him. Very fast.

Deciding to try to save himself from getting tackled, he drops his water and braces himself as Emu quite literally launches herself onto the boy, trapping him into a very aggressive hug.

“Tsukasa!!” You’d think for such a tiny person Emu wouldn’t be as strong as she is, yet Tsukasa is left straining while being held in a tight hug, he barely is able to choke out a response that isn’t needed as Emu continues to speak. “Oh, you got water!”

Tsukasa exhales deeply as soon as Emu lets him go to look at the bottle of water that was dropped only a few seconds ago.

“Well… I had water,” The bottle lays in a small puddle of spilt water, “It’s fine! I had enough to drink, and I got you your own as well.” Tsukasa offers a sealed bottle of water that he had brought out along with his own. After a small yet cheery ‘thanks!’, Emu happily takes the bottle from him and starts to drink it.

Much isn’t said after that, sitting in silence at the edge of the stage.

You’d think two people as energetic as them would be constantly booming with energy, but sometimes, as they had found out, it’s simply better to sit in relative silence with each other. No longer alone, yet at times share that fleeting feeling of abandonment. Not much left to say, maybe occasional comments if something comes up and sparks a small conversation, but mostly sitting next to each other gave them both that mutual comfort.

They sat there quietly, the gentle glow of the disappearing sun and exhaust of the shows left them feeling tiredly mellow, having a lot of their energy spent on performing show after show. Emu was humming a song that she had sung during the show and Tsukasa attentively listened, at times joining in to hum along. Though after a while, Emu had stopped, looked over to Tsukasa and started to say something to him.

“Y’know, today was really fun!” She finishes her water with a final sip, swinging her feet and looking brightly at Tsukasa. Emu hadn’t been in many parts of the shows today, but it seemed that it made no difference to her. She always had fun in shows. “And I think Nene looked really pretty on stage too!”

Hm? Pretty? Well, Tsukasa would say so, but he never really paid much attention to that.

“Well of course today was fun! They always are, right?” Tsukasa guesses she just wanted to make some small talk about the performances they did today, Emu was watching for a lot of them anyways. She probably had some comments on how they did, no matter how vague they were. “Nene sang really well today, she’d been practicing non-stop and it really paid off.”

“She always sings well! And she looked… really really pretty!” Seems like that comment sparked something in Emu, she had a weird glint in her eyes that Tsukasa couldn’t really put his finger on but it was definitely intense. “She has a very pretty voice, don’t you think? It’s so um… hypnotizing! Everytime she sings I can’t help but wanna stop and listen!!’

Sometime during her little speech, Emu had shoved herself closer to Tsukasa, excitedly waving her hands around. And Tsukasa was taken aback, quite literally, having to lean backwards to not get hit by one of Emu’s hands.

“Oh, yes, she’s definitely grown a lot when it comes to her singing abilities!” He doesn’t really know what Emu’s getting at, she thinks Nene is pretty, and that she has a good singing voice. Tsukasa can certainly say that he agrees with the second part (he’s seriously proud of Nene, she’s come very far!). It’s not like Nene isn’t good looking, he’s just never put much thought into her appearance. While he’s never felt like it needed to be mentioned, you could definitely say she was pretty. “And I do think you looked pretty good on stage as well!”

“Yeah well, Nene was much prettier!” Emu huffed as she toyed with her empty water bottle’s cap. Was Tsukasa missing something? Why was she being so persistent about how pretty Nene was?

Could it be that Emu’s jealous ?

Tsukasa’s pretty sure that Emu’s considered cute by most, both of them get compliments on their appearance almost equally if he can remember correctly. He would have never thought Emu to be a jealous type of person, but is that what this whole ‘Nene is very, really pretty’ stuff is about?

“Um, Emu, you look… pretty too, y’know?” Tsukasa tries to reassure her, they’re both pretty girls so it’s not like he’s just saying it to make her feel better. Yet Emu does nothing but huff again.

“No, it’s not like…” Emu mumbles and her eyebrows furrow. She backs off and looks away for a moment, her eyes flicker from side to side, not really looking at anything as much as trying to recollect her thoughts.

Oh, so that wasn’t what she meant? While Tsukasa was glad that there wouldn’t be any bad feelings between troupemates, he was definitely still confused. They sit there in a slightly uncomfortable silence, every now and then Tsukasa would glance over to a very focused looking Emu waiting for her to say something.

And suddenly, she brightens up, as if she’s realized something. Tsukasa could swear he saw a lightbulb appear above her head for a second. Or maybe it was just the sun playing tricks on him.

“No, I think she’s pretty in a way that makes me feel like ‘GAHH’!” And as if to further enunciate her point, Emu waves her hands around. And Tsukasa does nothing but stare at her.

Makes her feel like… ‘gah’? What does that mean? Is that supposed to be good? She probably means it in a good way right? ‘Gah’? What even is that? It’s more of a point of exclamation than a descriptive word for a feeling. He can definitely say that he doesn’t feel like that whenever he looks at Nene. Tsukasa tries to think how he would use that word to describe his feelings.

Maybe for Rui? Sometimes he gets a jumpy feeling around him, or when Rui scares him or something he yells in a way that kind of sounds like ‘gah!’.

Tsukasa isn’t sure he gets it, Emu thinks Nene is pretty and that makes her feel like ‘gah’. Does it mean she gets nervous with her as he does with Rui? I mean, ‘gah’ is kind of a weird sound, does she feel weird about it? Emu thinks Nene is so pretty she gets nervous and feels weird?

Wait.

Wait.

“Emu, would you say that you, um, like Nene?” Tsukasa asks, but he’s not sure what kind of answer he’s looking for.

“Well, of course I do, she’s our troupe mate! She always does really good in our shows, and she sings really well, and she’s really nice, and she’s really, really pretty!”

“Er, well no, I meant like… do you like like her? Like in a different way..”

Emu simply stared blankly at Tsukasa until she had processed what he had asked.

“Do you mean like in a crush way?”

Slowly, Tsukasa nodded.

Then Emu just looked away, somewhat dropping her head, eyebrows furrowed. Again, sending them both into a slightly uncomfortable silence.

Tsukasa wasn’t sure what he was expecting, of course Emu would be putting actual thought into it, because she was Emu, but it’s not like she feels like that right? Two girls? Wouldn’t that be a little weird?

Just as Tsukasa was finishing that thought, he looked over and saw Emu’s face again. In seconds, it went from focused, like the way she did before, but instead of brightening, Tsukasa could see how Emu’s face softened when she came to a realization. Lifting her head to face Tsukasa again, not only did he see that she was blushing , but he saw one of the biggest smiles on her face too.

“Oh, well, I guess I do, don’t I?”

Hm, seems like he wasn’t exactly right before.

But he was still a little confused.

“Ah, but you’re both… girls?”

“Yeah, we are?”

“So, do you… like girls?” 

Emu says nothing but lets out a small ‘oh’, before turning her face away from Tsukasa again. Yet it wasn’t like the other two times she had done it, looking away as a means to think. She looked… sad? Turning herself away like she was suddenly ashamed to have said anything, like she had realized what she said was something stupid or wrong.

It felt weird seeing Emu like that. And suddenly, Tsukasa was the one who felt ashamed; for reacting in a distasteful way. While he didn’t know much about stuff like that , he knew that Emu was one of the most happy and kind people that he’s ever met. Yes, he’s a bit confused to say the least, they all live in Japan and the topic of homosexuality isn’t commonly discussed, and even when it is, the nicest things weren’t always said. He’s only ever heard about it in off handed comments, boys making fun of each other during school, maybe some small references or jokes on TV. That kind of negativity had left a bad taste in his mouth but he didn’t really have much else to go off of, he was never shown homosexuality in a positive light and that was that. 

But then he looks at Emu, one of the people in his life that serves as a beacon of hope and joy, recognizes one of her feelings as taboo and wrong and being ashamed it… doesn’t feel right. 

It feels like everything negative he’s ever heard just softly fades away with the passing breeze as he looks at her. Yes, he doesn’t totally get it, but that’s his friend, that’s Emu . Really, when he thinks about it, it’s just love. He’s not going to tell her off just because she loves someone. Even if that someone is a girl. Even if that someone is Nene. It’s a bit of a bizarre idea, but he’s willing to put the slight uncomfortness aside for his friend. Because it’s just love. And ultimately, how bad could that truly be?

After a while, Emu began to speak up again

“Um, you can forget that I said-”

“No! This is clearly important to you!” Tsukasa reaches out for Emu, one of his hands landing on her shoulder. “ Emu, it’s fine that you like girls, or rather that you like Nene. It’s not like it changes much about you, you’re still going to be Emu to me.”

Tsukasa could feel Emu untense, and then launched herself into Tsukasa’s arms. She lets out a loud sobbing sound as she grips Tsukasa, he feels that one of these days she’s going to break one of his ribs with these deathly hugs. Yet he hugs back, wrapping his arms around her and squeezing as hard as he can for a second before he goes to gently rub her back. He didn’t get to vocalize all his thoughts before getting tackled for the second time but it seems like Emu had gotten the message just fine.

Eventually Emu pulls back, but not without one final wringing squeeze. They still sit close together, with Emu’s hands resting on Tsukasa’s shoulders and Tsukasa’s fingertips just barely reaching her back. Emu smiles at him, though her eyes are still a little red and Tsukasa is able to see how her eyes are a bit watery.

“I don’t know what I was so worried about! Of course you of all people would understand!” Emu giggles, and Tsukasa, not wanting to ruin the moment yet confused, laughs along for a quick second. What does she mean by ‘you of all people’?

“Well as might be expected of a proper friend! You shouldn’t shy away from confiding in me!” Tsukasa smiles, “But me of all people?”

“Yes? You just accepted it, like really easily! It’s because of you and Rui, right?”

“What… about me and Rui?”

Emu looked at him funny, like he was making some kind of strange joke, then stated, “you like him?”

“I- what?” Tsukasa was dumbfounded, he just stared back at Emu more mystified than ever. Surely Emu didn’t mean that. Surely she didn’t mean it in the way he thought she meant it. Right?

“Y’know! You and Rui like me and Nene? I like Nene, you like Rui?”

Hm, no, it seems like she certainly did mean it in that way.

“You think… that I like Rui? In the way you like Nene? …You think I like Rui?!” Tsukasa. Liking Rui? He was a bit stunned, it seemed almost as ridiculous when Emu first admitted that she liked Nene. What could he have possibly done to make her think that he liked Rui in a more-than-friends way, in the same way she liked Nene? No, that doesn’t make much sense to him, liking Rui like that. And he certainly doesn’t even like other boys like that, he’s… straight, he thinks that’s what the word is. Sure, maybe he’s never been in love with any other girl before, but that’s just because he’s a little young to be thinking of love. Right? No, definitely. He’s straight.

“You don’t?”

“No?!”

They stare at each other for a second.

“Tsukasa, y’know I’m not so-”

“No!” Tsukasa shook his head aggressively. His face felt a little hot, why did his face feel hot? “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Emu eyed him suspiciously.

“Okay! whatever you say!” Emu crosses her arms and smiles at him, “but I’m just saying, friends don’t look at each other like that.”

“Look at each other like what?”

“Like you’re about to kiss,” Emu goes on to make an annoyingly loud smooching sound with her lips. And now Tsukasa cannot deny that his face was definitely very red.

“What? No. No! No, we do not!” Tsukasa’s voice is loud and it’s surprising he hasn’t burst anybody’s eardrums yet, not so surprisingly though, Emu doesn’t flinch at his loud antics. “We- we aren’t like that!”

“Hm, whatever helps you sleep at night!”

“EMU.”

“I’m just saying! You helped me realize I liked Nene, maybe I’m just trying to help you too Tsukasa!” She laughs, yet he can tell there’s an underlying seriousness to what she says.

Tsukasa gets it, he really does. Wanting to help his friends, wanting them to be happy, it’s something ingrained in him. But he just… doesn’t like Rui like that. Because he was straight. And he liked girls. Well, not now but he’s sure he’ll find someone eventually. All that really matters is that he doesn’t like boys, he doesn’t like Rui…

How do they even look at each other? Is it weird to look at your friends? He must certainly look weirdly at Rui if Emu mentioned it. To be fair, he guesses they do make substantial amounts of eye contact. During shows or rehearsals, in various types of crowds looking for each other, or even when they’re just alone… it always feels a little bit different when he looks at him. He can feel something strange bubble up inside of him and he swears he can see how Rui’s eyes soften when they look at each other. Now that he thinks about it, Rui does have very pretty looking eyes.

But in a friend way. All that eye contact is totally a normal friend thing.

“You’re thinking about it.” Emu simply states as she pokes at Tsukasa’s head, he gently swats her hand away.

“Stop it.”

“Hmph, well let’s not think too hard about it.” Emu has an idea, because she knows she’s right and she will prove this to him. “What do you think of Rui?”

“He’s our friend and troupe mate, of course I would think highly of him, like I do the rest of you. I’m grateful I was able to meet him, bring him back to our troupe, and have him as a director for our shows. I’m sure you already know, but he is incredibly smart. Sometimes his inventions scare me, but in all honesty I love them all. And I trust that they would never cause any harm to me or anybody else. He always gets so excited and happy when talking about them.” Tsukasa sighs, taking a deep breath in, though it barely takes him anytime to continue his rant. “He has a lot of crazy ideas, but that’s part of the reason I wanted him in the troupe. He was creative and he has the technical ability to make everything he wants come to life. I enjoy it when he rants to me, it’s even more interesting when you get to see him make them in front of you. 

“I really can’t say no to him when he has an idea because they end up all being really good. He’s just. So like ‘ugh’... or whatever…”

Tsukasa tries his best to shut himself up, realizing he went on a whole tangent about Rui. 

Which means nothing at all. No underlying meaning like Emu thinks, just simple appreciation between friends. He’s sure Rui would have a lot of positive things to say about him as well.

“‘Ugh’? What does that mean?” Emu looks at him suspiciously. She can tell that she has all her puzzle pieces, she just has to put them together for Tsukasa. “Y’know last time when I said Nene made me feel like ‘gah!’, it meant I liked her!”

“You’re… you’re putting words in my mouth.”

“Not what I mean! The way you think about Rui is how I think about Nene. And I like Nene.” Emu says the final sentence with a nervous smile, but she continues. “What do you think that means for you and Rui?”

Tsukasa pauses to stare blankly, Emu can see the cogs turning in his brain.

If Tsukasa liked Rui… hm. Wouldn’t that mean he would like boys? And he doesn’t so no that wouldn’t really make sense, would it? Sure he liked guys, but he admired them, looked up to them. Not like liked them. That weird ‘ugh’ feeling he gets when he looks or thinks about Rui is just a platonic appreciation. That twitchy feeling he gets is just because Rui has subtly traumatized him with some of his inventions. He didn’t even like boys..

Maybe he didn’t like boys… but he liked Rui ? 

“Hey… how did you realize you liked Nene?” Tsukasa asked precautiously, biting his lip waiting for her to respond.

“Well, you! Duh.”

“No, well yes, but I only asked if you liked her. You came to the conclusion all by yourself, what made you realize that you did?”

Emu smiled skeptically at Tsukasa before turning away, taking a moment to think about it.

“...I’m not exactly sure. I was just thinking about what it meant to be in love and I just thought it made sense to be in love with her.” Emu made a thoughtful hum, taking a few seconds to herself before continuing. “Now that I’ve acknowledged that I love her, I can’t go back to thinking of her in any other way. I feel like that’s just how we’re supposed to be. No matter how hard I try, I don’t think I could ever think differently. Loving her is the only right answer in my mind.”

Oh. Well that’s a bit of an uncharacteristically poetic way to say it. 

‘What it meant to be in love’? To love someone… Tsukasa definitely knows what that feels like. Maybe not in this exact context but it still counts as love.

He loves lots of things, he thinks. Love always came naturally for him, there wasn’t a single time where he felt like he needed to question it. When he loved something or someone, he just loved it. There would be a point in time when he remembered not loving it or when he started to love it, when he loved something it was like he loved it from the beginning.

He loved his siblings, Saki, Touya, and Kanade (the last two aren’t really his siblings but he will forever lovingly think so). He loves shows, he loves ginger fried pork, he loves Emu, Nene, and Rui, however, only as his troupe mates and friends. But to think of Rui as something more…

It was an interestingly weird way to see things. He definitely loves Rui as a close friend, but more than that? Well now, Tsukasa doesn’t really know, he feels a little confused about this all. 

Yet Tsukasa remembers those lingering thoughts of his and Rui’s close friendship.

From the way they look at each other at times, to the way they interact, Tsukasa’s always felt just a little bit different about Rui. He had just thought it was the type of friendship they had, a mutual, unspoken connection they shared. Though maybe that isn’t the case? Tsukasa being in love with Rui? It sounds a bit weird, maybe since they’re both boys, but he shouldn’t really think like that anymore, especially with Emu liking Nene and all. But in the end, it doesn’t really matter though, does it? Because he and Rui were simply friends..

Hm.

Well now it felt a little weird to say. He’s not really sure why, because they are really just friends. Him and Rui, ever since meeting, they’ve always been just friends. They do friend things, nothing more, nothing less. They’re friends.

Nothing more.

Nothing more. Because they are just friends…

Damn it. Now it just feels wrong, like he’s trying to convince himself, which he doesn’t need to do because they’re just friends. And because Tsukasa is straight. And because Rui would never like him back like that. Right?

…What would ‘more’ even look like? He’s not too familiar with romance, and they are both boys. Would that even make a difference? Stuff like going on dates and holding hands aren’t gender specific, right?

Wait, why was he even thinking about that? They’re just friends, Tsukasa is straight, and he does not like-

“Earth to Tsukasa! Helloo!” Emu stretches out the ‘o’ sound, waving her hand in front of Tsukasa’s face to try to catch his attention.

“Huh? Oh Emu, sorry I was just thinking-”

A phone goes off. Tsukasa reaches into his pocket to see that it’s Saki. he quickly picks it up.

“Saki? …Huh? Oh yes, you’re right! …Yes, I’m still at Phoenix Wonderland. I’m sorry, I’ll be making my way home now… Yes, sorry again. Okay, bye, love you.” Tsukasa pulls the phone away from his ear and shoves it back into his pocket. He turns to face Emu and she just nods as they both stand up.

It was late evening now, the sun was gone from the sky but at the edge of the horizon you could see the faintest speck of light, a sliver of yellow and pink mix into the early night sky. The two walk outside of Phoenix Wonderland, Emu huffs a bit on their way out, leaving them in an awkward silence for a while.

Tsukasa kind of just hopes the conversation can end here, just with the knowledge of Emu liking Nene.

But at the gates of the park, Emu opens her mouth to say something again.

“Hey Tsukasa,” He tenses as he waits for Emu to continue. “You seem fine with me and Nene. Why would it be any different for you and Rui?”

Tsukasa sweats, opens his mouth to respond, yet nothing comes out. A second or two passes before Emu decidingly continues to vocalize her thoughts.

“You seem so convinced that you don’t like Rui, but you’re putting actual thought into behind if you do right? I don’t know, maybe you don’t like Rui, or maybe you’re just saying that because you don’t wanna believe you do.” 

‘Don’t wanna believe you do’? Tsukasa looks over at Emu, she looks very unbothered about this whole thing, maybe even a little happy at the realization of her being in love. 

He looks back down at his feet, his eyebrows furrowing and he bites at his bottom lip. He doesn’t understand, he thinks that he and Rui are just friends, but then he gets a nagging feeling at the back of his throat and a soft sinking feeling in his stomach, he doesn’t think about why.

Soon enough, they come to a point where they have to split to go to their respective homes. Just as Tsukasa was about to say his goodbye, Emu opened her mouth to say one last thing to him.

“Tsukasa, you can’t see what I see but think about this a little more, will you? Don’t overcomplicate things either.” Emu smiled at him, but he could see that her eyes looked a little sympathetic. “I’ll see you tomorrow for rehearsal, get home safely!”

And with that, she runs off, Tsukasa just barely whispering out ‘Goodnight, be safe’. He turns and starts to walk off to his house.

♡

Okay, well Tsukasa went down a bit of a rabbit hole.

It was soon after arriving home (and getting mildly scolded by Saki because he came home late again ), he tried to go about his day.

Eating dinner, taking a nice, long cold shower, working on some homework that’s due tomorrow, tidying up his room a little bit, reading and looking over some scripts for some future scripts, rereading old scripts to make sure he still has everything memorized. Menial things that need to get done and that keep his mind just barely occupied. Just barely enough that his mind doesn’t run loose. So that it wouldn’t run back to the end of the conversation he had early today with Emu. So he didn’t think about how Emu thought he liked Rui. And most importantly, so that he didn’t have to think about Rui.

…Oops, looks like he ran out of things to do. 

Tsukasa groaned and threw himself into his bed, burying his face into his pillows. All he had to do was think about something, anything , else. Not about the ridiculous conversation he and Emu had, and not about Rui. He definitely cannot think about Rui.

He needs to keep his mind clear. And not about any of those stupid things he’s thinking about Rui. or about their relationship. Or about how he feels about him. Or the weird feeling he gets thinking about him. Or the idea Emu implanted in his head about liking him. No, he can’t think about any of those things.

Hm. The weird feeling he gets when thinking about him? Why would he feel weird about Rui? He shouldn’t be feeling like that, after all Rui’s just a friend to him. His troupe mate. His director. It’s Rui .

He shouldn’t get weird feelings over friends. He doesn’t feel weird when thinking of Emu. He doesn’t feel weird thinking about Nene. no weird feeling when he thinks about how they’re his friends, or how any other person he knows. But when it’s Rui… there’s that strange sensation rising inside of him. It sits at the back of his throat like a cough he’s holding in, getting more and more uncomfortable with each passing second trying to keep inside. It itches at him in a way he can’t put his finger on or scratch at. So he’s left sitting there, holding his breath and staring at his ceiling, trying to identify what this feeling is (without going back to whatever Emu thinks it is).

Except that’s not what he’s supposed to be doing. He rolls over in his bed, trying to act as a mental reset for him. He needs to think about something else. The shows? They were pretty nice today, he’s pretty tired though since it was only him and Emu left after the shows. Robo-Nene needed some assistance after all, and all of Rui’s supplies were at his home of course, so he and Nene left early. It left him a bit sad, he liked spending time with his troupe, but he understood. Robo-Nene is a vital part in many of their shows. Along with all of the other inventions Rui creates… Tsukasa mentally pauses. Damn it.

Frustratedly, Tsukasa rolls over again. No Rui. he can’t think about him. Thinking about their shows was a little too obvious. He needs something else to think about.

Anything happening in school lately? …not that he can think of. He’s done with his homework, there aren’t any tests or quizzes he needs to worry about, unless they have another pop quiz like that one time in english. But he did fine on that. After all, he had Rui help him.

Rui’s English is much better than his own. He helped review Tsukasa’s notes, even bridging out some of his own and giving some of his own personal tips. Tsukasa lets out a soft smile thinking of the memory without even noticing. He remembers how Rui sounded, tentatively explaining things and speaking to him in english. He sounded really good. It’s not often he hears Rui’s english, but the way his voice translates throughout both languages sounds soothing. Especially on that day, Rui spoke very slowly, almost carefully, to Tsukasa, politely correcting him when he didn’t get something right.

Tsukasa was in a good mood for the rest of his day, he didn’t worry a single bit while taking the pop quiz. In fact, he got one of the best scores he’d ever gotten in English. And it was all thanks to…

Shit. No . he wasn’t supposed to be thinking about Rui. Tsukasa turns over again. And again. And again. And again. He tosses back and forth each time he thinks of Rui. He didn’t think it would be that hard to not think about his friend.

Tsukasa grabs his pillow and shoves his face into it again, letting out a loud groan. If he can’t stop thinking about his friend (because that’s what they are), then he can just think about some of his other friends. Like… Emu and Nene. They’re also his friends. His troupe mates. Nene is an amazing actor and singer, he’s glad to see how much she’s improved over the time they’ve been performing together, and as Emu said, she is also quite pretty. Well, Emu thinks Nene is prettier than he thinks she is but that's just because she likes girls. Emu likes Nene… It’s a bit strange, but he’s getting more familiar with the idea as time goes on.

So if Emu likes Nene, and if Nene’s a girl, then that would mean Emu’s… a homosexual? Gay? There’s gotta be a specific word for girls who like other girls right?

Tsukasa bit his lip as he grabbed his phone. Surely, the internet had information about stuff like this, right? It wouldn’t be too bad of an idea to look it up.

After a few minutes, Tsukasa definitely thinks that, yes, the internet does have a lot of information about this kind of stuff.

Okay, so there is a word for girls who like other girls, ‘lesbian’, but that’s only if the girl only likes other girls? So if Emu likes girls and boys, then she would be ‘bisexual’. And the term bisexual isn’t limited to girls, it’s for all people who like both genders. It’s actually quite interesting. He’ll ask Emu about it a little later.

Tsukasa can’t say how long he spent scrolling through the internet reading different things about different sexualities and even gender identities. He reads on some western websites too, using his limited knowledge of English and google translate, he can now say that he’s more informed about the LGBTQIA+ community than he was yesterday. He learned what all those letters mean, a little about each identity, and just a few various helpful words or pieces of information.

A bit embarrassingly, he spent a little more time reading through strictly ‘gay’ topics. He was just a bit curious, y’know, because Emu was saying how he liked Rui (which isn’t true), but even if it was (which it’s not ), then that would mean that he would be gay, or something adjacent to gay (which he’s not[?]). So he was a little curious to say the least. Nothing more.

At least all this whole LGBTQIA+ research thing has been distracting him from thinking about… other things! It’s not like he’s reading to relate to his own experiences(?)He's doing this for Emu! To support her! As he has just learned, his past ideas were a bit homophobic, but to be fair he was very misinformed about all of this. Now he knows, and now he can be a better friend towards Emu. Because all this research wasn’t for himself. Other than that one, short time reading about gay relationships between two boys.

But that’s only because of Emu’s influence. It was really for her. Not him, but for Emu. It was all for-

“Hey ‘Kasa-”

“YES?!” Tsukasa quickly shot up from his bed, shutting off his phone and putting it face down under his covers. He clears his throat. “Yes? What do you need, Saki?”

“...I was just gonna ask if there were any more snacks left?” Saki eyes him suspiciously yet doesn’t ask any further questions.

“Oh. No, I don’t think so. I’ll get some more for you tomorrow, yeah?” Tsukasa let out a nervous chuckle, hoping that bribing Saki with snacks will make her not question Tsukasa’s strange behavior.

“Will you? Thanks a bunch ‘Kasa!” And it works as Saki smiles and shuts Tsukasa’s door. Only until he hears Saki’s footsteps get far away enough does he let out a sigh. Tsukasa relaxes back into his bed, pulling out his phone again.

He keeps staring at his door. His skin prickles with nervousness, he’s not all that sure why. Saki wouldn’t be against this stuff, would she? No, probably not. And he’s not worried for himself, obviously, he’s worried for Emu. Saki and Emu haven’t interacted much but they got along pretty well and Saki knows how much Emu means to him, so at the very least Saki wouldn’t ever say or do anything homophobic.

… Tsukasa wonders what Rui thinks of this kind of stuff. He can remember Rui’s disinterest in talking about girls, always avoiding that topic of conversation. Tsukasa had read a bit on how sometimes people don’t ‘come out’ because they don’t feel comfortable or safe. Tsukasa thinks that if Rui was gay, he would like to know. For no specified reason.

It’s not like Rui is gay anyways. It’s not okay to assume people’s sexualities either, even if it is something other than straight.

But if Rui was…

♡

Okay… God, is he tired. What time is it?

Tsukasa turns his phone on to check the time, yeesh, 3:44 AM at night. He blinks his eyes as they adjust to the bright light of his phone, he’d put it down a while ago after doing just a tiny bit more of research.

What was he thinking about? Oh y’know, just his best friend. And how he might be gay. And that he might be gay for said best friend. Fun times! Especially late on a school night where he has to go to rehearsal after school. Great! He’s gonna be so refreshed this morning!

The internal sarcasm is getting to him. 

He can feel himself slowly succumbing to tasting the goddamn rainbow because Rui won’t get out of his stupid, confused mind. And slowly but surely, the more Rui is on his mind, the more he really thinks about him. Listen, it’s not fun going through what feels like the five stages of grief thinking about your best friend while being sleep deprived.

He blames Emu. And Rui. They are the ones at fault here. 

Emu for making him think about it. Rui for being Rui.

Damn Rui. With his stupid directions. And him being a stupidly amazing stage director. And his stupid smile, and stupid pretty eyes, and his stupidly calming voice. He’s stupid. So very, very stupid.

Tsukasa blinks again, he rolls on his bed to face the rest of his room. At this point in the night, he’s not sure he’s going to be able to fall asleep. He sits up, taking in his room. Hopefully it’ll serve as a good mental reset and maybe he can get an hour or two of sleep in for the night.

He’s in his bed, the sheets are wrinkled from his constant tossing and turning, pillows placed randomly everywhere. There’s his desk, neatly organized, some trinkets that he was given placed on his desk, and his chair was tucked in under the desk. His book shelf that has all his books, school books, script books, comic books and just regular old books. Sorted by alphabetical genre, and within the genres, each book sorted alphabetically again. He's quite picky on how he stores his books. His big mirror, he can’t really see anything in it since it’s really dark, but he usually uses it to practice all his poses. His closet that’s filled with clothing and a bin next to it with dirty clothes. His room is a loft, so for his own privacy, he has curtains near the railing or his room, they aren’t closed right now, so he can faintly see some part of his house. Looking back into his room, his clean blue carpet that was vacuumed a few days ago. Nothing out of place. Everything was fairly clean. Unlike somebody he could mention. 

Ah, he did it again… it’s whatever.

Tsukasa slowly stands up from his bed, quickly making it before he heads over to his desk. He squints at the spines of all his books, making sure it’s in his preferred order, then he fiddles with some things on his desk. He looks at all his pens and pencils, Tsukasa takes one out and takes a closer look at it. The pen seemed a bit out of place, he didn’t remember buying it.

After only a few more seconds of inspection, Tsukasa realizes that he didn’t buy it. Because it wasn’t his pen. 

It was Rui’s.

Tsukasa dramatically slams the pen back with the rest of his. Does everything he does or thinks about always lead back to him? Has he really intertwined him into his life this much? Has he only realized it because now it’s the only time when he doesn’t want to think about him? Tsukasa quickly walks over back to his bed, ruining how he had made it just seconds before to dramatically wrap himself up in his blankets.

Why is this taking so much mental space? Can’t Tsukasa just decide if he likes Rui or not? It’s not like he actually does so what’s this big fuss about anyways?

…Unless?

Maybe he does like Rui? More than friends?

Ugh. He doesn’t know. After all the reading he did, Tsukasa thinks he might not be straight, but he’s still not sure. He wants to deal with one issue at a time right now, but that isn’t really possible when the issues are connected.

He doesn’t think that not wanting to put a label on himself right now makes him gay per say, and that just because if he was gay it means that he likes Rui. Maybe he just wants to be closer to Rui as friends. Right?

His head starts to hurt, maybe he should listen to Emu and not overthink things too much.

Tsukasa lets out a frustrated groan, tugging at his hair. He’s not overcomplicating things, he’s just… thinking out all possibilities.

Rui is his friend. Tsukasa really, really likes him. Sure, maybe now he’s not so sure in a platonic or romantic way, but that’s not really Rui’s fault now is it? All he knows is that he wants to be close to him.

…It’s always about Rui, isn’t it? And he can’t believe he’s just realizing it, all because he’s questioning whether or not he likes him or not. One day, the troupe will have to split, Tsukasa knows this, but now a future without those three seems so… disingenuous? Inconsequential? Whenever he thinks about the future, the troupe always finds a way to just slip inside, and somehow, for some reason, Rui stands there as a figurehead for that.

Whenever he thinks of the future, they all play some part in it. And Rui’s face is always there, unavoidable and Tsukasa would probably struggle trying to completely remove him.

Before, Tsukasa would sometimes think it would be really fun to move in with him someday in the future. He knows it isn’t realistic, but a domestic life seems like it would be nice to have with his director.

They could share household chores, Emu and Nene would visit and Tsukasa could cook dinner for them all (Lord knows Rui cannot cook, but Tsukasa thinks he could teach him a thing or two), they’d be able to talk and plan shows together at any time they’d like, and they’d never be apart. And again, Tsukasa sadly knows it’s not the most realistic vision of their future, but he’s always kind of thought that they’d just stick together like that for some reason. But now he’s gone thinking about their future if they were more than that.

…He guesses it wouldn’t be much different would it?

Being a couple, they would do ‘couple’ things, right? Like move in together, just like he hoped he and Rui would do. They’d do everything they do now, maybe just a little differently.

A little differently, like being more affectionate and stuff. They’d probably share a bed and maybe even clothes. Tsukasa’s always been a physically affectionate person so he’d think he’d always want to be touching Rui in some type of way, like holding hands or cuddling. 

They’d probably kiss too. 

Because that’s what couples do, right?

Hm.

Him and Rui… kissing?

…

Oh.

Oh no.

♡

The next morning, Tsukasa woke up (sluggishly climbed out of bed when he heard his alarm go off), and got ready for school. After taking a shower and almost falling asleep at breakfast, he was on his way to school.

It can be assumed that Tsukasa didn’t have a very good night, he didn’t sleep at all and there’s still a lot on his mind. He tries to organize his mind in his final moments before arriving at school.

He comes to a conclusion. A few actually.

1 ) He needs more time to think over the whole liking Rui thing (even though Tsukasa is tired of thinking about that godforsaken boy, he doesn’t feel 100% sure about it, though he sadly is coming to terms with his emotions).

2 ) While he’s not completely sure about the sexuality business, he knows he’s probably not straight (he doesn’t want to dwell on this for too long, he has more important things to ponder, like the previously mentioned conclusion).

3 ) He would like to talk to Emu again about this whole thing (Translation: He’s going to be hunting down Emu for sport after consoling her about his headache that she caused him).

4 ) he is going to take a nice, long nap when he gets home.

Satisfied with his mental list, Tsukasa huffs as he enters the school's gates.

♡

Tsukasa fails at the last conclusion he made in the morning.

He ended up falling asleep during his last class before lunch. He really couldn’t last another second, his exhaustion was really setting in by then. And he doesn’t pull all nighters the way Nene and Rui do.

At first, his head just started to feel very heavy, so he convinced himself that he would rest it on his desk for a few minutes before picking it back up. But then his eyes started to feel even more droopy, every time he blinked, it was a challenge to open his eyelids back up. Tsukasa then decided it would hurt if he closed his eyes for a second or two, and so he did. And after the promised second or two, his eyes, in fact, did not open.

He had fallen asleep. Who would’ve guessed?

The few minutes he promised himself to lay his head down turned into sleeping for almost the entire class, barely ten minutes in class when he had started to fall asleep. The short 45 minute nap he took felt like heaven after not sleeping for so long. 

In his dream he felt light, finally escaping his overwhelming thoughts to rest. Like most dreams, it was blurry and he couldn’t really follow the visuals that his own brain was showing him.

Then he suddenly felt warm and he heard a soft laugh near him. It felt so nice and inviting that he started to laugh too, after a few seconds he realized that he recognized that laugh. Ah, it was Rui’s.

‘Rui?’ he tried calling out, it seemingly worked because he had gotten a response and another laugh.

“ ...kasa? ” He hummed uncomfortably, he can feel the sun’s light on his eyes making him want to shift away. “ Tsukasa-kun? ”

And suddenly he can feel himself getting shaked softly, ‘Rui?’

“Tsukasa… Tsukasa-kun, wake up please.”

“Huh?”

Tsukasa’s eyes flutter open, squinting as they adjust to the sun’s light and he hears Rui’s soft laugh only more clearly this time. He can feel someone’s hand on his shoulder and when his eyes are okay enough, he opens them fully to see the person in front of him.

It was Rui, of course, who else would it be? Though… maybe it was just him but Rui seemed a little different.

It was Rui’s hand on his shoulder, even after waking Tsukasa up, he didn’t pull it away and for some reason it made Tsukasa feel… weird. To be fair, everything surrounding Rui recently has been making him feel weird. The smile Rui was giving him, the way the sun was hitting him inside the classroom that made him look like he was glowing, his stupid messy purple hair and his stupid pretty eyes and his stupid warm hand on his shoulder.

Tsukasa just stared at him. Between now and the last time he had seen Rui, his feelings had changed just slightly, might’ve changed. It felt really weird to look at Rui now that he’s been processing his emotions.

It felt weird because now, in this warm early spring light and handsome smile he had on his face, Tsukasa now realized that…

He was definitely in love with Rui.

After a few more seconds of staring, Rui laughs again before starting to speak.

“Fufu, confused? Y’know I’d never thought you’d be this irresponsible to fall asleep during class Mr. Tenma.” And Rui’s smile changes from soft to stupidly sly, and Tsukasa knows he’s teasing him, but fuck , now it feels different . “Hmmm… I could’ve sworn you said my name while sleeping. Tell me, what were you dreaming about Tsukasa-kun?”

And Tsukasa just blinks at him, because he’s sure they’ve never interacted like this before. And for Christ's sake, the boy's hand is still on his shoulder.

But Rui just keeps looking at him expecting, patiently waiting for a response that Tsukasa is struggling to find, yet he knows Rui is waiting just for him so he decides to just splutter something out.

“Ah, I uh- uh…” Maybe he should’ve gotten at least an idea of what to say because now he just looks like an idiot. But that seems to be what Rui wants as his eyes light up with amusement. Lets try saying a proper sentence this time. “What… time is it?”

Probably not the best thing to say, but it’s something and it makes a semblance of sense.

“Well, right now it’s a few minutes into lunch.” Rui finally takes his hand off of his shoulder, and keeps that stupid foxy smile on his face. “Now, about that dream? I would like to hear about it.”

Was this really the guy he likes?

Ah, Tsukasa got the shivers just thinking about it. The guy he likes .

Wait, he’s supposed to be talking to Rui right now. Like he doesn’t like him.

“Oh, um… I honestly can’t remember! Don’t you hate when that happens?” Tsukasa laughs nervously, and Rui narrows his eyes at him, yet doesn’t drop his smile. Tsukasa starts gathering his stuff and shoving it inside his bag, “Would you look at the time, we should really get going to the roof! Wouldn’t want anybody to take our spot!”

Way to play it cool, Tsukasa.

He shuffles out of his seat, taking a short glance back at Rui. He looks a little taken aback, but when Tsukasa starts to walk out of the classroom, he can tell Rui is following him out.

The walk to the rooftop is silent, with Rui eventually making it to his side in the hallway. When they opened the doors that lead out, the rooftop was empty as usual. Nobody really came up here anymore, especially since the ‘weirdo duo’ started to eat lunch up here.

They sit in their usual spot, but with a slightly uncomfortable silence between them. Tsukasa is never this silent, in fact while walking up, they got multiple weird looks from other students. But Tsukasa paid it no mind, he was used to strange looks. Though Tsukasa is definitely minding it now. Possibly because of the specific person who’s looking at him.

Rui. He’s been staring at him this entire time, not letting a single second pass where Tsukasa wasn’t in his main frame of sight.

He tried not to let it bother him, he tried not to make eye contact, and he tried to just eat his lunch in peace.

But every now and then he would peek a glance over at Rui, only to be met with Rui staring back at him. And Tsukasa would just try to play it off by giving a short smile or nodding his head before quickly looking back down at this food. Everytime they did this little dance Tsukasa’s face got just a little warmer and he could tell that Rui was getting more and more suspicious of him.

God, he feels so nervous and he hates why. It's getting kind of awkward just sitting here and eating too, they’re usually quite talkative, it’s why other students don’t like sitting with them.

And he also can’t shake off the weird feeling of embarrassment. Firstly, he had Rui wake him up. Secondly, he kind of just feels like Rui knows . Tsukasa logically knows that he doesn’t, but the silence that lingers in the air and the way Rui won’t stop looking at him makes Tsukasa feel like he does.

Rui was staring at him. He’s staring at Tsukasa .

Tsukasa regretfully feels his cheeks flush and he contemplates jumping over the ledge of the roof.

He wants to say something, anything , just to relieve this uncomfortable energy that surrounds them. Both of them know that this isn’t how they usually act and Tsukasa didn’t want Rui to worry about him, or worse, suspect him of something. Something like Tsukasa liking Rui.

And just when Tsukasa was about to open his mouth, Rui spoke up first.

“Tsukasa-kun,” Despite planning to speak up, Tsukasa slightly flinches at the sound of Rui saying his name, but he looks up to see Rui. Now he has a slightly worried look on his face which he can only assume is from Tsukasa’s behavior. “You seem very quiet today and look a bit tired, are you okay?”

Hm.

Well Tsukasa’s sure this isn’t the first time Rui’s cared about his well being, he’s sure that Rui’s done it hundreds of times before.

But now it feels weird and Tsukasa doesn’t like that .

In fact, he hates it. Is this how it’s going to be from now on? Tsukasa practically swooning everytime Rui gives him the slightest bit of attention? Because right now it definitely seems so, because right now Tsukasa can feel himself blushing like an idiot.

Oh right, he still has to respond to Rui.

“... Oh! Yes, I’m okay.” Tsukasa forces out a smile and makes himself look at Rui. “I’m just a bit tired… from yesterday! It was just me and Emu y’know.”

Yeah, of course he knows , he was the one who left to make it just him and Emu. The conversation they had flashes through his mind and involuntarily he purses his lips. Damn Emu.

“Did… something happen while Nene and I were away?” Of course Rui would notice his face changing and worry. But even worse, in an act of comfort, he reaches out for Tsukasa, and Tsukasa does nothing but still there stiffly as Rui’s hand lands on his shoulder again. Did they always sit that close together so they could reach out to each other when they liked? Did they always reach out to touch each other like this? Was this always a normal thing for them? It must be, since Rui does it so casually. Maybe he’s just become hyper aware of all of Rui’s movements since having his little realization.

“No, no, nothing like that! Yesterday went smoothly!” Despite knowing his face is probably red, Tsukasa continues to try to play it off, trying to smile softly and wave his hand to dismiss Rui. “It took a little longer to clean up since the two of you were gone but me and Emu handled everything just fine! And we even had some pleasant conversations just the two of us!”

Yeah, pleasant his ass. Making him lose sleep over this stupid boy.

In spite of his valiant efforts of trying to get Rui off his back before he implodes, it only seems to make it worse as Rui leans in even closer but finally breaks the eye contact they’ve been holding. Only to look Tsukasa up and down with a worried look.

“You didn’t get hurt then, did you?” Rui continues to try to check Tsukasa, leaning in closer and starting to reach out his other hand. But before he can do that, Tsukasa speaks up.

“Oh please, you think a future world star can’t handle a little bit of clean up?” Yes, perfect. Tsukasa just tries to act like he always does. Confident, loud, bothersome to most, endearingly reverberant to some. 

Yet Rui still raises an eyebrow at Tsukasa. Okay, well maybe not that much like normal, at least not yet.

“It’s nothing, really.” This time, Tsukasa feels as if his smile is less forced and more genuine, despite feeling like he’s going to explode because oh my god he’s so fucking close right now and his hands are so warm and he looks really really pretty fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck - “Don’t you have faith in me, Rui?”

Rui looks only a little surprised, but after a second or two his face softens and he lets out a short sigh.

“...If you say so. I’m sorry, of course you’d be able to handle yourself, Tsukasa-kun.” And the way Rui looks at Tsukasa. Smiling at him, with the stupid wind blowing through his hair at the perfect time and with the perfect amount of strength, and that look he has in his eyes like it’s just him and Tsukasa in the world. Jesus , he cannot handle himself now, can he? And yet the only thing Tsukasa does is look back at Rui. Though, of course, not without probably looking like a tomato.

God, he really did fall for this boy.

“And if you’re doing so fine, then I’m sure you won’t mind me taking this right?” Without Tsukasa noticing, Rui has taken his chopsticks and grabbed at some of his food that was sitting on his lap.

“What- Hey! You have your own lunch!” Tsukasa tries grabbing at his hand, but before he can do so Rui has already shoved the food into his mouth.

“Oh wow, did you make this? It’s really good, you’ll have to give me some more.” Rui gives him a conniving smile. Tsukasa is sick of Rui taking his food (no he isn’t, he’s started to pack extra just for him), he has his own lunch right in front of him yet chooses to eat from Tsukasa’s!

“Don’t chew with your mouth open! And, again, you have your own lunch!” Tsukasa softly hits Rui's shoulder and Rui does nothing but laugh and continue smiling at him.

It’s surprising, but he and Rui fall back into habit, conversation flowing and the uncomfortableness gone. Maybe Tsukasa just needed a little time to adjust to the new feelings. 

Yet when Tsukasa makes Rui laugh when he’s scolding him about using his robots in school ( again ), he can’t help the warm feeling that rises inside of him. 

Okay, well maybe he still needs a little bit more time.