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Logan walks into his small apartment. Cozy some would call it, cramped in other words. Hanging his keys by the front door as it swings close with a *click*. He kicks off his shoes and flops onto the couch. Pulling out his phone to see there's no notifications. Why would there be? He hasn't had a response from anyone important in weeks. After laying for a while he strains to get up, lightly thumping to the back porch. A simple smoker's hut, two chairs, a small table between them. Cute ashtray that he got as a bday gift from Alex. Pulling out the stash box and grinding some weed, thinking "just a little bit this time". Loading the pipe full, knowing it's a lie and tonight will be like many others. Smoking til he feels sick, just to feel anything. Silently passing the bowl to the empty chair. Placing the lighter next to it as if the empty space would take a hit. But no, Logan is alone again. Same as it has been for months. Realizing the weed hasn't cut off the thinking, he mixes a drink with random drinks in the fridge. The hours pass by as music plays idly. Lighter clicks and an occasional cough disrupting the songs. As the night goes on the music gets louder, the drinks stronger, the pipe loaded with more and more keef. It hits midnight as he finished drink number ??. Finally freed from the constant negative thoughts, but he doesn't stop. He rolls a spliff, fuck it, if he's gonna crash and burn it might as well be everything right? Stumbling through the apartment around 1 to find adderall, he feels light, not quite happy, but maybe a quick bump will fix that. At 3 he passes out, knowing he won't recall much of the evening.
Rudely he's awoken at 9am by the phone ringing.
"Logan?! Are you there??" He recognizes Alex's voice instantly. "Yea mate, I'm here, what's the worry it's soo early" he groans into the phone.
"What's the worry?? Logan do you remember Nothing from last night?" "Umm, no? I'm fine though, got a little too drunk I suppose, sorry" "Lo that isn't gonna fly this time, I'll be there at 10". The line goes dead as Logan's head falls back onto the pillows.
Fuck.

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Alex knocks precisely at 10am. Logan bets he was waiting at the door for a while not wanting to be late. He had time to shower before the visit, but that was about it. Stomach in knots as the minutes counted down. Anxiety too high to be hungover. Quickly cleaning the living room and kitchen, didn't bother with the bedroom. Trying not to stress smoke or drink in anticipation, it would be a bad look after everything to be drinking at 9am. He made coffee instead, had a tea bag set out for Alex too. He flicked the kettle as the knocks rung out. Wiping his hands on the sweats he threw on, he pulled it open. The sunlight not too bright yet, blocked in part by the tall, lanky man in front. Looking sweetly down at him with hurt in his eyes. Sympathy pain to seeing Logan. The smaller man was clearly going through it. As Logan stepped back to let Alex in, he found himself wrapped in a tight hug. Quickly reciprocating, he found himself shaking, the physical touch switching something in his brain. Signaling his body to stop trying to be brave for a moment. To truely let go. Alex just held on as his friend cried into his shoulder, eventually gently lowering them both to the ground. Without much grace, but they got down with Logan bridal style between his legs. His face red and spotty, snot and drool showing how long the emotions had been held back.
"There's tea for you" Logan tried to smile as the water clicked off. Leaving the two men in silence. Starting to pick himself up he found Alex's grip stronger than expected.
"Tea can wait Logan, don't just keep switching your emotions off to be convenient"
"Well damn, you been in contact with my therapist?"
"Don't need to be to see things aren't okay with you mate"
"Fair fair" Logan says, putting his hands up after wiping some of the tears. "But I need to at least grab tissues before we dig into this"
"Alright, let's regroup to the couch? I noticed you cleaned in here"
"Clever boy, yea I'll be back in a sec"
The boys help each other up as Alex makes tea and Logan retreats to the bathroom to grab a roll of toilet paper, never buying actual tissues. Splashing some cold water on his face, Logan inhales and walks to the couch.
"So, how much do you remember about what you said last night?"
"Uhh, not much, didn't have time to reread things before you got here to be honest, recap for me?"
"Lo-" Alex said with a pityful sigh. It hurt to see someone so dear, struggle so much. Trying to keep a brave face but the cracks always show to the people who know where to look. That keen eye they both shared, able to catch each other early. Or so Alex thought, clearly not if Logan had spiraled this far without him even suspecting it.

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"How about you fill me in and I'll see if it sparks any memories?" Logan suggests, not wanting to share anything more than Alex already knows.
"Well, around midnight you texted me asking to hang out" Alex states. "I wasn't even gonna ask why you were up then honestly." He chuckles a little, trying to lighten the mood. "But I was already asleep, like a normal person. You kept texting though. Not constantly but more than normal. I woke up to like 8 messages!"
Eight, Logan thinks to himself, that's not too bad, but he still can't remember the subject matter. Bad enough for Alex to show up in person over. He takes a sip of coffee and nods to show he's still listening.
"A lot of them didn't make sense frankly. I assumed you were drunk or something with the amount of typos"
"That's correct, got a little too drunk last night I suppose" Logan prays that Alex would just accept that and drop whatever the issue was.
"Maybeso, but we're still talking about this." Alex swiftly chases the thought from his mind.
"But what *are* we talking about? I'm still lost dude, unless you *really* wanted to hang out this bad." Logan says with a smile.
"Lo, you don't remember at all do you?" The pity is back in his voice. "You said you wanted to die mate" those big brown eyes were filled with concern. Hesitant to not be too direct.
"Ah. Well. Umm." Logan doesn't know what to say to that. What can be said in this situation? Struggling to find any words, he takes another sip of coffee before a deep breath. "Look, I won't actually do it you know. But it's an option. And I won't listen if you tell me it isn't. Alex my life is falling apart around me! I won't have an f1 seat next year. You and Oscar are the only ones that talk to me. James doesn't care, the team doesn't care, I'm alone here! I'm failing almost every race!" The tears have started and there's no point in trying to hold them back. Alex kindly passes the toilet paper roll and stays quiet to let Logan continue. "I mean really, outside of you two, who would even notice? I know the fans would rather have me gone. They've made that clear. Even the commentators want me gone. I don't deserve to be here Lex, it'd make things smoother if I was gone. I already hurt so much, why keep fighting a losing battle? It's just not worth it." Logan quickly finds Alex's arms around him again. One hand holding Logan's face to his shoulder, soaking the taller's shirt with tears and drool. The blonde man reduced to gasps and sniffles, completely letting go of his walls. The other of Alex's hands rubbing small circles on his back.
"Look, I know times are hard, that's just a fact. But you aren't worthless or undeserving. Clearly you've got the skill to be here, or you wouldn't be. You've gotten the short end of the stick, but that doesn't mean you deserve what you get". Alex switches positions to cradle Logan in his lap, hand absent mindedly playing with his hair.

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The first bowl was smooth. The second a little harsh, the third he was too high to care how it made him cough. Mixed drinks paired along to cool the burning sensation in Logan's throat. By midnight he was stumbling around the apartment. Pulling out his phone Logan opens his messages. Mostly things delivered but no response. Met with silence he opens the conversation with Alex, unsure if he smoked but maybe he'd like a drink. They drive at a high enough level that Logan doesn't worry about what day of the week it is. "Hey, wanna come over?". As the message sends Logan puts some music on, feeling on cloud nine, unburdened by the life that waits for him when he comes down from this high. After thirty minutes Logan texts again "hey, if ur up, do you wanna chat?". The drugs aren't making him happy anymore, just hazy enough to highlight how fucked he's gonna be. This is probably his last season as an F1 driver. Working for years and years to make it to this level, day in and day out. Leaving everything he knew to keep working for it. And to end up here. A failure. Logan goes to the balcony again to smoke more. Even the lighter is giving up on him. As it sadly clicks trying to hold a flame, Logan knows he's only heating the metal. Once he's finally able to light the spliff, he turns the lighter onto his arm. Basking in the warm, radiating pain it sends through his body. It comes in waves until the metal is cooled. Leaving behind the mark of a smiley face. Mind wandering in smoke, he heats the metal again. And again, and again. Red splotches on his arm not blistering yet. Around one he goes back inside. Leaning against the hallway on the way to the bathroom. Rummaging through pill bottles until he finds the stimulants to crush up on the counter. Two lines and he texts Alex again. "I really appreciate you man". "Sorry for always letting you down". Logan puts his phone away before clearing the rest of the lines he set out. Switching to laying in bed, lighter still in hand. Idly spinning it around, inevitably he lights the fire again. From within the privacy of the bedroom, he can hold the flame up for much longer. On the first touch to his skin, it sears and he lets out a yelp. Switching techniques to avoid a major burn injury, dotting all over just before the damage is too much. A few spots blister, in this moment it's just raised bumps and extra red, soon enough it'll swell and fill, that's a problem for later Logan. He stumbles into the kitchen for another drink, trying so hard, like he does with everything. Just wanting to be good enough. He chugs the glass before refilling it, at least the liquor cabinet can't leave him behind. Flopping onto the couch once again, he sends another text "I'm so sorry". "It's not your fault Lex". Nothing feels lower than wanting to die to stop hurting those around yourself. Logan lays there for a while, unable to pay attention to the music, or anything than the numbness overtaking his whole being. The only break from it is the moments when actively burning himself. So numb that no tears or emotions will dare to show up. "I'm so sick of all of this, it's too much". He goes outside one last time, sitting in the chair so that he doesn't have to look at the empty seat, lighter firmly in his hand. Halfway through the bowl he sends one last text, nothing left to lose after all. "if I end it, I'll miss you a lot".

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The duo stayed still for a while. Alex just being there for Logan. Not pressuring him to speak on things, a shoulder to cry on. Holding him close and safely. Giving him comforting touches.

That was, until Alex's hands drifted to Logan's arms. As he softly stroked up and down, his fingers brushed the newly forming blisters. Logan looked like a deer caught in headlights as he felt it. Frozen still, worried about what the other would say. Clearly there was no hiding the marks. The smile shapes staring at both men, mixes of red and yellow in contrast to the pale skin they were on. No excuses or calling it an accident. The silence growing stronger to see who would break it first.

"Do we need a first aid kit?" Alex finally says. Logan guesses it's the best outcome possible.
"It'll be fine, don't worry" he responds. It isn't the first time this has happened.

But suddenly he's being lifted out of Alex's embrace, gently set down on the couch again as Alex stands. Though he is tall, his demeanor makes it so he doesn't loom over Logan.

"We should at least keep them covered, yea? I'll grab some bandaids, in the bathroom, right?"
"Yea in the mirro-"
Before Logan can finish Alex is walking off to grab supplies. He returns shortly with bandaids and antiseptic cream. Sitting next to Logan, placing his hands out, waiting for Logan to let him dress his wounds.
"Wait, Alex, before you do anything," Logan says while presenting his arm to him, "we can't actually put any adhesive on them. It'll cause problems for the healing." His voice is still shakey and a little hoarse from crying. But the tears have stopped again.
"Ah, I see, would the cream still work?" Alex still trying to problem solve.
"Yea that'll do"
"So uh, how long has this been going on? If you already know about the healing, it isn't the first time this has happened, right?"
"Well, um, yea it's not the first time" Logan makes a face at the feeling of neosporin touching his arm.
"Sorry! Did that hurt?!" Alex withdraws the hand applying it quickly.
"No, no, just feels weird. Kind of a strange sensation, but not painful at least. You can keep going, thanks."
It only takes a moment for Alex to cover all of the marks. But before he gives Logan's arm back, he gently kisses just above where the first ones are and under where the bottom ones are. Leaving the smaller man dumbfounded.
"There, patched up and kissed better." Alex says with a proud smile. Before he sees Logan's face of pure shock. "Oh uh, yea I should've asked huh? Sorry Lo"
"It's okay, I just didn't expect it, that's such like, a grandma move to 'kiss it better'." Logan adds air quotes to the final words. A smile finally showing on his face, still splotchy from crying.
Alex quickly does his "best" little old lady voice "well dearie, it's what I do! Now come here" he pats his lap so the two can assume their prior position.
Logan holds up a finger as he reaches for his coffee first. Alex takes a sip of his tea as well. Logan blows his nose again and wipes off his face before ungracefully crawling onto Alex's lap. Gently laying his head on his shoulder as Alex wraps his arms around. But Alex uses one hand to lift Logan's head and dip his chin down. Quickly giving Logan a forehead kiss. Before Logan can ask anything, Alex holds him close.
"Kissed it better for you"

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As Logan leaned on Alex, his mind wandered more and more. The gentle hands on his back didn't help him ground at all. His friend and coworker had just taken care of the burns Logan had given himself in the night while blasted off the face of the earth. Sure Alex might not know why Logan did it, but healthy fine people who are okay don't take a shit ton of drugs and self harm do they? But, now he knows Logan has done this. Foolishly letting slip that it isn't his first time. Maybe he could've fully blamed something he took. Maybe he could've done a lot of things instead. But now it's all in the open. Cat's out of the bag. He was stupid enough to open up. Stupid enough to get caught. Stupid enough to think he had a shot.

Alex pauses his motions as he feels Logan tense up underneath him. Gently turning Logan's face towards his own, breaking the American's train of thought. The spiral still going on behind his eyes, but slower. The tears making him misty eyed trying to hold them back. Alex leans forward and passes him the tissue roll "let it out dude, I'm here for you, no judgement." Logan gives an appreciative nod in response, wiping his eyes.
"I just don't know what to do man, it seems like I'm out of options. Real options that is. I don't know what to do with myself. I have the rest of this season, but even that isn't great."
"Do you really wanna go through the options right now, you can take a breather mate."
"I guess so, you said no judgements right?"
"Yea of course! What's going on?"
Logan wiggles to his feet "I'm smoking at 11am and I don't need to hear shit about it right now" he says walking off to the bedroom. Triumphantly emerging a few minutes later with a red bag in tow. "I take it you don't smoke? If you want a drink, alcoholic or not go for it, I'll be a few minutes on the balcony."
Softly closing the door behind him, Logan sets up the smoker's hut. Loading a small bowl before lighting it. Much less tempted to turn the flame on himself in the sunlight. But the sun is fully illumimating the chair beside him. He's kept it clean so there aren't any visual differences between the two, yet it looks so lonely. Logan wonders how a chair can look lonely when there's a soft knock as Alex's tall face looks through the glass, pointing at the space. He shakes his head no, and moves to get up from his seat. Alex politely holds the door open before shutting it when both are inside. After putting the stash box away, Logan adds a shot of vodka to his coffee before settling in on the couch.

Seemingly Alex had made himself another cup of tea. He takes a sip once sat next to Logan. "So," he begins after setting the mug down "I don't want to push you too far, and I promise to not tell anyone, but can we talk about what happened some more?"
"I suppose there isn't much to hide at this point, why not. Do you have any questions to start?"
"Well, if you know you can't use bandaids, have you um, done that before, is it something I should look out for?"
"It's not the first time, but it's pretty rare, you don't need to worry, just got into a bad space last night I guess."
"Was there anything that caused it? Did something happen?" Alex's voice suddenly filled with a much more urgent worry.
"I don't think so, just one of those days I guess, haven't been feeling great recently and it just sorta happened." Logan shrugs, taking swig of spiked coffee.

As the boys talked, the conversation naturally ebbed and flowed from the topic of Logan's mental health. Not that he was ever the one to bring it back on track again. Eventually they made some dietician unapproved lunch before Alex headed home in the afternoon. Both of them feeling better having talked things out.

Until the door locked shut behind Alex and Logan slumped to the ground. Alone again, having company making the feeling even worse instead of helping. The apartment deathly silent as he layed on the floor. At least Alex thinks he's doing better now. Nobody else would come to check in, so he's safe for a while.

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Logan remembers what caused this spiral to begin. However much he tries to push it down, the truth will always be there. He fell in love too hard, shared his heart and soul, and when things ended, he didn't know what to do. Left alone and feeling broken. Shattered inside and out, heartbroken. The depression had been there throughout his life, but this was the changing point. He used to only smoke or drink for fun. Usually with friends and only alone a few times. But then he was alone all the time. As life moved on, he didn't try to isolate, the invites just didn't come as often. He went out even less, rarely had people over, normally just Alex. Evenings spent drunk or high or cross faded most of the time. Using what he could to not be with his thoughts whenever possible. Getting used to living alone, not handling it well. It seemed like he fell through the cracks. Never important enough to be looked at closely. Unless it was somebody broadcasting his every flaw. Always putting on a brave face through the weekend. Never smoking or drinking when he had to drive, never being a danger to others. Smiling for the cameras and his media duties. But once the debriefs and work post race was over, it was back to avoidance.
Alex would text him, ask him to do things together. Logan didn't always go, but he would push himself to leave the house every once in a while. But it was nice to have somebody who would at least try. When he and Oscar broke up, Alex was there for him. As time went on, Logan didn't get better, he just got better at hiding it.
Now it's been long enough, he thought he'd be better by now. But the other night proved that any progress had slipped away. He felt stupid for letting it show. Yet comforted by Alex's support, it was nice to know somebody cared. They had texted a bit after he left. Logan still didn't try too hard to go out. Evenings still spent home alone, high, drunk, or both. But progress in that he hadn't burnt himself in a while. The blisters were gone, but the scars would stay, some of the minor ones had begun to fade. Alex didn't bring it up again thankfully. Nor had he tried to take the lighters from Logan. It was always the worst when people did that. Part because he can't smoke without them, part because he would find some way to hurt himself if he felt he needed to. He always had the option of death, that couldn't be taken from him at least, but it was pretty extreme.
Logan hadn't cried since Alex left. Quickly building his walls back up after letting Alex see him truely. But Alex had seen too much already, he made a point of asking Logan how he was and not letting "okay" or "fine" be enough. In another life Alex would be a good therapist. In this life he's a good friend. Logan guesses that's what he's needed since the breakup. To not be alone, to have somebody care, to have support in his life that he could trust. But he can't push down the feeling of wondering how long it will last this time. How long does he have until he messes this up too? Until Alex leaves him like everyone else left? Until it's just him and the pipe again. He decides to smoke about it, pours a stiff drink too. He also puts his phone on airplane mode, no need to repeat anything. He doesn't want to think about what will happen if Alex finds him doing this again. With his phone off, he works on shutting his brain off, only smoking a bit for real this time. Logan wants to do better, even if it's just to keep up appearances. Progress is progress no matter what the source is.