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Soldiers don’t cry.
Soldiers are supposed to be composed and cold. They are supposed to bury their feelings deep inside as war has no place for tears.
But 04 could not contain himself, no matter how strongly he tried, no matter how he scolded himself for being weak or how deeply he hid his face on the pillow, the tears would just not stop.
He was already a cadet for the maker’s sake! He was old enough to start his training as a trooper! He should be able to act like a grown man now.
But the tears just would not stop.
He carefully listened to the room around him, making sure his roommates were still asleep and had not heard his poor attempts to hide the sniffing.
Right beside his bunker he could hear 03 snoring loudly like he usually did, and thanks to his enhanced eyesight, he could make up some figures in the dark with ease. 02 had fallen asleep with his datapad in hand, resting on his chest as it slowly rose and fell with his steady breathing. Lastly, 01 was laying on his side facing 04, with that stupid bandana covering his eyes like a make-shift sleep mask, apparently deep in slumber.
04 could not afford his batchmates to find him crying like a tubbie in his bunk, so he quietly stood up and slowly made his way outside their barracks, being careful as to not wake up the sleepy clones around him.
In the middle of the night, there was little movement in the desolated corridors of Kamino, which 04 used to his advantage, following his path towards a storage room he knew was always unlocked.
The Rancor battalion often patrolled the corridors at night and 04 really did not want to get caught crying by an older clone, let alone an instructor, so he moved as swiftly and as quietly as he could. It wasn’t long until he got to his destination, closing the door behind him and allowing himself to be plunged into the darkness of the room.
This was not his first time coming here to cry, but each time he wished it was the last.
Now alone and with no threat of anyone finding out, 04 allowed the sobs to finally bubble out of his chest and the tears to run down his cheeks.
His enhanced eyes adjusted quickly to the darkness and 04 maneuvered between the crates, finding his preferred spot to hide: a corner, hidden between the crates, far enough from the door so no passing clone or Kaminoan would listen to his sobbing, and small enough for his lean body to slip in, finding comfort in the enclosed space.
04 sat down on his spot, hugging his knees and hiding his face in them, allowing himself to cry alone in the darkness.
He felt lost. He felt small and weak and pathetic and he hated it. There was a feeling of yearning for something he could not have and the more he thought about it the more it hurt.
04 didn’t process for how long he had been crying, before he heard a familiar voice, snapping him out of his tear induced trance.
“04?”
The young cadet’s face snapped up to find his batchmates looking down at him, the brightness from the flashlight caused him to wince to which 01 pointed the light up, giving the room a dim illumination, enough for them to see, but not too much to hurt 04’s eyes with the sudden change.
04 rubbed at his swollen eyes and looked up at his batchmates.
There was 01, of course, with his messy brown hair which was starting to grow longer than regulation, but he would throw a hissy fit any time the kaminoans tried to cut it short.
Behind him was the taller figure of 03, taller than any other cadet, still he looked down at 04 with worry, hugging the Tooka doll he adored so much… Would he ever grow out of holding that stupid thing to sleep?
And by his side, rubbing his sleepy eye under his googles was 02, holding 03’s sleeve so he wouldn’t get lost in the dark.
04 found it annoying that his batchmates would still act like babies when they were already 3 years old, eight in human years! They were practically adults. Acording to him at least.
“Are you ok?“ 01 asked, kneeling beside 04 to check on him. “Do you feel sick? Should we call Nala se?”
“I’m fine!” 04 snapped, he tried to sound sure, but his voice still cracked.
“You don’t look fine…” 03 mumbled as he and 02 moved closer.
04 tried to hide more inside his little corner, he wanted to hide from the judging eyes of his batchmates. Did they think that he was weak or pathetic? He did not want to look up and find out.
However, he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder and 01’s voice spoke again.
“Hey, it’s alright” 01 mumbled quietly “You can tell us what’s wrong, we won’t tell anyone, right guys?”
01 looked over his shoulder to 03 and 02, who both nodded in agreement.
Right there, the four clone cadets were swearing complacency to each other, so that no word would get out of this storage room.
Maybe that’s why 04 felt safer to confess to his brothers what was causing him so much dismay.
“It’s the other Cadets” he whispered, resting his chin on his knees as he spoke.
“Commander Colt says we should all fight together and trust each other, be united as brothers… but each time I try to talk to the other Cadets they always make fun of me.”
04 sniffled, rubbing a runaway tear from his eye as he kept talking.
“They say that I’m too thin and weak, that I would probably never last long on the battlefield. They say that my white hair would be easy to spot by the enemy and make me an easy target. And they make fun of my eyes, how sensitive they can be. “ He cannot stop his voice from breaking “I just want to feel like I’m one of them, like I belong… but I feel like a freak.”
04 broke down sobbing again, hiding his face in his knees as he gripped his legs tighter against himself.
01 listened closely and frowned slightly as he heard 04’s words, however he kept quiet, allowing his brother to cry and calm down.
“I…I relate to the sentiment…” 02’s tiny voice spoke and broke the silence. He had let go of 03 to move closer to 04 and sit close to him, just outside his hiding spot.
“The other Cadets also make fun of me, they always steal my goggles and my datapad, they taunt me for the way that I speak and they keep using statements with double meaning, knowing full well I cannot understand it… they make me feel foolish.” 02 lowered his head, he did not sobbed like 04, but thick tears could be seen streaming down his cheeks.
“I’ve tried to explain to them but-- I can't, I… I don’t … I don't know how to--”
Dealing with emotions was not 02’s strength, feeling overwhelmed he cuts his chatter and holds his head, hunching over as he cries. 01 moved closer to 02, touching his shoulder gently to comfort him.
“Y-yeah! They are mean to me too!” 03 finally says, seeing his two brothers cry had a contagious effect on him, as he was openly sobbing loudly. “They say I’m too big and heavy! They make fun of how I’m not as agile during the drills and that I’m always last on the races! They also say that I would not last long on the battlefield, being like that” 03 holds his tooka doll closer. “They make me feel stupid! But I’m not stupid!” He was bawling at this point, being the loudest of the three.
There was a certain despair to see and hear his brothers in such misery, making 04 cry harder.
“Why do they treat us like this?” He whined, clenching his fists against his legs. “We have done nothing to them and still they treat us like we are defective!” He hated it, he hated all of it.
“We are not defective!” 01 finally spoke up, his voice was firm and filled with emotion. “We are not defective!” he repeated himself, making an emphasis on the “not” part of the sentence.
His tone immediately gained everyone’s attention, loud crying quieting down to soft sobbing.
“Nala Se has told us that our mutations make us unique, with abilities that no other clone has!” 01 says again, a passion in his voice as he stands up proudly. “These “defects” are not weaknesses, they are our strengths!”
01 turned to 03, who flinched slightly at the sudden intensity of the shorter clone’s eyes.
“You are bigger and heavier than any other clone, but you are also stronger! You were not made to duck behind trenches and shoot like the rest. You were made to be a tank! Dive right into combat, charging straight towards the enemy like a Rancor!” 01 exclaimed “Once you’ve completed your training, there will be no force that will be able to stop you. You’ll be a total Wrecker!” 01 smiles, patting at 03’s arm playfully.
03 can’t help but smile at those words, cleaning stray tears from his eyes as he gets more and more excited with each sentence 01 lets out.
“y-yeah! I’ll be unstoppable!” 03 says loudly, to which 04 winces slightly.
“And you--” 01 turns to 02 so quickly he flinched and jumped. “You do reason differently than other clones, but you are smarter! You have passed the theoretical tests faster than anyone and you have a skill for mechanics that no other clone has. You are a Tech wiz!” Each word seemed to capture 02’s attention. “I bet once on the field, your quick thinking will surpass that of the droids, you’ll always be one step ahead from them!”
02 seemed a bit coy as he nodded in agreement to 01’s words, but 04 could easily notice the small smile forming on his lips.
01 turned to 04 and his smile widened.
“And you…” He started “You are the sharp shooter! your eyes are sensitive but they are perfect for the job! No-one can beat your record of acing the center on every aim test and I bet once you finish your training you’ll be so skilled you’ll be shooting droids from 20 no 40 clicks! You don’t need to fight when you can shoot any enemy before they even reach you! No one will escape your Crosshairs!” 01 hyped him up with each word and just like his brothers 04 could not help but smile at those words, feeling a bit embarrassed to be complimented. 01 offered him his hand so he could stand up and 04 obliged.
“Besides…” 01 was not done, as he placed a hand on 04’s head, ruffling his white fluffy hair. “I doubt they will see your hair under your helmet.”
04 growled and pushed 01’s hand away from his head with a huff, but he could not deny his brother’s words had reached him and he was feeling better about himself.
01 had a way with words, he was charismatic and always so confident, sometimes 04 envied that.
“So who cares what those… Regular clones think about us?” 01 continued “We were made to be an elite force and when we finish our training we will be the best commando squad the GAR has ever seen!” 01 said, 03 let out a loud cheer, punching the air in agreement, even 02 was bouncing excitedly in his place. 04 couldn’t help but feel hyped up too.
“If they think we are a bad batch, then we will be the baddest batch!” 01 said, wrapping one arm around 04’s shoulders, bringing him closer to the rest. “As long as we stick together, as long as we work together, we won’t have to worry about what others think about us.” 01 said, placing his hand in the middle of the circle, waiting for the rest to do the same. “From now on we only need each other, it’s us against the world!” 03 and 02 joined in, placing their hands on top of 01’s “And no-one will ever feel alone again, no-one will be left behind.” 01 looked at 04, who smiled and finally placed his hand in the center, closing the powerful pact between brothers.
From now on they were more than just a squad, they were a family.
“Yeah! go bad batch!” 03 hollered, throwing his arms in the air, almost making 02 fall in the process.
“That was an effective speech 01” 02 commented adjusting his goggles as he complimented 01.
“Thank you! It was all improvised” 01 said, puffing up his chest with so much pride 04 could not help but rolls his eyes.
“It’s clear to me that you have a natural skill for leadership, besides your enhanced Hunter like skills” 02 said, to which 01 just seemed to beam brighter, if that was even possible.
“Obviously! That’s why I am the leader of the squad!” 01 said, 04 scoffed at that.
“Says who?” he growls, looking at 01 with a slight defiance.
“Says me! I bet once I graduate they will make me a clone captain! or even a commander!” 01 holds his stare "I bet I can even be the first clone general!"
“You’ll be lucky if they made you a sergeant…” 04 hissed, to which 01 pouted and glared harder at 04, however the tension was short lived, staring into each other for so long and trying to out-stare the other only ended up in laughter from both parties.
They were brothers and friends after all, there was never real rivalry between them.
The four clones were having a good time, laughing as they continued talking about how they would make their own squad better and cooler than any other squad on the GAR, when suddenly the door to the storage room opened. Their shocked gazes turned quickly to see the figure standing on the doorway, a familiar figure that made them relax.
“You younglings will get in trouble again if the Rancor’s find you wandering out of your barracks this late at night” The gentle voice of 99 said, as the older clone smiled down at the four cadets. “You better hurry, Havoc won’t be passing through here for another 20 minutes”
The young cadets smiled back at 99 and began to move towards the exit, back to their barracks. 02 had picked up the tooka doll for 03 and once again held onto his sleeve so he wouldn’t get lost, and 01 turned off the flashlight, walking up to 99.
“I’m sorry 99, we promise to be more careful next time” 01 said, waiting for 04 to join him so they could go back to sleep.
04 didn’t say a thing as the four of them walked all the way back to their barracks.
He felt lighter, like a weight was suddenly lifted from his chest.
As his brothers settled back on their bunks, he himself sat down and looked over at them.
03 had no trouble falling asleep again and was soon snoring loudly, holding tightly to his tooka doll, with the blankets hanging from the side of the bed.
02 had decided to stay awake a while longer, fidgeting with his datapad. The bright light of the screen illuminates his features, deep in concentration.
And 01 was looking at him, when he noticed 04 looking back he lifted a thumb in a silent question. 04 hesitated for a moment before returning the gesture, signalizing to him that he was in fact ok.
01 then smiled and laid back down in his bunker, covering his eyes once more with his bandana.
04 sighed and laid down himself, covering his body with the blanket and turning his face to the wall. He allowed himself to relax, the gentle sounds of his roommates lulling him slowly into sleep.
After that night, something was clear in his mind, clearer than anything had been before: as long as he had his batch he would always have a place where he would belong.
“Guys… I think I’m gonna name myself Crosshair.”