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As someone who has failed to gain the recognition of Nous, Ratio hesitates to call himself a genius. It is not a sign of modesty, just the plain result of an evaluation of facts. Yes, Ratio is an exceptionally intelligent man and the capacity of his brain exceeds what most of his fellow humans will ever be able to grasp. He lives for knowledge and has never once wavered in his ideal to follow the path of the erudition. And still, in the end, it has not changed the fact that neither Nous nor the genius society have ever graced him with their attention. To this there can only be one logical conclusion: he is not worthy to be called a genius after all. Somehow, in the position he finds himself in right now, this feels like a comforting thought. Because a genius should not struggle with a trivial matter like Ratio does at that very moment.
Veritas Ratio collects doctor titles like other people collect stamps. He is an expert in many fields of knowledge, has written countless scientific articles and held courses on a multitude of topics. Unsolved problems have always been welcome challenges for him, and he is proud to say that he has been able to solve them all.
At least that is what it was like until a certain person stepped into his life and changed his brain’s chemistry.
Ratio still thinks that it sounds pathetic. He is well aware that it is a statement young people like to make about anything that catches their fleeting attention, a simple colloquialism, hilarious and highly misused. To him, it is unfortunately more than that. A fact. Something that has been happening inside his body, inside his brain, probably ever since the day he first met that irritating IPC guy.
Noradrenaline, dopamine, oxytocin - Ratio knows everything there is to know about them. He is pretty confident that someone could wake him up in the middle of the night and ask him to write down their skeletal formulas and that he would not fail. What comes as a surprise is something else: Never would he have suspected himself to find out how they affect the human mind and body. Not like this, with himself being the test subject. For as much as he hates to admit it, there can be no doubt about the fact that Dr. Veritas Ration has fallen in love with the person who calls himself Aventurine.
It is the least logical thing that has ever happened to him. The only thing which is easy to explain seems to be the attraction he feels. Ratio has heard many people say many bad things about Aventurine, but nobody has ever been oblivious to his good looks. Even without his flamboyant outfits, the man is extraordinarily eye-catching, and Ratio is not blind to beauty.
The rest is a lot harder to understand. Ever since their first encounter, that man has done his best to annoy Ratio with his teasing words and his cheeky behaviour, but still the doctor does not find it in him to not enjoy his company.
Aventurine is not educated, but he is clever and witty. His thought patterns are completely exceptional, yet also fascinating. Sometimes Ratio finds it easy to figure him out, other times he is totally unpredictable to him. He is by far the most fascinating person Ratio has ever met, and he awakens feelings in him the doctor did not even know he had before.
His only problem is: there seems to be no way for him to convey his feelings. All the time Aventurine had been lost in the realm of nihility, right after his terribly dangerous ‘show’ in Penacony, Ratio had been worried sick. He knew that he had done everything in his power to help him make it out of this mess alive, but he had not been sure if it really had been enough. When he had finally made it back - visually weakened, but alive - Ratio had been so relieved that he had actually felt the urge to hug him.This would have been a display of affection he has not shown to anybody but his parents, and the desire came as a surprise even to himself. However, of course he restrained himself, and when he finally got the chance to talk to Aventurine in peace, that damn gambler had just apologised for the inconvenience he had caused him. It had been infuriating to just brush it off by requesting him to never be so reckless again, but it had been the only thing Ratio had been able to come up with.
Afterwards, he had tried to stay in touch. He had messaged Aventurine, tried to show him that he cared (“ I haven’t heard from you in weeks. You did not get yourself killed, did you? ”). He had invited him out to dinner, and they had spent some nice evenings together (“ Thanks for taking me up on the offer. You’re less of a nuisance than everyone else I know .”).
However, for one reason or another, their relationship did not develop. Since Ratio had not been sure if this was a coincidence or a deliberate choice of Aventurine to keep him at arm's length, he had taken the most radical step of all and bluntly confessed to him. (“ Are you even aware that I am emotionally invested in you? ”)
Looking back to this day now, Ratio still felt the urge to hide his face under his beloved bust, but at least he has been able to draw some valuable conclusions from this… experiment:
1. Even the knowledge of the romantic literature from several planets encompassing a time span of several amber eras is not enough to qualify a rational man to make an aesthetically pleasing confession.
2. Being laughed at for exposing one's deepest feelings is painful.
3. Understanding that the person you confessed to might not even laugh at you because they do not reciprocate your feelings but because they have such a twisted view of their own lovability that they do not even consider the possibility someone might like them is… well, even more painful.
All of those pieces of knowledge have led Ratio to one final conclusion: Aventurine likes him enough to spend time with him, but he has never even considered the possibility of romance because of his special mental disposition. However, being oblivious to something does not equal rejecting it, so there is room for improvement. Ratio thinks he can do this. If the problem is that Aventurine needs to learn his own worth, he is the right man for the job. He is good at teaching, and he has a lot of thoughts about this little fool’s worth, after all.
Ratio takes a lot of time to research ways to boost someone’s self-esteem, but somehow, Aventurine seems to have some sort of lotus effect to himself regarding this matter: no matter what Ratio does, it rolls off his love interest’s mind, like droplets of water dripping from a plant only to vaporise on the ground.
“Your performance during that job was as reckless as ever, but the result speaks for itself.” he compliments him after they have once again successfully completed a job together. Such high praise does not come natural to him, but it is true and deserved, so he manages to speak it out loud without faltering.
Yet all he gets in return is: “Thanks, doc. I guess my good luck comes in handy at times, doesn’t it?”
“Talking to you is quite fascinating.” he admits in a situation where he is once again stunned about the other man’s unique thought patterns, only to get infuriated a minute later when Aventurine answers him with a laughter:
“That’s an interesting way to say that I’m an unpredictable idiot.”
And it goes on like this for weeks - until that one fateful day when the esteemed Dr. Veritas Ratio can no longer take it anymore and just snaps .
They have once again spent the evening together, enjoying a fine dinner in one of the best places in town, and Aventurine has been praising him for five minutes straight. He has called him handsome and intelligent, and also kind and caring, which is something he does not hear very often about his own person. Still, he feels that nothing will change between them, and he is no longer willing to accept it.
It takes only one swift movement to shut Aventurine up. It is only temporary, but Ratio knows that man well enough to understand that it is an achievement nonetheless. They are in a remote backstreet, Aventurine with his back against the wall and Ratio in front of him, keeping him in that place by cornering him with his hand pressed against the same wall. Ratio thinks that he sees a short glimpse of fear in Aventurine’s eyes, but it is replaced by his usual cocky demeanour so soon that he cannot be sure. Still, he feels sorry. Aventurine is noticeably smaller than him, and in that position that means he is now towering over him. This is not what he wants, but there is no turning back now.
“What is it, doctor?” Aventurine asks him, and Ratio thinks that he hears insecurity in his voice. It feels wrong, but maybe it is exactly what he needs.
“I have a name, you know.” Ratio states matter-of-factly.
“I know that, of course.” Aventurine assures him, his voice as smooth as silk. “It’s Ratio. Doctor… Veritas Ratio.”
Ratio finds himself nodding in agreement, as if Aventurine was his disciple who had just answered one of his questions correctly.
“Do you know what it means?” he asks him, and - upon seeing his confused look, adds: “Veritas. Do you know the meaning of this name?”
Aventurine’s next words sound a little embarrassed: “I’m afraid I don’t. You know that I lack some… education. Sorry.”
“This is hardly your fault, so don’t apologise.” Ratio tells him. “Anyway. Veritas means ‘truth’. My parents chose this name because they wanted me to become an upright person, and I have always been proud to live up to their expectations. So tell me…”
He pauses to look Aventurine in the eyes. He seems to be on guard, not sure where Ratio is trying to get with his words.
“... why is it that I cannot convey the truth to you? You have been complimenting me unrestrained for minutes now, but what about me? If I tell you that I value your skills you blame it on your good luck. If I talk about how much I enjoy our conversations you twist my words to let yourself look like a madman. Tell me: what do I have to do for you to understand that I genuinely love you, you damned gambler?”
Turns out it is exactly an outbreak like this one it takes for Aventurine to understand that he is being serious. The shocked look on the blond man’s features is enough to confirm that he has finally received the message.
“But… This is completely irrational.” Aventurine whispers sheepishly, making Ratio feel as if their roles have suddenly been inverted.
“Who ever told you there was rationality in love?” Ratio asks him, rolling his eyes in annoyance. “It’s chemistry.”
Something about those words makes Aventurine giggle: “So you’re telling me that it is irrational and scientific at the same time?”
Impossible, Ratio thinks. There’s no way that idle little peacock was teasing him in a situation like this!
“Do you want me to lecture you about it? I can do this right here and now.” he threatens, causing Aventurine to snort.
“I know, I know.” he assures him, still laughing. “Please don’t. I probably wouldn’t understand half of it anyway.”
They fall silent, and Ratio will never admit how much courage it takes for him to open his mouth again for his next words:
“How about I give you a little practical example to demonstrate my point instead?” he suggests, and it feels terrible to know that, right here and now, he can under no circumstances hide the blush creeping onto his features with one of his busts like he usually would.
He is rewarded with one of the very rare genuine smiles that even reach Aventurine’s pretty eyes, and that alone is worth the embarrassment he feels.
“I’ve never been more willing to be a test subject. Go ahead, teach me about that chemistry of yours.” Aventurine answers him with a smirk.
Ratio has no experience with something like this whatsoever, but he does his best to make up for it with his determination when he bends down to kiss Aventurine. It is a clumsy kiss, but there is no doubt that the smaller man reciprocates it. Ratio has no idea how long their kiss lasts, but it feels fleeting and endless at the same time. Every single of his senses seems to be hyper-aware. He can smell Aventurine’s expensive perfume, can hear his unsteady and excited breathing. He can feel his delicate fingers gently touching his neck, trembling slightly. And he thinks that everything is just the way it should be - until the moment their lips separate and he catches a glimpse of Aventurine’s eyes.
The emotions Ratio sees in those beautiful and unique eyes make his alarm bells ring. There is sorrow, and panic, and somehow, Ratio understands that Aventurine seems to be surprised by his own body’s reaction.
They look at each other in silence for a moment, and Ratio has to admit that he has no idea what to do.
In the end, it is Aventurine who takes action first. “I’m… so sorry.” he whispers before turning around and fleeing the situation - and Ratio does not find it in him to follow him right away - something he is going to regret again and again in the course of the following weeks.
***
‘So this is what heartache feels like.’ Ratio thinks. Almost a month has passed since he has kissed Aventurine, and they have not had any contact since that. Before, Ratio has always believed that heartache as a result of unrequited love is nothing but a poetical trope. A heart only hurts when there is something physically wrong with the body, and love does not affect it, after all. At the end of the day it is only a muscle regulating the blood flow and has nothing to do with a person’s emotions. He knows all this, and still, he cannot deny the symptoms.
Just like right now. He is just having lunch in a restaurant close to the IPC’s headquarters, when suddenly a wave of emotions hits him. He has been to this restaurant before, several times even, together with Aventurine, and he remembers how the man had teased him about his choice to always order the same salad. It is nothing but a silly memory, but suddenly, his chest feels as tight as if he is having an actual heart attack, and he understands perfectly well that this is nothing but heartache.
There is sadness - has he messed up everything and lost the person he loves?
There is fear - is Aventurine alright? His mental state has always been worrisome, and it is hard for Ratio to forget the look of panic on his face before they departed.
There is also anger - how can that damned gambler have the audacity to ghost him? Doesn’t he at least deserve to be turned down properly?
Ratio feels pathetic about his own thoughts, and he feels even more pathetic that he has a gut feeling that he needs to sit this out. He is not somebody to rely on such a feeling and would usually rather seek confrontation, but something tells him to be cautious. After all, was confessing to Aventurine with a kiss not a confrontation, too? He thinks so, and the result does not prove it to be the most successful approach he has ever taken.
In the end, his patience pays off. Two weeks later, Ratio receives a message from Aventurine. It contains nothing but an adress and a time, along with a number he cannot identify the meaning of, and when he arrives he is pretty surprised to find out that he has obviously been invited to Aventurine’s apartment and even been given the code to the building. In all the time they have been dating, they have never met in a place as private as their homes. Something about this sudden display of trust makes Ratio feel hopeful, but he reprimands himself not to get his spirits up too high.
Aventurine greets him with a smile, but Ratio immediately notices how tense he looks. And it's not just that. He seems pale - and has he lost weight again? He wants to address this as soon as possible, but years of practice have taught him that unlike him, most people take the advice of starting a difficult conversation with small talk seriously and do not just find it tedious.
And so, a few minutes later, he finds himself sitting on Aventurine's sofa, waiting for the man to come back from the kitchen with tea for both of them and takes a look around in the meantime.
Although Ratio does not care for interior design at all, he notices that Aventurine's apartment looks quite different from what he has imagined it to look like. It is easy to tell that the furniture is expensive, but not in the same show-off way Aventurine's clothes are. There is nothing flashy here. Instead, the place seems calm and cosy, yet also a bit impersonal. There are no decorations, very few books (at least from Ratio’s perspective) and no photos. Only a lone cat tower adds a personal touch and reminds Ratio that Aventurine has once told him that he has taken in three of those cat-like creatures of Ruan Mei a while ago.
“Sorry to keep you waiting” Aventurine interrupts Ratio's investigation of his room when coming back with the tea, and Ratio wonders if he is referring to his time in the kitchen or the exactly forty-three days since their last encounter, only to decide that it does not really make a difference.
“Thank you for the invitation.” he says instead and sits down on the sofa next to Ratio. And then the silence begins.
Aventurine is such a chatty person that his silence catches Ratio off-guard. He did not expect to be the one to have to start the chit-chat, and he has no idea how to proceed.
“So, how have you been?” he tries, only to be met with silence.
“I couldn't help but notice you look a little pale. Have you taken care of yourself properly?”
This time, he gets a laugh in return, but there is no pleasure in the sound.
“You will be the death of me, doctor.” Aventurine bursts out all of a sudden.
Ratio does not understand, and this is what he also tells Aventurine.
“What I mean”, Aventurine says, “is that the kindest, most handsome and most intelligent man I have ever met kissed me and my way of repaying him was by ditching and ghosting him. And that still, said man is now sitting here, concerned about my well-being.”
Their gazes meet, and Ratio thinks he can only comprehend a small amount of the feelings he sees in Aventurine's radiant eyes. He is pretty sure that there is guilt, but isn't there also something like a plea?
He sighs: “You need to stop thinking of everything as transactional, gambler. Kissing you was not a business matter, and it does not require any sort of repayment.”
Aventurine hesitates for a moment before speaking up: “But what if I wanted to repay you? What if I wanted to kiss you back and never let you go? And what if my body just betrayed me and made me flee instead?”
Aventurine's voice is quiet, and Ratio can hear a slight tremble in it.
So that was what happened, he realises and lets out a relieved laugh, causing Aventurine to look at him with confusion written all over his face.
“Here I was, thinking I got it all wrong when I thought you had the same feelings I have, only for you to make me understand we are both just… clumsy.”
Now, Aventurine even looked a little indignant. It was a look Ratio had never seen on him before, and he had to admit that he liked it quite a lot.
“I'm not clumsy, I'm a mess!” he exclaimed, but Ratio only shrugged his shoulders.
“I'm aware. I even told you so several times before, didn't I?”
“Then, what the heck is wrong with you? Do you want me to hurt you again?” There was now a shimmer in Aventurine's eyes, and Ratio wondered where it came from. Was it the excitement? He would think about it after giving him an answer:
“I'm a scholar, I am used to being met with setbacks. It is normal to make mistakes when figuring out something new, and this whole situation is new to me, and it seems to be the same for you. It is very likely that we will hurt each other several times, but that is just part of the learning process, and I am confident that the result will be worth the effort.”
Now, the shimmer has started to leave Aventurine's eyes in the form of thick tears trailing down his cheeks, but Ratio needs to make sure of something before he is willing to offer his comfort to the man with the trembling shoulders next to him.
“Our conversations do not always go smoothly, so forgive me for being this blunt: do you understand what I am trying to say or do you need me to put it in different words? This is important, so I will do my best to convey this message to you in any form necessary.”
Aventurine makes a sound which sounds like a sob and a laugh at the same time when he answers: “You mean that you're aware that I'm an idiot, but that you are unwilling to give up on me just because of this.”
Ratio nods in agreement, once again reassured in his judgement of Aventurine as an intelligent man.
“I’ll let that answer pass.” he says, causing Aventurine to snort through his tears.
“You are unique, doctor.” he says, and the fondness in his voice is so obvious that even Ratio has no problem identifying it as such.
“So are you, gambler.” he replies with a smile. He is very well aware that both of their ‘uniqueness’ would be considered nothing but oddness by most people, as flaws in their characters or the incapability of fitting in, but he couldn't care less. Making this work will require a lot of work and courage, but neither of them is lazy or cowardly, so he is confident when he now reaches out his hands to carefully wipe away the tears from Aventurine's face before taking him into a little stiff embrace.