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They weren’t making any progress. The SBPD has been on this same case for a week and Shawn had found little comfort in the fact that he and Gus had only been on it for six and a half days. It was not an entire week.
If he was honest, Shawn was beginning to drive himself crazy with this unsolvable case. But it started the same way as any other. There was a victim, suspects, clues. But maybe that was the problem; there were too many clues. And the frustrating thing was that the clues didn’t stop contradicting themselves. Even a visit and dinner with his dad two days ago didn’t help.
Shawn was growing tired of this case, but no one would catch him stop working on it. No matter what his dad always used to say, about how he supposedly quit when things got too hard. Gus, on the other hand, was saying that they had done everything they could. He tried to reassure Shawn, arguing that some cases went cold no matter how hard people worked to solve them. He was grateful, but upset at the same time. To Shawn, defeat wasn’t an option.
So here he was in the Psych office in the middle of the night. Gus was long gone, but he stayed behind. Shawn printed and gathered everything they had on the case and laid it out on the walls, desks and even on the floor when there wasn’t any room anymore. The blinds had been shut and all the lamps he could find were switched on.
Shawn ended up losing track of time. At one point his eyes started to burn, but he went on. A headache also developed, although he didn’t exactly know when it had begun. Things were gradually blurring together: the photos, the reports, the videos, all becoming a mass of confusing information. Even as he rubbed at his eyes every five minutes, his head pounded harder. Almost in rhythm with his heart, which he just noted was maybe a little too rapid. His breathing also speeded up without him realizing it. He felt warm all of sudden. A groan left his lips. Nothing made sense.
He couldn’t stop himself from scanning through the files, but it felt like too much. Everything felt like too much. Even the sound of his breathing seemed too loud. His brain wouldn’t cooperate anymore. Shawn briefly wondered if he was losing it. Or maybe he always was and it was just catching up with him now.
The lights were too hot. He felt dizzy. He felt suffocated. His heart would sooner or later leapt out of his ribcage. He absent-mindedly tugged at the hem of his t-shirt, but it was useless. As the videos endlessly looped, a fleeting thought passed and he needed to pause them, but he lost the remote somewhere and it hurt to think where he last put it. So as a habit he took his phone, that was thankfully in his back pocket, to ask Gus about it. It was only then that he noticed the trembling of his hands. And even as he flexed them it didn’t stop. After a few minutes of struggle he finally managed to call Gus. Four long rings later, which seemed like an eternity to Shawn, amongst all the noise in his head he finally heard the distinct bip of his call being picked up. Without letting his partner say anything, he began to talk first.
“Gus, buddy! I can’t find it! Do you know where it is? I don’t know where it went and FYI I didn’t lose it. I’m sure it went on a trip by itself and now I can’t find it.” Shawn blurted out really fast.
A grunt and then a husky voice came through the phone.
“Shawn? What are you talking ‘bout?”
“The TV remote, dude!”
A pregnant minute of silence passed.
‘Shawn, you do realize it’s one in the morning, right?’ To be fair, Shawn didn’t. The sense of time had long lost its meaning in his jumbled head. But given Gus’ sleepy voice, he supposed it was about right.
“... No.”
To say that Gus was used to Shawn’s antics would be an understatement, but even for him this was odd. He had no idea what Shawn was doing but he sounded off. He spoke too fast with too little breath between words, yet not as much as he tended to. Then he heard a suspicious sound. Like a whimper.
“Hey, are you okay? Where are you?”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I’m fine buddy. I’m at our office.” Shawn’s voice lacked his usual cheer and sounded strained, now that Gus focused on it, like talking was a strenuous effort.
“You didn’t leave?” Gus frowned in concern. It wasn’t rare for Shawn to stay and sometimes sleep in their office, but once again this time something seemed really weird.
“No, I couldn’t, I’m-”
“Shawn? Are you sure everything’s fine?” Gus cut him off and waited for an answer, but when he was met with a stretched moment of silence, his concern increased.
The buzzing in Shawn’s ears got so loud it drowned everything. His skin uncomfortably prickled. Not a single thought would stay longer than two seconds. His brain jumped from old memories to more recent ones to 80’s movies references. He felt like puking as his vision blurred.
Through the ringing in his ears, Shawn faintly heard Gus' panicking voice, but there was nothing he could do. He was drowning in his own head; sinking further and further to the point he didn’t know who he was anymore.
Gus immediately jumped out of bed, grabbed his shoes and coat, still in his fireman pajamas, before climbing in his blueberry. He drove above the speed limit and had kept his phone on, asking once again the same questions to an unresponsive Shawn. He knew what he did wasn’t safe, but he couldn’t find in him to care, not when his best friend seemed so far from okay.
In a record of time, Gus was back at the Psych office. Still, a pit of worry took place in his stomach and he nervously gulped as he stood outside.
The door was obviously unlocked as Shawn usually forgot to lock it while he was inside. Gus was taken aback the moment he got into the main room. The harsh contrast between the dark night and all the lights was particularly unkind on his retina.
He squinted and when his vision finally adjusted he felt like he stepped into another dimension. It was a real mess everywhere his eyes went. Their desks, pushed against the walls, were littered with papers and photos. The videos playing on repeat on their TV added to the hell his friend created for himself. Gus had never seen their office in this state. Likewise, he never saw Shawn in this state either. And if he was honest, it was really scaring him.
Shawn was huddled up in the middle of the back room, his back to him. His phone disregarded on the side, the screen showing their on-going call and Gus distractedly hung up. Shawn was sitting cross-legged, his head in his hands and his torso almost touching his thighs. Gus didn’t know how long he was like this, but it had to hurt. He winced sympathetically at the stressed position Shawn inflicted on his body.
But what was possibly more concerning was the fact that Shawn didn’t seem to acknowledge his presence. In all these years of friendship, he always knew when he was by his side. It was kind of disconcerting at first, but then it felt natural, reassuring.
Gus slowly stepped forward while minding the papers on the floor and tried to call for his best friend. “Shawn?”
When he didn’t get an answer, his frown deepened and he continued to come closer, speaking a little more loudly. “Shawn? You okay, dude?” The nervousness in his voice was a bit too obvious, but Gus didn’t care. Because only then, Shawn flinched and hunched forward, as if it was possible to make himself even smaller. His hands now covered his ears, like Gus was too loud. Which didn’t make sense, since he was far from yelling.
“What happened dude? You ate too much mac and cheese again?” Gus tried to lighten the atmosphere a bit, a smirk painfully forming on his face, but his joke fell flat.
Shawn didn't answer. The worry kept gnawing at the bottomless pit that was his stomach. Shawn always joked back, especially with his bad ones.
From his spot Gus still couldn't see Shawn’s face. His shoulders shook as if he had the hiccups, but he heard nothing besides sniffles and unintelligible mutters. His hands were shivering too hard and his breathing was too fast. Afraid that Shawn might be hyperventilating, Gus sprung into action and crossed the room in two strides. He planted himself in front of his partner before squatting down on both knees. Shawn still barely reacted to his best friend’s face being a foot from his.
Gus never saw Shawn like this. Even after he was shot and abducted, kept as a hostage for several long hours, he hadn’t reacted like this. Sure it had been hard, especially during the healing period, maybe more than Shawn was willing to admit, but Gus knew.
In the brightness of the room, Shawn’s bloodshot eyes were wide open but didn't seem to see anything. It looked like Shawn still tried to observe and take everything in. Tears had also leaked from his red-rimmed eyes and tracks long made a path on his cheeks. His mouth opened and closed but no real audible words left his lips. Gus didn’t know if Shawn was even aware of it. From his point of view, it was as if Shawn wasn’t really here, like he was very far away. So lost in his mind and out of his body.
“Shawn?” Gus whispered. He felt like he was approaching a frightened animal in the wilderness, which was absurd. It was his best friend who was obviously in distress and hurting. They were in their Psych office; the one place in the whole world made by and for themselves, where they spent numerous hours welcoming clients, solving crimes, sharing meals, cracking jokes, watching reality TV and movies. It was just the two of them in their safe place.
“Shawn? Can you hear me?”
A few painfully extended moments later, Shawn minutely nodded. It was so faint that Gus would surely have missed it were he not so close to him. Gus also noted that his hands continued to severely tremble and put pressure on his ears with a little too much force.
“Can I touch you?” Gus softly asked.
Gus didn’t know where this level of composure came from. He felt so out of his comfort zone, yet very calm and poised at the same time. He was the only one who could help Shawn at this moment, and anyway he wouldn’t want anyone here right now while his best friend was in such a vulnerable state. A sense of protectiveness surged from deep inside Gus with a strength that even shocked him.
Shawn was a little more quick to answer, Gus wouldn’t know for sure though since he didn’t time it before. But it felt like it and it gave him hope. Shawn gave a small nod again and Gus breathed a bit more easily. Each time Shawn responded to him made Gus see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Gus decided to gently take his hands away from his ears. They were cold and the spasms still didn’t subside at all. So Gus kept Shawn’s hands in his, in an attempt to share some of his warmth and to provide him an anchor so he could come back to reality.
Now that he looked a bit closer, Gus noticed how sickly pale Shawn’s complexion was against all the harsh lights. His breathing was shallow and erratic. Shawn also struggled to keep his eyes focused on one point and even failed to hold eye contact for more than a second. He looked exhausted, sporting dark bags he rarely ever saw under his eyes, and Gus briefly wondered how much sleep he got since they were on this case. Even if Shawn could give him an answer, he had a feeling he wouldn’t like it anyway.
“Shawn? Can you close your eyes?” But Shawn slightly frowned and shook his head, refusing at first. “Please. trust me, buddy. Close your eyes.”
Then Shawn reluctantly complied. He heavily blinked, like he momentarily forgot how to close his eyes, before darkness enveloped him. Memories of his eight year old self with his father in some place with people and hats mingled with the present. He briefly lost himself in his memories before Gus spoke again.
“That’s it Shawn. You’re doing great. Focus only on me, okay? Only on the sound of my voice and your sense of touch. Forget your vision for a moment. Can you do that?”
Shawn gave a timid nod and squeezed Gus’ hands with as much strength as he could manage, which wasn’t much right now as he still felt rather weak.
“Ok Shawn. That’s good. Now I need you to imitate my breathing, Lamaze-style, remember? It’s easy, follow me buddy. Breathe in slowly through your nose and breathe out through the mouth. In and out.”
Shawn had some difficulties at first, his breathing stuttering and faltering at times. But he kept his eyes firmly closed and kept trying. After an unknown amount of time and continuous words of encouragement from Gus, Shawn finally managed to regain some control over his breathing and heart rate.
And then little by little Shawn calmed down and was more like himself again. Not one hundred percent like himself but somewhat like a human being at least. Things were coming to him less aggressively. With his eyes still closed, he slowly took in what he could sense and feel. First was Gus’ presence, comforting, warm, safe. He could feel some worry flowing out of him in the way he gripped tightly his hands. Or maybe that was him, he didn’t know. He had some trouble comprehending where his body started and ended.
A chill suddenly overtook his body and he got goosebumps. Which was odd since he also felt a bit hot, sweat gathering on his brow and the back of his neck. That was when he took notice of the various lamps turned on around the office. A wave of fatigue overwhelmed him and he slowly sagged forward, nearly head-butting Gus’ torso.
He also noticed that he couldn’t quite feel his legs anymore, but he supposed that was relatively normal given his cross-legged position on the floor for however long it had been.
A hazy memory of a previous conversation with Gus suddenly came back to the forefront of his mind and he opened his eyes with a gasp.
“Gus! The TV remote! Did you find it?”
“What? No I-”
“I need it, I need it. It’s important, Gus!” Shawn was growing agitated, wondering why Gus didn’t look for it and refused to listen to him.
“Hey, hey, hey. Calm down-”
“No, you don’t understand. I need it, I figured something, it’s-” Shawn began to raise himself off the floor, but he stumbled and crumpled back, his legs completely numb.
“No, you need to calm down, Shawn.” Gus let go of Shawn’s hands to put his hands on his shoulders, keeping him in place. He didn’t need him to hurt himself any more. But he noticed Shawn barely listened to him, his eyes going between him and the TV. So he went to grab Shawn’s face in his hands instead. There he gently held him to force him to meet his eyes. “Shawn. Shawn. Look at me. Listen to me. It can wait, okay? It can wait. Now calm down, breathe, you overexerted yourself again. Stop it, please. Your mind needs to rest too, dude.”
Shawn put up some struggle at first, but given he was still weak and exhausted it didn’t last long before he reluctantly surrendered. Frustrated tears built up in his eyes and a sob racked his body. He was slowly falling apart. Nothing was going right. He was tired of being exhausted. He was tired of not being able to solve this case. But what upset him more was the fact this case wasn’t even like when Yin and Yang were after him and the ones he loved: where he was seriously emotionally challenged. This one was just a simple dumb case on paper. Yet he rarely ever struggled like this. He was tired of pretending like everything was fine. He was tired .
But he thankfully didn’t have to go through all of this by himself. Especially not now. Gus was here by his side, like always. He immediately caught him before he could hurt his head on the floor. He put his arms around Shawn’s shoulders and held him tight. One hand caressed his back, while the other went to his head as Shawn slowly angled his face toward his shoulder, nuzzling against his neck. And for once Gus didn’t mind being covered in snot and tears. Not as long as his friend needed him.
“Shh, shh, it’s okay. You’re gonna be okay, Shawn. I’m here. I’m here. You’re strong Shawn. I’m never gonna let you down. We’ll go through this together, like always, you hear me? It’s gonna be okay, buddy.” Gus couldn’t completely keep his voice from trembling, nor his tears from falling, being a sympathetic crier. But he did his best to keep it together. He had to, for Shawn’s sake.
Then Gus felt Shawn’s hands grip the front of his pajama shirt and hold on it like a lifeline.
Time flew again without the two boys noticing. They were in their own bubble, cut from the rest of the world. Nothing in the world mattered more than them at this moment. They weren't psychic detectives and a pharmaceutical salesman. They were just Shawn and Gus. Best friends since birth. And that was all that mattered right now.
In the end, they both left the office and Gus decided to take Shawn to his place. He just helped Shawn, tear tracks drying on his face and shaky legs, to sit on one of their chairs while he turned off the television and the lamps. Then they headed to his condo in his Blueberry.
Gus really wasn't too keen on dropping Shawn at his apartment and leaving him there alone for the rest of the night, or morning, especially not after an episode like this. He needed to see him to make sure he was alright. Plus he had a sneaking suspicion that he wouldn’t get much sleep without Shawn by his side, worrying to no end.
As he drove at the right speed limit this time, silence reigned in the small car. But it wasn’t an uncomfortable one. It felt more like a moment of peace with the windows down, where two friends enjoyed the light breeze of the early hours of Santa Barbara. Once again the feeling that they truly were alone in the world was significant.
Just as Gus parked his car and unbuckled his seat belt, he turned to Shawn and noticed that he was fast asleep. A small but fond smile formed on his face. Gus knew that it was most likely that Shawn would go back to his usual self in the morning. Pretending to be a psychic and solving crimes, while following his fashion of never mentioning what he was feeling or what happened ever again. And it was a silent mutual agreement between them, so Gus couldn’t blame him, no matter if it was healthy or not. That was how they worked while caring deeply for each other.
But for now, Gus woke him up and took him to his apartment upstairs. After some struggle, juggling with his keys and a half asleep Shawn, they finally got in and headed straight for the bedroom where he dropped Shawn. Almost as soon as his head hit the pillow, Shawn fell back asleep, trusting Gus to arrange his legs and make sure he wouldn’t hurt himself.
The moment Gus went to leave Shawn sleep to remove his coat and get a large glass of water that he was certain would be very much needed when Shawn awoke, a small tug at his pajamas stopped him in his tracks. There he saw Shawn’s hand, with half-lidded eyes. His mouth opened and closed without any sound leaving. He wetted his lips and then looked almost shy all of sudden.
“Thanks Gus. For-for looking out for me. I know I’m not- I never realize when I go too far. You’re the best buddy ever, you know that, right?” Shawn’s eyes pleaded while his voice raspy and heavy with exhaustion that hung loudly in the silence of the bedroom.
To say that Gus was surprised was an understatement. This was rare, the whole sharing feelings stuff, that he could count on one hand the moments Shawn talked with honesty and authenticity. And Gus was grateful to witness it everytime. His expression softened and a warm smile formed on his face.
“You know I'll always be here for you. Like I know you'll always be here for me. I love you Shawn.”
A content grin took place on Shawn’s face, satisfied and relieved. A few moments and a glass of water later, Gus slipped under the covers next to Shawn who sleepily snuggled close to him. His best friend seemingly felt finally at peace after hurting so much that Gus couldn’t be more grateful for this moment.