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Cady grew up loving all of her scars.
She got her first one at seven, when she’d cut her leg against a tree branch while following her mom around. She’d had plenty of cuts and bruises, but this had been a lot more serious than that. She’d had to get stitches and everything.
Once the stitches were out, and she saw the mark still there, she’d asked her mom if the mark would ever go away.
“Maybe. Maybe not,” her mom had replied. When Cady had started to tear up, her mom had said, “But it won’t hurt anymore, and scars are beautiful. They’re like…little memories all over our bodies. They show all the things we’ve lived through. All the things we’ve done. All the things we’ve survived...sometimes the things we’ve accomplished, too.”
Cady held those words close to her heart. As her life went on, and she picked up more scars (she was an active kid…scars were sort of part of the territory), she’d sometimes stare at them in the mirror, smiling or wincing or laughing at all the memories that each scar held.
Cady couldn’t imagine life without her scars...couldn’t picture her body without them. In her mind, they were a part of what made her…her.
It wasn’t until she got to North Shore that she realized that most people thought scars were a bad thing.
—
Getting hit by that stupid bus had changed Regina’s entire life.
There were the obvious ways…she’d never be completely free of pain. The things that usually caught up with people in their 50s or 60s (or fucking never, if they were lucky) would be plaguing Regina at 18, even with her doing everything her physical therapist told her to do. She was constantly told how fortunate she was to be able to walk at all.
Yeah…real fortunate.
Then there were the scars. It wasn’t anything that Regina couldn’t cover up. Most of them were on her back or her sides (one side from where the bus hit…the other side where her body had skidded across the pavement), but she absolutely hated them. She never let anyone see her naked anymore. Even when she’d hooked up with Shane when she got out of the neck collar, she’d make them do it with the lights off and her shirt on. She didn’t want him to see…to feel …how different her body was now. How scarred. How ugly .
The other ways were a little more subtle. She had to deal with everyone constantly asking about the accident without asking about the accident. Questions like, “How are you feeling?” or “Do you need help?” that wouldn’t have even registered to her before the bus felt like personal slights now.
It was the way people said it…all soft and pitying…like they hadn’t ever feared her or loathed her. Like they were her friends. She hated feeling like a charity case, but…she was regularly in a lot of pain, and she did need people to do things for her sometimes, especially right after the accident. She’d had a hard time not avoiding everyone in her life, because no one (including herself) had any idea how to balance these two very opposed facts.
Except for Cady…who despite her obvious feelings of guilt, had managed to avoid making Regina feel weird about her new normal. She never pointed it out when Regina flinched in pain, but she knew when to step in and make sure that any time she actually did have to help Regina, she didn’t call attention to it.
She’d told Cady that she liked her at spring fling, but Cady’s constant support had moved those feelings to love…Cady was her best friend. The person she grew to trust more than anyone else after the accident, even with all the betrayal of their junior year…and sort of because of it. She knew Cady had the capacity to be cruel, and she chose not to be. It made Regina feel safe with Cady and hopeful that she’d be able to choose to be a kinder person, too.
When Regina had asked Cady where she was going to college, and Cady had casually mentioned that NYU was her first choice, Regina had quickly decided that was her first choice, too. It wasn’t hard - Regina had gotten into a lot of schools. Turns out being a rich girl with solid grades who got hit by a bus was a pretty compelling reason for any school to accept her.
She’d suggested to Cady that they could get an apartment together, and Cady had jumped at the opportunity. Regina told herself it was about convenience. Knowing someone in college that could make her feel a little less like a useless, ugly freak hiding a secret was an obvious choice. Cady fit the bill. That’s all there was to it.
So what if Cady was the only person that was allowed to hug Regina after the accident? So what if Cady’s smile made her heart beat faster? So what if Cady had been the person she cared about most since the moment they’d met?
Regina told herself that was all irrelevant. It couldn’t go past loving Cady as a friend. She couldn’t like Cady that way…because Cady would never want her that way.
Not like this.
Not with all her scars.
—
When Regina had gotten hit by the bus, Cady had been sure that she was dead. There was no way someone could survive something like that.
Even after finding out that she was alive, Cady spent the first few days after the accident, waiting to see on social media or hear from Karen that Regina was gone. Cady saw it over and over whenever she closed her eyes.
Regina in front of her…then a bus…and then Regina gone, in the blink of an eye.
She’d been so thankful that Regina was okay. After spring fling, she’d been even more thankful that Regina forgave her…she didn’t even blame Cady for the bus, even though Cady blamed herself. From that moment, Cady had decided that she would always be Regina’s friend. Regina needed more friends rather than followers like she’d had before the accident, or people who coddled her like she was about to break, like she had after. Plus, Cady couldn’t stand the thought of losing Regina…especially since she’d come so close to losing her forever.
So, Cady would always be her friend.
Somewhere during senior year, though, as Cady got closer to Regina and got to really know her without all the social bullshit, Cady had fallen in love.
She decided to keep that to herself. Regina needed a friend. She didn’t need someone else drooling over her.
Once they’d gotten to college, and she’d started living with Regina, ignoring her feelings got a lot harder. Without the pressure from high school and her parents (and without hundreds of people knowing her as “the girl who got hit by the bus”), Regina was a lot more relaxed. She smiled more. She was much kinder (even though she was still a little short tempered and ready to cut down anyone that tried to get in her or Cady’s way…that would probably always be a part of Regina). She just seemed a lot happier, which made Cady happy.
That was enough. It needed to be enough. It didn’t matter that sometimes, the way Regina looked at Cady made it seem like she was maybe feeling the same…like she wanted to kiss Cady…like she loved Cady in the same way that Cady loved her. Cady couldn’t risk their friendship on empty hopes and dreams.
—
“Oh, you need to try this on,” Regina said. “It’ll look so good on you.”
“You think?” Cady asked, holding the dress Regina had picked out for her.
“I know,” Regina said. “And I think it matches what you’re going for.”
Cady looked at the price tag, and her eyes went wide. Cady had mentioned after a party they’d gone to the week before that she didn’t have anything nice to wear. Regina had immediately scheduled a shopping trip and offered to pay for everything.
“Regina, this is expensive,” Cady said. “It’s…way too much.”
“Do you have to say that about every single thing I pick out?” Regina asked, rolling her eyes. “Don’t worry about it. I’ve got it covered.”
“I just think-”
“Let me spoil you, Cady,” Regina said. As far as she was concerned, it was the least she could do since Cady had been so good to her after the hell Regina caused during junior year. She added, to make it seem more friendly, “Besides, improving your wardrobe is doing a service for the world.”
Cady laughed. “It’s not that bad.”
“It is,” Regina said. “You’re still wearing the same shit you did in high school. It’s tragic.”
“It’s practical. Why buy new stuff if my old stuff is still good?” Cady asked.
“Cady, your old stuff was never good.”
Cady shoved Regina. “I didn’t let you bring me here to insult me.”
“But you like it,” Regina said with a shrug. Regina hoped she wasn’t being too flirty.
Cady hoped Regina couldn’t tell exactly how much she liked it.
“Let’s just try some of this stuff on,” Cady said.
They found a couple of dressing rooms right next to each other.
“I’m not trying all of these on,” Cady said. “You picked out, like, 40 things for me.”
“Just choose your favorites,” Regina said, pulling on a pair of pants. “Or let me buy them all for you.”
Cady laughed to herself and shook her head. “You’re so ridiculous.”
“You love me,” Regina said.
“Yeah…I do,” Cady said, glad that Regina couldn’t see her blush.
They tried on clothes for a while, stepping out here and there so they could ask each other’s opinions on some things. Cady finished up, grabbing her favorite things and waiting just outside of Regina’s dressing room, and Regina only had one dress left to try.
Regina pulled the dress on and briefly questioned the last time she’d worn one…maybe prom? She didn’t know why this dress had caught her eye, but as she started to put it on, she could tell that her instincts were right. It was hugging her in all the right places. She went to zip it up and immediately loudly winced.
“Regina?” Cady said from outside her dressing room. “You good?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Regina snapped, then she softened her tone. “Just trying this dress on.”
“Can’t reach the zipper?” Cady asked.
“I can, I just…” Regina drifted off, then took a deep breath. It was normal…not being able to reach the zipper on a dress was normal. She didn’t need to lie about it. “Yeah, I can’t reach. Can you help me?”
Cady was immediately knocking on the dressing room door, and Regina let her in.
“Alright, turn towards the mirror,” Cady said. She quickly pushed Regina’s hair over her shoulder and zipped up the dress. She looked at Regina in the mirror. Her mouth went a little dry…Regina looked so good. “Oh, yeah. You need to get this.”
“Right?” Regina said, posing in front of the mirror. “It’s incredible.”
“Totally,” Cady said. “When’s the last time you were in a dress?”
Regina laughed a little. “I asked myself the same thing. Probably prom.”
“Oh yeah!” Cady said, not believing that she’d forgotten. They’d gone together, and Regina’s dress had complimented her own…and pushed the boundaries of the dress code. She’d grabbed the attention of everyone in the room, then easily won prom queen. She couldn’t believe that this dress was even better.
“So you like it?” Regina asked, locking eyes with Cady in the mirror.
“Of course,” Cady said, trying to keep her voice even and not do something stupid…like kiss Regina or drop to her knees or something else just as crazy. “It looks perfect on you.”
Regina nodded. “Settled. Okay, can you unzip me?”
Cady nodded and put her hand on Regina’s zipper. She paused for a split second. Zipping Regina up had felt distinctly like a favor for a friend. Helping her get undressed? Cady’s mind was in a totally different place. She pulled the zipper down slowly…and her eyes caught on Regina’s back.
On her surgery scar from the bus accident.
It ran all the way from the base of Regina’s neck down past the zipper line.
Cady felt in awe. Of course, seeing it brought up the old feelings of guilt, but mostly…it just reminded her of exactly how strong Regina was. A bus had plowed into her well over the speed limit, and Regina had survived. She’d been resilient enough that she’d been at spring fling, walking and dancing with only a wince here and there.
Literally nothing could stop Regina George…even death itself.
It was beautiful.
Cady immediately wanted to kiss Regina right at the top of the scar, but she held herself back. Unfortunately, she was so focused on stopping that action that she hadn’t been able to stop her hand touching the scar and running down to the base of the zipper. She felt Regina shiver…
And then Regina quickly stepped away.
“Thanks, I’m good, now,” Regina said, quickly. “You c-can leave.”
Cady blinked a few times, then said. “Sure…yeah, sure,” before stepping out and going back to the chair she’d been in before. She wanted to kick herself…she’d been so good about keeping her feelings in check, and she sees one scar and can’t control herself? God, she’d ruined everything. Regina had to know that Cady wanted her now, and she knew Regina wouldn’t want to be her friend after knowing that. She’d crossed a line and made Regina uncomfortable.
In the dressing room, Regina tried to catch her breath. She couldn’t believe that she’d been stupid enough to forget about her scars. She immediately felt tears running down her cheeks. She knew what Cady must’ve thought…that the scar she’d seen was huge and crazy and ugly …
She’d been trying to act like she didn’t care…that she didn’t want Cady…but she couldn’t ignore it, now that she was sure that Cady could never love her.
Not with all these fucking scars…
She aggressively wiped her face, got redressed, and hurried out of the dressing room.
“Ready to pay?” Regina said when she stepped out of the dressing room.
“Uh…yeah,” Cady said. “Do you…wanna grab that dress, or-”
“Don’t want it,” Regina quickly said, handing Cady her card. “Just get whatever. I’ll be in the car.”
Regina barely got out the door before she started crying again.
Cady wanted to forget buying anything and just follow Regina, but it was clear that Regina wanted some distance. Cady grabbed a few things for herself, then decided to grab the dress, too…just in case Regina changed her mind about it.
The drive home was silent. As soon as they were back in their apartment, Regina went straight to her room and locked the door.
Cady felt herself start to cry.
Regina never locked the door.
—
Regina barely spoke to Cady for the next few days.
Cady had been hopeful that maybe Regina would forgive her for crossing the friend boundary, but she lost that hope after day 3 of almost no contact. It hurt so badly…she’d already reconciled in her head that Regina wouldn’t ever fall for her. Knowing that was one thing. Seeing Regina hide from her so she didn’t have to deal with letting Cady down easy? That was so much worse.
All because she couldn’t stop herself from touching Regina. Touching that scar.
One moment of weakness had risked their entire friendship. Cady hoped that with time, Regina could forgive and forget, and they’d be able to laugh about it someday…but at the moment, she was just trying to give Regina her space.
Until she heard Regina crying in her room, and Cady started to worry that more was going on with Regina that she didn’t know about.
Cady knocked on the door, and called, “Regina? You okay?”
“I’m fine,” Regina said, clearly crying. She’d been crying on and off since that day in the store…beating herself up for forgetting to hide her scars.
“You’re not,” Cady said. “Will you please let me in?”
Regina didn’t respond for a little while, and Cady was worried that Regina was ignoring her. She started to walk away from the door, but she heard the lock click and she ran back.
“I’m coming in,” Cady said, giving Regina some warning…just in case.
When Cady came in, Regina was lying in her bed, facing away from the door. Cady slowly approached her, then sat on the edge of the bed. She wanted to wrap Regina up and cuddle her, like she’d done plenty of times before, but she didn’t want to overstep. Her need to touch pretty things had been what started this in the first place.
Regina felt the distance…as much as she was avoiding Cady, she’d sort of wished that Cady would reach out and touch her. She didn’t blame the other girl, though. She’d probably keep a distance, too, if she saw herself with that scar.
“Gonna say anything?” Regina asked, feeling vulnerable.
“I…” Cady wished she’d planned something. “Is there something going on? Like, something at school or with your parents or-”
“No,” Regina said quickly, hiding her face in her pillow. “Nothing’s going on.”
Cady closed her eyes and took a deep breath before saying, “So…this is about what happened in the dressing room?”
“Cady, we don’t need to talk about this-”
“Yes, we do,” Cady said. “You’ve barely talked to me. I just…I’m sorry. I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable. I just…I saw your back, and-”
“Cady, please,” Regina said, flipping to look at her. Cady’s heart clenched, seeing Regina’s eyes puffy from crying. “Just let it go.”
Cady nodded. “Okay. I’ll just…let you get through this…alone.” Cady knew that she should leave, but she felt wrong leaving Regina like this. “Do you…do you hate me?”
Cady knew it was selfish to ask, but she needed to know.
Regina was just confused by the question.
“Do I…no, Cady,” Regina said. “How can I blame you for reacting like you did? That scar is…” Regina shook her head. “I can’t blame you for thinking it’s gross.”
Now Cady was the confused one. “Wait…what?”
“It’s gross,” Regina repeated. “And huge, and I know it’s hard to look at. I’ve never let anyone look at it, I just…forgot about it that day, which was dumb.”
“Regina…” Cady blinked a few times, trying to understand. “Do you think…I didn’t want to see your scar or something?”
“Obviously,” Regina replied.
Cady wanted to cry with relief. “Regina, that’s not what happened at all.”
“Don’t lie to me,” Regina said. “I saw your face in the mirror. You saw it, and went quiet, and then…then you touched it , and you looked totally zoned out. You’ve never looked at me like that before, Cady.”
“Regina, I swear, you’ve got it all wrong,” Cady said.
“Then what the fuck happened?” Regina asked angrily. “What made you look at me like that? What made you touch it?”
Cady really didn’t want to say…didn’t want to confess the one thing she’d been trying to hide from Regina, but it had to be better than Regina thinking she was repulsed by her scar, right? She had to be honest.
“I…um…okay, so…can you agree not to hate me?” Cady asked, then quickly said, “Wait, that’s not fair. You can hate me. I just…can you maybe not kick me out? Or at least not right away. Maybe let me find another place-”
“Cady, just say what you’re gonna say,” Regina said, trying to sound exasperated, but Cady was ridiculously cute when she started rambling, even during an emotional breakdown. Cady just stared at her, so Regina said, “I won’t kick you out. Just talk to me.”
“Okay,” Cady said. “That day, I saw your scar, and I just…I thought it was, like, so beautiful that it scrambled my brain a little, and I thought about kissing it, but I didn’t, but I didn’t stop myself from touching it, and God, Regina, I have no idea what my face was doing, but I was so overwhelmed with how much I loved it and how much I’m in love with you and-” Cady cut herself off, realizing what she’d said. “I…I didn’t mean to say that. I’m sorry, that wasn’t fair to say. This is about your feelings, not mine-”
“I…what?” Regina was at a complete loss. She must have heard wrong. “Cady…what?”
“I’m sorry. You need me right now. You don’t need me to dump my feelings on you-”
“Cady, did you just say you’re in love with me?” Regina said, brain finally catching up.
Cady just barely kept herself from hyperventilating. “...yes?”
“How…how long?” Regina asked.
Cady shook her head. “We don’t need to talk about this right now.”
“We do,” Regina said. “We really do. How long?”
Cady sighed. “I think sometime during senior year? But there’s always been a pull between us…at least from my side. Sometimes I would think you…you maybe felt the same, too, but then I thought you maybe were mad that I touched you in the dressing room the other day. Like…maybe I crossed the friendship line, and you didn’t know how to tell me that you didn’t want me. I know that it was about more than that, now.”
“We…we were not on the same page at all,” Regina said with a hollow laugh. “Cady, I love you, too.”
“Like…as a friend, or-”
“Cady, be serious,” Regina said.
“I just don’t want to assume anything,” Cady said. “That’s caused enough issues for us.”
“Cady, I’ve been in love with you for a long time,” Regina said, finally fully admitting it to herself. “I was just scared you didn’t feel the same for me, and after the accident, I got scared you would never think I was…enough for you.”
“That’s…” Cady didn’t even know what to say. How could Regina ever think she wasn’t enough? Cady got closer to Regina and asked, “Can I kiss you?”
Regina looked like she couldn’t believe what was happening. “You want to?”
“Yes,” Cady whispered. “I do.”
Regina leaned forward and pulled Cady into a kiss. It started soft and tentative. Cady didn’t want to push Regina too far. Regina didn’t want to be too eager and wake up…just in case this was a dream. It didn’t take long for them to get lost in the kiss, though. Regina bit Cady’s lower lip, and Cady opened her mouth, letting Regina’s tongue in.
Regina pushed Cady back onto the bed and started kissing Cady’s neck.
“Regina,” Cady moaned out. Some part of her brain wanted to ask Regina if she was okay, but she couldn’t get the words to come out. Regina felt too good against her. Regina ran her hands under Cady’s shirt, cupping Cady’s chest over her bra.
“Is this okay?” Regina asked against Cady’s ear. “Is it too fast?”
“No,” Cady managed to get out. “Jesus, Regina, do whatever you want.”
Regina smiled and sat up. She pulled Cady up with her and pulled her top off. Before Cady went back to lying down, she undid her bra and pulled it off. Regina’s eyes snapped to her chest.
“Too much?” Cady asked.
Regina shook her head. “Perfect. You’re perfect.”
Before Regina could push her back, Cady grabbed Regina’s hand and ran it across her stomach.
“You feel that?” Cady asked, and Regina looked at her confused.
“Feel what?”
Cady put Regina’s hand on a particular spot on her stomach…right across a scar.
“That,” Cady said. “From when I got my appendix removed.”
“I remember that,” Regina said. “Happened the summer between junior and senior year. You started screaming out of nowhere. Freaked me the fuck out.”
“See?” Cady said with a smile. “There’s a story, there. All scars have a story.”
“That one is a terrible story,” Regina said.
“But a story, nonetheless,” Cady said. “It just shows that I got through it. That I survived. Do you think it makes me ugly?”
“No!” Regina said, locking eyes with Cady. “But it’s not the same for me.”
“How?” Cady asked. “What’s different between yours and mine?”
“Because they’re not all over you,” Regina said.
“If they were, would you think I was ugly?”
Regina immediately shook her head. “No. I’d still think you were perfect.”
“That’s how I see you,” Cady said, trying to focus on Regina and not on how Regina was looking at her with so much want in her eyes. “Regina, you don’t owe me anything. If you never want to show me, you don’t have to. Any part of you that you let me have…I’m lucky to have.”
Regina felt a tear roll down her cheek. How did someone as wonderful as Cady Heron exist?
She grabbed Cady’s hands and let them settle on her back…under her shirt.
“Maybe…maybe for tonight, you can just feel them,” Regina said. “Is that enough for now?”
Cady beamed, feeling the little ridges along Regina’s body. She leaned forward and pulled Regina into another kiss, running her hands up and down Regina’s back.
Cady pulled away just a bit to say, “That’s enough. More than enough.”