Chapter Text
Yuuri misses the mornings he would wake up alone.
When Victor awoke some time before him and left no presence of himself aside from an ache in Yuuri’s muscles and an unsettling loneliness in his gut.
He misses when it was a means to an end, supply to a need, fuel for a want.
Now Victor hung around.
Yuuri wakes up overheated, Victor’s body warm where it’s wrapped around Yuuri’s. Sometimes he wakes to the smell of coffee in the other room before Victor returns with a mug for himself and tea for Yuuri.
He misses when things were less complicated.
Yuuri loves Victor. As much as he hated to admit that he did, he couldn’t help it.
Victor… Victor wanted Yuuri. That’s all he knew. They didn’t talk about what they were, they didn’t exchange any deep understanding of their feelings aside from praise and pleasure. Once it was over, the door was shut, and Victor showed no interest in reopening it.
Yuuri kept swearing he was going to call it off, stop seeing Victor, but every time Victor called, Yuuri would show. He would take Victor home and fall in love with him all over again.
Until he hit his limit.
They’d been hooking up for nearly a year off and on. Victor called, and Yuuri showed.
That night wasn’t a solo affair, but rather a group of their friends. They all sat around a table out back, members of the party slowly disappearing until it was just Victor and Yuuri. Victor was looking at Yuuri like he hung the stars, and with enough liquid courage, Yuuri leaned forward to touch him, to just brush his hair out of his eyes, crossing a line from “meaningless” sex to casual romantic gestures.
Victor seemed like he was going to let him until he flinched back.
“What are you doing,” Victor asked quietly.
“I just thought… sorry….”
“No, I'm sorry. I’m gonna go get a drink.”
“Okay.”
Yuuri watched as Victor, slightly flushed, stood up from the table and made his way back into the bar. Yuuri sat alone for a while, once his drink was empty and no one returned, he too made his way inside for another.
He spotted Victor’s platinum hair almost instantly, he was standing by the bar with a girl. His eyes met Yuuri’s before he turned and ordered another shot. Yuuri watched as he downed it, and said something to the girl before she tugged him off.
Yuuri helped himself to another drink, settling into the back of the bar, hoping the alcohol would set in soon and he wouldn’t feel anything.
He watched as Victor came stumbling out of the bathroom, a different girl in tow. He didn’t notice Yuuri sitting alone as they made their way back to the dance floor.
Still at the end of the night, it was Yuuri he ended up with. When it was over and done, Yuuri left a sleeping Victor to go to the bathroom. As he grabbed his glasses from the bedside table, Victor’s phone lit up with a text from an unmarked number saying she had fun tonight. Yuuri made it to the bathroom and threw up. Afterwards he washed his face, catching his reflection in the mirror. He looked as miserable as he felt. Every inch of his skin feeling too dirty to clean and yet it craved Victor’s touch.
It’s not fair, He thought, as he slid to the ground, knees hugged against his chest. He just felt pathetic more than anything. He quickly pulled himself together and made his way out to Victor’s balcony. He stood staring out at the city for a while.
His solitude was interrupted when Victor came padding out, wrapping his arms around Yuuri’s middle and leaning his head on his shoulder.
“Why’re you out here,” He asked, sleep thickening his accent and slurring his words.
“I just needed some air.”
“Mm,” Victor hummed and he nuzzled Yuuri's neck. 2 years ago he would have welcomed the gesture as a simple act of intimacy, nothing more, but now it tore through him and left him feeling gutted.
Yuuri was done. It didn’t matter if Victor told him he loved him right now. Yuuri would leave the apartment and never look back. He would move on from Victor and find a man that wasn’t scared to be with him, who loved Yuuri like he was something to be shared, not a secret to be kept.
Yuuri stepped out of Victor’s arms without a word and made his way back inside. He was only wearing a t-shit and underwear so he made his way back to the room to the rest of his clothes, Victor following close behind. It wasn’t until Yuuri made for his shoes that Victor realized what was happening.
“You’re leaving?”
Yuuri didn’t reply.
“Yuuri, it’s 4am.”
“I know.”
“So just stay.”
“I can’t.”
“You can’t?”
Yuuri didn’t reply again, moving to his second shoe. Victor took it from him.
“Victor, give it back.”
“Why are you leaving?”
Victor, please-“
“Just tell me. It’s 4am let’s just go back to bed.”
“No, just give me my shoe.”
“Why not?”
“I just can’t?”
“Can’t or won’t?”
Can’t. Won’t… Both? Does it matter?”
“It does to me.”
“Since when. Since when has anything about me every mattered to you.”
“Yuuri-“
“No. You don’t get to be upset. You call me over week after week and I’m stupid enough to show up. You make me feel so loved for a night and then it’s like it never happened. You go to bars and drink until suddenly you can convince the women you kiss taste like men. I can’t do this anymore.”
“Yuuri-“
“No. I can’t, Victor. I can’t be some dirty secret. You can’t just drink away the way you feel for me and think I’ll be okay. Just do me a favor, when you marry some woman and you wake up one night to realize your life is miserable, that you can’t conjournup the energy to see her as nothing more than the title of your wife , at least do me the favor of getting to say I told you so. ”
Victor didn’t say anything as Yuuri grabbed his shoe, slipped it on and left the apartment behind.
Victor didn’t call. He didn’t text. In fact, Yuuri didn’t see him again.
Not for another 9 years.
Yuuri was visiting a friend in the city. In celebration the decided to go out to the same bar from all those years ago. They found a seat in the back, the same place Yuuri touched Victor gently in public and was shot down. It didn’t hurt anymore.
Yuuri volunteered to get drinks and he made his way to the bar.
He stopped in his tracks at that too familar platinum hair seated on a barstool next to the only open bartender. Yuuri made his way up and took his order. As he waited, he caught Victor’s attention.
“Yuuri?”
Yuuri turned, brown eyes meeting blue.
“Hi.”
“It’s been a while, how are you?”
“Good. Congratulations, by the way. Phichit told me the news.” Yuuri’s eye flicked to Victor’s wedding bad.
He flushed as he followed Yuuri eyes, “Yeah thanks. She’s wonderful.”
“Ah, she.”
Victor didn't reply to this simply nodding and downing the rest of his drink. Yuuri gathered his on a tray and made to leave but Victor caught his arm.
“Want to dance? I’d like to catch up.”
Yuuri should have said no.
“Sure.”
—
At some point in the night, Yuuri excused himself to the bathroom. He was splashing water on his face when someone walked in.
Victor stood behind him, breath hitting Yuuri’s neck. He reeked of alcohol and Yuuri wanted so badly to turn around and make a poor decision.
Victor leaned in, now breadths away from Yuuri.
“Victor,” Yuuri whispered. He meant for it to sound stern, like a warning, but instead it came out desperate, longing.
“I miss you,” Victor whispered. “I never stopped thinking about you.”
Yuuri wanted to burst out laughing. He felt hysterical.
And he did.
A singular, loud, Ha, slipped from his lips.
Victor took a step back and met Yuuri’s eyes in the mirror.
Yuuri placed his hands on the counter and spun to face Victor.
Yuuri face-to-face with what he left behind and Victor face-to-face with what he lost.
Face-to-face with what he could have had.
Face-to-face with I told you so.
The hysterical feeling faded as a long buried rage burned in Yuuri’s throat. He hated it. He hated that after all this time he wanted nothing more than those first nights with Victor.
When things were less complicated.
Except things were complicated now, Victor made his choice all the years ago. Yuuri met Victor’s eyes.
“Goodbye, Victor.”
He stepped around him and left the room, Victor calling after him.
Yuuri made his way back out to the dance floor where he found his friend. They laughed and danced the night away.