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Merlin is used to this. Used to Arthur walking away whenever his vulnerable heart is at risk of being exposed.
Merlin is used to this.
That doesn’t make it hurt any less.
“Arthur,” Merlin watches his king go, shoulders slumped and head bowed low— so obviously defeated it brings tears to Merlin’s eyes.
“Arthur!” Merlin calls again, but Arthur ignores him, all but storming away and deeper into the forest.
They’ll have to find themselves a new king.
Head reeling with Arthur’s words and heart racing as they seep into his skin and sink down into his stomach, heavy and nauseating, Merlin scrambles to his feet and follows even though he knows Arthur will probably yell at him for it.
He can’t leave him alone, not now, can’t let Arthur walk away believing that he doesn’t deserve to be king, that he isn’t special at all when Merlin has never met anybody like him in his entire life.
“Arthur, Arthur wait!” he shouts, following him into the trees until he can no longer hear the sounds of their camp behind them. All there is now is dense undergrowth and the slanted light of the setting sun, filtering through the leaves.
“Go back, Merlin,” Arthur orders without so much as glancing over his shoulder. “Leave me.”
Merlin shakes his head even though he knows Arthur can’t see it. “No, not when you’re talking like that. I know you’re angry but you can’t honestly believe that you don’t deserve—”
“Angry?” Arthur stops and rounds on him so fast Merlin almost runs right into him. “I’m not angry, I’m hurt! I’m hurt, I’m tired, and Merlin — Merlin I’m heartbroken.”
Frowning, Merlin looks at Arthur then. Truly looks at him and finally sees just how true those words are. He sees how pale Arthur’s face is, save for splotches of raspberry pink high on his cheeks, the way he bites his already chapped lips to hide the way they tremble and the hunch of his shoulders caused by so much more than muscle soreness.
Arthur has lost all faith in himself and it’s making him more honest than he’s ever been, at least with Merlin.
“Why, because of what Tristan said? I already told you that he doesn’t know you, Arthur, don’t let him make you feel like this.”
“It’s not just Tristan, it’s everything. Merlin, I’m a fool- I’ve let myself be deceived by people I care about, people I love.” Arthur looks at him, blue eyes shining in the gathering darkness. “I was blinded by Agravaine's treachery as I was Morgana's and I let Camelot be destroyed—”
“Arthur you didn’t let Camelot—”
“Yes, I did. I’ve lost everything, and I have no one to blame but myself.” A few tears run down Arthur’s cheeks then, and Merlin aches to just reach out and brush them away, to pull Arthur into his arms and hold him until it doesn’t hurt anymore.
“Arthur,”
“Leave me Merlin, please.” Arthur wipes at his face angrily and turns away again, but of course Merlin can’t just let it go, can’t just leave Arthur alone when he’s in so much pain.
“No,” he says, grasping Arthur’s wrist before he can take more than a couple of steps. “Arthur, you know I can’t- I won’t.”
Arthur huffs angrily, throws Merlin a glare that he refuses to wither under. “What if I tell you I don't want you here?”
“What if I tell you I don't care?” Merlin counters defiantly, sees the way Arthur’s jaw clenches in anger.
“This is ridiculous Merlin,” Arthur tugs his wrist from Merlin’s grasp. “Why can you never just let me be?”
Arthur is walking away again and Merlin’s heart can’t stand it, trembling in his chest as it tries to keep from breaking. “Because I love you Arthur!” the words burst free before he can swallow them back down like he usually would- the way he’s done a thousand times before.
When Arthur freezes everything falls silent. Even the forest seems to be holding its breath; waiting to see what Arthur will do next. All Merlin can hear is his own blood rushing in his ears and he tries desperately to wrestle the building panic and keep from bolting. He wonders if the trees are trembling the way he is.
When Arthur turns to him, shadows fall across his face and Merlin can’t properly make out his expression. “What did you just say to me?”
“I said—” Merlin’s voice comes out hoarse, broken and barely there. He swallows hard and tries again. “I said that I love you.”
“I see,” Arthur sounds vaguely mocking. Merlin ignores the way it stings. “Because I am your king?”
Merlin knows he should probably say yes and make up some terrible joke to make the words seem like they’re worth less than they are but he can’t. Not anymore. He has to let Arthur see his secret heart, no matter what the consequences may be. “No, sire.” He shakes his head, dares to take a step towards Arthur. “I mean yes, I love you as my king but also as the friend you try so hard sometimes to pretend that you’re not,” Merlin takes a deep breath, curls his hands into fists by his side in an effort to stop them shaking. “I love you because you’re Arthur, for the man that you are and the man that I feel I can be when I’m with you. I love you in all the ways a person can love another.”
“Merlin,”
Oh. Oh no. Merlin knows that tone of voice, the way Arthur says his name when he’s about to say something that will certainly cause Merlin pain but he’s trying to soften the blow anyway. Merlin doesn’t want to hear it, wants to go back to camp, curl up by the nearest fire and convince his heart to break quietly instead of splitting the earth and tearing down the sky.
He’s just glad that nobody else is around to witness his misplaced love being flayed until it’s raw and bleeding.
“I won’t apologise for my feelings,” Merlin keeps his chin up, holding Arthur’s gaze despite how very small and stupid he suddenly feels. What did he expect? For Arthur to take him in his arms and kiss him in a way he’s never been kissed before? Naïve. “But I will apologise for any offence they may cause you. I didn’t mean to be so… inappropriate.”
“It’s never bothered you before,” for a moment Arthur sounds like he might laugh, but it never comes. “How long?”
Merlin frowns. “How long what?”
“How long have you felt this way?” Arthur asks and Merlin suddenly wishes he knew a spell to make himself invisible. “Merlin, how long?” he repeats when Merlin doesn't reply.
“I don’t know, maybe always?” Merlin cringes internally when he realises how stupid that must sound. “I didn’t understand the feeling for what it was until you risked your life to bring back the Morteus flower when I drank that poison.”
“But Merlin that was years ago! Why did you never say anything?” Arthur sounds almost incredulous, like he can’t believe what he’s hearing.
Merlin wants to laugh. “I wanted to, so many times but I just- I guess I was afraid.”
“Afraid of what? Of me- Merlin, did you think I would hurt you?”
“No, but I was afraid that you wouldn’t understand, and that you’d send me away when all I want is to be by your side. Your servant until the day I die, remember?” Merlin tries the familiarity of playful banter but for the first time it falls flat. “Please don’t banish me Arthur, I’ll never mention my feelings again I swear to you, just let me fight for and stay in Camelot.”
Let me stay with you, are the words he dare not add.
Arthur looks conflicted, like he isn’t sure what he’s supposed to do next. “Merlin, I don’t really know what to say,”
“Don’t say anything!” Merlin rushes to tell him, trying to keep from crumbling and wondering why he even opened his big mouth in the first place. “It’s not like I ever expected you to—” he swallows hard, unable to finish what he’s trying to say. “Please don't let my stupid heart come between…” he can’t bring himself to say us when there is no us with him and Arthur. There never was. “I’m still your idiot manservant, clearly, nothing has to change.”
Please don’t let it change.
“It will change everything, Merlin, it already has.”
“But-”
Arthur interrupts before Merlin can speak, “Why now, Merlin? Why would you tell me this now?”
“What does it matter?” Merlin snaps before he can bite back the retort. “Clearly it was a mistake.”
“Is that really what you think?” Arthur’s eyes are twin firestorms in the golden flames of sundown, whether shimmering with hurt or anger, Merlin cannot tell. “Loving me is a mistake?”
Merlin shakes his head, would probably laugh at the absurdity of this situation were it not for his breaking heart clogging up his throat and making it difficult to breathe. “Loving you is not the mistake, Arthur,” he sighs, wishing he’d just turned back like he was told instead of pushing and pushing until he pushed way too far. “Telling you is. Look, Arthur, I don’t want to fight about this. You don’t feel the same and that’s…” he pauses, swallows down the it’s tearing me apart already that’s trying to break free and searches desperately for something else to say. “It’s okay.”
It isn’t. But he doesn’t know what else to say.
“And you know that to be true, how?” Arthur asks, petulant. “Asked me, have you?”
Merlin scoffs. “Your reaction makes it pretty obvious. Nobody gets angry at somebody saying I love you unless they’re afraid to hear it.”
Silence follows.
Arthur is walking away.
Again.
“Arthur-”
And Merlin follows. Again.
Always.
“I can’t!”
Merlin stops walking when Arthur does, beneath a large oak, the leaves falling down on them like rain. “Why can’t you?” The mere thought of there being the slightest chance that Arthur feels the same way has him pushing once more rather than settling for silence and dismissal.
“Because nothing can ever happen between us!” Arthur shouts, face stricken as he finally turns to face Merlin again.
“Who’s to say nothing can happen?” Merlin wonders if his words sound as desperate to Arthur as they do to his own ears.
Arthur scoffs, but it falls from his lips as a sad, resigned sigh that rips another piece from Merlin’s already splintering heart.
“What?”
Arthur shakes his head and sighs again. Quieter this time. “I was a fool,”
“Arthur-”
Arthur takes several steps backwards and Merlin is terrified he’s about to lose everything. “It’s all talk. And that’s all it can ever be.”
Eyes downcast and shoulders shaking with the emotion he was never taught how to express, Arthur is a castle crumbling in on itself after years of neglect and the sight of it has Merlin’s heart leading his body before his brain can comprehend what’s happening.
He reaches out, rests a hand on the side of Arthur’s neck and pushes trembling fingers into the blonde of his hair.
“Merlin-” Arthur warns, bringing a hand up to grasp Merlin’s wrist and pull it away when Merlin dares stroke the pad of his thumb across Arthur’s cheek.
Choked by unshed tears, Merlin can barely breathe. “I understand,” he manages to say even though he doesn’t. Not really.
He’ll never understand why a love this strong cannot be.
Sniffling, Merlin slides his hand back to where it was before when Arthur lets go and doesn’t stop him.
There’s something, then, in the moment that follows. Something in the way Arthur looks at him with blue eyes full of tears that mirror his own.
Almost like Arthur is seeing him for the first time.
And perhaps he is, but for once Merlin doesn’t question it when between one heartbeat and the next, Arthur is kissing him. Soft, slow and unsure, but with his whole heart poured into it alongside everything they’ve both been too afraid to speak of let alone name.
When the kiss ends, as all kisses must, and they part, Merlin can no longer hold back his tears.
“I’m sorry,” Arthur whispers into Merlin’s neck when he pulls him into his arms and holds him tighter than he’s ever dared dream of being held.
Merlin sobs as he clings to Arthur like he’ll die if he lets go. Right there beneath the trees, Merlin lives an eternity in a single moment, and knows what it would be like to have Arthur like this for the rest of his life.
But moments are just that, moments.
Perhaps in another life, he and Arthur will be together for all of their moments, but in this life, the one where Arthur is the golden future of Camelot and Merlin the secret sorcerer destined to stand in his shadow—
Their moment ends here.
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