Archive of Our Own

     Before the bus, Regina George used her body like a weapon. It was merely the shiniest tool in her expansive arsenal to help her get what she wanted. You could argue that her behavior was self-destructive (and you’d be right), but nothing in the before was quite so destructive as the way Regina inhabited her body in the after .

     Gone was her flawless skin, her perfect proportions. Everything she worked so hard for, every restriction she employed so exactly, every exercise she practiced daily without fail, all wasted.

     She had been perfect, at least on the outside, and now, she was disfigured. Fat. 

     Ugly. 

     Now the outside matched the in. 

     Pale skin interrupted by jagged red lines where she’d been crushed (snapped?) apart and stitched back together. Extra weight perched in her midsection, a consequence of being too broken to move. Hair awkwardly chopped or shaved off where they had to slice into her neck to place the rod that kept her shattered spine from disintegrating completely.

     Regina had always resented the number of mirrors in her room, but never more than she did now, when such a disgusting sight looked back at her. 

     It’s a little ridiculous, how much hatred Regina has for the girl staring back at her. Their feud runs much deeper than even her worst rivalry with Janis Imi’ike, her hatred for herself now greater than any hatred she’s ever felt before. It’s unhealthy, surely, the amount of rage the sight of her own body fills her with. 

     It’s all she can think about in the aftermath of the accident, especially once she’s released from the hospital. Lots of people come by the house to drop off flowers or cards or take selfies with her mom and wish her well on Insta, but most are too afraid to come up. 

     Shane visits, but he never has all that much to say. Still, she’s grateful for the way he pretends that things haven’t changed completely and entirely. He still talks about baseball, and lifting, and what exactly Regina wants him to wear for spring fling. She enjoys his attempts at normalcy, even though they don’t align with her current reality. 

     Karen is the first of her girls to make an appearance, nearly two weeks after she comes home, and embarrassingly enough, Regina cries. Karen holds her hand and says she’s sorry and Regina is sorry too, even if she has trouble forcing the words out of her mouth. 

     When Karen leaves, it’s with a kiss on the arm (she was too nervous to accidentally mess something up by getting too close to Regina’s head) and a promise to return soon. 

     Gretchen comes with her the next day, and they cry together too. Regina’s apologies come faster this time, even if they aren’t any easier to get out. She’s hurt Gretchen the most, she knows that, and she needs Gretchen to know that none of this was her fault. That Regina was a bitch and a horrible monster, and it was only a matter of time before karma caught up with her. 

     Gretchen isn’t too afraid to kiss her forehead, and Regina would be lying if she said she wasn’t immensely comforted by the contact. 

     On the fourth consecutive day that Karen and Gretchen visit together, Regina has to ask. 

     “Have either of you seen much of Cady?” She tries to make it sound casual, but how could it? After a certain level of history, a certain depth of feeling, being casual is an impossibility.

     Gretchen looks away, and Karen slides one hand into Regina’s and the other into Gretchen’s. 

     “She’s asked about you,” Gretchen offers, flicking her eyes back to Regina’s before they flick away again. “But she, um. She’s not really—she isn’t at school much.”

     “Why not?” Regina asks, that familiar demanding authority creeping back into her tone before she can help it. She tries to be softer the second time she asks. “Why not?”

     “She’s kind of not okay. Like, head-ally.” 

     “Mentally,” Gretchen gently corrects, shooting Karen a soft smile.

     “Right, mentally,” Karen says, the barest hint of a flush coloring her deep tan cheeks.    Regina briefly wonders how long Karen’s had a crush on Gretchen, wonders if Gretchen has done anything about the crush she’s been harboring since Karen shot up six inches in the summer before eighth grade. She wonders if Gretchen has realized that she doesn’t like boys yet, or if she’s still in denial, like Regina was for all those years. 

     Those are questions for another day, when Regina’s body isn’t aching and her brain isn’t foggy from the Percocet. 

     “Is she… what’s wrong with her?” Regina asks, because the meds have kicked in and she can’t think of a more eloquent way to put it. 

     “She, um… she was right there when you… got hurt. She—she’s the one who realized you weren’t breathing. She gave you mouth to mouth and held your hand until they took you away. Damian says she’s still pretty messed up from it. She doesn’t really like to talk about it.” 

     Something dark and heavy settles in Regina’s chest, an awful feeling that she’s ruined     Cady Heron beyond repair, just like she’s ruined herself. 

     Cady played a part in her ruin, sure, but Regina doesn’t blame her. Can’t. The first thing she remembers thinking when she woke up in the hospital in horrible pain was that she had it coming. 

     “Does she know I’m okay?” Regina asks, even though she isn’t, really. She is alive, though, and she thinks that knowledge might set Cady Heron at ease. 

     “She knows you made it,” Gretchen says, but she can’t meet Regina’s eye.

     “Spit it out, Gretchen. Please,” she adds. Unbitchifying herself is going to have a steep learning curve, she fears.

     “She wants to see you but she thinks you hate her,” Gretchen says, finally meeting Regina’s gaze. “She feels like this is all her fault.” 

     “It kinda is,” Karen says, but Regina’s quick to shut it down.

     “It’s not her fault, Kare. Not really,” Regina sighs, and just that quickly, she doesn’t feel like talking anymore. “I’m tired. I’m gonna take a nap.”

     “Okay,” Gretchen says, already getting up. She lets go of the hand Regina didn’t realize she’d been holding. Regina kind of forgot she had hands for a second. Percocet, it’s a hell of a drug. “Can we get you anything before you go?” 

     “Will you send my mom up?” Regina asks, and Gretchen and Karen both nod. Karen lets go of her other hand, but Karen and Gretchen stay linked. 

     Gaayyyyyyy! Regina wants to shout, but even high as shit, she knows that’s a bad idea. 

     “Gretchy?”

     “Yeah, Gigi?” Gretchen asks, and for a split second, it’s like the last 6 years never happened. Like she and Gretchen are sitting in her Little Mix themed bedroom, sipping strawberry lemonade out of glasses with little umbrellas, building mostly-pink houses out of legos, and not talking about boys at all. They’re not Regina George and Gretchen Wieners, plastics royalty and the hottest girls in school. They’re just Gigi and Gretchy, 

Dweeby little femme best friends. “Will you tell Cady I’m not mad at her? And that I want her to come see me? When she’s ready.” 

     Gretchen is clearly shocked by Regina’s earnestness, but she doesn’t comment on it.

     “Of course.” 

     She turns to walk towards the door, but Regina whines.

     “You okay?” Gretchen asks, turning back with Karen in tow. 

     “Are you guys really not gonna kiss me goodbye?” Regina says, the ghost of a smile playing at her lips, and Gretchen can’t help but squeak out a laugh.

     Karen grins along with her, but mostly because of how pretty Gretchen looks when she’s happy. 

     “My apologies, Gigi,” Gretchen says, walking back to Regina’s bed to carefully lean down and press a kiss to her forehead. “Better?”

     “Much. Kare?”

     Karen presses a kiss to her forehead this time too, careful to avoid bumping or jostling Regina in any way. 

     “Okay. You can go now. Bye,” Regina says, yawning. 

     Gretchen gives her calf a little squeeze on the way out, the both of them wishing Regina sweet dreams as they leave. 

     Gretchen never lets go of Karen’s hand.

     Regina briefly wonders how rude it is to just tell someone they’re gay, and wonders if she can get away with calling Gretchen a dyke (lovingly) if she blames it on the pain meds. 

     June walks in before she can think too much about it, poking her head in the door with a soft smile. 

     “Hi, baby. The girls said you asked for me?”

———

     It’s five more days before Cady Heron makes an appearance, softly knocking on Regina’s door before she peeks her little head in. 

     Regina can’t tell if she looks more relieved or more unsettled by what she finds. The horrible part of her brain is telling her that Cady looks horrified because Regina’s a lot fatter and uglier than she was the last time Cady saw her, but on some level, she knows that’s not the truth. 

     “Cady, hey,” Regina says, trying to sit up a little straighter until her spine feels like it’s on fire and she remembers why she’s laying like this. 

     “Are you okay?” Cady asks, rushing over to the bed to check on the girl she watched die. Violently .

     “I’ve been better,” Regina tries to joke, but it comes off flat. “I’m okay, Cady. I just moved a little wrong. No harm done.”

     A watery laugh bubbles out. 

     “No harm, huh?” Cady says, sucking in a choked breath. “I’ve caused you so much harm, Regina. So, so much. I ruined you,” Cady says, dissolving into sobs.

     Regina grabs for Cady’s hand, unbothered by the twinge of pain she feels from reaching too far for it. It fucking sucks, to hear Cady confirm what she’s long suspected but everyone else has been too nice to tell her—that she, Regina George, the beautiful, shiny queen of the plastics—is ruined. Cracked. Crushed under the weight of everyone’s towering expectations and a 30,000 pound bus. 

     It’s worse, though, to hear Cady weep over her. 

     Regina squeezes her hand. It’s the best she can do for now. 

     “I’m so sorry,” Cady cries, trying to muffle her sobs. “I’m so sorry, Reggie.”

     “Cady,” Regina calls, but Cady doesn’t respond. She pulls Cady’s hand up and kisses the back of it, and that captures Cady’s full attention. Her breath hitches in her throat as she stares at Regina, who is still so stupidly beautiful that it’s almost unbelievable. 

     “Cady, listen to me, okay? This was not your fault. Do you understand?”

     “Not my fault? Be so for real, Regina. This is all my fault,” Cady says, clutching Regina’s hand tight. 

     “It wasn’t. I’m the one who dumped the stupid burn book pages everywhere, I’m the one who wrote most of the entries, and I’m the one who brought all of this on myself. You were merely a… catalyst.” 

     “A catalyst?” Cady asks, an incredulous laugh tickling the back of her throat.

     “Yeah, Loser. It’s a chemistry term. Do you need a dictionary?” 

     “I know what it means, actually,” Cady says, sniffling as she gathers her thoughts. “I’m on the double-advanced science track.” 

     “I know,” Regina says, which makes Cady’s eyebrows crinkle. Cady knows a stupid amount of stuff about Regina George, but so does everyone else. For as long as Cady’s been in Evanston and for a long while before she arrived, everyone has been obsessed with Regina George. That’s why Cady knows Regina’s schedule by heart. That’s why she knows Regina’s preferred route to every class, her favorite a la carte lunch options, her preference for the blue and red Haribo twin snakes over every other flavor. 

     Cady Heron, on the other hand, is a loser mathlete homeschooled jungle freak from Kenya. So why does Regina know anything about her? 

     “Earth to Cady,” Regina calls, squeezing Cady’s hand. 

     “I’m here,” Cady says, gently lifting Regina’s hand and pressing it to her cheek before she can think better of it. 

     Regina feels the blood rush to Cady’s cheek against the back of her hand when Cady realizes what she’s done, and it’s even more endearing than she remembers. It’s always been cute to see Cady blush, but to feel it… that’s something else entirely. It’s power—something she’s been stripped of entirely the last few weeks—and it makes Regina’s heart thump a little faster, makes her head go a little dizzy, makes her feel almost drunk.

     Or, you know. Could be the drugs. 

     “I’m here,” Cady says again, her voice barely above a whisper this time. There’s guilt in her gaze as she stares at Regina, and Regina hates it. “I’m sorry I didn’t come to see you sooner.”

     “It’s okay,” Regina says even though she’s not sure she means it. “Gretchen says you’ve been a little… under the weather.” 

     “Crazy is probably a better word for it,” Cady says with a tiny laugh, and Regina smiles. “I, uh. I kinda freaked out when you…”

     “Died?” Regina says it so casually that Cady chokes just a little. “Yeah, Karen said we had our first kiss and I wasn’t even awake for it. I’m pissed.”

     Cady just stares at her, ‘cause what the fuck do you say to that?

     “Honestly, Cady, give a girl a chance to respond next time. Now you’re gonna think I’m a bad kisser.” 

     “You did puke on me a little,” Cady says after a few long, silent seconds. “Not exactly your best performance.” 

     “My deepest apologies,” Regina says, that cocky Regina grin spreading across her face. Cady’s so unbelievably happy to see it that she can’t help but grin a little too. “Give me a little warning next time and I’ll make it worth your while, I promise,” Regina says, shooting Cady a wink. 

     “I’ll keep that in mind,” Cady says with a little giggle, feeling some of the horrible weight she’s been carrying lift off of her chest. She has an unquenchable need to scoop Regina into her arms and protect her forever, but she settles for holding her hand for now. She can’t be responsible for breaking Regina George any worse, and right now, Regina is uncharacteristically fragile. Hurting Regina George again would actually kill her. 

     Cady lifts Regina’s hand back to her face—or rather, she leans down to meet it where it’s still hanging in the air—sighing when Regina presses her hand a little closer. 

     “Are you okay?” Regina asks, concentrating really hard to get the words out. 

     Cady tilts her head up, but she keeps the back of Regina’s hand pressed firmly to her cheek. She looks exhausted, and Regina’s too high to not say so. 

     “You’re tired,” She says, shaking off Cady’s hand to touch the dark circles under her eyes. She pokes her a little bit, too out of it to realize that she’s using too much pressure, but Cady doesn’t mind. She’ll take Regina nearly poking her eye out over Regina crumpled on the ground any day. 

     “Yeah,” Cady says with a tiny laugh, leaning into Regina’s too-hard touch. She’ll happily take Regina’s touch any way it comes. “I was really worried about you, Reggie.”

     “Reggie,” Regina hums, her eyes closing as she scrunches her nose in a smile. “No one’s allowed to call me that, you know.”

     “I’m sorry,” Cady says, her tone already rising with anxiety. “I didn’t—”

     “Stop apologizing,” Regina says, her eyes still closed. “You’re too cute to apologize so much, Cady.”

     “I’m too cute?” Cady asks, and she feels like kicking her feet and giggling despite the circumstances. Her emotions are all over the place—which, to be fair, is how they’ve always been around Regina. 

     “Mmh. Cute enough to call me Reggie and not get slapped,” Regina says, her eyes still closed, her mouth contorted in a grimace as she tries to settle into a comfortable position. 

     “I’ll stop, Regg—Regina. I didn’t mean to—”

     “Hey Cady?” 

     “Yeah?”

     “Shut the fuck up, okay?” Regina says, and her tone is so sweet that Cady doesn’t even care what she said. 

     “Okay,” Cady says, grabbing Regina’s hand again. She gently sets their joined hands on the bed. 

     It’s not long before the tiniest snores start spilling out of Regina’s half-open mouth, and Cady’s stomach feels like it’s going to explode. It occurs to her that there’s nowhere else she’d rather be, and she knows what she has to do. 

     When Regina wakes up, she’s alone. 

———

     Regina’s in a foul mood until around 4pm the next day, when Karen and Gretchen leave because they’re tired of her bad attitude. Okay, they say they leave so she can get some rest, but Regina knows “get some rest” is code for “take a nap and quit being such a bitch,” which is… fair, to be honest. 

     Regina doesn’t particularly want to be around herself either, but it’s not like she has a choice. 

     She’s groaning and trying to wiggle into a more comfortable position when a familiar head of strawberry-blonde hair peers through the door. 

     “You came back,” Regina says, and she hates how relieved she sounds. 

     “Of course. I, um… I had something I had to take care of, but you looked so peaceful that I just… didn’t want to wake you. I’m sorry if I—”

     “Stop apologizing,” Regina says, a little more fire behind it than there was yesterday. 

     “I am sorry, though,” Cady says, looking at Regina with sad puppy eyes, and Regina can’t take it. 

     “Cady… c’mere. C’mon, I can’t exactly get up and walk over to you.”

     Cady obliges as quickly as she can, shuffling over to Regina and sitting in the seat next to her bed, just like she did yesterday. 

     “What do you need to apologize for, huh?” 

     Cady balks. She vaguely gestures to Regina’s broken form. 

     “You got hit by a bus, Regina. Because I tried to ruin your life. I’m the reason you were out in the street, and I’m never going to forgive myself for—”

     “It’s not your fault. Okay? Don’t apologize for things that aren’t your fault,” Regina says, making the steadiest eye contact with Cady that she can manage. 

     “But it is my f—”

     “Cady, baby, I don’t wanna do this every fuckin’ day, okay? Are you gonna keep visiting me?” Regina asks, grabbing Cady’s arm. She was reaching for Cady’s hand, but she couldn’t quite reach. 

     “Of course,” Cady says, looking sad that Regina even had to ask. 

     “Okay, then… all is forgiven. I’m over it. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I just want you to come back, okay?”

     “I’ll come back every day,” Cady promises, nodding her head with an earnestness Regina’s not sure she’s ever possessed. 

     “You’re gonna get sick of me,” Regina says. If she says it before Cady can think it, then maybe Cady will realize that she’s, like, super -fucking-self-aware, and like her anyway. Even if she is annoying and easy to get sick of. 

     “I won’t,” Cady says, shaking her head. 

     “You will.”

     “I never have before.”

     “Liar,” Regina accuses, but even she can hear the doubt in her voice. 

     “I swear,” Cady says, crossing her heart. “No more lying, Reggie. It makes me too sick to my stomach.”

     Regina’s mouth quirks up in a little smile. She’s absolutely radiant, even with the neck brace. 

     “How’d you end up so soft, huh?” Regina asks. At first Cady thinks it’s an insult, but the way Regina’s looking at her…

     She makes it seem like a good thing. 

     “I don’t, um,” Cady stutters, flushing bright red under Regina’s gaze. “I just am, I guess. I never would’ve been a very good plastic.”

     “You were pretty good at being plastic after you dethroned me,” Regina says, her nose scrunching up when she smiles, and it actually causes physical pain in Cady’s chest. Regina George, apex predator of North Shore High School, has no business being this stinkin’ cute. 

     “I’m s—”

     “Cady, that better not be an apology coming out of your mouth, or I swear to god—”

     “I’m sure I wasn’t as good at it as you,” Cady says, proud of herself for coming up with something to say that makes some kind of sense. 

     “You weren’t,” Regina says, smiling until her back seizes up and her grin becomes a grimace. 

     “What can I do?” Cady asks. She’s not stupid enough to ask if Regina’s in pain like everyone else who visits—well, besides Shane, but he doesn’t ask much of anything—and Regina likes that. 

     “Can you go ask my mom for a heat pack? She’ll know what to give you,” Regina asks, because Cady is offering, and because Cady has already watched her be reduced to a splattered pile of flesh on the ground. The idea of maintaining some sort of dignity or superiority around her is laughable. 

     “Sure, I’ll be right back,” Cady says, still nodding as she scurries out the door. 

     It’s maybe three minutes before she returns, a heat pack over her arm and a sweating bottle of water in her hands. 

     “Here you go,” Cady says, holding the pack out to Regina.

     Gina grabs it, a stab of pain slicing through her as she tries to place it under her back.

     Cady’s hands hover over her, but Regina panics.

     “I got it,” she says, trying in vain to wiggle the pack into place. She doesn’t need Cady’s hands all over her backfat, thank you very much. 

     She struggles for another twenty or so seconds before Cady covers Regina’s hands with her own.

     “Let me help. Please?” Cady basically begs, her palms barely touching the back of Regina’s hands. Regina looks so afraid, and Cady can’t work out why. 

     Regina could call for her mom, she knows that. But that would just make a bigger deal out of this than she already has, and it would be a waste. Cady’s not into her like that anyway. As much as Regina would love to forget that Cady has an ugly little lapdog boyfriend, that is the reality of the situation. Just because Regina has a crush on the girl that killed her for 15 seconds doesn’t mean anything will come of it. 

     She can let Cady see the ugliest parts of herself, because she doesn’t have a shot with her anyway. Plus, Cady’s already seen most of Regina’s ugly. The physical ugly is just the final frontier. 

     “I need it under my back. But like… further under than I can get it,” Regina says, not looking at Cady.

     “Okay,” Cady says, tucking her hair behind her ears before placing one hand on the heat pack and hovering the other over Regina’s side. “Will you—don’t let me hurt you, okay? Tell me if I need to stop. Please.”

     “Sure,” Regina says, bracing herself for something horrible. She locks her hands around Cady’s biceps just to have an anchor, and Cady looks down at her with a worried smile. She’s so cute, even exhausted like Regina knows she is. 

     Cady curls her right hand around Regina’s hip, creeping up her back just a little. She uses her left hand to shove the heat pack in the little hollow she finds there, murmuring a quiet sorry when Regina’s breath hitches. 

     “Is that good?” Cady asks, looking up from Regina’s torso to her face. Regina’s worried she’ll find disgust in Cady’s gaze, but instead, she finds concern, and maybe a little pity, which is worse than disgust. She hates pity more than anything. She’s Regina Fucking George. She doesn’t want or deserve anyone’s pity.

     “I can move it if—” Cady asks, hand on Regina’s mostly-bare hip again. 

     “No, it’s fine,” Regina says, gently knocking Cady’s hand away. “It’s good. Thank you.”

     “Sure,” Cady says, nodding quickly as she awkwardly hovers over Regina. She eventually settles back into her seat, perched right on the edge of the chair. 

     Their conversation is stilted until Cady gets up to go. She’s almost to the door when Regina calls her name. 

     “Yeah?” Cady asks, turning to face her. 

     “Thank you. For helping me,” Regina says, doing her best to maintain eye contact even though she really wants to look away. 

     “Sure,” Cady says, shooting her a smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow? Same time?”

     “Tomorrow,” Regina confirms.

———

     Cady visits Regina every weekday, always right after Gretchen and Karen leave. She knows it would probably be easier for all three of them to come together, but selfishly, she wants to keep Cady all to herself. She wants Cady around without any other eyes there to see how she looks at Cady, or how she treats her, or how she thinks about Cady. Okay, maybe her friends aren’t mind readers—hell, Karen can’t even read her own mind, bless her—but Gretchen is perceptive enough to pick up on the fact that Regina is different with Cady, and that’s enough to scare Regina all on its own. 

     Regina’s not expecting her on Saturday (even though she was really hoping Cady would show), so she’s pleasantly sort-of surprised when Cady comes by around noon, backpack in tow. 

     She says hi and slips her hand into Regina’s and they talk for a few minutes about nothing before Cady sheepishly asks if she can help Regina with her homework. 

     “They’re giving me a lot of leeway. As long as I pass second semester finals and don’t bomb the standardized tests, they’re gonna pass me in all my classes.”

     “Yeah, I—June already kind of explained that.”

     “June?” 

     “Your mom?”

     “I do know my own mother’s name, thank you,” Regina says, sneering a little. “I just didn’t realize you guys were so close.”

     “We, um. I usually get here a little early, so we just talk. While I wait to come up to see you. She’s nice. She always feeds me something and asks about boys.”

     Regina’s nose scrunches a little in disgust. Men are sort of repulsive to her, but she’s trying to get over it. Or at least, she’s not actively bullying any men besides Aaron Samuels, and that’s only in her head. And that’s a big step for Regina George! The “getting over it” part will come later. Hopefully. 

     “Sounds like my mom,” Regina sighs, trying in vain to find a comfortable position. After a couple of minutes, she groans and gives up.

     Cady squeezes her hand, and it does bring Regina a little bit of comfort. 

     “So why do you want to play one-room schoolhouse, huh?” Regina asks, swiping a gentle thumb along the back of Cady’s hand. 

     “I just thought you might be getting bored,” Cady confesses, shooting her a half-smile. “Not that watching every single season of every single franchise of The Real Housewives isn’t interesting, but—” 

     “Would you rather be watching Animal Planet ?” Regina teases, and Cady’s stomach flutters almost uncomfortably. She never thought she’d miss Regina teasing her, but she definitely has. 

     “I’d rather be doing differential equations, actually,” Cady says, smug as you like. 

     “Ew,” Regina says, but she’s smiling. “God, I can’t believe I’m friends with such a nerd.”

     “You love it,” Cady says, somehow both pleased and displeased by Regina calling her a friend. It’s better than “mortal enemy,” but not quite as good as “girl I am in love with.” It’s a step in the right direction though, for sure. 

     “I do,” Regina admits, her face flushing. “So are you gonna teach me math or not?”

     Cady nods eagerly, unzipping her backpack and pulling out a fat textbook. 

     “I asked Mrs. Norbury for a textbook for your class because I didn’t know if you had one here, and I’ve studied all the material and completed all the worksheets for every day since you… got hurt,” Cady says, her voice going quiet for a few moments before she launches back into talking about math with far too much enthusiasm. 

     Regina lets her ramble about all the things she’s missed. She won’t remember anything Cady says, but she looks so alive speaking about it that Regina’s happy to let her witter on. 

     “—so where do you want to start?” Cady asks, both her hands folded over the textbook in her lap.

     “Uh… the beginning?” Regina says. 

     “Like, from the first day you missed? Or should we do a little recap of the stuff before, since it’s been so long?”

     “Let’s start with whatever the first actual assignment is, and if there’s anything I don’t understand, you can explain it to me.”

     “Great!” Cady says, looking genuinely pumped. Regina can’t help but laugh. Her laugh melts into a deep grin when Cady turns red but doesn’t look away. 

     “You’re so fucking cute,” Regina says, and she can’t even bother to regret it when Cady flushes even pinker. 

     “Thanks,” Cady says, tucking her hair behind her ears. “You, um. You’re still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met, Regina.”

     It’s a hell of a compliment under normal circumstances, but after the rollercoaster of Cady-related emotions that Regina’s suffered this year (the Cady-induced weight gain from the kalteen bars, the Cady-induced acne from the lard, and the Cady-induced heartbreak Regina suffered from learning that Cady liked Aaron Samuels when Regina was right fucking there)—oh, and the strictly negative emotions about herself associated with getting soft and ugly from getting bulldozed by a fucking bus—the compliment is enough to entirely wreck Regina. 

     “You don’t have to be nice to me just ‘cause I got hit by a fucking bus. I don’t want you to lie to me.”

     “I’m not lying,” Cady says, taking Regina’s right hand in both of hers. “You are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. The most beautiful person. ”

     “That’s not any more of a compliment, because men are ugly,” Regina says, sniffling and glaring as little tears track down her face. Cady laughs and snags a tissue from the side of the bed, then gently pats the tears dry on Regina’s cheeks. 

     “You’re right,” Cady says, but she doesn’t elaborate. 

     Regina taps the book Cady’s set on the bed with her fingernails, which are still impeccably manicured thanks to her mom and her nail girl, Becca. She doesn’t know how much June is paying Becca to stop by and do a new set every other week, but she’s grateful anyway. It makes her feel just the tiniest bit more herself .

     “So, what are you going to torture me with first?” Regina asks. 

     Cady grins big. 

———

     Cady spends about an hour trying to explain math to Regina before Regina decides to do drugs instead. 

     Considering her spine is basically a graham cracker crust of bone right now, Cady understands. She offers to go home, but Regina holds her hand and begs her to stay. 

     “I’m not gonna fall asleep,” Regina promises. “But I probably won’t be smart enough to do math. I’m not even smart enough for it sober.”

     “You’re doing great,” Cady assures her, because she is. Regina’s not a natural in the same way Cady is, but she’s a quick learner and actually a pretty good listener. 

     June comes up to help Regina take her medicine, and Cady delights in how excited June gets when Cady asks about her pilates class. 

     Once she leaves, Cady’s gaze shifts back to Regina, who’s grinning at her. 

     “Kissass,” She teases, but Cady can tell she’s kidding.

     “She was very stressed out about Jesy leaving. I’m glad to hear Alex has stepped into her place seamlessly. Changing instructors for anything can be very stressful,” Cady says, feeling weirdly defensive of June and her feelings. 

     Regina goes to say something else, but her neck twinges and her brain can’t process anything but the pain. 

     Cady lets Regina squeeze the hell out of her hand without a single complaint, which reminds Regina once again that Cady is far too good for her. 

     “You okay?” Cady asks when Regina stops squeezing. 

     “Mostly,” Regina says, skimming her thumb across the back of Cady’s hand. “Thanks.”

     “No problem,” Cady says, shooting her a soft smile. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

     Regina’s about to say no when she realizes that there is something she wants Cady to do, actually.

     “Will you come lay up here? I think having my neck turned the same direction all the time is making the spasms worse.”

     Cady freezes, and Regina fears the worst. After all they’ve survived together, Regina’s finally asked for too much, and this is gonna be it for them. Cady’s probably figured out that Regina has a crush on her, and she probably thinks that Regina just wants Cady to lay in her bed so she can cop a feel, or something. She probably—

     “Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you,” Cady says, her eyes so full of concern. 

     “You won’t,” Regina says, gently squeezing her hand. “Plus, the view of the TV is better from up here. I wouldn’t want you to miss a single second of the new SLC episode.”

     Cady rolls her eyes and groans, but she’s smiling. 

     “Hey, I suffered through an hour of math. You can suffer through an hour of reality TV.”

     “I suppose,” Cady says, squeezing Regina’s hand once more before she gets up from her chair. Her movements are slow as she walks around to the other side of the bed, waiting for Regina to motion her up before she crawls on. Regina’s bed is so large that Cady is further away from her now than she was in the chair, but Regina doesn’t know how to ask her to move closer. 

     Cady stays on her side of the bed for the entirety of the episode, too scared to move or breathe or even blink, afraid that she’ll accidentally jostle Regina. When Cady leaves, she gives Regina’s hand a squeeze before she slides off the bed, doing a surprisingly good job of not moving Regina at all. 

———

     Cady doesn’t come by Sunday, so Regina is extra eager to see her on Monday. Cady must be eager too, because she doesn’t wait for Kare and Gretch to leave before she comes up to see Gina. 

     Once Cady arrives, Gretchen can tell that Regina would prefer for them to go, so she makes an excuse and gets them out of there. After they give Regina her forehead kisses, of course. 

     Karen is confused, but when Gretchen holds her hand and kisses her cheek and tells her not to worry, it’s easy to do as she says. 

———

     Regina’s back prevents her from sleeping most of Thursday night. She’s wide awake when a text from Cady comes in around 5am. 

      Are you awake?

      unfortunately , Regina replies. 

      Can I call you?

     Regina doesn’t even bother texting back. She just picks up the phone and clicks Cady’s contact. 

     “Reggie?”

     “Hey, baby. Is everything okay?” Regina asks, fearing the worst. 

     “Yeah. Yeah,” Cady says, but Regina can hear the panic in her voice. “I just, uh. It’s good. To hear your voice.”

     “Cady, what’s wrong?” Regina asks, aware that she’s speaking too loudly for the time, but unable to bring herself to care. She needs to know Cady’s alright. 

     “I, uh—I’m okay, Reggie. Really. I shouldn’t have called—”

     “I called you,” Regina interrupts. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

     “I, um,” Cady starts, her voice going quiet. “I have—I see things sometimes. Like, nightmares. Except you—what I saw tonight really happened to you, except this time, I didn’t—I couldn’t get to you, no matter how hard I tried, and you didn’t—you never woke up.” 

     Cady’s voice breaks, and Regina thinks her heart may genuinely have a hole ripped through it from the sound. It’s actually criminal that she can’t hold Cady right now, can’t prove that she’s okay—or at the very least, that she’s alive. 

     “Reggie—”

     “I’m here, Cady. I’m here. I’m okay.”

     “I know. I know, but I—I—”

     “Come over,” Regina says, her tone commanding in a way it hasn’t been since she was destroyed. 

     “It’s—I don’t want to wake everyone up,” Cady says, but Regina can hear her wavering already. 

     “My mom’s already up for pilates. My dad will be up for work in a half hour. They won’t mind, I promise. Come over.”

     “I don’t want to bother you. I should be letting you sleep. You need your rest, and—”

     “I can sleep later. All I fucking do is sleep, Cady. Will coming over make you feel better?”

     “Seeing you will make me feel okay again, I think,” Cady says after a long pause. 

     “Then come over.”

     “Are you sure?”

     Regina sighs. “I want you to come over, okay? It’s been a rough night.”

     “Are you okay?” Cady asks, and Regina can hear the worry in her voice.

     “I’m okay. I promise. I’m just in pain. I’d love for you to come distract me for a while, okay? That would really help me out,” Regina says, because she knows that if she tells Cady she’s doing Regina a favor, Cady will come here at the drop of a hat. 

     “Okay. Okay. I’m—I’ll be there as soon as I can, okay?”

     “That’s perfect, baby. I’ll make sure my mom leaves the door unlocked.”

———

     It’s not even 5:30 before Cady is slipping through her bedroom door and gently climbing onto her bed. She winds her hand through Regina’s as soon as she’s within reach, laying closer than she’s ever allowed herself to in the daytime.

     “Hey, pretty girl,” Regina says, because her pain-addled, drug-hungover, half-asleep brain can’t come up with anything better. 

     “Hey,” Cady says, and even though Regina can’t properly see her face, she can tell Cady’s crying. 

     “I’m here, Cady. I’m alive. It’s gonna take a lot more than a bus to bring down Regina Fucking George.”

     Cady manages a strangled laugh. 

     “Sorry to bother you in the middle of the night, but I really needed to… I had to see you with my eyes.”

     “No apologies,” Regina says, squeezing Cady’s hand twice. Cady squeezes back three times, and it wakes the butterflies in Regina’s stomach. “Do you need to turn a light on? To see me?”

     “No, I—feeling you is even better, I think. It makes it—I really know you’re real when I can…”

     “When you can what, baby?” Regina asks, gently squeezing Cady’s hand twice again. 

     Cady squeezes back three times, and Regina wonders if this is what being down terribly, horrendously bad feels like. 

     “When I can feel your pulse. When I can check and make sure your heart is still beating.”

     Regina doesn’t call her weird or stupid or ridiculous like she fears. Instead, Regina pulls Cady’s hand up to her mouth to press a kiss to it. Then she grabs Cady’s wrist with her left hand before untangling their fingers and dropping her right. She lifts Cady’s hand to her chest, laying it just over her heart. Cady’s thumb presses against her neck, surely feeling the gentle motion of her throat as it expands and contracts with her steady breaths. Her hand presses as firmly into Regina’s chest as she dares, the gentle thump of Regina’s heart against her palm the only thing in months to actually set her at ease.

     “Thank you,” Cady whispers, the relief so overwhelming that she fears she might cry again. 

     “No biggie,” Regina assures her, laying her hand over Cady’s. Having Cady so close has an effect on her, too. The pain is still nagging at her, but having something physical to ground herself in besides just the pain is nice. She yawns, patting Cady’s hand again.

     “I might fall asleep. Don’t leave without saying goodbye, okay?”

     “I won’t. I promise,” Cady says, her voice so strong and so sure that Regina has no choice but to believe her. 

———

     It’s entirely too bright out when Regina wakes again, Cady’s hand still pressed firmly against her chest. A sound startles Regina, and she looks up to see June smiling far too widely at them from the open door. 

     “What?” Regina asks, crabby from being awoken from her best slumber in months. 

      “I hope I'm not interrupting anything—”

     “You're not,” Regina says, so quick to shut her down. 

     “Regina, honey… it's okay if I am. Your dad and I will support you no matter what. We bought a pride flag when you were twelve, and we've just been waiting—”

     “God, mom, stop talking! I'm not gay.” Regina snaps, but it feels extra wrong this time. She’s already lost control of basically her entire life. What's the point in denying this now? “Actually, you know what? I am gay, mom. But just because I'm gay doesn't mean that my girlfriend is gay. My friend! My friend who is a girl ! Not my—fuck.”

     Regina stops speaking for just a second so that hopefully, she can stem the word vomit a bit. It’s too early, and she’s too gay, and Cady’s hand feels way too perfect gently patting her thumping heart. Cady, who now knows her deepest, darkest secret, but who isn’t running away. Cady, and her gentle fingers, and their gentle taps. 

     “I'm gay, but Cady isn't, okay?” Regina finally gets out, wishing she had a better range of motion so she could run to the balcony and perform a perfect swan dive into the concrete three stories below and put herself out of her misery. 

     “Reggie,” Cady says, latching her hand around Regina's wrist. 

     “It's fine, Cady, you don't have to say anything. Mom, Cady's dating Aaron, and—”

     “I broke up with Aaron.”

     “What?” Regina asks, whipping her head around to Cady and immediately cringing. 

     Cady's up and fussing over her in seconds, laying her back down on the pillows and arranging them so Regina can be as comfortable as possible. 

     June watches them from the doorway, smiling big, until Regina yells at her to get out. 

     June's still smiling as she gently closes the door, running down the stairs to tell Geoff the good news. 

     Inside, Regina is too tired and too emotional to be panicked. If Cady is weirded out by her being gay, then that's just how it's gonna be. 

     “You’re gay?” Cady asks, her plastic disguise perfectly in place, so Regina has no idea what she’s thinking about.

     “Yeah,” Regina says, staring up at her ceiling. “Turns out I was the real Sissy Liz all along.”

     If Cady knows what Regina is talking about, she doesn’t let on. Regina’s waiting for Cady to say something—anything, actually—but she doesn’t. 

     Regina’s heart sinks. 

     “Listen, I was hoping it wouldn’t affect anything, but if my sexuality weirds you out, then you know where the door is. I would never—”

     “I dumped Aaron because I realized that I’m in love with you.”

     Regina’s head snaps over to Cady so fast and so painfully that she actually cries out. Cady is back in her space right away, of course, hands hovering over her reconstructed neck and spine. 

     “Are you okay?” Cady asks, eyes filled with concern. 

     “You’re in love with me?” Regina asks, her voice quiet, reverent. 

     Cady’s face is beet red, but she doesn’t shy away from Regina’s gaze. 

     “Yeah. I mean—I think I am. I’ve never been in love before, but—Reggie, when I saw you die… I’ve never been that afraid. I’ve never felt that bad . I knew—like, 1,000% sure—that my life was over if you didn’t wake up. I couldn’t—I kinda thought it was guilt at first, you know? But then I realized all the things I was terrified of missing out on with you weren’t—um. They weren’t friend things.”

     “Were you having horny thoughts while watching my spine get pulverized? Because that—there might be something wrong with you. Like, psychologically,” Regina says, her voice thick and her cheeks wet. 

     “Shut up,” Cady says, laughing when she catches Regina’s watery grin. “I was having horny thoughts long before the bus.”

     Now it’s Regina’s turn to laugh. 

     “You’re horrible.”

     “Yeah, well, I learned from the best,” Cady says, unable to keep from smiling at the girl she loves. Her face falls for a moment, and Regina is immediately worried. 

     “What’s wrong?”

     “Just—well. I’ve kind of put you in a weird situation here. It’s totally fine if you don’t like me back. That won’t—nothing has to change. I’m happy to go on as friends.”

     “I don’t want to be friends,” Regina says. 

     Cady nods, the disappointment plain on her face. 

     “I understand,” Cady says, biting hard on her bottom lip. “I, um. I’ll see if Kevin can come tutor you—”

     “I want to be your girlfriend,” Regina says, surprised at how naturally the phrase comes out of her mouth. Maybe this “being gay” thing is easier than she thought. 

     “You… what?” Cady asks, her brain short-circuiting. She shuts one eye and her mouth goes wonky and Regina laughs, because she looks so cute and so, so stupid. 

     She’s perfect. 

     “I want to be your girlfriend, Loser. I didn’t pluck you from the undereducated masses as soon as you got off the boat because I wanted to give you shoes and talk about boys.”

     “You didn’t?”

     “Uh uh,” Regina says, smiling at Cady with her tongue pinned between her teeth. “I called you over to our table because you were so pretty it made me feel insane. I wanted you. I still want you. I just… never thought you’d want me too. I’m kind of the worst, Cady.”

     “You’re not the worst,” Cady says, sitting next to Regina on the bed and cradling her hand. She squeezes it, and Regina squeezes back twice, so Cady squeezes three times. 

     Regina smiles at her, big and sunny and a little too scrunchy, and Cady is positive she’s never seen a more beautiful sight. She wants to kiss Regina—like, really kiss her, not this forehead stuff that she and Gretch and Kare all do—but kissing your girlfriend while her head is still almost entirely immobile seems like a bad idea. 

      Girlfriend. Girlfriend!

     Regina squeezes Cady’s hand again, very gently, and Cady smiles at her. 

     “You’re my girlfriend?” Cady asks, voice full of awe in a way she probably should be ashamed of but isn’t. 

     “If you want,” Regina says, her hands twitching a little in her nervousness. “I can’t—um. I mean, I’m still in this stupid thing for like two weeks, and after that, I’ll be in another brace for at least a month, so like—I don’t know how girlfriendy I’ll be able to be, but… yeah. I would like to be.”

     “Really?” Cady asks, grinning so wide she feels like her face might split open. 

     “Really,” Regina says, a little laugh bubbling up. “Is that so hard to believe?”

     “Yes,” Cady says, and now it’s her turn to laugh. “You’re Regina Fucking George. I’m just a homeschooled jungle freak who’s a less hot version of you, remember?”

     “I didn’t mean that and I shouldn’t have said it. That was fucked up, Cady. I’m sorry,” Regina says, genuine remorse etched in the lines on her face. 

     “It’s okay,” Cady says, lifting the gentlest hand to trace along Regina’s cheek, careful to avoid bumping the poles of her brace. “I was a little hurt over it for like three seconds. Then, you got hit by a bus two feet in front of me, and suddenly, I wasn’t mad at you about anything anymore.”

     Cady’s throat gets tight, so she clears it. It doesn’t really help. 

     Regina’s hand squeezing hers three times does wonders, though. 

     “You’re allowed to be mad at me still. I was really horrible to you.”

     “You weren’t, though. Not completely. You said some messed up stuff, and the whole Aaron thing was pretty bad, but—you were sweet sometimes. You painted my nails and braided my hair and told me that I was pretty. You taught me how to act cool even when you know everyone’s staring at you. You helped me learn how to not dress like a midwestern lesbian.”

     Regina laughs, not even caring about the twinge that goes through her neck as a result. 

     “I’d argue that I taught you how to dress like a midwestern lesbian, actually. ‘Cause that’s exactly what I am, and I was teaching you to dress like me.”

     “I think I’m bi,” Cady says, looking down at her and Regina’s entwined hands, gently cradling Regina’s in both of hers. “I did—I liked Aaron at first, but…”

     “Then he opened his mouth?” Regina says sympathetically. 

     Cady laughs. 

     “It was partially that, but… the more I saw you and Aaron together, the more I realized that it wasn’t you I was jealous of.”

     “Guess my plan worked, then,” Regina says, her cheeks heating as her nose wrinkles in embarrassment. 

     “What?” Cady asks, tilting her head to the side. 

     “I’m not proud of it,” Regina starts. Cady nods her on. “But when Gretchen told me you liked Aaron—I kinda went fucking insane. Like, take a knife to Aaron’s tires insane and spread a rumor that he has chlamydia insane. The thought of Aaron getting his clumsy, grubby little hands on you…”

     “You’re the possessive type? I’m shocked.” 

     “Shut up,” Regina says, feeling like giggling when Cady squeezes her hand. There’s a lot up in the air right now, but one thing Regina knows is that she’ll never tire of Cady’s wordless assurances. “I knew if Aaron found out you liked him, he’d like you too. He’s never said no to a pretty girl, and you are a pretty girl, but you’re so much more than that, Cady. Like—did he have any fucking idea how smart you are?”

     Cady’s face goes red, not just at Regina’s compliment, but at what she’s about to admit. 

     “I, um. I’m failing calc for him, actually. He wasn’t paying any attention to me, so I started filling in the wrong bubbles on our quizzes and failing until he offered to tutor me.”

     “You dumbed yourself down? For a man? Cady,” Regina says, sighing, and it’s not fair for her to be judgemental about this. She did so much worse stuff! “I can’t believe I made you do that.”

     “Reggie, you didn’t make me do anything.”

     “You sure?” Regina asks, a smile tugging at the edge of her lips. She squeezes Cady’s hand. Cady squeezes back twice. Regina squeeze squeeze squeeze s. 

     “You are quite powerful,” Cady says, not even caring how goofy her grin must be right now.

     “I was,” Regina says, unable to keep the twinge of nervousness from invading her gut. She didn’t spend much time off the throne at school, but she knows she won’t inhabit it when she returns. It’s a scary thought.

     “You are. You could convince me to do anything,” Cady says, and she knows it’s true.

     “Yeah, but you’re my girlfriend. I don’t think you count,” Regina says, unable to keep from smiling big. “You’re my girlfriend .”

     “Yeah,” Cady says, a little giggle bubbling out. “Yeah, I am.”

     “I have a girlfriend,” Regina says, expecting a wave of nerves that doesn’t come. It will eventually, but for now, she just feels content and honest and loved. 

     “Yeah.”

     “And she’s like, really pretty,” Regina says, shooting Cady that almost predatory Regina George grin, and Cady can’t help but swoon. 

     “Yeah, yeah,” Cady says, sweeping her thumb over the back of Regina's hand. 

     “Cady?” 

     “Hmm?”

     “Just know that I would kiss the hell out of you right now if I could. Okay?”

     “You would?” Cady asks, still a little starry-eyed about everything that’s happened today. 

     “Mmh. C’mere,” Regina says, gently yanking Cady’s arm until she leans over. 

     “I don’t want to hurt you,” Cady says, gently pushing Regina’s hair back off her forehead. 

     “You won’t. Now shut up and kiss me.”

———

five months later

     “Your last first day,” June says, already patting her wet cheek with a tissue.

     “I’m going to go to college,” Regina says, straightening her pink mini skirt as she prepares to pose on the front steps. June tried to hand her a chalkboard sign that says I’m a Senior! but Regina refused it. Nicely, though. “There will be other first days.”

     “Yeah, but none where I’ll be there to kiss your forehead and pack your lunch,” June says, a little sniffle escaping her always-slightly-open mouth. She just got her lip filler topped off, and it means that there’s always a little gap between her lips. It’s kind of endearing, actually, but there’s no way Regina would ever tell her that. “Or take pictures!”

     “Don’t worry,” Cady says, wrapping an arm around June’s waist and squeezing. “I’ll make sure her lunch has been sufficiently packed and that her forehead has been sufficiently kissed. And I’ll take lots of pictures.”

     “Oh, Cady,” June says, abandoning their photoshoot altogether just to give Cady a proper hug. Cady grins at Regina smugly over June’s shoulder. Regina rolls her eyes and pretends she’s not hopelessly in love. 

     “You make me sick,” Regina says quietly, and Cady laughs loud. 

     “Oh, Regina,” June says, waving a disapproving hand at her own daughter. She pulls away from Cady and gives her a little push toward the steps. “Go on up! I need pictures of you, too.”

     Cady wraps her arms around Regina as soon as she’s close enough, her grin all kinds of goofy. 

     Regina sighs and rolls her eyes, but she can’t resist pecking a quick kiss to Cady’s lips. Regina was never shy with PDA before Cady, even in front of her own mother, but now… kissing Cady in front of anyone makes her a little nervous, because she just wants to keep Cady all to herself. 

     Cady knows this, which is why she doesn’t try to kiss Regina again. She does keep their foreheads pressed together for a few seconds though, squeezing Regina’s hand twice to ask if she’s okay. 

     Regina squeezes back three times, and Cady smiles. She straightens up, then turns to June. 

     “Alright, Mrs. G. How do you want us?”