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Yin Yu always knew that his older brother stood at greatness that he could never hope to reach. It was not something to bemoan or regret, it was simply a fact of life: Yin Jin was the heir to the dukedom, he was more handsome, smarter, kinder, and better in every way that mattered, compared to Yin Yu.
When he was younger, Yin Yu had been jealous – why did everyone only pay attention to Yin Jin? How come nobody wanted to play with Yin Yu anymore once his older brother came around? Why couldn’t Yin Yu be just as good? Why was it that Yin Yu seemed destined to forever be a supporting character in his older brother’s life?
But in the end, the person who would always come and sit with Yin Yu when no one else would was Yin Jin. The person who always noticed him first, who actually wanted to listen to his opinions and saw value in them, was Yin Jin. Yin Jin was a better person than Yin Yu, and he deserved every good thing he got and more. Yin Yu loved his older brother, and he would give him the food off his plate if that was what Yin Jin needed.
It was just…why did Yin Jin have to have this, too?
Yin Yu tried not to clench his teeth too tightly as he watched his older brother speaking to the Knight Quan Yizhen. Despite being surrounded by nobility, they looked like the only two people in the room. Couples on the dance floor spun themselves closer to their corner just to catch a whisper of what they were talking about; every eye was locked on them and every breath they took. It wasn’t even their party, yet somehow they were still the center of attention.
Yin Yu couldn’t take his eyes off of them either. Quan Yizhen and Yin Jin stood, shoulder to shoulder, yet just slightly angled towards each other, and Yin Jin was smiling in a way that made everyone want to offer him roses and family fortunes. Quan Yizhen didn’t smile, but then again he hardly ever did in public; instead he nodded seriously, fluffy ponytail bobbing behind him as he did so.
The topic was on marriage proposals, Yin Yu had heard. It was terrible to admit what hearing that made him feel.
But it only made sense. Yin Jin was the heir to the Yin Dukedom, and after what their father did, they needed a strong alliance to regain some of the credibility they had lost. Quan Yizhen was a rising star, but he lacked the patience for (and willingness to learn) political navigation. Joining together with a powerful family like the Yin would give him credibility and diplomatic assistance.
Yin Jin deserved happiness, Yin Yu reminded himself. Yin Yu wanted his Quan Yizhen to be happy. Both of those things were true, so why couldn’t Yin Yu seem to loosen the grip he had on his champagne flute?
“They do match well,” a guest murmured to their companion. They probably hadn’t even noticed that Yin Yu was there, listening to them gossip about his older brother. He didn’t know if he wanted to feel indignant or relieved that he could simply blend into the gaudy gold curtains and never have anyone notice whatever dreadful expression was on his face.
“They’re the most handsome men in the room, of course they match well,” their companion whispered, giggling.
And they really did look good together. Sir Quan Yizhen was like the sun, so full of life and glory that Yin Yu could feel his presence, or lack thereof, even when he wasn’t there. And Yin Jin was the star that shone beside him, never dulled in comparison but emitting his own glow.
Yin Yu swallowed. Perhaps once they married, he would get to join them for breakfast every once in a while, and just seeing them both happy might be enough for Yin Yu’s selfish heart.
Yin Jin was kind, and probably wouldn’t request for Yin Yu to move out even after the marriage. But Yin Yu would return to his wing at night, alone, and if he had stories to tell about his day he wouldn’t have anyone to tell them to, and if he had worries that needed soothing he would have to do it by himself, and when he lay in bed at night and reached out a hand, there wouldn’t be anyone reaching back for him.
If Quan Yizhen needed a gentle hand to brush his hair, or a listening ear to hear out his difficulties, he would have Yin Jin. Maybe one day Yin Yu would just be a fond memory, while Yin Jin was his reality.
If Yin Yu missed Quan Yizhen, he would only be allowed to miss him from afar.
“Just look at how Knight Quan is looking at him!” A guest whispered gleefully. “He can’t even look away. He must be dying to have this marriage!”
Yin Yu swallowed. The weight of the glass in his hand felt like the only thing tethering him to the room, and if he let go he would simply drift, as unnoticeable and unmissed as vapour.
Yin Yu’s older brother smiled. In a hopelessly graceful motion, he flicked his long sleeve out of the way and extended a hand to Quan Yizhen. Knight Quan Yizhen took it, firmly, and they shook hands, sealing their commitment in front of every person in attendance.
Yin Yu set his glass down on some nearby table, and slipped out of the ballroom.
The hallways were blessedly empty. Every guest and server was clustered within the ballroom to try and catch a glimpse of the Yin heir and the most promising knight in the country. Nobody except the portraits on the walls could see Yin Yu shamefully fleeing his brother’s happiest moment.
He felt like a petulant child. Was he protesting that a toy was his first, and complaining about ‘why did his brother get to have it’?
But in a way, wasn’t it true? Quan Yizhen had been Yin Yu’s first.
Yin Yu had been the one to find Quan Yizhen, curled up in a ball on the steps of their servants’ entrance. Only six years old then, five years Yin Yu’s junior, Quan Yizhen had been an orphan wandering the streets until the fateful day he chose to seek shelter on the steps of the Yin Manor.
It wasn’t to say that Quan Yizhen owed Yin Yu anything, or even that he wouldn’t have been able to succeed without Yin Yu. Both of those were untrue. But was it not Yin Yu who had first tried to wake him up and gotten scratched for his troubles? Was it not Yin Yu who had given Quan Yizhen his first bath, Yin Yu who showed him how to manage his curly hair, how to hold a sword, and read? It was Yin Yu who had arranged for the carriage to take Quan Yizhen to the knights’ academy, and sat there waiting outside for hours just to hear his results. It was Yin Yu, and no one else, whom Quan Yizhen looked up at with bright, shining eyes, and a sweet, open smile.
It was a terrible thought, but Yin Yu had always felt, like a cat curling itself protectively around a kitten, that Quan Yizhen was his first. He didn’t want Quan Yizhen to look at anyone else with those eyes.
But that wasn’t a thought he was allowed to have.
*
Yin Yu couldn’t leave the party unless he wanted to leave Yin Jin stranded there alone, so he resisted the urge to just take one of their carriage horses and run. He would only stay for a moment, Yin Yu told himself. Then he would suck it up and go back in, and congratulate his brother and Knight Quan like he was supposed to do.
Yue Yue, his favourite horse, quietly tolerated him running his fingers through her mane, half-heartedly chewing on some grains.
The stablehands had all left to tend to other duties, and the stables were empty save for Yin Yu and the horses. It was a cool night, and the moon was bright enough that it drowned out the light of the torches on the walls.
Yin Yu stripped off his jacket and stuffed the tie into his suit pocket. Without the beaded embroidery of his jacket, it felt easier to breathe; like he was just a person who wanted to play with the horses, and not a forgotten second son.
Yin Yu rubbed behind Yue Yue’s ear, at the spot where she liked, and she huffed contentedly. Yin Yu managed a smile.
“I wish…” he started. I wish I were less like me, he wanted to say, but that seemed pathetic to say out loud. He patted Yue Yue some more, and tried to pretend like he hadn’t even had that thought.
It truly said something about Yin Yu’s state of mind that he didn’t even notice Quan Yizhen’s presence until he was already too close to run away from. One moment Yin Yu was alone with the horses, and the next, Quan Yizhen was staring at him in the darkness like a particularly curly owl.
Yin Yu startled. “Yizhen, you’re not supposed to do that!” He cried.
Quan Yizhen cocked his head. “But if I said something, then Yin-ge would move,” he said. “Yin-ge looked pretty like that, so I wanted to look at him.”
Yin Yu pressed his fingers to his forehead to stave off the Yizhen-related headache. It was just like Quan Yizhen, to do and say exactly as he wanted, uncaring of social norms. It had always been equal parts funny and annoying, but now it carried a flavour of bitterness. Who was Quan Yizhen to call him pretty when he was marrying his brother?
“Why are you here, Yizhen?” He said. His voice came out more tired than he expected.
Quan Yizhen frowned a little, in the way that he did when he knew he did something wrong but didn’t know what.
“Everyone was looking for you,” he said, which was a lie. Yin Yu knew for a fact that half the people at that party didn’t even know that Duke Yin had two sons.
Yin Yu turned to face Yue Yue. Despite all her faults, she at least hadn’t gotten engaged to Yin Yu’s brother.
“I just wanted to take a breather,” Yin Yu said. “You can go back in, I’ll be back in a bit.”
“I don’t want to,” Quan Yizhen said, and plopped down on a hay bale in his very expensive, custom-made suit. “I would rather be here with you.”
Yin Yu sucked in a breath. Sometimes he really couldn’t tell if Quan Yizhen was trying to hurt him, or if it just came naturally.
“If you won’t, then I’m going,” he said, forcing his voice not to waver. Yin Yu whirled around, but Quan Yizhen sprung up from where he had planted himself, and caught Yin Yu’s wrist.
“Yin-ge,” he said, whining. He took a few steps forward, forcing Yin Yu back against Yue Yue’s side. “Why are you going? I wanted to talk to you.”
His eyes were huge and bright, and Yin Yu looked away so he wouldn’t have to see it. He was too selfish to see joy on Quan Yizhen’s face, when he knew he wasn’t the one to put it there.
“I’m really not in the mood.”
“Why not? You saw me and Yin Jin, right? I wanted to tell you first – ”
“Don’t tell me,” Yin Yu said, trying not to beg. “I don’t want to know, I don’t want to hear it.”
Quan Yizhen was quiet. “Are you upset?”
He sounded upset. Yin Yu felt like the worst, most terrible person in the world, to ruin his engagement with his own jealousies, but he didn’t know how to not feel this way.
“No,” Yin Yu lied. He tried to force a smile, but it must not have been very convincing because Quan Yizhen’s frown didn’t ease in the slightest.
At that moment, Quan Yizhen even seemed to be a little lost.
“You’re not happy?” Quan Yizhen asked.
“I’m very happy for you,” Yin Yu said, the words tasting like charcoal in his mouth. “I couldn’t be happier.”
Quan Yizhen observed him. “You’re lying,” he said. “Why aren’t you happy? I thought…don’t you want this too?”
This kid could be perceptive, but only in the times when Yin Yu really didn’t want him to be. I want this? Yin Yu thought, semi-hysterically. He hadn’t even known that they had feelings for each other, much less that they wanted to be married! He’d never even seen them interact, beyond the few times that they had happened to be in the same room at the same time and exchanged nods or smiles (on Yin Jin’s part). Why would Yin Yu want them to be married? Because their alliance would benefit Yin Yu, too? Did he seem like that much of a self-centered person?
“Of course I’m happy for you and Yin Jin,” Yin Yu said. His fists were so tightly clenched that his nails were digging into his palm.
“Your brother?” Quan Yizhen asked. He did not sound as pleased as someone would normally be, talking about their newly minted fiancé. “What does he have to do with this?”
Yin Yu stared at him. “Isn’t he…aren’t you going to marry him?”
Quan Yizhen recoiled.
“I don’t want him!” He said. “I want you. You’re my Yin-ge. I found you first.”
Yin Yu stared back at him, mouth hanging open.
“We already sleep together,” Quan Yizhen said.
“Don’t say it like that – !”
“– and you do my hair for me.” He continued. “That’s what married couples do. I want you to do my hair for a lifetime. I can’t do your hair but Yin Jin said I make you happy. That means we should get married, right? So you can always be happy.”
Yin Yu found himself completely speechless. And yet there was nowhere for him to go, pinned between Yue Yue and Quan Yizhen, such that it seemed the whole entire world was boxed up and hidden behind a blurry, fingerprint-marked sheet of glass. Every time Yue Yue breathed, Yin Yu swayed towards and then away from Quan Yizhen, as smoothly as the moon orbited around the sun.
“Is that too much, Yin-ge?” Quan Yizhen’s brows furrowed, and his bottom lip jutted out in an unconscious pout, the way it did often around Yin Yu.
Yin Yu swallowed, and felt Quan Yizhen’s eyes follow the bob of his Adam’s apple. “No,” he croaked out. “It isn’t.”
“Okay,” Quan Yizhen said, and then he smiled. Like this, Quan Yizhen looked so much more like an obedient little cub rather than the intimidating fighter that everyone else knew him as. And Quan Yizhen only ever smiled like this around Yin Yu.
Yin Yu felt faint. How had he never seen it before?
Quan Yizhen always trailed behind Yin Yu whenever they were together. His favourite thing to do, since he was young, was to sit in Yin Yu’s bedroom, his back against Yin Yu’s legs, quietly dozing as Yin Yu brushed his hair. Whenever Quan Yizhen was around, Yin Yu was never lonely. And while Yin Yu always looked for Quan Yizhen first in every room, wasn’t it obvious that Quan Yizhen did the same for him?
In a burst of courage, Yin Yu took the corner of Quan Yizhen’s sleeve. The look on his face was as if Yin Yu had kissed him.
“I was the one who found you,” Yin Yu said. “So you’re mine, too, and no one is allowed to have you except for me. I’m going to be the only one that you ever marry.”
Quan Yizhen’s eyes went round, and he nodded furiously.
“Yours, Yin-ge!” He said firmly.
“Good,” Yin Yu said. He felt silly, but it didn’t seem to matter when Quan Yizhen was right there being silly with him.
A lifetime with his Quan Yizhen. That sounded pretty good to him.