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“Why are you doing this to the both of you? Don’t you know he’s back to his old habits again?”
“Are you sure he ever stopped?”
“You know that he loves you, he just isn’t good at showing it.”
“I know, like a friend right?”
“You know what I mean! Why are you being so difficult?”
“Self-preservation, I guess.”
He gathered his coat closer to his body when the rain started. He smiled wryly at the melodrama of the moment and debated doing this again when the day was sunny and clear and perfect.
He knew he wouldn’t do it if he put it off any longer, so he soldiered on to his favorite bench in the park he used to visit daily.
“We’re a person short; do you wanna play on our team?”
He closed his eyes and ignored the stares he was getting from the students leaving to find shelter from the rain.
“Ah, I’m not very good…”
“It’s ok, they have HyukJae on their team and he’s not very good either.”
“…ok then.”
He opened the diary that was tucked in his coat and tore out the first entry. It took several minutes for the pages to be consumed by the flames of his lighter.
The rain washed the ashes from his hands.
“You’re getting thinner; you should take care of yourself.”
“I guess I’ve never been very good at that.”
“No, you were always busy taking care of everyone else.”
“I’m the oldest; it’s my responsibility to watch over the rest of you brats.”
“…you know, he hasn’t been taking care of himself since you left.”
“It’s been a couple of weeks, he’ll live.”
“What happened to watching over us?”
“You can’t take care of someone when you can’t take care of yourself.”
He welcomed the aroma of coffee as he entered the café. The barista started working on his coffee before he could order and waved him over to his favorite table.
He smiled his thanks and settled onto the stool looking out the window.
“We’ve missed you the last couple weeks! Been busy at work?” the barista set his cup on the table.
“Something like that,” he took a sip to avoid answering any further questions.
“Glad you’re back! Maybe the ladies will start visiting again.”
A blush blossomed on his cheeks, “What?”
“Yep, that’s the expression we’re looking for. That table over there is already taking pictures!” a wink and she went greet the new customers.
He ducked a bit before taking out his novel. Twenty minutes later, a slice of cake was set on his table. Blinking in confusion, he looked at the barista again. “Bribe for apparently advertising me as store display?”
“Something like that, but also! It’s a new recipe. What do you think?”
“Too sweet, but otherwise very good.”
“Ah, your b-your friend said it was too bitter when he tried it,” she bit her lip for her slip.
The fork stilled on the way to his lips before being set down lightly. “He always had a sweet tooth.”
“Sorry, I—”
“It’s all right, it’s not a secret anymore.”
She would have cheered at the good news if it wasn’t for the sadness gathering in his eyes. She left him alone after that.
He pulled out a tattered mobile strap and placed it on the plate under crumpled napkins before leaving.
“You look like hell.”
“Thanks, I just got off a double shift. I’m more surprised I still have all my fingers and hair.”
“I thought your restaurant was elegant.”
“That’s why I don’t let anyone into the kitchen besides staff.”
“You’re working yourself haggard! That’s not healthy.”
“Yes, well I can’t control illness and family emergencies.”
“You should take a vacation, especially with everything that happened…”
“Maybe, when my chefs are back.”
“…the two of you are the stupidest people I know.”
“Oh? You mean we’ve surpassed Yoochun and Junsu now?”
“At least they’re happy. The pair of you are miserable. Why do you keep this up?”
“Being your hyung has taught me to be a masochist.”
“I swear, I say the same thing to both of you whenever I see you guys.”
“Oh dongsaeng…”
This was the last place for him to visit after he set out to revisit all the places they used to frequent. It had taken a few months, but it was about time to set foot in the place that held the most memories for him.
He was lucky the landlady still liked him and let him onto the rooftop of the apartment building. He looked up at the night sky and let himself be immersed in the serenity the stars offered. He dug in his bag and pulled out a box.
No more tears, this was the end of it. He took a handful of dried petals and let them flutter away with the wind.
“Ah! Aren’t these the flowers I gave you last week?”
“Huh? Oh, I forgot to water them!”
“That’s surprising, you’re usually so good at taking care of things.”
“I told you I wasn’t used to getting flowers. I forgot about them.”
“It’s a shame, you look beautiful with them.”
“Yah! Stop calling me beautiful, I want to be handsome.”
“Handsome, beautiful, either way, the most gorgeous man alive.”
“Flatterer.”
Another handful of petals showered to the street below.
“Can I open my eyes now?”
“One more second, ok, now!”
“…ok, what am I supposed to be seeing?”
“Aigoo, I even prepared a blanket and candles.”
“Oh…OH! Picnic on the rooftop?!”
He upended the box over the railing. “Goodbye my love.”
“Running away isn’t going to solve anything.”
“You’re the one that said I needed a vacation.”
“A vacation is a month at most; you’re going for half a year.”
“Sacrifices need to be made in the pursuit of artistry.”
“What artistry?”
“You’ll be happy, Changmin-ah, I’m going to learn about pastries.”
“I don’t care what your excuse is, I’m calling—”
“Don’t Junsu! Respect hyung’s wishes.”
“But—”
“Thank you, Yoochun-ah.”
“Promise you’ll let me have the first batch of madeleines, or at least a few before Changmin eats all of them.”
“Ok, deal.”
“Hyung, I get the first éclairs!”
“Of course. Junsu-yah, anything you want?”
“Just tell me why. Why can’t you stay? Why did you guys break up? You guys love each other, why—”
“Because sometimes love isn’t enough. Love doesn’t conquer all.
“I’d rather leave thinking that he wasn’t in love me than stay and know he is but it isn’t enough to stop him from hurting me.
“Because in the end I need to love me more than I love him.”
“Hyung…”
“Nope, none of you are allowed to cry today. Today, Kim Jaejoong is following his dream and learning how to make world class pastries from Parisians for the next few months.
“Smile for me.”
“We’ll miss you hyung…”
“I’ll miss you guys too. Aigoo, now you’re making me cry.”
“Promise you’ll call often!”
“Promise. I have to board now. I’ll call you when I land.”
“Bye! Hyung, you promised!”
“He didn’t even look back…”
“You know he still loves Yunho-hyung.”
“Probably didn’t want to look back and not see him. Hey, Junsu are you all right?”
“Have you checked the news?! I’m gonna kill him!”
“Junsu! What are you doing?!”
“You said you wouldn’t call Yunho-hyung!”
“Jaejoong-hyung already boarded, I kept my promise! Yah! Jung Yunho! You deserve to be miserable! Die bastard!”
“Omo! Junsu, I can’t believe you just did that!”
“Why don’t you ever call me hyung? And he deserved it. What the hell is this engagement?!”
“Engagement?! Omo! They just announced it!”
“Jaejoong-hyung…”
“Hyung…”